WWW? iDK!

Hey Guys, welcome to this blog again. Yes i know that some of you are here because you expect to read something as brilliant as the last post, well fuck it. I couldn’t get my supplier to deliver an early pack of my good stuff, so you’re gonna bear with whatever i dish out on here. By the way, i partied hard last night and i’m not back to my right senses…or left as the case really is. *shrugs*

So, we oughta have an Outerviews post today but heck it! Y’all were too lazy to send in anything (yes. Its your fault) so, because i love you and wouldn’t wanna leave you high and dry, i have decided to come here and rant. What are we ranting about this Sunday afternoon? Good question. Waiting for an answer? Get to the end of the post.
So i was reading GQ being the gentleman i am and i stumbled across an article that really got me thinking. A lot of times, the question “what do women want?” has come up and lots of people have come up with their answers. It was one such annoying answer-article that i read that made me scream BLASPHEMY!!! and rush to type this.

I don’t know the answer to what women want perse (cos as their faces and hairstyles differ, na so dem wahala take differ) but i know what they DON’T want. Can you imagine, the article said women want a FUNNY GUY!!! I’m like KILL THE WRITER!!! If i hear that ONE MORE TIME that what a woman finds sexy in a man is his ability to make her laugh, i’ll probably start cutting off my toes with blunt scissors. What a joke! Its just not true. As a matter of fact, this is just another ploy by the womenfolk to appear deep. I’m not saying they aren’t deep o, i’m just saying…yeah you catch my drift. If this was true, do you think Woody Allen would have married his adopted daughter?

What women want is not a man that makes them laugh but a man that makes them RICH. Shikena!

No , No check it out, remember Basketmouth of those days, dude was hella funny, did any girl look at him? For where? They couldn’t see past his scrawny stick of spaghetti physique and dada hair. Fast forward to 2011, the hair is over dada now o but pepper has rested. Shey he’s married? You’re laughing? You think its a joking matter (get it? Huh? Huh?) *sigh*™ . So yeah, women want a RICH guy. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend not Nite of a thousand laughs or Witty comments. Diamonds! Look at Hugh Hefner, that dude is going to be 120 soon, don’t you wonder how come all those young, voluptuous, ravishable damsels flock around him? Do you think he’s cracking jokes? Its simple. The dude has the money to run the world if he pleases. Shey that chic took his $$$ diamond engagement ring and didn’t return it after the wedding was off. Diamonds. See?

Leave me, this shit is paining me jare. Yes e dey pain me. We will be there forming witty and making girls (and guys) laugh on Twitter, yet i can count the amount of benefits i’ve received from it (sometimes i feel like a vegetable sef). We will be there waiting for DM’s that will never come, then one GQ writer will tell me that women want FUNNY men. *spits* oloshi! ….Oh, aunty what did you say? You don’t want a Rich guy? Wow. UdonMeanIt? Okay, well your case is rare. If you don’t want a rich guy, then it must mean you want a TALL guy.
You can tell the dumbest joke the world has ever heard but if you’re 6’8, there’s a heightened possibility that you’ll have the ladies listening. This is because ladies (for some weird reason) believe that height is associated with a larger than average schlong. If you take the Wand.A.Coal case as study, you will discover that from the picture shown and based on his height, we can infer that short people have…ok, let’s not generalise. (i’m getting taller by the way). Women want a tall, RICH, good looking guy who is comfortable talking about his feelings. Ha! Guys shey you now see…Think about it. What’s the dumbest show on TV? You don’t know? Ok, i’ll save you. IMO its “Keeping up with the Kardashians”..The name alone tells you that the struggle is real. Ok now, take the Kardashians as our case study. Lets say the 3 sisters represent 3 types of ladies we have (Kourtney = fickle, Kim = Dumb but enterprising, Khloe = smart/loud broad). Now they all hook up with 3 guys (Scott, Kris Humphries, Lamar Odom) Is there any funny one among them? Ehn? NO! Any tall ones? YES. Any RICH ones? Yes. Out of the guys, who gets the most disrespect? Scott. Why? Because he isn’t TALL or too RICH. Shikena!!! I never thought i would learn anything by watching that show but there…*sips jews*

Look, a guy falls for a woman cos her bum looks nice or she has nice boobs , Megan Fox’ eyes and Angelina Jolie lips but a woman falls in love with a guy because he can recite Nite of a 1000 laughs episode 1-18? I don’t think so. If women find funny men so attractive, why did Maleke switch from comedy to music to attempted politics? The struggle is real my people. Now they say they find funny men attractive, ha! Remember when you were younger and you would make funny faces at that girl and she’ll give you that disgusted look and say “grow up, agbaya!” smh. Women don’t laugh, except they are laughing at the hole behind your trousers, your weird colour combination, or your recent Gbagaun. Women are too focussed to be laughing, this is why few women tell jokes. The ones that do look like men (i didn’t mention princess and co o…gigachic is an exception sha. That chic hawt!!) its not their fault, they just weren’t wired that way, they have an interest in shoes instead.
Based on the fact sef that women are a very ‘touchy’ bunch; you know their mind is filled with stuff that you shouldn’t make jokes about. Things like war, famine, death, poverty, paedophilia, genocide, animal cruelty, female body parts, marital fidelity, their friends, their family, Tonto’s lingua, women’s sports, old age, homelessness, disability, 2face, mental illness, foreign accents, KFC Ibadan, Festac, homosexuality, Don jazzy, female hair, cancer…i mean , what the fuck is left to be funny about? Sasha’s weight? Traffic? W-H-A-T???
So, heres the bottomline. I don’t care what you think or say. This is my blog and i’m the president of this outfit ‘TSC’. Ehen. I am a funny guy…Shut up! I may not make you fall and roll on the floor (i do that to Esse often sha), I may not have appeared on a stage and caused you to pee in your panties (really because you drank too much water sha), i may not be as cocky yet funny as Piers Morgan but i know some good jokes, i’ve got some good punchlines, puns and shit. I am all this but YET, i can count the women that have fallen for me on the fingers of one hand and still have some left to pick my nose. You know what i am? I’m a joke! I’m part of a dying breed, what do i do? Get tall? Get Rich? Or adopt a daughter?

The comment box is yours to agree, disagree or enlighten us more. The discussion continues “what do women want?”

*zooms off in discussion continues*

WET R18

Hey everyone, toolsman here. Oops! Sorry. You know how these things can be. I never really perfected the art of plagiarism. I belonged to those class of people who dubbed Mat nos alongside answers. We were the guys you would tell: “Please don’t copy word for word o!” and we would say “of course not. I’m changing them”

PSYCHE!!!

So its Sirkastiq here and today on TSC, we shall be bringing you something distinctively different. It’s Wet Wednesday!! Applause anyone? Oh camman! And here I thought you guys would be excited with this new idea. *sigh*™ . Anyway, I know we’ve all read those sexual posts on some blogs like that, and those posts kinda make you all horny and stiff, sorry stuff. Truth is, those posts are not entirely truthful. They don’t depict the true story and how things really happen. We at TSC believe in upholding truth and integrity, hence we shall be serving you the naked truth, not snippets or convos.

