After-Math

Yo!

I’m really not so happy to be here (at work) typing this. See, I’d rather still be on my self-imposed workers holiday because I don’t understand how we get a one day holiday out of more than 200 working days.

Anyway, it could be worse; like having to sing the coldstone song for about 200 days while doing work there as a waiter. So yeah, I’m still thankful for such little mercies.

So um, Back to the matter, Our last post Diss-Course was some sort of creative Insult challenge where we basically asked that you guys come up with creative ONE LINER DISSES. For some unknown reason, a lot of you turned it into sparring sessions devoid of ONE LINERS. As the comments rolled in, all i could do was wonder if we shouldn’t have done a post on “What a one liner is” first.

Very few people stuck to the script of ‘one liners’ The rest of you just ran riot, desperately trying (too) hard. But we love you anyway. So I’m just going to stop the speech and point out some of the interesting disses we came across

Now this sorta explains what I said earlier

1.Capture 2

So, when we had our round table, we couldn’t exactly know which of thevillagebelle’s entries to pick because she sent in so many, though we could easily locate some via google. However the above is proof of her ‘official entry’ so yeah,that’s entry number 1..

There were some others that met the ONE LINER criteria and we shall share them as qualifiers for the final Votes which you guys will decide

2.Capture

Now I don’t know if that was a personal hit but someone remind me to maim @Snikoggs anywhere i meet him.

3. Capture3

Hahaha…The thing about this one is; it’s simple, endearing, yet painful. It seems like honest advice but mehn..LOL

4.  Capture4

Yo!!! I’m not even going to pretend, this is actually my favorite..”with a face like that, you should swear more” Can you see the depth in that? It’s like an onion, a plenty-sided spear. it cuts so deep. Mehn, if anyone tells me this, I’ll just give up on the argument, sit on the ground and evaluate my existence.

5. Capture5HAAYYYYYY!!!!

So, you guys are going to play judge; the stage is set; who gets your vote? thevillagebelle, snikoggs, slevinCalevra, faithclin or Gee?

We want to appreciate you guys for participating. Villagebelle, you had soooo much fun, we’re happy we could somehow brighten your NYSC in Zamfara. That’s what TSC always aims to achieve.

Please use the comment section to vote for who you think should get the Monopoly board among the aforementioned participants

So vote guys, I’ll be back at about 6pm to announce the winner 🙂

Diss-Course

Sirkastiq: Yo Cumical. What’s up? There hasn’t been anything on TSC in a decade.
Cumical: Don’t look at me like it’s my fault. You haven’t given us anything.
Sirkastiq: Such a buck passer. Anyway, I’ve been thinking …
Grey: That’s dangerous.
Sirkastiq: And I had this brilliant idea of a diss post.
Cumical: You think because you thought of it, it’s brilliant right?
Sirkastiq: Of course.
Cumical: You make me sick. So what was the idea?
Sirkastiq: Well, it is kinda easy. And interactive…
Grey: We really don’t have all day Port Man.
Cumical: Good one. So what’s the plan Saka?

Sirkastiq: Well, we ask the audience to give us the best diss one liners they have.
Cumical: Sounds like a great idea.
Grey: Only original stuff of course. No googled shit.
Sirkastiq: So which of you wants to go first?
Cumical: Hey, your mamma’s so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared from plain sight.
Grey: That’s a terrible one Cumical.
Cumical: Your mamma’s so fat she.
Sirkastiq: My mamma can’t be fat and skinny at the same time you idiot.
Cumical: You didn’t let me finish.
Sirkastiq: Shut up Kanye. Your mamma is so ugly, she broke all the mirrors in that JT video just by watching it.
Grey: Oh. My. God.
Sirkastiq: See how it’s done?
Cumical: You didn’t have to go there man
Sirkastiq: No hard feelings. Grey?
Grey: I like you guys. People say I have no taste in friends but I like you guys.
Cumical: Wait.
Sirkastiq: Screw you man.

Grey: Insulting your friends, enemies and family can be fun.
Cumical: especially when you don’t use common insult lines like “You’re crazy or You’re a bastard”
Grey: But sometimes the fun is maximized when you use those common insults then add more adjectives pertaining to your opponent (which may or may not be true) to the basic diss phrases. E.g. “You’re crazy” = Basic. “You’re single, broke and crazy” = Painful. Especially if it’s true.
Sirkastiq: Hell hath no fury like a broke and crazy person who already knows but is being reminded.
Cumical: IT. CAN. PAIN.

