ServicE

Hey people, yes I know I’ve been MIA for a bit now, I really can’t be bothered to start explaining why. WHY? You’re still asking? Hian! At least, unlike most of the bloggers, I didn’t give a writing plan did i? did I say TSC will be posting as often…Lol..anyways, I’ll be back soon.

DISCLAIMER: This post was not lifted from any newspaper or magazine in Delta state or anywhere else for that matter. It was sent in by an anonymous source and has passed all security checks for plagiarism. It also does NOT contain the word ‘Pant.’ (Well, except once) Enjoy…

MAJOR DISCLAIMER: The post you are about to read is COMPLETELY FICTION. Any semblance to real life occurrences should be taken as coincidence. The story is in NO WAY related to anything that might have happened during my or anybody’s birthday. DO NOT think yourself smart and try to put two and two together. OYO o!!!
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He always wanted to see her. It didn’t matter the time of day, he knew he had to see her. She was such an innocent looking girl. The kind of girl he knew he wanted to be with. You know, the type you just want to take home to mama. He would visit her office, under the guise of visiting her boss; his good friend. He’d crack little jokes with her, making her laugh. He loved her dimples whenever she smiled and he made her smile very often. It wasn’t long after their first meeting that they started dating. She was a container full of knowledge and he loved hearing her speak as much as she liked listening to him. He wanted only for her to be happy and he did all he could by way of gifts and all the works. There was only one problem; she didn’t seem to be into him intimately. He believed she was a virgin, although she never said anything about that. He longed to taste her, leave her with sexual experiences worth remembering but each time he tried, she always resisted. As much as he wanted to share with her the pleasure of love making, he would rather wait till she was ready.

She knew he wanted to make love to her and she always wondered why she was reluctant, after all, she had ended her celibacy vow and if she was honest enough, she was itching for it; the cobwebs that were there would take a day and a half to clear out. She remembered the day she took her oath of celibacy and she chuckled. It was on her 24th birthday…. And speaking of birthdays, his was in 2 weeks and she hadn’t the slightest idea what to get him. Or wait! She did.

His day came sooner than expected. A day the celebrant forgot was his. They spent the mid morning and afternoon together. He was content with being with her. It was very different from the pomp and carnival that usually happened on his birthdays. He wished they would spend the whole day together. What he didn’t know was that she had a different plan. They had dinner together at his favorite Chinese restaurant and when they were done, she whispered, “Let’s go to my place.” He was shocked. “Are my dreams about to come true?” he wondered…

Driving to her place took the utmost concentration as his focus swung frequently from the road to the possibilities that lay ahead at her place. “She can’t be planning dinner because we’ve already eaten” or “could it be prayer sessions?” *HORN!!!* “You no go look where you dey go? Oloshi!” a man in a rickety 505 shouted at him.
They arrived at hers and he eased the car into the sidewalk and parked. She got out and led the way. Without words, she led him to her room and sat him on the chair. His mind did a 100-meter race at intervals that would give Bolt a run for his money, it was baffling that she wasn’t saying anything and he didn’t want to open his gob and say something that could totally ruin what might be a night of greatness.

She dropped her handbag on the sofa and trudged over to where he sat in slow, seductive steps, a naughty smile playing on her lips. It seemed the national anthem was playing nearby as his member begun to obey and stand at attention. Ah, his prayers were being answered, this was definitely no prayer session! Well, she would scream out the Lord’s name when he starts the ‘service’

She slowly stripped him of his clothing piece by piece, starting with his shirt. ‘Thank God I’m wearing a tee shirt.” He thought. She moved to his jeans, fumbling with his belt. Knowing how difficult it was to remove, he helped her and she slid his shorts (editors note: Not pant o) down his legs. He was naked and she was fully clothed. He shivered with excitement at the thought of what she’d do next. His lil’boy was nodding in agreement with her every move. She walked behind him and he felt a scarf over his eyes as she blindfolded him. He felt the metal on his wrists and shuddered a bit. ‘Honey, what’s going on?” she laughed at him.
“I’ve got a little surprise for you.” She traced a fingernail along his chest and pleasant desire shot through him. Her lips traveled, kissing every bit of his uncovered flesh. Finally, they found his nipples. She sucked on it as if her life depended on it, She teased him with her tongue, making him squirm. He moaned and groaned as her wicked fingers moved to his erection which was hard as week old Gala, she thought it would explode. He was throbbing and dripping ‘pre-cumgoo’ (editors note: LMAO!!! aka penile/vaginal juice as the case may be..I’m sorry, ignore me) she removed his blindfold, “I want you to watch me do this.” He wasn’t prepared for the lust that enveloped him when she took him in her mouth. OMG!!! Was this how Usher got his inspiration for the song? He thought as he wriggled on the chair. He was about to burst when she stopped and pulled out a condom. He was wondering what she was up to when she put it between her lips, lowering her mouth to him. Without touching him, she smoothed it all the way down his shaft.

