Signs & Wonders

Every year, there’s some prophetic declaration that Pastors pronounce. It doesn’t even matter if they hear from God. You know, because, sometimes the lord might be busy handling other important stuff like the war in the middle east, Donald Trump’s wig or Vic -O. Hence it’s a general occurrence when they (the pastors) follow the spirit (alcohol) and make these pronouncements under the influence.

One of the most common ones is “The year of Signs & Wonders”. The thing about this is that, whatever happens must be a sign or wonder. It must sha fall into one of the categories, so pastors can’t go wrong with this.

On that note, welcome to 2016 – A year of signs and wonders. In case you’re looking for a sign, they are everywhere. This year, you will not experience bewilderment and utter flummoxation! You will not look at a sign and wonder “The fuck?” Your signs will be clearer than Toke’s skin magnified and projected on HD. Better say Amen!

Now, there’s a set of human-like living things who apart from the above mentioned pastors, occasionally put up sign posts – usually warnings, or advertisement of their services or shops and how they can be located. ‎I call them human-like because (opposed to normal humans) their signs almost always carry the most ridiculous contents

Of course I took pictures of them. Help me understand these signs because I’m sure the people who put some of them up meant them as jokes…

 

I almost drove into the car ahead when i saw this

“Fuckenizer?” That’s definitely a hybrid vulcanizer fuck boy right? Like, I’m coming. Are the tyres a representation of his rubber size? Is he trying to say he’s going to need something that huge to…? Someone abeg, call the number.

The CROCAT. You know… Half Croc, half Cat. Tastes so good in peppersoup

 

Their God, their Mother

There’s several interpretations to this one. Is God their mother? Is the barbing salon co-owned by God and his mother? What’s the sharing formula? And why the fuck are they also into wears and accessories? Here’s something similar Sirkastiq found on Google

This one probably sells the barbing salons alongside clothing materials.

Rechard your phones right here bruv.

Who is rechard and why are we bying him/her/it a card?

Yeah, so I know you’re like a Mollusc and you don’t really come out of your house except when work or worship calls, or when you’ve set your place on fire (again) trying to cook that dope ass Egusi you saw on IG.

But if occasionally, you do? You’ll notice there are other actual living things situated around you‎. These living things have houses too, cars too, and they go to work, worship and cook Egusi too.

So let’s share. What are some of the most ridiculous signs you’ve seen. Pictures will be awesome.

Have a great year ahead guys

• Grey

 

Hello…

No I’m not going to answer, so I’m just going to continue ignoring her and go straight to the post we have. If she does contact you, please just tell her – no I don’t want to meet to go over anything and yes I’m still in Nigeria where nothing happens.

Now you people think that most of the mad people are out on the streets. It’s actually a lie. The one that wrote this for instance – confirmed looney. But then again, so are the rest of us on the team.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Caitlyns and Wendy Williamses, welcome back @TheGreyGenesis

*******

*Pastor dances onto Altar while choir chants Hosanna*

Pastor: Praaaaaaise the Lord! It’s testimony time. With me on the altar today is Brother Chidi. Bro Chidi, please share what the Lord has done for you with us today.

Bro Chidi: Prai -Prai – Praaaaaaise the Lord!

Pastor remember when you asked us to see the positive sides of dreams and believe with all of our hearts that they would come to pass?

Pastor: Uhm, I think so… yes. go on.

Bro Chidi: Well Pastor, I’ve realised that truly, when the Lord is about to bless you tremendously, it will come as a dream.

Pastor: Yes, yes. When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, they were as those who dreamed! Go on Bro, Go on!

Bro Chidi: Pastor at the beginning, I had no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life, no—

Pastor: errr… *chuckles nervously* But then the Lord came to your aid?

Bro Chidi: well, then one day on my way to Church, I received a phone call. It was one of the most profitable international huuuuge ICT companies I had applied to work with for years with no results…

Pastor: (sensing miraculous punchline coming) SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAAAAY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!

Pastor: Go on brother Chidi.

Bro Chidi: Well, they were only calling to let me know that not only was I unqualified for the job, but that I wasn’t the type of person their Company would ever hire. Ever.

Pastor: It is well o.

Bro Chidi: Yes Pastor. So there I was, dejected and feeling depressed after the call. Then a thought hit me. I realised I recognised the voice of the company’s call‎er. Sounded like the voice of Uche, an old University mate from waaaaay back. So I impulsively dialled the number back. ‎To my surprise it was him. He was so happy to hear from me when I reintroduced myself. He only knew me as ‘Chidoski the Lowski’ back in school. Uche was now the Vice President of the company’s HR Department. In summary Pastor, after meeting up with Uche a week later, I explained my plight to him, and he promptly approved the position for me. Pastor, I received my appointment letter as a P.R ambassador to this multibillion $ company. Complete with 6 figure salary, a brand new apartment in Lekki, and a brand new Range Rover Sports as bonus package!

*Congregation goes Berserk*

*Pastor rolls around on Altar in celebration*

*Choir screams lyrics of I have seen the downfall of Satan*

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT I AM NEXT IN LIIIIIIINE!!!

