sniff sniff

Hi guys,

*sniff*

Don’t even start asking where we’ve been that we haven’t posted in eons. You don’t know my struggles on the daily. You don’t know what it feels like to see your beloved walk out of your life.  You don’t know the heartbreak that accompanies parting with your best friend, so don’t ask me shit. Direct your questions to @Cumical and @TheGreyGenesis, I’m pretty sure they’ll have answers to give you. Right now, I’m just an entire mess.

Have you ever been so shattered that nothing makes sense? Ever been so heartbroken, you just want to take that Brandy CD and snap it in half just so you can feel some sort of fulfilment? Have you? Have you? No? Fuck you and your almost perfect life.

Everyone deserves to be heartbroken at least once in their life. Some of you are such punks, you deserve it on the regular but yeah whatever. I’m down guys, I’m shattered. This pain is so surreal, this must be what it feels like to be in close proximity when Tonto is in a studio. You know how it feels when you’re in pain caused by love and your stupid-friends-that-dont-know-how-to-sympathise tell you “it’s going to be fine?” They tell you shit like “you’ll find someone better”, “(s)he wasn’t good for you anyway”

No shit!!!

When were you going to inform me about this earth shattering discovery of yours? Why did you have to wait before my earth shattered before telling me? You know what, those friends? You should rip out their eyebrows while they sleep and pour pepper in the exposed pores.

Sigh

So in my state of despair (not Ekiti) I decided to engage myself in reading, and stumbled on this blog link that talks about “7 things you should not do after a breakup” You can view that here: So yeah, you might want to read that and return to read my opinion on the listed points.

Go.

Go and read it.

I said GO AWAY!!!

UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

See that you’re exhibiting ape behaviour now?

Smh

Anyway their points are numbered and my remarks follow:

  1. Do not try to remain friends: This is rubbish. Look, you have to remain friends with your ex(es) so you can rub pepper in their eyes when baba God decides to butter your bread again. People be telling you to ‘cut all ties’ like ties aren’t expensive enough. What is the use of entering another relationship if it’s not to make your ex jealous? This is why I tell people that your next has to be better than your ex. Even if you have to photoshop her and flter her physical existence, just make sure she’s all that and more. So yes, remain friends.
  2. Do not stalk them on Twitter/Facebook/Social Media: Can you imagine? How else will you know when there’s a new girl or guy? How would you know when he’s subbing the shit out of you. Listen, you MUST follow your exes, if they block you, open an account that can’t be traced to you and keep following, Do they think they can just walk out of your life like that? You have to monitor their facebook relationship status so that when it changes to “in a relationship,” you can save the date and devise a tentative 10 day plan to fuck that shit up. Follow them on InstaGram…when they put up a picture, put up an entire story of the history of that event. Yes.
  3. Do not turn to alcohol: LOOOOOL Jokers. So alcohol was created for good times? Nigga please, there’s nothing sweet about alcohol because that my nigga was created for bitter times. Please tell me what better bitter time exists aside when your heart is being placed in a mortar and pestled to crayfish like fineness? My guy, drink till you lose focus, till you yo, till you can drink no more. Uncle Jack died so you might drink…and drink more abundantly.
  4. Do not go on the hunt for someone else: hahaha…you think the lion hunts down the antelopes? Nah son, the antelope just wandered into the path of the lion and triggered a ‘catch me if you can’ clause, so yeah since the lion is royalty and a good sport, he only decided to indulge. C’est fini
  5. Do not believe you will always be like this: Listen my child and hearken to wisdom; ever heard of ‘forever alone?’ Do you think it’s some myth that some people just thought up? You’re doomed when your heart is broken. Your entire life is gone. Have you seen a heart that was put together after it broke? I will slap you if you quote any song for me. You are finished, dead, buried. Celine Dion sang “her heart will go on” Did you notice that her career started dying after that? Better believe and behave.
  6. Do not contact your ex for any reason: Oh Oh, so the money I was owed should just vanish into thin air? God forbid.  Not only should you contact them, make sure you flash all the time, send them broadcasts with fancy characters every day except on Tuesdays (I don’t know why I said tuesday), sub them on twitter, tweet at then, tag them in every stupid photo on facebook, make sure they know you still exist. It’s only normal. Send them birthday messages, celebrate special days like Thursdays just because it is the day before Friday. Yes.
  7. Don’t let yourself go: So what the article is basically saying is that most of you are fat because your heart was broken. Also if you go about looking like a drug overdosed version of black face then your heart was also broken. What do they mean “don’t let yourself go?” How else will the world know you’re hurting? My nigga DO NOT SHAVE! Yes, I’m referring to your face and those places where the sun don’t shine. I know this kinda means most Igbo women are heartbroken but they’ll be fine.

