Presidential Speech

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know who wrote this. Ehen!
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My Fellow Nigerians,

I have read with deep surprise the reports on various matters affecting our nation. I have also been briefed by my aides on the uproar caused by these events. Let me assure you that I am fully aware of all that is going on. The truth is you people will not even allow somebody to rest. You actually think I left the comfort of my home in Bayelsa to come to Abuja and be daily bombarded with problems? Is that how you people were raised, what manner of home training do you have? But it’s ok, I am aware.

Every morning, i wake up, sometimes I brush my teeth, other times, I just grab a drink and I’m good to go. But there is no day when I don’t have the issues of the country on my mind. You people will just think that because I look like a mix of confusion and imbecility I’m clueless. Haven’t you heard that the lion that wants to strike doesn’t change its facial expression?

A lot of concern has been raised over security in our nation, permit me to say I have it under control. Whether you permit me or not, I’ll say it, afterall, I A. belle John remain the President of this nation. I was watching the news the other day and I saw news about the abduction of some girls from their school. It was reported that the school was infiltrated (see the big word I used there?) by unknown men and over 200 girls were taken. The truth is this happens everyday. I remember when I was deputy governor that time, we used to send our aides to the universities and they return with sometimes 50, sometimes 100 girls. I’m just wondering who the man must be that has the capacity to move 200 at once. I mean, what kind of party is he about to have? Can he even handle 200? As bad as I am, my record is like 50, but that one time when Igbins was around, I think we did like 80.

My fellow Nigerians, My attention was drawn to the social media, I think they call it twitter and I saw you people talking about #BringBackOurGirls This is why I brought facebook to Nigeria because I didn’t quite understand. Hold on, I have a call…

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I just spoke to my SA on Media matters, Robin Agbaya and he asks me to ignore all the things you people are saying there.  What do you people want me to say sef? Who exactly are we asking to bring back the girls? I have learned over time not to involve myself in matters that don’t concern me so yes. Some have raised eyebrows to the reports of my trip to Ibadan after the Nyanya blast. What is really wrong with you people? I cancelled my trip and was back in Abuja on the day of the blast, Didn’t you people see me in deep thought pondering the state of matters? DO YOU KNOW HOW QUICK I HAD TO PERFECT THAT POSE? You people don’t even know my story.

Yes, I went back to Ibadan the day after. The Olabadan was turning 100. Is it everyday somebody turns 100? Do you know how much he gave to my campaign? Do you know how many votes he was able to get for me? You people will just wake up and be talking anyhow because of freedom of speech. Don’t come and put san-san inside my garri pls. Me miss out on that amala just like that? you people play too much.

Fellow Nigerians, I had my media chat some days ago and let me just explain some of my statements because it’s like you people are not as smart as I am. Someone asked a question on corruption and i said “The word corruption is over used, even a common thief is now called corrupt”What did I say that is French now? Is every thief corrupt? was Robin Hood corrupt? Was he not stealing for the good of the people? When you take meat from your mother’s pot, does that make you corrupt or hungry? Ehen. I was further questioned on the Missing oil money, Like I said, is it today that money started missing in Nigeria? Is it in my regime that oil money started to dissapear, Then i said  “$20Billion is a lot of money, where will you hide it that people will not know?. America will know and will tell you where it is”.  Shebi America knows everything? Is it wrong to tell the truth again?

Lastly, someone asked about the petroleum minister’s restraining order. Look, I stand by my words ” I am not aware that the Minister of petroleum has gone to court to stop investigation”. Maybe someone went on her behalf o, I don’t know, Maybe she went to suspend the investigation o, I don’t know, But you people should leave me and dezi dezi in peace. In fact, we need to go to Brazil to represent Nigeria at the World Cup. Yes.

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As I end this speech, let me use this medium to state here that I don’t know what patty smokes sometimes. I don’t know how she got herself on TV and so expertly embarassed my family and generations unborn. I watched that shit on NTA and I’m like who let the dog out? Sometimes I question my “till death do us part” vows because the woman is doing all she can to kill me. My God is bigger sha. It’s no wonder she’s named Patience. she’s taught me that. Fellow Nigerians, as I end this speech, let me leave you with the words of the Immortal philosopher 2face Idibia: “Nothin’ dey happen”

God bless the fedreal republic.

PDP 2015

The Nigga Fall Of Man

Hey yo yo…whatitdo yo? what-it-doooo? Oh I’m sorry. I’ll get out your hair in a teeny weeny bit. Sirkastiq here welcoming you to your favorite blog *side-eye TNC* and we’re gonna get straight to what we’re here for. Ok enjoy…

I have said, You are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.

Psalm 82:6

Or as we would like to say in the context of the post you are about to read:

I have holla’d, Yo ass is gods; n’ all of yo ass is lil pimpz of da most thugged-out High.

Disclaimer: This post has the tenacity to raise several religious concerns. Well, we don’t exactly expect anyone seek us for burning purposes but like take a chill pill and enjoy literary genius. This wasn’t written to spite anyone or belittle beliefs, we just um…allowed our mind wander. So yeah…

Or as we would like to say in the context of the post you are about to read:

Disclaimer: This post has tha tenacitizzle ta raise nuff muthafuckin religious concerns. Well, our phat asses don’t exactly expect mah playas seek our asses fo’ burnin purposes but like take a cold-ass lil chill pill n’ trip off literary  smart-ass . This wasn’t freestyled ta spite mah playas or belil beliefs, our laid-back asses just um…allowed our mind wander n’ shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So yeah…

Ladies and Gents… @Cumical

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In the beginning, there was darkness and all that evil shit. Before then, there was some sorta war and Angel Gabe and the rest whooped that bitch nigga Lucifer’s ass and sent him crashing down to earth like hoes panties. But we ain’t gon delve into that today, that shit don’t bring no offering.

