The iPad

The post you are about to read is completely fictional. Any semblance to real life characters and/or situations is purely coincidental and by mistake. The owners of this blog will like to state that they have the legal backing of the over 50 just graduated students of the NLS association of Twitter and so consideration should be considered before any legal action is considered.

Having said that, Welcome to OuterViews.

*Camera zooms in to Host, Newsroom style* In 5, 4, 3…

“Welcome to Outerviews, Indeed it has been a while. This is largely because we were restructuring and needed to restructure. Anyway, we are back now and we have a special to bring your way. Today, we shall be discussing the case of the missing iPad and to do justice to that, we have the victim and the suspect” (V and S)

*Camera zooms into Victim, wearing an “Occupy something” Tee shirt. Victim’s face seems stronger than the Hulk’s while taking a shit*

*Camera zooms into Suspect, wearing…aviator shades*

“Welcome guys, Mr Victim, can you please brief us on your grievances and what not?”

V: “Thank you so very much, Let me start with an Introduction: In the land of many victims, the man who dare the oppressor is seen to be mad. I am mad, but my friends and followers call me bobojuwa.  My grievances are tied to the fact that i have been iPadless since the 16th of June 2012. Let me help you understand that I am a man of no nonsense and as such I take no nonsense.

“*snickers* obviously…Can you tell us how you became iPadless dear Sir?”

V: “Thank you very much. You see, I took a flight from Abuja to Lagos and just as we were approaching the tarmac for landing, the on-board voice told us to buckle up and all. You see before then, I was checking out some recently saved Twitter avatars on the iPad and was pretty excited as they were quite ravishing and I was on my way to meet some of them and set that P. I must let you know I’m quite a celeb on the Twi with about 38,000 followers…”

“And you didn’t buy any of these followers Sir?”

V: “Thank you very much. Buy? No way! I worked hard to earn every single one of them. I am also a Twitter activist by hustle, My reputation has been built overtime. Where were you when we started the “Occupy Nigeria” Internet revolution? I single handed spearheaded that campaign even putting my neck on the line. Ahmean…I was sending Broadcasts, giving updates, claiming arrests here and there,anyway, so yes.. back to my iPad”

I leaned over and placed the iPad in the sidepocket of the seat as we prepared to land, I then closed my eyes to picture how i was going to knack the akpako when i meet these twitter girls. There was a smile on my face, I can remember as i saw in my mind’s eye the spanking, the thrusti…”

“Erm, Can you please focus on the iPad pls sir?”

V: “Thank you. So we landed and as we began to embark, My mind was fixated on who lay ahead. Choi! World class knacks yo. I got off the airline wondering why no one had come to usher me into a waiting rental limo, being a celeb and all. I was really depressed, no one flashing boobies either, no paparazzi, Which kain life? So I trudged over to the Taxi point and boarded a Taxi”

“It must have been a harsh blow Sir, to realize that your Online popularity did not transcend to the celeb status you assumed you had”

V: “Thank…Wait! What? Assumed ke?! It’s not your fault o. But you’re not lying sha, it pained me. So while i was in the Taxi, i thought about my life and where it was heading, Am i going to continue like this? When will people take me serious? How do I actually become a real life Celeb? I tried to distract myself as answers were not forthcoming so I reached into my man bag to please myself a bit before the P setting time and GHEUN! No iPad!! I dug deeper, maybe it had slid to the side; GHEUN! GHEUN!!!” No iPad!!! A smile played across my face as the Lord dropped an answer in my heart…”

“At this point, let us switch over and hear from the suspect. Sir, Your company has been fingered as the culprit in this matter of the missing iPad. What say you?”

S: “As a company that has been in business, for a long while and with staff that are paid well and taught the tenets of their job, I can state categorically that we did NOT take this man’s iPad. Why would we want to? Does it contain Kim Kardashians nudies in 3D? Does it have the Nuclear codes to destroy the world? Or does it contain the Date and Time of the World’s end? I do not know and really do not care. Even if it has Vic-O’s reset button, We still wouldn’t…em well, we might but my point is, we didn’t take his iPad”

“Have there been any moves to settle this situation to prevent any defamation and such?”

V: “Thank you. You see, when I was in the cab and I realised that I had forgotten my ipad in the airplane (Please ignore the fact that I forgot it by myself and by my own carelessness) I decided to make the most of it (also ignore the fact that I was at Allen Avenue (about 15minutes from the airport) when I had this epiphany) So I went back and one guy told me that they had put the ipad in my bag. (please ignore also the fact that I was foolish enough to believe him without asking how they knew it was my bag or my ipad). Sha sha, long story short, I did not see my ipad and I decided to make the most of it.

This was my chance, if I do this right, my Online celeb status shall be transformed to real life. Heck! I could become like Mr Fix TheNation and maybe become the Special Adviser to the President or Minister on missing items. So yes, the company contacted me and even offered me a compensation package that included me not revealing the contents of the compensation package, so don’t ask.

S: “An iPad is never a problem. We offered a package to avoid this becoming an Issue but Oga here seemed too strong headed and stubborn”

V: “Your father is the one that has strong head! Do you know how your company ruined my P setting plans and deflated my ego (that’s what I call my penis btw) Don’t tell me about strong head here. Whaddoyou know? Demmit!”

I shall fight this cause with all I have, I have filed complaint, printed shirts, even started a trend on Twitter (shit, I should add this to my bio) #****WhereIsMyIpad Because of me people are now aware that your company is responsible for any missing items. It doesn’t matter if it’s your brain, your heart or your Indomie seasoning. Anything that misses is your company’s fault. I shall not rest till my name is on every newspaper. I mean, I was pissed when I heard about the closure of this company some days ago, I wondered why I wasn’t credited because it was ME that was responsible for that. By my power, I single handedly shut down their operations and no credit was given to me. Not MTN, Not glo..NOTHING!!!