*Congregation screams*

Pastor: Glorayyyy!!! See the bless–

Bro Chidi: I’m not done sir, there’s more.

Pastor: There’s more? Wow

Bro Chidi: Some months after I started working there, I met the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen in my life. And we started dating…

Pastor and Congregation: Oh yeah?

AHHH OSHEYYYY

Bro Chidi: Then we started courting…

Pastor and Congregation: yeah?

‎Bro Chidi: (abashed grin) Did I forget to mention she’s the only daughter of the Company’s CEO.

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAYYYY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!!!

Bro Chidi:‎ A year later, we relocated to the United States where I was made the GM of our large unit there.

Pastor: *jumps on Bro Chidi in bear hug* GLORAAAAY!!!

Bro Chidi: Then we got married. Another year later, my wife gave birth to a set of twins. Beautiful boy and girl!

Pastor: (In call and response sing-song voice) I. AM. NEXT IN LINE!

Congregation: IAMNEXTINLIIIIIINE!!!

Pastor: JUST LIKE BROTHER CHIDOSKI…

Congregation: JUSTLIKEBROTHERCHIDOOOOOOSKI!!!

Pastor: THE LOWSKI‎…

Congregation: THELOWSKI

Pastor: WHOM THE HOLY GHOSTY

Congregation: WHOXGVQXZPGKQQQJPVZ

Pastor: HAS MADE HIGHSKI…

*Ushers rush on Altar and lift Brother Chidi to their shoulders and start dancing*

‎*choir begins Kpoyommemma praise and worship song*

*Congregation goes Apeshit for 15 minutes STRAIGHT*

Pastor: Now let’s calm down. Calm down as Brother Chidi concludes his AMAZING testimony!

Bro Chidi: ‎Yes Pastor, thank you Pastor. Soooooooo, these are all the things the Lord did for me in the dream.

*Church goes Deathly quiet*

Pastor: wait, wait, whaaaaaaa-?

Bro Chidi: I slept yesterday with no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life but the Lord gave me this wonderful dream and I woke up this morning still in the same state but now I’m feeling hopeful. I just know my dream can come true.

Pastor: *clutches chest* So all that money? The Tith… The company? They’re not real—

Bro Chidi‎: It was all a dream Pastor. It was all a dream ‎.

IS THIS ONE NOT MAD LIKE THIS?

THE END.

NO SERIOUSLY, IT’S THE END

FOR REAL.

THE END.

******

The most annoying thing of Grey’s stories is how he keeps you wanting more. Like you get to the end and you want to turn the ‘page’ over, or flip to side B,but nah, you’ve gotta come back next time. Have you had such a dreamy experience? Something you know will happen soon but people think you’re just foo…sorry gotta run, the boo (Rihanna is calling me)

Seize The Bloody Bae!!!

Hello guys,

It’s been a pretty long time I’ve been here and like I said in the last post, it’s as a result of a myriad of factors. Unlike in time past, we want to ensure that we actually write stuff when there’s stuff to write about. That whole pressure of writing because we’re expected to cannot work abeg.

Best to have quality than trash quantity. (I actually believe that one day, somebody will do a small pamphlet of these my gem quotes”

“Best to have quality than trash quantity” – @Sirkastiq 2015

Today, I want to ‘talk’ about the latest fashion fad amongst us. If you look down the years, you’ll see how we’ve evolved from the days we rocked Moschino and Sean Johns, from the days of Nautica and FUBU, from the days when wearing baggy jeans meant we were really cool and rich. (Compare that to these days where fully grown, human men wear jeans skinnier than their fingers).

Life is funny uno, there was a time when our struggle was what we would score in JAMB and then after failing the first one, it shifted to “how much do I pay this guy to get me correct expo to pass?” Later it became “God, I beg I don’t want to carry-over, I can’t spill” to “Should I update my CV on jobberman, is it good enough?” As we go forward in life, our worries keep changing.

The most recent one for a lot of us is “When will I find boo/bae?” or in some cases “When will boo/bae find me?”

Listen, many people will hit you with the “God’s time is the best” and “don’t rush into a relationship” but my friend, YOU BETTER RUSH!!! Time still waits for man. Time doesn’t even have time so if you like sit down there and be expecting.

The mandate was clear. it’s almost year end. Evaluate your life, why have you been dulling? Need someone to help you realize why you need to get up off your ass, go out there and seize the fucking bae?!

Here’s reasons – you’re welcome!

