Toasted (Throwback)

This is not funny. This shit actually happened.

One fateful day, I was walking down ma street. Cool breeze, nice weather, it was the kind of day when nothing could go wrong. (Apparently, whenever you have one of those days, just stay at home. Will ya?) Anyway, I was walking down the street when I got approached by this hot “chick”.

Yup. Not the other way around. I got approached. #NoJoke

And “she” went, “I think you’re really cute, and we should get together sometime. Might be worth your while. How about tomorrow night?”

I was startled. Ma jaw wide open, I didn’t know what to tell “her”. I mean, this “girl” was damn fine. The kind I’ll not have the cohonas to approach, asking me on a date.

“She” smiled and went; “gimme a call, here’s my number.”

Then “she” pulled up ma shirt sleeve, took lipstick from “her” purse, and wrote down “her” number on ma fore-arm.

I felt molested and exalted at the same time. I just got toasted by a hot “female”, I mean, how many guys get to say that. But “she” just wrote “her” number down on ma arm. In lipstick! That was unorthodox.

Anyway, the next day, I called “her”. Using ma sexiest masculine tone, and asked “her” where we should meet. “she” gave me an address, I got ready, and went to “her” crib.

So I get up to the chick’s crib, which isn’t too far from mine, “she” welcomes me, asks me to feel at home, and offers me a drink.

Now, many of my friends have drugged girls that happened to stroll into their domot. I forgot that in this situation, I was the girl. In more ways than one, as I was soon to find out.

“She” brought the drinks and we toasted to new friendship. Ah! Had I known.

Here comes the good part. “she” sits on ma lap, and we start kissing. 5 minutes later, we moved on to touching. Next thing, we’re in 3rd base.

“She” takes off the buttons on ma shirt, and unbuckles my belt. Then “she” kneels on the floor, brings out ma dick, and literally blows my mind.

I’m ecstatic! Feeling like a female Preying Mantis. Best head I’ve ever had!

This is where things get a little confusing. A little.

“She” gets up, wipes “her” lips, unbuckles “her” own belt, and whips out a dick that’s bigger than mine, and says in the most masculine voice I’ve ever heard;

“Your turn bitch!”

Pause.

I know you’ve been wondering why the words “she”, “girl”, “her” and “female” have been in quotes since.

Well, now you know.

Apparently, I was about to have sex with a she-male. But enough about me let’s get back to the story.

“Your turn bitch!”

I scream!!!!!! Then I pull up ma pants and make for the door!

“She” is faster!

“She” grabs hold of ma legs and says; “you aint going nowhere bitch! I didn’t just blow you for fun, you better get on your knees and toss my salad.”

At this point, I am frantic! I begin to kick and push and shove and yell;

“I am nobody’s bitch! I will not toss ur salad! I am not sucking anyone’s dick!! No way! No way!!”

“She” is really strong. “she” overpowers me and strips me naked, and just as “she” is about to stick “her” 7-inch dick in ma asshole, I wake up!

I sat on the floor. Drenched in sweat. Happy it was just a dream, happy that my butt-crack hadn’t been expanded beyond Pluto, happy I didn’t actually just get blown by a “girl”, just plain happy. Till I looked around me.

There are broken bottles and lamps, and vases in the room, and Tedo was standing at the door of the room with a camcorder and a wicked smile.

Tedo: Nigga! Gay ass negro! You dreaming about dropping the soap? Was this one in black and white too?

Me: yeah.

Tedo: You gonna blog about it?

Me: no.

Tedo: *closes cam* Too bad. Now I have to upload this vid on you-tube.

so this is me, blogging about ma third white-and-black dream. Hoping it will stop him from uploading that shameful video of a grown ass man begging to be nobody’s bitch.

Ps: I am not gay. 😐

********

This is a throwback post I did on my first blog. I’m not sure many people read this post, so I decided to bring it back like a…

Yeah. Really good metaphor.

Anyway, this is the end of the series. I guess. (I’m supposed to finish my Green Lantern Series and by Merlin’s beard I will! Feck y’all! ( ˘˘̯)

I have a big announcement to make tomorrow. So you may want to hang around. Maybe.

See y’all tomorrow.

Fairy Fails

I was sitting around doing my daily Rounds of meditation, and a few thoughts crept into my subconscious and opened my mind to things that you homo sapiens have otherwise been oblivious to. You people have been in the dark for far too long yo!