S: “This guy you really are suffering from grand delusions of grandeur…all this because you want to be a real life celeb?”

V: “Ya a bladdy nincompoopian vertebrate! Because you people have money, you want to ride on me abi? Ya mad. I’m suing for N50million damages, then I will buy my own jet and use it to jam your own in the sky. We will meet.”

“N50million for an iPad?” *gasp*

V: “Ehen?! For all the days I couldn’t set P and enlarge avatars with the iPad, I couldn’t even Instagram. I also lost followers because they didn’t see “…via Twitter for iPad” which we the celebs use. All these damages…oh plus the cost of printing T-shirts, and cost of buying back followers etc. You people think ees beans abi?  The story of my ipad has since become the story of a generation’s quest for justice and justice or nothing. I shall pursue it to the end. No retreat no Surrender. The quest for celebritism is real. Next step is Twitter Verification.

S: “I give up with this guy mehn…”

V: “* Twitter notification beep* Who is this Madame Koi Koi that is mentioning me now? *checks profile* Ah! she has links with wakanow, maybe if I vex her too,her company will..Dear God, another epiphany…”

*****

And there you have it guys, We at TSC don’t know what to make of this situation. We have decided to sit on the fence and watch this event unfold. We would like to thank our guests for stopping by and of course Thank you for reading. *pulls ear* We repeat that any semblance to real life events are completely co-incidental. Ehen!

Remember, we have the backing of the newly graduated NLS Lawyers on Twitter. Do NOT mess with us.

For Security reasons, Not because we are scared or anything like that, the Identity of this writer has been kept secret. TF are we deceiving?

OuterViews VI

I wanted to write an intro here but I couldn’t think of anything funny enough so I’m just gonna skip the intro and allow y’all read the post.

By @JussBasco

Welcome to the TSC studios once again, it’s a lovely day but for some “unknown” reason(s) the atmosphere in here seems to be down caste.

I am Basco; your host for today and I’m glad to finally get a chance to work with humans; let’s hope this goes well.

Anyways without wasting money(what y’all refer to as time)let’s invite our guest to the stage *round of applause*. *spotlight aims way too high from the side* Mr. Osita ihemen a.k.a. “Paw-Paw”

Paw-Paw: *Thick igbo accent* thank you vely much Mr.Basco, I’m vely pleased to be here before you and all my fans.

Basco: hmmmm, I see. So let’s get this show on the road, shall we? Please describe yourself briefly.

Paw-Paw: what? Are you trying to be funny? Do you know how often people tell smart jokes about my height? You,my friend are vely stale.

Basco: I’m sorry, what? What are you on about? Please don’t try me as I have a very short temper. Just answer my question and save us all this short-lived drama.

Paw-Paw: I see you’re still telling “short” jokes abi? *snaps fingers* we’ll see after this recording. To my fans, to describe myself in few words; I am a vely simple person with a vely simple taste of fashion and I am also God-fearing. Wait, I am also vely talented not only in acting but like my co-actors I also sing and I have started directing too and… *goes on and on for minutes*

Basco: Wow, so much for few words. Let’s try asking questions that won’t waste our money on this show. What’s your favourite brand of bicycles, cars rather.

Paw-Paw: well I like BMW

Basco: BMX is a good brand, I rode them well as a kid.

Paw-Paw: I said “B-M-Doblee you!” Are you deaf?

Basco: oh, my Bad. I thought you were kidding and so you know we marsians don’t have such a thing called “deafness”. So I take it that you have a chauffeur, true?

Paw-Paw: Ogini? What is that? Me I don’t have o. I don’t –

Basco: Easy, I meant “driver”

Paw-Paw: oh, na why you come dey speak in tongues? Well no we don’t have-

Basco: I’m sorry “we”?

Paw-Paw: Yes na, me and chinedu, “aki”. We share a car and take turns in handling the steer-ling; one laps the other and handles the pedals while the other turns the steer-ling.

Basco: I see. So which is your favorite? The steering or the pedaling?

Paw-Paw: The steer-ling o, pedaling gives me muscle pull every time because those pedals are too far down abeg.

Basco: ehya, I know how you feel… That shit brings primary school memories. And that’s not a short joke, that was a long time ago.

Paw-Paw: do you have a ploblem with people like me?

Basco: I’ll never understand you humans, I am the one asking the questions here, and what do you mean by people like you? My temper is getting a height reduction.

Paw-Paw: you see?! You see?!! You just did it again, saka will never tleat my kind this way- My people will never tleat my kind this way. Please go back to your people.

Basco: I hope you all are seeing who started the segregation. Saka, you’re seeing it all. Anyways without wasting anymore money, let’s invite another guest from the same “industry” to the stage… *spotlight aims at balls* Mr. Chidi Mokeme

Chidi: *igbo-Jand accent* bless you brof. I’m absolutely and entirely delighted to be on this prestigious show. *streches hand forward for a handshake*

Basco: *dogdes handshake and shifts on chair* I’m sorry, I’m germ conscious, but nice to have you on here too. It’s been a looong time since we last heard from you *smirks at paw paw*. So what have you been up to?

Chidi: well, I’ve been putting my entrepreneurial skills to play and it’s been working wonders for me. I’m also working on my albu-

Basco: hold up. Did you say entrepreneurial? Are we missing something? The last time I checked I was told that you sold dildoes and was doing a “high-class” woman. Could that be what you were just referring to now?

Chidi: *failed attempt at a straight face* I really don’t know what you’re talking about, I can sue you for defamation you know?… Saka and his crew won’t recover from this..

Basco: Brof, permit me to call you that. Please don’t see it as a low blow *smirks again* it was a simple question and I’m sure our viewers have gotten their answers now.

Paw-Paw: abeg, wetin be “di-li-do”? I will be vely much interested in selling too, I go like buy your kind outfit sef.

