For Un-Colored People

Hey Guys, Sirkastiq here…

It’s always a pleasure having you guys click that link and enter these premises with the expectations of finding something that would be worth your while. We the TSC team sincerely hope that we have been able to meet these desires in ways that only laughter can express. Buahaha…Of course, we have. Let’s not even front, our entire crew is badder than you.

I should observe some sort of restraint but I’m really excited. Here’s why:

First of all…go down low.

Lower…

Aha!  I just wanted to do that. So yes, first of all, we have been officially nominated for a couple of awards at the Nigerian Blog Awards 2012. We were nominated in 2 categories: Best Humor Blog and Best Group/Collabo Blog. These nominations were not the work of any super power or bot but the votes of decision makers like you and I. We owe this history making nominations to you, and no matter the colour of your skin; White, Black, MJ or Eczemaic, We can together bring these awards home. YES WE CAN!  Please take that step of faith and click here  to vote for us. Thank you.

On to other matters arising, while many thought we had run out of entertaining posts for you guys, we were working on our new project.

The Sarcastic Center presents: “For Un-Colored People”.A spoof of TheNakedConvos “For Coloured Men/Women” an exploration of some of the things that people go through or not…using real life instances which exist or may not. It is a series of 9 experimental monologues by 9 people who might be bloggers or not:

  • @Demi_Carson
  • @TheGreyGenesis
  • @Andhiii
  • @RaliaDsugargirl
  • @ColorMyCake
  • @NickFish3r
  • @MallamSawyerr
  • @C1kko
  • @Terdoh

It expresses many of the situations, experiences, quirks and challenges that several groups of Nigerian people face throughout their lives. The monologues deal with crazy stuff basically told in the writer’s own way… or not

The colors come alive on Thursday, November 1, 2012 and each day, we will have 2 posts up; One at noon and the other at 4pm.

Below are excerpts of what to expect

Eggy Brown – “…A and B cups are jokes’ WHAT? HAYYYYY! You know what?! FUCK ALL THOSE DOUBLE Ds AND THEIR CLEAVAGES! OVER AND UNDER! I don’t care that these days men seem to be more into women with chests that look like footballs. I will find a man that loves me just the way I am.”

***

Semen White–  “What’s even worse about this is I’ve been told to “give it time. It’ll grow on you”. I want to take that literally but apparently, nothing is growing. I’m sure you’re going “Really, it can’t be that bad”. Here’s how I overhead an ex describing my penis to her friends;

“Stick out your pinky finger…”

***

Edo Black: I’ve never done anything to hurt anyone. On purpose. People that offend me just tend to… well, die. Or get hurt. Or go mad. And I’m talking walking-on-the-road-with-dada-wearing-rag-and-eating-from-dustbin-while-singing-Tonto-Dike-Hayi kind of mad.”

***

Fox River Pink: “I swallowed hard. If I was lucky, there’d be more gag-reflex activity before the night was out. “Sir, I wan enter jail,” I coughed. “Jail? You this softie! When dem press you inside cell finish ehn, your yansh go dey leak water o…”

I hope!

***

Carrot Orange – “I was lucky enough to get a job with an oil servicing company; she got hired by a PR firm. Six months later, we got married. I will never forget our wedding night. After we got back to the hotel and she finally unzipped my pants, all she could say was

“What is this Carrot?”

***

Ajebutter Green- ” The service was amazing, My God! I sang heavenly choruses and saw the Cherub and Angels descending Heavenly banisters. At some point during the servicing, sorry service, I swear I heard the Halleluyah Chorus while David played the Harp”

***

Mechanic Blue- “I heard that Toto Decay was claiming responsibility for his fall at the Headies. See your life Bona? Abana that awon boys don’t even gbensh anymore because well, the toto eyav decay. Real niggies like myself and I always stop at the blowjobs. She now used that same mouth to insult you. Serves you right! Next time you will not use my girls’ names in any of your songs!”

***

Grey Matter- “I watched as though locked in an unfortunate trance as Mummy Nkem charged towards me and wrapped both her porky arms around my waist, simultaneously putting her head under my left armpit. Then she hefted me up and left me in the air. I hung suspended in the air like that for a second that seemed like an eternity…”

***

Engine Oil Black- “Today my lover & I went for a walk. It was very romantic. He kept looking back & staring at me. It was going rather well until he yelled at me to stop following him because he doesn’t know me. How ridiculous is that? How can he not know the mother of his 3 future children? I’ve done nothing but love him. I’ll have to address this tonight while we’re in bed together. He always leaves his bedroom window open for me. Romantic isn’t it?”