She quickly let down the straps of her black dress and it slipped to the floor revealing a body that many desire, not photoshop perfect but sculpted excellently in the right places. She wasn’t wearing any panties or she had removed them at some point. He didn’t really care. Her lacy bra went to the floor next, revealing breasts firmer than the Law should allow. Round, bouncy mounds of pleasure. Damn these handcuffs!!!
Hands round his neck, she threw her legs across him and straddled. She buried him deep inside her, up and down she went, her head tilted back in pleasure as she ‘grinded,’ occasionally teasing at the tip, Tempo rising and falling at varying crescendos, fast, slow, fast, fast, fast, slooooow, roll it a bit, then…fast, fast…. Together, they reached a staggering peak before falling back to earth. “Oh God, I’m cumming!” she screamed as she came. He smiled. First service was over.

“Wow! I always thought you were a virgin.” He said, She gave a throaty laugh at that and winked. She removed the cuffs and went into the bathroom to have a shower. He went in and took the soap from her, rubbing it across her breasts. “You’ve got the most beautiful boobies” he whispered. His lips moved to her nipples as the water washed away the soap, his tongue circling and biting tenderly, till each peaked and became taut. He touched his lips to hers- one, they touched again- two and then he skillfully parted them open allowing his tongue access into her mouth. They both fought for buccal superiority while water from the shower soaked them in seeming blessing.
His fingers moved behind her torso, slightly parting her folds. Her clit was hard and he brushed a finger over it. He stroked her, sometimes fast, at other times, slow, easing his fingers in, exploring her depth. She thought she would burst and caught herself from screaming “take me now.”

He knelt at her feet like a man in worship, and put his mouth to her. He ate her out, drinking in her water. (editors note: aka vaginal juice noni..lol) Just when she thought her feet could hold no longer, he turned her back to him, bent her over and took her from behind. Thrust on Thrust on Thrust… “Oh God, she moaned as she felt her blood shoot up as they came a second time. “This is the best birthday gift boo.” He said as he lifted her over his shoulder and carried her out of the bathroom.

The third service was about to begin…

(Editors note: To be continued…or not 😀 )
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*Coughs* I know you all read the major disclaimer at the top so ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies..
I hope you enjoyed our fictional piece *coughs* Be informed that we shall resume with our other categories soon, outerviews and some new additions. Please if you have any interesting, FUNNY, pieces you wanna share, feel free to stop by at TSC.

Outerview posts also needed/ check our previous ones to get the idea. Send them to me at mrkelvinis@yahoo.com. Posts like this above are also welcome for our new section.

Pls also watch out for “THE WRITER” competition on TNC (The Naked Convos) which starts next week. I shall be making some frequent appearances there. Follow @thenakedconvos on Twitter for more on that. Ok, till I cum sorry come your way soon..it’s @Sirkastiq for the TSC crew 😀

Welcome

Welcome! Mere mortals…

He-he.

I’ve had someone tell me during a chat that I think too highly of myself, and I relate to people like they are mere mortals, like I am a god looking down upon them with kindness and compassion.

(Okay, maybe I tweaked that last part a little, but you get the picture)

I didn’t know how to respond to this. Are you not mere mortals?

*sigh* ™

I don’t know why I started a new blog like that. Totally irrelevant. But then, isn’t that why people open blogs? To write, to vent, to make people laugh, to set P (this is pure BS. I haven’t gotten laid from any blog)…all that.

Anyway, this is my new blog. You guys should take up jobs at bottling companies, cos y’all are pressure cans! Can’t a nigga take hiatus in peace? Y’all be tripping like Air hostesses.

A lot of you would like to know why I deleted the former blog. Well, cos I needed to.

End of story!

Don’t ask any JAMB questions in the comment section.

I know someone will still go “But what happened to the former blog? Why did you delete it?”

I will moderate your comment!

Bitch niggas be going [Quote] “I don’t know why he deleted the former one, when he knew he was going to open a new one. Attention seeker”. See? That’s why you a bitch nigga, bitch nigga.