Chidi: Osi, it’s “Dildo” and it’s an artificial male sex organ that comes in different colours and sizes; same shape though.

Paw-Paw: Tufia! Ogini? Ritual money? I no do… Why will you be cutting people’s manhood? Chidi!!! Why?!!! *unconsciously protects crotch*

Basco: paw paw… Didn’t you hear “artificial”? It’s man made man hood. And Chidi, you should get off your high horse and explain better to those with little knowledge you know?

Paw-Paw: okaaay!!… I don know am now, those things wey them dey *censored*

Basco: Yes, those. *smirks* so chidi, there was a time you were the host of that reality show “G****r Ultimate search” what happened? Why were you dropped?

Chidi: dropped? *Ghen Ghen laughter*…I refused the offer for the next season; flor- I mean, my business was paying way better than that show.

Basco: hmmmn, what did you call that term again? Defamation right? *nods*… Seen

Chidi: I,.. I,I… I. *fakes cough*… I need water please.

Paw-Paw: solly, solly…

Basco: well, Paw-Paw, what do you have to say to the viewers as we’re signing out very soon.

Paw-Paw: viewers, let me tell you people something now, I was very under-rated because of a certain mal-function in my body, but that dissapointment was turned around for positive thing. People, the only limitations are the ones you want to see… Don’t ever feel limited.

Basco: Hmmmn, deep. Chidi, you?… Anything at all?

Chidi: well, as you can see I didint wait around to get “jobs” or “appointments”. I created jobs for myself and others… So people, dig deep for where your passion lies and capitalize on it. You don’t have to be an employee, try being the employer, thank you.

Basco: Well folks, you’ve heard it all. Though we had high and low moments on this show, it’s has come to an end, we should really clap for the words of wisdom from our nollywood stars.
*Standing ovation, round of applause*

viewers, listeners or readers, thank you all for your money and please watch this space for another money wasting outterview soon from the TSC crew. I also apologise on behalf of the dude handling the spotlight for giving paw-paw’s spotlight to Chidi and vice versa.
From we at TSC it’s Bye and God Bless. *unclips mic*
Ehen, paw paw what were you saying was gonna happen after the show?

Paw Paw: what else now? I’ll leave the studio na *jumps off stool and runs*

Basco: Earthlings are just pussies- wait, I hope that’s not on tape? *shrugs* I’m above human law and won’t apologise to short humans for this. Bye.

————————————————-

IMPORTANT INFO
Hey people, so I’m doing an “All I want for Christmas”post coming up next week. Here’s your chance to put that Christmas list out there using TSC as your medium. You get to mention what you want/desire for Christmas and if brave enough, mention who you want it from. Now your Bf, Gf, admirers etc can’t form “I didn’t know what you’d want”
Send your entry (not more than 50 words) to mrkelvinis@gmail.com before wednesday 14th Dec to feature in the post.
NB: Twitter handles would be used..Gracias.

OuterViews V

Hello, welcome to Outerviews today. It is I, the beautiful, delectable, amazing – 

*Saka cuts in*, “hey, this is not your show!” 

OK, whatever! *whispers* “Saka likes me.” 

Anyway, it is I, @TheFakeesse, Ifunanya of #EsseBoobs fame. (Yes, this is shameless self promotion, but who cares?) Anyway, I wil be your host today, and on the show, we have amazing multi-talented Nollywood star, businezz (she made me spell it this way) tycoon and all round diva.. I give you, Tonto Dikeh!!!!!

*applause from mainly Africa Magic filled Audience*

Please note, due to the nature of this outerview, my default facial expression varied from O_O to O_o

Tonto: *bluzhez* Thankz, my loveliez.
Me: Umm…. OK… Welcome, Miss Tonto. You are even more beautiful in person.
Tonto: Oh, thankz… I uze a lot of beauty productz. You know becauze I’m light zkinned I have to uze foundation and lot of toning…
Me: O_o *interrupting* But, I didn’t ask about your beauty regimen, Miss Tonto. And I guess this is as good a time as any to ask about your very obvious aversion to the letter ‘S’.
Tonto: Ahhh.. that. Yez. Peope alwaiz azk me that. But I don’t have anything againzt ‘S’. I juzt like Z becauze it resemblez the mark of Zorro. I love Antonio Banderaz.
Me: O_o But that’s not even how you spell his name…. *sigh* Never mind. So, tell us, you actually studied Petrochemical Engineering? You must be very intelligent.
Tonto: Oh, please! Don’t make me bluzh! Well, thank you. I am very brilliant. I had good gradez and it’z my love for acting that made me go into the businezz. I could have found a job anywhere I want.
Me: O_O -___- *nods* Very modest, are we? I don’t doubt it for a second. Moving on, there have been a lot of rumours and gist because of your recent movies. Most of these movies star you, Muna Obiekwe and an old man of forgettable name

*Saka hands me piece of paper*

Oh, yes, Jibola Dabo. Are you not afraid these movies might damage your already shaky reputation?
Tonto: *Laughs* What shaky reputation? My reputation is not shaky. It’z az firm az Muna Obiekwe’z ztomach.
Me: O_O *interrupting again* B-but, do you think that’s the best comparison for you to use in relation to the word “firm?”
Tonto: Can you pleaze ztop interrupting my thoughtz? I’m trying to think and you’re not helping with your nosy parking!
Me: O_o Nosy parking?! Err…. I’m not sure such a thing exists..
Tonto: Trust me you don’t want to see my red eyez! Ztop correcting me!
Me: O_O Your red… OK. You are very popular on the social networking site Twitter. Why do you enjoy tweeting so much?
Tonto: Oh, It’z becauze of my fanz! Everything I’m doing iz for the fanz. And like you zaid, I am very popular and thiz iz becauze of my many fanz and alzo…

*Loud noise in studio as someone walks unto the set*

Nonhle Thema: (to Tonto) Excuse me, you? Popular? Plenty fans? Hello!!! I AM your walking God. I run Twitter. Everyone worships me on there.
Me: O_O I’m sorry, who is this?
Tonto: *stands and does the Blackberry girls clap* Ehn eehn!!! Who is this one?! Do I know you from anywhere?? 

