All I Want For Christmas

Ho Ho Ho!!! Not you Miss Kardation. Yes, It’s Christmas in a matter of days and a lot of you are already in high spirits. Let’s not ignore the fact that some of y’all are always constantly high irrespective of the spirits you indulge in. so yeah. Anyway, as part of our contribution to the season and ensuring that the avid readers of TSC get a chance to experience the joy that comes with this time, we decided to do this.

We asked that you (dear reader) send in your Christmas wishes; These were collated and then forwarded to the North Pole for analysis and scrutiny. Santa said something about him needing to do some sort of Post UME type shit to decipher who’s been naughty or nice. What you’re about to see here is his response to the list sent, The words of the bearded one are in italics. Enjoy and please share with your intended. Beyond the responses, we sincerely hope that if you are mentioned here, you would be nice enough to make someone’s Christmas wish come to pass.

That’s what Christmas is about, right? Right.

Ok then

@So_eXclusiv3: All I want for Xmas is @sirkastiq & chocolate cake      -_-

So I went through your file and realized you have been quite a good girl this year. There were one or two instances; like that party where you allowed that boy push his member into your posterior like he was trying to rip your jeans with it. Such a dweeb, Isn’t that why it’s jeans? Smh. Anyway, do you want sirkastiq on the cake, in the cake, or the cake on him, in him, do you want him in your cake..oops! Send another wish for next year or then again..

@BiggieMonzie: I just want nice male stuff from @KingSweetiee

You know she’s female right? And by male stuff, what exactly do you mean? A shaving stick? ‘cos Igbo women be on that tip too these days. Ah well, King Sweetie, you ‘read’ the man

@MlleShafau: Dear Daddy, All I want for Christmas is a trip to Paris, a Lumia 900 and a Canon Rebel T4i. 🙂

First of all, Do you have daddy issues? ‘cos I dunno when/how I became your daddy. Yo ma an elf? No? Then I sure as hell didn’t do her. Now, you want a trip, a phone and a Camera. Dear Shafau, give me your daddy’s phone number.

@Mystiqqal: All I want for Christmas is a new blackberry (bold 4/6) and an ipod and I want it from Mr Sirkastiq 😀

Dear Mystiqqal, don’t you have a boyfriend? Is Mr. Sirkastiq your boyfriend? You are both suspect!

@hahishaa: From y’all at SarcasticCtr since I read all ur posts.. 🙂 Lagos Life London Living or Half of a yellow sun. Thanks in advance 😀

I think they should be able to make something happen. Atink? Guys? GUYS? *crickets*

@Ms_Veevy: I want a cake for Christmas. A cake that has John Mayer’s face on it. I want to eat him. Thank You.

Alright, so basically you want a munched picture of John Mayer on a cake..hold on a bit…

mayer

Don’t finish it all at once.

These TSC people are so awesome right? Yeah. Spread the word. 

@ehienabs: Ooooh I want a stuffed animal, preferably a dolphin, blue in color, I want it from @TheGreyGenesis

LOOOL…a dolphin? Is that what you call the ‘D’ now? You want it blue? Like blue balls? Well, Dammy over to you. Don’t Dull.

(How many assonances are in the above?) 80mks

@EdgothBoy: I want multiracial babies from @weird_oo

LOL! We said make wishes, not set P. What do you think this is? Match.com? We shall excuse your thirst. *scoffs* Multiracial kor. As two of una black reach?

@lucydiashi: Hi,my xmas wish is for someone to foot the bill 4 cervical cancer screening for 100 women @ our event ‘Red Cup Tins’.@ N1,000 per woman

*assumes serious stance* Anyone with me on this one? Can we get details/replies in the comment box?

@theOnlyUyai: Heyyyyy. I want a huge cake and a box of belgium chocolates from Rugo

Rugo, over to you. You heard the lady.

@W_CUB3 : The real,human pictures of Ke(L)vin @Sirkastiq and Dammy @TheGreyGenesis is all I ask for this Christmas.

We might as well just answer you here and now. Merry Christmas

You're welcome

You’re welcome

PS: Terdoh is holding the camera and Dammy is shooting. Hehe. Shooting…

@Nwanyii_Oma: I’ll love to have Cello 🙂 . Make it happen.

