All I Want For Christmas

Ho Ho Ho!!! Not you Miss Kardation. Yes, It’s Christmas in a matter of days and a lot of you are already in high spirits. Let’s not ignore the fact that some of y’all are always constantly high irrespective of the spirits you indulge in. so yeah. Anyway, as part of our contribution to the season and ensuring that the avid readers of TSC get a chance to experience the joy that comes with this time, we decided to do this.

We asked that you (dear reader) send in your Christmas wishes; These were collated and then forwarded to the North Pole for analysis and scrutiny. Santa said something about him needing to do some sort of Post UME type shit to decipher who’s been naughty or nice. What you’re about to see here is his response to the list sent, The words of the bearded one are in italics. Enjoy and please share with your intended. Beyond the responses, we sincerely hope that if you are mentioned here, you would be nice enough to make someone’s Christmas wish come to pass.

That’s what Christmas is about, right? Right.

Ok then

@So_eXclusiv3: All I want for Xmas is @sirkastiq & chocolate cake      -_-

So I went through your file and realized you have been quite a good girl this year. There were one or two instances; like that party where you allowed that boy push his member into your posterior like he was trying to rip your jeans with it. Such a dweeb, Isn’t that why it’s jeans? Smh. Anyway, do you want sirkastiq on the cake, in the cake, or the cake on him, in him, do you want him in your cake..oops! Send another wish for next year or then again..

@BiggieMonzie: I just want nice male stuff from @KingSweetiee

You know she’s female right? And by male stuff, what exactly do you mean? A shaving stick? ‘cos Igbo women be on that tip too these days. Ah well, King Sweetie, you ‘read’ the man

@MlleShafau: Dear Daddy, All I want for Christmas is a trip to Paris, a Lumia 900 and a Canon Rebel T4i. 🙂

First of all, Do you have daddy issues? ‘cos I dunno when/how I became your daddy. Yo ma an elf? No? Then I sure as hell didn’t do her. Now, you want a trip, a phone and a Camera. Dear Shafau, give me your daddy’s phone number.

@Mystiqqal: All I want for Christmas is a new blackberry (bold 4/6) and an ipod and I want it from Mr Sirkastiq 😀

Dear Mystiqqal, don’t you have a boyfriend? Is Mr. Sirkastiq your boyfriend? You are both suspect!

@hahishaa: From y’all at SarcasticCtr since I read all ur posts.. 🙂 Lagos Life London Living or Half of a yellow sun. Thanks in advance 😀

I think they should be able to make something happen. Atink? Guys? GUYS? *crickets*

@Ms_Veevy: I want a cake for Christmas. A cake that has John Mayer’s face on it. I want to eat him. Thank You.

Alright, so basically you want a munched picture of John Mayer on a cake..hold on a bit…

mayer

Don’t finish it all at once.

These TSC people are so awesome right? Yeah. Spread the word. 

@ehienabs: Ooooh I want a stuffed animal, preferably a dolphin, blue in color, I want it from @TheGreyGenesis

LOOOL…a dolphin? Is that what you call the ‘D’ now? You want it blue? Like blue balls? Well, Dammy over to you. Don’t Dull.

(How many assonances are in the above?) 80mks

@EdgothBoy: I want multiracial babies from @weird_oo

LOL! We said make wishes, not set P. What do you think this is? Match.com? We shall excuse your thirst. *scoffs* Multiracial kor. As two of una black reach?

@lucydiashi: Hi,my xmas wish is for someone to foot the bill 4 cervical cancer screening for 100 women @ our event ‘Red Cup Tins’.@ N1,000 per woman

*assumes serious stance* Anyone with me on this one? Can we get details/replies in the comment box?

@theOnlyUyai: Heyyyyy. I want a huge cake and a box of belgium chocolates from Rugo

Rugo, over to you. You heard the lady.

@W_CUB3 : The real,human pictures of Ke(L)vin @Sirkastiq and Dammy @TheGreyGenesis is all I ask for this Christmas.

We might as well just answer you here and now. Merry Christmas

You're welcome

You’re welcome

PS: Terdoh is holding the camera and Dammy is shooting. Hehe. Shooting…

@Nwanyii_Oma: I’ll love to have Cello 🙂 . Make it happen.