Grey: Now, when you add adverbs to show the degree of the adjectives which qualify the basic insult? It’s like setting fire to the rain and making your opponent dance in it. E.g. “You’re helplessly single, hopelessly broke, and irreparably crazy”
Cumical: Don’t do this to anyone who hasn’t mortally offended you though.
Grey: Bants a’ make her dance bruv. Bants are make her dance. But Bants a’ make her twerk when you combine the most common of all insults into simplistic one liners. Hence, where “You’re crazy or You’re a bastard” are common phrases and may not be painful? “You’re a crazy bastard” is a 2 hit Combo. #Science
Sirkastiq: “You’re a Single, crazy bastard” 3 hit combo
Cumical: “You’re a Single, broke, crazy bastard” 4 hit
Grey: Exactly. Then you can add the whole ngwo-ngwo. The adjectives, the adverbs and the combinations into one sweet compound-complex sentence structure.
Sirkastiq, Cumical & Grey: “You’re a helplessly single, hopelessly broke and irreparably crazy bastard”
Cumical: HAAAAAAAAAYYYY.
Grey: That’s not a compound-complex sentence though. Said it was for the purposes of exaggeration and emphasis.

Sirkastiq: True man, I personally enjoy exaggerating my insults the way your humor is.
Cumical: Wait.
Grey: Yup, he just said you have the laughter inducing level of 5 day old sliced bread
Cumical: No No No, you missed the point. Exaggerating? … Like your humor? Get it?
Grey: HAAAAAAAAAAYYY MY GOD
Sirkastiq: Guys, Guys, no fighting here.we’re here for the people remember? So yeah , where were we?
Right, while Insulting people, listen or read the words they say and turn it against them. This helps make them look stupid
Grey: Um..how do YOU read the words they say though?
Cumical: hahahahaha BOOYAH!!!
Sirkastiq: UGH!!!

Cumical: Interrupting people helps knock them off balance and picking holes in their insults gives you the upper hand. Remember to be calm and do not shout as this gives you the look of a man in charge..
Grey: which is something you naturally don’t have bro.
Sirkastiq: #KIRIKATAAAA
Grey: haha, I’m killing y’all like I’m dropping ice bars. Anyway, you don’t always have to swear to have the upper hand while insulting
Cumical: Fuck you!
Grey: Look at that, so bitter
Sirkastiq: #NoLemon

Grey: Take hold of a normal thing and blow it out of proportion like: “something something . I’ll let you think on that but you’ll end up hurting your already absent brain cells”
Cumical: Dear God. That’s a hit straight to the groin
Sirkastiq: But you won’t know anything about that now will you. pussy
Cumical: Wait.
Grey: Anyway, at least now the readers know how it’s done. Can you give us your best one liner diss? Hit as hard as you can.
Cumical: Use the comment box, GO!!!

PS: We’ll give out One Lagos Monopoly Set to the person who comes up with the BEST insult (as judged by 3 of us) No Googled shit please.

Make Me Understand.

DEEEESCLAIMAAARGGHHHHHHHHOIIWVNFDNKVEISUBJVDX!!!!!!!!!

That’s “Disclaimer” by the way.

I love muslims yo! Many of my really close friends are staunch Muslims. And even though some of your brothers be fucking up shit in various parts of the country and the world, I want to believe y’all don’t all have the same mindset.

Some o’ y’all cool as corpses.

So, I have nothing against the Muslims. This is mostly jokes. You know, make dark of a light situation.

Also, I was under the influence. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Matter of fact, I didn’t even write this shit! Take it up with blog admin…

Wait… I am blog admin.

Just read. Okay?

I know y’all going “Damn, a real disclaimer”. Yeah bitches. I don’t want to get shot when I’m peeing on the road or some crazy shit like that. 50 got shot, Biggie got shot, Pac got shot, Cumical can’t even rap.

Believe me, I tried.

See? I tried…

SO I’M JOKING OH!! ABEG!

***

I was sitting around hitting a blunt, when the blunt looked and me and said “You know what I don’t understand? How do suicide bombers get convinced to become suicide bombers? I mean, if I asked you to die while killing people, would you?” and I stared at the blunt and I could only think of one response:

“A talking blunt! This is some good shit!”

Then I fainted, and I dreamt about the recruitment process n shit…

*Cumical leaves his senses*

***

Scene opens with a dude in a turban, a white tee and grey shorts with matching toms who steps into a sound proof room and seals the door. He faces a class of about 15 male students and starts talking.

Suicide Trainer: Do you ignorant fools know why we are here?

First Student: To blow shit up nigguh!

Suicide Trainer: Islam does not permit the use of expletives infidel. I ask again, does anyone know why we are here.

Student: I’m guessing we finna make some money?

Suicide Trainer: Did you read the sign on the door before you applied for this?

Student: Nah, I read the invitation on twitter

Suicide Trainer: Nigga what? There was an invitation on twitter?

Student: Yeah dawg. Some @BokoHaram_ dude tweeted that if we wanted to make money for our families; we should show up for a training program and what not. And that we will be rewarded in the life that is important ‘n’ shit.

