Signs & Wonders

Every year, there’s some prophetic declaration that Pastors pronounce. It doesn’t even matter if they hear from God. You know, because, sometimes the lord might be busy handling other important stuff like the war in the middle east, Donald Trump’s wig or Vic -O. Hence it’s a general occurrence when they (the pastors) follow the spirit (alcohol) and make these pronouncements under the influence.

One of the most common ones is “The year of Signs & Wonders”. The thing about this is that, whatever happens must be a sign or wonder. It must sha fall into one of the categories, so pastors can’t go wrong with this.

On that note, welcome to 2016 – A year of signs and wonders. In case you’re looking for a sign, they are everywhere. This year, you will not experience bewilderment and utter flummoxation! You will not look at a sign and wonder “The fuck?” Your signs will be clearer than Toke’s skin magnified and projected on HD. Better say Amen!

Now, there’s a set of human-like living things who apart from the above mentioned pastors, occasionally put up sign posts – usually warnings, or advertisement of their services or shops and how they can be located. ‎I call them human-like because (opposed to normal humans) their signs almost always carry the most ridiculous contents

Of course I took pictures of them. Help me understand these signs because I’m sure the people who put some of them up meant them as jokes…

 

I almost drove into the car ahead when i saw this

I almost drove into the car ahead when i saw this

“Fuckenizer?” That’s definitely a hybrid vulcanizer fuck boy right? Like, I’m coming. Are the tyres a representation of his rubber size? Is he trying to say he’s going to need something that huge to…? Someone abeg, call the number.

The CROCAT. You know... Half Croc, half Cat. Tastes so good in peppersoup

The CROCAT. You know… Half Croc, half Cat. Tastes so good in peppersoup

 

Their God, their Mother

Their God, their Mother

There’s several interpretations to this one. Is God their mother? Is the barbing salon co-owned by God and his mother? What’s the sharing formula? And why the fuck are they also into wears and accessories? Here’s something similar Sirkastiq found on Google

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This one probably sells the barbing salons alongside clothing materials.

Rechard your phones right here bruv.

Rechard your phones right here bruv.

Who is rechard and why are we bying him/her/it a card?

Yeah, so I know you’re like a Mollusc and you don’t really come out of your house except when work or worship calls, or when you’ve set your place on fire (again) trying to cook that dope ass Egusi you saw on IG.

But if occasionally, you do? You’ll notice there are other actual living things situated around you‎. These living things have houses too, cars too, and they go to work, worship and cook Egusi too.

So let’s share. What are some of the most ridiculous signs you’ve seen. Pictures will be awesome.

Have a great year ahead guys

  • Grey

 

Hello…

No I’m not going to answer, so I’m just going to continue ignoring her and go straight to the post we have. If she does contact you, please just tell her – no I don’t want to meet to go over anything and yes I’m still in Nigeria where nothing happens.

Now you people think that most of the mad people are out on the streets. It’s actually a lie. The one that wrote this for instance – confirmed looney. But then again, so are the rest of us on the team.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Caitlyns and Wendy Williamses, welcome back @TheGreyGenesis

*******

*Pastor dances onto Altar while choir chants Hosanna*

Pastor: Praaaaaaise the Lord! It’s testimony time. With me on the altar today is Brother Chidi. Bro Chidi, please share what the Lord has done for you with us today.

Bro Chidi: Prai -Prai – Praaaaaaise the Lord!

Pastor remember when you asked us to see the positive sides of dreams and believe with all of our hearts that they would come to pass?

Pastor: Uhm, I think so… yes. go on.

Bro Chidi: Well Pastor, I’ve realised that truly, when the Lord is about to bless you tremendously, it will come as a dream.

Pastor: Yes, yes. When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, they were as those who dreamed! Go on Bro, Go on!

Bro Chidi: Pastor at the beginning, I had no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life, no—

Pastor: errr… *chuckles nervously* But then the Lord came to your aid?

Bro Chidi: well, then one day on my way to Church, I received a phone call. It was one of the most profitable international huuuuge ICT companies I had applied to work with for years with no results…

Pastor: (sensing miraculous punchline coming) SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAAAAY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!

Pastor: Go on brother Chidi.

Bro Chidi: Well, they were only calling to let me know that not only was I unqualified for the job, but that I wasn’t the type of person their Company would ever hire. Ever.

Pastor: It is well o.

Bro Chidi: Yes Pastor. So there I was, dejected and feeling depressed after the call. Then a thought hit me. I realised I recognised the voice of the company’s call‎er. Sounded like the voice of Uche, an old University mate from waaaaay back. So I impulsively dialled the number back. ‎To my surprise it was him. He was so happy to hear from me when I reintroduced myself. He only knew me as ‘Chidoski the Lowski’ back in school. Uche was now the Vice President of the company’s HR Department. In summary Pastor, after meeting up with Uche a week later, I explained my plight to him, and he promptly approved the position for me. Pastor, I received my appointment letter as a P.R ambassador to this multibillion $ company. Complete with 6 figure salary, a brand new apartment in Lekki, and a brand new Range Rover Sports as bonus package!

*Congregation goes Berserk*

*Pastor rolls around on Altar in celebration*

*Choir screams lyrics of I have seen the downfall of Satan*

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT I AM NEXT IN LIIIIIIINE!!!

*Congregation screams*

Pastor: Glorayyyy!!! See the bless–

Bro Chidi: I’m not done sir, there’s more.

Pastor: There’s more? Wow

Bro Chidi: Some months after I started working there, I met the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen in my life. And we started dating…

Pastor and Congregation: Oh yeah?

AHHH OSHEYYYY

AHHH OSHEYYYY

Bro Chidi: Then we started courting…

Pastor and Congregation: yeah?

‎Bro Chidi: (abashed grin) Did I forget to mention she’s the only daughter of the Company’s CEO.

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAYYYY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!!!

Bro Chidi:‎ A year later, we relocated to the United States where I was made the GM of our large unit there.

Pastor: *jumps on Bro Chidi in bear hug* GLORAAAAY!!!

Bro Chidi: Then we got married. Another year later, my wife gave birth to a set of twins. Beautiful boy and girl!