1. Your eggs will soon expire/your sperm will soon become powder: Yup! Be there forming waiting for the right time, meanwhile inside your body, your reproductory materials are nearing expiry date.
2. Don’t you want to appear on Bella Weddings? : Is it not your mates that share their “inspiring” stories on BN? Why should your own be different? You’re there waiting, shey it’s until BN is no longer in existence that you will now find bae? If you know what’s good for you, better agree for that guy in your DMs.
3. Ring will soon finish in the market: Rings are getting scarce in the market, every Ahmed, Tunbosun and Chidera have bought rings even though they have no one to give it to. The economy dictates you purchase these items before scarcity hits. What? They don’t know the size of your finger? How is that the problem? Please focus on the ring and wear it round your neck when they give it to you.
4. Shoki, Shakitibobo and nae nae will soon go out of fashion. Can you imagine your wedding where you can’t bust the shoki you’ve been learning for months? So you won’t hang one leg in the air while giving them shakitibobo? Let me tell you – better maximize the fact that these songs/dance steps are still relevant. Now is the appointed time.
5. See how you’ve been seeing cute babies all around you and you’re like “OMG, I WANT!!!” How are you going to get? You think you can become the next Angelina Jolie? My friend, don’t be stupid. Say yes to that man now

1. Price of visa and ticket is now high. To go to turkey, UK, USA and all those places is long and expensive. With a bae that is ready and willing, you solve that problem and get to visit all these places on someone else’ tab. Why try to save so much when you can just find a willing account number? You people don’t pay me enough for all this wisdom.

I know the alliance of online feminists are probably reading this like “why is he seemingly referring to women? Why aren’t the men the hunted ones?” see, I’m not about to offend you people and your association. I’m a man and it’s only somewhat understandable that I write from this viewpoint. Don’t be offended, just go and seize the bae. The year is almost over, it’s like you want to be by yourself at Christmas and on Vals day. Ok o. you think you’re doing me? You’re doing yourself.

Let’s read your successful ‘seize the bae’ stories…or plans.  Embrace the comment section

You Never Esperedit

Shocker huh?

Let’s just say “The Sarcastic Center” isn’t dead as you might have thought. Life happened and we all seemed to get caught up in the madness, with very little time to come on here. Funny thing is, Terdoh and I still kept doing our thing on TNC. Guess it has something to do with finding it easy to deliver when you’re not directly responsible. I don’t know jare.

However, what triggered this seeming revival is the consistent visits the blog seemed to be getting even when inactive. You guys still dropped comments and stuff and this served as a conscience jerker. How could we leave without saying goodbye? Quite wrong init? Anyway, I can’t exactly promise consistency and the kind of humor you’re used to. Truth is, I’ve realized the things I find funny these days are more subtle and this has reflected in my writing -I lean more towards wit. But yeah, I’ll definitely pop in here as often as time allows me to rant about stuff, like HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN LINDA’S HOUSE?!

That might have been motivation too. LOL

It’s good to be back.

Ebola 101

Oh come on, you know me better than that. That title is just really catchy, so I had to use something that will catch your attention. It’s just my way of making you want to click the link…

Now that I think about it, the entire blogosphere is saturated with new posts and sites telling you about the virus and how to prevent it and what not. So you people are already tired of hearing this shit. Meaning this title might actually drive people away.

Oh well, I’ve already started writing it, I might as well finish.

This post is gonna be short…like your life if you happen to catch the disease. (What? Too soon?) So I’m not gonna keep you here too long.

Ebola is really serious guys. It makes HIV look like a urinary tract infection. Sad part is that if you’re not American, there’s no cure for you. And everyone is responding crazily to it. (Which to me might be a bit excessive…but yeah, nobody wants to die, I get it.) You know, with people who weren’t using hand sanitizers now experts on how many germs exist in the universe and those who used to use hand sanitizers refusing to leave the house.

Amazing shit…really.

***

Brief History:

Ebola, AKA Ebola Virus Disease, AKA Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, AKA EB for Short, AKA Don’t Touch It, Literally, AKA well…Ebola is a disease that began as far back as 1976. Which is when Bella first decided she wanted a taste of Bat meat and went for that vampire nigga Edward. Who gave her this terrible disease on their wedding night, breaking numerous beds in the process. After which she very happily passed it on to Jacob and the rest is history.

Fuck you Bella.

***

What’s actually funny to me is how the country has decided to treat the situation so… (gimme a word here, because “lightly” doesn’t quite cut it). How many people are suspected to have the virus? Why haven’t these people been quarantined? Who were the hospital staff that got infected? What’s up with those niggas? In a crowded city like Lagos why are these people still roaming free? Why the fuck have the airlines to and from infected countries not been shut down?

Speaking of airlines, I was on a plane to…well, I was on a plane. And the announcer said something along the lines of “In light of the recent Ebola virus outbreak, we will proceed to spray insecticide in the cabin. If you’re wearing contacts or you find that you react to the smell, please cover your eyes and nose”.

I dunno, it sounded something like that.

So, they’re now spraying insecticide on flights. An idea that I think would be fucking brilliant…you know, if Ebola was spread by mosquitoes. Even if they are spraying disinfectants, why are you spraying it while we’re already seated? What’s the ‘insecticide’ supposed to do? Kill the virus? Kill whoever happens to have the virus? Kill everybody on the plane?

Finally sha, fuck Arik for nearly giving me an attack with that unnecessary shit.

I plan to demand an iPad.

