Frank Selak

 

So you think you’re bad ass eh?

*chuckles*

I have a distinct liking for people who just refuse to die; something about game recognizing game being that I am immortal and shii… However with all my immortal insurmountability, this god right here has simply refused to meet me. Almost like he wants me to write an application or something…

Now I won’t lie, I can’t even famz this dude mehn! I have never met him and even though I have tried several means to, he just by some awkward trick of nature always manages to escape me. I have flown to Zagreb, taken dangerous road trips to Križevci, gone cross country from Hrvatska Kostajnica to Garešnica and still have had no luck all in pursuit of happiness this god and every time I get some silly report that he just left and what not. I gave up on his Croatian ass in 2011.

This is a true story of Frano Selak.

In the year of our Lord 1929 BC, Frane was born and quietly lived his life disguised as a music teacher. He was well loved by pupils and teachers alike even though he always had this air of arrogance about him. Little did they know…  In 1962, at the age of 33 (same age Jesus died) his village witches decided to fork with him. They decided that he was getting too fat and that must have meant he was getting richer and so they decided in a general village witches meeting to end his life.

Hmnnn…. Issokay.

One fateful day in January, Frano was on a train from Sarajevo to Dubrovnik. Suddenly, the village witches struck and derailed the train into a river. Being that it was January and all, the river was semi frozen as it was in the middle of winter. 17 passengers lost their lives in that incident but uncle Selak survived. He actually was taken unawares by the witches at this time so he sustained injuries. A broken arm, minor scratches and bruises were his portion but he still managed to swim ashore. He went home feeling like WTF… Still unaware that the witches were responsible, he moved on. 1.

Uncle, after observing for a year and still not sure of what caused the accident a year before decided to take a short trip from Zagreb to Rijeka. Mid flight, without warning a door suddenly blew away from the cockpit of the plane. As he was blown off the plane, he chuckled….

“Potvrđeno! To može biti samo djelo mojih seoskih vještica” (Confirmed this can only be the work of the village witches), he thought to himself. So he just glided in the air the duration of the entire fall and decided to read a book while at it. He landed safely on a haystack and slept for 3 days to confuse the Croatian mortals for a bit.  The accident killed 19 people,  Bros had only minor injuries. 2.

The village witches were like WTF? Is this nigga Jesus? (little did they know) They decided to give it some time. Thinking that he would forget. Their next strike took a while. Forward to 1966, 3 years later, while travelling on a bus that crashed and plunged into a river, he survived and didn’t even get wet.  There were four people dead, but not surprisingly, Selak managed to escape unharmed.  My guy just walked on water and ate the cupcakes his wife had baked for him while “ntoining” the wizard they sent on the assignment. 3. Croatia still didn’t take note…

Village witches can stubborn! You would’ve thought they’d give up but nope! These demons attempted to kill him the 4th time o! This time they decided to attack him not when travelling, but when driving himself in his local abode. Four years later in 1970, Selak was driving along when, all of a sudden, his car caught fire. He drove the car off the road, parked a reasonable distance away from innocent bystanders before exiting like a boss, just as the car fuel tank exploded. 4.

 

The village witches sacked their president after that and appointed a new one.

Three years later, in 1973 another of Selak’s cars caught fire, blowing flames through the air vents. To his greater dismay, Selak lost most of his hair. 5. This new witch president was very powerful it seemed so Frank sent her a letter. He packed the ashes of his burnt hair and mailed it to her in the village.  Three days after opening the mail, she developed acute diarrhea and shat everything shittable.  By the seventh day of shitting, she began to shit raw meat.  By the 10th day, she had successfully set the world record for the only woman to successfully shit her own intestines. Her soul still shits in the afterlife I heard… L

The village witches chilled the fuck out afterwards yo! Who wouldn’t?

Fast forward to 1995, My brother Fran was crossing a busy street in Zagreb after drinking 3 drums of local Croatian brew. He was not drunk, a drunken bus driver ran into him. 6. Fran escaped as usual unhurt and without any scratches. Below is a picture of the bus.

 

The village witches released a press statement absolving them of all responsibility for the latest incident.

Boss.

The following year 1996, while driving through a mountain road, Selak drove off a guardrail to escape an oncoming truck and landed on a tree to watch his car explode 300 feet below. 7. Now you know where that Vin Diesel nigga got all his inspiration from.

Now to prove his badassnessity, my main gee Frano Selak did the seemingly impossible again. At the ripe age of 74, he bought his first lottery ticket in forty years and won the million dollar Croatian lottery. I didn’t mention in this article that he was married to four women previously and was currently seeing a fifth woman. He intended to marry for the fifth time and eventually did. After winning the money, he was quoted thus: “I am going to enjoy my life now, I feel like I have been reborn. I know God was watching over me all these years.” (Hehehe… this god right here)

 

I’m Frank Selak. Who are you?

However, in 2010, he did the most awesome thing ever. He sold his luxury home on a private island, gave away his fortune to family and friends and moved back to his modest home in Petrinja, which is south of Zagreb, in the centre of the country.

He kept the last bit of his winnings for a hip replacement operation so he could enjoy life with his wife and also so he could build a shrine to the Virgin Mary to give thanks for his luck.

Now who’s bad? Micheal Jackson?

 

Money ain’t a thing

Leroy Petry

Every now and then, when you go through the course of history, you meet different levels of immortal beings disguised as humans, and dedicated to performing amazing feats and saving the lives of their supposed ‘brethren’.

Now there are the Jet Lis, the Jackie Chans and the IP Men

Then there are the Stallones, the Jean Claude Van Dammes, and the Arnold Schwar(etc)s.

Then there’s Chuck Norris.

Then there’s Leroy Petry.

Before we begin, can we all just give him a round of applause? Yeah, you too Obama.

YEEEEAAAAH NICCUH!!!!

Settle down little nigglings. This will only take a while, then you can take short break and go play ojoro in the school backyard.

A time comes in the life of every man when he has to make…really? Really guys? You’re sleeping already? C’moooooon! I haven’t even gotten to the boring part yet and you guys are dozing off.

Screw y’all. *turns to screen*

A time comes in the life of every man when he has to make a decision, a life changing one that will determine whether he stays a boy, or becomes a man. And there comes a time when the immortals have to undergo tests to determine whether they stay immortal, or they stay immortal.

