DemoCrazy

Dear Mr President or any Government official reading this. This is a joke. I swear, none of this is true. It’s just a figment of the writer’s imagination. Please if for any reason you decide to seek out the person that wrote this and deal with him, His handle is @Terdoh and I really don’t know him. No, in fact, I have never heard of him. This article is strictly his doing. In fact, I had no hand in it. If you want his number and all other contact details, I shall gladly supply it just to show how patriotic I am to your government and your work. It’s not like i personally have it cos like I said, I don’t know him. I’ll sha ask around. Anything for my country.

Tuale!

@Sirkastiq

*****

By @TERDOH

My fellow Nigerians…

(_)Qama_2

LOL “fellow Nigerians”. Who wrote this shit?

My fellow Nigerians, it is with great pleasure that I address you this morning. It has been 14 years since General Adbulsalami Abubakar and his cap handed over the reins of power to democracy. I think he only did that because they agreed to put him on the new 20 Naira note, He’s been waiting and now he’s got white beards and all but that’s an issue for #AskOBJ. Not me…

As for my own, it’s been 3 years since Yar’ Adua died and left me to rule the country, and everyone who has seen my handwork knows that I have done a very great job so far. When you consider the fact that he didn’t leave a manual of operation or even the location of the remote for the big screen TV in the lounge. So if you don’t mind, for my anniversary, I’d like to just talk about a few of my accomplishments as president.

These things are already there for alliyou to see, but for posterity sake and for tales to tell your kids, here goes:

For my CV…

First of all, I would like you all to know that I was the one… *beats chest* in power *adjusts GEJ hat™* when Nigeria won the AFCON games. Did you see that goal by Sunday Mba? That was me. While I was president…haha! Obasanjo never did this. Don’t compare us. What? You ask how that is an accomplishment? Are you joking? Do you know how I stood by those boys? Do you know how i supported Keshi when he said he was vexed and was going to quit if I didn’t grant him access to my bed chamb…

Wait. who wrote this shit?

Yes Sir, press my breast..Oooh AAhhh

Yes Sir, press my breast..Oooh AAhhh

I know you people are already bringing up the issue of Boko Haram and what not? First of all, I would like to say that these Hausa people are crazy. I don’t understand why they couldn’t do all this while Yar’ Adua was here. I can’t speak their language. They be trying to talk to me…but their English is a lot more advanced than I expected. I can’t dea…

Really, who wrote this? I think this part is making me look bad. I’m going to skip it.

As for how we’re dealing with the issue, I offered them Amnesty, thinking they wouldn’t even know what it meant, but they said they should be the ones offering us amnesty. So I guess now we’ll just have to leave it in the hands of God..

As you all know, we declared states of emergency in all the affected states and even though we caused all the members of Boko Haram to move to other states of the country, I think we have everything under control and we know exactly what we’re doing.

What do you people mean that’s  not enough? What do you want from me? Do i look like I do Black Magic? No seriously, you guys expect me to strap myself up and take them on one by one? I mean, I would but the way my Presidency is set up…Anyway, if you’re feeling generous and want to lay down your life for your nation, pls click here

There is also the issue of electricity that we have obviously solved. Electricity is now constant in Aso Rock and evidently in other parts of the country because when I tune to Africa Magic on the telly I always see that there is light in your homes. You don’t see anyone running generators so yeah, I am convinced the situation is as perfect as it will ever be right now, and this is all thanks to the Goodluck Ebele Jonathan regime. No need to thank me, just doing my job.

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I’m glad that we put the #OccupyNigeria thing behind us. As soon as the memory has faded from your hearts, there shall be full removal of subsidy and such. We might also increase the fuel price a little, because Obasanjo came here every year and increased the price and you guys didn’t say anything. I wonder whether it’s because I’m the most good looking president you’ve had in a while that’s why you think you can just rise up and protest anyhow. I don’t know. But I’m increasing the price soon enough.

Be expectant.

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My fellow Nigerians…

*chuckles* As if…

My fellow Nigerians, there are so many things I would like to address. The issue of food is simply non-existent. Because if we have a state with “The food basket” in their slogan, I see no reason why you should complain. Open the ground and put something inside, lazy man. At a point in my life, I had no shoes, so don’t you dare complain. The issue of water is also nonsense. Because I hear the roads are flooded. If there is water on the streets, there should also be water in your homes. Boil it.