Cello? Like cello-tape? That shit costs 70 bucks max. Yo… Who has 70 naira? We don’t have change.

@MzOjeniyi: All I want for Christmas is a date with @thetoolsman x_x

*blows trumpet* This is not even a problem, You are going to be at TNC5 right? Make sure you’re there. Watch us perform the magic.

@DimiNeeKookie: Ehn ehn, all I want for christmas is small chops and suya delivered to SL1 8HJ, Thank you… Now how’s that for a humble christmas wish? 😀

SL1 8HJ? Is that a plate number? Where is…?What the…? Santa does not deliver presents to moving vans.

@Bellaifee: My Christmas wish is a long term one. I want to get admission to do my masters in Canada by September. Can Santa do that 4 me?

Of course Santa can do that for you. Do you have a laptop, Internet connection, a mouse? Fine, now go to Google  type in “Masters in Canada” Select school, click apply.

Now wait.

Merry Christmas.

@bluphoenixrebel: A Canon PowerShot SX260 HS digital camera won’t be bad at all- as I’m single this gift can come from anyone- the giver gets a prize too! :p

As you’re single, my dear you should be looking for boyfriend not Camera. Manage your BB or Iphone one and patronize Instagram filters. Merry Christmas.

@Psalmchelsz:  All I want for Christmas is an iPhone 5

Did you know the iPhone 5 costs over a hundred Gs? Seeing as you are a man, we cannot provide you with a boyfriend. (Right? Or do you swing low like a sweet chariot?) So, we shall get you a job.

The Sarcastic Center; Teaching a man to fish.

Merry Christmas bro.

@Mzz_Kemmie: I know I’m not supposed to ask for something silly, but what the hell….. All I want for christmas is Terdoh’s brain…..

What kind of…? Is this the Zombie apocalypse? Why do you want his brain? Wait. Is that…? Oh I get it! You want him to give you brain. Terdoh? Over to you.

@TosinOl: All I want 4 Christmas is @ thomasscrown home in Nigeria 🙂

Dear thomasscrown, you heard the lady! You’re needed in the motherland.

@Owggee: Even tho I’m practically computer illiterate, I want a NEW laptop for Christmas! Err… Dunno who I want it from, I’m not sure I care sef.

You don’t care who it is from? You don’t? This is why you young people don’t get gifts anymore. No laptop for you.

@ejayuru: I want a Sony vaio laptop.. cest tout…

What is the sudden craze for laptops? And Ejay, shouldn’t you be wishing for a husband this Christmas season? and who you calling a tout,  you black magic rip off who is not even close to the real blackmagic but …UGH!!

That’s one saucy santa yeah? wonder where all his Christmas cheer went. Well if the only ass I got all year was deer, I’d probably be pissed too. Let’s not even talk about the fact that he ‘comes’ once a year. Can you imagine storing up all that milky goodness to just come once and that’s it? You would be pissed too.

We hope that someone somewhere reads this post and is moved to make another someone’s wish come to pass. You know you can.

In the meantime the TSC crew will like to identify with @Ada_D_Body and @Madphury. We totally support  #ChristmasOnTheStreetz (Making Christmas fun for the displaced children and less privileged at Makoko) movement and might be making an appearance to show solidarity. You can learn more about it here You can also give towards the event via this account Name: Munachi Aniemena (acting accountant) Bank: UBA Acct No: 2059093752

Make it a memorable Christmas for someone. Thank you to all who sent in wishes. We hope they’ll come true.

Merry Christmas guys

@Sirkastiq for TSC

CucKoo

Christmas season is a fun season for many reasons. This is where you act like you didn’t notice my bars oh…keep reading. So yeah, while it’s a season for lots of merriment, we at TSC cannot help but give credit to whom it is due. It is completely appalling and heart breaking that the real martyrs of the season go without being celebrated. Ask the layman on the street what Christmas represents and he’s quick to tell you that we are celebrating the birth of Christ. If you ask some more people, one is sure going to say it’s about celebrating the death of Christ.

