On a scale of 1 to BadAss

Well Aloha and welcome again. As was stated in my last post, we do have new writers and categories. This category is titled “Cool Stories of our lives” and is solely run by @TheGreyGenesis. I don’t think he needs any introduction as you must have read his debut post www.tscng.wordpress.com/coolstory  I’m just here to do this intro and won’t be in your face any further, Hopefully, this section should be up on sundays so look out for that… yeah, over to you Grey…

———————————————————————————————————————————————————–

In the Name of Your Individual Village Juju(s) I Greet & Welcome you. Please take your Seats \_ \_ \_.

For the Celebs taking time out of their Questionable Schedules to Waste their respective IQs reading something written by me? —–> _-/ _-/ _-/ … Hope the Armrests are Comfy 😀 And For The Abnormalities & Whatnots also reading (like @Sirkastiq, @Cumical and Co.) Here —–> _ _ _ _ _ Those are Newspapers.

Everyone Seated? Okay.

I decided to talk about something Different today. While Picking Beans the other day, I remembered a Scene from the Movie ‘Xmen: The Last Stand’ where Jean’s inner evil spirit had taken Over & was chopping everybody’s individual Daddys’ Asses as if it was Yam & Egg Sauce. And Wolverine kept going towards her, Yea though his skin was Peeling off with each step until he Chooked that Bitch some Adamantium Akpako. And I thought to myself.

Me: Self?

Self: Kilonpop?

Me: Cocopops

Self: -__-

Me: Forgive me. I Can’t help it. Anyways, if we had to rate Hugh Jackman as Wolverine on a Scale of 1 to BadAss, what will we Score that Hairy FotherMucker?

Me & Self (together): 9 Over BadAss!!! ^_^

Oh? Not him? shit! *rummages through pictures*

So I stopped the Bean Picking and decided to write about Those Kick Ass Characters in Movies and what their Ratings should be on a Scale of 1 to BadAss. (At this Point, if you’re Not into Movies N’shit, And you have Brain Fluid … Shey you know you should stop reading & Go and be Great somewhere else Ba?)  Toh.

So, Let me start with the Grand Popc of the “Daddy be a Bottle of Zobo” Movies. Uncle Jet Li. You CANNOT watch a Jet Li movie without thinking at one point or the Other “Don’t Fucking Piss Me Off!” How that Chinese Niggur Gonn’ wear Pure white & Beat the Yesterday Out the Tomorrow of an ENTIRE VILLAGE OF GROWN ASS ADULT NINJAS Without Getting a Single Stain? o_O Specifically speaking tho, let’s Rate Jet on his Character’s Performance in the Movie “The One”(The Bad Guy Jet li). On a Scale of 1 to BadAss? —-? 7. It should be a 5 self because of all those Zobo they tried to feed us. (??? )

STOP THE WASH. I USE OMO..

Moving On. Gerard Butler as Leonydas in ‘300’. O God! I won’t say much except to say Unto ye, On a scale of 1 to Gerard Butler as Leonydas? —-? BADASS!!! \(???)/

Is that why you’re now shouting?

ok that explains it…

Then we have Brad Pitt as Troy —-? 2. (?_?) I Do Not remember any part of the Movie apart from where he Jumped & Stabbed some Hobo in the Neck. Judge Me.

Kate Beckinsale as the Death-dealing vampire Selene and her tight, tight, TIGHT Leather pants in Underworld *Stops typing and looks towards Vaseline on cabinet Continues Picking Beans* Ehen… Her. On a Scale of 1 to Bad Ass? 9.999999999 Over Bad Ass (?_?)

You can suck my blood all day err’day mami..

