Things Nigerian Men don’t/Won’t do

Ok guys, this is one of those all of a sudden-inspired posts that I didn’t plan to write. Matter of fact, I was just scrolling through my twitter timeline like the peace-loving individual I am and then BAM!  I saw this:

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And then a thought dribbled through my brain defences like…

VIDEO NEYMAR

 

 

And I tried to ignore but then I saw this:

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So yes, here we are and yeah, you’re welcome.

Ladies are you paying attention because I shall say this only once and I believe once is enough for you. I mean, a word is enough for the wise and this is why wise people only speak once. Yes, a wise man once said this.

Most of you women just believe that because we are men, we are automatically some form of robot that can do anything and should in fact do everything. I’m sorry o but that’s far from the reality. Matter of fact, this is why some men have decided to be feminine seeing as they can’t cope with the demands of manhood. This has nothing to do with penis length. Thanks. As Nigerian men, here’s a list of some things you shouldn’t expect or ask us to do, please and thank you.

 1. OPEN DOORS: Now don’t get it twisted, I know some of you are already like “it’s a lie, my man opens doors for me all the time. Well, yeah, it could be that his locks are special, the car door is faulty or you’re a new girlfriend. But here’s where I need you to think carefully; Your man opens the car door for you when you’re getting in right? Does he open it as well after the drive is done? I can bet my 3 month income that he doesn’t. Are you even mad? So you’ll get to the destination and you’ll sit still like unmoving waters and wait for him to come round to open the door? No really? You don’t feel like a waste? LOL, stop watching these movies girl, it don’t happen. You better flex your right arm, reach out to the door handle, pull and get your butt off that seat. Or if it’s a special edition ride, ask him for the ‘window winder,’ reach outside the window, locate the door handle and then pull. Sometimes your shoulder might be needed to complete the door opening procedure

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2. Kill cockroaches and huge fucking spiders: Baby, the last time I checked, I was an Engineer not a Pest/Rodent Control Officer. The Bible even says “…and God made man in His image after His own likeness…” “…and gave them dominion…” Dominion is derived from the Greek word *look up the Greek word and insert here* which means ‘dominate.’This domination was given to both man and woman so I don’t understand why it has all of a sudden become my duty to kill roaches and seek out rats. I don’t see the problem these guys are bringing our way. Do you see them with guns or bombs? They really aren’t a bother so why should we seek to cut their life short? I suggest a negotiation system. How about you leave the room and allow me reason with these guys? I’m sure we can reach some form of agreement. Pushing me to kill or tossing a slipper at me to handle the issue isn’t the best. PS: If we’re talking about flying roaches though, can we discuss this in some other room?

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3. Nigerian men are not Investigators: So it’s 2am and we slept off after some hot-like-egusi sex and somehow you don’t sleep deep so you heard a sound originating from outside or downstairs. Two questions:

–          Why did you wake me?

–          Did the sound call my or your name?

–          Do I look like I major in handling sounds?

–          Why the fuck didn’t you just go check for yourself since you’re so attached to sounds?

I know that’s four questions, sorry this issue pains me. I mean, let sounds be. If you’re scared, just squeeze closer to me, hold me tighter. It helps if you’re sleeping naked as this gesture will arouse me and before you know it, we begin to make sounds of our own. Let us use sounds to eradicate the fear of sounds. Please, haven’t you seen that those who go to investigate sounds end up dead? Please biko, I still want to live this life.

4. Nigerian men can’t have abs, a baritone voice and beards: So you better “pick your choose2 very carefully. You women just think you can replace “tall, dark and handsome” with “beard, build and baritone” without sending a request to the Federal Senate? You can’t. It’s not done. Now I’m an exception, I mean I’ve got all three (shut up, I do) but the average Nigerian guy has the beard (most of you are just struggling but we’ll allow you), the build? Well not with those pot bellies that lead you around and abeg sounding like a conductor isn’t really baritone. So women, choose one.

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5. Nigerian men won’t allow you drive their new car in his absence: Yes you’re the boo but baby, his ride is his gem. It’s not like what is his isn’t yours but see yeah? If you now bash the car, what will you say? Sorry? S-O-R-R-Y? You will now do face like a caught puppy and expect him to react? If your man lets you drive his new car, just know that if you bash it, you have to say ‘yes’ when he asks you to marry him, and note: he won’t ask kneeling down.

Of course there are other things Nigerian men can’t/won’t do but space hinders me from mentioning them all, I know some might wanna mention eating ass but I really know nothing ‘bout that shit and I don’t want to make unfounded assumptions.

Cheers yo!

 

 

 

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Sex

Hey Guys, before you pelt me with rotten eggs and tomatoes, let me just cast myself. Firstly yes, we’ve been epileptic with posts. I take responsibility for that. I feel like I’m basically nearing the end of my writing sojourn here. These days, i’m short on ideas and I just want to manage things. Might have to do with more responsibility and shit. Funny enough, I’m pretty frequent with my posts on TNC so I don’t understand it. Anyway, yeah…

So last month, a friend sent me this post which I featured on TNC, for the benefit of those who didn’t read it, I thought to share it here.