Anyway, in light of the current situation (and yes, pun intended) here are a few tips on how to prevent the deadly virus:

Ebola 101

• No handshakes please. Employ a PA to be taking handshakes on your behalf.
• Don’t touch your PA.
• Hugs are not allowed too. Don’t make this awkward. You are all strangers. Do I know you?
• Please please, no kissing vampires. Have you learned nothing?
• If you’ve been shagging, stop. If you’ve not been shagging, sorry. Lame ass.
• Don’t ever, ever wear red pants. (this has nothing to do with Ebola, it’s just a general rule to live by)
• Ask your suya guy where he gets his meat. If he can’t give you a concise response, burn that mother fucking stand to the ground. Burn that mother fucker too. He’s a biological weapon.
• Don’t even THINK of bearing the name Sawyer. (That goes for you too @MallamSawyerr)
• While we’re at it, don’t think of bearing Patrick either. Be more creative goddammit.
• Buy your own car.
• Buy your own house.
• Buy your own airport terminal.
• Yeah, I would get my own country if I were you.
• Ooh ooh! Your own planet!
• Pray, and ask Jesus to come back quickly.

See? It’s not that hard to avoid the virus. Follow these easy steps and you should be fine.

On a more serious note, be safe guys. And be careful. And when you see me, wave. Please don’t make it awkward.

Thank you.

Beautiful Girls Are Ugly

Beautiful Girls are Ugly.

It’s a stretched oxymoron alright, but it’s indubitably the truth.

Just hear me out here.

“Inner beauty matters most” is the go-to quote for those of us who didn’t win the facial beauty lottery. But it goes beyond that. It’s a universally accepted fact. I guarantee you it wasn’t just a phrase coined by the president of the UPU (Ugly People Union, and yes, that’s a thing) to make its members feel good.

Beauty comes in different shapes and fashions (excuse the pun) and when it comes down to it, of what importance is outer beauty? Couple decades, a couple children pushed out, a little depression and voila! Beauty gone like a runs girl gone swimming. I think the only job of beauty is to lure every interested person into the arena of inner beauty.

Listen closely while I spit some depth.

Some inner depth…

I get tired of beautiful girls after making a ‘home run’ on them and realising that they have nothing to offer asides sex. Their lack of inner beauty makes them ugly (Now you understand the title, don’t you?) and the beautiful ones are still yet to be born.

Okay, that’s a stretch, but you get where I’m coming from. And if you don’t, let me explain…

A guy may try to avoid a girl he thinks is ugly the same way I would avoid a plate of beans without plantain, but his perception might be high jacked if he mistakenly hangs out with her frequently. (This is why they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. This makes anyone who thinks you’re ugly the wrong beholder. And you may thank me for this nugget of wisdom later.)

Something about this ‘ugly’ female might capture him. May be her attitude, may be her charm, may be her wit, may be her sense of humour, may be that her IQ is higher than Snoop Dogg, may be how pretty she looks when he’s drunk, but something about her will capture him and he’ll eventually end up preferring her to that “hot chick”.

Don’t worry; I’ll get to the point.

Notice how the play boys run through loads of centrefold, model type chicks and then end up with the woman that are not half as fine as the chicks he smashed in his rookie days? Point made…

“Biologically, we follow our strongest suit.”

A man will definitely (try to) have sex with a woman that attracts him the most, and will definitely wife the woman that complements him the most. In some rare cases, they’re the same woman (lucky bastard) but usually, these two individuals are very different people.

A girl that can recognize her beauty prowess knows it’s a double plus considering she already has a bomb vagina that guys would love to kill for. If the average looking girl thinks she’s entitled to some good stuff just because she has a third armpit, the beautiful girl feels she has every right to get the best form of entertainment guys can provide.

Beautiful girls invest more on cosmetics than any other thing that can actually better their life, they believe their face can make up for any blunder; their brain is as void as the world in the beginning.

You go on a date with one of these chicks and the conversation is as one sided as a sermon. They are the type of girls that would make a guy feel like a C.E.O  that has placed a vacancy notice on news papers on the first date because the conversation would strike a clear resemblance with an interview session.

“Yes”, “No”, “maybe” are the few words she can offer because she’s too pretty to talk too much.

I’ve said too much. And I’m sure you can feel my hurt through the letters. I’m also doubly sure that you agree with me when I say…

 

Beautiful Girls are Ugly.

 

-Jazizi.

Things Nigerian Men don’t/Won’t do

Ok guys, this is one of those all of a sudden-inspired posts that I didn’t plan to write. Matter of fact, I was just scrolling through my twitter timeline like the peace-loving individual I am and then BAM!  I saw this:

And then a thought dribbled through my brain defences like…

 

 

And I tried to ignore but then I saw this:

So yes, here we are and yeah, you’re welcome.

Ladies are you paying attention because I shall say this only once and I believe once is enough for you. I mean, a word is enough for the wise and this is why wise people only speak once. Yes, a wise man once said this.

Most of you women just believe that because we are men, we are automatically some form of robot that can do anything and should in fact do everything. I’m sorry o but that’s far from the reality. Matter of fact, this is why some men have decided to be feminine seeing as they can’t cope with the demands of manhood. This has nothing to do with penis length. Thanks. As Nigerian men, here’s a list of some things you shouldn’t expect or ask us to do, please and thank you.

