Hello…

No I’m not going to answer, so I’m just going to continue ignoring her and go straight to the post we have. If she does contact you, please just tell her – no I don’t want to meet to go over anything and yes I’m still in Nigeria where nothing happens.

Now you people think that most of the mad people are out on the streets. It’s actually a lie. The one that wrote this for instance – confirmed looney. But then again, so are the rest of us on the team.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Caitlyns and Wendy Williamses, welcome back @TheGreyGenesis

*******

*Pastor dances onto Altar while choir chants Hosanna*

Pastor: Praaaaaaise the Lord! It’s testimony time. With me on the altar today is Brother Chidi. Bro Chidi, please share what the Lord has done for you with us today.

Bro Chidi: Prai -Prai – Praaaaaaise the Lord!

Pastor remember when you asked us to see the positive sides of dreams and believe with all of our hearts that they would come to pass?

Pastor: Uhm, I think so… yes. go on.

Bro Chidi: Well Pastor, I’ve realised that truly, when the Lord is about to bless you tremendously, it will come as a dream.

Pastor: Yes, yes. When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, they were as those who dreamed! Go on Bro, Go on!

Bro Chidi: Pastor at the beginning, I had no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life, no—

Pastor: errr… *chuckles nervously* But then the Lord came to your aid?

Bro Chidi: well, then one day on my way to Church, I received a phone call. It was one of the most profitable international huuuuge ICT companies I had applied to work with for years with no results…

Pastor: (sensing miraculous punchline coming) SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAAAAY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!

Pastor: Go on brother Chidi.

Bro Chidi: Well, they were only calling to let me know that not only was I unqualified for the job, but that I wasn’t the type of person their Company would ever hire. Ever.

Pastor: It is well o.

Bro Chidi: Yes Pastor. So there I was, dejected and feeling depressed after the call. Then a thought hit me. I realised I recognised the voice of the company’s call‎er. Sounded like the voice of Uche, an old University mate from waaaaay back. So I impulsively dialled the number back. ‎To my surprise it was him. He was so happy to hear from me when I reintroduced myself. He only knew me as ‘Chidoski the Lowski’ back in school. Uche was now the Vice President of the company’s HR Department. In summary Pastor, after meeting up with Uche a week later, I explained my plight to him, and he promptly approved the position for me. Pastor, I received my appointment letter as a P.R ambassador to this multibillion $ company. Complete with 6 figure salary, a brand new apartment in Lekki, and a brand new Range Rover Sports as bonus package!

*Congregation goes Berserk*

*Pastor rolls around on Altar in celebration*

*Choir screams lyrics of I have seen the downfall of Satan*

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT I AM NEXT IN LIIIIIIINE!!!

*Congregation screams*

Pastor: Glorayyyy!!! See the bless–

Bro Chidi: I’m not done sir, there’s more.

Pastor: There’s more? Wow

Bro Chidi: Some months after I started working there, I met the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen in my life. And we started dating…

Pastor and Congregation: Oh yeah?

AHHH OSHEYYYY

AHHH OSHEYYYY

Bro Chidi: Then we started courting…

Pastor and Congregation: yeah?

‎Bro Chidi: (abashed grin) Did I forget to mention she’s the only daughter of the Company’s CEO.

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAYYYY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!!!

Bro Chidi:‎ A year later, we relocated to the United States where I was made the GM of our large unit there.

Pastor: *jumps on Bro Chidi in bear hug* GLORAAAAY!!!

Bro Chidi: Then we got married. Another year later, my wife gave birth to a set of twins. Beautiful boy and girl!

Pastor: (In call and response sing-song voice) I. AM. NEXT IN LINE!

Congregation: IAMNEXTINLIIIIIINE!!!

Pastor: JUST LIKE BROTHER CHIDOSKI…

Congregation: JUSTLIKEBROTHERCHIDOOOOOOSKI!!!

Pastor: THE LOWSKI‎…

Congregation: THELOWSKI

Pastor: WHOM THE HOLY GHOSTY

Congregation: WHOXGVQXZPGKQQQJPVZ

Pastor: HAS MADE HIGHSKI…

*Ushers rush on Altar and lift Brother Chidi to their shoulders and start dancing*

‎*choir begins Kpoyommemma praise and worship song*

*Congregation goes Apeshit for 15 minutes STRAIGHT*

Pastor: Now let’s calm down. Calm down as Brother Chidi concludes his AMAZING testimony!

Bro Chidi: ‎Yes Pastor, thank you Pastor. Soooooooo, these are all the things the Lord did for me in the dream.

*Church goes Deathly quiet*

Pastor: wait, wait, whaaaaaaa-?

