Mus(ny)C

It’s a crazy world we live in and it seems to get crazier as days pass. I don’t understand it one bit. Has crazy become the new cool?

Welcome to TSC and a new segment we’re test running. It’s called “Opinions” You know the good thing about this segment? Your opinion is highly sought and appreciated but not necessarily needed and that’s because it’s your opinion and we can do what tha hell we decide to do with it, Yes, it’s our prerogative. So how does this work exactly? Um..i haven’t really got a hang of it yet but I promise I’d work something out.

Here’s my reason for this post: I consider myself an avid follower of the Nigerian music scene and I love me some Naij jamz, matter of fact allow me burst your bubble a bit. I know some of you have imagined me as that sweet guy that will lay roses at your feet while singing Trey Songs or the romantic “serve me breakfast in bed while Maxwell plays in the background dude?” Fa fa fa? Fawo! I’m that nigga that’ll have you kako-bi-chickeing all day and all night till you can’t kontrol yourself.

So yes, Naija music. What is really going on? Are we getting better or just releasing a pile load of shit that is danceable? Remember the days of Onyeka Onwenu’s “Iyogogo” Damn, many of us didn’t understand what she was saying but we just knew it was good music. It made us feel like we were in some garden with Unicorns, butterflies n shit, skipping happily to the tune and smiling in solidarity with her own smile…There was no weed then so that couldn’t have been it.  The days of Blackky where he respected “Rosie” enough to ask her for a dance. A DANCE O! DANCE!!! Today, whaddowegot? May D, showing us how to cut to the chase: “Would you like to tinghenghen?” I’m not even going to start with that question that is all in our heads sigh…No I don’t know what tinghenghen means but it’s provocative.

Go figure…like GO!!! FIGURE!!!

I’ve decided to do some of you a favour. I know the job market isn’t favourable and more people are trying to put their talents to use. You have finally realised that you have been called to the music industry. Forget the fact that your knowledge of music is as vast as Rick Ross’ knowledge of slums in Nigeria.

Yessir…that’s what slums do. Ungh!

Ignore also the fact that you think that the Tonic Solfa is a new brand of Schweppes. You have decided to go into music because the Nigerian music scene is shit and you are the saviour we silently crave. I am here to help you.

How to make it BIG in the Naij Music scene

Thisclaimer: Based on my non existent experience in the music industry and the fact that I have worldwide connections (visit my linkedIn page), Every point I shall share here is guaranteed to work as long as they are strictly adhered to. If they don’t work, do a Zidane.

  • 1. Remember to shout “it’s your boy/girl” when you release that single. It doesn’t matter if no one knows who you are. It’s essential you connect to your imaginary fan base. Do not be fazed by the fact that the only people that believe in you are actually your partner (who is hoping you’ll blow so he/she can move up the ladder of success) Ensure you Shout this at every opportunity. If you are not sure of your sex, a good phrase will be “it’s me again” Yes, it also doesn’t matter that it’s your first time.
  • 2. You must also let us know that you’ve come a long way. Saying “it’s been a long time coming” is a good way to achieve this. Of course, it don’t matter that you decided to enter the music scene after reading on Leenda ikaygees blog that Davido (your mate) bought a N2million necklace. Let us know that you’ve been in this long time and this is it finally.
  • 3. Depending on your genre of music…you know what scratch that. No matter what you’re singing, use words that don’t make sense. Statistics have shown that the more gibberish you throw into your songs, the more appreciated it is. Ask Orezi, D’prince and May D.

Need i say more?