‘Ssal I’m saying.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. *passes offering basket*

I will, however, apologize for not making a formal statement before deleting the former blog. I’m sorry. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Am I forgiven?

Not until I tell you why I deleted it?

Ha-ha! K.

Right now, I’m at work, and my colleague be looking at me funny. So don’t even think for a minute that I’m going to give you a long post today. You don’t pay me, yet. So for now, Imma just lay out a few policies for the new blog and be gone.

Purpose:
The blog is solely for laughter. It’s just jokes. I will not be accosted on the streets for the ramblings I put on here. I have gotten hate mail and death threats in DMs and e-mails talmbout “I know where you live nigga. Imma come find you. You’re dead meat for that shit you wrote”

K.

Please, if you can’t take a joke, don’t come here. Na beg I dey take beg oh.

Abeg.

I may also try to work on my story telling, but it’ll mostly be humour.

Frequency:

Uhm…how often will I be posting?

What you think this is? Daily Times? TNC? I am definitely not going to be posting every day. Nigga I got jobs and shit to do.

I might however attempt the 30 day challenge thing. I hear it brings chicks. It’s what most desperate bloggers like me turn to when all hope is lost.

Let’s just leave it at once a week. It’s hard to find inspiration these days.

Partnership:
Guest posts are ALWAYS WELCOME!
Just remember that I am the CEO of this here blog. Don’t get pissed when I refuse to post your shit. It’s just business bro. Nothing personal. Don’t now refuse to send me naked pics. -___-

Don’t take it personal oh. Some people are gangsta. Threaten to come and find me after dark. I pray every night before I sleep. Y’all can’t do shit.

*Quotes Psalm 91 verbatim*

Yeah. That will be all.

Disclaimer:
Really… really? Do I need to write a disclaimer? You people are too demanding.

*sigh*™

No homosexuals were hurt during the making of this post. (But the song “I don Blow” by Timaya was playing in the background while I worked, so I really can’t speak for all of them). There was less inspiration involved here than when I sit down to make pounded yam tweets. Feel free to take anything I said here to heart. All gbagauns are not mine, return them. The makers of this blog will not thank you for reading this shit, but I will.

Thank you for reading this shit, all 709 words of it.

Have a great day, and don’t forget to subscribe and spread the word.

StrucK!

“We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness…”

The above are the opening words of the American declaration of Independence written by Thomas Jefferson in 1776. The original manuscript written by Jefferson had the words “we hold these truths to be sacred and un-deniable” Benjamin Franklin would later change it to “…self evident” Truer words have never been spoken or written.
I know you can probably tell where i’m going with this piece considering the state of things in our nation but just stroll along with me, will ya? Actually, when i started writing this, i didn’t know where i was going; I just felt the urge to write. I’m not about to give my own take or analyse the whole situation of things in the country, lots of people have done that and are still doing that. I’m the guy that sits back and picks out the ‘lessons’ from stuff like this. Yeah, that’s why i’m here.

First of all, allow me point out the shame at knowing that there is not one quote of a Nigerian president, living or dead that causes any sort of inspiration to well up on my insides. As a matter of fact, i cannot for the life of me remember any speech that caused any emotion other than a hiss when it was done. Depending on the speech or speech-maker, i’ll either be generous with a short hiss or be expressive and give a long one. Our leaders cannot inspire you to even pretend to be inspired. Don’t they watch TV? Don’t they listen to the Obama’s of this world? The only chant that will ever elicit a response is the “GREATEST NIGERIAN PEOPLE!!!” Who says protest speeches have to start this way?

#LESSON ONE: Our leaders need to learn communication skills and FAST!

A lot of us watched Mr President read-recite his “after effect fuel subsidy” speech. The dude looked like he just came out of the toilet, was hypnotized and warned to keep a straight face. The teleprompter or whatever he was reading from was even wrongly placed making it all the more obvious that he was reading. And what was that rubbish ribbon he was wearing? Sigh…The speeches are never live so why doesn’t the negro take time to rehearse his pauses, pitches and body language? And if he is going to look so clueless, he might as well adopt our goggle wearing ex head of state’s style and spare us the torture..and why does he always have to look like an Easter egg wearing a cap? I should stop now.