Pastor: (In call and response sing-song voice) I. AM. NEXT IN LINE!

Congregation: IAMNEXTINLIIIIIINE!!!

Pastor: JUST LIKE BROTHER CHIDOSKI…

Congregation: JUSTLIKEBROTHERCHIDOOOOOOSKI!!!

Pastor: THE LOWSKI‎…

Congregation: THELOWSKI

Pastor: WHOM THE HOLY GHOSTY

Congregation: WHOXGVQXZPGKQQQJPVZ

Pastor: HAS MADE HIGHSKI…

*Ushers rush on Altar and lift Brother Chidi to their shoulders and start dancing*

‎*choir begins Kpoyommemma praise and worship song*

*Congregation goes Apeshit for 15 minutes STRAIGHT*

Pastor: Now let’s calm down. Calm down as Brother Chidi concludes his AMAZING testimony!

Bro Chidi: ‎Yes Pastor, thank you Pastor. Soooooooo, these are all the things the Lord did for me in the dream.

*Church goes Deathly quiet*

Pastor: wait, wait, whaaaaaaa-?

Bro Chidi: I slept yesterday with no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life but the Lord gave me this wonderful dream and I woke up this morning still in the same state but now I’m feeling hopeful. I just know my dream can come true.

Pastor: *clutches chest* So all that money? The Tith… The company? They’re not real—

Bro Chidi‎: It was all a dream Pastor. It was all a dream ‎.

IS THIS ONE NOT MAD LIKE THIS?

THE END.

NO SERIOUSLY, IT’S THE END

FOR REAL.

THE END.

******

The most annoying thing of Grey’s stories is how he keeps you wanting more. Like you get to the end and you want to turn the ‘page’ over, or flip to side B,but nah, you’ve gotta come back next time. Have you had such a dreamy experience? Something you know will happen soon but people think you’re just foo…sorry gotta run, the boo (Rihanna is calling me)

Ebola 101

Oh come on, you know me better than that. That title is just really catchy, so I had to use something that will catch your attention. It’s just my way of making you want to click the link…

Now that I think about it, the entire blogosphere is saturated with new posts and sites telling you about the virus and how to prevent it and what not. So you people are already tired of hearing this shit. Meaning this title might actually drive people away.

Oh well, I’ve already started writing it, I might as well finish.

This post is gonna be short…like your life if you happen to catch the disease. (What? Too soon?) So I’m not gonna keep you here too long.

Ebola is really serious guys. It makes HIV look like a urinary tract infection. Sad part is that if you’re not American, there’s no cure for you. And everyone is responding crazily to it. (Which to me might be a bit excessive…but yeah, nobody wants to die, I get it.) You know, with people who weren’t using hand sanitizers now experts on how many germs exist in the universe and those who used to use hand sanitizers refusing to leave the house.

Amazing shit…really.

***

Brief History:

Ebola, AKA Ebola Virus Disease, AKA Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, AKA EB for Short, AKA Don’t Touch It, Literally, AKA well…Ebola is a disease that began as far back as 1976. Which is when Bella first decided she wanted a taste of Bat meat and went for that vampire nigga Edward. Who gave her this terrible disease on their wedding night, breaking numerous beds in the process. After which she very happily passed it on to Jacob and the rest is history.

Fuck you Bella.

***

What’s actually funny to me is how the country has decided to treat the situation so… (gimme a word here, because “lightly” doesn’t quite cut it). How many people are suspected to have the virus? Why haven’t these people been quarantined? Who were the hospital staff that got infected? What’s up with those niggas? In a crowded city like Lagos why are these people still roaming free? Why the fuck have the airlines to and from infected countries not been shut down?

Speaking of airlines, I was on a plane to…well, I was on a plane. And the announcer said something along the lines of “In light of the recent Ebola virus outbreak, we will proceed to spray insecticide in the cabin. If you’re wearing contacts or you find that you react to the smell, please cover your eyes and nose”.

I dunno, it sounded something like that.

So, they’re now spraying insecticide on flights. An idea that I think would be fucking brilliant…you know, if Ebola was spread by mosquitoes. Even if they are spraying disinfectants, why are you spraying it while we’re already seated? What’s the ‘insecticide’ supposed to do? Kill the virus? Kill whoever happens to have the virus? Kill everybody on the plane?

Finally sha, fuck Arik for nearly giving me an attack with that unnecessary shit.

I plan to demand an iPad.

Anyway, in light of the current situation (and yes, pun intended) here are a few tips on how to prevent the deadly virus:

Ebola 101

  • No handshakes please. Employ a PA to be taking handshakes on your behalf.
  • Don’t touch your PA.
  • Hugs are not allowed too. Don’t make this awkward. You are all strangers. Do I know you?
  • Please please, no kissing vampires. Have you learned nothing?
  • If you’ve been shagging, stop. If you’ve not been shagging, sorry. Lame ass.
  • Don’t ever, ever wear red pants. (this has nothing to do with Ebola, it’s just a general rule to live by)
  • Ask your suya guy where he gets his meat. If he can’t give you a concise response, burn that mother fucking stand to the ground. Burn that mother fucker too. He’s a biological weapon.
  • Don’t even THINK of bearing the name Sawyer. (That goes for you too @MallamSawyerr)
  • While we’re at it, don’t think of bearing Patrick either. Be more creative goddammit.
  • Buy your own car.
  • Buy your own house.
  • Buy your own airport terminal.
  • Yeah, I would get my own country if I were you.
  • Ooh ooh! Your own planet!
  • Pray, and ask Jesus to come back quickly.

See? It’s not that hard to avoid the virus. Follow these easy steps and you should be fine.

On a more serious note, be safe guys. And be careful. And when you see me, wave. Please don’t make it awkward.

Thank you.

Beautiful Girls Are Ugly

Beautiful Girls are Ugly.

It’s a stretched oxymoron alright, but it’s indubitably the truth.

Just hear me out here.

“Inner beauty matters most” is the go-to quote for those of us who didn’t win the facial beauty lottery. But it goes beyond that. It’s a universally accepted fact. I guarantee you it wasn’t just a phrase coined by the president of the UPU (Ugly People Union, and yes, that’s a thing) to make its members feel good.

