Diss-Course

Sirkastiq: Yo Cumical. What’s up? There hasn’t been anything on TSC in a decade.
Cumical: Don’t look at me like it’s my fault. You haven’t given us anything.
Sirkastiq: Such a buck passer. Anyway, I’ve been thinking …
Grey: That’s dangerous.
Sirkastiq: And I had this brilliant idea of a diss post.
Cumical: You think because you thought of it, it’s brilliant right?
Sirkastiq: Of course.
Cumical: You make me sick. So what was the idea?
Sirkastiq: Well, it is kinda easy. And interactive…
Grey: We really don’t have all day Port Man.
Cumical: Good one. So what’s the plan Saka?

Sirkastiq: Well, we ask the audience to give us the best diss one liners they have.
Cumical: Sounds like a great idea.
Grey: Only original stuff of course. No googled shit.
Sirkastiq: So which of you wants to go first?
Cumical: Hey, your mamma’s so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared from plain sight.
Grey: That’s a terrible one Cumical.
Cumical: Your mamma’s so fat she.
Sirkastiq: My mamma can’t be fat and skinny at the same time you idiot.
Cumical: You didn’t let me finish.
Sirkastiq: Shut up Kanye. Your mamma is so ugly, she broke all the mirrors in that JT video just by watching it.
Grey: Oh. My. God.
Sirkastiq: See how it’s done?
Cumical: You didn’t have to go there man
Sirkastiq: No hard feelings. Grey?
Grey: I like you guys. People say I have no taste in friends but I like you guys.
Cumical: Wait.
Sirkastiq: Screw you man.

Grey: Insulting your friends, enemies and family can be fun.
Cumical: especially when you don’t use common insult lines like “You’re crazy or You’re a bastard”
Grey: But sometimes the fun is maximized when you use those common insults then add more adjectives pertaining to your opponent (which may or may not be true) to the basic diss phrases. E.g. “You’re crazy” = Basic. “You’re single, broke and crazy” = Painful. Especially if it’s true.
Sirkastiq: Hell hath no fury like a broke and crazy person who already knows but is being reminded.
Cumical: IT. CAN. PAIN.

Grey: Now, when you add adverbs to show the degree of the adjectives which qualify the basic insult? It’s like setting fire to the rain and making your opponent dance in it. E.g. “You’re helplessly single, hopelessly broke, and irreparably crazy”
Cumical: Don’t do this to anyone who hasn’t mortally offended you though.
Grey: Bants a’ make her dance bruv. Bants are make her dance. But Bants a’ make her twerk when you combine the most common of all insults into simplistic one liners. Hence, where “You’re crazy or You’re a bastard” are common phrases and may not be painful? “You’re a crazy bastard” is a 2 hit Combo. #Science
Sirkastiq: “You’re a Single, crazy bastard” 3 hit combo
Cumical: “You’re a Single, broke, crazy bastard” 4 hit
Grey: Exactly. Then you can add the whole ngwo-ngwo. The adjectives, the adverbs and the combinations into one sweet compound-complex sentence structure.
Sirkastiq, Cumical & Grey: “You’re a helplessly single, hopelessly broke and irreparably crazy bastard”
Cumical: HAAAAAAAAAYYYY.
Grey: That’s not a compound-complex sentence though. Said it was for the purposes of exaggeration and emphasis.

Sirkastiq: True man, I personally enjoy exaggerating my insults the way your humor is.
Cumical: Wait.
Grey: Yup, he just said you have the laughter inducing level of 5 day old sliced bread
Cumical: No No No, you missed the point. Exaggerating? … Like your humor? Get it?
Grey: HAAAAAAAAAAYYY MY GOD
Sirkastiq: Guys, Guys, no fighting here.we’re here for the people remember? So yeah , where were we?
Right, while Insulting people, listen or read the words they say and turn it against them. This helps make them look stupid
Grey: Um..how do YOU read the words they say though?
Cumical: hahahahaha BOOYAH!!!
Sirkastiq: UGH!!!

Cumical: Interrupting people helps knock them off balance and picking holes in their insults gives you the upper hand. Remember to be calm and do not shout as this gives you the look of a man in charge..
Grey: which is something you naturally don’t have bro.
Sirkastiq: #KIRIKATAAAA
Grey: haha, I’m killing y’all like I’m dropping ice bars. Anyway, you don’t always have to swear to have the upper hand while insulting
Cumical: Fuck you!
Grey: Look at that, so bitter
Sirkastiq: #NoLemon

Grey: Take hold of a normal thing and blow it out of proportion like: “something something . I’ll let you think on that but you’ll end up hurting your already absent brain cells”
Cumical: Dear God. That’s a hit straight to the groin
Sirkastiq: But you won’t know anything about that now will you. pussy
Cumical: Wait.
Grey: Anyway, at least now the readers know how it’s done. Can you give us your best one liner diss? Hit as hard as you can.
Cumical: Use the comment box, GO!!!