Suicide Trainer: So you have no idea why you are here? Nobody?

Student in turban: We’re here to defend ourselves, and kill the infidels!

Suicide Trainer: That’s what I’m talmbout niccuh! High five!

Student in front: For real? That’s why we’re here?

Suicide Trainer: That’s what’s on the menu, yes. Are you in or out?

Student: Depends. What’s in it for us?

Suicide Trainer: *sigh* The human nature. Well first, your families will be rewarded. Richly, we will ensure their safety, and their comfort. We will make sure that they enjoy the finer things in life. It really is…

Student: I’m not sure you heard me sir. I asked what was in it for us. Let me be more specific. What’s in it for ME?

Suicide Trainer: Oh, well… nothing. You die ‘n’ shit.

Student: You’re kidding right. I yell some stuff and fly into a building and that’s it? I don’t get nothing? I just…die?

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…Yeah.

Student: That’s some ol’ bullshit nigga. I’m out.

*gets up to leave and is followed by some others in support*

Suicide Trainer: Well, you do stand to win one thing…

Students: What?

Suicide Trainer: *lowers voice* Bitches…

Student in the back: I KNEW THERE WERE SOME BENEFITS! FRINGE BENEFITS MA NIGGA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALMBOUT! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THIS AT FIRST? HOT DAMN! I’M FINNA GET ME SOME…

Suicide Trainer: SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Other Student in the front: Yo! Break it down, what kinda bitches? White bitches? Black bitches? East Indian bitches? Australian bitches? Asian bitches? Big booty bitches? Flat titty bitches? Be specific ma nig…

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…all kinds of bitches.

Student: How many? Cos ma fantasy has always been having more than two bitches at a time yo!

Suicide Trainer: Calm yo Islamic titties.

Student: WE’RE WASTING QUALITY TIME WITH BITCHES YO…

Suicide Trainer: 5 bitches.

Student: Nigga, I ALREADY got mo’ than 5 bitches! Shit, I got 5 bitches waiting for me at home right now.

Suicide Trainer: Did I say 5? I meant 50.

Random Student: Don’t lie to us dawg. What’s the actual number? 5 or 50? Let us know!? Give us a straight figure!

Suicide Trainer: *sighs* Let’s see. *counts in the air* 72.

Student: Did you say seven to two? Anything less than 10, and we out niccuh!

Suicide Trainer: Seven-ty-two

Student: Seve…seventy two bitches? Hot damn!

Suicide Trainer: Yeah nigga, Did I mention they were virgins?

Student: 72 Virgin bitches?

Suicide Trainer: Yep! 72 bitches. With big ass titties n shit! Got that body so soft they call her “Body so soft”. So…are you in or out?

*students who were standing all take their seats*

Suicide Trainer: Good. We shall begin. First, we will put you on airplanes with no emergency eject seats, so y’all don’t bitch out in the last minute n all that. Next, we will…

***

*Cumical comes back to his senses*

And this, my friends is how recruits are gathered to me. I put myself in their shoes, and in my head, I could not come up with any LOGICAL explanation as to why a fully grown (sometimes educated), common-sense-having human being with brain matter between his earlobes would lay down his life for the sole purpose of destroying others’ except that he was looking forward to some virgin pussy like Joseph.

Well, I hope you don’t get disappointed…like Joseph.

As a matter of fact, you will, but let’s just assume you don’t get disappointed. You get to ‘heaven’ to meet 72 bitches with their hymens fully present. (I’m guessing they died as virgins on earth? Or they are beings specially created for the pleasure of your penis?) Say you focus on one new virgin every week, in 504 days (roughly a year and a half), you’re done with virgin pussy.

What next nigga?

You have orgies? Awesome. #Winning

Give or take, two years down the line in eternity, even if you’re having sex once a day, you’ve done every style imaginable, and penetrated every hole conceivable, counting ear holes, nostrils and even down to sweat pores.

You. Sick. Bastard…

So 3 years of mind blowing sex.

Then what?

Eternity. Is. Forever.

Y’all niggas gotta chill. Here’s what I suggest:

The government oughta get some virgins all up in a building n shit. Potential Suicide Bombers walk in, pick 72 of them bitches, and walk the fuck out. No harm done and what not. I’m telling you. Start the Give-The-Bombers-Some-Pussy™ initiative. Matter of fact, put me in charge. I’ll manage that shit so well, we’ll all be in peace.

Imma write the proposal tonight!

Okay, this is all jokes, but really. What’s the point of the suicide bombings? I understand that these folk are trying to pass a message across and what not, and that’s an issue for another day. How does a man become convinced to fly into a building with bombs all around his balls if not for afterlife punani? If that’s not the reason, how come there aren’t many female suicide bombers?

Explain this to me.