Sigh..I’m just sad guys. I’m sorry but I needed to let this rant out. When the one you love suddenly leaves you, there’s a void that nothing can fill. Not food, not thrashing people in FIFA13, not alcohol, nothing. This life is just *insert your favourite This Life statement here*

I miss you Ella…Hurry back from your vet training.

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Garage Boys: Global Domination

Ssup guys?

So a friend of mine sent me this post a while back and it has been sitting in my drafts since forever. I stumbled on it again today and I thought it would be a crime not to share this with you guys.

There…the best introduction ever.

Don’t forget to comment. We live for feedback…

@Terdoh…

***

 *Everywhere seemed calm on a Thursday evening. The lights were turned
off, the tv set illuminated the room ’till it ceded to darkness.*

MAKO: Aaaaargh! Na NEPA?

FAJI: No, na PHCN.

MAKO: *sighs* electricity can never ever be steady in this country. It cant.

FAJI: Never say never bro.

MAKO: You just said “never” twice.

FAJI: Ooh? Since you are counting, you just said it once.

MAKO: *Switches on rechargable lamp* you dey mad? wetin dey worry you?

FAJI: No. Heat.

MAKO: Ehn? Who tell you say heat no dey?

FAJI: Na your question I dey answer. You ask if I dey mad, I say no.
Wetin dey worry me, I say heat.

MAKO: Okay.

FAJI: But na true you talk sha. Electricity can never ever be steady
like ……..W4’s career.

MAKO: Haha. Wait till the guy feature international artiste.

FAJI: Ehen. You are even aware of the silent struggle. It seems like
everybody wanna feature international acts.

MAKO: Yeah. Nowadays, Whenever a Nigerian artiste says or tweets
“Expect something big”, I can’t help but thinking they wanna try the
international route.

FAJI: Blame it all on Dbanj.

MAKO: Was Dbanj the first Nigerian artiste to make that move?

FAJI: I really can’t tell but he is the first to shoot a visual
featuring a main international act.

MAKO: And now everybody is following the trend.

FAJI: Why do I feel like Dbanj is somewhere listening to Nicki Minaj’s
I AM YOUR LEADER.

MAKO: Most likely. Gimme a roster of every nigerian artiste that has
featured an international act.

FAJI: Psquare ft Akon, chop my money remix.

MAKO: Akon though. That guy’s career is going down the drain and he
still got cash to spend on some chic?

FAJI: Well. Well. Well. It is well.

MAKO: In God we trust. I think Duncan Mighty has also featured one Angelina.

FAJI: So?

MAKO: The Angelina is from India.

FAJI: *Sighs* Do you believe that?

MAKO: Well. Well. Well. It is well.

FAJI: In Duncan we trust.

MAKO: Who else?

FAJI: Errrm……. Ice did a thing with Gyptian.

MAKO: Next.

FAJI: Haha. Wizkid and Akon on Don’t Dull remix. Wizkid and Dotstar on
a cover of lil wayne’s No worries. Vector and Mavado on born winner.
Ice got sarkodie and Khuli Chana on Aboki remix, I heard he’s also
working with David Guetta.

MAKO: Sarkodie and Dotstar are nigerian as far as I’m concerned. Khuli
Chana? Forget that guy. David Guetta? I’m sleep.

FAJI: haha. Do you believe in magic? Do you believe in after death?

MAKO: No, why?

FAJI: Olu maintain featured Olivia. The ol’ Olivia from G-unit days.

MAKO: Hmmmm…. Not everybody can be Jesus man.

FAJI: And not everybody is Lazarus. On to the next, heard Samklef and
D black on Suwe remix?

MAKO: nah. I’m really waiting for a dope yankee artiste to feature a
Nigerian artiste.

FAJI: Dbanj was featured on Cruel summer album, on one “the morning”
track. Then Kardinal Offshall featured Wizkid on repping for my city.

MAKO: Dbanj’s vocals were sampled on that track, end of story. I
really like for that repping for my city jam but who’s the blower and
the blowee?

FAJI: haha. Mako you no go kill me. Bruno mars one time said he would
wanna work with Chuddy k. He said his works are beautiful.

MAKO: Chuddy k???

