Double Rant

Hi guys,

This is TSC (where life is too serious to be taken seriously), death on the other hand can be quite a serious issue. I really wanted to write something special for a friend I lost over the week but I couldn’t bring myself to. Maybe a rant about death will be my AARRGGHH post eventually. However my guys Tokunbo (@0toxic) and Wole (@AlchemistXIII) dld a great job with their tributes. Read them here and here.

Rest In Peace dear Modurodoluwa Ige. I really will miss you.

*********

Today on AARRGGHH, we have a double package for you guys to savor. Both touch on very important aspects of our existence and I just felt I’d share both today. Do enjoy

*********

i

*********

Babies!!!

Weird right? Why the fuck would anybody get that pissed off by babies enough to rant about it? Well my story started many yrs ago after my lil demon (sorry I meant) sister was born. Beautiful baby I must say, fair soft skin, big very adorable clear eyes and those lips! Oh! My God even then we all knew she would grow up gorgeous but when we she opens her lips to “communicate” Arrrgggghhhhh! I always wanted to kill her!

And I seriously mean that.

She’ll usually sleep early and just when you are about to really really start sleeping the demon starts screaming! She starts and she won’t stop! You carry her and the claws come out (literally) she’ll  scratch any exposed skin till she take her due pound and then she’ll scratch some more. We tired de-clawing her but that too was a battle. My baby sister was a baby demon that scared me for life but I tolerated her because she is my baby sister and I was too young and weak to snap her neck.But WHY! WHY!! GOD WHY!!!

I can’t tweet in church peacefully because the latest version of demons are hungry! WHY can’t I just shop, make my hair or even read in peace? Everywhere you turn there is one devil’s agent ready to take me to hell! I’m in a bus traveling on a very bad road and I’m mad as hell and the she-demon decides she is even more annoyed and so I must listen to the devil’s music! And then the mother decides I should help her hold the baby while she get the human flesh to offer to her demon.  Arrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!

Babies are cute I know and I can’t wait to have one. But so what if they are cute and can’t communicate well can’t they at least be considerate? When mummy offers milk suck on that shit like your life depends on it (cos it really does) n shut the fuck up! I hate hate hate miserable babies and I swear every time I’m near a baby that just won’t stop screaming in my head I’m running (like a crazy person) screaming Argggggghhhhhhhh!!!! till I wrap my hands round that fragile neck and stop the screaming permanently!

Oh WOW! Here’s my personal advice: These ‘demons’ as you have chosen to call them are considered blessings to some but trust me, I feel your pain. Here’s what you do. when next the demon starts screaming or crying, look at it with your best poker face and then break out in simultaneous screaming and crying. Trust me, the demon will be shocked and will ultimately shut up. It works like a charm

********

ii

********

I would like to rant about twitter. Yes, twitter, the place where majority of you spend your existence listening to people who don’t give a shit about your listening and forming flaming swords on top other people’s opinions. Yes, the verse that is twitter is the cynosure of my rant.

It’s not even the voltrons, or the celebs or the down syndrome abbreviators or the attention whores or the wannabe pastors, or the thirst squad (captained by females) or even the husband hunters – awon Indiana Jones; that offend me, no no. You’re all cool beans and some kpankere. Do you know what offends me? The people who ask for a follow back. The team followback. The hashtag I follow back. The now ff please follow back, the team you must listen to what I have to say by fire by force even if I have nothing of interest to say. <insert very apt argggghhhh here>

My brothers, sisters and other sentient beings in tweets, please lend me your ears. Kindly, lovingly, but don’t expect me to lend mine back! As I don’t want to follow you back nko? As you don’t have gist nko? Did I trawl through twitterverse and click on the follow button in your profile? I didn’t? Gee, I wonder why. You think it’s maybe I was waiting for you to follow me first, I was just itching like someone in a nest of bedbugs, twitching like a crackhead, neck bobbing like the friendly neighborhood hoe, just WAITING to follow you right back the minute you followed abi? No nigga! Bye bitch. I don’t want to follow oooo! *claps hands over mouth* Ra ra ra! No! Wa! MBA! I have refused. I’m not following. Unfollow me back if it’s paining you my brother, have some Nyquil for the pain, in fact overdose. Sister mi, if the pain reached your innards, collect some preek. Lay your vex to rest, put your burning, feverish head on a pillow and cool it with a damp cloth, strike thine breast and knoweth thou that there isn’t a followback in your future. *deep breath*

*continues in O’Ren Ishii dulcet tones* What I mean to say is, learn to take a not follow like a G. Collect it with the strength of a pornstar riding shotgun on a mammoth dick. Hold hands and sing kumbaya my brothers and sisters, do anything but please, PLEASE stop asking for followbacks. Your mother already let your raggedy ass slide out her cooch, please let her keep pretending it was worth it. God bless you all. Let’s have coffee sometime.

That’s my rant. Even if it doesn’t get posted, man I said it, it had to be said. Thanks for listening.

Phoenix.

I don’t even know if i should say or add anything to this. I mean, what is this Twitter that this ‘Phoenix’ speaks of? What is a ‘follow back?’ Who are these celebs or cool keeds? So many questions. Do use the comment box to share your opinions and educate us all.

Cheers