Sergeant First Class Leroy Petry (the name get “First Class” inside sef) was a hardcore high school drop-out, ninja-assassin-watching, kung-fu-wolf nigga at some military base in Washington during the Vietnam War. Disguised as a soldier, he probably used to run around inhaling oxygen, cracking jokes, imitating his commanding officer, and radiating awesomeness from his stubble of a beard until one day when he was assigned to a special ops mission in the daytime.

Everybody knows special ops missions are usually carried out at night right? Yeah, just checking.

Okay, his mission was to capture a high value target (of course the military will never tell us what it is he was trying to get), locate himself at the platoon headquarters in the target building, and just generally tell people what to do until the Rangers had accomplished their mission.

Now, almost immediately after they got down from their helicopters, they came…

No you perverted bastards. They came…under some heavy fire.

*sigh* You people are so sick.

So they came under fire, *sniggers* and the enemy wasn’t joking. They really fired at these poor defenseless men. Petry was wounded by one round which went through both his legs, and his comrade Lucas Robinson was injured by a hit to his side plate. At this point, people like me would bring out white handkerchief and use our gun as flagpole. But Petry threw a thermobaric grenade (which is a little more destructive than the Bruno Mars song, and about 40 times more awesome cos Petry used it), and led Robinson to a chicken coop.

This is where the gods decided to test one of their own.

An enemy threw a grenade 10 meters from their position. There must have been a loop in Petry’s invisibility shield, or the ‘thrower’ was simply a good guesser. The grenade detonated, knocked them down and wounded Higgins (another comrade who had come to help them out with their wounds). Two other soldiers (as if they did not see that an explosion just went down in that vicinity) joined them, to celebrate maybe. Another grenade was thrown by the Really-Good-Guesser-Dude, and it landed a few feet from Higgins and Robinson.

Petry thought: What’s the worst that would happen? My body would be blown to bits and splinters of my brain splatter on the other guys here and…wait! The other guys! Golden Balls of Dracula! There are other people here!

And with that thought, without once thinking that he would probably never again get some pussy, without thinking he’d ever get to bite some calabar goat meat, without thinking that maybe, just maybe he’d never again get to soak cold Ijebu Garri with steaming hot suya, he dove for the grenade and tried to throw it as far away from their current position.

The grenade exploded…

…In his hand…

But Petry didn’t even notice that shit! I’m guessing he remembered Yogender Yadav and thought, I haven’t gotten shot in the balls yet, so fuck it.

The severed hand served well in flaming Leroy’s anger. He closed his eyes and focused his inner chi, and with the wind rustling his hair, bullets whizzing past him, and background music by Tyler Perry, he charged the enemy in slow motion, with a tourniquet in his good arm, and blood lust in his eyes. When the enemy saw the anger, they just did themselves a favour and shot each other.

But some knuckle-heads were die-hards, So Petry shot hot larva from his eyeballs, did a triple front flip (of course in slow motion, we don’t rush these things) and landed square on the shoulders of one of the enemy, and from this vantage position, used mind control to exterminate the others simply by radiating about one-sixth of his awesomeness, and then killed the one he was standing on with his butt cheeks.

Of course, after being so awesome, anyone would be exhausted, but not Petry. He helped evacuate every soldier in the vicinity (I don’t know how, but I’m guessing he lifted them all on one shoulder), before allowing himself to be taken away for treatment. No really, this dude was legendary. Just look at him.

Fuck you lookin’ at?

On second thought, don’t.

We would love to say all the medals he received, but why take our word for it? See for yourselves:

Tired yet?

He now uses a state-of-the-art prosthetic called an iLimb Pulse in place of his discombobulated right hand. On the prosthetic is a small plaque listing the names of all the soldiers who died on that assignment. Of course he stayed in the army. You really think they’d let someone this amazing go?

I solemnly swear… to bitch slap bitch niggas…for fun.

Poon Lim

THE KICK ASS LIFE AND TIME OF POON LIM

Settle down quickly please you unruly beings from that green and blue sphere, this message is straight from my superior kingdom here on mars and was sent to an earthling called Terdoh to convey so you should expect some dilution as it’s lost some of its Martian spice; but I’d trust you’d still make sense of what gibberish I’m sure it has become.

DISCLAIMER:  The message you are about to read has gone through series of inferior alterations hence I shall not be held responsible for, or laughed at for any “gbagauns” found. This message was dictated by my proud immortal self while on set for a movie (obviously about my awesome self…but this is not about me..)And was written by my make-up artist on set and was immediately sent to the earthling without being re-read or edited by me… have you written all that down? Good, wait, hope you didn’t just write my question… you fool stop writing till I say “ready for the next paragraph”. Alright I’m ready for the next paragraph.

Hello MTV, and welcome to my crib

I want to talk about a very spectacular earthling today and he is none other than Puun leam Poon lim. That Nigger (Chinese though) has the record for longest amount of days spent on a life ramp on sea with 133 days… on a wooden boat? Tell me you don’t already agree he’s a bad ass? You don’t? Facking lying bitches! Chill for a bit let me tell you how that dude denied the Grim 3 points in the league of extraordinary bad asses that season in 1943.

Chill, before you start writing this paragraph, tell them to note that this is as I saw the events from Mars’ surveillance of Earth. Done? Let’s move on. For the sake of this message I want you earthly beings to refer to poon as Sir. Poon Lim (Martian Knighthood secretly bestowed upon him) kapish? Or I shall seize earth’s oxygen supplies for 4 Minutes and 31 Seconds. Oh you’re still waiting to hear how he did it? Well I took interest in that section of the surveillance live feeds during the World War II because Sir. Poon was a steward on a British merchant ship and I sensed slavery tendencies within one look… but I was wrong, it was greatness I saw in that look. Pause, I’m starting to sound too dramatic. I’ve contaminated this paragraph; next!

Sir Poon Lim’s ship was attacked and torpedoed by a German vessel and the sharp dude immediately grabbed a life jacket and jumped out of the sinking ship just before it exploded like some James-Bond-Leave-The-Ship-Save-Yourself shit and was in the sea for 2 long hours before finding that wooden raft. The raft had several tins of biscuits, a forty litre jug of water, some chocolate, a bag of sugar lumps, some flares, two smoke pots and an electric torch but was that enough to have kept life in him for the 133 days? Do you eat one cornflake and perform hard labour? I think not!