* * * * *

Hotel room 330 never smelt so good. I sprayed my favorite Bvlgari on my temples and on the points I know her lips would come in contact with. The scent of a man/woman is a memory that lingers on for so long and I was hell bent on giving her memories to last a lifetime. Wait. No. memories to drive her back into my arms sooner than later. I have imagined this day for the past week,Clearing my schedule to make sure that this itch is successfully scratched. Now its here and I don’t intend to give star boy a reason to make a part 2 of his successful hit song “don’t dull”

I sit on the edge of the bed, careful not to rumple the sheets, I just want things to be picture perfect when she comes. My mind does a quick rewind to how this started. There you were seated beside me in that ‘Young shall grow’ luxurious bus. Actually ehn, I planned it. I had spotted you struggling with your Ghana must go bag as you approached the ticket terminal and the nice guy in me was moved to aid you. (Mehn that bag heavy sha, what was in it? Yam tubers?) It was only normal that I buy the seat next to yours to ensure that we sat side by side all the way to Lagos. Phone numbers exchanged, many calls later, MANY sent credit later and here we are about to Set.This.P Isn’t the lord good?

*Rewind 3 hours ago*

“Oga chemist, you get cd?”
“Bros, which one be cd again?”
“rubber naw, why you dey fall pesin hand like this?”
“Oh (laughs) bros bros! I no know say na that wan you dey talk naw. I get. Durex dey, Ruff ryder dey, koko dey, Gold cir…”
“Give me ruff ryder abeg. Two packs!”
“Bros, na im be say action don set be that. You wan shine congo abi? Bad guys”

*collects packs of condom and proceeds to hotel*

“Hi, can I see your room rates please?” *receptionist hands him list*
“hmmm..the penthouse suites go for 60k for a night? Are they vacant?”
“yes sir, we have 2 suites and they are vacant. Should I give you a tour?”
“No No. does it have a view of the Third mainland bridge?”
“No sir, it doesn’t. but..”
“No forgerrit, I like my suites overlooking the TMB, I like the adrenaline rush from the cars zooming”
*receptionist is puzzled*
“So your cheapest room is 6k ehn? How many are there?”
“we have 15 single rooms sir. And some are vacant”
“I hope the A/C and AfricaMagic is working well..”
“yes sir. Very well.”
“Ok then, I’ll manage it afterall, its just a night. Give me the 6k room”

*This present moment*

“Hey baby, just tell the receptionist room 330. Im up already”

I open the door and usher her in. Angela looks radiantly beautiful in her LBD (Little black dress morons). We both knew why we were here, we had spoken at length over the phone and she had made me tell her the things I was going to do to her, all the while engaging herself in a self pleasuring exercise. You know how nothing goes for nothing, I had gotten her to send me some nude pics of herself so that I’ll know its real. Well seeing as the pics had no face attached to it, I had to give her the benefit of doubt. Tonight though, all doubts were gonna be cleared.

Omo, bone o! I didn’t have money to buy any wine so it was straight to business sharply. “was it hard locating this place?” I asked. “No, not relly,” she said in beautiful eastern accent as she settled on the bed. I wasn’t here to eat accent so I didn’t care. (I had learnt to always ensure that if there is a chair in the room, it should have stuff on it to make sure that the only available place to sit is the bed. Thanks Noble Igwe). I moved up closely to her and ran my hands through her hair. “You are beautiful angela” I said. “Wait. Biko easy o. Charity has asked that I borrow her this brazillian when I’m done. I don’t want it to spwell before that time.” I laughed to lighten the mood. Allowing my hands slide down to her neck, I leaned in and kissed on her cheek (this always serves as a check to see whether she’s relaxed and ready, if she no resist, ogbeni carry go) My lips went lower to her neck and she arched her head back. Planting some little kisses there, I allowed my hand go lower to her hands, thankfully, her dress was sleeveless so it was easy to stroke her long arms while still kissing on her neck. I was still gently nibbling on her neck when she began to mutter some words in ibo. But I have not even started now. I stopped for a bit to be sure she wasn’t changing to some spiritual something. “why did you stop naw?” she asked. “I just wanted to be sure you’re ok.” I said.

We resumed where we left off. This time I had her lying on the bed while I took the next bold step, planting my lips on hers, playfully at first, just engaging in lip familiarity. Seeing as she had eased in to the act, I let my hands move up to her breasts. ‘mistakenly’ brushing them. No resistance. I parted her lips with expert precision and stuck my tongue in probing for treasures within. WAIT. HOLD ON. I sure as hell didn’t eat fufu today. WTF?! (what tha fufu?) Babe must have a fufu factory running in her mouth or definitely downed no less than 6 wraps before coming here. My hands were still saying hi to her breasts when my lips said goodbye to hers stylishly. I pulled away and unbuttoned my shirt. At the same time, she took off her blouse. CHINEKE!!! O_O Such magical brilliance. Like how did she do that. P.diddy’s “do it again” voice came to my mind. I mean, angela had somehow managed to remove her bra alongside the dress all in one swift movement. As if that wasn’t enough, she had also removed her Breasts. Yes. Her breasts. My mind wanted to reach for my phone and scroll to the pictures she had been sending me. What happened to those C-cups? This wasn’t allowed. This isn’t school where you work to go from a C to an A? What happened to those boobs in the pics? Where did they go? How? WHYYYYY????

I don’t know if the expression on my face was that of a lovestruck kid but she must have thought so ‘cos she pulled me head first down to her coochie. (The power of the LBD. Allowing girls do without panties since 1963) Down there, I felt like I was fighting the civil war somewhere in a Biafran bush. I expected that at some point I would hear birds chirping or stuff. I don’t know exactly what I was supposed to be doing down there (I’d understand if my teeth were clippers and she wanted a shave but..) she kept on saying “eat mey eat mey” Nigga what?! I wasn’t gonna eat anything even if my life depended on it. Heck! The Biafran zone smelt like a skunk crawled in there, farted and then died.

My world was coming to an end. This wasn’t how I expected this P to go. Maybe the eventual sex would be worth it. I endured rubbing my face around for a bit and then got up. Sliding my hands down my paynt, I worked my soldier to attention stance. I was going to make this girl pay by nacking her till she was sore. My lil man ‘nackson’ as I call him was ready to go. I parted her legs and tried to ease myself in, but the struggle was real. Angela was dryer than my attempted jokes on Twitter. There’s nothing a little KY jelly can’t fix. I rubbed some on her, making sure my nose went nowhere near there. Ok, we’re good to go. Attemped entry no 2..the tip went in and then all I heard was KPAKAM!!! It had happened o! I had never seen nackson so limp in all my life. He was bent at an awkward angle and the pain coursing through my borry was hellish. Shit. My guy was broken. Issalie.

I writhed in pain while Angela put on her clothes. “Your a disgrace oh! Ordinary fork you cannot fork. And later you pipo will be forming bad ass. Nna biko, n’yem cab fare lemme go home.” I pointed to my pants on the floor and Angela had no problems locating the N2000 naira left there.

As I lay in pain, I remembered the words of the chemist. “…you wan shine congo abi?”