FAJI: We are talking about inner beauty man.

MAKO: OOH! Chuddy kay? I need to hibernate man, I dey go my house.

FAJI: ha. Na so? Bye bye.

Life in the Fart lane

TSC Random Fact: The guy in the “Honeywell Noodles” advert has not known real love and societal acceptance since he appeared on that ad. This is in spite of his dedicated effort to conceal his identity with glasses and a hat. Brethren, Aliens really live amongst us.

We can still recognise you xzewthiys

We can still recognise you xzewthiys

Moving on…

Today’s Post is one of those I-didn’t-mean-to-write-anything typa posts that just hit you randomly. You know those kinda posts that develop while you’re taking a shit or picking beans (as @TheGreyGenesis often experiences). This isn’t my story yeah but I enjoyed it so much, I just had to share.

Don’t be an idiot, ok? Read and enjoy as written by @The_Daywalker_ (Based on real life events)

*****

I have this sudden urge to fart. Not one of those ‘silent but violent’ types, nah son ‘loud and proud’ is the only way I know. Sadly I cannot.

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I am currently at the gym bench pressing about 80kg or thereabouts (ask not how I’m typing this shit at this same time, have you not heard of multi-tasking?) and I really had to dig deep and push through the last few reps. Usually I’d have had no problem farting through the pain but there’s a slight problem you see…probably two.

One. I’m the only guy with about 12 women in this gym, there’s no way they’re not gonna figure out that it’s me.

Two, women have no sense of humour when it comes to such things. They’ll be turning away in disgust and shit like their farts aren’t louder than vuvuzela’s.

Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. (pun not exactly intended)

Niggas will laugh at you and move on. They’ll be like “hahaha, na only 80kg dey make u mess…hahaha, ode”. They’ll then hit you so hard on the back and there and then you’ll test how well you’re familiar with Kegel exercises. Fam, at the impact, you’ll feel the fart about to announce itself but as a G, you just gotta clench them butt cheeks tighter than 50 cents wired jaw. You gotta hold that shit in longer than Mandiba’s incarceration…

*sigh*

I’m just tryna get that Insanity effect going on here…

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This is one of the reasons I have decided that gyms should be gender exclusive(?). Nigga’s should have their own gyms free of non-farting hotties.  I mean, I grew up believing beauties don’t fart. Stop for a moment and try Imagine Beyonce farting? camman, no such foul stench emanates from her nether regions. Beyonce only releases eco-friendly, bio-aiding scents that causes flowers to blossom and butterflies sing. Now replace Beyonce with Wendy williams (lets ignore the fact that he’s really a man), It is almost impossible for Wendy to fart gas, nah her releases are the sample specimens for Timberland’s beats.

What? You think it’s funny? You think it’s not enough reason to segregate fitness facilities based on gender? Oh shut up. I’ve got more.

Have you ever been concentrating on your run on the treadmill. Trying to ignore the burning in your calves and the pain in your chest when suddenly you look at the beautiful pair of D-cups bouncing joyfully beside and (almost) fall off? No? Well fuck you. You weren’t running fast enough.

These women are evil. They come wearing tights and sports bras and shit and expect us to focus. What the fuck?

bryant-gym-meme-generator-complains-about-being-stared-at-bitch-knows-exactly-what-shes-doing-55df8e

Amean, can’t a nigga work out without almost dropping weights on his chest or get hit in the face by the punching bag due to distraction?

I’m tryna just get my six pack so I can go topless at the next TNC pool party not look for reasons to leave my girlfriend.  These women at gyms are just evil. Pure, adulterated, contaminated beings of evil. See, It’s not like I’m not focussed on my goal, It’s just that this oneis here beside me panting and her jugs wanna fly out of her sports bra. I’m racing on my treadmill tryna ensure that if they do fly out, I can rescue them and save her? Isn’t this the dream MLK died for?

The outline of sweat on her even makes it harder, Dear God, is her ass really this taut? Oh what i’ll give to be the sweat drop cascading down that clavicle into the deep, inner crevices beneath thine bra..

I don't care. She's gyming something. idc idc

I don’t care. She’s gyming something. idc idc

OH SHIT! FOCUS!!!

Is this a fart coming, or is this the real shit?

Now this imbecile is doing lunges in front of me while I’m tryna type this shit. Well fuck her, I shall not be moved. Oh wait…did she just…? Oh wow? No she didn’t…Dear God…WTF?

yoga-fart

Out.

@The_Daywalker_