  • 4. You know you must HAVE a Twitter account, right? Even if you won’t tweet shit (which I advise), get your friends or the members of the Twitter cabal to help hype your song. What? Its crap? Do they care? They actually won’t listen to it but they have the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Grease palms a bit and voila! Oh! While you’re at it, go to some nice studio and get album art done. SHUT UP! I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE AN ALBUM!!!
  • 5. Now that people have hopefully DL’d and listened to your art. Note: Use words like “art” instead of “music, song” to show how deep you are, Ignore the haters. Haters gon’ hate. They aren’t of the same intellectual level as you are so their opinion is shit. Make CD copies of your songs and take to radio stations. Note you have to start with the ones that don’t mind helping out new folk. Places like Maulag FM, Wazobia FM.
  • 6. Woot Woot!! Your song was sampled on Maulag FM. Who’s the star now? Nigga you don did it *chest bump* ungh!!!  You gotta hype that shit. Get your friend to take pictures of your studio time and put it up everywhere; facebook, Twitter, make flyers. Let people know you’ve arrived niccur. YEAH!
  • 7. Now, let’s make a video. C’mon man, the Nigerian music scene isn’t complete without videos. SEXY GIRLS. Tell your sister, girlfriend, fellow church usher to invite her friends for your house party. I understand that there’s no money.  Oh you squat? No biggie, find some friend, that’s what they’re there for. Promise him some position when you blow, Manager or a Sina Rambo, B-red kinda role. yes. So all set, now the girls, If you tell them to come for a video shoot, they’ll be expecting some form of payment. Invite them for a party and let your song be playing loudly in the background. Make sure your invisible friend is filming it all.
  • 8. No matter how broke you are, you MUST buy or rent plenty bottles of champagne, drinks etc. What? You don’t have to do much. Make sure you pop ONLY ONE. Your cameraman must get that exact shot; where the bottle pops. If you can lay your hands on any hard currency also, make sure it shows. Be careful how you throw it around tho, you don’t want any note to miss.
  • 9. Repeat major words in the songs. The phrases you want people to easily remember must be repeated often, you know they say “repetition enhances remembering” Yes. don’t make them bleh like “Sengemenge or Okpekete” Make sure they are things that can be used in daily banter like “ghen ghen” and “sinzu” You don’t even have to come up with a new one. Do a Wizkid and put ALL into your song.
  • 10. At the end of the song, do a shout out. Tell us the name of your DJ, shout out to your ‘fans’ in the abroad, your record label, Shout out to your “fellow artistes” who are NOT in the song. Who said you can’t famz? Abeg, na their papa press the coal tar?

Look at you now; Such a big boy in the music industry. Thank me later. So yeah, I think I’ve done my bit of CSR to last me some time. What can you say about our music? Are we all about beats and low on quality of lyrics? I mean we all know D’banj can’t sing to save his life. Nigga couldn’t even construct lyrics for that “Kukere” remix. Please what is “when I ride to the club in my Aston Martin/ Girls gettin’ nasty after Remy Martin/ chilling in VIP with Obafemi Martin” #IsItByForce? Since he parted with DonJazzy, it seems like his career has done a moonwalk. Am I the only one that sees the koko master becoming a TV presenter on “jara” soon?

There are hopeful bright spots though.I mean I love May D and his ability to make razz look so cool, I love “ajebutter” and his fresh house sound, There are the Nnekas, Wizkids, dares, Naeto Cs, Efas  but I don’t understand the okpekete’s of this earth. Sigh…this is getting long. I’m going to end here not because I want to but because this is becoming longer than planned. Maybe I’ll do a sequel…

Share your opinions and feel free to drop some success nuggets.

Peace and Chicken Grease.

Sirkastiq.

Make Me Understand.

DEEEESCLAIMAAARGGHHHHHHHHOIIWVNFDNKVEISUBJVDX!!!!!!!!!

That’s “Disclaimer” by the way.

I love muslims yo! Many of my really close friends are staunch Muslims. And even though some of your brothers be fucking up shit in various parts of the country and the world, I want to believe y’all don’t all have the same mindset.

Some o’ y’all cool as corpses.

So, I have nothing against the Muslims. This is mostly jokes. You know, make dark of a light situation.

Also, I was under the influence. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Matter of fact, I didn’t even write this shit! Take it up with blog admin…

Wait… I am blog admin.

Just read. Okay?

I know y’all going “Damn, a real disclaimer”. Yeah bitches. I don’t want to get shot when I’m peeing on the road or some crazy shit like that. 50 got shot, Biggie got shot, Pac got shot, Cumical can’t even rap.

Believe me, I tried.

See? I tried…

SO I’M JOKING OH!! ABEG!

***

I was sitting around hitting a blunt, when the blunt looked and me and said “You know what I don’t understand? How do suicide bombers get convinced to become suicide bombers? I mean, if I asked you to die while killing people, would you?” and I stared at the blunt and I could only think of one response:

“A talking blunt! This is some good shit!”

Then I fainted, and I dreamt about the recruitment process n shit…

*Cumical leaves his senses*

***

Scene opens with a dude in a turban, a white tee and grey shorts with matching toms who steps into a sound proof room and seals the door. He faces a class of about 15 male students and starts talking.

Suicide Trainer: Do you ignorant fools know why we are here?

First Student: To blow shit up nigguh!

Suicide Trainer: Islam does not permit the use of expletives infidel. I ask again, does anyone know why we are here.

Student: I’m guessing we finna make some money?

Suicide Trainer: Did you read the sign on the door before you applied for this?

Student: Nah, I read the invitation on twitter

Suicide Trainer: Nigga what? There was an invitation on twitter?