Well there you have it guys. This is NOT a true story and it did NOT happen to me. I have only shared the truth. Now we know that these things happen but we all pretend and act like we are Antonio Banderas and she’s Angelina Jolie in “Original Sin” pls sit. Fell free to share some of your embarrassing experiences in the comments section. Emmm..you can use ‘anonymous’ to protect your rep (people like SheriphSkills, MrOmidiran, ChinnyDiva, VicKalu etc)

*crawling off floor to go soak in a bath* *sigh*™

OuterViews V

Hello, welcome to Outerviews today. It is I, the beautiful, delectable, amazing – 

*Saka cuts in*, “hey, this is not your show!” 

OK, whatever! *whispers* “Saka likes me.” 

Anyway, it is I, @TheFakeesse, Ifunanya of #EsseBoobs fame. (Yes, this is shameless self promotion, but who cares?) Anyway, I wil be your host today, and on the show, we have amazing multi-talented Nollywood star, businezz (she made me spell it this way) tycoon and all round diva.. I give you, Tonto Dikeh!!!!!

*applause from mainly Africa Magic filled Audience*

Please note, due to the nature of this outerview, my default facial expression varied from O_O to O_o

Tonto: *bluzhez* Thankz, my loveliez.
Me: Umm…. OK… Welcome, Miss Tonto. You are even more beautiful in person.
Tonto: Oh, thankz… I uze a lot of beauty productz. You know becauze I’m light zkinned I have to uze foundation and lot of toning…
Me: O_o *interrupting* But, I didn’t ask about your beauty regimen, Miss Tonto. And I guess this is as good a time as any to ask about your very obvious aversion to the letter ‘S’.
Tonto: Ahhh.. that. Yez. Peope alwaiz azk me that. But I don’t have anything againzt ‘S’. I juzt like Z becauze it resemblez the mark of Zorro. I love Antonio Banderaz.
Me: O_o But that’s not even how you spell his name…. *sigh* Never mind. So, tell us, you actually studied Petrochemical Engineering? You must be very intelligent.
Tonto: Oh, please! Don’t make me bluzh! Well, thank you. I am very brilliant. I had good gradez and it’z my love for acting that made me go into the businezz. I could have found a job anywhere I want.
Me: O_O -___- *nods* Very modest, are we? I don’t doubt it for a second. Moving on, there have been a lot of rumours and gist because of your recent movies. Most of these movies star you, Muna Obiekwe and an old man of forgettable name

*Saka hands me piece of paper*

Oh, yes, Jibola Dabo. Are you not afraid these movies might damage your already shaky reputation?
Tonto: *Laughs* What shaky reputation? My reputation is not shaky. It’z az firm az Muna Obiekwe’z ztomach.
Me: O_O *interrupting again* B-but, do you think that’s the best comparison for you to use in relation to the word “firm?”
Tonto: Can you pleaze ztop interrupting my thoughtz? I’m trying to think and you’re not helping with your nosy parking!
Me: O_o Nosy parking?! Err…. I’m not sure such a thing exists..
Tonto: Trust me you don’t want to see my red eyez! Ztop correcting me!
Me: O_O Your red… OK. You are very popular on the social networking site Twitter. Why do you enjoy tweeting so much?
Tonto: Oh, It’z becauze of my fanz! Everything I’m doing iz for the fanz. And like you zaid, I am very popular and thiz iz becauze of my many fanz and alzo…

*Loud noise in studio as someone walks unto the set*

Nonhle Thema: (to Tonto) Excuse me, you? Popular? Plenty fans? Hello!!! I AM your walking God. I run Twitter. Everyone worships me on there.
Me: O_O I’m sorry, who is this?
Tonto: *stands and does the Blackberry girls clap* Ehn eehn!!! Who is this one?! Do I know you from anywhere?? 

*Argument continues between Tonto and Nonhle*

Me: Producer!! Saka!!! What is all this? Is this what you called me to be doing?! I quit!
Saka: Wait, let me fix it…

*Two hefty looking men come and bundle Nonhle in Bagco super sack and carry her to God knows where.*

Tonto: What rubbish! What arrant nonsense! *primps hair and rolls eyes*
Me: I’m so sorry. We apologize for the embarrassment.
Tonto: It’z alright. Go on.
Me: So tell us, you have ventured into the music industry? Do you think that Nigeria is ready to accept Tonto as a singer?
Tonto: Well…

*loud noise again as someone hurries unto set*
Me: Oh God, not again!
Apollonia: (to Tonto) Eheen! Shey iwo ni Miss Fasson Internasona (Fashion International) I’ve been find you since! Dat other day as I wave to you, o dami lohun! Iz it not you I’m greeting???
Tonto: WHAT THE HELL?! Who iz thiz nincompoop?!
Me: Saka, I can’t please. You’re not paying me enough for all this drama.
Saka: Wait. Apollo, come. This is not your movie set. Come let’s go and find your friend Mary Remmy. I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you.
Apollo: Aah… oda! Lerrus go! You, Toto, I will catch you in some other times. Olori gbeske oshi..

*follows Saka out of building*

Me: O_O I am sorry. 
Tonto: *speaks unprintable English* Hizzz! Continue, jare!
Me: OK, then. Next question. A lot of people seem to be… fascinated by your name…. do you want to say anything on that? You know, set the record straight once and for all?
Tonto: *laughs* Yez, yez. I hear all the jokez on Twitter…
Me: O_O *interrupts* I’m sorry, you HEAR the…
Tonto: *flashes me a glimpse of ‘red eyez’*
Me: *shuts up quick*
Tonto: Az I waz zaying, “Tonto Dikeh” iz actually my ztage name. My full name is Toronto D.K.N.Y. Because I was conceived in Toronto, and born in New York. But people are alwayz accuzzing me of prouding…
Me: O_O 😐 O_o -___-
Tonto: *continuing* Zo, I zhortformed it to Tonto. You know Toronto to Tonto. Quite catchy, eh? Zo, I removed the two city names. Toronto and N.Y. Zo, now I have Tonto D.K. Zo, my manager changed the D.K. to Dikeh zo that it can appeal to more Nigerianz.
Me: O_O First of all, Miss Toronto, that is the most ridiculous name story I ever heard. Second, ‘shortformed’ is NOT even a word. Ahn ahn!
Tonto: You know what?! I’ve had it with you and your nonzenze and ingredientz, coming here, wasting my time, all the harrassment!
Me: O_O
Tonto: I’m out! I can’t take theze busheet!!! I’m gonna call my lawyerz and producerz.
Me: *whispers* Producers kwa?! *calls out to her* B-but, wait… Miss Toronto!!!

Tonto storms out in anger. As she walks away, the 8 inch heels of her Louboutins break and she falls and hits her head on the floor. Her head cracks open and blood, a white Blackberry torch, and many strands of Muna Obiekwe’s chest hair all spill out.

Me: O_O Saka, I quit yo. I’m not cut out for this. *exits*

* * * * * *

Esse! Baby! Wait!!! *sigh*™ *pockets white torch sharply*

In Other news people, asides for OuterViews, feel free to send in your stories, articles, whatever. As long as they aren’t effective sleep inducers, they are much welcome on TSC.

Till I can successfully think up something to get you on here again, here’s a piece of advice: “Christmas is coming. You might wanna stock up on your Omo and persil. That which wasn’t possible in the summer can be possible in Winter. Amen somebody?”