Will…this damn thing..hold still!? I’m tryna take a picture! Shit! Fucked up my make-up!

That dude finished all the food on the raft in a fit of anger, because an angry man is a hungry man, and started hunting birds and sea creatures. Now I don’t know about you, but how you catch a bird, from sea level is beyond me. Poon had powers yo! He even wrestled a shark and sipped its blood like it was a margarita on the rocks to quench his thirst after the fight. Of course he didn’t stop there, he ate sea bully afterwards, using the bones in the rib cage of the shark as a toothpick, cos he’s an awesome badass that would make Bellatrix Lestrange look like Dobby.

This of course was the invention of Sushi, but Wikipedia won’t tell you that.

Please tell me you don’t even think he’s more than a bad ass. Well I continued monitoring SPL(yea, get used to the acronym too) for a while and kept on manipulating his situation to elongate the extra-terrestrial pleasure; in fact I deliberately made 2 vessels and a rescue plane pass him by and Poon claimed he was ignored on sea because he was Chinese. I can’t even tell you all the stunts that chin-ger pulled on that raft (like how he used to take a dump in a shark’s corpse and fling it all the way to outer space cos he was trying to preserve the water bodies of your planet) because it will start to feel and seem like fiction and Martians really can’t be associated with un real things

Anyways, I got tired of the bullshit and it wasn’t really fun watching SPL kill birds and sharks anymore. Or drink their blood and save rain water with canvas on the raft to drink and I finally stopped the manipulation and let the earthling sail to land in Brazil.  And throughout these 133 days SPL had lost only 9KG and was able to even walk unaided after being rescued. This is mainly because fish contains a lot of protein, for those who stabbed Home Economics class in the gut. Also, he could walk properly because he had been walking regularly, on water. But the Brazilians didn’t need to know that. I did…cos I’m Martian.

King George VI bestowed a British Empire Medal (BEM) on him, and the Royal Navy incorporated our tale into manuals of survival techniques. After the war, Poon Lim decided to immigrate to the United States, but the quota for Chinese immigrants had been reached. However, because of his fame, his sheer awesomeness, the aid of Senator Warren Magnuson, and his amazingly sleek hair alongside my inter-galactic influence, he received a special dispensation and eventually gained citizenship.

Poon Lim finally lost 3 points to The Grim in Brooklyn on January 4, 1991 but remains a bad ass to me. End.

If you ever forget me, never forget the silky smooth hair.

Send that to the Gay and self-pleasuring earthly creature, Shut that device and come do my make up

***************************

Yeah! People! As you may know, we’re halfway there with this 30 day thingy at Cumical Anecdotes. New series coming up, expect stupider posts and what not.

We love you. Also, there seems to be an influx of male groupies here. Where the bitches at?

Oh yeah, that reminds me. Basco is not desperate, but he needs groupies yo! As many groupies as possible. Twitter groupies, follow me first, then send yo titties to sendmeyotitties@foreal.com, after my scrutiny, I’ll give you the go ahead, then you can follow @The_Basco, and BBM groupies, add him 2201…wait. Yo Martian bitch! Should I put your pin?

Abeg, put it in le comments.

Peace out beeshes! I need to go write some more posts.

Nikola Tesla

Come, Sit. For thy mind is about to be blown.

I was watching the movie ‘The Prestige’ with a group of friends (actually classmates) a few week

s ago and we were thoroughly enjoying the movie. Then we got to the part where the great D’anton Goes to meet Nikola Tesla for help with a magic trick and then someone asked: “Tesla was real person right? It’s like I’ve heard the name before…”


At this point I almost died of shock. How can anyone, much less an engineer, not know who the great Nikola Tesla was? HABA! No! My own personal person TESLA?!

I proceeded to lecture them all on the life and times of Nikola Tesla who is quite possibly the greatest scientist/engineer/mad bastard to have ever walked the earth.

I also tagged them in a facebook note I wrote a few years back about the man (admittedly, much of it was plagiarized from www.cracked.com, but hey, don’t judge me, it was written a while ago and I wasn’t yet the promising young wordsmith I am today 😀 -if you like be there doing Yimu, your tongue will catch fire. But a lot of the tone and emphasis is mine)

Anyway, I felt I should share this with you all as well so here, enjoy!

Apparently, surprisingly few people these days are familiar with the life and times of one of humankind’s most eccentric, badass, and volumetrically-insane scientific super-geniuses. Its funny how so many people, even engineers and scientists, that use things he came up with seem to have little or no idea about who Telsa was.

First off, Nikola Tesla was fucking brilliant. And not just like Albert Einsteins “Bad guy siddon there dey look book” brilliant, either – I mean like, “holy shit! My head just exploded (from all the paraga awesomeness)” brilliant.

The Croatian-born engineer spoke eight languages, almost single-handedly developed technology that harnessed the power of electricity for household use, and invented things like electrical generators, FM radio, remote control, robots, spark plugs, fluorescent lights, and giant-ass machines that shoot enormous, brain-frying lightning bolts all over the place like crazy. He had an unyielding, steel-trap photographic memory and an insane ability to visualize even the most complex pieces of machinery – the guy did advanced calculus and physics equations in his fucking evil head, memorized entire books at a time, and successfully pulled off scientific experiments that modern-day technology STILL can’t replicate. For instance, in 2007 a group of lesser geniuses at MIT got all pumped up out of their minds because they wirelessly transmitted energy a distance seven feet through the air. Nikola Tesla once lit 200 lightbulbs from a power source 26 miles away, and he did it in 1899 with a machine he built from spare parts in the middle of the desert. To this day, nobody can really figure out how the hell he pulled that shit off, because two-thirds of the schematics only existed in the darkest recesses of Tesla’s all-powerful evil madman brain.

That’s right hater. I’m powering the bulb with my mind. You hating ma nigga?

Of course, much like many other eccentric giga-geniuses and diabolical masterminds, Tesla was also completely insane. He was prone to nervous breakdowns, claimed to receive weird visions in the middle of the night, spoke to pigeons, and occasionally thought he was receiving electromagnetic signals from extraterrestrials on Mars. He was also obsessive-compulsive and hated round objects, human hair, jewelry, and anything that wasn’t divisible by three. He was also asexual and celibate for his entire life. Basically, Nikola Tesla was the ultimate mad scientist, which is seriously bloody awesome.