Beauty comes in different shapes and fashions (excuse the pun) and when it comes down to it, of what importance is outer beauty? Couple decades, a couple children pushed out, a little depression and voila! Beauty gone like a runs girl gone swimming. I think the only job of beauty is to lure every interested person into the arena of inner beauty.

Listen closely while I spit some depth.

Some inner depth…

I get tired of beautiful girls after making a ‘home run’ on them and realising that they have nothing to offer asides sex. Their lack of inner beauty makes them ugly (Now you understand the title, don’t you?) and the beautiful ones are still yet to be born.

Okay, that’s a stretch, but you get where I’m coming from. And if you don’t, let me explain…

A guy may try to avoid a girl he thinks is ugly the same way I would avoid a plate of beans without plantain, but his perception might be high jacked if he mistakenly hangs out with her frequently. (This is why they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. This makes anyone who thinks you’re ugly the wrong beholder. And you may thank me for this nugget of wisdom later.)

Something about this ‘ugly’ female might capture him. May be her attitude, may be her charm, may be her wit, may be her sense of humour, may be that her IQ is higher than Snoop Dogg, may be how pretty she looks when he’s drunk, but something about her will capture him and he’ll eventually end up preferring her to that “hot chick”.

Don’t worry; I’ll get to the point.

Notice how the play boys run through loads of centrefold, model type chicks and then end up with the woman that are not half as fine as the chicks he smashed in his rookie days? Point made…

“Biologically, we follow our strongest suit.”

A man will definitely (try to) have sex with a woman that attracts him the most, and will definitely wife the woman that complements him the most. In some rare cases, they’re the same woman (lucky bastard) but usually, these two individuals are very different people.

A girl that can recognize her beauty prowess knows it’s a double plus considering she already has a bomb vagina that guys would love to kill for. If the average looking girl thinks she’s entitled to some good stuff just because she has a third armpit, the beautiful girl feels she has every right to get the best form of entertainment guys can provide.

Beautiful girls invest more on cosmetics than any other thing that can actually better their life, they believe their face can make up for any blunder; their brain is as void as the world in the beginning.

You go on a date with one of these chicks and the conversation is as one sided as a sermon. They are the type of girls that would make a guy feel like a C.E.O  that has placed a vacancy notice on news papers on the first date because the conversation would strike a clear resemblance with an interview session.

“Yes”, “No”, “maybe” are the few words she can offer because she’s too pretty to talk too much.

I’ve said too much. And I’m sure you can feel my hurt through the letters. I’m also doubly sure that you agree with me when I say…

 

Beautiful Girls are Ugly.

 

-Jazizi.

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Sex

Hey Guys, before you pelt me with rotten eggs and tomatoes, let me just cast myself. Firstly yes, we’ve been epileptic with posts. I take responsibility for that. I feel like I’m basically nearing the end of my writing sojourn here. These days, i’m short on ideas and I just want to manage things. Might have to do with more responsibility and shit. Funny enough, I’m pretty frequent with my posts on TNC so I don’t understand it. Anyway, yeah…

So last month, a friend sent me this post which I featured on TNC, for the benefit of those who didn’t read it, I thought to share it here.

Please enjoy…

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Sex

Sex eh? Everyone talks about it. All the time. It must be amazing, right? Like eating magic plantain fried with the tears of 200 beautiful angels. Right? Maybe. I don’t know. Please don’t ask me abeg. I do know that sex is one of the few high-stakes activities in the world you can engage in with absolutely zero training, or licensing, or even basic mentoring. For the love of bread and moimoi, shouldn’t we all get licenses before sex? Do you not want to have a document with your name on it that says Certified Penis Operator? Or Validated Vagina Visa Holder? Or even Cocksmith General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria? No? Me neither.

Anyway, most of us received absolutely no training pre-sex. If you were lucky, your parents just told you to be careful, handed you a condom and said “Goodluck my son” or “Go forth and multiply” or if you were a girl “Please don’t disgrace me o.” or the less subtle “If you carry belle to this house, I will kill you” before throwing you to the wild.

So… let’s assume its your wedding night (LOL, ashewo like you). You assume you are prepared for sex. You think you know everything that is about to take place. You are wrong.

I am a nice fellow so let me tell you the 5 things you should know about sex that no one ever tells you (except me).

*****

1. Sex Smells

Look, there’s is no good way to put it but its true – sex is a smelly activity. Two people are mashing their genitals together violently like they are possessed by the spirit of Terry G, sweat rolling down  their least properly washed parts, fluids condemned by both god and man as unholy are leaking from their insides, just rolling out over thighs, sluicing through butt cracks, all in the tropical heat and a closed space, of course it’s going to get smelly in a hurry. You cant smell it usually because you get used to it or you are focused on something else (boobies!). So what does sex smell like? It depends on the people and how they are doing it but it is always clammy and thick and if anyone walks into the room while you are having sex, they will probably be able to taste it at the back of their throat and then they will wish they could die.

2. Sexhaustion is real

I wont lie, sex is hard work. Cardio of life. Fitfam = Slutfam. And for those of use that don’t run 5 miles a day, sometimes during sex you get to a point where you are so tired that sex actually stops being fun and becomes work – and not good work like sitting in an office of an oil company checking your Facebook page until it’s time for lunch. I mean work like hard labor, like cutting the grass on the 6 plots of land that used to be your grandfather’s farm using only a rusty table knife and a razor blade – the kind of work that you mindlessly bulldoze your way through – just because you don’t want to disappoint your partner who is like, really, really, horny right now. You’re standing behind (or you’re sitting on top of) them and just pounding your groin into theirs, desperately waiting for the end to come (hehe), like a merciful bullet to the head while you’re being tortured – and when it does, it’s basically euthanasia by orgasm. It comes (hehe), you disengage, you roll over and then sleep immediately.