DEVelaTION I

IMPORTANT INFORMATION
Dear reader/viewer/whoever you are, due to the fiery nature of this Outerview, we shall not be posting any pictures. This is to keep the physical identity of our guest completely secret. This is also because he/it/she is known to take up various forms as was the case during this meeting.

MORE IMPORTANT INFORMATION
This outerview was carried out in temperatures reaching 50 degrees Celsius somewhere near Ladipo market, Oshodi. Let’s just say we needed something close to our guests natural habitat and a perfect setting where he likes to reside.

VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION
This post is not for the lily livered, infact it contains subtle revelations the writer recieved. If you consider yourself easily offended, then I advice that you close this browser page right this moment. However, if you decide to engage yourself reading through the content of my twisted mind, then do not hold me responsible for what you might come out with. Further personal ‘study’ is also encouraged. Its that sort of deep post..yeah…

We may proceed…

Close this page now…

I have told u o..ehen!

* * *

Me: Our guest today is very popular worldwide, known on all continents and even realms beyond our familiar planet. Different people refer to him in different dialects but he’s still one and the same. A globe trotter of sorts. Funny though, I didn’t have to travel far to get him on the show tonight. You know what they say about an idle mind? It kinda attracts him. Yes. Ladies, Gentlemen, bots , insects, weirdos, trannies, and MTN staff you are welcome to Outerviews.
This is a special edition as you can see, reaching you live from my idle mind with surrounding temperatures as hot as hell, let us welcome our guest for today, the one, the only D’evil.

Cue music: ‘Zombie’ Cranberries *crickets*
D’evil comes on staged dressed in Prada*

Me: You’re welcome sir, hope you don’t intend to stay long here in my mind?
D’evil: I’ll stay as long as you let me *evil laugh* muhahahaha* Yes guys, the original evil laugh is ‘muhahaha’ not ‘buhahaha’ Write that down.
Me: before we proceed sir, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
D’evil: I do.
Me: Errr…is that the truth?
D’evil: Are you fucking kidding me? I swear. What? Do you want me to put my finger to the ground, stick it in my mouth, point to the fucking sky and say ‘God’ too?
Me: That might help.
D’evil: who even taught you guys that stuff? That’s just nasty mehn.
Me: ok sir, we may proceed.
D’evil: yeah, we better, you know how I like moving from place to place seeking whom to devour..
Me: Very well then, I must commend your attire today. Who are you wearing?
D’evil: *chuckles* Well, the suit like you know is by Prada, I’m wearing shoes by BOSS, based on who I am, then my time piece is Eternity by Calvin Klein, you know I have to keep up with the times. And my fragrance is Death by Versace, he made that specially for the show.
And yeah, let me use this opportunity to say fuck that shit y’all heard about horns and a tail. What do I look like? Asterix or fucking Obelix? Y’all need to correct that shit or I swear imma bust major caps in yo asses when we meet yo! *rick ross grunt*

Me: Ok sir, let’s move on to more personal information. Can you tell us your real names, where you’re from, date of birth? The kinda info you fill on facebook?
D’evil: well like you know I’m D’evil aka Sayten but my friends call me Lou.C.fa..yeah I’m from *pause* well, I used to reside in Heaven (which is somewhere above cloud 9) but I got tired and decided to come to earth cos it rocks!
Me: is this the truth sir, cos what we read in the bible..
*cut short*
D’evil: Are you calling me a liar?
Me: well…
D’evil: how dare you call me a liar. You will refer to me as the FATHER of LIES and not a liar! you chinese technological replica of a bad imitation of a celestial being.
Me: ok sir..date of birth?
D’evil: I was born before the foundations of the earth so do the math..Isaiah 14: 12-20 helps you understand sha..
Me: a bilble passage? You know the Bible?
D’evil: who fights a battle without knowing anything about his opponent(s) *shrugs*

Me: Right Sir, can you tell us what happened in the garden of eden with Adam n eve?
D’evil: I hope you know I ruled the earth before Adam and eve came to be..Genesis explains that. HE told adam to REplenish the earth right? ‘RE’ means to ‘do again’ this means something had happened to the earth before and it was adams job to make it right again…
Me: Yes…
D’evil: I walked among men. Lived among them and was king over them. I had access to Heaven, I came and went as I pleased. (Isaiah 14: 16). I was an authority, I weakened nations..that was not enough…There was a first flood that wiped the whole earth (this was before adam). This was the flood that made the earth void and without form. Adam was made to start a new earth…
Me: So you wanted to stop Adam..
D’evil: Yes. When HE created man in His image and likeness, it was the biggest Insult dealt to me. HE made man and gave him all of HIMSELF. I was banished from Heaven because I wanted to be like HIM.
Me: Isaiah 14:13 says you were banished because you said in your heart “I will ascend into Heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God…”
D’evil: same difference noni…notice ‘ASCEND’..for those doubting that I actually ruled on earth. I desired to be just like The Most HIGH v. 14…all I wanted, HE gave man (adam) just like that. SHIT!!!
Me: Hence you planned to make man sin..
D’evil: well, I never force anyone to do anything. For all of you that say “D’evil made me do it” I’m waiting for you. I just suggest, ask questions, Twist the truth a bit…Adam made his choice, he listened to his ‘help’ such help she turned out to be right? Muhahahaha…

Me: ok sir, let’s move on..who’s your fave musician?
D’evil..Oh! They differ mehn..right now, I be jamming some Jay and Kanye..you know them niggas got my back. Watching my throne and shii..Last week we had a mad Fela Concert yo! There was kush everywhere and you needed to see them Naija niggas doing some alanta ish yo..like they got fire all o’er their body..oh wait. They did. Muhahaha.
Me: favorite game?
D’evil: well its a tie between God of war and Devil may cry..
Me: Jesus! You play God of war?
*D’evil kneels*
Me: O_o
D’evil: *sigh*™ He’s Lord…You just had to mention the name didn’t you?
Me: Oh, jesus?
*D’evil kneels again* “He’s Lord”
Me: oh! I see “at the mention of the name..”

Me: ok sir, as we round up this meeting, some few questions left.. Is there really hell?
D’evil: Nigga u crazy? Doesn’t this scorching sun prove to you that Hell is real? Did you ever think you’ll experience something this hot? I’m sure you didn’t. Hence its understandable that some live in denial..its allowed, I’ve got lotsa room for them in death.
Me: Can you tell us some people that are there?
D’evil: how about I tell you who isn’t? Fela, Abacha, Idi-Amin,..
Me *interrupts* but you said Fela conce..
D’evil: Muhahahaha..I’m joking jare
Me: No you’re lying.
D’evil: Are you calling me a liar?
Me: No, I didn’t say that.
D’evil: Now YOU are lying, you insinuated it.
Me: insinuations and spoken words are not the same.
D’evil: Out of the heart…
Me: but I didn’t speak, I just typed this
D’evil: *growls*
Me: Gotcha!
D’evil: *does waka sign* Your Father!
Me: Eyssss!!!