Cello? Like cello-tape? That shit costs 70 bucks max. Yo… Who has 70 naira? We don’t have change.

@MzOjeniyi: All I want for Christmas is a date with @thetoolsman x_x

*blows trumpet* This is not even a problem, You are going to be at TNC5 right? Make sure you’re there. Watch us perform the magic.

@DimiNeeKookie: Ehn ehn, all I want for christmas is small chops and suya delivered to SL1 8HJ, Thank you… Now how’s that for a humble christmas wish? 😀

SL1 8HJ? Is that a plate number? Where is…?What the…? Santa does not deliver presents to moving vans.

@Bellaifee: My Christmas wish is a long term one. I want to get admission to do my masters in Canada by September. Can Santa do that 4 me?

Of course Santa can do that for you. Do you have a laptop, Internet connection, a mouse? Fine, now go to Google  type in “Masters in Canada” Select school, click apply.

Now wait.

Merry Christmas.

@bluphoenixrebel: A Canon PowerShot SX260 HS digital camera won’t be bad at all- as I’m single this gift can come from anyone- the giver gets a prize too! :p

As you’re single, my dear you should be looking for boyfriend not Camera. Manage your BB or Iphone one and patronize Instagram filters. Merry Christmas.

@Psalmchelsz:  All I want for Christmas is an iPhone 5

Did you know the iPhone 5 costs over a hundred Gs? Seeing as you are a man, we cannot provide you with a boyfriend. (Right? Or do you swing low like a sweet chariot?) So, we shall get you a job.

The Sarcastic Center; Teaching a man to fish.

Merry Christmas bro.

@Mzz_Kemmie: I know I’m not supposed to ask for something silly, but what the hell….. All I want for christmas is Terdoh’s brain…..

What kind of…? Is this the Zombie apocalypse? Why do you want his brain? Wait. Is that…? Oh I get it! You want him to give you brain. Terdoh? Over to you.

@TosinOl: All I want 4 Christmas is @ thomasscrown home in Nigeria 🙂

Dear thomasscrown, you heard the lady! You’re needed in the motherland.

@Owggee: Even tho I’m practically computer illiterate, I want a NEW laptop for Christmas! Err… Dunno who I want it from, I’m not sure I care sef.

You don’t care who it is from? You don’t? This is why you young people don’t get gifts anymore. No laptop for you.

@ejayuru: I want a Sony vaio laptop.. cest tout…

What is the sudden craze for laptops? And Ejay, shouldn’t you be wishing for a husband this Christmas season? and who you calling a tout,  you black magic rip off who is not even close to the real blackmagic but …UGH!!

That’s one saucy santa yeah? wonder where all his Christmas cheer went. Well if the only ass I got all year was deer, I’d probably be pissed too. Let’s not even talk about the fact that he ‘comes’ once a year. Can you imagine storing up all that milky goodness to just come once and that’s it? You would be pissed too.

We hope that someone somewhere reads this post and is moved to make another someone’s wish come to pass. You know you can.

In the meantime the TSC crew will like to identify with @Ada_D_Body and @Madphury. We totally support  #ChristmasOnTheStreetz (Making Christmas fun for the displaced children and less privileged at Makoko) movement and might be making an appearance to show solidarity. You can learn more about it here You can also give towards the event via this account Name: Munachi Aniemena (acting accountant) Bank: UBA Acct No: 2059093752

Make it a memorable Christmas for someone. Thank you to all who sent in wishes. We hope they’ll come true.

Merry Christmas guys

@Sirkastiq for TSC

CucKoo

Christmas season is a fun season for many reasons. This is where you act like you didn’t notice my bars oh…keep reading. So yeah, while it’s a season for lots of merriment, we at TSC cannot help but give credit to whom it is due. It is completely appalling and heart breaking that the real martyrs of the season go without being celebrated. Ask the layman on the street what Christmas represents and he’s quick to tell you that we are celebrating the birth of Christ. If you ask some more people, one is sure going to say it’s about celebrating the death of Christ.