***

Excited yet?

So much we hope to hopefully entertain and educate you guys with so we hope you enjoy this. Remember posts go up Thursday at Noon and at 4pm.  We would appreciate if you aid in our publicity by using the picture above as your DP or Twitter avatar. Thanksss…Now will also be a pretty good time to subscribe and follow our handle @TheSarcasticCtr for links and updates.

Do feel free to drop your comments and expectations with us.

and oh… vote

Cheers

Skin Tight

Yes, Yes, it’s been a while we wrote. Go on then take your best shot.

Anyways, be thankful we are here now. lol. Don’t mind us jare. We are cooking up something that is taking lots of offline work, brain storming and all that stuff so yeah, look out for that.

To keep you company today Ladies and Gentlemen, Please welcome @Demi_Carson

***

The 11th commandment: thou shall have no resemblance to Willie Wonka.
Dressed in shorts, cute brogues and a drop dead gorgeous vintage blouse, I sit at the newest eatery in town waiting for my date to show up. My cousin set me up with one of her supposedly cute friends. I catch my reflection in the mirror a few feet in front of me; my small curly ‘fro is on point. A quick self loving smile. Yup, I’m on point. My date will be blown away. What? Abeg, if I don’t feel good about myself, who will?  Breath check, nails, clean. Babe be looking fly.
A beep from my phone tells me Bode is almost here. Eagerly I look towards the door and in walks a guy with the most ridiculously coloured ‘skinny’ jeans, ‘FAT’ supras, the whole enchilada. Mental head shake. “I pity this one’s girlfriend.” Mchewwwww. Seems bode will be running a little late sha. I continue reading through my Twitter timeline, cackling every now and then, when I hear the somewhat nervous ‘Hello.’ I look up still laughing like a hyena. The sharp change in my expression could have shaved off a 3 day old beard. Who was standing in front of me? Yes you guessed right, Mr. supra Oluwa-jeggins! What does this one want from me now? I wonder, preparing to turn back to my phone.

“Are you omotola?” Cabo asks, and I stagger in my mind.
No lord, it can’t be!
‘Yes I am’. I say reluctantly and he smiles and takes a seat.
Abi they’re using this one’s destiny to play ten-ten ni?
‘Sorry, I’m waiting for my date’. I say petulantly.
“Well Hi, my name is Bode. Your cousin, Bimbo… ‘ My life flashes before my eyes. It can’t be. In my head I’m rolling in ashes, sack cloth and all. Why me? I force a smile and say a tentative “Hello’.
Bright V-neck tee, matching g-shocks. Seriously? Matching g shocks? are u like 12 or something? I could see the date going downhill from here. *sigh* yet again, another one..*

***
The story above is true. Very true. And I can assure you I almost burst into tears at different moments during the date. Nothing puts me off more than Adult men dressed like they just discovered their pubic hair. Because of my experience, which happened to be the last straw, I decided to tackle and write about this huge problem; skinny jeans on men.

 Skinny jeans: a brief history
Not leaving out its Nigerian ‘sector’, the fashion industry has undergone an impressive growth in the last decade, with the emergence of a greater range of fashion choices for fashionistas of both sexes. Over the years there have been resurgences of ‘vintage’ cuts and styles into the market. Among these are the skinny jeans, skinny pants, slim cut pants et al for men and women.

With every fashion trend comes a lot of questions as to how to wear them. Putting in mind that a lot of men out here in our society are not so ‘fashion conscious’, I will TRY to shed more light on the skinny jeans/pants that our boyfriends and potential ‘p-setters’ in my case have decided to embrace.


