The Story of R Kelly

Quick Bio

Name: Robert Sylvester Kelly

Profession: Singer, Song writer, Producer,Amateur Movie Director

Hobbies: Writing hits, believing he can fly, luring underaged women, oh, and camcorders!



Robert Sylvester Kelly, popularly known by his RnB name, R Kelly, or the King of RnB, or Kels, or the Pied Piper, or “Don’t leave your girl around me. I mean girl like little girl. Nigga I ain’t playin” is an American singer, songwriter, record producer and you won’t believe it, former professional basketball player.

Kels was born in Chicago in 1967 and he saw his rise to fame in 1989 with the group MGM after they won $100,000 on Big Break. Then he just happened to drop “I Believe I Can Fly”.

And won 3 Grammys off of that shit.

Since then, R Kelly has sold over 60 million albums. And just to put it in perspective, the great Kanye has only sold 21 million albums. And your WCW, Drake, has only sold about 10 million. So you see, Kels was no kid in this industry.

In 1993, R Kelly released Bump n Grind. This might have been the defining moment in his career. Then a decade later, in 2003, he dropped Ignition Remix (a song originally made by Bow Wow, in which R Kelly featured but remixed and re-invented). Your aunt probably popped her cherry to this song fam, no jokes. It was either this or Bump n’ Grind. Point is, the mothers of our generation grew up knowing and loving Sly Kelly and probably didn’t think anything of it when they saw their little girls stepping in the name of love…

But you see, men are scum.



Cos “age ain’t nu’n but a number”

In 1994, we woke up to news that Ser Kels had taken himself a bride, a fair maiden. A fair…underaged…maiden: The lovely Aaliyah. We were like “ain’t she like….12?” but then we got hit with a marriage certificate that said Aaliyah was 18 at the time.

Marriage Cert

But a quick Google search said homegirl was born in ’79 though.

Age Info

The math didn’t add up back then, but the album title gave clarity to the whole situation.

Album art

We see you in the back there Kels. We see you. That girl was fifteen at the time and see, Kels was 27. We also have to give a special shout out to Reverend Nathan J. Edmond, who joined the two in rather unholy matrimony. For shame sir… For shame.

This was the first sign of scumminess that was displayed. But he was about to release his self titled album “R Kelly” so we ignored and got ready for turn up.


Two years later, before his bride was barely 18, we woke up to another lawsuit that Kels was slammed with. This time an aggrieved Tiffany Hawkins stepped forward like “Heyyyyyyy ya honor! Y’all not gon belieeee dis! Ya boy Kels really been turning all the way up in some teenage cooch! I’m telling’ you! I seent it with my own eyes! I done felt it with my own thighs. $10 million ya honor!”

Allegedly, Kels had been engaging in group sexual intercourse with (her) and other minors. Meaning he specifically told his pimp “I’m talking young like real young nigga. I’m talking ‘bout that CTY shit nigga. That Sweet Sixteen shit, namsayin’? I don’t wanna see no 19 year olds in my hotel room when I come in. And them opinionated 28 – 36 year olds better get the fuck out my lobby ‘fore I get back, ya hurd? I’m on my Arya Stark shit nigga. Ask about me”

The suit was later settled for $250,000 in 1998, but by then we all began to see a pattern like a striped tie on a striped shirt.


R Kelly could have bought himself an entire island off of the money he’d made from his collaborations with Jigga and Charlie of the Chocolate Factory but he decided to take the Hollywood route and get himself a little camcorder.

And so it came to pass in 2002, that a video showing Kelly allegedly engaging in sexual activity with a 14 year old girl (as at the time of the video) just managed to find its way to a courtroom. What that video was doing existing in the first place, we do not know. 6 years later, Kelly was found not guilty and acquitted of all 14 charges.

R Kelly would turn back the hands of time, if he could. But by this time we had all figured…

Yep. That nigga did that shit..


Earlier that same year, a young lady named Patrice Jones filed a $50,000 suit against Kels saying he smashed her when she was 16. this was after yet another lady, named Tracy Sampson, came out in 2001, to say Kelly smashed when she was 17.

However, things started to look up for R Kelly. In 2002, Montina Woods sued Kels for making a sex tape of them engaging in the act in a Chicago music studio. She was 33 at the time. Kelly settled the case. Then earlier in 2017, we heard that he had taken a Sheriff’s wife called Asia Childress and turned her into his hoe.

Convinced that Kelly had finally been cured of his oh-so-special case of teenage fever, we Happy People joked about these incidents and laughed it off. And we all thought that would be the end of all the underaged drama we had associated R Kelly with.

But we should have known from the first 5 letters in that that last victim’s surname that the worst wasn’t over.


A couple of days ago, Kelly was accused of having multiple women of barely legal age in a “cult,” according to allegations detailed by BuzzFeed.

Apparently, three former members of his cult – Cheryl Mack, Kitti Jones, and Asante McGee – got their “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” on and decided to snitch on his ass like crazy. They came out saying that the singer has six women at his Chicago and Atlanta homes and “controls every aspect of their lives” like what they was, how they dress, what they look, and of course, who they sleep with.

Cheryl, Kitti and Asante made claims implying that the inmates in Kelly’s ‘cult prison’ have to ask for food, and have to ask to go to the bathroom. And while all these allegations of barely legal women trapped in his closet were being dropped, Kelly’s rep responded denying the allegations. But we all know…


As much as we would absolutely love to exonerate Kelly of the blame and inculpate that devilish camcorder for manipulating him to film all these sexual escapades of him with barely legal women, we still have to give him some of the credit for the hard, relentless work he’s clearly been doing on the Down Low. Tireless work really, so we must commend him for his uncanny ability to fly below the legal radar and come out unscathed.

While his mates were recording sound bites, he was recording underaged booty. While they were While they were busy clearing samples, ma nigga Kels was clearing memory space for more vids.

And R Kelly continues to fish in the SS2 section of his fanbase.

Robert Kelly is still selling out shows and events, to this day. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that he, just like most men, is scum.

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