 1. OPEN DOORS: Now don’t get it twisted, I know some of you are already like “it’s a lie, my man opens doors for me all the time. Well, yeah, it could be that his locks are special, the car door is faulty or you’re a new girlfriend. But here’s where I need you to think carefully; Your man opens the car door for you when you’re getting in right? Does he open it as well after the drive is done? I can bet my 3 month income that he doesn’t. Are you even mad? So you’ll get to the destination and you’ll sit still like unmoving waters and wait for him to come round to open the door? No really? You don’t feel like a waste? LOL, stop watching these movies girl, it don’t happen. You better flex your right arm, reach out to the door handle, pull and get your butt off that seat. Or if it’s a special edition ride, ask him for the ‘window winder,’ reach outside the window, locate the door handle and then pull. Sometimes your shoulder might be needed to complete the door opening procedure

2. Kill cockroaches and huge fucking spiders: Baby, the last time I checked, I was an Engineer not a Pest/Rodent Control Officer. The Bible even says “…and God made man in His image after His own likeness…” “…and gave them dominion…” Dominion is derived from the Greek word *look up the Greek word and insert here* which means ‘dominate.’This domination was given to both man and woman so I don’t understand why it has all of a sudden become my duty to kill roaches and seek out rats. I don’t see the problem these guys are bringing our way. Do you see them with guns or bombs? They really aren’t a bother so why should we seek to cut their life short? I suggest a negotiation system. How about you leave the room and allow me reason with these guys? I’m sure we can reach some form of agreement. Pushing me to kill or tossing a slipper at me to handle the issue isn’t the best. PS: If we’re talking about flying roaches though, can we discuss this in some other room?

3. Nigerian men are not Investigators: So it’s 2am and we slept off after some hot-like-egusi sex and somehow you don’t sleep deep so you heard a sound originating from outside or downstairs. Two questions:

–          Why did you wake me?

–          Did the sound call my or your name?

–          Do I look like I major in handling sounds?

–          Why the fuck didn’t you just go check for yourself since you’re so attached to sounds?

I know that’s four questions, sorry this issue pains me. I mean, let sounds be. If you’re scared, just squeeze closer to me, hold me tighter. It helps if you’re sleeping naked as this gesture will arouse me and before you know it, we begin to make sounds of our own. Let us use sounds to eradicate the fear of sounds. Please, haven’t you seen that those who go to investigate sounds end up dead? Please biko, I still want to live this life.

4. Nigerian men can’t have abs, a baritone voice and beards: So you better “pick your choose2 very carefully. You women just think you can replace “tall, dark and handsome” with “beard, build and baritone” without sending a request to the Federal Senate? You can’t. It’s not done. Now I’m an exception, I mean I’ve got all three (shut up, I do) but the average Nigerian guy has the beard (most of you are just struggling but we’ll allow you), the build? Well not with those pot bellies that lead you around and abeg sounding like a conductor isn’t really baritone. So women, choose one.

5. Nigerian men won’t allow you drive their new car in his absence: Yes you’re the boo but baby, his ride is his gem. It’s not like what is his isn’t yours but see yeah? If you now bash the car, what will you say? Sorry? S-O-R-R-Y? You will now do face like a caught puppy and expect him to react? If your man lets you drive his new car, just know that if you bash it, you have to say ‘yes’ when he asks you to marry him, and note: he won’t ask kneeling down.

Of course there are other things Nigerian men can’t/won’t do but space hinders me from mentioning them all, I know some might wanna mention eating ass but I really know nothing ‘bout that shit and I don’t want to make unfounded assumptions.

Cheers yo!

 

 

 

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Sex

Hey Guys, before you pelt me with rotten eggs and tomatoes, let me just cast myself. Firstly yes, we’ve been epileptic with posts. I take responsibility for that. I feel like I’m basically nearing the end of my writing sojourn here. These days, i’m short on ideas and I just want to manage things. Might have to do with more responsibility and shit. Funny enough, I’m pretty frequent with my posts on TNC so I don’t understand it. Anyway, yeah…

So last month, a friend sent me this post which I featured on TNC, for the benefit of those who didn’t read it, I thought to share it here.

Please enjoy…

Sex eh? Everyone talks about it. All the time. It must be amazing, right? Like eating magic plantain fried with the tears of 200 beautiful angels. Right? Maybe. I don’t know. Please don’t ask me abeg. I do know that sex is one of the few high-stakes activities in the world you can engage in with absolutely zero training, or licensing, or even basic mentoring. For the love of bread and moimoi, shouldn’t we all get licenses before sex? Do you not want to have a document with your name on it that says Certified Penis Operator? Or Validated Vagina Visa Holder? Or even Cocksmith General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria? No? Me neither.

Anyway, most of us received absolutely no training pre-sex. If you were lucky, your parents just told you to be careful, handed you a condom and said “Goodluck my son” or “Go forth and multiply” or if you were a girl “Please don’t disgrace me o.” or the less subtle “If you carry belle to this house, I will kill you” before throwing you to the wild.

So… let’s assume its your wedding night (LOL, ashewo like you). You assume you are prepared for sex. You think you know everything that is about to take place. You are wrong.

I am a nice fellow so let me tell you the 5 things you should know about sex that no one ever tells you (except me).