Then let’s talk about Keanu Reeves as Neo in Matrix. Neo as a Character was a little bit of a Baby Piglet Considering all those Powers he Had. Imagine if Hugh Jackman AS Wolverine had been THE CHOSEN ONE in The MATRIX? OJIBIJIBIJIBI!!! (//_\\) I would Pay to watch THAT movie with my neighbour’s left Pinkie Finger -if that’s what they say I should bring in Silverbird (._. ) … I give Neo a 5. Just because. But Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith in The Matrix On the Other Hand??? THAT’S WHY WE PAY TO WATCH MOVIES RIGHT THURR! He Gets a Solid 9! His Speech in ‘Matrix Revolutions’, when Neo just wouldn’t lie down & Die like a Well Brought up Child of God, nearly made me Weep. That Speech > Aragon’s Speech in Lord of the Rings > All Obama’s Speeches > Wizkid’s Music (?_?)

Please tell him….

And Speaking of Bad Asses in Lord of the Rings? Can I hear a “Lego”? Give me that “Las”! LEGOLAS!!! The Elf that will Lead us on the day of the Rapture. (^_^) Orlando Bloom as Legolas = 7 Optimus Prime = 9. Please Don’t Argue. I Know where you live. I don’t like beating people & their parents while they sleep. Let it Go. Please. Thank you 🙂

And speaking of Transforming Machines & the Diesel that makes ’em Fast and Furious, Let’s Just all Hold hands and Give the Brother Vin Diesel a 9 for his Performance as Riddick in Pitch Black. Too AWESOME!

I’m sexy and i know it…

And Not Forgetting the Best Actor to Ever Portray the Martini Sipping-Hot Chicks Astraffing-Gun Toting Agent 007, Pierce Brosnan. A 6 for his Bad Ass delivery in Tomorrow never dies. And I Have to Mention Gerard Butler Again for his Role in ‘Law Abiding Citizen’. THAT … Was an Epic Bad Ass of a Character. Can you imagine someone telling you he’ll Kill ALL your friends? And you lock him in Jail and sit watching him in the Jail? And without leaving your Presence, ELIMINATES ALL your Friends? :O Naah Fam. He deserves a 9 for that Shii

Words on Point

Rooney Mara in ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ … *Starts Picking Beans* * * * Wesley Snipes as ‘Blade’. —-? 7 Heath Ledger as the Joker in Dark Knight Gets a 9. Too Too Insane. Then I would rather Call Jack Black as Po in “Kungfu Panda” a Bad Ass than Give Matt Damon any Credit for being a Kick Ass for Pleasure type ‘a Nigga for his Portrayal of Jason Bourne in the Bourne Saga.

Now look at People like Jason Statham. Like I can’t even take them seriously. That Dude looks like a wealthy Soccer Player. What he doing trying to steal cars and Attempting Karate? Is it not the Same God that Created Beckham that Created him? What’s his Problem then? O_o

Idris Elba as The Guardian in ‘Thor’ —-? 5 Kiefer sutherland As Jack Bauer? QXZP&GDJBXZQ%GPKXPQZXY!!!!!!!! NO ONE MAN CAN BE SO JACK BAUER! Badass Over Badass On Badass. Jack Bauer CAN Beat your Daddy. And Mine too. Again, Do Not Argue -_-

Tea Bag from Prison Break? That’s another Basket Case Coconut Hardened Criminal Character. For his Portrayal —-? 8 Alan Rickman as Severus Snape in Harry Potter … THIS DUDE Petrified me More than Voldemort. Well, Almost. He gets a 7.

Steven Segal is Just NOT okay. Which movie do I want to begin Citing? Segal in any Movie? The Bad Guy OR Good Guy (whoever is against Him) Must be Knacked the Akpako of Broken Bones and Confusion. 9 And Last but not the Least (For Grey is Tired & This is Not a Novel Gaddemit) The One… The Only… Let me Give you a Clue about the Most Dangerous, Most Legendary, Most Zoboless Bad Ass Second to None (well, maybe Second to Jackie Chan) According to You People, This Bad ass walked into a Mr Biggs and Ordered for Chicken From SFC… AND THEY BROUGHT IT TO HIM. This Bad Ass Was involved in a Knife Fight with a Knife… AND THE KNIFE LOST. Ladies And Gentlemen And Other Things Unmentionable @Sirkastiq and @Cumical … I present to you the Bad Ass of Our Time with a Rating of WORSTASS over BADASS … CHUCK NORRIS (^?^)

No shit..