Another sweet thing about Tesla was that he conducted the sort of crazy experiments that generally result in hordes of angry villages breaking down the door to your lab with torches and pitchforks a la Frankenstein. One time, while he was working on magnetic resonance, he allegedly discovered the resonant frequency of the Earth and caused a bloody earthquake so powerful that it almost obliterated the 5th Avenue New York building that housed his Frankenstein Castle of a laboratory. Shit was flying off the walls, the drywall was breaking apart, the cops were coming after him, and Tesla had to smash his device with a sledge hammer to keep it from demolishing an entire city block. Later, he boasted that he could have built a device powerful enough to split the Earth in two. Nobody dared him to prove it. I mean Dem dey crase? Nobody wanted to test the Nigga.
Tesla also ordered the construction of the Wardenclyffe Tesla Tower, a giant building shaped like an erect penis that would have housed the largest Tesla coil ever built. The massive structure, ostensibly designed to wirelessly transmit power, has been cited as a potential cause of the mysterious 1908 Tunguska Event – a ten-megaton blast that detonated in the wastelands above central Russia that completely obliterated and deforested everything unlucky enough to be located within a several hundred mile radius. While nothing has ever successfully proven

Tesla’s involvement in the ass-destroyingly huge explosion, it’s pretty awesome that this guy could potentially have detonated a weapon 1,000 times more powerful than the nuclear bomb that destroyed Hiroshima, and have done it back before they’d even invented the submachine gun.

Imma just split the universe in two right quick then go have some brunch.

During his adventures blinding half of the world with science, Nikola Tesla harnessed the power of Niagara Falls into the first hydroelectric power plant, constructed a bath designed to cleanse the human body of germs using nothing but electricity, and created a 130-foot long bolt of lightning from one of his massive coils (a feat which to this day remains the world record for

man-made lightning), but perhaps his most badass invention was his face-melting, tank-destroying, super-secret Atomic Death Ray. In the 1920s he claimed to be working on a tower that could potentially have spewed forth a gigantic beam of ionized particles capable of disintegrating aircraft from 200 miles away and blinking most men out of existence like something out of ‘star wars’. His weapon, known as the “Teleforce Beam” allegedly shot ball lightning at 60 million volts, liquefying its targets with enough power to vaporize steel, and, while it could shoot further than 200 miles, it’s effectiveness beyond that range was limited only by the curvature of the Earth. Luckily for all humans, this crazy shit never came to fruition – most of the schematics and plans existed only in Tesla’s head, and when he died of heart failure in 1943, little hard data on the project existed. Still, J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI confiscated all his personal shit and locked it away anyways, just to be safe.

Despite being incredibly popular during his day, now Tesla remains largely overlooked among lists of the greatest inventors and scientists of the modern era. Thomas Edison gets all the glory for discovering the lightbulb, but it was his one-time assistant and life-long arch-nemesis, Nikola Tesla (yes, Tesla worked for Edison and invented most of what people attribute to Edison today), who made the breakthroughs in alternating-current technology that allowed for people

to cheaply use electricity to power appliances and lighting in their homes. They constantly fought about whether to use alternating or direct-currents (their bitter blood feud resulted in both men being snubbed from the Nobel Prize committee), but ultimately Tesla was the one who delivered the fatal kick-to-the-crotch that ended the battle – at the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago, his AC generators illuminated the entire experience, marking the first time that an event of that magnitude had ever taken place under the glow of artificial light. Today, all homes and appliances run on Tesla’s AC current and Edisons DC is used for batteries. Lil’ Tommy Edison had to go home and cry like a little baby bitch.


Nikola Tesla was one of those super-genius badasses whose intellect placed him dangerously on the precipice between “great scientific mind” and “utter bloody madness”. He held 700 patents at the time of his death, made groundbreaking discoveries in the fields of physics, robotics, steam turbine engineering, and magnetism, and once melted one of his assistants’ hands by overloading it with X-rays – which isn’t really scientific, but is still pretty bloody awesome. And honestly, if there were one man on this planet who was ever capable of single-handedly destroying the entire planet through his insane scientific discoveries, it was Tesla. That alone should qualify him as a pretty righteous badass worthy of your undying respect.

Haters gonna hate.

Yogender Singh Yadav

When you think of the country of India, the first thing that comes to mind is Bollywood, with the gay ass, sexy ass, flexy homosexuals on the screen singing their hearts out and wooing bitches or Rancho making headmasters look bad, or you think of techy individuals with glasses trying to debug codes in Airtel applications, but you never think Hardcore Badass Commando Ninjas who take bullets in the balls, engage armed gunmen in hand-to-hand combat and feed on the blood of their foes. You couldn’t be more wrong if you thought them Indian Jones were soft, cos India has produced some of the most raw, uncut psychopaths in history.

A prime example would be Master Yadav.

Time for some history, settle down nigglings…

In case you’re unaware, or have been living under a rock for the past 4 decades, India and Pakistan are like Saber-tooth and Wolverine; always at loggerheads. And the primary reason is a strip of land. Kinda like Gaza, but this land is called Kashmir. The people of Kashmir are so confused about who they belong to, they just call themselves ‘Kashmiri’. The place is so hotly disputed that the political map of the region looks like a fucking suya pizza. There’s always some sort of war going on, and at a point there was even a nuclear bomb threat, which is sorta like using insecticide to try and kill bacteria.

Anyways, in 1999, shit boiled over the toilet bowl when Kashmiri and Pakistani rebels captured Indian lines and took over a couple abandoned fortresses and borders. The Indians found themselves in a disadvantaged position, and thought “fuck it, if we don’t do some shit soon, we’re gonna be kebab”. So during the Kargil War, Sensei Yadav was assigned to a special Balls-of-Steel, Let’s-Fuck-Up-These-Bitches unit that had been ordered to attack the Pakistani forts in a region popularly known as Tiger Hill.