Fast forward a couple millennia and one day, after doing some awesome stuff and creating entire planets from thin air, God looks at Himself in one of the heavenly mirrors and says “Whoa! I really am good looking”, so He says “Let us make man in our image”, and the angels started making man in His reflection in the mirror, but God was like “no dum dums, not that image.”

So God created man out of dirt and breathed into him the breath of life and he was all alive nshit.

And Adam was black cos he was made from soil, and you don’t see no white soil. Soil is brown dammit.

And then God told him “Look at all this, it’s yours. Do with it as you please”. And Adam acted a fucking fool! Adam turned up every night in the Garden of Eden. Understand that Adam didn’t have no clothes on or nothing. Now imagine a butt ass naked black man doing cartwheels and climbing trees nshit. God was so ashamed.

So God said “It is not good for man to be alone” cos the lil’ nigga needed a woman to keep him in check. Single niggas ain’t as mature as them niggas in functional relationships. So God put his black ass to sleep and took out one of his ribs and created a woman from it. And you know how much black men love their ribs.

God had it all planned out.

When Adam saw the woman, he was all in love nshit. He went from nigga to poet. Like “this is bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called Eve.” And I don’t know where he learnt English but he was suddenly all verse in the language and what not.

Then God wanted to test Adam’s loyalty, so he said “see that Apple tree? You ain’t allowed to enjoy the fruit that comes out of it. Aii? Cool. If you do, you die.”

And Adam was like “whoa!”

But Eve wasn’t even listening. Eve was prolly doing her nails or some shit. Or planning to hang out with the girls…

So Adam went back to doing his lil’ nigga shit but he had to tone it down a little cos he was a married man now. But a nigga gon be a nigga. However, he stopped calling the animals “nigga”, and “ma nigga” and had to give them actual names cos he couldn’t introduce Eve to the elephant and the mouse and be like “That’s big nigga, and that’s lil squeaky nigga”.

Meanwhile, Eve was busy doing whatever the heck bitches did back in the day. I dunno, prolly planning to take a diet from all that fatty tree food she had been having. You know how bitches do…

Now let me make it clear at this point, that Eve was neither fat or slim. Because to be fat, there had to be something/someone to compare you to, and Eve was the only woman on earth. Also, there was no such thing as a “wrong hole”, or a hymen. There was no pain, so Adam could stick it anywhere. And Adam didn’t have a big dick, or a little dick. Adam simply had a dick. There was nobody to compare him to, so Adam’s dick was just perfect. Until Cain and Abel came along and there was room for comparison, but we’ll get to that later.

Let’s not get shit twisted tho. Adam was packing. No homo. We know that Adam was a black man, so he had that shit covered nahmean?

Anyway, Eve was chilling in the Garden one Tuesday, wait…yeah, it was a Tuesday. And some snake crept up to her and was like “Pssst! Bitch, can I holler at you for a hot minute? Got sssssome shit I’d like to sssshow you”

And Eve was like “nah lil slimy nigga. I got a man. And my man has two jobs.”

And the snake knew she was lying cos everyone knew Adam had only one job. And the pay wasn’t much, but he got off work early. So the snake was like “Bitch pleassse. It’ll just be a minute. Lemme holler at you at the back of the club.”

So Eve gave in cos she had nothing better to do, being a jobless hoe and what not. And the snake took her to the center of the jungle and she saw the apple tree.

And Eve was like “Hey, I remember God saying some shit like we shouldn’t look at this tree or nothing, cos we was gon’ die.”

And again, the snake knew she was lying, cos God didn’t say nothing like that. And the snake was like, “well you looking at it, ain’t you? I don’t see you dying or nothing. So might as well enjoy this apple shit. Ain’t nothing wrong with a little experimenting.”

And the snake slid up to the top and plucked a white iPhone. And was like “This the new 5G. Go on, take a selfie.”

And you know how bitches love iPhones…

And selfies…

And Eve touched the screen, and saw that the iOS was good. And pleasant to the eye. And Eve took pictures of herself and uploaded on Instagram like “Chilling in the Garden with @Snake_The_Tricksta”. And you know she had no clothes on, so they were nudes and all, and nobody wants their wife posting half/full naked pictures on the internet. So we can all conclude that Eve was a hoe.

Then Adam came back from work early as usual and found Eve uploading a video of her twerking and Adam was like “oh no you didn’t!” And Eve took a black iPhone (cos a nigga with a white iPhone just look gay as fuck) and gave him and said “Go on, touch the screen”, and Adam was like “no bitch! No! Imma lose my job” and Eve was like “you gon lose this pussy if you don’t touch that damn screen”, and Adam had to choose between his awesome job with good working hours, and some pussy.

And Adam chose some pussy.

And Adam touched the screen and his eyes were opened, cos he saw some shit on the internet. And when God came to chill with Adam cos God was such a dope Boss, Adam had some questions.

And Adam was like “wus Good God? Okay, so I was thinking. The angels yeah, when they having sex, does the female angel ask the male to “pull my wings”?”

And God was like “wuuut?”

And God lowered His glasses and God saw that Adam was getting nudes on iMessage from Eve on his iPhone. And God knew that Adam had disobeyed Him. And God banished Adam and what not. And that’s how Adam fell.

Like hoes panties.

Moral of the goddamn service: if your hoe on instagram twerking and she got nudes or half naked pictures on the internet, you best leave while you got the chance. That hoe gon’ bring you and the whole of mankind down.

Pass the offering bowl.

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