Rant Five

Hi Guys,
Grey here.
It’s been one helluva week for us and we’ve been up to a lotta writing. Not here though, I featured on TNC’s “Sins Of The Fathers” series here and so did Sirkastiq here Cumical has been on a break from his usual rounds but he’ll be back this weekend. So if you missed any of our posts, be sure to catch up
So we all have those particular bitch baby bundles and untidy bales of straw life keeps piling on our metaphorical camels’ backs. Until that moment when life adds that ONE strand of straw. And your camel just cannot take the precise bullshit anymore and you remove the first 3 buttons of your shirt in public, untuck your shirt, ruffle your hair, open the face of your mouth and just go AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Well, yeah. We’ve been receiving posts from you guys about the type of straw your own life wanted to use to put your own camel in a wheelchair without you or your camel’s permission. Today on AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Our guest who prefers to remain anonymous rants about an issue I’m sure most ladies (in her shoes) can relate to. Without further ado…

I dunno how to start this rant but I’m just gonna start anyways.1. I’m 25 (going on 26…ah! Sound of music). I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 16years (close mouth abeg), yep over 9years+. Yet, no ring to show for it. No serious marriage plans.
You know what the annoying part is? All my friends thought I was gonna get married first back in school. Now, even those that were single back then are getting married before me (this life). And of course, I’m always on the train….dancing to “all the single ladies” and jumping to catch the bouquet. I have never caught it.
It got so bad that on 2 occasions, my friends (the Bride) actually walked up to me and handed over the bouquet and said “you’re next.” I just wished the ground could open up and swallow me! Like c’mon I’m not that old nah.
God bless my mum, she doesn’t pester me (much) about marriage. Unlike my Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Neighbours, Colleagues, Boss, Friends….(the list goes on) that have carried it on their head like fila and gele. They always say, “You’re next in line for a miracle” whenever they hear that a friend is getting married.
AAARRRGGHHH!!! Gimme a break please.
And oh, I’m in a long distance relationship.

2. The only thing my mum really pesters me about is the fact that I rarely go out to catch some fun. She says, “this is the best time to hang out with your friends and let your hair down.” Preach my Deaconess mama!
Yielding to her advice, I decided to go out with this guy that has been bugging me for awhile.  We went to Ikeja City Mall for Dinner and a Movie.
While eating at the restaurant, I noticed this guy’s horrible table manner (I mean the whole 9yards). When I couldn’t take it anymore, I snatched my clutch from the table, got up and said “Nah, I can’t put up with this” and headed straight for the exit. Leaving a big O on his mouth while his spoon hung mid air.
I got out and I was thanking who ever came up with the “vex money” rule cos I brought my atm with me. I was just gonna withdraw cash, get a cab and head back home.
As I catwalked to the machine, I searched my clutch for my card, only to realise I’d brought my ID CARD instead of my ATM CARD (see gobe!) I just came to a halt and did a U-turn back to the restaurant without missing a beat.
Luckily, the guy was still there….looking perplexed. I walked up to him and said “Gotcha!!” And laughed like I meant it and he joined in. I sat down and said “Nawa for you ooo, you couldn’t even come after me.” He was like, “I was too dazed to move” with mashed potatoes flying from his mouth.
And I screamed “AAAGGRRHHH!!!!” in my mind.


There you have it guys. Next time a girl miraculously returns to you after you and your camel have given up on getting lucky? And she says “Gotcha!” or “I was just playing with you”? She has actually thought of leaving you and life didn’t let her. And she’s probably typing a blog post ranting about your gross mashed potato eating ass and sending it to TSC.
Do yourself a favor will you?
Have you played the Street fighter videogame before?
Do you know what Ryu’s uppercut looks and sounds like?
Feel free to use the comment box to share or respond to this post or then again, send yours to us thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com
On behalf of TSC, Grey out. Peace.

28 thoughts on “Rant Five

  1. Yebaaa!!! U just wan rudely leav d nigga like dat.. Why u wanna go and do dat? Nice cover up tho… Buhahahahaa!!!


  2. Jst ave fun gurlfwnd, happiness is d most important thing. Marriage iz a one handle door, d only handle iz ☺̇₪ d outside, once u in,YOU re in bt d bottom line is b happy


  3. I feel the plight of this young lady, if I was this dude who she dating, constant contact makes total sense, constantly remind her where u stand but as things are, some babes wud call it stalking.
    Really I fink she’s an awesome lady and deserves the best, and I know she’ll be singing Bruno Mars’ – It will rain, but I’m so sure if he doesn’t take heed, he’ll be singing Bruno Mars’ – When I was ur man.
    But there again, the devil u know is way better than the angel u donno…..