Please you can look directly at me, this isn’t class and I’m not about to ask you. Yes, it’s about that but there also is another that makes the season

Enjoy.

******

What is this life but a pot of boiling water and Maggi cubes. Seeing as that’s my eventual fate, I don’t think it’s quite the befitting end to what I expected. You would think that things would be a tad easy seeing as I don’t have to bother with the arduous, daily tasks of waking up early in the morning to brush my teeth and/or shower. Oh my bad! I do wake up early daily and that’s because that cock doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. Yes pun Intended. I’d call him a pussy but that would be glorifying basically.

What? You think I can’t say it to his face that he’s a cock? What do you take me for, a chicken? You are right either ways, I am a chicken.

I can’t exactly remember when I was born because you know, we don’t have calendars and shit. I was the product of a street romance though, Mother told me she was chased round Unity close at Ikeja and somewhere between Toyin st and Ikeja Under bridge, father caught up with her and proceeded to mount her while planting kisses on her neck. Meanwhile, you humans ain’t shit tho. How come dogs and bitches get a sex style named after them and we don’t? Or y’all wanna act like you haven’t seen the chicken style before? Fuckers!

That's papa and Mama getting down and durrrty

That’s papa and Mama getting down and durrrty

So yeah, there I was, conceived in glory, looking like a fly egg and shit when I was plopped out of mothers ass. Couldn’t find a better angled picture, but yeah, that’s me at birth.

Father took the picture...sigh

Father took the picture…sigh

Father didn’t exactly stay to be the breadwinner of the family as he could only manage to pick up few grains as days passed, Before mother could say “cock-a-doodle-doo” Father had stuck his pee-pee inside another chicken. At this point, it’s ok to wonder if you’ve ever seen cock penis. Oh Oh! You didn’t know cocks have cocks? What sort of ignorant igho are you? Where do you think the word cock came from? DPMO please.

The life of a chicken isn’t exactly an easy one. Daily running from un-cultured humans, drunk, stupid drivers and making sure we don’t stop in front of buka’s attempting to catch a breath. I mean, you guys get all loud about kidnappings and shit, you don’t hear us go all cuckoo when our brethren get napped. Walk into your nearest restaurant and what do you see? BAM! Rolling on some grill, you see Julius, nude and roasting. I mean Julius ruled the streets. Nigga was feared all round and there he is; ROLLING ON A FUCKING GRILL, we don’t get no rest. *tears* and you look in the show glass and you see ahmed, francis and chidera (of course beheaded to death) You guys never chill.

Julius..well, what was left of him...

Julius..well, what was left of him…

From left: Ahmed, francis, chidera...*breaks down*

From left: Ahmed, francis, chidera…*breaks down*

It’s not even funny anymore. We don’t rest, Now it’s that time of year where we experience the highest amount of missing persons, highest rate of murders and shit. We can’t deal anymore. Every holiday season basically involves our lives at risk. What the fuck is wrong with you people? What happened to murdering pigs and goats and cows? Why don’t you even murder those wannabe, gutless idiot turkeys as much as you do us? I mean, it used to be equally spread out in time past but now you guys don’t even wait for the special holidays anymore, y’all just be eating chickens daily like we ain’t shit.

And you moslems, what happened to killing rams on YOUR holidays? Oh they’re not good enough now? I don’t see where it said that Ibrahim saw a chicken up on the mountain when he wanted to kill Isiaka. I don’t see that so what the fuck is your fucking problem you fucking fuckers??? AAARGGGGHHHHH!!!! *plucks feathers out* You better not tell me to calm my titties, like you don’t like chicken breast. Psssh.

Go on, touch it, You know you wanna...

That’s The Lover’s nude..had to protect her identity..Go on, touch it, You know you wanna…

It’s Christmas now, and many of us worldwide are going to lay down our lives for the sake of your stupid celebration. I really don’t get it. Y’all say a saviour was born on this day and he died so that all who believe in Him might be saved and live. No one listens to us when we say we believe in Jesus. No. No one listens when we recite our hail Marys and plead the blood just before our throats are slit.  And if he died for us, why the fuck am I being killed for him?