Don’t argue

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This country was built by hardworking Nigerians. I intend to make sure this generation continues with the values our ancestors left behind; Faith in God mostly, because prayer solves all things. I know religion is probably tearing this country apart, but In God We Trust. Keep calm and pray more, there is really no need to blame the president.

But as always, I know what I’m doing.

Okay, I’m starting to like this speech. It’s making me look good. I should promote the head of the speech-writing committee…

Jobs. Yes, jobs… Look, Steve is dead. He was my very good friend before he passed and you don’t see me shouting his name up and down. Get over it and move on…Oh! there’s no employment? Who told you that? The people working, do they have two heads? If you can’t find something to do, please start singing. What’s the name of that boy that was staying in Ojuelegba Shitta but is now singing “Jaiye Jaiye?” Is he not like you? Please miss me with all that unemployment shit. it doesn’t work.

I would also like to point out that number porting was made possible while I was in tenure. I know you’re gonna say I had no hand in the technical aspect but think about it. If I said no, do you think Saka would be dancing in yellow lace everywhere? You’re all very welcome. OBJ might have brought GSM to Nigeria but i brought Porting. You can’t tell me nothing.

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In conclusion, the elections are coming up in 2 years. Apparently, I’m not allowed to run for a second term because of something I might have said in the past. Look, let bygones be bygones. As far as I’m concerned, come 2015, I will send my wife to talk to you people, and let her talk till she has convinced you to vote for me.

God Bless Nigeria.

PDP 2015.

By @TERDOH

*****

Just gotta make sure I capitalized the name of the writer, you know just so there’s no mix up. Yep, I’m nice like that. In the meantime, we are still receiving your entries for the AARRGGHH section. We shall start putting up your articles from next week. Don’t know what AARRGGHH is about? Click and catch up.

AARRGGHH!!!

Listening to “No Love” by Eminem and Lil Wayne is not helping my present mood at all.

Can you tell that I’m pissed? I doubt it.

CAN YOU TELL NOW???!!!!

Well yeah, whatever.

I’ve discovered that i write my most heart felt pieces when i’m angry, in pain or that sorta shit. I started this post off with a desire to embark on one of my usual rants on how much I hate bla bla bla but somehow, i deleted that all off as i figured you guys are probably tired of all that. Besides, I have twitter accounts dedicated to that sole purpose. #FeetFam

Have you hated someone or something so much you just want to go in the booth and pour out all the venom you can muster on a track and them send them the CD with  best wishes for a good day? I have. Always. Your answer is probably “no” because most of you have bad voices and know nothing about going in a booth. And the only venom you have is wasted on Twitter where you threaten brimstone and fire; taking out all your anger on a helpless keyboard, depressing your caps lock because that shit shows how gangster you are.

You ain’t shit.

What happens to the days when we called each other out, met on some field and beat the shit out of each other?

Oh the nigga is hollering at yo chick? I’mma just CAPS LOCK him to death on twitter right now.

You ain’t shit.

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AARRGGGHHHH!!!!

*exhales*

So yeah, we all have shit that we’ve bottled on the inside. I mean, if you’re Nigerian, there’s one thing or the other to complain about. From PHCN, to mosquitoes that visit unannounced, Indomie with no seasoning inside the pack to Jim Iyke unsensed, From the president to your girlfriend that left you because you didn’t use her picture as DP on her birthday.

We all have bottled up issues.

But TSC is here with some hope for you. Over time, our series have featured the best, funny writers and all, we’ve had readers visit and enjoy. This time, we offer our platform to YOU. Rather than die someday from High blood pressure, we present to you “AARRGGHH!!!”