Kardashian Influenced behavior… smh

Now Go Away. *Continues Picking Beans*

What to Write?

This is a RANT…

I’ve been staring at this laptop screen for the past 45mins trying to think up something to write. The kind of guilty conscience that is catching me because I haven’t written in a while is all sorts of epic. I mean I’m not getting paid on here so why am I even feeling this way? Oh! It must be because I love you guys so much and I want to, in my own little way, put smiles on your otherwise scrawny faces. Awwww…Have you ever wondered why these bloggers think its necessary to give some sort of explanation when they haven’t written in a while? Like they really think you guys care or even notice their absence. HaHa! they start saying stupid shit like “i’m experiencing writers bloc..” BOLLOCKS!!! Me i don’t care whether i write once a month or not at all, when i’m not TheToolsMan or that weirdo kid. Infact, who cares about blogging?

*shuts down laptop*

*45 mins later*

Question of life…

I still don’t have any particular topic to write on. I mean I could come on here and wow you guys with my relationship depth and all that (ignore the fact that I’m the guy who has had unsuccessful relationships).Wait, this doesn’t mean I suck at them, it’s just that I haven’t met the ‘ONE.’ Allow me to say if you are one of those that are waiting for ‘the one,’ you are on a very long thing. I mean, why on earth will you limit yourself to searching out one person when you can have the pleasure of testing out variations. Even science advocates for ‘research’ before a final product is produced. Therefore, do not … Look if you are actually taking me and the gibberish i’m spewing serious, then you are as confused as a *insert appropriate metaphor here*. Did you miss the line of me being the “guy who has had the unsuccessful relationships?”

What? Ugwu isn’t really cheap ya know…

I could also come out here and tongue-lash all you women that be putting us brothers in various zones. Yes, I know I’ve written about that. Are you ok? Isn’t that why I say I don’t know what to write about? Yeah as I was, most of you ladies here be enjoying the attention that these dudes be giving you, enjoying seeing your pictures on their DP’s and seeing corny ass status messages directed at you, you enjoy the subs and leaky messages on Twitter but agree for the dude now, wahala. Let me tell you, the lord is watching you. Be steady depositing brothers in friend zones, brother zones, he-sends-me-credit-zone, study partner zone, In-case-of-emergency zone, driver zone and the one that can pain, I’ll-always-cry-on-your-shoulder zone.

Haha! Him don catch you abi?

We are in the month of May and our friends from ‘the abroad’ have started coming back for ‘summer’ hols. Even though we do not have summer in this our country, who cares? Naij cannot carry last. You might be expecting that I’ll come here and start giving you tips on how to set that P but trust me, if you don’t know how to do that already, you should go find ground, dig a hole and place your head in it. I’m not even kidding. But because I have friends in high (blog) places, I have it on good authority that you’ll have another lecture on setting P coming soon to you. Just do well to stalk that Panda dude in the coming weeks. Registration for the classes start in earnest. Here’s how to register:

1. Go to http://www.twitter.com. 2. Search out the handle @Sirkastiq. 3. Follow the handle and DO NOT ASK for a follow back. 4. For those already following, skip to step 5. 5. Tweet the following “i am now following your sexiness, #SummerP101”  (PS:) For sexy girls alone, you shall be automatically followed if you ARE THE ONE in your avatar 6. DM your BB pin and await further personal details

Please Males should stop at step 3.