The date was 3 July 1999. The mission was to climb a sheer, snow-covered cliff face at 18,000 feet, set up a rope system so troops could ascend the mountain, and eliminate any resistance in the area.  Now when I say “Tiger Hill”, the first thing that probably comes to mind is a gentle, rolling, grassy slope with a bunch of preteen kids chasing fireflies and hot Indian babes frolicking amongst sunflowers in wet saris, but this motherfucker is actually more along the lines of Annapurna being butt-fucked by Mt. Everest:

This is a picture of Kanchenjunga, the 3rd highest mountain in the world, taken from the top of Tiger hill. So you have an idea of the fucking height!

Yadav could walk on walls, but basically you don’t display your immortality to mere mortals. However, you try to help them. Since he had undergone Mountain Climbing Training, he volunteered to run point and be the lead man up the cliff face. His job was simply to fix a rope system in the ice so the men following him could walk-climb up the cliff to the top Batman-Robin style, where they would surprise the Pakistani bitches with some heavy assault and scare the scrotums off the individuals and kick them back to the border like Mexi cans…

Yogender Singh Yadav whipped out his climbing gear; pick-axe, rope, balls and all, and started on the dangerous mission. After several minutes of climbing, Sensei Yogender was about halfway up the cliff, with his platoon commander and several comrades close behind him waiting to complete the climb when all of a sudden the Commandos heard RPG fire.

Someone had snitched. Bitch.

Seconds later, a rocket propelled grenade smashed into the mountain side and machine guns went off on the Indians. Several of Yadav’s comrades were shot, and killed on the spot. Others simply plummeted into the great beyond. Though he held on, Yadav himself took 3 bullets, two in the shoulder, and one in the mother fucking ball sack.

Ever had a kick in the balls? Yadav took a bullet. What have you done with your life?

The bullet in his scrotum just served to piss Yadav the fuck off! So he let go of the pick axe and the rope and ran the remaining 60 ft to the top.

Once he got to the top of terra firma, he went on to charge the bunker, which incidentally had all guns in his direction and was firing at will. Yadav willed the bullets to pass through his body, cos fuck it, real men need no bullet proof! When he was close enough, he dropped a grenade, all the while screaming “Neyhi! Ye shall not take me alive” with some Indian chick singing in the background.

At this point, a second fucking pillbox was aimed at his comrades, trying to kill the brave ass commandos who were still attempting to climb up Tiger Hill. So Yadav cracked his neck bones and his knuckles, lit a cigarette, replaced his rifle clip, did some Indian snake charming dance and sang another Bollywood spiritual, then charged the gun emplacement. He ran up, leaped into the Pakistani position in slow motion, and came face-to-face with a four-man machinegun team.

At that point, Yadav entered Kung-Fu-Wolf-Negro-Ass-Kicking mode and started to take the armed gunmen two bitches at a time, flicking a bullet in some dude’s eyeball, burying his boot in another’s face, and finishing the last two off in Jet-Li-Meets-Jackie-Chan-Meets-Ip-Man style. Khan would have been proud.

All this while, Yadav sustained injuries including a broken arm which he got by mistakenly punching himself in the face during all the excitement. When his comrades finally got to him and attempted to pull him to safety and treatment, he just ripped his shirt and bandaged himself, then whipped off his belt and made a make-shift sling for his broken arm and said something along the lines of “Fuck y’all. We s’posed to be whooping some ass, muh fuckers!” His comrades were so pumped by this show of bravery and balls (which still contained a bullet by the way) that they charged the third Pakistani position and within minutes, the battle was over.

For his bravery on Tiger Hill, the Indian Army, thinking he was dead, posthumously awarded the Param Vir Chakra (which is the highest award for bravery) to Yogender Singh Yadav.  The thing is, Yadav lived through the battle.  But he received notification of his “posthumous” award from his hospital bed, as he was recovering from a broken arm, a broken leg, and about a hundred bullet holes to his body and groin.  Apparently, nobody that heard the story believed that he could have possibly survived, but nobody banked on the fact that he was the most hardcore motherfucker around.

Le fooq you looking at?

Alvin York

Alvin C. York: Male, Friend, Brother, Son, Father, Soldier, Total Badass, Immortal.

One evening, a fairly young man and his comrade walk into a pub to have a few drinks and generally whoop some ass which is a daily routine. Unfortunately for you both, you meet your match, and you generally decide “Fuck this shit, this can of whoop ass will expire tomorrow, we had better open it up today”, so you open up that can of whoop ass anyway and while you’re busy spreading some of the love, your comrade dies.

You’d be in a total dipshit mood from that day on, wouldn’t you?

Well, Alvin York was no different. When his mate died in the bar fight, he swore off alcohol, became a hardcore Christian and vowed never to fight again.

Then the war came. And basically, the military is stingy with the fucks when it comes to your vows against violence. As long as you have functioning limbs and can shoot straight, you could be an Asian, Muslim monk, when it’s time for war; you drop your pashmina, and pick up the damn rifle. This is World War I goddammit!

Shiii…

York was drafted into the 82nd Infantry (which is the stage just before the balls-out elite 82nd Airborne) He was then taken to the sunny French countryside – only in the Fall of 1918 the rolling hills of Northern Frannice weren’t blossoming with fragrant crops of Vitis Viniferae, chirping turtledoves and busty mademoiselles in see-through white sundresses, they were littered with dead bodies, mustard gas and fucking giant smoking craters filled with the dismembered appendages of millions of unlucky bastards.

Even though York was ideologically opposed to the idea of fighting, once he got out in the Sheiße and one of the German shots barely missed his earlobe, he was more than happy to return the favor.  It was on the afternoon of 8 October 1918 that York would forge a legend that would make him the most famous American war hero of the First World War.

York’s 328th Infantry Regiment was steadily moving through the countryside when all of a sudden a nearby ridgeline erupted with the sound of machine gun fire.  Over thirty gun nests had been skillfully concealed on the ridges, and when the Americans got too close the Germans just opened up on them.  The initial barrage of molten lead nearly wiped out the entire detachment before the US troops managed to get withdraw to safety.  When it became apparent that there was no way for the Americans to take these guns head-on, and with the rest of the Americans pinned down by constant machinegun and mortar fire, York’s platoon was ordered to quietly move into a flanking position and attack the German guns from the rear.  York and the rest of his men quietly maneuvered around the enemy guns, and before long they came upon a small German trench located just behind the ridgeline.  The Americans quickly overran the enemy’s position, killing two of the enemy and capturing several more.  It looked as though things were going smoothly when all of a sudden; above the din of battle they heard a shrill German scream.