*Argument continues between Tonto and Nonhle*

Me: Producer!! Saka!!! What is all this? Is this what you called me to be doing?! I quit!
Saka: Wait, let me fix it…

*Two hefty looking men come and bundle Nonhle in Bagco super sack and carry her to God knows where.*

Tonto: What rubbish! What arrant nonsense! *primps hair and rolls eyes*
Me: I’m so sorry. We apologize for the embarrassment.
Tonto: It’z alright. Go on.
Me: So tell us, you have ventured into the music industry? Do you think that Nigeria is ready to accept Tonto as a singer?
Tonto: Well…

*loud noise again as someone hurries unto set*
Me: Oh God, not again!
Apollonia: (to Tonto) Eheen! Shey iwo ni Miss Fasson Internasona (Fashion International) I’ve been find you since! Dat other day as I wave to you, o dami lohun! Iz it not you I’m greeting???
Tonto: WHAT THE HELL?! Who iz thiz nincompoop?!
Me: Saka, I can’t please. You’re not paying me enough for all this drama.
Saka: Wait. Apollo, come. This is not your movie set. Come let’s go and find your friend Mary Remmy. I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you.
Apollo: Aah… oda! Lerrus go! You, Toto, I will catch you in some other times. Olori gbeske oshi..

*follows Saka out of building*

Me: O_O I am sorry. 
Tonto: *speaks unprintable English* Hizzz! Continue, jare!
Me: OK, then. Next question. A lot of people seem to be… fascinated by your name…. do you want to say anything on that? You know, set the record straight once and for all?
Tonto: *laughs* Yez, yez. I hear all the jokez on Twitter…
Me: O_O *interrupts* I’m sorry, you HEAR the…
Tonto: *flashes me a glimpse of ‘red eyez’*
Me: *shuts up quick*
Tonto: Az I waz zaying, “Tonto Dikeh” iz actually my ztage name. My full name is Toronto D.K.N.Y. Because I was conceived in Toronto, and born in New York. But people are alwayz accuzzing me of prouding…
Me: O_O 😐 O_o -___-
Tonto: *continuing* Zo, I zhortformed it to Tonto. You know Toronto to Tonto. Quite catchy, eh? Zo, I removed the two city names. Toronto and N.Y. Zo, now I have Tonto D.K. Zo, my manager changed the D.K. to Dikeh zo that it can appeal to more Nigerianz.
Me: O_O First of all, Miss Toronto, that is the most ridiculous name story I ever heard. Second, ‘shortformed’ is NOT even a word. Ahn ahn!
Tonto: You know what?! I’ve had it with you and your nonzenze and ingredientz, coming here, wasting my time, all the harrassment!
Me: O_O
Tonto: I’m out! I can’t take theze busheet!!! I’m gonna call my lawyerz and producerz.
Me: *whispers* Producers kwa?! *calls out to her* B-but, wait… Miss Toronto!!!

Tonto storms out in anger. As she walks away, the 8 inch heels of her Louboutins break and she falls and hits her head on the floor. Her head cracks open and blood, a white Blackberry torch, and many strands of Muna Obiekwe’s chest hair all spill out.

Me: O_O Saka, I quit yo. I’m not cut out for this. *exits*

* * * * * *

Esse! Baby! Wait!!! *sigh*™ *pockets white torch sharply*

In Other news people, asides for OuterViews, feel free to send in your stories, articles, whatever. As long as they aren’t effective sleep inducers, they are much welcome on TSC.

Till I can successfully think up something to get you on here again, here’s a piece of advice: “Christmas is coming. You might wanna stock up on your Omo and persil. That which wasn’t possible in the summer can be possible in Winter. Amen somebody?”

DEVelaTION I

IMPORTANT INFORMATION
Dear reader/viewer/whoever you are, due to the fiery nature of this Outerview, we shall not be posting any pictures. This is to keep the physical identity of our guest completely secret. This is also because he/it/she is known to take up various forms as was the case during this meeting.

MORE IMPORTANT INFORMATION
This outerview was carried out in temperatures reaching 50 degrees Celsius somewhere near Ladipo market, Oshodi. Let’s just say we needed something close to our guests natural habitat and a perfect setting where he likes to reside.

VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION
This post is not for the lily livered, infact it contains subtle revelations the writer recieved. If you consider yourself easily offended, then I advice that you close this browser page right this moment. However, if you decide to engage yourself reading through the content of my twisted mind, then do not hold me responsible for what you might come out with. Further personal ‘study’ is also encouraged. Its that sort of deep post..yeah…

We may proceed…

Close this page now…

I have told u o..ehen!

* * *

Me: Our guest today is very popular worldwide, known on all continents and even realms beyond our familiar planet. Different people refer to him in different dialects but he’s still one and the same. A globe trotter of sorts. Funny though, I didn’t have to travel far to get him on the show tonight. You know what they say about an idle mind? It kinda attracts him. Yes. Ladies, Gentlemen, bots , insects, weirdos, trannies, and MTN staff you are welcome to Outerviews.
This is a special edition as you can see, reaching you live from my idle mind with surrounding temperatures as hot as hell, let us welcome our guest for today, the one, the only D’evil.