As you put one of my brothers and sisters in some cage or tie us up to some pole somewhere, remember that you are doing us a great injustice and violating our fundamental rights to life. And all that rubbish you feed us in the name of food, fuck you all for that. Oh yes, those of you that actually expect to find eggs in us after death, how about you just stick your pee pees in our ass and trigger the process. Can you tell how pissed I am yet? Can you see how we’ve being reduced to nothing but an accompaniment in some stupid meal?

Sigh

And yeah, why do you all have to kill us by slicing our throats? I don’t see humans having their throats sliced on the regs. Here’s a suggestion, how about you poison us with some food supplements? I dunno, drop that shit in our food and we’ll gladly slump and die. Oh, that puts you at risk of eating poisoned chicken? TELL ME SOMETHING I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW?  Niggas be slicing our heads like we ain’t got crowns and shit, treating us like darn poultry, shiiii. And oh, plucking off our feathers, can y’all like be easy? Some of us saved a lot for our Gucci feathers, you can’t just be all up in our business ripping it apart. TF it look like, Jesus coat at the crucifixion?

Basically, these are just my last words. I know where I’m headed. Some pot, mixed with Tomatoes, oil and maybe vegetables, I’ve accepted my fate. I lay down my life so you can have a Merry Christmas. This is my contribution to earth.

Oh and yeah? Can you fuckers allow a nigga cross the street without having his motives questioned? Thank-the-fuck-you.

@Sirkastiq’s Chicken

*****

LOL…I’m sorry guys, but someone had to speak for them and my chicken had been bugging all this while. Anyway, you must have heard of the “All I want for Chrsitmas” post. This comes up on the 20th of December and TSC is playing Santa. Here’s how it works: Just follow us @TheSarcasticCtr and DM what YOU want as a Christmas gift and WHO you want it from (name, handle or nickname) We shall put it up on the blog and hopefully, the target ‘audience’ will get to see it when you ‘mistakenly’ force him/her to view the post. So keep the DMs coming guys. Cheers.

Carnivals

“You better watch out, you better watch out, you better *chops mouth* I’m telling you now, Santa Claus is coming to town” …Ho Ho Hold your horses! I know it’s not Christmas yet and I’m not even trying to speed up things around here. Oh before we delve, allow me to thank you guys again for the votes and belief in the TSC team. Yes y’all voted for us and we got the award for “best humor blog” for another year running. No monetary prizes but hey, recognition aids fulfilment. Thank you.

So yeah, where were we?

As Christmas approaches, there are noteable things that begin to happen: Streets begin to be littered with what are supposed to be carnival flags but actually are either CD plates or triangular cut pieces of paper. Major roads get decorated with Christmas lights and companies pull out their red and green drapes to try show how much Christmas spirit they possess.

Meh.

Screw you. I’m no Grinch. Well maybe I am but that’s not the issue.

So while you’re here being all posh and popular, you hide the fact that you’re the Christmas Carnival Committee Chairman (CCCC) of Agbotikuyo youth association. You are the one responsible for planning the “Mother of all carnivals” Excuse me but what actually goes on in these carnivals?

Screw you. I’ve never attended any.

Screw you. I’m posh.

Screw you. I’ve never been a CCCC.

*This post ain’t bout the Lagos/Rivers State organised type carnivals.

Oh..I’m sorry. Wrong picture. This is for sometime in January

 

We talking street here nigga. STREET!

So you delegate people to buy CDs or do they just donate the CDs they ain’t using no more? You get the Area agbero that needs quick cash for his next spliff to climb up various poles to “install” these carnival flags, of course you’ve paid Lukman the electrician who normally helps you with your illegal NEPA connection to rent you his ladder for N500, Haruna (pronounced aruno) is the area printer, He’s got your banner locked down and dabs away contributing his quota to the “Mother of all carnivals.” And here you are reading this article pretending like you do not know wharrahell I’m talking about.

Let’s pretend that the lot of you live on the Island and as such are oblivious of the struggles of the Mainlanders. I’m not trying to segregate but please we island people aren’t about such struggle lives. We want a carnival, we go for Notting Hill or just chill for some real Rio shit.