Coming soon…in 3D

You probably expect that I might mention some things regarding the Nigerian entertainment scene and the recent brouhaha emanating from the D’banj/DonJazzy camps, the recent Mode 9/Muna mic bust up and stuff but…haven’t you guys murdered all that on Twitter already, why would I make you click a blog link, only to give you a revised edition of what went down? You know the thing yeah, I couldn’t be arsed that Muna disrespected Mode 9 or that Modo (the most successful Nigerian rapper after MI, Ice Prince, NaetoC, D’prince, Wizkid, Basket mouth and Vic O) was childish in his display. What?! You question Wizkid and D’prince rap-ability? Have you no ears? Do you use ‘em to listen or to hear? *pause* This is a deep line. Read it again. And what do you mean Vic O is not a rap legend? Why evils yo? do you know the crowd that nigga pulls in italy and Europe? don’t even trip. Homie does more shows in a month than Uncle Modey does in a …yea what? come and beat me now. Yes i’m running my mouth (or keyboard as the case really is), If it’s paining you, you know what…

pass it mehnnn….

Moving On, not like i know where i’m moving too since i still don’t know what it is i intend to blog about today, sorry tonight. see its already 10:06pm by my laptop time. i started this post at 9:34am, here we are 12hours later and without much headway. Oh yes, i think i’ve got it! Should i write about the epic end to the soccer season that saw Manchester City clinch the title with almost the last kick of the ball? Kai Man Utd fans, NO LIE, E DEY PAIN!!! As in you know when you ask “whats the worst that could happen?” The football god actually desired to kill Alex ferguson with a heart attack but the stubborn Scot just refused to go. Losing the title in 2 minutes was the last play of the game book and Alex Ferguson mastered that.

Written by the Sir himself…

Anyway, seeing as i still i’m not sure what i wanna blog about today, alllow me state that we now have some in-house writers that are going to be residing here on TSC. y’all are probably already familiar with TheGreyGenesis, he’s going to be manning the “cool stories of Life” section, i’ll keep the other under wraps for now but the category will most likely be called ‘vanity’ uh-huh, yeah.  So um, till i actually have something to write on here, i’ll see you guys. Oh below is TheGreyGenesis, just incase you run into ‘it’ in real life or dream-ville

our new recruit…

Sirkastiq out yo…

Cool Story

Why hello good people and bienvenué to TSC. Today I’m just gonna go straight into it, we’ve got a guest post from a cool dude, cool because he tells the coolest stories around. Like his stories always get me in stitches. I was privileged to read one such on my TL and i had to snap him up sharply like Sir Alex did Chicharito. I’ll step aside and let you enjoy this piece by @TheGreyGenesis … See you on the other side
———————————————————————————————————————————

I wondered & wondered which of the ‘Jesus Take me Away’ experiences that Constitutes my small life so Far I wanted to share with you people today.

I was Picking beans last Thursday night when It Occurred to me that I had only told a few people One of the Most Humbling & Humiliating experiences of my entire Secondary School Life. Today, i shall share it with you. Stay Tuned.

P.S .. The expression “Picking Beans” in my head is ALWAYS a Euphemism for anything I’m doing at some moment which I Would not in a 1000 years admit to. Anything Except, of course, Actually Picking Honest-to-God Beans (Who does that right?) (-_-)

Anyway, I had just resumed & Started (my Journey towards Mordor) Jss 1 as a Boarding Student & I was Small. Without Common sense. And Over indulged.

The WORST Combination.

Get my drift?

For you see, the parents thought they had paid School Fees to the F.G.C for my betterment. They Obviously must not have seen the part on the Brochure that said, welcome to the Wild. Actually, the WILD is a humane thing to nickname my Alma mater … You’ll soon understand why. Let me introduce, at this Point, a Young lad named Emenike. The Misfortune that later came to befall Emenike, through no fault of his, was as a result of us having been neighbors back home. When I got admission, my Pops and the Pops of Emenike got together & decided that Since Emenike was an SS 1 student at the time, he would look out for me. Sort of like a School Father. Emenike Agreed. Poor Emenike :’)

Yeah, you still get my drift yeah?