Cue music: ‘Zombie’ Cranberries *crickets*
D’evil comes on staged dressed in Prada*

Me: You’re welcome sir, hope you don’t intend to stay long here in my mind?
D’evil: I’ll stay as long as you let me *evil laugh* muhahahaha* Yes guys, the original evil laugh is ‘muhahaha’ not ‘buhahaha’ Write that down.
Me: before we proceed sir, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
D’evil: I do.
Me: Errr…is that the truth?
D’evil: Are you fucking kidding me? I swear. What? Do you want me to put my finger to the ground, stick it in my mouth, point to the fucking sky and say ‘God’ too?
Me: That might help.
D’evil: who even taught you guys that stuff? That’s just nasty mehn.
Me: ok sir, we may proceed.
D’evil: yeah, we better, you know how I like moving from place to place seeking whom to devour..
Me: Very well then, I must commend your attire today. Who are you wearing?
D’evil: *chuckles* Well, the suit like you know is by Prada, I’m wearing shoes by BOSS, based on who I am, then my time piece is Eternity by Calvin Klein, you know I have to keep up with the times. And my fragrance is Death by Versace, he made that specially for the show.
And yeah, let me use this opportunity to say fuck that shit y’all heard about horns and a tail. What do I look like? Asterix or fucking Obelix? Y’all need to correct that shit or I swear imma bust major caps in yo asses when we meet yo! *rick ross grunt*

Me: Ok sir, let’s move on to more personal information. Can you tell us your real names, where you’re from, date of birth? The kinda info you fill on facebook?
D’evil: well like you know I’m D’evil aka Sayten but my friends call me Lou.C.fa..yeah I’m from *pause* well, I used to reside in Heaven (which is somewhere above cloud 9) but I got tired and decided to come to earth cos it rocks!
Me: is this the truth sir, cos what we read in the bible..
*cut short*
D’evil: Are you calling me a liar?
Me: well…
D’evil: how dare you call me a liar. You will refer to me as the FATHER of LIES and not a liar! you chinese technological replica of a bad imitation of a celestial being.
Me: ok sir..date of birth?
D’evil: I was born before the foundations of the earth so do the math..Isaiah 14: 12-20 helps you understand sha..
Me: a bilble passage? You know the Bible?
D’evil: who fights a battle without knowing anything about his opponent(s) *shrugs*

Me: Right Sir, can you tell us what happened in the garden of eden with Adam n eve?
D’evil: I hope you know I ruled the earth before Adam and eve came to be..Genesis explains that. HE told adam to REplenish the earth right? ‘RE’ means to ‘do again’ this means something had happened to the earth before and it was adams job to make it right again…
Me: Yes…
D’evil: I walked among men. Lived among them and was king over them. I had access to Heaven, I came and went as I pleased. (Isaiah 14: 16). I was an authority, I weakened nations..that was not enough…There was a first flood that wiped the whole earth (this was before adam). This was the flood that made the earth void and without form. Adam was made to start a new earth…
Me: So you wanted to stop Adam..
D’evil: Yes. When HE created man in His image and likeness, it was the biggest Insult dealt to me. HE made man and gave him all of HIMSELF. I was banished from Heaven because I wanted to be like HIM.
Me: Isaiah 14:13 says you were banished because you said in your heart “I will ascend into Heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God…”
D’evil: same difference noni…notice ‘ASCEND’..for those doubting that I actually ruled on earth. I desired to be just like The Most HIGH v. 14…all I wanted, HE gave man (adam) just like that. SHIT!!!
Me: Hence you planned to make man sin..
D’evil: well, I never force anyone to do anything. For all of you that say “D’evil made me do it” I’m waiting for you. I just suggest, ask questions, Twist the truth a bit…Adam made his choice, he listened to his ‘help’ such help she turned out to be right? Muhahahaha…

Me: ok sir, let’s move on..who’s your fave musician?
D’evil..Oh! They differ mehn..right now, I be jamming some Jay and Kanye..you know them niggas got my back. Watching my throne and shii..Last week we had a mad Fela Concert yo! There was kush everywhere and you needed to see them Naija niggas doing some alanta ish yo..like they got fire all o’er their body..oh wait. They did. Muhahaha.
Me: favorite game?
D’evil: well its a tie between God of war and Devil may cry..
Me: Jesus! You play God of war?
*D’evil kneels*
Me: O_o
D’evil: *sigh*™ He’s Lord…You just had to mention the name didn’t you?
Me: Oh, jesus?
*D’evil kneels again* “He’s Lord”
Me: oh! I see “at the mention of the name..”

Me: ok sir, as we round up this meeting, some few questions left.. Is there really hell?
D’evil: Nigga u crazy? Doesn’t this scorching sun prove to you that Hell is real? Did you ever think you’ll experience something this hot? I’m sure you didn’t. Hence its understandable that some live in denial..its allowed, I’ve got lotsa room for them in death.
Me: Can you tell us some people that are there?
D’evil: how about I tell you who isn’t? Fela, Abacha, Idi-Amin,..
Me *interrupts* but you said Fela conce..
D’evil: Muhahahaha..I’m joking jare
Me: No you’re lying.
D’evil: Are you calling me a liar?
Me: No, I didn’t say that.
D’evil: Now YOU are lying, you insinuated it.
Me: insinuations and spoken words are not the same.
D’evil: Out of the heart…
Me: but I didn’t speak, I just typed this
D’evil: *growls*
Me: Gotcha!
D’evil: *does waka sign* Your Father!
Me: Eyssss!!!

D’evil: look man, I gotta go, I’ve gotta convince Ugo, Victor, Deola, Coco and Bankole to watch that porn movie. I also have to give MTN staff some ideas on worsening their service. Oh! There’s also Tonto, she’s thinking of another duet, I’m tryna convince her to go for it, how can I forget the oracle, Nigga needs questions for tonight and there’s no better mind for my evening relaxation.
Can we continue this sometime soon? Yes/No? I’ll find you.
*D’evil vanishes*

Me: Emm, people, errr…
(To be Continued)

OuterViews IV

*In serious, stern face* The Outerview you are about to read is one laced with subtle hints of brilliance, bravery and depth. Our desire to bring you the inside scoop of happenings all around us sometimes drives us to places that even Angels and/or demons fear to tread. Seeing as I’m none of the above (I’m a ‘scent’), I decided to send in a daring correspondent, a patient of chronic psychosis, a morphed chinese fish..A Sushey.