Never fear. Cumical’s here.

I shall further proceed to enlighten you. It’s bad enough that you have no idea about the origins of the childhood stories you grew up to. And yet you stay eating food and breathing air like nothing is wrong! There are subconscious messages in the average storybook, and y’all niggas don’t see this shit?

Tsk tsk. *lights blunt*

Listen close.

We shall begin with by far the most obvious sex scandal of all time. Subtly hidden in the title I might add. I wonder why no one has seen this.

-Little Red Riding Hood
This skank red-haired ho here be wearing red pumps and lingerie, skipping through the forest merrily, looking for some dick.

Yo! Red is by far the worst ho since Snow White.

But that’s a story for another day.

Ain’t no damn wolf in this love story. Shiiit.

Remember Robin Hood? Steal-from-the-rich give-to-the-broke-ass-bitches Robin Hood? Real nigga with the bows and arrows and the really strong hands, and about four hunnid faggots all up in his grill ‘n’ shit? Yeah, that’s the nigga we’re gonna be shedding some light on.

Huddle up niggas. Huddle up.

So Red be doing her daily dick survey yeah? Robin Hood be setting traps for rich niggas in the forest n shit. Red be going “Damn, he fine” skipping merrily t’wards the nigga with her titties all bouncing and what not, goimg “Hey, what big strong hands you have”

Now Robin Hood might be a kind hearted gentleman that gives to the poor and to charity and all, but the wadn’t gon let no pussy slide, nah mean? So he gets his baritone on and goes “The better to fist you with”

Oi! Wole, Tula! Do you see what I did there? No?

Then Red goes “What a strong back you have”

Hood goes “Yeah, work’s all night too”

Red goes “What a big dick you have”

Hood goes “How the fuck did you see that?”

Red goes “Oh I seen you butt nekkid during those regular feasts o’ yours. Yeah, you be hanging that dick on your shoulder n’ shit” and the skank ho starts taking Hood’s shirt off, and his pants and gets on top of him and…

Well, Little Red (starts) Riding Hood.

Bet you didn’t know that, didya? Nah…

You’re welcome. Mortals…

Let’s move on, shall we?

-Rapunzel

Everyone knows Rapunzel was black right? If you didn’t know, then now you do. She lived in a tower with her ‘wicked grandmother’, who never let her go out, she was 18 years old, and she was blacker than Michael Jackson. And guess what other thing she had in common with MJ?

A jerry curl…

Lemme start from the beginning though! Kick some knowledge in this bitch.
Rapunzel’s ‘grandmother’ didn’t need Rapunzel’s hair to look young. She had Dr. 90210 for that shit. Naaah. Rapunzel’s mother was a lesbian yo! And she needed that young blood, that vibrant exotic body. Rapey never got any older than 18, and that was her magic. Not that she could transfer that to anybody or any absurd shit like that.

ALSO (and this is very important), Rapey had a fro. But it wasn’t on her head. It was down south on her tushie. Booyah!
I kid you not. Faggots, I kid you not.
Rapunzel’s grandmother had a standard OTIS lift that took her up and down the tower so she really didn’t need Rapey’s hair to get in and out. So really, every time she said “Rapunzel, let down your hair”, she wanted to have sex.

And believe it or not, Rapey’s vagina fro would become a jerry curl and slide all the way down, parting at the clittoris to reveal that sweet nectar.

Get it? Let down…your hair?

*crowd goes crazy*

*blushing* Shhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! You guys! I’m trying to spit wisdom.

Another thing, is that the fro had voice prompt. So the damn vagina wouldn’t open up for anybody else. So a young horny prince once noticed this shit going on, and recorded Rapey’s grandmother while she was saying “Let down your hair”, and then bust a cap in her, and saved Rapey from the bondage therein. He now had the key to the pussy which he kept locked on his iPod.

You’re welcome yo! You’re welcome.

I’ve got a couple more, but the post is already getting long, so that will be all for today. Cool? Cool. See y’all tomorrow.

Am I free now?

Professor Xavier

We interrupt your daily scheduled program to bring you this disturbing exposé.

This is all fiction.

Or is it…?

Professor Xavier’s ways have been exposed!

Who is Professor Xavier you say?