The gunfire suddenly stopped.  The 17 Americans in York’s detachment looked up and saw fucking thirty-two German machine guns swinging around to face them.  They pretty much had only started peeing in their pants, before gunfire ripped through the US ranks.  Within seconds, 9 GI’s were cut down like a rainforest on an episode of Captain Planet.  York’s squad-mates ducked into the German bunker and took cover, but he quickly found himself standing alone, with little cover, staring down an entire regimental German machine gun company.

Listen close bitch niggas, I will only be saying this once…

You know how you type ‘Tuck Tuck Tuck’ in Age of Empires III and unlock a fucking bulldozer, that’s how the Germans fired at York till they unlocked a fucking badass…He unbuckled his rifle, and really started capping people off. Do not anger a man sworn to peace. Initially he was standing and shooting. Look, listen, I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. York stood and shot at several Germans who were behind machine gun nests. And he did this from a volatile position. As long as their heads showed up, he popped them off.

Stallone is reading this right now going “The fuck?”

Gangsta…

And those machine guns were spitting fire and cutting down the undergrowth all around me something awful.  The Germans were yelling orders.   You never heard such a ‘racket in all of your life.  I didn’t have time to dodge behind a tree or dive into the brush, I didn’t even have time to kneel or lie down.  I had no time nohow to do nothing but watch them-there German machine gunners and give them the best I had.  Every time I seed a German I jes teched him off.  At first I was shooting from a prone position; that is lying down; jes like we often shoot at the targets in the shooting matches in the mountains of Tennessee; and it was jes about the same distance.  But the targets here were bigger.  I jes couldn’t miss a German’s head or body at that distance.  And I didn’t.  Besides, it weren’t no time to miss nohow.

 -Alvin C. York, Immortal.

Even Bow just said Wow.

York was giving more headshots than a high school party, and at the same time having to dodge bullets like he was in the Matrix. This dude just dropped an entire army, got to his last set of ammunition and at that fateful moment was when a set of Germans decided to charge York with bayonets. Dude didn’t have time to reload, so out came the fucking pistol.

Shit…

I teched off the sixth man first; then the fifth; then the fourth; then the third; and so on.  That’s the way we shoot wild turkeys at home.   You see we don’t want the front ones to know that we’re getting the back ones, and then they keep on coming until we get them all.  I knowed, too, that if the front ones wavered, or if I stopped them the rear ones would drop down and pump a volley into me and get me.

 -Alvin C. York, Immortal.

“Genius huh? Thought so…”

Total fucking badass… Really, would you have thought of that? Please…

After ‘teching’ off these many Germans single-handedly, one of the wise, albeit bitch-nigga survivors, a German Major, rose up from the trenches with both hands in the air and slowly approached the blood-lusted York.  The major pleaded (in perfect English), “If you don’t shoot anymore, I will make them give up”.

Ever notice how the leaders always seem to survive in the war? Poor blankets..

When all was said and done, Alvin York had single-handedly killed 28 enemy soldiers and captured 128 enlisted men, 4 officers and 32 machine guns armed with a rifle, a pistol, and balls of concrete steel,  without suffering so much as a scratch on his body.  With this regimental-sized enemy machine gun Company out of the way, the American 77th Division was able to capture the railroad that evening.  For his 1337 asskicking skills, York was lauded as a hero by the Allied forces – he received the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Croix de Guerre, the Legion of Honor, and the Croce di Guerra.  As all of the POWs were being marched back to the American HQ, Brigadier General Lindsay walked up and said something to the effect of, “Jesus Christ York, I hear that you captured the whole fucking German Army!”  York responded, “No sir, just 132 of them.”

Modest York…

He has a city named after him by the way. You should have heard of it.

Simo Häyhä

The year is 1939, the Russian Premier is headed by Joseph Stalin, and this guy had just taken some high quality mushrooms, and he’s in the middle of some good blowout probably with Snoop Dogg’s granddaddy, when he thought “Hey, why don’t we go harass the natives and loot their shit”. Of course every idea sounds like a good idea when you’re puffing that good ish. You could be on premium weed and go “I want a new tattoo. In Microsoft Sans Serif” and slip your hand in the tray of a printer. So with his head in purple haze, Stalin sends like 2 million of his hungry Russians to go raid Finland.

The Finnish were a little upset about this. Just a little… They didn’t want to unleash terror on the Russians, but they weren’t about to lose their shit to some stoned Russians stupid enough to attack them. So the good, unperturbed people of Finland sent out one of their fishermen to go look into the disturbance.

Now I want you to take a look at the subject of discussion here, Simo Häyhä. Don’t be deceived by the mini skirt. He’s more of a badass than Jason and Freddy could ever be combined. He was probably doing some whale fishing or creating canoes from the skin of crocodiles he killed in his sleep when he was called upon to handle the Russians.

I didn’t have time to make pants! This is war!

When Baba Simo was summoned, he put aside his croc-skin canoe and picked up his old-school Russian-made Mosin-Nagant M28/30 rifle and got ready to whoop some Russian-born donkey. Now Simo had unmatched knowledge of the forest. I mean, the chicken does not put two legs down in the magic forest of the turkey during the winter (or something like that…sha you don’t fuck around in someone else’s territory). Simo’s territory was the forest, he was also extremely patient (his doctors would have been proud) and he had an excellent skill in busting caps off in enemy troops heads.

Simo was a sniper. Probably the best that ever lived since Captain Price of Call of Duty 4- Modern Warfare. This crazy dude would sneak through the forest with a day’s supply of food and exactly the number of bullets he needed for capping heads off of the enemy. Not even joking here. The first standoff came during the Kollaa campaign and boy was he badass. The temperature ranged between -20 and -40 degrees, and the entire fucking crew of stoned Russian dudes wasn’t expecting this, cos it was FREAKING COLD! During this period, Simo just ran around, with his best friend, Luck, giving free head shots like a happy bartender, capping a personal best of 25 kills in a day, which is like two football teams and 3 subs. (This statistic represents those that were counted. Excluding the dudes he probably killed with his bare hands from 40 miles away).