*****

1. Sex Smells

Look, there’s is no good way to put it but its true – sex is a smelly activity. Two people are mashing their genitals together violently like they are possessed by the spirit of Terry G, sweat rolling down  their least properly washed parts, fluids condemned by both god and man as unholy are leaking from their insides, just rolling out over thighs, sluicing through butt cracks, all in the tropical heat and a closed space, of course it’s going to get smelly in a hurry. You cant smell it usually because you get used to it or you are focused on something else (boobies!). So what does sex smell like? It depends on the people and how they are doing it but it is always clammy and thick and if anyone walks into the room while you are having sex, they will probably be able to taste it at the back of their throat and then they will wish they could die.

2. Sexhaustion is real

I wont lie, sex is hard work. Cardio of life. Fitfam = Slutfam. And for those of use that don’t run 5 miles a day, sometimes during sex you get to a point where you are so tired that sex actually stops being fun and becomes work – and not good work like sitting in an office of an oil company checking your Facebook page until it’s time for lunch. I mean work like hard labor, like cutting the grass on the 6 plots of land that used to be your grandfather’s farm using only a rusty table knife and a razor blade – the kind of work that you mindlessly bulldoze your way through – just because you don’t want to disappoint your partner who is like, really, really, horny right now. You’re standing behind (or you’re sitting on top of) them and just pounding your groin into theirs, desperately waiting for the end to come (hehe), like a merciful bullet to the head while you’re being tortured – and when it does, it’s basically euthanasia by orgasm. It comes (hehe), you disengage, you roll over and then sleep immediately.

3. Penis fit break

See, some women like to violently bounce up and down a guy’s long thing as they are pumping water from an abandoned well in the sahara – well, be careful because if you land in the wrong position, you can absolutely break his penis. While there is no actual bone in a penis, there are two cylinders of tissue that become rigid during an erection, and if you have sex too hard, it can break with a cracking sound. Fun fact: this is more likely to happen when a man is cheating, according to the University of Maryland Medical Center. So that’s something to add to your list of ‘safe sex’ practices – Not every time ride penis like dragon, sometimes gentle humping.

4. There will be Vagina Farts (aka Queefs)

Farting during sex is one of the worst things anyone can do to someone they claim to love. It is a terrible terrible thing. I mean, things are smelly enough already, why you have to go and add rotten egg to the horror? But, when you are having sex, you are hammering large quantities of air into a tight, moist space (hehe). The queef is as much a part of sex as much as Namadi Sambo is part of the Nigerian government, even though he doesn’t really seem to be and nobody acknowledges it. So sooner or later, while pounding, a massive, squeaky farting sound will occur (just like Namadi Sambo) as you mash your naughty bits into her naughty bits. It can’t be helped most of the time but it is still embarrassing when you hear that unmistakable sound. And most of the time, both of you will just pretend it never happened (Just like Namadi Sambo) because no one wants stop having sweet, sweet sex just to have that an argument about whether she just queefed or if he just farted.

5. Sex is slimy

Natural Sex = Slime, most of the time. This only occurs when you’re not using condoms. If you are (and you better be, you rotten meat bag of syphilis) then maybe this hasn’t happened to you, yet. It’s simple though, what goes up (or down, or to the side, or slides in from behind, or is poured into the front, whatever) must come down at some point. So, once sex is over and you are both done exchanging juices, unless the woman keeps her legs up in the air to prevent it, said juices will start to leak all over the place. If the guy is still under her, then she gets to return his white gift and if she is under him then she spills the cocktail of his baby batter and her natural engine oil down her ass crack and then all over the bed unless someone scrambles for some tissues or a towel, or a rag, or a T-shirt to wipe everything down before your both drown in your own body stews. Nice imagery isn’t it? Isn’t sex fun, kids?

What I’m saying is – you probably didn’t think you would need a sex towel did you? Or that sex would smell so weird? Or that you could break your penis if you go too hard? Or that women fart via vagina? Mills and boon didn’t tell you about that did they? Welcome to real life, my friends, now please, enjoy all the smelly, slimy sex.

– Mr. Anonymous

Presidential Speech

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know who wrote this. Ehen!

My Fellow Nigerians,

I have read with deep surprise the reports on various matters affecting our nation. I have also been briefed by my aides on the uproar caused by these events. Let me assure you that I am fully aware of all that is going on. The truth is you people will not even allow somebody to rest. You actually think I left the comfort of my home in Bayelsa to come to Abuja and be daily bombarded with problems? Is that how you people were raised, what manner of home training do you have? But it’s ok, I am aware.

Every morning, i wake up, sometimes I brush my teeth, other times, I just grab a drink and I’m good to go. But there is no day when I don’t have the issues of the country on my mind. You people will just think that because I look like a mix of confusion and imbecility I’m clueless. Haven’t you heard that the lion that wants to strike doesn’t change its facial expression?

A lot of concern has been raised over security in our nation, permit me to say I have it under control. Whether you permit me or not, I’ll say it, afterall, I A. belle John remain the President of this nation. I was watching the news the other day and I saw news about the abduction of some girls from their school. It was reported that the school was infiltrated (see the big word I used there?) by unknown men and over 200 girls were taken. The truth is this happens everyday. I remember when I was deputy governor that time, we used to send our aides to the universities and they return with sometimes 50, sometimes 100 girls. I’m just wondering who the man must be that has the capacity to move 200 at once. I mean, what kind of party is he about to have? Can he even handle 200? As bad as I am, my record is like 50, but that one time when Igbins was around, I think we did like 80.