3. Penis fit break

See, some women like to violently bounce up and down a guy’s long thing as they are pumping water from an abandoned well in the sahara – well, be careful because if you land in the wrong position, you can absolutely break his penis. While there is no actual bone in a penis, there are two cylinders of tissue that become rigid during an erection, and if you have sex too hard, it can break with a cracking sound. Fun fact: this is more likely to happen when a man is cheating, according to the University of Maryland Medical Center. So that’s something to add to your list of ‘safe sex’ practices – Not every time ride penis like dragon, sometimes gentle humping.

4. There will be Vagina Farts (aka Queefs)

Farting during sex is one of the worst things anyone can do to someone they claim to love. It is a terrible terrible thing. I mean, things are smelly enough already, why you have to go and add rotten egg to the horror? But, when you are having sex, you are hammering large quantities of air into a tight, moist space (hehe). The queef is as much a part of sex as much as Namadi Sambo is part of the Nigerian government, even though he doesn’t really seem to be and nobody acknowledges it. So sooner or later, while pounding, a massive, squeaky farting sound will occur (just like Namadi Sambo) as you mash your naughty bits into her naughty bits. It can’t be helped most of the time but it is still embarrassing when you hear that unmistakable sound. And most of the time, both of you will just pretend it never happened (Just like Namadi Sambo) because no one wants stop having sweet, sweet sex just to have that an argument about whether she just queefed or if he just farted.

5. Sex is slimy

Natural Sex = Slime, most of the time. This only occurs when you’re not using condoms. If you are (and you better be, you rotten meat bag of syphilis) then maybe this hasn’t happened to you, yet. It’s simple though, what goes up (or down, or to the side, or slides in from behind, or is poured into the front, whatever) must come down at some point. So, once sex is over and you are both done exchanging juices, unless the woman keeps her legs up in the air to prevent it, said juices will start to leak all over the place. If the guy is still under her, then she gets to return his white gift and if she is under him then she spills the cocktail of his baby batter and her natural engine oil down her ass crack and then all over the bed unless someone scrambles for some tissues or a towel, or a rag, or a T-shirt to wipe everything down before your both drown in your own body stews. Nice imagery isn’t it? Isn’t sex fun, kids?

What I’m saying is – you probably didn’t think you would need a sex towel did you? Or that sex would smell so weird? Or that you could break your penis if you go too hard? Or that women fart via vagina? Mills and boon didn’t tell you about that did they? Welcome to real life, my friends, now please, enjoy all the smelly, slimy sex.

– Mr. Anonymous

Presidential Speech

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know who wrote this. Ehen!
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My Fellow Nigerians,

I have read with deep surprise the reports on various matters affecting our nation. I have also been briefed by my aides on the uproar caused by these events. Let me assure you that I am fully aware of all that is going on. The truth is you people will not even allow somebody to rest. You actually think I left the comfort of my home in Bayelsa to come to Abuja and be daily bombarded with problems? Is that how you people were raised, what manner of home training do you have? But it’s ok, I am aware.

Every morning, i wake up, sometimes I brush my teeth, other times, I just grab a drink and I’m good to go. But there is no day when I don’t have the issues of the country on my mind. You people will just think that because I look like a mix of confusion and imbecility I’m clueless. Haven’t you heard that the lion that wants to strike doesn’t change its facial expression?

A lot of concern has been raised over security in our nation, permit me to say I have it under control. Whether you permit me or not, I’ll say it, afterall, I A. belle John remain the President of this nation. I was watching the news the other day and I saw news about the abduction of some girls from their school. It was reported that the school was infiltrated (see the big word I used there?) by unknown men and over 200 girls were taken. The truth is this happens everyday. I remember when I was deputy governor that time, we used to send our aides to the universities and they return with sometimes 50, sometimes 100 girls. I’m just wondering who the man must be that has the capacity to move 200 at once. I mean, what kind of party is he about to have? Can he even handle 200? As bad as I am, my record is like 50, but that one time when Igbins was around, I think we did like 80.

My fellow Nigerians, My attention was drawn to the social media, I think they call it twitter and I saw you people talking about #BringBackOurGirls This is why I brought facebook to Nigeria because I didn’t quite understand. Hold on, I have a call…

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I just spoke to my SA on Media matters, Robin Agbaya and he asks me to ignore all the things you people are saying there.  What do you people want me to say sef? Who exactly are we asking to bring back the girls? I have learned over time not to involve myself in matters that don’t concern me so yes. Some have raised eyebrows to the reports of my trip to Ibadan after the Nyanya blast. What is really wrong with you people? I cancelled my trip and was back in Abuja on the day of the blast, Didn’t you people see me in deep thought pondering the state of matters? DO YOU KNOW HOW QUICK I HAD TO PERFECT THAT POSE? You people don’t even know my story.

Yes, I went back to Ibadan the day after. The Olabadan was turning 100. Is it everyday somebody turns 100? Do you know how much he gave to my campaign? Do you know how many votes he was able to get for me? You people will just wake up and be talking anyhow because of freedom of speech. Don’t come and put san-san inside my garri pls. Me miss out on that amala just like that? you people play too much.

Fellow Nigerians, I had my media chat some days ago and let me just explain some of my statements because it’s like you people are not as smart as I am. Someone asked a question on corruption and i said “The word corruption is over used, even a common thief is now called corrupt”What did I say that is French now? Is every thief corrupt? was Robin Hood corrupt? Was he not stealing for the good of the people? When you take meat from your mother’s pot, does that make you corrupt or hungry? Ehen. I was further questioned on the Missing oil money, Like I said, is it today that money started missing in Nigeria? Is it in my regime that oil money started to dissapear, Then i said  “$20Billion is a lot of money, where will you hide it that people will not know?. America will know and will tell you where it is”.  Shebi America knows everything? Is it wrong to tell the truth again?

Lastly, someone asked about the petroleum minister’s restraining order. Look, I stand by my words ” I am not aware that the Minister of petroleum has gone to court to stop investigation”. Maybe someone went on her behalf o, I don’t know, Maybe she went to suspend the investigation o, I don’t know, But you people should leave me and dezi dezi in peace. In fact, we need to go to Brazil to represent Nigeria at the World Cup. Yes.