Well damn? Close this page and be gone from my presence. What are you doing here? Let me just say, that if you never read any comics as a child (not even Supa Strikas) then you probably grew up around child molesters and wankers. No joke. WHAT!?

Anyway, for the benefit of those who might not know, (however few they might be), Professor Xavier is a Marvel Comics superhero who is widely known as the founder, and leader of the X-Men.

If you do not know who the X-Men are, really, I cannot hear you. I’m sorry.

Throughout his comic book career, Xavier is paraplegic. But his body houses one of the most powerful minds in the world, after Jean Grey, and of course David, his grandson. Xavier is a high-level telepath. Meaning he can read, control, and influence human minds. Now see, this here, is the problem.

Reports reaching us have shown that this nigga here has been mind-fucking his mutant students. Literally.

We have reason to report to you that things are not what they seem from the outside. We have been able to garner a few facts that show that Professor Xavier is a telekinetic pedophile. (Imagine the possibilities. You don’t even have to, we’ll bring it to you right here, right now.)

This here is what Xavier does yeah? He gets these young ass kids using this Cerebro  thingy, usually ensuring he gets the youngest he can find, cos this ain’t no normal pussy yo! This is mutant pussy, 5 times more badass. You think I’m lying? Ask Magneto how he feels getting blowjobs from ‘different women’ every day because he has Mystique. But that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, this pedophile Xavier gets them chicks all up in the playboy mansion and gets them in these routines doing kegel exercises and thorough work-out sessions in the name of ‘Developing Your Inner Mutant’. Replace ‘Mutant’ with ‘Freak’ and there is your problem.

Now we all know how good Xavier is. Anyone who has watched any of the X-Men movies knows that he is one of the most powerful. Now you mean this nigga ain’t getting no pussy? With all that power and influence? Bitch please! X-avier is the most X rated mutant yo. Be not deceived. (See what I did there?)

You really think I got these muscles by exercising my mind?

Now I’m not even going to bullshit you. This is his M.O:

He gets the chick in his room, say Storm (cos that bitch be freaky as fuck with the white hair and the lightning and the tight costume, and the curves and them sexy ass lips and…yeah, you get the idea) and he gets off his wheel chair (yes people. The wheel chair is a front. What better way is there to suck your own dick while them females touch their toes) and walks over to her and she lies on the bed and her thighs suddenly be in a long distance relationship. Then he starts blowing her, and he’s not doing a good job, pun intended. And he knows this cos he can read her mind and all that telekinetic shit. So damn, he makes her see fireworks.

No for real people, he’s Xavier. He can make you see Dora the Explorer getting down with King Kong.

So she starts going crazy, and he’s doing all the right things, cos he be all up in her mind ‘n’ shit. A tsunami kills 300 people in South Korea as Storm climaxes, and when he’s done, he wipes his nut off her face, and wipes her memory clean. Storm leaves the office thinking she came to discuss the training routines of the new recruits.

Wash.

Sometimes, he be sitting in the cool of the garden going “I need to get me some head, and I don’t feel like sucking my own dick…who that fine shawty over there?” and some unsuspecting mutant just sees a lollipop hanging in the air. Being a selfish bitch she starts sucking it there and then. Sometimes it’s a dude, but Xavier don’t care. He be getting some head.

Calm down...breathe...That's right bitch. Feel... that 9 inch dick..

Sick bastard…

The only three mutants he doesn’t play with are; Jean (cos she be cock-mind-blocking him ‘n’ shit), Shadow Cat (cos sometimes when he fucks with her mind, her powers be spinning outta control and Prof X’s dick be thumping the bed. Not cool), and Wolverine (for obvious reasons, a simple slip during a handjob could mean disaster). All other mutants have been effectively butt-fucked by the professor, including Magneto. Sometimes the Prof be sending him images of him (Magneto) bent over doggy-style, then he (Xavier) would lick his lips and wink, and that gay stuff freaked Magneto the fuck out. So Magneto had to get a helmet for that shit.

Now you know I would never lie to you. But see, I have no proof for this stuff, cos the Prof does his job well. He be cleaning up every child’s memory before they get the chance to tweet about it. But I have brought it all to the open. If you have any contrary story, feel free to share, but I know I have told the truth!

Never trust a man who's sole interest is helping to develop children.

Amen?