D’evil: look man, I gotta go, I’ve gotta convince Ugo, Victor, Deola, Coco and Bankole to watch that porn movie. I also have to give MTN staff some ideas on worsening their service. Oh! There’s also Tonto, she’s thinking of another duet, I’m tryna convince her to go for it, how can I forget the oracle, Nigga needs questions for tonight and there’s no better mind for my evening relaxation.
Can we continue this sometime soon? Yes/No? I’ll find you.
*D’evil vanishes*

Me: Emm, people, errr…
(To be Continued)

OuterViews IV

*In serious, stern face* The Outerview you are about to read is one laced with subtle hints of brilliance, bravery and depth. Our desire to bring you the inside scoop of happenings all around us sometimes drives us to places that even Angels and/or demons fear to tread. Seeing as I’m none of the above (I’m a ‘scent’), I decided to send in a daring correspondent, a patient of chronic psychosis, a morphed chinese fish..A Sushey.

* * *

It was with a great sense of pleasure and humility that I accepted to take part in this endeavour to educate since that is my initial calling. Ever heard the “I am Larry Sushey, everyone needs to learn the stuff I teach” line? No? Well now you have. Listen attentively as I will take you on an underground tour of enlightenment, through the embers of the mind of one the wise men from the east. Not Anambra o! I mean the Middle – East. (Wonder why they call it that)

And yeah… This post is sponsored by Saka’s Stick- PaRtiNg rEd SEaS sInCe 1991.

*Venue: Some dingy studio in Ramallah
*Outerviewer: Larry Sushey
*Outerviewee: Mahmood Abass (Palestinian PM)
*Time: 1:45 am

First things first, let me say that it took me almost four hours to explain to the Palestinian authorities that this was a radio interview and we therefore wouldn’t be needing a sign language interpreter. These people are very stubborn. They say almost half the population is deaf, I say the other half don’t listen. Anyway, here goes… Enjoy and learn!
N.B they had a machine that translated everything I said to Arabic for Mr. Abbas to read from so he was reading my questions in Arabic.

Larry Sushey: Good morning your Excellency. It is a real pleasure to be here. We…

Mahmood Abbas: ثتقفق شفق عتق لاشزقفسي?

Interpreter: Where is camera?

Larry Sushey: This is a radio program sir…

Mahmood Abbas: *chuckles* تجتققتشستججتق ح لجفاقع.

Interpreter: President laugh, he forget.

Larry Sushey: O_o You recently submitted a document at the United Nations hq in New York seeking an independent state of Palestine. How is that going?

Mahmood Abbas: ثق تسئق يخةزحععقب حع ح نخيع تجدق غتسع عتق حولحبقكي تسئق وجع عتفجثو حع خوبقف عتق لأسفدقع.

Interpreter: We have submit a big paper, we just hope the infidels don’t kolobi it.

Larry Sushey: Who are the infidels?

Mahmood Abbas: O_o شفق هجخ زسب? حيفسقك شوب هشومقق جل لإجخفيق…

Interpreter: *spits* Are you mad? Israel and America of course!

Larry Sushey: *swallows spit and adjusts bullet proof vest* Okay. Educate our listeners on this occupation brouhaha between you and Israel.

Mahmood Abbas: ةقلجفق 1948 تسئق هجخ تقشفب جل شوه ذكسلاق لاشككقب حيفسقك? عتجيق دقجذكق بجخاتع خي حو ساعة ثسف، خيقب جنجفج عج ثحو شوب يعجكق جخف كشوب.

Interpreter: Before 1948, there is no place call Israel. They scatter all over the world and that is why Hitler want to kill them. They go to your land and want to thief everything and take over. That is their flavour. They come and engage us in illegal war, use ojoro and win and they occupy Palestinian territory after we have agree give them small land to farm and build temple of worship. They are infidels and Hamas and Fattah will…

Larry Sushey: *faces interpreter* So you mean to tell me that the few sentences his excellency spewed is this long when translated. Are you sure you aren’t adding somethings by yourself? O_o

Interpreter: O_O. No. *sips green tea*

Larry Sushey: Sorry about that sir. Have you explored dialogue as a means of resolving this conflict?

Mahmood Abbas: ثتسع لإجفولكشمقي?

Interpreter: What cornflakes?

Larry Sushey: C O N F L I C T not cornflakes.

Mahmood Abbas: جت هقي. هجخ يقق، دسكقيعحوحسوي شفق ساعة دقسلاقلخك دقجذكق. قئقفهعحزق ثق أج عج عتق عشةكق عتق حيفسقكحي يعسكك عتق عسكمي. عتقه بجوع ثسوع عج كقسئق. ثق تسئق لحوشككه بقلاحبقب غتسع ثق ثسوع جخف جثو لإجخوعفه. لحوحيت!

Interpreter: Palestinians is a peace loving people. We have go to the table to talk many times but the infidel, sorry, Israeli always not agree to our conditions. They don’t like peace. So no more talk till we have our country!

Larry Sushey: With all due respect sir, how do you get your country without a peaceful resolution via dialogue first? Have you relaxed your conditions?

Mahmood Abbas: ثق بج وجع جثق حع عج فقكسر جخف لاجوبحعحجويز جخف بقلاحيحجو حي لحوشك شوب ثق ثحكك وجع ةخباق غحكك ثق اقع ثتسع ثق ثسوع. ثق عفحقب بحسكجاخق حع بحبوع ثجفم، وجث ةه لحفق ةه لجفلاق، ثق ثحكك اقع جخف وسعحجو.

Interpreter: We will not relax anything! This is our land and they must accept our condition. If not we must get our country by fire by force first then we discuss again.

Larry Sushey: You said earlier that Israel didn’t exist before 1948. The Bible says they’ve been since beginning of time however. What do you say to this?

Mahmood Abbas: لجفاقع غتسع عتحوا! حي حع وجع زسو غتسع ثفجعق عتق ةحةكث? بجوع عفخيع زسو ج! ةقيحبقي، عتحي حي وجع سةجخع فقكحاحجو. حع حي سةجخع كشوب.

Interpreter: Forget all that. Man wrote the Bible, man can lie very much. Also, this not about religion. It’s about land.

Larry Sushey: Okay sir, any last words for our listeners before we leave the studio?

Mahmood Abbas: دسكقيحوق حي ساعة ئقفه ةقشخعحلخك لاجخوعفه. ثق تسئق أججب عقش، أججب كشوب شوب وسعخفسك يغفحددقفي. عتقه بج وجع لاشكك حع أشءس يغفحد لجف وجعتحوا. شكيج عتقفق حي عجخفحيع سععفشلاعحجو كحمق يتقحم سفشلشع’ي إفسئق شوب عتق لقؤلاق سع أشءس. هجخ يتجخكب.

Interpreter: Palestine is beautiful country. We have tea and good farmland. We have tourist attraction like big mosque and Yasser Arafat grave. We also have the infidel fence put up by those pigs and the best strippers in the world in Gaza. They don’t call it Gaza strip for nothing. Visit us again.

Larry Sushey: Thank you Mr. Presi…

*They blindfold me, lead me through the back door and drive me to the airport with a sack of green tea*

All the while I’m thinking, what the hell is wrong with these people?!

Larry Sushey.

*camera re focuses on me #AsaBawse*
Don’t deny, we blew you away with our Arabic lines. #dontLieAdmitIt.
right, right..here on Outerviews, we desire to educate as well as entertain you. Don’t lie, some of you didn’t know that Mahmood Abass is the Prime Minister of *scrolls up to check the country again* Yeah..Yeah. Well we’ve schooled you once again. Be thankful.
Oh by the way, its @SlevinCalevra’s birthday today. Just incase you didn’t know, he’s the same person as Larry Sushey. Drop him a birthday wish, credit etc. I’ll try to make sure he gets it.