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As I end this speech, let me use this medium to state here that I don’t know what patty smokes sometimes. I don’t know how she got herself on TV and so expertly embarassed my family and generations unborn. I watched that shit on NTA and I’m like who let the dog out? Sometimes I question my “till death do us part” vows because the woman is doing all she can to kill me. My God is bigger sha. It’s no wonder she’s named Patience. she’s taught me that. Fellow Nigerians, as I end this speech, let me leave you with the words of the Immortal philosopher 2face Idibia: “Nothin’ dey happen”

God bless the fedreal republic.

PDP 2015

Late Sadiq’s 30 Rules

In the year 1960, my great-grand father, Sadiq (nicknamed “Sir Dick” for his lengthy penis) wrote down a few guidelines for the future Nigerian (male) youths with the hope of sneaking it into the constitution. Sadly, it was rejected and called “a huge waste of time”. Sadiq is dead but I, El-Farooq shall carry on his legacy and share his rules with you with the hope that lives will be touched. [don’t ask how he knew about stuff like FIFA games & selfies back in 1960, just umm…play along]. Ladies, you can read this too & set your man straight:

editors note: I mean, if he’s not straight and he’s your man, you already have a problem

1. In a game of FIFA (or in actual football kick-around) with your buddies you are NOT allowed to refer to a “cross” as a “pull-out”. This is to avoid controversial statements such as “O boy! Bayo, that pull out mad oh. See as you no even waste time just dey use pull out dey finish me. And you come sabi head well. Na you bad pass for pull-out & heading”.

2. Under no circumstance is a guy allowed to use his hard earned money to purchase an umbrella neither is he allowed to use one (except while sharing it with a lover). However, he is allowed to accept it as a souvenir at a wedding but must dump it in the closest trash right after the reception is over.

editors note: No really, are there guys that buy umbrellas? Are they still referred to as guys?

3. Every guy must have Livescores.com bookmarked on his (and his girlfriend’s) phone/PC. Every guy. Every.

editors note: Some ‘guys’ just went “what’s livescores?” You my friend need to handover your man card. Terdoh doesn’t have Livescores by the way

4. Even if a guy hates basketball, when your mates are talking about the NBA you are to chip in the exact words: “But man, Vince Carter killed it at the 2000 slam dunk contest. Christ!” OR “T-Mac’s 13pts in 33seconds against Spurs is still one of the greatest comebacks of all time, though.”

5. When hosting your friends for an EPL or UCL game (or the El-Classico) it is only normal that the host provides the alcohol while the friends must all bring different variety of “chow” (pizza, suya etc). It wouldn’t hurt for the friends to bring along emergency alcohol, though.

6. Any lady who perfectly explains the offside rule in football should first be double-checked for a penis & upon passing this test should be treated like the goddess that she is.

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editors note: and you best start treating ‘her’ as one of the guys. These ‘girls’ are the ones you need to hide your PS pad from. NEVER CHALLENGE THEM TO A GAME!!!

7. No skinny jeans.

8. Every guy should have his own badass tailor who sews his own suit for him. Even the greatest ‘suit wearer’ of all time had his.

9. In the immortal words of Big Ghost, a guy is permitted a maximum of 5 selfies per year. If however he does not exhaust these 5 takes, he is not permitted to carry what’s left over to the next year. The count must be restarted.

10. You are permitted to sing R&B songs in a Karaoke bar. It is one of the 2 places on earth where guys are allowed to hit high notes. The 2nd being a (non-prison) shower.

editors note: and please, never speak of what transpired in there with yo homies once you walk out the door. 

11. If a guy spends the night in police custody he is required to spit a rap freestyle consisting a minimum of 16bars to his buddies.

12. You are not allowed to perform CPR on a fellow guy you’re not related to. Let him die in (straight) peace. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Exception: You work for the Red Cross.

13. A guy is not permitted to be a designated non-drinking driver for more than 3 night outs in a row with the hommies. Seriously, just watching your buddies have all the fun & destroy their liver is both lame & wicked. Smart & responsible, yes, but more of lame & wicked.

14. A guy must engage in coital activities with a lady while being tied up and Christina Aguilera’s “Nasty Naughty Boy” playing in the background at least once in his life time.

15. A guy is permitted to cry tears of joy on his wedding day. No G-points shall be deducted from his gangster-account.

Let it out ma nigga

Let it out ma nigga

editors note: afterall, it’s not everyday you tie your nuts.

16. Just like in #4, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan of the rap genre or not, every “Who’s the greatest rapper?” argument may last for minutes, hours or in extreme cases, days but must be halted when one party alters the words “Well, the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th”.

17. No matter how close they are, no two unrelated guys should EVER see a movie at the cinema past 7 o’clock… except Delta Force 1 becomes available in 3D.

18. If a guy ever leaves his house to buy a pad then it better be for his Play Station or X-Box and NOT for his girlfriend or ex-box (apologies for the corny pun).

19. A guy is permitted ONLY ONE pedicure & manicure session in a life time & this must be done when he’s away on a business trip to another city where no one there has a clue who he is.
N/B: This rule has no loophole. Even if you give your life to Christ & become “born again” it still counts as one life time.

20. A guy is permitted only one barber per city. This barber, besides his excellent hair cutting skills must meet the golden law:
When standing, a barber’s pelvic region must be lower or higher than (but never the same level as) his seated client’s head.
[This rule prevents a barber’s emergency boner from having to strike his client on the face or the back of the head.]

Just look at

Just look at

21. “Dangerously In Love” is the greatest Beyoncé song of all time & thus, it’s understandable for a guy to play this while thinking about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. However, “Run The World(Girls)” is complete trash and should never be found on a guy’s iTunes.
N/B: Every guy, upon access to a lady’s laptop, must search for this song in her music folder, hold down the shift key & alter the words “F*ck that sh*t!” while aggressively striking the delete key.

22. A guy without the ability to grow facial hair has two options to make up for it:
-Work out at the gym for 28hrs a week to make up for it with a buff body.
-Take his life by jumping off a bridge.

23. Upon seeing a flying cockroach in the presence of a lady friend, a guy is to puff out his chest and tell his (presumably) freaked out lady friend “don’t worry baby, I’ll kill it”, walk out the room, let out a shriek (inaudible to the lady friend in the room), do 10 push-ups then go back there and kill it. Running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

24. When one of your buddies is pretending to be a celebrity in order to pick up a chic, all the remaining members of the crew are required to act star-struck and ask for a picture when they walk past him. Autographs are too damn suspicious in this part of the world.