Gangster…

Because of this, the Russians called him The White Death. I mean, how cool a name is that? Someone calls himself “the Daywalker”, “Sirkastiq”…Or “Cumical”. Bleh! All the mutants in the entire universe would fight to the death for such a cool name. But Simo Häyhä got this, bitches. He was so called cos he was camouflaged in all white, in a snow-white forest. How the fuck do you expect to catch him? At a point, they began randomly launching artillery strikes on various locations with the hope of catching him. But Simo is immortal, much like many of the other heroes in this series. Their desperation (which can only be compared to that of a hungry mosquito in a room-full of mannequins) was futile.

Bitch niccuhs…

After hearing about how good Häyhä was with his piece-of-shit, belongs-in-a-museum rifle, the Finnish thought “what if this dude had an actual badass rifle to match the owner”, so they got him an asswhooping piece of awesomeness; a custom-built Sako M2/28-30 Sniper Rifle of Headshots +3. I mean, the name has “Headshots +3”. The Russians stood no chance.

The most awesome totally kickass-shit thing Simo was known for was the fact that he did all the decapitation without the aid of telescopic sight. Now that’s Vision 20/20. He preferred iron targets simply because he’s a hardcore badass and preferred it the old fashion way.

“Where the heads at?”

One fateful day, Simo was having lunch with Luck when Luck ran out to get some water for his cold coffee and some dude in the Russian camp shot a lucky bullet and took out Häyhä’s jaw with an explosive bullet. He fell into a coma, and was pulled off the battlefield by his comrades. He woke up 11 days later and that same day, the war was over.

What you expect? I’m sure once word reached the Russian camp that White Death cheated death, they would have waved white flags and done like the opposite of right; left.

Simo Häyhä received five medals for valour, including the prestigious Kollaa Cross, and was express-promoted from corporal to second lieutenant.  Throughout the war, Häyhä raked in a total of 505 confirmed sniper kills (in some sources he is credited with 542).  On top of this, he also mowed down two hundred men with a Suomi 9mm submachine gun, bringing his total kill count to over 700 men in under 100 days.

Your move Terminator…

No one in History has ever recorded more confirmed kills, except of course Chuck Norris, and the Passover angel. Simo was a mere fisherman who used patience, skill, and an entire (jerry) can of whoop ass to defend his home.

Recognize the unsung hero.

Paddy Trumbull

Hello.

@OluwaWanaBaba here.

*blank stare*

I’m here to tell a story, so can y’all please sit yo’ asses down? Okay? Better.

*sips engine oil*

I’m here to tell you the story of a legend. The person who makes Voldemort cringe in fear… The person who makes Adolf Hitler run for cover… The person who sends Didier Drogba’s babalawo to his knees.

Her name…

*crowd murmurs… “A woman?”*

Yes, a woman, you chauvinistic egotistical male pigs.

Her name… Paddy Trumbull.

Let me give you the official gist first… What we told the public… Paddy is a 62-year old grandmother who fought off an attack from a shark just two years ago, suffering several lacerations to her buttocks and losing a lot of blood.

*ooohs and aahs rise from the crowd*

That is just a tiny proportion of the story. But during my tour of Australia last month, I met Paddy in person. And the story was so awesome I had to bring her in to come and tell us the story herself… People, welcome Paddy Trumbull.

Paddy: Hello y’all. Wana told me he would like me to share my story with you all, so I decided I would, because I admire his awesomeness and I want to be awesome like him one day.

This all happened because I had a big ass. My big ass has always been a major factor in my life. My best subject in school was Astrology. My best racing game was Asphalt. My parents were killed by assassins. I’m asthmatic. I could go on and on about the things in my life that my ass has decided…

Don’t get me wrong though… I love my ass… I’m very proud of it, or at least, what’s left of it

*Paddy stands up and taps her ass, Kelvin straightens his tie*

Ice Prince: Her ass makes me throw groundnuts in the air. Astronaut.

Paddy: *smiles* Back to what truly happened. My husband and I were out snorkeling when –

Terdoh: Snorke-what? TF is that?

Paddy: Snorkeling, you Benue-ass nigga. It means swimming in water… Or something like that… Shii confuses me at times too… That’s not the point… Don’t interrupt me again, okay?

Terdoh: Okay *hides face*

Paddy: So my husband and I were off snorkeling *sneers at Terdoh* off Dent Island in Queensland, when the unthinkable happened.

@HomeSchooldNerd: Why’s it called Dent Island though?

Paddy: Because a lot of dentists live there.

Wana and Terdoh, can you please tell your friends to stop interfering? They’re cramping my style.

@weird_oo: Your style is on her period?

Wana: Please y’all…

Paddy: So… *eyes crowd tentatively* I’m just chillin’ in the water, when this black guy with huge tribal marks, comes out from nowhere, and tells me he wants to tap my feel my ass.

I’m flattered; of course, that this black man swam all the way from wherever he swam from. I’m a modest person though, and do not just allow anybody to touch the 10th wonder of the world: my sweet bum.

@NickFish3r: Padi mi Paddy, you no go vex abeg, but I gats interrupt now. There are only 7 wonders of the world. How come your ibadii is the 10th wonder?

Paddy: *sigh* You don’t know the list has been reviewed? Wana’s blog is the 8th wonder of the world, Moin-Moin is the 9th, and my ass is the 10th.

So while I was thinking of a polite way to turn the black, scar-faced gentleman down, I offered him some Moin-Moin and a can of beer and we got talking. I found out that he was from Ibadan and his name was Emmanuel, though he kept on pronouncing it as Hemmanuel. He said he dreamt of my yansh (That’s the word he used for my ass… Such a vulgar word) and swam all the way through the  Atlantic and Indian oceans just to feel it.

It was becoming late, and I knew I had to dispose of the nigga straightaway. I looked him in the eye, and tried to mimic him. “Hemma, you have to go”. Then he took a sip of the beer, and his eyes turned blood-shot red.

I think Wana should take over from here. *wipes tear*

Wana: Sorry Paddy.

So, as the story dey go. As the guy shark the paraga, na im the paraga shark am sef. As the paraga shark am, na im the guy turn to Shark. As the guy turn to shark, e come look Paddy for eye tell am say, “Aunty Oyinbo, mi o kin se Anakin Skywalker, but mo ma jedi e.”