    1. So true! Guess she didn’t think of that or she didn’t have cash at home.
      Nevertheless, I love her come back! Let’s give it to her.


  4. A really G̶̲̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡D̶̲̅ piece. It took a lot of courage †̥ go bak but dt dos nt mean she ¶§ enjoying †ђξ moment cos, wat ¶§ worth doing @ al ¶§ worth doing well. But If ℓ̊ were dt guy anyway ℓ̊ ll take ♏Ɣ chances Άŋϑ giv ha enof reasons why she shldnt Av left in †ђξ first place despite ha claim of playing pranks.
    Big ups guy a really G̶̲̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡D̶̲̅ one


  5. Really hilarious,can’t stop laughing @ d 2nd part of d story,I ave read it ova n ova again…its really so discomforting wen u r wit sm1 u can’t stand,so I feel u girl…As 4 d 1st part,I really feel ur pain cos I was in ur place 2,jst do wat is right in ur heart cos its only u dat can make dat decision.wishing u all d best in wateva u decide 2 do.


  6. Do you realize that the only thing you said about your relationship is that it’s been +9 years? My inner Dr Phil tells me that the number of years is probably all you’ve got going for you guys… if he marries you now, it’ll be because you’ve had more patience than Abraham and Sarah put together.

    And as for the date, so what if he spits mashed potato like shrapnel? My dear, wear a helmet. So what if when he’s drinking water, it sounds like he’s eating Pringles? Wear earplugs! Get to know him first! If he treats you right, respects you, is good company and smart/funny, anything else can be fixed/tolerated/muted… You can start “dating” when you’re good and ready. If not, you’re going to find something irritating in the next guy you go out with…

    You’re a lovely person and I think you deserve the best. If you weren’t you’d be banging half the guys and a few girls in Nigeria. Be good… :*


    1. Hi Ngozi, thanks for your comment.
      I didn’t elaborate on my relationship because that isn’t what the post is about.
      I was ranting about people disturbing me to get hitched. Not asking if we are financially ready. All expecting us to be married cos we’ve been dating for a long time.
      The most important thing is that we still love and understand each other completely.

      Thanks Dr. Phil 😉


  7. For the part1 of the post, I think my 2cents about that is if after all these years he hasn’t seriously talked about settling down with you, at least to letchu know it’s on his mind but he’s probably not financially ready, then something obviously is wrong somewhere. And u said you’re in a long distance relationship, which could mean he’s in a different part of the world. Ask yourself these: 1.Are you sincerely convinced he’s faithful to you (not assumin)? 2. Does he make efforts to keep in the closest contact w u, call u/skype w u every lil chance he gets? Does he have the steadiest long distance communication w u? 3. Is he ready to leave his life over there to come back and settle here w you, if need be,(there’s still the option of moving u there tho ;)) cos I’ve a cuz who reunited w her ex-bf that traveled to Scotland shortly after their 1st break up, they reunited late last year and he’s relocating back to naija, to start a life/family w her in the next couple months (mind u he has a stable, well paying job over there in jand so he isn’t coming back cos he’s jobless, he’s cos she wants her fam here and he’s giving it to her). What are his priorities? You know him better than we all do. Then most importantly, what are your priorities? Remember the top on your list should be ur HAPPINESS! Enough said cos right now I think my own RANTS are longer than yours :-p
    As for the 2nd part of the post, I’m dying laughing I can’t even begin to talk about it right now! Like I literally died! LMAOOO! Smart girl 😉


  8. OMG! The 2nd part…. I was like WAHT?! And silently felt vexd that u dint have that right card wit u! Sum1 said u shld look beyond his table manners, err, kinda very hard thing if u ask me…lol.
    Then again, i’d say, evaluate ur current relatnship on all the right sides, n pls dont go kissin frogs, while u wait for that special prince (ur present boo, or anoda on d way, dunno) to do the right thing!
    I trust u’d b fine, u deserve it! :*


  9. Abt d relationship, awl advice u ve a crious talk wif d guy, if he really wants 2 settle down wif u,nd if he wants 2 he shld come home nd do sometin crious even if he’s nt financially ready, nt just counting d years.

    For second part…..LMAO, u shld ve corrected d guy na haba.lol, most guys don’t observe table manners o, dey don’t just kr.


  10. Don’t worry, you’re next in line for a miracle, just that some lines don’t move… Change your line, must you be with that guy? What’s he giving you that much and he can’t give you a ring yet? Be guided…wisdom is profitable to direct


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