My fellow Nigerians, My attention was drawn to the social media, I think they call it twitter and I saw you people talking about #BringBackOurGirls This is why I brought facebook to Nigeria because I didn’t quite understand. Hold on, I have a call…

I just spoke to my SA on Media matters, Robin Agbaya and he asks me to ignore all the things you people are saying there.  What do you people want me to say sef? Who exactly are we asking to bring back the girls? I have learned over time not to involve myself in matters that don’t concern me so yes. Some have raised eyebrows to the reports of my trip to Ibadan after the Nyanya blast. What is really wrong with you people? I cancelled my trip and was back in Abuja on the day of the blast, Didn’t you people see me in deep thought pondering the state of matters? DO YOU KNOW HOW QUICK I HAD TO PERFECT THAT POSE? You people don’t even know my story.

Yes, I went back to Ibadan the day after. The Olabadan was turning 100. Is it everyday somebody turns 100? Do you know how much he gave to my campaign? Do you know how many votes he was able to get for me? You people will just wake up and be talking anyhow because of freedom of speech. Don’t come and put san-san inside my garri pls. Me miss out on that amala just like that? you people play too much.

Fellow Nigerians, I had my media chat some days ago and let me just explain some of my statements because it’s like you people are not as smart as I am. Someone asked a question on corruption and i said “The word corruption is over used, even a common thief is now called corrupt”. What did I say that is French now? Is every thief corrupt? was Robin Hood corrupt? Was he not stealing for the good of the people? When you take meat from your mother’s pot, does that make you corrupt or hungry? Ehen. I was further questioned on the Missing oil money, Like I said, is it today that money started missing in Nigeria? Is it in my regime that oil money started to dissapear, Then i said  “$20Billion is a lot of money, where will you hide it that people will not know?. America will know and will tell you where it is”.  Shebi America knows everything? Is it wrong to tell the truth again?

Lastly, someone asked about the petroleum minister’s restraining order. Look, I stand by my words ” I am not aware that the Minister of petroleum has gone to court to stop investigation”. Maybe someone went on her behalf o, I don’t know, Maybe she went to suspend the investigation o, I don’t know, But you people should leave me and dezi dezi in peace. In fact, we need to go to Brazil to represent Nigeria at the World Cup. Yes.

As I end this speech, let me use this medium to state here that I don’t know what patty smokes sometimes. I don’t know how she got herself on TV and so expertly embarassed my family and generations unborn. I watched that shit on NTA and I’m like who let the dog out? Sometimes I question my “till death do us part” vows because the woman is doing all she can to kill me. My God is bigger sha. It’s no wonder she’s named Patience. she’s taught me that. Fellow Nigerians, as I end this speech, let me leave you with the words of the Immortal philosopher 2face Idibia: “Nothin’ dey happen”

God bless the fedreal republic.

PDP 2015

Late Sadiq’s 30 Rules

In the year 1960, my great-grand father, Sadiq (nicknamed “Sir Dick” for his lengthy penis) wrote down a few guidelines for the future Nigerian (male) youths with the hope of sneaking it into the constitution. Sadly, it was rejected and called “a huge waste of time”. Sadiq is dead but I, El-Farooq shall carry on his legacy and share his rules with you with the hope that lives will be touched. [don’t ask how he knew about stuff like FIFA games & selfies back in 1960, just umm…play along]. Ladies, you can read this too & set your man straight:

editors note: I mean, if he’s not straight and he’s your man, you already have a problem

1. In a game of FIFA (or in actual football kick-around) with your buddies you are NOT allowed to refer to a “cross” as a “pull-out”. This is to avoid controversial statements such as “O boy! Bayo, that pull out mad oh. See as you no even waste time just dey use pull out dey finish me. And you come sabi head well. Na you bad pass for pull-out & heading”.

2. Under no circumstance is a guy allowed to use his hard earned money to purchase an umbrella neither is he allowed to use one (except while sharing it with a lover). However, he is allowed to accept it as a souvenir at a wedding but must dump it in the closest trash right after the reception is over.

editors note: No really, are there guys that buy umbrellas? Are they still referred to as guys?

3. Every guy must have Livescores.com bookmarked on his (and his girlfriend’s) phone/PC. Every guy. Every.

editors note: Some ‘guys’ just went “what’s livescores?” You my friend need to handover your man card. Terdoh doesn’t have Livescores by the way

4. Even if a guy hates basketball, when your mates are talking about the NBA you are to chip in the exact words: “But man, Vince Carter killed it at the 2000 slam dunk contest. Christ!” OR “T-Mac’s 13pts in 33seconds against Spurs is still one of the greatest comebacks of all time, though.”

5. When hosting your friends for an EPL or UCL game (or the El-Classico) it is only normal that the host provides the alcohol while the friends must all bring different variety of “chow” (pizza, suya etc). It wouldn’t hurt for the friends to bring along emergency alcohol, though.