25. A guy is required to carry his extremely wasted friend all the way home & leave a bottle of water & chow beside him. When he wakes up & the whole story of how you carried him home is being relayed to him, he is to express his gratitude of the kind gesture with only two words “My nigga!” & never speak of it again.

26. Just like a guy has his own preferred brand of beer (HEINEKEN!!) and/or rum (CRUZAN!!), a guy must have his own preferred brand of Newspaper which he must read at least 3 times a week. Seriously, you’re a man, read the damn papers & know about the happenings in the country.

27. Nature played a cruel prank us by making bananas go with nuts (groundnuts). While it is obviously not avoidable, there are rules for eating it:
-Two guys must never make eye contact while eating a banana.
-A guy eating a banana in public must break off part of it and eat but never put the whole thing in his mouth.
-A guy purchasing a banana must not complain/compliment the bananas & nuts. This is to avoid statements such as “Your banana too strong jor. You wan kill me?” or “This banana too soft. Be like say you no like me. Give me better banana jor”

28. A guy is to hold open the door of his car for a lady to enter except he has paid for her services or she is a feminist.

29. 3 things a guy must never admit to having no experience in; Driving a stick, killing a chicken and making a lady cum.

30. *To be filled by reader*

 

– RJ

7 (or 6) Habits of Highly Annoying People

“This world is not my home, I’m just passing through.”

The problem is I don’t know where I’m going so basically we just dey go innit? In my few years on earth, I’ve come across different types of people. These include the smart, beautiful, aesthetically challenged and the downright weird amongst others. I don’t mean to bore you and I apologize if I’ve done that thus far. Anyway, the reason we’re here is cos I posted a link and you’re interested in reading what TSC has to say today. That’s basically it. Do you guys have those friends that do random dumb shit that makes your jaw fall to the floor? Am I the only one who knows people who eat bread and okro and feel like they don’t have a severe problem in their life? Today, I’m going to be sharing on such annoying behaviour. Before you adjust comfortably into your seat, just know that if you dip bread inside tea and/or eat cereal with hot water then you are also part of the problem in this world. You are the reason the Malaysian plane dissapeared.

          People that don’t drink water till they finish eating: Please keep your medical explanation in your pocket. If you’re among the sad people that do this, then you need serious deliverance. You people that do this are the ones who go to the toilet to release your shit and the toilet silently screams “I can’t take this shit” Fam, these niggas drop shit more toxic than what Hiroshima experienced. I can tell who you are by whether you drink water during meals or not. Be there thinking you’re living healthy; you’re really just a health hazard. Maybe because you’ve not swallowed hot eba before; that kind of eba that makes you open your mouth and transforms your hand to fan. Nah, you’ve not jammedLEE –          Those of you that answer phone calls, Instant messages with “Hmmm, this one that you remembered me today…” Look, you’re the reason our so called leaders don’t just have sense. The last time I checked, communication was two-way. If the person on the other side of the line hasn’t hollered at you in a minute, I don’t think it’s out of place for you to have been the bigger one, but guess what? You didn’t because you’re just an equal pant. Stop this behaviour before you miss heaven. Another variation are those ones that see you after a long while and say “you, you’ve forgotten me o”  Somehow, I have successfully managed to not beat up these ones. The Lord really works in mysterious ways.

-You Niggas that RT your own tweets, praise etc. I actually understand these ones. They didn’t get love while growing up, no hugs, no chocolates, and no appreciation. This is why they see the need to share with the ‘world’ once something nice is said about them.

twitter-retweet

But you guys have the IQ of a rusted nail to be very honest. Have you ever hi-fived yourself? That’s basically what you do when you display this act of utter ridiculousity.  You’re like “Oh! This person thinks I’m amazing so I’m going to share this with all of you because I’m usually an idiot, I don’t get this all the time so yeah…” Pathe-friggin-tic. Might as well say these guys are the ones that grow up and commit suicide.

–          BeyHivians and Rihannavians – Gosh! I always want to slap sense into all of you and then introduce a hot iron to your face for edge smoothening. I understand fanaticism because c’mon I’m a football fan but come the hell on, why you trying so hard to convince us that you know how many panties Bey has in her pantie locker? The annoying thing is not that you’re a fan, noooo. It’s how hard you try to prove it.  Beyonce uses the word ‘flawless’ and all of a sudden you wake up every day like that although we really know you woke up looking like badly wrapped amala. But in the eyes of the Bey fans, she can do no wrong.  Just look at these guys…

beyonce-3 Bey fans crayyyy

jayzinst5

Then there’s the Navy; You would think that Rihanna fans will mostly be chimamandists, sorry feminists (I mean after what Mr Breezy did to her) but i don’t even know. Rihanna fans are all about the sexiness that she oozes. quick to classify Beyonce as “forcing it” but they themselves couldn’t be sexy if sexy was slapped on their forehead. LOL. It’s always cute observing the banter when both camps are at it, I’m just here waiting for the scandal that will erupt when we hear that one of them is sleeping with the other one’s man. or wait, that has happened right?

Rihanna go gets a chest tat, and you decide to get the same even though you have a bag of rice as belly. rih

I guess this is something that’ll never go away and I might as well accept it yeah? Sigh. Sadly, there’s a new Lupitarian movement arising, although if you study these mitts carefully, you’ll discover most of them are closet Beyhivians.. Lord, deliver us.

–          You people that have made the “Jenifa” speak your way of life. No it’s not the use of “as in” or “it’s like”, it’s those of you that actually make conscious effort to speak like her. Dear Lord, I’d prefer listening to someone scratch their nails on a chalkboard. How do you not know that this makes you sound like you were raised by retards and you’re now the official poster boy/girl of retards inc worldwide. So this is just a suggestion o, It’s not like I’m mandating you to comply but you might just wanna considering giving yourself some sense and quit talking like you had no primary education. Although I think I’m taking a big gamble by assuming you did.