“AARRGGHH!!” basically allows you rant on anything whatsoever. You get to pour out all your emotions into your post and let out the pain that you’ve kept on the inside. Your boyfriend is cheating? you want to rant and cuss him out but you fear people on Twitter will decode and sub you? send that post to “AARRGGHH” Has MTN fucked you up again, stealing your credit one naira an hour? “AARRGGHH” is the place for you.  Your co-worker at the office is determined to kill you with her body odor? go on, write and send it to “AARRGGHH”

Few things to note

All posts will be posted anonymously if you desire. (Pls indicate if you want your name/alias/handle to be published with the piece). All posts MUST have an angry-funny undertone or might not make it to published state. Posts can be real-life experiences (as these are the ones that really pain thus enhance the feeling) or imagined. Posts should NOT be more than 1000 words. Any post that calls out another person will not be published (we believe rants can be done with no name calling, Use fictional/ nicknames if you have to). Posts MUST be meaningful ranting, it will be ignored if you bore us with space tales et al.

We’ll create a section for this purpose and we’ll post as we get articles. You can start sending your entries from NOW!

Please send your posts to mrkelvinis@yahoo.com and/or terd_bend@yahoo.com

Don’t go and kill yourself in silence because you never had the balls to say what you wanted to say. Let posterity document your pain and share it with the world. No. “Posterity” is not an alias for this blog you dimwit

AARRGGHH!!!!

The Rise and Fall

Hi Guys,

Great to have you here. Yes, Yes, we’ve been as consistent as Olivia Pope’s straight face. we know. If you’ve been an avid reader of this blog, you’d know that every long absence must mean we’re cooking up something. Matter of fact, we are. Our next series is in the works and in no time, we’ll furnish information on that.

For now though, we have a guest here to entertain you guys. Remember, all posts sent in are hardly edited and retain the content as sent (except deemed unfit) So yeah, let him know what you think of his post. Ladies and Gentlemen, @nonyizie

*****
So, first of all, before I start off I must say: This is a story my neighbour’s friend’s fiance told me. I have nothing to do with this, I am not the Key character, i don’t even know this person directly either…

With that said, Let’s move on.

Picture 1

This is a story of how…. pffft…Not even sure what this is about so don’t try looking out for morals and lessons. There probably ain’t any.

Anyways, this dude (the neighbour’s friend’s fiancé) was on a long ‘dry streak.’ *side eye, arsenal fans*. Months upon months of drought… no box, no nudes, nada… Not even a dirty chat. The last he had any was during Christmas and that ended on a bad note. Broad wanted me, sorry, him to look her in the face while brapping and obviously that can’t happen cos she was ugly AF  ok
Picture 2 “ok, she probably wasn’t this bad

so instead he fancied Reverse cowgirl and other means whilst working on a mental picture. She had them in right places though, PBB style, and knows just how to lay them down. Have you ever brapped an Estelle but worked with the mindset she’s a Megan Good? No?  Yes? Yea well, me too.

picture 3

She got mad when she realised and yada yada… You know the rest. *Fast forwards to present day*

So just before he meets another, dude decides to take on the sweet things of the world knowing he aint getting any anytime soon. :(. Chocs, ice cream, drinks… The stuff he had deprived himself of (for obvious reasons). This nigguh was king. Reppin #TeamCoke and shii.. Cancelling as many bottles as possible like eezz nothing.

Picture 4 sigh *

Anyway, somehow the stars align and Jupiter favours his hook with another fish. And YES, she was better than OK this time. He puts on his P setting jacket and goes all out . First date went well: deep flirty comments, little kisses and casual ass brushing. It was sure he was gonna get some the next time they met which wasn’t at the cinemas. *I once watched a horrible movie 3 times (Twilight: New Moon) . All failed attempts to get the box. *sigh* That’s another story*

Moving on… Sexting started, and den the D-day was set, she was gon finally get it!. She got the address, went over to see him and without awkward moments or delay, little small talk ensued, kisses followed and before time could slip their grasp *sorry, still working on my Spartacus lingo*the D was put to purpose.

*inserts Wizkid* …back to the matter, open and close, touch your toes, baby oya yòdi…’.  Dude flips out ‘Olympus’ and was ready to serve her like a butler. But babe fancies foreplay and shii so decides to blow his mind away first.
And just like that, in seconds, my nigguh enters beastmode.  Ready to beat that cat up. Flips shawty into position and it was time to be great.
…..

One…

Two….

Three…..

(>_<)

(Ó_Ò)

(O_O)

(⌣́_⌣̀)

*POOF!!*

And just like that, with 3, just 3 thrusts his Eagle had landed!!! Just like that ‘Olympus’ had fallen!!… Ahh! See gobe!