Please you can look directly at me, this isn’t class and I’m not about to ask you. Yes, it’s about that but there also is another that makes the season

Enjoy.

******

What is this life but a pot of boiling water and Maggi cubes. Seeing as that’s my eventual fate, I don’t think it’s quite the befitting end to what I expected. You would think that things would be a tad easy seeing as I don’t have to bother with the arduous, daily tasks of waking up early in the morning to brush my teeth and/or shower. Oh my bad! I do wake up early daily and that’s because that cock doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. Yes pun Intended. I’d call him a pussy but that would be glorifying basically.

What? You think I can’t say it to his face that he’s a cock? What do you take me for, a chicken? You are right either ways, I am a chicken.

I can’t exactly remember when I was born because you know, we don’t have calendars and shit. I was the product of a street romance though, Mother told me she was chased round Unity close at Ikeja and somewhere between Toyin st and Ikeja Under bridge, father caught up with her and proceeded to mount her while planting kisses on her neck. Meanwhile, you humans ain’t shit tho. How come dogs and bitches get a sex style named after them and we don’t? Or y’all wanna act like you haven’t seen the chicken style before? Fuckers!

That's papa and Mama getting down and durrrty

That’s papa and Mama getting down and durrrty

So yeah, there I was, conceived in glory, looking like a fly egg and shit when I was plopped out of mothers ass. Couldn’t find a better angled picture, but yeah, that’s me at birth.

Father took the picture...sigh

Father took the picture…sigh

Father didn’t exactly stay to be the breadwinner of the family as he could only manage to pick up few grains as days passed, Before mother could say “cock-a-doodle-doo” Father had stuck his pee-pee inside another chicken. At this point, it’s ok to wonder if you’ve ever seen cock penis. Oh Oh! You didn’t know cocks have cocks? What sort of ignorant igho are you? Where do you think the word cock came from? DPMO please.

The life of a chicken isn’t exactly an easy one. Daily running from un-cultured humans, drunk, stupid drivers and making sure we don’t stop in front of buka’s attempting to catch a breath. I mean, you guys get all loud about kidnappings and shit, you don’t hear us go all cuckoo when our brethren get napped. Walk into your nearest restaurant and what do you see? BAM! Rolling on some grill, you see Julius, nude and roasting. I mean Julius ruled the streets. Nigga was feared all round and there he is; ROLLING ON A FUCKING GRILL, we don’t get no rest. *tears* and you look in the show glass and you see ahmed, francis and chidera (of course beheaded to death) You guys never chill.

Julius..well, what was left of him...

Julius..well, what was left of him…

From left: Ahmed, francis, chidera...*breaks down*

From left: Ahmed, francis, chidera…*breaks down*

It’s not even funny anymore. We don’t rest, Now it’s that time of year where we experience the highest amount of missing persons, highest rate of murders and shit. We can’t deal anymore. Every holiday season basically involves our lives at risk. What the fuck is wrong with you people? What happened to murdering pigs and goats and cows? Why don’t you even murder those wannabe, gutless idiot turkeys as much as you do us? I mean, it used to be equally spread out in time past but now you guys don’t even wait for the special holidays anymore, y’all just be eating chickens daily like we ain’t shit.

And you moslems, what happened to killing rams on YOUR holidays? Oh they’re not good enough now? I don’t see where it said that Ibrahim saw a chicken up on the mountain when he wanted to kill Isiaka. I don’t see that so what the fuck is your fucking problem you fucking fuckers??? AAARGGGGHHHHH!!!! *plucks feathers out* You better not tell me to calm my titties, like you don’t like chicken breast. Psssh.

Go on, touch it, You know you wanna...

That’s The Lover’s nude..had to protect her identity..Go on, touch it, You know you wanna…

It’s Christmas now, and many of us worldwide are going to lay down our lives for the sake of your stupid celebration. I really don’t get it. Y’all say a saviour was born on this day and he died so that all who believe in Him might be saved and live. No one listens to us when we say we believe in Jesus. No. No one listens when we recite our hail Marys and plead the blood just before our throats are slit.  And if he died for us, why the fuck am I being killed for him?