PS: We’ll give out One Lagos Monopoly Set to the person who comes up with the BEST insult (as judged by 3 of us) No Googled shit please.

D.P.M.O

Yo guys,

Always a pleasure to have you guys on here. Look ehn, I’m not even going to pretend like I have a planned out post for you guys. My brain has taken a forceful break and I can’t seem to kick-start it. Anyway, I was reading through realbuzz magazine the other day and came across an article listing 7 things guys dislike that girls do and vice versa. I think I’m going to just list them out here and leave the stage for you guys to agree, disagree and more importantly add yours to the list.

Let’s start with the guys:

Things guys do that annoy girls:

Annoying male habit 1: Adjusting our private parts: I can’t even explain the origin of this ancient technique nor state why some of us men enjoy handling our member especially in public. Maybe it’s for security purposes; you know checking to see that no one has stolen your organ while you’re standing at the bus stop? The first person to do this must have been igbo tho…um yeah.

tumblr_lvzidi55eM1qbzq5no1_500

Annoying male habit 2: Selective hearing: You know how we can ignore everything people say that does not have the words “food” and “sex” in it? Yeah that. Ladies hate it when we don’t listen. Just look, their face changes from original to something resembling the hulk

Annoying male habit 3: Leaving a trail of mess: we are men duhhhhh. Growing up, our parents made up clean up every mess, we went to schools that made us pick pieces of dirt, Now we are in our own house, can we be allowed to leave it as messy as we like? Meanwhile, its not messy if we know where everything is. We like our mess.

Annoying male habit 4: Leaving the remnants of our shaving session in the sink. So a sink is not a bathroom dustbin? My bad

download

Annoying male habit 5: Man flu: hahahaha…Guys, you know that thing we do when we have “a cold” and we start shivering and lie in bed all day? You know we’re really not that sick, we are just craving hot peppersoup and some TLC. Ladies hate that because I mean, they have 9 months of pain and we are here forming dying over small constipation

Annoying male habit 6: Spending all our money on technical stuff. Lady thought process: “Why is he buying the S4 when he still has an S3? Why is he buying an LED Screen when he has an LCD?” What ladies want: “Give us that money so we can go shopping with it”

Annoying male habit 7: Leaving the toilet seat up: The troublesome toilet seat; who would have known it could cause such a fuss? Indeed, no list of men’s annoying habits is complete without the classic toilet seat argument. I don’t even understand why this is a problem. If we leave the seat down, they will complain, if we leave it up they still complain. Sometimes this is why guys find the nearest bush or street corner to dispose of their liquids. Someone should tell these ladies that a toilet seat has never killed anyone, so they should chill.

images (2)

Now let’s study these women and their OMG annoying habits:

Annoying female habit 1: Making an anniversary out of everything: “OMG did you know that today is the anniversary for our two years and seventeen days together as a couple? It’s the anniversary of our DSTVs first signal loss, let’s exchange gifts and pop champagne”. Dear God…

Annoying female habit 2: Piling the bed with cushions: Most times I don’t understand if the bed is for rest or location for fancy throw pillows and cushions. What are these things and why are they taking up all the space? I actually can sleep with just ONE pillow thank you.

Annoying female habit 3: Asking us what we’re thinking: This question is a trick question because what she’s really asking is: “Are you thinking about me right now?” If you say nothing, she’ll get hurt and say you don’t wanna share with her. If you tell her you’re thinking of how to afford the new S4, she’ll ask “am I boring you?” It’s a no-win situation. You need God’s grace

images (3)

Annoying female habit 4: Saying ‘I’m fine’, when you’re not happy: I think in some parallel universe, men are mind readers because I don’t understand why we are expected to decode the exact problems from this statement. Then she’ll give you the look that says “so you’re really going to believe I’m fine and not prod further?” See ehn, these women are a problem

Annoying female habit 5:  Using sex as a weapon: Women that do this are the devil. I mean we had an argument and then you go retrieve your pum padlock and lock it up? You don’t see us go hide all our drinks when we get angry. We do not carry the TV out of the house when we are vexed. Why mess with our basic needs so?

download (1)

Annoying female habit 6: Being over-emotional: Olivia Pope is on the screen crying (abi laughing same facial expression anyway) and you’re crying, Rihanna is smoking in her video and you’re crying, You’re tweeting and YOU. ARE. CRYING. Please how the hell are we supposed to know when you are in real pain? I mean…

Annoying female habit 7: Incessant talking: Records show that women say a total of at least 20,000 words in a day while men have 7,000. This is because we do other useful shit like play FIFA 13. It’s ok for a woman to talk, I mean, use 19,800 of your words with your friends, we will manage 200. And please pick the right times to speak not while Wayne Rooney is through on goal.

 

Piss Off

 

Do you agree guys/girls? Did I leave anything out? Please feel free to add it via the comment section, Cheers