* * *

It was with a great sense of pleasure and humility that I accepted to take part in this endeavour to educate since that is my initial calling. Ever heard the “I am Larry Sushey, everyone needs to learn the stuff I teach” line? No? Well now you have. Listen attentively as I will take you on an underground tour of enlightenment, through the embers of the mind of one the wise men from the east. Not Anambra o! I mean the Middle – East. (Wonder why they call it that)

And yeah… This post is sponsored by Saka’s Stick- PaRtiNg rEd SEaS sInCe 1991.

*Venue: Some dingy studio in Ramallah
*Outerviewer: Larry Sushey
*Outerviewee: Mahmood Abass (Palestinian PM)
*Time: 1:45 am

First things first, let me say that it took me almost four hours to explain to the Palestinian authorities that this was a radio interview and we therefore wouldn’t be needing a sign language interpreter. These people are very stubborn. They say almost half the population is deaf, I say the other half don’t listen. Anyway, here goes… Enjoy and learn!
N.B they had a machine that translated everything I said to Arabic for Mr. Abbas to read from so he was reading my questions in Arabic.

Larry Sushey: Good morning your Excellency. It is a real pleasure to be here. We…

Mahmood Abbas: ثتقفق شفق عتق لاشزقفسي?

Interpreter: Where is camera?

Larry Sushey: This is a radio program sir…

Mahmood Abbas: *chuckles* تجتققتشستججتق ح لجفاقع.

Interpreter: President laugh, he forget.

Larry Sushey: O_o You recently submitted a document at the United Nations hq in New York seeking an independent state of Palestine. How is that going?

Mahmood Abbas: ثق تسئق يخةزحععقب حع ح نخيع تجدق غتسع عتق حولحبقكي تسئق وجع عتفجثو حع خوبقف عتق لأسفدقع.

Interpreter: We have submit a big paper, we just hope the infidels don’t kolobi it.

Larry Sushey: Who are the infidels?

Mahmood Abbas: O_o شفق هجخ زسب? حيفسقك شوب هشومقق جل لإجخفيق…

Interpreter: *spits* Are you mad? Israel and America of course!

Larry Sushey: *swallows spit and adjusts bullet proof vest* Okay. Educate our listeners on this occupation brouhaha between you and Israel.

Mahmood Abbas: ةقلجفق 1948 تسئق هجخ تقشفب جل شوه ذكسلاق لاشككقب حيفسقك? عتجيق دقجذكق بجخاتع خي حو ساعة ثسف، خيقب جنجفج عج ثحو شوب يعجكق جخف كشوب.

Interpreter: Before 1948, there is no place call Israel. They scatter all over the world and that is why Hitler want to kill them. They go to your land and want to thief everything and take over. That is their flavour. They come and engage us in illegal war, use ojoro and win and they occupy Palestinian territory after we have agree give them small land to farm and build temple of worship. They are infidels and Hamas and Fattah will…

Larry Sushey: *faces interpreter* So you mean to tell me that the few sentences his excellency spewed is this long when translated. Are you sure you aren’t adding somethings by yourself? O_o

Interpreter: O_O. No. *sips green tea*

Larry Sushey: Sorry about that sir. Have you explored dialogue as a means of resolving this conflict?

Mahmood Abbas: ثتسع لإجفولكشمقي?

Interpreter: What cornflakes?

Larry Sushey: C O N F L I C T not cornflakes.

Mahmood Abbas: جت هقي. هجخ يقق، دسكقيعحوحسوي شفق ساعة دقسلاقلخك دقجذكق. قئقفهعحزق ثق أج عج عتق عشةكق عتق حيفسقكحي يعسكك عتق عسكمي. عتقه بجوع ثسوع عج كقسئق. ثق تسئق لحوشككه بقلاحبقب غتسع ثق ثسوع جخف جثو لإجخوعفه. لحوحيت!

Interpreter: Palestinians is a peace loving people. We have go to the table to talk many times but the infidel, sorry, Israeli always not agree to our conditions. They don’t like peace. So no more talk till we have our country!

Larry Sushey: With all due respect sir, how do you get your country without a peaceful resolution via dialogue first? Have you relaxed your conditions?

Mahmood Abbas: ثق بج وجع جثق حع عج فقكسر جخف لاجوبحعحجويز جخف بقلاحيحجو حي لحوشك شوب ثق ثحكك وجع ةخباق غحكك ثق اقع ثتسع ثق ثسوع. ثق عفحقب بحسكجاخق حع بحبوع ثجفم، وجث ةه لحفق ةه لجفلاق، ثق ثحكك اقع جخف وسعحجو.

Interpreter: We will not relax anything! This is our land and they must accept our condition. If not we must get our country by fire by force first then we discuss again.

Larry Sushey: You said earlier that Israel didn’t exist before 1948. The Bible says they’ve been since beginning of time however. What do you say to this?

Mahmood Abbas: لجفاقع غتسع عتحوا! حي حع وجع زسو غتسع ثفجعق عتق ةحةكث? بجوع عفخيع زسو ج! ةقيحبقي، عتحي حي وجع سةجخع فقكحاحجو. حع حي سةجخع كشوب.

Interpreter: Forget all that. Man wrote the Bible, man can lie very much. Also, this not about religion. It’s about land.

Larry Sushey: Okay sir, any last words for our listeners before we leave the studio?