–          Chewing with your mouth open. Ask Lucifer why he was really cast from heaven. Ask Easy E why he got clapped. Ask Omojuwa why the SSS manhandled him. This is also the real reason Mandela fought for liberation. I can’t understand people that chew with their mouths open; your upper lip and lower lip aren’t just there for kissing, they are there to be shut tight while your teeth mashes food into swallow-able form. But some of your put the disgust in disgusting with your eating habits. You share with the world the content of your mouth like therein lies the key to world peace And my God, these ones don’t even chew properly, thinking about the sounds they make makes me wanna shoot myself. Stop it o! Every time you chew with your mouth open, a couple breaks up. See why our world is the way it is? images

There are so many other annoying habits that I’m sure you guys come across; there are those niggas that bite on metal cutlery (because they feel they must kill the spoon or fork while eating), oh! there are those that pronounce ‘fork’ as ‘ferk’ because it sounds too much like ‘fuck’ and they can’t be caught saying such. These ones eventually grow up to work with Nigeria newsdesk where they spell ‘sex’ as ‘s-x’. there are those (like my barber) that out of nowhere send you whatsapps saying shit like “hello” Me: “Hi, I’m sorry who’s this?” Him: “It’s chuks, your barba, how r u?” Me: (after being stunned for like 10 secs and trying to be nice) “Oh ok, I’m good, at work. Thanks” Him: “When r u comn bak?” Me: End chat. Sometimes I don’t know if this Whatsapp is a blessing or a curse. Plus now that facebook has bought it over, say hello to the resurrection of old friends.

Ah well, use the comment box, share some annoying habits you and people you know have. Cheers

Surulere

Started from the bottom now we’re where?

The other day, I was surfing my Instagram page, doing my best not to be led down the path of hell by the images these women so happily post. Yes, I don’t know how they appeared on my feed. No, I didn’t follow them. Yes, you’re stupid for asking this question in your mind.

So while I was there looking for pictures to like; seeing as I’m a nice guy like that, I came across a trend. This nigga Don Jazzy (who I didn’t follow because he shared random credit one time) was doing some picture collage type thing and was tagging it #Surulere. JOSEPH, MARY AND MORUFU!!! The pictures I saw yeah, Lord, if there’s another movie for “Transformers”, they should use those guys and not robots.

I’m not going to talk about those guys tho, I don’t know the annointing that came upon me but sha, a certain spirit did. So I got this revelation and this post was birthed. We’re just gon look at our celebrities and form an opinion shall we?

Let’s start with omo baba olowo aka My dimples are so deep aka I don’t know what happened to my voice, it’s not like I’ve ever been a conductor aka Davido.  For those of you who doubted that Davido has always been a ‘big boy’ aka ‘a boy living large’, check this out.

davido

homeboy so fat, dimples were covered up

Can you see now that this nigga been fresh out long before being fresh out became a thing?  But then something happened! David decided that he needed to break free from the sheltered life and mix with the niggas on the outside. He wanted to experience the thrill that came with chasing tyres down the road wearing multi-coloured pant, the joy of designing your own kite using brooms, thread and white nylon. And so David ventured out of the Adeleke mansion and became one of the area boys.

He even became black

davido2

It was as a result of this venture that Mr David released the song “Dami Duro” chronicling his struggle with his parents for independence. This was of course after he shared with us details of the days when he was broke on “back when” These days Otunba David is chopping life ‘aye’

Let’s talk about 2face.

2Face-

See that tie? If you look closely, you’d recognize it as the one used to hang Karl Grossman in 1863  The story of 2face is not complete without a mention of the platashun boiz (They couldn’t spell so accept it like that) So yeah, 2baba started off as headmaster of a girls’ school as the picture shows. He however had to leave when the students mysteriously started getting preggers. That’s how bros met one shady guy; black face by name and that one introduced him to music saying they could become great.

2face2

Black face bought 2face a copy of Hip Hop World and the rest they say is history.

2baba aka Innocent aka 2face (Do you see the oxymoron?) became the biggest name in the music business. How did he do it? By shouting “NOTTIN DEY HAPPEN!” getting his neck snapped by robbers and ensuring that more women got blessed with the fruit of the womb. You people think that African queen song wasn’t planned? Baba sang one song and used many women for the video and those ones were there feeling frisky.

Wan de we shall really understand the story of Mr Coal.

DPrince-and-Wande-Coal

From Mushin to Mo-hits to Mr Biggs. The black dayamon kept growing. Please look at this picture and tell me Mo- hits have not done their share of community service. The story of wande starts from the school of Unilag where he danced to the tune of the piper. It’s like the piper was D’banj and the pipe was really the harmonica, as the lord planned it sha, that’s how wande and his babe denrele were recruited as video vixens for D’banjs “why me?” and before we knew it, bobo don blow (literally). Anyway, Wande’s light kept on shining brighter and brighter although this shining didn’t reflect on his person. no offense intended but doesn’t this remind you (sometimes) of W ceezy?

Amala

Basketmouth

I doubt anyone would have considered that this nigga would have a bright future. C’mon, homeboy looked like your regular crime fighter star actor and to make it sadder, he’s from Benin. Like everyone knows Benin niggas don’t smile. I mean look at this guy…

ba

It therefore came as a shocker later on to realize that this bros would build a very profiting career in comedy. No jokes! Well yeah, there were jokes but who woulda thunk it? Basket makes so much money at his shows, it’s not even funny. I mean, it’s not a laughing matter. You sha know what I mean. He’s cleaned up major too and that’s a good thing atink.

BASKET

Wizkid

Just when we thought we had learned all the letters of the alphabets, this smallie from ojuelegba shitta comes with ground breaking revelation that you can actually joggle the letter ”I” and “h” Hi mean, we couldn’t tell hif hit was “na you dey high me” or “na you dey eye me” Anyway, this kid (not so sure about the wiz part) has come a long way. Omeboy now looks fretch and clean, dropping its with every release like hit’s nothing.

surulere-wizkid

Let me just stop here tho. You musta noticed I didn’t mention any females yeah? That’s cos I couldn’t even find old pictures. These women have photoshopped their past, they be looking like the present and I couldn’t tell the difference. Anyway guys, we bless God for where we’ve come from and where we’ll get to. There are many others like Iyanya, Eyes Prince, Don Jazzy but space wouldn’t allow me go further.