As you put one of my brothers and sisters in some cage or tie us up to some pole somewhere, remember that you are doing us a great injustice and violating our fundamental rights to life. And all that rubbish you feed us in the name of food, fuck you all for that. Oh yes, those of you that actually expect to find eggs in us after death, how about you just stick your pee pees in our ass and trigger the process. Can you tell how pissed I am yet? Can you see how we’ve being reduced to nothing but an accompaniment in some stupid meal?

Sigh

And yeah, why do you all have to kill us by slicing our throats? I don’t see humans having their throats sliced on the regs. Here’s a suggestion, how about you poison us with some food supplements? I dunno, drop that shit in our food and we’ll gladly slump and die. Oh, that puts you at risk of eating poisoned chicken? TELL ME SOMETHING I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW?  Niggas be slicing our heads like we ain’t got crowns and shit, treating us like darn poultry, shiiii. And oh, plucking off our feathers, can y’all like be easy? Some of us saved a lot for our Gucci feathers, you can’t just be all up in our business ripping it apart. TF it look like, Jesus coat at the crucifixion?

Basically, these are just my last words. I know where I’m headed. Some pot, mixed with Tomatoes, oil and maybe vegetables, I’ve accepted my fate. I lay down my life so you can have a Merry Christmas. This is my contribution to earth.

Oh and yeah? Can you fuckers allow a nigga cross the street without having his motives questioned? Thank-the-fuck-you.

@Sirkastiq’s Chicken

*****

LOL…I’m sorry guys, but someone had to speak for them and my chicken had been bugging all this while. Anyway, you must have heard of the “All I want for Chrsitmas” post. This comes up on the 20th of December and TSC is playing Santa. Here’s how it works: Just follow us @TheSarcasticCtr and DM what YOU want as a Christmas gift and WHO you want it from (name, handle or nickname) We shall put it up on the blog and hopefully, the target ‘audience’ will get to see it when you ‘mistakenly’ force him/her to view the post. So keep the DMs coming guys. Cheers.

Cinder-Ella

And so it came to pass in the year of our Good King WhatsHisFace the 3rd that there lived in the suburbs a young lassie by the name of Emannuellachukwudili Odimma Ekanem, first and only daughter of the late Emmanuel Chuckwuemeka Ekanem, the one whose back never touches the ground, and whose palm wine keg is always empty, also called Ella for short. This certain young lass Ella lived with her iniquitous step mother and her step sisters. Her step sisters were revolting to the sight and unpleasant to the eye. Ella was equally unpleasant to the eye, but not as flawed and defective looking as her sisters.

images (7)

Oh, I’m sorry…that’s not her

Oh there she is.. :)

Oh there she is.. 🙂

Proverb of the day: When one is confronted with two evils, one must take great care to elect for oneself the slighter of the two evils.

The two sisters and their equally hideous mother were mindful of the truth that Ella was fairer and more charming than their collective destinies combined, and so they determined in their hearts to ensure that her splendor was never exhibited in a common place.

So the relatively beautiful Ella was forced to sleep by the firewood, and the charcoal, in an attempt by her step-sisters to contract her complexion to a more shadowy tone. Being ignorant Igbo women (excuse the tautology), they had kept her in the dark, and so her skin remained unexposed to the harsh rays of the melanin inducing sun, keeping it fresh and yello as the men of the day desired.

And so it came to pass that on the 3rd full moon, the prince of the land, Prince WhatsHisFace the 4th returned from a far away trek he had previously embarked on in the quest for riches in the city as is the custom with all Igbo men.

images (5)

The prince returns

And the king threw a banquet such as had never been seen before in the land and invited people from far and wide to come celebrate the return of his dear beloved son. The invitations went as far as the neighboring villages. The invite read:

“You are cordially invited to the ceremony of the return of our beloved prince WhatsHisFace Biko the 4th who went to look for riches in the city but didn’t find.

Never mind that he’s broke, let’s spend the same money he didn’t get in his search on the fact that he returned.

There is no irony in this.

Ceremony comes at the next full moon.

Bring your palm wine kegs and they shall be filled.”