Our Rio carnivals yo…

Now back to you guys. Have you people seen the names of some of these carnivals? I mean what manner of razz, foul, Wasiu Alabi devil gives such ideas? You see shit like “Unleash the koko dragon 2010” “Obalende Youths YES WE CA(R)NIVAL” “Diamonds in the Sky Riri Carnival” WHAAAAAT??  As if the names are not depressing enough, all that happens in the said carnivals are enough to make you go listen to Drake and just bawl your eyes out while in a shower.

YOUR carnival

The first thing you notice with these carnivals of course is the ‘decorations’ Your Nepa wires just begin to look all designed and shit. Have you ever wondered how come people were able to actually get up there and fix those things on the wires without getting a rooftop Mc like shock therapy? Its two things: One – Jazz. Two – they’ve tampered with your transformer. Most of these carnival areas hardly have light. Yes if you live at Isheri, Ikotun, Ikorodu (Hi Tee),Egbeda, Bariga, Car wash (LOL) You know that of which I speak.

Next, as the carnival day draws near, a mini Lekki toll gate appears. I mean well, it doesn’t exactly have the same structural, automated features as what we enjoy on the Island but there’s nothing a long bamboo stick and two drums (which shall eventually double as Freezers) cannot do. This toll gate shall serve as collection point for the carnival. As you drive past, it is expected that you drop something for awon boys for the execution of the event. Let’s forget the fact that there will be about 15 other toll points within a 50m distance.

Our Tollgate…

Your Tollgate…

 

These carnivals normally commence on the 24th or 26th of December. Some even last from 24th-26th and generally have nothing carnival-ish about them. Ahmean, you don’t see no sexy ladies with feathers, thin thongs and sexy bras strutting their stuff while dancing to Timaya’s “Shake your bum bum” We don’t see no creative costumes and garbs. All we get if anything is some hungry nigga dressed in straw and dirty clothes carrying a cane ready to flog anyone who doesn’t drop at least N50 for him. Why evils? And then the Music, OhMyGoist…The Music! As is common with you mainlanders, there’s always one guy who sells CDs and has his shop littered with posters of unknown musicians. His shop always has at least 2 speakers outside with the localest of music playing ALL. THE. TIME. Even when NEPA seizes power, nigga’s got his Ibetapassmynebo (lol) gen on stand-by blasting his music with no care in the world. So yes, this dude is given the contract to supply music for the carnival so he moves his speakers to the bus stop (which is often the carnival location), mounts them and begins to fantasize about being a DJ while churning out music worse than a loud Monday morning alarm clock.

In the advertised banner, you’ll be told that guest artistes shall be on hand to perform. You’ll see names like Iyanya, Wizkid, Fatai Rolling Dollar and Davido and you sef believed. All you get on D-day is a donate-to-my-album-plea by kpeguru the aspiring fuji musician on your street. smh. There’s lots of green bottles going round. Of course, the neighbourhood agberos have invited their shorty’s and their ‘awon temi’ and somehow they find the rhythm in the songs and dance along, mostly off beat but who cares? The smell of paraga and that local ‘green’ fills the air and carnival is in full swing. This goes on till late night and lasts sometimes till morning.

Like I said, I’m posh.

But you know what I’m talking about tho

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not trying to knock your hustle. I just want you to know my brother, my sister, that there’s a better life for you out there. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. This isn’t life. Come over to the Lord’s side and taste the goodness of carnivals and shit. Sadly, the West Indies Carnivals that used to hold at TBS don’t hold no more but even them, don’t be a menace. The point of all this apart from trying to annoy the shit out of you (which I hope I succeeded at) is to prepare you for the season ahead. As days pass, I shall come on here to talk about Christmas and things I notice, share some advice and basically just get you ready for the seizing. All pun intended.

Feel free to use the comment box to cast yourself and fall your own hand. At TSC, we don’t judge

Remember guys, all this is fiction. I’m not about this life. Heck, I stay on the Island.

Terdoh: Yo Kel, this carnival won’t plan itself yo!

Dammy: *snickers*

Shit.