Please enjoy…

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Sex

Sex eh? Everyone talks about it. All the time. It must be amazing, right? Like eating magic plantain fried with the tears of 200 beautiful angels. Right? Maybe. I don’t know. Please don’t ask me abeg. I do know that sex is one of the few high-stakes activities in the world you can engage in with absolutely zero training, or licensing, or even basic mentoring. For the love of bread and moimoi, shouldn’t we all get licenses before sex? Do you not want to have a document with your name on it that says Certified Penis Operator? Or Validated Vagina Visa Holder? Or even Cocksmith General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria? No? Me neither.

Anyway, most of us received absolutely no training pre-sex. If you were lucky, your parents just told you to be careful, handed you a condom and said “Goodluck my son” or “Go forth and multiply” or if you were a girl “Please don’t disgrace me o.” or the less subtle “If you carry belle to this house, I will kill you” before throwing you to the wild.

So… let’s assume its your wedding night (LOL, ashewo like you). You assume you are prepared for sex. You think you know everything that is about to take place. You are wrong.

I am a nice fellow so let me tell you the 5 things you should know about sex that no one ever tells you (except me).

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1. Sex Smells

Look, there’s is no good way to put it but its true – sex is a smelly activity. Two people are mashing their genitals together violently like they are possessed by the spirit of Terry G, sweat rolling down  their least properly washed parts, fluids condemned by both god and man as unholy are leaking from their insides, just rolling out over thighs, sluicing through butt cracks, all in the tropical heat and a closed space, of course it’s going to get smelly in a hurry. You cant smell it usually because you get used to it or you are focused on something else (boobies!). So what does sex smell like? It depends on the people and how they are doing it but it is always clammy and thick and if anyone walks into the room while you are having sex, they will probably be able to taste it at the back of their throat and then they will wish they could die.

2. Sexhaustion is real

I wont lie, sex is hard work. Cardio of life. Fitfam = Slutfam. And for those of use that don’t run 5 miles a day, sometimes during sex you get to a point where you are so tired that sex actually stops being fun and becomes work – and not good work like sitting in an office of an oil company checking your Facebook page until it’s time for lunch. I mean work like hard labor, like cutting the grass on the 6 plots of land that used to be your grandfather’s farm using only a rusty table knife and a razor blade – the kind of work that you mindlessly bulldoze your way through – just because you don’t want to disappoint your partner who is like, really, really, horny right now. You’re standing behind (or you’re sitting on top of) them and just pounding your groin into theirs, desperately waiting for the end to come (hehe), like a merciful bullet to the head while you’re being tortured – and when it does, it’s basically euthanasia by orgasm. It comes (hehe), you disengage, you roll over and then sleep immediately.

3. Penis fit break

See, some women like to violently bounce up and down a guy’s long thing as they are pumping water from an abandoned well in the sahara – well, be careful because if you land in the wrong position, you can absolutely break his penis. While there is no actual bone in a penis, there are two cylinders of tissue that become rigid during an erection, and if you have sex too hard, it can break with a cracking sound. Fun fact: this is more likely to happen when a man is cheating, according to the University of Maryland Medical Center. So that’s something to add to your list of ‘safe sex’ practices – Not every time ride penis like dragon, sometimes gentle humping.

4. There will be Vagina Farts (aka Queefs)

Farting during sex is one of the worst things anyone can do to someone they claim to love. It is a terrible terrible thing. I mean, things are smelly enough already, why you have to go and add rotten egg to the horror? But, when you are having sex, you are hammering large quantities of air into a tight, moist space (hehe). The queef is as much a part of sex as much as Namadi Sambo is part of the Nigerian government, even though he doesn’t really seem to be and nobody acknowledges it. So sooner or later, while pounding, a massive, squeaky farting sound will occur (just like Namadi Sambo) as you mash your naughty bits into her naughty bits. It can’t be helped most of the time but it is still embarrassing when you hear that unmistakable sound. And most of the time, both of you will just pretend it never happened (Just like Namadi Sambo) because no one wants stop having sweet, sweet sex just to have that an argument about whether she just queefed or if he just farted.

5. Sex is slimy

Natural Sex = Slime, most of the time. This only occurs when you’re not using condoms. If you are (and you better be, you rotten meat bag of syphilis) then maybe this hasn’t happened to you, yet. It’s simple though, what goes up (or down, or to the side, or slides in from behind, or is poured into the front, whatever) must come down at some point. So, once sex is over and you are both done exchanging juices, unless the woman keeps her legs up in the air to prevent it, said juices will start to leak all over the place. If the guy is still under her, then she gets to return his white gift and if she is under him then she spills the cocktail of his baby batter and her natural engine oil down her ass crack and then all over the bed unless someone scrambles for some tissues or a towel, or a rag, or a T-shirt to wipe everything down before your both drown in your own body stews. Nice imagery isn’t it? Isn’t sex fun, kids?

What I’m saying is – you probably didn’t think you would need a sex towel did you? Or that sex would smell so weird? Or that you could break your penis if you go too hard? Or that women fart via vagina? Mills and boon didn’t tell you about that did they? Welcome to real life, my friends, now please, enjoy all the smelly, slimy sex.

– Mr. Anonymous