And it came to pass that when news of the banquet reached the ears of Ella’s step-sisters and their mother, they hastened to prepare for the feast. And bought for themselves garments of silk and lace and damask and fine linen and fussed day and night about how they were to woo the prince while frolicking and swaying in the moonlight.

And Ella sat in the darkness and listened to the tales of her sisters and wished in her heart that she could prepare for the dance.

I just want to be at this groove...why me oh? Chineke biko

I just want to be at this groove…why me oh? Chineke biko

And so it came to pass that by the next full moon, the town was agog with ballyhoo and fanfare and ample sounds of drums and xylophones, and the city prepared for the time of the feast. Visitors came from far and wide to see this prince who had been a failure in the big city yet came to the village to finish what was left of his father’s money. But nobody spoke a word of this to the King.

And Ella’s step-sisters were not left out of the excitement. They had chosen for themselves what they regarded to be the finest of the regalia they had purchased and painted their faces until their semblance was as unto that of Zorro, and even though they still looked like disaster and bad breath, they left their abode with high hopes of winning over the Prince’s heart.

Power...Enter!!!

Power…Enter!!!

And when they had far gone, Ella sat in the cellar and waited for her fairy godmother to come as it had happened in the fairy tale. But this is no fairy tale. For Ella’s fairy godmother did not show up as she had not finished pounding yam for her husband.

And Ella said unto herself, “my sisters still have plenty clothes remaining. Let me go and don for myself one of their apparel and also attempt to win the prince’s heart at the town square. And Ella did as she purposed in her heart and stole her sisters’ clothing and shoes and make-up and left for the town dance.

And by the time Ella lifted up her gaze to look upon the festivity, the dance had already begun in full swing, and so she swiftly joined in and gyrated her hips and twirled and pirouetted and swayed to the sounds and drums from the musicians.

Shake it Ella, Ella, Ey Ey..

Shake it Ella, Ella, Ey Ey..

And the prince fixed his countenance upon her and determined in his heart that he wanted her to himself. And the prince wafted through the crowd to communicate with Ella, and so they danced and danced together and the prince thought in his heart “It is requisite that I set this P.”

Oh yes, you're gonna get this D

Oh yes, you’re gonna get this D

2nd proverb of the day: One must never be seen in the open with one’s less handsome relatives for one must maintain his G status in the land.

And Ella observed her step sisters and their mother in an exodus from the merrymaking and so Ella appreciated that the time for her exit was nigh. And so she pulled away from the prince’s extended phallus and ran off into the night.

As a sharp Igbo boy, the prince chased her.

And it so happened that the ropes on Ella’s slippers were severed as she fled the scene and the Prince picked up the rubber slipper and determined in his heart to find the owner and gathered for himself a search party to find his fair maiden with the memorable etighi steps.

FIND HERRRRR

FIND HERRRRR

3rd proverb for the day: (I promise, this is the last one) If one is to look for the girl one found at the club, the criteria for the search should not be shoe size

And so the prince found exactly 876 maidens (for Igbo women have big feet) and 42 men (and one remarkable child with great feet) with exactly the same size of shoe as the maiden with whom he had danced with.

Such big feet y'all have

Such big feet y’all have

And Ella never came forth to claim responsibility, for her 15 minutes of fame was up.

And the prince grew old and died a lonely man.

And all this happened in the 6th year of the reign of our good King WhatsHisFace the 3rd.

I did not write the story. I simply told it as it should be.

Moral of the story: There is really no moral for this story. This entire post is a lie. Everyone knows there is no such thing as an Igbo woman. They are all men.

@Terdoh

******

So guys, Quick Information. As part of our Upcoming posts, TSC is organising an “All I want for Christmas” kind list. Here’s what you do: Follow us on Twitter @TheSarcasticCtr and then DM us what you want for Christmas and who you want it from (handle or nickname) This wish could range from his/her heart to a P session to tangible, realistic gifts. We shall then put up this list on the blog before Christmas (likely on the 20th)  and hopefully, you can get them to read, see and get your desire.

Let’s just call this our contribution to a Merry Christmas. Expecting those DMs now.