After the protests and all broke out, notice the two Govt officials that flooded your Tv screens? Yup. NOI and SLS. Masters of the garb, Articulate and Intelligent people who can without effort bamboozle you into their corner. Haven’t you noticed that after listening to them, you end up thinking “they have a point o!” Those guys can convince an Eskimo to buy ice from them. Yup. Cool story. Even your president knows that he cannot face an audience so he has to send his best hands.

Moving on sha, the events of the new year have also somewhat shown the character of us Nigerians. Mehn, i didn’t know y’all knew so much politics and stuff! OMG! You guys are so intelligent! The sudden outburst of opinions got me wondering where all this knowledge was previously stored. Could it be in the same brains or did the New Year come with a new brain upgrade. Oh! Or was that on your Xmas list? Its note worthy too that some words have all of a sudden being added to our vocabulary. Even those of us who have a non-existent relationship with the English Language today know or at least use the words “Palliative, Cabal, Cartel, Subsidy, Deregulation” etc. Don’t lie, you didn’t know what some or all of these meant up until recently. Some of you still don’t know, its ok, ask someone close to you..done that? Good Good.

#LESSON TWO: Its never too late to learn a new word and improve vocabulary.

The strike of course brought about the daily protests and if you reside in Nigeria, you automatically belonged to one center or the other depending on what state you reside in. For those of us in Lagos, two centers exist: the Ojota center and the Falomo center. You see, those people were not wrong when they said “Nigerians are the happiest people in the world.” How else would you explain a nation going through hard policy changes and terrorist threats still dancing to the music of Ras Kimono? I mean WHO still dances to Ras Kimono? I was present at Ojota and was shocked to the marrows when i heard Mr Kimono perform. I’m like where the heck did they resurrect him from? Of course you’ve gotta respect the genius of the organisers of “OjotaUnplugged” They realised that a way of keeping the crowd entertained was to provide music, LIVE MUSIC! Trust me, it wasn’t fun listening to some of the speakers (refer to lesson one) so the music was a welcome development. Heck! You don’t get to listen to Femi Kuti and eldee perform free everyday.
On the other side of town, across the Third mainland bridge, residents there who couldn’t make it to Ojota quickly organised their own “FalomoPlugged” This had in attendance BankyW, Waje, Omawunmi etc…

See, you think this strike isn’t a good thing? Go and ask Eedris how he felt performing in front of thousands of people. When last did Eedris have a 20 man audience (apart from his Kennis people), Niegro put all he had into his performance and even took a swipe at D’banj. I get confused nowadays if Eedris isn’t in the wrong profession. He had always looked like a boxer to me (with the towel thing), he proved it when he squared up with 50 cents back in the day and he erased all my doubts when he reportedly knocked Jaywon into a coma…Eedris might just be the one to send Bash Ali into final retirement and take his place (its never too late)

#LESSON 3: emm…i don’t really know what the lesson here is. It could be: seize the opportunity, make the most of bad situations, i don’t know jare!

In conclusion though, this strike is a basterd sha. As i type this, i have more money in my phone than in my pocket, wallet and drawers combined. I think i have N175 credit and N10 cash. Where’s that N10 sef? GEJ and his cohorts need to get their shit together cos this isn’t even funny no more. I’m seriously resisting the urge to go all political and philosophical cos i intend for this to be a relaxing post. You don’t even want to know how he’s creating bad blood between me and my hitherto love; Indomie. Let me not even mention the fact that thanks to the oponu, i haven’t *cough* *cough* this year. My people, it is well. I leave you with a quote that should stir up something (not hunger or a hard on) within you…

“It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope and this, meeting million other ripples of energy and daring build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”
Robert F. Kennedy

Jan 2nd

Hi there,

I should probably say “Happy New Year” bearing in mind that this is the first time you would be visiting and reading TSC this year. It really won’t have mattered because there might not have been anything to read on TSC this year. I know you don’t understand it yet, i intend to help you.
This is going to be one of my straight-faced posts and i don’t expect to elicit any sort of humorous response. Its one of those “i never even thought i would write something like this” posts. Ah well, as i write this, i’ve just finished taking a cold bath and i realise that a cold bath is one of the luxuries that we have that we mostly do not realise. I am also breathing through my nose and seeing with my eyes. While these might seem to you like obvious occurrences, they have become more explicit and worth being thankful for.

The date was January 2nd and I almost died.

Started off as not so much an ordinary day seeing as our dear Govt had removed fuel subsidy, Boko Haram were threatening left, right and center, cab fares were hiked, pump prices were up, it seemed like it wanted to rain, it definitely wasn’t an ordinary day. However, nothing prepared me for what lay ahead of me.