You know that feeling where you fuck up real bad it surprises even you? Yeah, that’s what happened. After all the mouth, *guys this is where u want to think twice when you talking dirty or sexting, talking about how you gon ‘tear that shii up’, ‘make you scream my name and bite the pillow’ yeah, check yourself before you wreck yourself* dude felt like vanishing. Just disappearing.

He was just standing useless like a burnt building. But as you know, as a guy you gotta comport. Observe calm and control the damage. So he zips up and goes: ‘Damn, that box too tight yo’. Shawty still in shock, gets up, confused AF as to what just happened, packages herself and leaves. I’m just here wandering how she felt that day in the cab, on the way home.
Anyways, dude knows he is screwed real bad and wants a fix before he completely messes himself up cos he has another babe coming from Akoka. *I hear they global, ruthless, greatest P setters in the republic*. Well, I dunno. I heard.  Rumours maybe.

So… this is a passionate cry for help to them experts and serial brappers out there… Let’s help this young champ  restore his  G-card.
I’m sure he will be eternally grateful. Won’t you, mikki? Crap! Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. Just drop comments, I’ll take down notes for him.

Peace out!

Wait, PS:: Dude doesn’t fancy all them local shii by the way. Buruntashi, high power, kelebe and shii… Anything other than that would be appreciated. Thanks
This might be fiction or maybe it actually happened or maybe part of it happened.

Later Mortals!!…

@nonyizie

*****

Think you have it in you to crack someone up with a post? feel free to send us a mail. Send to mrkelvinis@yahoo.com or terd_bend@yahoo.com and it just might make it on here.

P.S: if you can’t spell and you abbreviate unnecessarily, please don’t even bother sending. It’s already not funny.

We mean that.

But we love you.

But we still mean that.

After-Math

Yo!

I’m really not so happy to be here (at work) typing this. See, I’d rather still be on my self-imposed workers holiday because I don’t understand how we get a one day holiday out of more than 200 working days.

Anyway, it could be worse; like having to sing the coldstone song for about 200 days while doing work there as a waiter. So yeah, I’m still thankful for such little mercies.

So um, Back to the matter, Our last post Diss-Course was some sort of creative Insult challenge where we basically asked that you guys come up with creative ONE LINER DISSES. For some unknown reason, a lot of you turned it into sparring sessions devoid of ONE LINERS. As the comments rolled in, all i could do was wonder if we shouldn’t have done a post on “What a one liner is” first.

Very few people stuck to the script of ‘one liners’ The rest of you just ran riot, desperately trying (too) hard. But we love you anyway. So I’m just going to stop the speech and point out some of the interesting disses we came across

Now this sorta explains what I said earlier

1.Capture 2

So, when we had our round table, we couldn’t exactly know which of thevillagebelle’s entries to pick because she sent in so many, though we could easily locate some via google. However the above is proof of her ‘official entry’ so yeah,that’s entry number 1..

There were some others that met the ONE LINER criteria and we shall share them as qualifiers for the final Votes which you guys will decide

2.Capture

Now I don’t know if that was a personal hit but someone remind me to maim @Snikoggs anywhere i meet him.

3. Capture3

Hahaha…The thing about this one is; it’s simple, endearing, yet painful. It seems like honest advice but mehn..LOL

4.  Capture4

Yo!!! I’m not even going to pretend, this is actually my favorite..”with a face like that, you should swear more” Can you see the depth in that? It’s like an onion, a plenty-sided spear. it cuts so deep. Mehn, if anyone tells me this, I’ll just give up on the argument, sit on the ground and evaluate my existence.

5. Capture5HAAYYYYYY!!!!

So, you guys are going to play judge; the stage is set; who gets your vote? thevillagebelle, snikoggs, slevinCalevra, faithclin or Gee?

We want to appreciate you guys for participating. Villagebelle, you had soooo much fun, we’re happy we could somehow brighten your NYSC in Zamfara. That’s what TSC always aims to achieve.

Please use the comment section to vote for who you think should get the Monopoly board among the aforementioned participants

So vote guys, I’ll be back at about 6pm to announce the winner 🙂