Bro Chidi: I slept yesterday with no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life but the Lord gave me this wonderful dream and I woke up this morning still in the same state but now I’m feeling hopeful. I just know my dream can come true.

Pastor: *clutches chest* So all that money? The Tith… The company? They’re not real—

Bro Chidi‎: It was all a dream Pastor. It was all a dream ‎.

IS THIS ONE NOT MAD LIKE THIS?

THE END.

NO SERIOUSLY, IT’S THE END

FOR REAL.

THE END.

******

The most annoying thing of Grey’s stories is how he keeps you wanting more. Like you get to the end and you want to turn the ‘page’ over, or flip to side B,but nah, you’ve gotta come back next time. Have you had such a dreamy experience? Something you know will happen soon but people think you’re just foo…sorry gotta run, the boo (Rihanna is calling me)

Seize The Bloody Bae!!!

Hello guys,

It’s been a pretty long time I’ve been here and like I said in the last post, it’s as a result of a myriad of factors. Unlike in time past, we want to ensure that we actually write stuff when there’s stuff to write about. That whole pressure of writing because we’re expected to cannot work abeg.

Best to have quality than trash quantity. (I actually believe that one day, somebody will do a small pamphlet of these my gem quotes”

“Best to have quality than trash quantity” – @Sirkastiq 2015

Today, I want to ‘talk’ about the latest fashion fad amongst us. If you look down the years, you’ll see how we’ve evolved from the days we rocked Moschino and Sean Johns, from the days of Nautica and FUBU, from the days when wearing baggy jeans meant we were really cool and rich. (Compare that to these days where fully grown, human men wear jeans skinnier than their fingers).

Life is funny uno, there was a time when our struggle was what we would score in JAMB and then after failing the first one, it shifted to “how much do I pay this guy to get me correct expo to pass?” Later it became “God, I beg I don’t want to carry-over, I can’t spill” to “Should I update my CV on jobberman, is it good enough?” As we go forward in life, our worries keep changing.

The most recent one for a lot of us is “When will I find boo/bae?” or in some cases “When will boo/bae find me?”

Listen, many people will hit you with the “God’s time is the best” and “don’t rush into a relationship” but my friend, YOU BETTER RUSH!!! Time still waits for man. Time doesn’t even have time so if you like sit down there and be expecting.

stb

The mandate was clear. it’s almost year end. Evaluate your life, why have you been dulling? Need someone to help you realize why you need to get up off your ass, go out there and seize the fucking bae?!

Here’s reasons – you’re welcome!

  1. Your eggs will soon expire/your sperm will soon become powder: Yup! Be there forming waiting for the right time, meanwhile inside your body, your reproductory materials are nearing expiry date.
  2. sperm-cartoonDon’t you want to appear on Bella Weddings? : Is it not your mates that share their “inspiring” stories on BN? Why should your own be different? You’re there waiting, shey it’s until BN is no longer in existence that you will now find bae? If you know what’s good for you, better agree for that guy in your DMs.
  3. Ring will soon finish in the market: Rings are getting scarce in the market, every Ahmed, Tunbosun and Chidera have bought rings even though they have no one to give it to. The economy dictates you purchase these items before scarcity hits. What? They don’t know the size of your finger? How is that the problem? Please focus on the ring and wear it round your neck when they give it to you.
  4. Shoki, Shakitibobo and nae nae will soon go out of fashion. Can you imagine your wedding where you can’t bust the shoki you’ve been learning for months? So you won’t hang one leg in the air while giving them shakitibobo? Let me tell you – better maximize the fact that these songs/dance steps are still relevant. Now is the appointed time.
  5. See how you’ve been seeing cute babies all around you and you’re like “OMG, I WANT!!!” How are you going to get? You think you can become the next Angelina Jolie? My friend, don’t be stupid. Say yes to that man now
  1. Price of visa and ticket is now high. To go to turkey, UK, USA and all those places is long and expensive. With a bae that is ready and willing, you solve that problem and get to visit all these places on someone else’ tab. Why try to save so much when you can just find a willing account number? You people don’t pay me enough for all this wisdom.

I know the alliance of online feminists are probably reading this like “why is he seemingly referring to women? Why aren’t the men the hunted ones?” see, I’m not about to offend you people and your association. I’m a man and it’s only somewhat understandable that I write from this viewpoint. Don’t be offended, just go and seize the bae. The year is almost over, it’s like you want to be by yourself at Christmas and on Vals day. Ok o. you think you’re doing me? You’re doing yourself.

Let’s read your successful ‘seize the bae’ stories…or plans.  Embrace the comment section