Mahmood Abbas: دسكقيحوق حي ساعة ئقفه ةقشخعحلخك لاجخوعفه. ثق تسئق أججب عقش، أججب كشوب شوب وسعخفسك يغفحددقفي. عتقه بج وجع لاشكك حع أشءس يغفحد لجف وجعتحوا. شكيج عتقفق حي عجخفحيع سععفشلاعحجو كحمق يتقحم سفشلشع’ي إفسئق شوب عتق لقؤلاق سع أشءس. هجخ يتجخكب.

Interpreter: Palestine is beautiful country. We have tea and good farmland. We have tourist attraction like big mosque and Yasser Arafat grave. We also have the infidel fence put up by those pigs and the best strippers in the world in Gaza. They don’t call it Gaza strip for nothing. Visit us again.

Larry Sushey: Thank you Mr. Presi…

*They blindfold me, lead me through the back door and drive me to the airport with a sack of green tea*

All the while I’m thinking, what the hell is wrong with these people?!

Larry Sushey.

*camera re focuses on me #AsaBawse*
Don’t deny, we blew you away with our Arabic lines. #dontLieAdmitIt.
right, right..here on Outerviews, we desire to educate as well as entertain you. Don’t lie, some of you didn’t know that Mahmood Abass is the Prime Minister of *scrolls up to check the country again* Yeah..Yeah. Well we’ve schooled you once again. Be thankful.
Oh by the way, its @SlevinCalevra’s birthday today. Just incase you didn’t know, he’s the same person as Larry Sushey. Drop him a birthday wish, credit etc. I’ll try to make sure he gets it.

Oh yeah, to my comrades, friends and family off to serve our mother abi na fatherland in this NYSC batch, pls stay alive. Terdoh, my man, see this as your opportunity to get familiar with your roots. #NoAgbo.

Yeah, so till next time when we come your way again, hit the subscribe button, tell your friends, Enemies and followers that TSC is the place to be.
*now back to writing that ‘dry friday’ post*

OuterViews III

*walks into recording studio furiously having upper and lower teeth conversations with the unlucky piece of what was once a ram* Keeps chewing irritatingly…attempts to talk with mouth full (no luck)* signals producer to ‘hold on’*…*licks fingers, all five of them, then wipes mouth with back of palm*

Eid Mubarak my brothers and sisters..*looks at other piece of meat in hand* You know what, @xoAFRO will just host you guys today. I can’t. *kisses meat*

Laugh wherever you see Laugh

NB: anywhere you see #LAUGH, kindly insert the fake sitcom laughter so that our audience would think that the show is actually funny. Thank you!

“On the screen, it’s xoAFROoooo!!!”

#LAUGH

*Walks in with typing exclamation marks (Levi’s ex-girlfriend skinnies) and rocking my CAPSLOCKS  (high tops),  spacebar mode of course! (shirtless)*

Before we get on with today’s Night of a thousand yimus, what did the fractured femur say to the spinal cord?

“Back when I was broke, yo!”

#LAUGH

*Dodges silk panties and brassieres being tossed on stage*

Gentlemen, please, you can like to keep those Classic knickersTM  on, thank you!

Today we shall keep it as fluid as possible.  #LAUGH. After all It’s The SirKastiq Center’s OuterViews show and you know what to expect. Terdoh you can pass the free tubes of lube around now and no, you don’t have to go naked to get gifts here *Hi5s Kelvin*#LAUGH

Get on, shall we?

On the show today shall be a selection of Nigerian entertainers, the popular ones. Put your hands together as we welcome… *You there clapping, did I tell you to clap?* #LAUGH. Yes, we have  D’Banj,  Davido, Duncan Mighty, Ice Prince, and we shall be asking them all the questions we’ve always wanted to ask, those questions that came to mind after we listened to their songs and had  a ??? moment.

Leggo!

“So, err, it seems all of you have been creating your own sounds of late; I would not say the sounds are meaningless because they might in fact obfuscate very ‘otionic’ nuggets of wisdom that even get Johnny ‘Depth’ in a tidy fix. We’d start with you D’Banj. What is Lebete?”

“I’m D’Banj, my Jamaican friends call me…”

Dont ask me, i dont know where my Harmonica is

“Skibanj? I think we’ve heard that too many times, can you answer the question please?” #LAUGH

“Lebete is…  when you lay… X_O

**For future references, kindly Refer to X_O as the ‘Help me! I am dizzy’ look

“Since SkiBanj appears to be rolling in the deep, err, Davido, what exactly does ‘ah na na na na ni na ni nooo’ in your new single, Dami duro, mean?

What the fuck is Ijo Shina Rambo? The way the body of the victims of the retired armed robbery legend shook violently when he punctured it with bullets?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“Wikipedia says Shina Rambo is actually a pastor now so I guess Ijo Shina Rambo might be a more spiritual sort of gyration. I think we should move on to other things. Errr, there are some interesting concepts we’ve also found in your music, all of you. We shall start with you Duncan Mighty.

I'm a Port-Harcourt militant...

In your song, I don’t give a shot, you suggested that the behind of a woman can shoot a catapult and blow peanuts, some kalaku too, whatever that means. Can you kindly explain how all these things are possible? Peanut producing booties are sort of rare where I’m from”

X_O

#LAUGH

“Does anybody know what they’re singing about at all? What of you Ice Prince?

Feeling my superstar? No?

In your song, Juju, you claimed to be the milk in the game, and I quote, ‘No tea, homie’. We shall ignore that a Chocolate City representative has some Lipton when no one is looking and we shall also ignore that you ended a lot of lines on that album with exclamations of ‘man ‘and ‘homie’ (although that made us quite uneasy).  The question really is where is milk needed in the game? Which game needs milk? I’ve actually never seen anyone pour a jug of milk on a Ludo board?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“Okay, Ice Prince, this should be easier, in your song Magician, your lines are quoted this ‘You dey make my head pop champagne; Imma vote for you girl like campaign’, can you please explain the logic behind those lines? How a head pops champagne? How one can vote during a campaign?”