Anyways, It was on one Bright Saturday afternoon like that. I had finally stopped crying over each new Horror my eyes had been made to see for the first 3 weeks of my inception into the hostel. Before that year, I had never seen a Human being connect a Leather Belt to the Bare back of another Human being. Nor, did I believe it could happen. I didn’t even believe the ones I had been seeing in Movies were real. By God who made me, They were Real. This I came to witness. :’) 3 Weeks in though, I was not yet a Partaker (Recipient) of the horror. Merely a witness :’) This Particular Saturday Changed EVERYTHING.(//_\\) So there I was, crying about one thing or the other I had witnessed & Generally feeling like Shit when this Bastard baby Senior dropped an empty Bucket in front of me. I peered at him through tear filled eyes. “Can I help you?” I asked. “Go & Fetch me Water.” He Said. I was like o_O ??? … He was like O_o !!!

My purely innocent look

Bastard Senior’s look…-__-

I ran away. I Felt thirsty, so I went to the Manual pumping Borehole. There was a Senior there pumping the lever while water slushed into his bucket. A Gorilla of a Boy. The fists he was Pumping the lever with were like Twice the size of my then small head. EACH. Did I tell you I had no Common sense whatsoever back then? Did you believe me? No? Okay. Here’s what I did next. (⌣_⌣) I dipped my hand beneath the Tap, lowered my mouth & Drank the water from my hand, letting the remnant from my mouth trickle into the bucket. I should have known something was Wrong when I heard the Creaky lever Stop pumping. I wanted to ask the Senior why he had stopped pumping for me to drink. And Dearly beloved, Just as I raised my face to ask whatsup?

TOZA! TOZA!

Pictorial representation of “the TOZA!”

I wanted to DIE! The Pain! O My God, the Pain! BLOOD OF JEHOSHAPHAT The two Slaps Sounded like Simultaneous Gunshots On a Beats By Dre headphone at the Loudest Volume. My face felt like it had been erased. For almost a minute I could not See at all. I could not Smell. I could only hear this high pitched “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN” When I realized I hadn’t died afterall, I took one Looooong look of Disbelief at the Senior. “You Slapped Me?” My Rapidly Swelling lips quivered as I asked. I NEEDED TO BE SURE He took another step towards me & raised his Arm to reaffirm my Suspicion with another one. I suddenly got it. Quick as Lightning I jumped away & Started running towards the Hostel.

Need i say more?

On my way I met the First senior that had sent me to fetch him water. Apparently he could find no Juniors so he was headed to the Borehole by himself. “Come here! Your Father! You ran away ba?” I didn’t even answer him. Just kept running towards the Hostel. Towards Someone to Avenge me. Towards Poor, Poor Emenike :’) That’s how I cried & Cried & Reported the idiot to Emenike. Emenike bristled with Anger and Started storming with me in tow from the hostel to the borehole. All along Emenike thought it was my mate that did that to me :’) The Gorilla Boy was still there at the Borehole. So was the other senior.

I pointed at them. “That one is the one that Slapped me. That other one wanted to Send me to fetch him water.” I Reported I watched as the Blood drain from Emenike’s Light skinned small Calabar face as he suddenly started to put 2 & 2 Together. “And you came to Report THEM to ME???” He Squealed Gorilla Boy laughed and jumped down. His Lacoste Belt was already swinging as he Ordered Emenike, the School Father, to first Lie down Flat on the Muddy earth. The other Senior Came down from the borehole too, belt in hand. As they Beat the Facked up Shit out of the Howling Emenike, it occurred to me that My School Father was MERELY an SS 1 Student sha. It never Occurred to me that these People were SS3 Students (O_O) Then they made me lie down beside my SS1 School Father. \\ ( -̩̩̩͡˛-̩̩̩͡ ) //

Erm…but you know this isn’t the real thing yeah?

That, Dear Reader, is the Story of How I first realized that Sinzu is Sinzu. I still have Marks till this Day, from that Beating. 😥

Till Today, Emenike & his Family never again Spoke to Me … Nor My Family :’)

*Continues Picking Beans*

———————————————————————————————————————
See why I didn’t say much? Dammy is a special person and his stories are just…its the way he tells it, Brilliant stuff. I’m guessing we’ll be having more of him on TSC. Alright till later yo…Look out for my guest appearances on blogs close to you.