Student: Yeah dawg. Some @BokoHaram_ dude tweeted that if we wanted to make money for our families; we should show up for a training program and what not. And that we will be rewarded in the life that is important ‘n’ shit.

Suicide Trainer: So you have no idea why you are here? Nobody?

Student in turban: We’re here to defend ourselves, and kill the infidels!

Suicide Trainer: That’s what I’m talmbout niccuh! High five!

Student in front: For real? That’s why we’re here?

Suicide Trainer: That’s what’s on the menu, yes. Are you in or out?

Student: Depends. What’s in it for us?

Suicide Trainer: *sigh* The human nature. Well first, your families will be rewarded. Richly, we will ensure their safety, and their comfort. We will make sure that they enjoy the finer things in life. It really is…

Student: I’m not sure you heard me sir. I asked what was in it for us. Let me be more specific. What’s in it for ME?

Suicide Trainer: Oh, well… nothing. You die ‘n’ shit.

Student: You’re kidding right. I yell some stuff and fly into a building and that’s it? I don’t get nothing? I just…die?

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…Yeah.

Student: That’s some ol’ bullshit nigga. I’m out.

*gets up to leave and is followed by some others in support*

Suicide Trainer: Well, you do stand to win one thing…

Students: What?

Suicide Trainer: *lowers voice* Bitches…

Student in the back: I KNEW THERE WERE SOME BENEFITS! FRINGE BENEFITS MA NIGGA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALMBOUT! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THIS AT FIRST? HOT DAMN! I’M FINNA GET ME SOME…

Suicide Trainer: SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Other Student in the front: Yo! Break it down, what kinda bitches? White bitches? Black bitches? East Indian bitches? Australian bitches? Asian bitches? Big booty bitches? Flat titty bitches? Be specific ma nig…

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…all kinds of bitches.

Student: How many? Cos ma fantasy has always been having more than two bitches at a time yo!

Suicide Trainer: Calm yo Islamic titties.

Student: WE’RE WASTING QUALITY TIME WITH BITCHES YO…

Suicide Trainer: 5 bitches.

Student: Nigga, I ALREADY got mo’ than 5 bitches! Shit, I got 5 bitches waiting for me at home right now.

Suicide Trainer: Did I say 5? I meant 50.

Random Student: Don’t lie to us dawg. What’s the actual number? 5 or 50? Let us know!? Give us a straight figure!

Suicide Trainer: *sighs* Let’s see. *counts in the air* 72.

Student: Did you say seven to two? Anything less than 10, and we out niccuh!

Suicide Trainer: Seven-ty-two

Student: Seve…seventy two bitches? Hot damn!

Suicide Trainer: Yeah nigga, Did I mention they were virgins?

Student: 72 Virgin bitches?

Suicide Trainer: Yep! 72 bitches. With big ass titties n shit! Got that body so soft they call her “Body so soft”. So…are you in or out?

*students who were standing all take their seats*

Suicide Trainer: Good. We shall begin. First, we will put you on airplanes with no emergency eject seats, so y’all don’t bitch out in the last minute n all that. Next, we will…

***

*Cumical comes back to his senses*

And this, my friends is how recruits are gathered to me. I put myself in their shoes, and in my head, I could not come up with any LOGICAL explanation as to why a fully grown (sometimes educated), common-sense-having human being with brain matter between his earlobes would lay down his life for the sole purpose of destroying others’ except that he was looking forward to some virgin pussy like Joseph.

Well, I hope you don’t get disappointed…like Joseph.

As a matter of fact, you will, but let’s just assume you don’t get disappointed. You get to ‘heaven’ to meet 72 bitches with their hymens fully present. (I’m guessing they died as virgins on earth? Or they are beings specially created for the pleasure of your penis?) Say you focus on one new virgin every week, in 504 days (roughly a year and a half), you’re done with virgin pussy.

What next nigga?

You have orgies? Awesome. #Winning

Give or take, two years down the line in eternity, even if you’re having sex once a day, you’ve done every style imaginable, and penetrated every hole conceivable, counting ear holes, nostrils and even down to sweat pores.

You. Sick. Bastard…

So 3 years of mind blowing sex.

Then what?

Eternity. Is. Forever.

Y’all niggas gotta chill. Here’s what I suggest:

The government oughta get some virgins all up in a building n shit. Potential Suicide Bombers walk in, pick 72 of them bitches, and walk the fuck out. No harm done and what not. I’m telling you. Start the Give-The-Bombers-Some-Pussy™ initiative. Matter of fact, put me in charge. I’ll manage that shit so well, we’ll all be in peace.