“Your head can pop champagne.”

“How?”

Ice Prince: “You’re a guy, you should know which head I’m referring to”

#LAUGH

“But we have ladies in the audience?”

Ice Prince: “They should ask the guys”

“Fair enough, but what of the voting-campaign riddle?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“While you’re still thinking up an answer, Ice Prince you also rapped and I quote ‘I just want a piece of that potion’. How exactly can one get a piece of a potion? The logic defeats us all. Can one use a chainsaw to rip apart the contents of a cup of agbo?”

X_O

#LAUGH

“That should be all for today, we thank you all for tuning in. We also encourage you to buy original copies of their albums because riddles are good for the mind. Original copies oh! All of you stealing a hundred and fifty Naira….  X_O  Really!!!

“Err, can the medical team come with stretchers so they can carry these entertainers out to reboot them?”

#LAUGH

Till next time, on the screen, it’s xoAFROoooo!!!”

OuterViews II

Good day Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the first sequel of the Outerviews. I am Terdoh BenFranklin, standing in for Sirkastiq. Saka stepped on many toes last week, causing the Prof to dabaru his career, so he couldn’t make it today. We are currently saving money to buy cardboard so we can tender his problem for a solution to be proferred.
Nonetheless, the show must go on. So today, we have in the house, the one and only Col. Muammar al-Quaddafi.

*face pops up on skype screen*

*crowd gasps*

Quaddafi: Who are all these people? I thought this was supposed to be a sex chat room. This was not the plan. You are a man of your word Kelvin. I’m disappointed.

Terdoh: Kelvin is not here sir. He is backstage tendering to his enlarged phallus. Sir Gaddafi, Can you kindly tell us where you are presently?

Quaddafi: What did you call me?

Terdoh: Sir Gaddafi sir…

Quaddafi: That’s not my name. Walahi what is this?? First there are no male virgin strippers, and now they can’t get my name?

Terdoh: Could you help us out with the spelling sir?

Quaddafi: C-O-L. Q-A-D-D-A-P-I. Col. Guaddafi.

Terdoh: o_O What tribe are you from?

Quaddafi: I’m hausa ko. Hagane.

Terdoh: Wait. You’re not even Libyan?

Quaddafi: No. But the plastic surgeon did a good job making me look Michael Jacksoney. We thank Allah.

Terdoh: Sir, you didn’t answer my question.

Quaddafi: Which is?

Terdoh: Where are you reaching us from?

Quaddafi: Oh! Hawaii, damburoba.

Terdoh: Is that what they call that compartment in hell?

Quaddafi: Hell? Toh, so you think I’m dead?

Terdoh: We saw a video sir.

Quaddafi: With the bitch mallam saying “Don’t shoot me”? That wasn’t me. That was that guy from the Sawaleh post. What’s his name again? 46? Yes. The same one.

*Gaddafi’s phone rings* *Ringtone is track 3 of Wizkid’s superstar album*

Terdoh: Sir, with all undue respect, is that “Scatter the floor”?

Quaddafi: Yes. I believe it is. After I saw that video of ‘myself’ being pushed around on that desert floor, I thought it befitting.

*Gaddafi crooks his middle and index fingers at the word “myself”, and then answers call*

Quaddafi: Yes, where were we?

Terdoh: So you’re implying you’re not really dead?

Quaddafi: Dead? No. I am immortal. I saw the video though. Ha! “Don’t shoot”. Prime entertainment. Although, I’m a bit disappointed at the shooter. I paid that double good money, and I was going to be entertained watching ‘my’ proceedings in court.

*again with the finger-thing*

Terdoh: I see. Shall we move on to your family? I will start with your wife. How is she?

Quaddafi: You mean Fatima al-Nuri?

Terdoh: Isn’t it spelt “Fatiha”?

Quaddafi: Again, gross misunderstanding with the names. Anyway, I dumped her. She’s rich. She can fend for herself.

Terdoh: May I ask why?

Quaddafi: For one, she can pronounce the word “Akpu”. Never seen any hausa girl that can pronounce “Akpu”. She was cheating.

Terdoh: And your sons?

Quaddafi: I hope they’re getting pussy. I
sure would love some.

Terdoh: You don’t seem very concerned about their safety, considering your reputation.

Quaddafi: If the world can fall for the same trick that Michael Jackson has been doing with Tito for over 20 years, I don’t think they have a problem.

Oh, and I might add. I heard you people cracking jokes about my demise. Stupid shit like “Now that Gadaffi has been dragged out of the tunnel, I hope Libyans can see the light at the end of it”. There is no light to be seen, morrafukas! I, Col. Mohammed Gadapi…

Terdoh: Moammar sir…

Quaddafi: You will tell me my own name again?

*Bin Laden pops into the screen*

Quaddafi: This is my shot! Osama. Get your own laptop with skype.

*Bin Laden staggers away mumbling something about the virgins being recycled in Hawaii*

Quaddafi: Don’t mind him. Osama Bin Drinking. Where was I? Yes! I heard you people cracking stupid jokes about my death. I hope you know I’m following you on twitter. I will be back soon. I would have gotten my account verified, but that would mean going to that twitter office. I might as well turn myself in. Ko.

Terdoh: So what is your message to the people or the youths out there?

Quaddafi: You are being deceived. Kanye West is a fool. Obama is my guy. Bin Laden and I are still alive, and Idi Amin is gangsteh.

Idi Amin: *does Rick Ross grunt*

Terdoh: Striking resemblance. Thank you for the message. And thank you for honouring us with your pres… WHAT WAS THAT??

Quaddafi: There seems to have been an explosion here! I can’t really talk right now! I need to take my remaining 55 virgins and leave! I’ll be back!

*Terry G’s Knack You Apkako plays in the background as virgins run about in confusion in skype video*

*curtain falls*