Oh yeah, to my comrades, friends and family off to serve our mother abi na fatherland in this NYSC batch, pls stay alive. Terdoh, my man, see this as your opportunity to get familiar with your roots. #NoAgbo.

Yeah, so till next time when we come your way again, hit the subscribe button, tell your friends, Enemies and followers that TSC is the place to be.
*now back to writing that ‘dry friday’ post*

Commen8urrs

“Please Read and RT…”

A very popular line we see around these parts. Infact, i’m sure a lot of you saw this instruction before proceeding on here. Whether you actually do help the cause is another cool story altogether but that’s not why we are here. You see, Ladies and Gentlemen, today we shall be doing some serious soul searching. Yes. Shit is serious. Based on the amount of Patients we have checked into TSC recently, it’s only natural that we embark on this exercise for the sake of my sanity. Yes I’m running mad. You wanna know who’s driving me bollocks? Oh! How nice. Wait for it, Wait for it *drumrolls* Keep waiting…

Your regular blogger

Blogsville is a very selfish place, a place filled with bloggers with inflated egos, people who think they have something to say and subject you to reading it. They come on here and force their ideologies and shit down your throats as if some of you don’t have enough being rammed down your throats already. Some of them on here are as lame as my attempt to insert a witty metaphor in this space, yet they keep at it, killing us softly with their already dead attempted ‘humourical’ posts. There are those ones that do a very good job at sending us to sleep with their poetic pieces. (This would have been welcome if only they posted them at 9/10pm not during work hours). Arrgggh…the story tellers, i think this place must be some Nollywood training ground ‘cos i can’t for the life of me understand why i should be subjected to reading some bleh story. And believe me when i say that we are entertained to bleh on bleh on bleh here. Those ones who think they are experts at passing salt, the ones who have problems with their barber, the ones that don’t wear socks, the ashawo ones, the clowns…*sigh*™ the list is endless.

The truth is bitter, Alomo (Ice Prince see what you’ve caused?) Well, someone has gotta speak it and that’s me. The reason these people have a voice is Y O U!!! Yes you, with your hand on that down arrow key, mouse or Trackpad. You staring at this screen, looking at this word..this WORD! Yes YOU!!!

You thought for a bit i was going to do some Blogger bashing? Nah we don’t do that here. Today we shall celebrate YOU, dear commenter.  I shall attempt to give honour to whom honour is due because i’m nice like that. Just look through and search for which category of commenters you fall into.

THE FUTURE LIARS:  Its sad that we were raised in times where much importance was attached to titles and achievements, This is responsible for the mad crave for recognition in society. This madness has crept in here. A lot of you (not me sha) will have kids and use the “when i was your age, i always came first” line.

FIRST?

I understand that Blogs afford you the opportunity to at least come first in your life (apart from those that always CUM first). More grease to your left hand or as the case may be, more bandwidth speed to your modem. We like the idea sha, at least, it increases the number of comments we have. But remember “one day the first will be the…” Yeah.

THE RETARDS:  Relax abeg, na say i call you retard dey make you vex? You tink say dem never call Wizkid retard before? Park well abeg. Yes so you belong to this group if all you say in the comments section is  “LOL” like WTF??? No SERIOUSLY, you left what you were doing previously to read a blog post and all you can say is ‘lol’ Shey you know we all use ‘lol’ and most of the time, our face is set in stone like that Aziga guy on MTN project fame.

Oh my! wrong picture…that’s not him. Hold on a sec…

i couldn't find a stern picture

Anyway, you get my drift. “lol’ is a lazy man’s comment and it really means “i can’t really process any smart thing to say here so i might as well just type lol and get to stepping.” This behavior was learnt and perfected on Social Networks where lol became the easiest way to avoid conversations before the (Y) smiley took over. Lol, LMAO and other such acronyms are NOT tolerated on here. if you can’t type a full sentence then GTFOH!!!

THE ADVERTISERS: These guys come into your posts with little or nothing to say. they are peddlers of links or selling some ware or the other. Notable amongst them include Mallams selling Zobo, Girls selling Sprite, carpenters distributing seats, Lastma and area boys selling parking space etc. They are a necessary evil and you can trust them to show up when things get heated up. The link peddlers are however Blogsville Houseboys and girls ready to provide more information concerning the topic(s) being discussed. They don’t have anything to say o, they will just come and advertise their link..’ Click here’ , this is the link—> http://www.yesimjobless.com/so?

The Mallam peddling his Zobo

THE ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT: Ok, now these ones are a special lot. i tend to call them the nerds. As far as i’m concerned, they are failed or attempting lecturers seeking recognition on blogs. (hopefully, the English HOD of some school will stumble upon their comments and seek them for employment.) They are skilled in the art of tatafo thus bringing me to the accurate conclusion that they have at one time or the other lived in face-me- i -face- you ville. These guys come into posts to count paragraphs, detect gbagauns and grammatical errors. they also have the ability to tell you what the story should have been like because they have the original manuscripts stored in their brain. They are like insects that prey on you at night, sapping your strength and all. What these guys might not realise though, is that, their regular visits to these blogs show some form of loyalty, like a drug that they can’t stay away from.In subtle words, they are secret fans, they just don’t know it yet…or maybe they do.

Can a praying Mantis be Atheist?

THE FAILED BLOGGERS: *sigh*™ These ones are the problems we have in our country today. Just as every Nigerian can coach our football team with their mouths, these guys can make or mar a post with their keypads. They are failed bloggers because  i don”t know whether they are unaware that blogger apps are free. they will come and write epistles in the comment sections. Their own theory will be longer than the subject discussed. Some will tell you how their Aunts and Uncles had bla bla bla and how bla bla became black sheep. The worst part is, when they’re done, They will apologise for “the long comment” when they can spare us the torture and just delete the rubbish. Most times they yarn balls but hey we asked for a comment so ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯.

THE WORST: These ones are the carriers of the Most dreaded word in the whole blogsville. They have the hottest parts of Hades reserved for them for this major cruelty to mankind which they so easily display on the regular. These are the guys who go to the comment box and type “Nice”

N to the fucking Ice?!? I sit my butt down and type some brain wrecking, butt aching stuff and you come on here and tell me ‘nice? You would be better off forcing me to Lip Lock with Kenneth Okonkwo. What?!? Let me tell you what nice means. Nice means:

i got the link you tweeted at me and i opened the blog. i saw it was a story, a loooong story (i scrolled down quickly). i realised i wasn’t going to read it so since i’m already down here, i figured i might as well just comment. i can’t lol because i don’t know if its a funny post or not so i’ll just play safe and type ‘nice’ so that you’ll know i was here and its real.