Fuck space.

It’s not like i have beef with Iyanya but this nigga really does look like  a bottle of maltina. Homeboy look like you can use him to pound yam successfully. Chill, I know there are niggas that look good buff and all that, but c’mon all calabar boys are naturally buff. Then Iyanya won project fame or something and decided he was going to get buffer. Then everywhere he is, he will just be removing shirt because the shirt offended him and hindered his progress.  mtscheeeew

iyanya-sexy

Ice-Prince-

Pause for a minute and observe Ice Prince Zamani. Well, nigga on the left is ordinary Panshak Zamani before the fame, fortune and fashion sense came upon him. Homeboy steady wearing agbadas in the name of shirts. Look, I could do this all day but I don’t want my picture to arise someday (Yes, I’m going to be famous) so I’m going to behave myself and hit the exit right about now.

You got some #Surulere pictures, feel free to share.

#Surulere

Guy Unchained Vol 2

Good afternoon people.

How many of you kept up with Wale on twitter days prior to the release of Ambition? Did y’all notice how nervous he was? That was exactly how I felt when Terdoh informed me the Guy unchained Vol. 1 was TSC worthy. Honestly, I was thinking the article wouldn’t get up to five appreciative comments but y’all proved me wrong, it got over 13 comments!! Yes! It’s such a big deal for me, for a minute I forgot I had a big dick.  I mean it was sorta a Yeezus moment for me like I didn’t have to throw in funny pictures here and there.

Thanks guys.

***

NOW THE APOLOGY:

***

I never planned to take this long in putting out the second volume but believe me, it was for the better. See, the story is non fictional and was quite incomplete at the time I started writing the first volume. I have always been an optimistic person who thinks optimism is good, I was sure of winning. You feel me, right?

Right?

-this is where you as a loyal reader who wants to read the second volume of this story puts your left hand on your chest and say “YES”.

***

BACK TO BUSINESS

***

Y’all already know Yvonne came to my place and I decided to put in the work, right?

Ok! Leggo!

EXCERPT 2:

ME: had you been expecting me to say the L word?

I was sure of everything. My plan was Kim-Kardashian-ass perfect, I could tell she was taking aback by the question.

EXCERPT 2.1:

HER: You never had the courage to say it back then when you used to visit me twice a day, call me thrice a day and I can’t possibly tell what drug is trying to give you the courage to that now.

That was a bit mean. I didn’t grimace though; I have learnt to put on a poker face over the time. I starred at her eyes for some while, it was then I realised her eye balls were brown. The atmosphere was intimately calm.

EXCERPT 2.2:

ME: I am not planning to say the L word yet, my lady. I am just trying to see if you are expecting something more than just a mere sexual relationship from me.

That was a bold but necessary move. Her face was expressionless, I couldn’t tell if she took it well or not.

EXCERPT 2.3:

HER: oh! It’s such a pity, you know. Your libido has more courage than your heart, aren’t you ashame?

“ashamed” I quickly corrected.

EXCERPT 2.4:

HER: I should be leaving, Frank. Thanks for the entertainment.

…and she left. Just like that! My ego was a bit wounded, it was smashed, crushed, melted, refrigerated and broken but I still saw that as a “bit wounded.” Entertainment? That’s what she called it? Who’s gonna be horny at night? Who’s gonna be tempted to masturbate with a big kitchen spoon? I agreed with myself and my demons not to call her but to go searching for a next one.

Many days went by, fam and everything was still stale. I literally woke up to find “bean seeds” on my bed, my balls were navy blue in colour and I was still searching for a next one.

P.S: I am very selective.

After few more days of masturbating with a big kitchen spoon (I guess), she called. I felt my soul moonwalking to my ringtone for a while before I picked the call.

EXCERPT 2.5:

ME: hey! Come by 4pm then.

HER: what! I am already on my way. Wait! How did you know I was coming?

Nice move, right?

EXCERPT 2.6:

ME: my instincts. I miss you.

HER: oh my! Honestly, I am speechless. Is it moment of truth already? I have been thinking about you, you are now funny and interesting. You deserve more than bare friendship.

Life is no nollywood. I was twice as surprised as you. Things were beginning to fall in place while I was still yet to finish the Chinua Achebe most talked about novel, THINGS FALL APART. She came in no time, we ate while talking about different things (only children and older people obey table manners), she refused eating the piece of meat on her plate though and gave an excuse of being a vegetarian. It was all fun sha plus she gave me a kiss and that sorta started everything. The gods finally put me in the game.

She visited regularly, she brought gifts regularly and got fucked what?

-this is where you all stand up and say “REGULARLY” in unison.

That was where I lived up to before sharing the first volume on TSC with y’all.

***

NOW THE EPILOGUE

***

MOST RECENTLY:

After an exhausting sex session..

EXCERPT 2.7:

HER: this thing we are having, what does it mean to you?

Can’t a young nigga write jamb only once? Pffft! We all hate that question, right?

EXCERPT 2.8:

ME: why catch feelings when you can request for another round?

HER: wait! You just want me for sex? You want to treat me the way you treat other girls?

I was confused.

EXCERPT 2.9:

ME: yes! I want you for only sex. Sweet and amazing sex and what other girls are you talking about?

HER: Am I the only one you are interested in?

ME: you used to be but not again. I found someone more interesting, her name is Tonye.

HER: Tonye? But Tonye is my friend. What’s so special about that girl that fucks around? I don’t wanna believe you are into elasticity challenged vaginas.

Do girls really have “friends?”

EXCERPT 3.0:

ME: I don’t care, my lady. With the size of my dick, every pussy is tight.

HER: you think you are funny?

ME: and interesting. You said that yourself. I don’t understand why a vegetarian would fall in love with this particular piece of meat.

I said waving my dick at her. Boss!

She just wore her clothes, picked her bag and left. The only thing sweeter than revenge is pussy and I got both, BOSS BAWSE!

P.S: I just finished reading THINGS FALL APART.

-Bitchboy Dickfree