After spending the New Year holidays with my dad and the whole family, i proceeded back to my normal abode, however, some friends had planned a little get together beach party which i had agreed to and did attend.

Got to the beach with my friend Wole and we met up with Efe. We were later joined by Tokunbo, Jolaade, Pemi , Chichi and Deola. Everyone just wanted to have a good time and we set about doing just that. We posed for pictures and clicked away without a care in the world. We shared smiles that the govt could not take away from us. We were in a place of no limits and we just “let our hair down” and allowed the breeze take away the worries that city life comes with. We played with the water and allowed it wash our feet, seemingly massaging us and taking with it our toil. Myself, Tokunbo, Chichi and Deola locked hands and waited for the next flow of water that would come our way. Deola had earlier cited her inability to swim, we were at a ‘safe’ distance so no biggie…but the way these things happen…*sigh*™

What we saw next was a large wave coming our way, we turned to move and then Deola lost her footing. Tokunbo and Chichi (had somehow been detached from us). Deola falling to the ground had a ripple effect because my arm was linked to hers. I lost my footing as well and fell. This wasn’t so bad cos we were seemingly still ashore. I tried to get up and then i saw it almost immediately, A BIGGER WAVE! In what was a split second, i saw deola struggle to get up and then WHOOSH!!! The wave had carried us both. There, i had my first experience of what Jack must have felt (without the ice cold conditions) while submerged underwater.

Please note, i do not consider myself a good swimmer though i successfully completed my swimming classes.

In the seconds that passed, i remembered deola and somehow managed to find her hand underwater and i held on to it, the waves tossed and turned us and in that time, I suddenly thought to myself “This is it, On the second day of January, After all the New Year prayers?” You’ve gotta be kidding me. I wasn’t in control of my body, i couldn’t even adjust to normal swimming position, i was just being tumbled all around. Let me help you understand, It felt like my hands were cuffed together behind my back and I was asked pick my teeth…Almost Impossible!

In those seconds, nothing mattered, not the Fuel subsidy that I had ranted about on Twitter, not the money or lack of in my bank account. NOTHING! My only thought was how do i open my mouth and utter a prayer underwater?

Then i don’t know how it happened but there seemed to be another powerful wave that came because the next thing i saw was the shore. It had washed us BACK. And i was still holding on to Deola’s hand. I can’t say how many seconds all these happened but i know it was enough to kill a person but who is he that decrees a thing and it come to pass when the Lord hasn’t allowed it? I stumbled out of the water, i had lost my slippers, my wallet had somehow stayed in my pocket and i had earlier put my phones in Toks bag. I looked at the people around and just smiled #LikeAbawse. In reality though, i was terribly shaken. I walked away from the water to LAND far far away muttering “Thank you Jesus” as i strode along. Of course i was soaked and sand filled but those were the least of my worries. That i could see, hear and touch people felt so good. I looked at Deola and i could see the fear in her eyes, i was afraid too. Yes we had just been saved from certain death. Deola said she was thinking of her mum cos apparently her mum had said she shouldn’t come. That made me think of my family. How would they know? Who would tell them? But God saw all this and stopped it from happening.

Funny part is, the party started and some would never have guessed what had happened except you looked at our hair and could see the sand, oh! The wet clothes too. We still had a great time. Thanks, Tula, Sheriph, Dania, Sawyerr, Izien, Victor and all mentioned above. We shall not die but live to declare God’s goodness in the land of the living.

To Deola, I didn’t save your life..Nah! That was 100 percent God. I had nothing to do with it. Give Him all the thanks.

I didn’t write this for the heck of it, i did because I need to be able to see this at the times i’m missing it and realise that God really does Love me. This post is proof of that love. My friend Victor said “You and these Near Death Experiences sef and i stopped and realised tha this was yet another intervention of God in my life. On my way home, i asked myself why? Why does God keep bringing me out of these situations? What is His plan for or with me? While i don’t have the answers, i definitely know that there is a plan somewhere and a role i have to play.

Its early in the year guys, you have your goals and all those fancy stuff laid out. Allow me say that its only the living that can enjoy such. If your time runs out now or something happens as was almost the case today, would you have that last chance to repent or say a prayer? Would there even be time for that? Like HIV, its best you know your status today. I think this was just a reminder to me that God’s still got me. Things haven’t gone as i wished they would but He’s still got me.

Lord Jesus, I’m thankful.

If i was born as a cat with 9 lives, I have 6 left…