In the 50s and 60s, jeans became the symbol of rebellion and passionate youth worn by the sex symbols of the day. James dean, Marlon Brando and Elvis wore their jeans straight and slim. My late idol, Michael wore slim pants in his days too. Fast forward to 2006, the skinny jean is all the buzz! Its here it’s there, it’s everywhere! It had resurfaced on the run way around 2003 but mainstream ‘citizens’ were slow to catch on. Its 2012 now, I look around me, and its hard to imagine there exist any other apart from skinny jeans. That’s good news right? Well, not exactly. The streets are littered with young men of all shapes and sizes, everyone squeezing into a pair of skinnies. News flash! Fellow Nigerians, it is not by force! A few rules and tips to help guide your choice of denim;

 


Know/have the right body type.
You don’t have to be super skinny or androgynous to wear skinnies. You just have to be proportioned well. That’s a delicate way of saying you can’t afford to be built like a pregnant woman. No pot bellies please. Thanks and God bless you. As long as you’re reasonably shaped and you have mostly straight lines, you can rock the look.

 

Make sure they fit properly
Skinny jeans should not look like denim pantyhose! Hear hear people! We don’t need our men looking like they have sausage casings on. Leave the skin tight jeans for your girlfriends and sisters please. They should sit just below your waist and have enough room in the legs, butt and crotch area. Think less skinny, more ‘slim’. Just a little taper at the ankles.  From this point, ill refer to the clothing item in review as slim jeans.


Accessorize properly
If you are manly enough to wear slim jeans/ pants you can wear accessories. A fitted slim shirt is good as long as its not too tight or an obnoxious colour or pattern. Slim, flat shoes or sneakers work well. Don’t choose something too chunky or you’ll look like you have Mickey Mouse feet. Converses, plimsolls, loafers and the likes are good options. And personally, I love a man in loafers. Tie yourself up nicely with a broad belt but don’t go for an embossed, big buckled, supposed-to-be trendy one or there’ll be a smell of desperation off you all day. Its all about your personal style, but keep the basic rules in mind. Experiment but don’t be stupid.

This Works…@Terdoh looking good

Know your environment
Imagine walking into a family meeting in bright yellow sausage casing jeans, blue and red supras and a tight tee. Won’t your family members conclude that the witches from your village have finally caught up with you? Get this wrong and end up looking like willie wonka’s evil twin. Do not for any reason wear bright coloured slim jeans except you’re Cabo snoop. Ok, wait, seriously. If you were a girl and Cabo snoop walked up to ‘toast’ you, would you listen? I didn’t think so too. Look around you, what is accepted? Answer then proceed to buy your jeans. Whatever you do, avoid looking like you’re in costume!


Tips and warnings.
Buy your jeans a size larger and wash them a few times to get a good fit
Do not wear your skinny jeans below your butt. It’s not sexy; it makes you look like toothpaste being squeezed out of the tube..

#Pause.

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA..I’m sorry. carry on.

Invest in a pair of high quality jeans if that’s all you can afford. Nothing says tacky more than cheap ‘denim’. Remember you don’t have to go for known names as long as what you can afford is of good quality! Some brands come with a little bit of spandex which helps the fit. Levis, urban outfitters have good jeans. Try them out.
Now, ll tell you where bode got it wrong. He was cute quite alright but then..
1) G-shocks; major no no for me. Too childish. My 14 year old brother doesn’t wear them anymore. And this dude is a fully grown Adult. why should he?

Maybe because Beiber’s Usher thinks it’s ok? no?

2) Ridiculously coloured Supras; same as number 1 except my brother still wears them.  If you’re going for some silly party, fine. You might be pardoned. Just don’t expect someone like me to ‘give you face’

3)Muscle tees: do I even need to talk about this?

“I may or may not be Igbo, ignore the gold chain” – @TheGreyGenesis

4) He carved his hair. if u carve your hair and dye it, we can never be friends. End of story.

This rules out 99% of Unilag boys 😦

I agree no one is perfect. I make fashion blunders once in a while too. Many of you flaunt smart phones, your browsers lay idle. Use google. Learn the rules. Read fashion blogs (this screams gay I know, but trust me, it helps build a more fashion conscious you). Yup, ask @TheToolsman So go out there, have fun and win the ladies! By the way, I was nice but firm in the ‘lecture’ I gave bode a few days later. He’s still not talking to me anymore but haayyyyy …

*****

That was Demi sharing some rare fashion tips with all you Boy Alinco wannabes. Here’s hoping you learned a thing or two. Feel free to let us know your thoughts on this topic and all..Remember you can send in your articles and if we find them good enough, they’ll go up. Stay tuned for our upcoming ‘event’ and follow us on Twitter @TheSarcasticCtr.