Imma write the proposal tonight!

Okay, this is all jokes, but really. What’s the point of the suicide bombings? I understand that these folk are trying to pass a message across and what not, and that’s an issue for another day. How does a man become convinced to fly into a building with bombs all around his balls if not for afterlife punani? If that’s not the reason, how come there aren’t many female suicide bombers?

Explain this to me.

Changes.

Well…

Hey people,

Yeah i know, Have you heard? No? Yes? Where on God’s green (red if you’re in Edo state) earth have you been? So you mean you haven’t heard? Ah well, see that picture up there? I’m pretty sure you must have seen a similar something some days or weeks ago. Oh you remember now? Good. Well it just so happens that we were tired of being innovators and allowed others to have a feel of being ahead.

I know what you’re thinking but your father’s great grand Uncle is the one that’s a plagiarist. Thank you. You’re welcome. Do not mention, it’s my pleyor.

What? you don’t know what TSC is? ok. For those of you who are probably new here and are wondering, first of all, you should definitely delete your social network accounts, empty your bank account to one whose details i shall furnish soon, and then write a 400 page account of why your life is the way it is.

Such effrontery.

aaaaaanyway, TSC is a collaborative blog jointly run by Terdoh, Dammy and Myself. aka (the tweep formerly known as ) Cumical, TheGreyGenesis and (the tweep who we don’t know what he is/would be/if he would be but is/was known as) Sirkastiq. We don’t mean to brag but this is the number one go-to site for Humor and all that stuff. This isn’t bragging, we have awards and statistics to show for it. So yeah that’s who we are and we just want to make some announcements.

Don’t dare exit this page. We know your Ip address.

You know what they say about change and how it’s the only constant thing? You also know that’s crap right because fares actually vary depending on where you’re headed and how much you give the conductor. So yeah, talking about destinations, we have embarked on some changes geared towards taking us to our desired destination which will become clear as we proceed. Truth is we aren’t so sure where we are going but spontaneity is fun right?

So yeah, to suit our ongoing re-branding which our sister site TNC has also adopted (abi copied…We see you Tula), we have made the following changes:

1. Our domain name shall now be http://www.tscng.wordpress.com The previous url: http://www.sirkastiq.wordpress.com henceforth becomes inactive though we still have control over it. We could have proven our big boy status by getting our own personal domain like our sisters at TNC but we don’t wanna oppress them. so remember the address, bookmark and share http://www.tscng.wordpress.com

2. The Site name remains TSC, although this has been slightly modified to “The Sarcastic Center” rather than its former moniker “The Sirkastiq Centre” This is because, we need to reflect the site as a community rather than the sole property of an individual. Remember that we are now a group of idiots running this.

3. We are developing a logo. Fuck you. We need content to fill up these numbers so yes, we might as well tell you what we are working on *rozay grunt*

4. We just (some minutes ago) opened a Twitter handle @TheSarcasticCtr Please follow us as we shall um…you know these things and Yes, we shall follow back and share candy too.

5. We (most likely) will be introducing “new” writers (yes RaliaDsugarGirl and etc) and/or sections. all for your pleasure. We do this for the people and to boost our corporate social responsibility portfolio. Yes some of us have eventual political ambitions.

6. We might even start organizing events like um…”The Sarcastic Convos,” “Wet and Wild” etc. Please these ideas are all originals and have been registered and trademarked. Indiscriminate use by any body or organisation will attract legal action.

7. All of Cumicals posts (previously on Cumical anecdotes) can be found on the new site so yeah…YEAH! sadly, we can’t find Cumical himself anymore on the stweets. sigh…This Mysterious life. Somebody will just wake up one day and delete his Twitter just like that. Hian! Wonders!

8. We need sponsors. Do we have to spell it out? ok. S-P-ON-SAWS We are open to giving out stuff to our dear readers so feel free to contact us for that. Pls Note: anything less than N1500 credit will be considered mobilization fee and would not be given out. So being the center for all things humorous and downright ridiculous, you can be sure that our reach is longer than MTN’s epileptic 9am-9pm BIS service. Let the Lord bless you and let us use you.

So yeah, if you didn’t get this mail automatically, then we suggest you follow the blog by adding your e-mail to the place somewhere on the site that asks you to add your e-mail. Incase you are still wondering why things have changed, I can only conclude that you are among the people that supported OBJ’s third term agenda.

Prepare for more awesome stuff from on here. We won’t disappoint. Know why? We really are just awesome like that. If you like argue, we are entirely heart broken by your feelings.

So that’s about it.

TSC yo!