You know what happen to 9ice people? You don’t? Ok o..rather than say ‘nice’ please, abeg just click ‘like’ on the post. It registers your unimportant presence (pls o I’m being sarcastic, but of course)

So yeah, you all fall into one or more of these categories. feel free to identify yourself in the comment section below. i know there’s one more category which is the obviously sensible ones but that’s not why we are here. Good guys cum last..booyah..Truth is though, you guys are the reasons we stay on here. Yes Bloggers can say that they write because they love the art but who’s a Musician without his audience? Who’s a sportsman without the spectators? Who’s a D’banj without a Don Jazzy? I really want to appreciate all of you who take out time to Read and actually comment, no matter the category you belong. You make the journey worthwhile for us. On behalf of every Blogger, i say…

*scene changes, disco and spotlights come on. Its Sirkastiq doing the MJ crotch grab and moving waist up and down* cue in Theme song*

i’m just an Oliver,(3x) Oliver Twist…Lebete, lebete,lebete,…Labata, labata, labata…Zebede, zebede, zebede

Pls keep commenting. thanks Signed: Bloggers.

OuterViews III

*walks into recording studio furiously having upper and lower teeth conversations with the unlucky piece of what was once a ram* Keeps chewing irritatingly…attempts to talk with mouth full (no luck)* signals producer to ‘hold on’*…*licks fingers, all five of them, then wipes mouth with back of palm*

Eid Mubarak my brothers and sisters..*looks at other piece of meat in hand* You know what, @xoAFRO will just host you guys today. I can’t. *kisses meat*

Laugh wherever you see Laugh

NB: anywhere you see #LAUGH, kindly insert the fake sitcom laughter so that our audience would think that the show is actually funny. Thank you!

“On the screen, it’s xoAFROoooo!!!”

#LAUGH

*Walks in with typing exclamation marks (Levi’s ex-girlfriend skinnies) and rocking my CAPSLOCKS  (high tops),  spacebar mode of course! (shirtless)*

Before we get on with today’s Night of a thousand yimus, what did the fractured femur say to the spinal cord?

“Back when I was broke, yo!”

#LAUGH

*Dodges silk panties and brassieres being tossed on stage*

Gentlemen, please, you can like to keep those Classic knickersTM  on, thank you!

Today we shall keep it as fluid as possible.  #LAUGH. After all It’s The SirKastiq Center’s OuterViews show and you know what to expect. Terdoh you can pass the free tubes of lube around now and no, you don’t have to go naked to get gifts here *Hi5s Kelvin*#LAUGH

Get on, shall we?

On the show today shall be a selection of Nigerian entertainers, the popular ones. Put your hands together as we welcome… *You there clapping, did I tell you to clap?* #LAUGH. Yes, we have  D’Banj,  Davido, Duncan Mighty, Ice Prince, and we shall be asking them all the questions we’ve always wanted to ask, those questions that came to mind after we listened to their songs and had  a ??? moment.

Leggo!

“So, err, it seems all of you have been creating your own sounds of late; I would not say the sounds are meaningless because they might in fact obfuscate very ‘otionic’ nuggets of wisdom that even get Johnny ‘Depth’ in a tidy fix. We’d start with you D’Banj. What is Lebete?”

“I’m D’Banj, my Jamaican friends call me…”

Dont ask me, i dont know where my Harmonica is

“Skibanj? I think we’ve heard that too many times, can you answer the question please?” #LAUGH

“Lebete is…  when you lay… X_O

**For future references, kindly Refer to X_O as the ‘Help me! I am dizzy’ look

“Since SkiBanj appears to be rolling in the deep, err, Davido, what exactly does ‘ah na na na na ni na ni nooo’ in your new single, Dami duro, mean?

What the fuck is Ijo Shina Rambo? The way the body of the victims of the retired armed robbery legend shook violently when he punctured it with bullets?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“Wikipedia says Shina Rambo is actually a pastor now so I guess Ijo Shina Rambo might be a more spiritual sort of gyration. I think we should move on to other things. Errr, there are some interesting concepts we’ve also found in your music, all of you. We shall start with you Duncan Mighty.

I'm a Port-Harcourt militant...

In your song, I don’t give a shot, you suggested that the behind of a woman can shoot a catapult and blow peanuts, some kalaku too, whatever that means. Can you kindly explain how all these things are possible? Peanut producing booties are sort of rare where I’m from”

X_O

#LAUGH

“Does anybody know what they’re singing about at all? What of you Ice Prince?

Feeling my superstar? No?

In your song, Juju, you claimed to be the milk in the game, and I quote, ‘No tea, homie’. We shall ignore that a Chocolate City representative has some Lipton when no one is looking and we shall also ignore that you ended a lot of lines on that album with exclamations of ‘man ‘and ‘homie’ (although that made us quite uneasy).  The question really is where is milk needed in the game? Which game needs milk? I’ve actually never seen anyone pour a jug of milk on a Ludo board?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“Okay, Ice Prince, this should be easier, in your song Magician, your lines are quoted this ‘You dey make my head pop champagne; Imma vote for you girl like campaign’, can you please explain the logic behind those lines? How a head pops champagne? How one can vote during a campaign?”

“Your head can pop champagne.”

“How?”

Ice Prince: “You’re a guy, you should know which head I’m referring to”

#LAUGH

“But we have ladies in the audience?”

Ice Prince: “They should ask the guys”

“Fair enough, but what of the voting-campaign riddle?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“While you’re still thinking up an answer, Ice Prince you also rapped and I quote ‘I just want a piece of that potion’. How exactly can one get a piece of a potion? The logic defeats us all. Can one use a chainsaw to rip apart the contents of a cup of agbo?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“That should be all for today, we thank you all for tuning in. We also encourage you to buy original copies of their albums because riddles are good for the mind. Original copies oh! All of you stealing a hundred and fifty Naira….  X_O  Really!!!

“Err, can the medical team come with stretchers so they can carry these entertainers out to reboot them?”

#LAUGH

Till next time, on the screen, it’s xoAFROoooo!!!”

TNC Review

What you are about to read is TSC’s review of the just concluded TNC. *pause* Incase you are not aware,  TNC (The Naked Convos) is our sister site and as such we are entitled to their content and events. What this means is that we at TSC have exclusive rights to… abeg all this isn’t necessary. Right, moving on…

Before i proceed, i might as well answer the most #FAQ  “What is TNC?”  Originally, it was a blog site managed by @thetoolsman, (thetoolsman.wordpress.com) now though, it has evolved to a website managed by the @thetoolsman. The difference between a blogsite and a website is; one is free, the other isn’t and me I don’t do free things so do the math, However, the event TNC (The naked convos) is a platform where people gather to discuss serious issues in an informal gathering laced with fun, games and stuff to drink/eat. PSYCHE!!!  TNC is actually a well packaged P-setting platform in the mould of Jerry Springer where individuals of different brain capacities gather in an attempt to woo each other, (sheesh, who still says ‘woo?’) engage in orgies of all sort, show off skin (male and female) with an eventual goal of getting NAKED. In summary, incase you’re asked in a job interview, TNC can be defined as the setting for taking convos to the final destination of Nakedness. 😐

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can now proceed.

Bogobiri was the venue, 4pm was the scheduled time…The first arrivals abi arrivees were @UcheAnne and @BoukkieO followed closely by @Mz_Shadee  *followed as used in this context does not refer to the Twitter lingo, Thank you* Look, im not here to do roll call for you people jare, yes.. so @CapoeiraPanda bounces in (BEING a panda and all, @Olatoxic, see what i did there?)and introduces himself to everyone there at the time. The look of shock on his face when he met @thetoolsman is akin to that expressed by Munya when his name wasn’t announced as winner of BBA.