6. Any lady who perfectly explains the offside rule in football should first be double-checked for a penis & upon passing this test should be treated like the goddess that she is.

editors note: and you best start treating ‘her’ as one of the guys. These ‘girls’ are the ones you need to hide your PS pad from. NEVER CHALLENGE THEM TO A GAME!!!

7. No skinny jeans.

8. Every guy should have his own badass tailor who sews his own suit for him. Even the greatest ‘suit wearer’ of all time had his.

9. In the immortal words of Big Ghost, a guy is permitted a maximum of 5 selfies per year. If however he does not exhaust these 5 takes, he is not permitted to carry what’s left over to the next year. The count must be restarted.

10. You are permitted to sing R&B songs in a Karaoke bar. It is one of the 2 places on earth where guys are allowed to hit high notes. The 2nd being a (non-prison) shower.

editors note: and please, never speak of what transpired in there with yo homies once you walk out the door. 

11. If a guy spends the night in police custody he is required to spit a rap freestyle consisting a minimum of 16bars to his buddies.

12. You are not allowed to perform CPR on a fellow guy you’re not related to. Let him die in (straight) peace. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Exception: You work for the Red Cross.

13. A guy is not permitted to be a designated non-drinking driver for more than 3 night outs in a row with the hommies. Seriously, just watching your buddies have all the fun & destroy their liver is both lame & wicked. Smart & responsible, yes, but more of lame & wicked.

14. A guy must engage in coital activities with a lady while being tied up and Christina Aguilera’s “Nasty Naughty Boy” playing in the background at least once in his life time.

15. A guy is permitted to cry tears of joy on his wedding day. No G-points shall be deducted from his gangster-account.

Let it out ma nigga

editors note: afterall, it’s not everyday you tie your nuts.

16. Just like in #4, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan of the rap genre or not, every “Who’s the greatest rapper?” argument may last for minutes, hours or in extreme cases, days but must be halted when one party alters the words “Well, the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th”.

17. No matter how close they are, no two unrelated guys should EVER see a movie at the cinema past 7 o’clock… except Delta Force 1 becomes available in 3D.

18. If a guy ever leaves his house to buy a pad then it better be for his Play Station or X-Box and NOT for his girlfriend or ex-box (apologies for the corny pun).

19. A guy is permitted ONLY ONE pedicure & manicure session in a life time & this must be done when he’s away on a business trip to another city where no one there has a clue who he is.
N/B: This rule has no loophole. Even if you give your life to Christ & become “born again” it still counts as one life time.

20. A guy is permitted only one barber per city. This barber, besides his excellent hair cutting skills must meet the golden law:
When standing, a barber’s pelvic region must be lower or higher than (but never the same level as) his seated client’s head.
[This rule prevents a barber’s emergency boner from having to strike his client on the face or the back of the head.]

Just look at

21. “Dangerously In Love” is the greatest Beyoncé song of all time & thus, it’s understandable for a guy to play this while thinking about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. However, “Run The World(Girls)” is complete trash and should never be found on a guy’s iTunes.
N/B: Every guy, upon access to a lady’s laptop, must search for this song in her music folder, hold down the shift key & alter the words “F*ck that sh*t!” while aggressively striking the delete key.

22. A guy without the ability to grow facial hair has two options to make up for it:
-Work out at the gym for 28hrs a week to make up for it with a buff body.
-Take his life by jumping off a bridge.

23. Upon seeing a flying cockroach in the presence of a lady friend, a guy is to puff out his chest and tell his (presumably) freaked out lady friend “don’t worry baby, I’ll kill it”, walk out the room, let out a shriek (inaudible to the lady friend in the room), do 10 push-ups then go back there and kill it. Running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

24. When one of your buddies is pretending to be a celebrity in order to pick up a chic, all the remaining members of the crew are required to act star-struck and ask for a picture when they walk past him. Autographs are too damn suspicious in this part of the world.

25. A guy is required to carry his extremely wasted friend all the way home & leave a bottle of water & chow beside him. When he wakes up & the whole story of how you carried him home is being relayed to him, he is to express his gratitude of the kind gesture with only two words “My nigga!” & never speak of it again.

26. Just like a guy has his own preferred brand of beer (HEINEKEN!!) and/or rum (CRUZAN!!), a guy must have his own preferred brand of Newspaper which he must read at least 3 times a week. Seriously, you’re a man, read the damn papers & know about the happenings in the country.

27. Nature played a cruel prank us by making bananas go with nuts (groundnuts). While it is obviously not avoidable, there are rules for eating it:
-Two guys must never make eye contact while eating a banana.
-A guy eating a banana in public must break off part of it and eat but never put the whole thing in his mouth.
-A guy purchasing a banana must not complain/compliment the bananas & nuts. This is to avoid statements such as “Your banana too strong jor. You wan kill me?” or “This banana too soft. Be like say you no like me. Give me better banana jor”

28. A guy is to hold open the door of his car for a lady to enter except he has paid for her services or she is a feminist.

29. 3 things a guy must never admit to having no experience in; Driving a stick, killing a chicken and making a lady cum.

30. *To be filled by reader*

 

– RJ