CHOI!! Na @thetoolsman be this?

Lets just say that @CapoeiraPanda thought Tula would be much bigger than me..

One of these is Thetoolsman, One is not me.

More and more people began trooping in, all looking ready to SET. THAT. P. The ladies, looking like pages out of Vanity Fair at first converged at one area (typical) ,seated, head down, fingers moving, totally oblivious of the existence of any living soul around, their focus on the screens of their BB’s or ipads as was the case sometimes.

Me, i didn’t travel all the way to Lagos to press BB or dull so I took up my position at the door ensuring everyone entering had the pink wristband thingy and welcoming the ladies with handshakes while secretly feeling the warmth of their palms. “Hi, my name is Kelvin” most ladies: *laugh* “the vegetable dude?” Me: “ #WithAnL” “Ladies:  i’m ….. nice to meet you, i’m…..on Twitter” You see guys, in the end all publicity is good publicity. So as the venue got fuller, the P began to be set and Panda spotted his first target as seen in the picture below,

WOW! such ASSets...

Others followed his lead and sought out their Twitter crushes… “Hi, i’m @je_mc2 and i laughed at loud at your tweet on Sunday the 3rd of july 2011 at around 3pm…” The braver ones went straight to the point “When you tweeted @FreshPrinzVick can so gerrit, were you joking? See I favorited the tweet for such a time as this”

While some were attempting to set P, others were having naked convos in the one toilet located at the venue. I’m talking about the lingerie models. (Yes. We had lingerie models, strippers charged more) The ladies had to change secretly and then strut their stuff for a minute. Some of us (I didnt mention my name) had to ensure that goods paid for were in perfect condition hence ‘some’ were privileged to have up, close and personal relations with the 2 models for the 3O minutes it took them to wear bra and payint in the toilet. I’m sure if some of the ladies knew how much the girls were paid to walk pass for less than a minute, they would have volunteered for half the price. Shout out to he that did a good job in providing this service. If you need such ladies at your event, hola and we shall direct you to THE MAN! Ashawo boy!!!

See me oh! I didn’t even mention the theme of the event since, and you people did not even call me to order. Mtcheeew..our generation is in trouble! So the title was lifted aka Plagiarized from the LOX single that year “Money, Power, Respect” Let me be honest, i can’t tell you much about how the discussions went because i was busy around NOT setting P or pecking chics I sha stumbled in when a question about whether chics consider money an important factor in a relationship was asked. Trust girls now…”i can date a guy who’s not bucksed up” NA LIE!!! You don’t believe? Oya, open a Twitter account and in your bio, write “I AM NOT BUCKSED UP!” Even spam bots won’t follow your broke ass. While the discourse continued, one of the panellists (female) said “ i am rich, i just bought 2 pairs of Louboutins today!” Choi!!! The thing pained the guys around me and the girls began to mutter. One said “why she no wear am naw?” Another said “Lobatan!”. Me I don’t care whether you can afford Jimmy Choos or Jimi choose , Louboutins or LewisButtons, just know how to take “em off quickly when the ‘need, arises. *”need arising” is very sexual. Yes I know*

As a way of appreciating the guests, Brief essentials gave out some bras to B cups and D cups. “if you know you are a 34B (I think), come and take this bra” Nobody came out.  See boys looking at the breasts around them. “are you sure you’re not a B?”, “ I could have sworn you’re a D. You have such curvy C’s” Please i’m not the one that said these things. Eventually, some girls came out and were presented with the bras as gifts. However, before they left the stage, a game called “unhooking the bra” was played.  Male volunteers were called for and their responsibility was to unhook the bra without using hands and without the ladies’ assistance.  With the ladies putting on the bras over their clothes, the guys were set to go…at the word GO! @DemiladeR had in 2 secs unclasped the bra. *pause* Apparently, the chic had aided by touching the bra so it had to be redone, This time he did it in 5 secs…with his teeth. It was like he spoke to the bra hook, then with such tact he had the straps off the chics shoulders all in 5 SECONDS!! Ah! We had to ‘Tuale’ the guy abeg.

The Bra man..see the tools of my trade?

I believe Demilade had no hands in his former life OR he’s used to tits, sorry teeth. I don’t know about you, but he won my respect with that feat. (Wow! I rhymed)

Meanwhile @Olatoxic who proudly flies Virgin Airways was manning the TNC tweet center (we just had to keep him useful, seeing as he wasn’t gonna get any) we were wrong! Most of the chics seemed eager to test his abilities or ‘disabilites’ ANNOUNCEMENT: Toxic is scamming you people, this is just his own Modus Operandi . don’t  fall victim. Stay away from him. As more compensation, he won ‘most creative dresser’… i guess this was so because he wore a winter jacket under severe sunny conditions. It don’t get more creative than that!

The Toxic man

Hi, i

One major character around was @SheriphSkills, his Pick up line went thus “Hi, i’m skills, give me a hug jor, im wearing a condom” and it worked every friggin time! He eventually showed that his name ‘skills’ isn’t as useless as the ‘diva’ and ‘sexy’ in some handles as he took control of the camera and was responsible for some of the wonderful shots at the event. He would later on entertain us to some classic fuji beats on the drums. I swear Sheriif has his calling in fuji music. He just hasn’t realised it yet

Hi, im skills *hic* i

As the event drew to a close, it was announced that a Galaxy tab was to be given away. The question to be answered? “How NAKED can you go?” I considered participating but I’m a faithful Apple fan. Yes ke! Anyway, we had two volunteers: a drop dead gorgeous chick and a guy. The crowd went wild (awon ashewo oshi), even the quiet ones like @NateOblivion became so excited. Ha! Oya now…the stripping started, dude took off his shirt and jeans and we beheld his boxers (luckily, it wasn’t slacked) Babe showed us a lovely black bra and payint combination..the crowd went wilder!! @awizii got Uber-excited, @Reine_LaGlace cheered them on, @Olatoxic left the laptop for me (while all this was going on, I was the one tweeting from @thenakedconvos I couldn’t behold such scene/sin) at this point, the guy exposed his butt while covering up his pee-pee but the babe couldn’t go further. Oh she should have taken the bra off, oh she should ha..(*Control your thirst kelvin*)*sigh*™
I know some of you reading this are saying “imagine they stripped because of tab, GALAXY tab of 100k” yes! Some of you have gone naked, legs spread for SnapTu download link, Opera mini cheats, 3 months BIS, BB bold 2 etc so all y’all do the yimu after me..

Yeah yeah, so that was it with TNC, lots of picture taking, pecks and kisses, and all that gooey stuff. You definitely don’t wanna miss the next edition complete with an After party and shii..follow @thenakedconvos for up-to-date info, subscribe to the blog http://www.thenakedconvos.com, follow me @Sirkastiq (ha! Free advert l’omo) and follow this blog as well.

Shout outs to all those who aided this post, @360nobs for some pics, my BB for the rest,.its been fun y’all..now I need sleep. Scroll down for interesting pics and Visit http://t.co/l8JbkVCY for more.

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I wanted to set P with her...i FAILED!