Paddy was frightened and before she could react, the ibadan man-cum-shark lept on her left gluteal cheek and ripped half of it out, lacerating her legs, making her bleed profusely.

She had lost a lot of blood, and was about losing consciousness. She was about to give up when she heard a voice from the heavens telling her to “reach for the Moin-Moin floating beside her and eat it”. And as she stuffed it in her mouth, she felt new life in her.

She suddenly had the belief she could do anything thanks to the Moin-Moin in her, and she put it to good use. She first transformed herself into Shang-Tsung, and sucked her blood back from the shark. Then she turned into Ice Prince and dropped 16 bars on the shark’s head.

While the shark was dazed, she ripped its jaws apart. And in one swift move, she changed into Sergio Ramos and kicked the shark into orbit.

By the time her husband got back to her, she had changed back to herself. He was horrified by her wounds, and took her to a hospital.

And the rest, as they say, is a subject for Arts students in Senior Secondary School.

And that is the awesome story of Paddy Trumbull.

Don’t hate the player, playa.

Gen. Sanni Abacha

*Insert national anthem here*

For most of you, don’t lie, the only part of the National anthem that played in your head when you read the above line was the opening instrumental. It’s not your fault really, its a psychological effect that has been proven by scientists who never conducted research to show the effect of the national anthem and … forget it.

A few thoughts actually run around my mind when I think about this country and our national memorabilia. One of these is won’t they ever change that flag they show whenever a president is about to make a speech? Like that flag has been one and the same since there was still clapperboard TV. But we aren’t here to discuss flags but indulge the owner of this blog on his quest to reveal the “League of Badasses” or something of that sort. As usual, let me apologise for deviating from what may be the status quo, I could very well have shared amazing stories about Bill Clinton (who’s moniker should be the blow job guy) tell me you got that please, or Kim Kardashian but lots of people have done that (yes I mean DONE ‘that’). So I’m just gonna school you on one (or probably the greatest) badass to come out of Nigeria.Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you General Sani Abacha (Mss Fss, Mni, GCON, GCFR, RIP)

Don’t look at my eyes nigga, Imma slap you silly…

Now, I know that some here may want to dispute my theory and be quick to shout “NO! IBB was the baddest ever!” but neigh, hold your horses while I school your asses for a bit (damn! I’m getting good at this wordplay shit). So yes, we shall refer to our subject as “the General” because he’s bad ass like that and it’s better to be safe than sorry. Ignore what you’ve heard about death being the end of life, there are some dead that can end your life. Anyway, let’s proceed…The story of the General cannot be told without reference to the civil war, in fact that is where his story started as can be seen in the pic below…

Aha! so this is how its done! Oho!!!

Our general started as a behind the scenes officer, you know those type of G’s that move in silence like lasagne. Always close to the corridors of power even when not qualified to be. As can be seen in the picture, he’s clearly observing the moves as laid down by his superiors. Incase your eyes only see in color and can’t recognise the other goons in the pic, they are Olusegun Obasanjo, IBB and T.Y Danjuma.

The General’s career started sometime in 1963 when he was commissioned into the army (see if you want history, go and check Wikipedia) Anyway, it is believed that he played an active role in the Lagos/abeokuta phases of the January 1966 coup and would go on to feature prominently in three other coup d’états. How many people do you know have such an impressive record? Like this nigga was so good at snitching on his leaders, he did it four times till he got to the top- Classic case of keeping your enemies the closest.

The General would eventually rise through the ranks (although I gather that he wasn’t the brightest of officers) but what do you need brightness for in the army, when you clearly know how to stab people in the back (literally). You see, the general was so cunning, he participated in the coup that brought Buhari to power, he also participated in that which removed Buhari from power years later. Haahaha! This guy did not send you oh: he would fuck you up in a quick minute. Now, this is where it gets interesting, you know how you thought IBB was the baddest mo’fo ever? Well check this: When IBB became president, he realised that he needed to keep those he feared close by, he immediately made Gen Abacha Chief of Army staff. This meant that Abacha had direct control over the army. IBB thought by making Abacha one of his key officers, he was securing his position. Well, it turned out to be true and false at the same time.

Fashionista toh behd. “You hating ma nigga?”

Fashionista toh behd. “You hating ma nigga?”

The General would serve IBB loyally up until 1990 when he was also made Minister of Defence. You have to understand that this nigga was so good at causing harm to the government, so he was placed in positions that would make it a bit hard to carry out a mutiny. This may seem a tad vague to you but if you understand the Military, you would follow. So yeah, time for elections and the whole June 12 debacle, Abacha saw his opening, he and some other ‘loyalists’asked  IBB to do the moon walk and step aside after handing over to a caretaker government. IBB heeded the advice and 8 months into the Shonekan administration, we would wake up to the sound of Martial music and a national broadcast with the very familiar intro; “My fellow Nigerians…”

This time though, the guy on the TV wasn’t IBB, they wore the same uniform, this dude looked shorter, blacker and had on some mad ass Ray Bans. Like nigga looked like he just walked out of the set of a ‘Police sunglasses ad’ dripping swag and shit. So homie goes on to tell us of how bla bla bla and how he’s our new president. Gheun! Anyway, plenty long things, the General would rule Nigeria for 5 years during which we can boldly say we experienced what living in fear meant. The General’s administration was characterized by lots of killings, bombings etc. People just died on the regular like chickens. Oppose the government and die. This homie even called the bluff of the United states and the international community. Because of this nigga, Nigeria didn’t go defend the African cup of nations we won just cos the dude had beef with South Africa. Nigga was like “yeah Mandela, we ain’t coming to kick your nations ass in soccer cos we bad like that. Uhun!”

I’m not gonna mention those that lost their lives within the period of this administration but them plenty sha. The General also introduced what we now know as “family business” In case you don’t know, this is highly classified information which you NEVER read.  During the regime, a total of 5 billion pounds was reported siphoned out of the country’s coffers by the head of state and members of his family. At that time Abacha was listed as the world’s fourth most corrupt leader in recent history. Abacha’s national security adviser, Alhaji Ismaila Gwarzo, played a central role in the looting and transfer of money to overseas accounts. His son Mohammed Abacha was also involved. A preliminary report published by the Abubakar transitional government in November 1998 described the process:  The General told Ismaila Gwarzo to provide fake funding requests, which he approved. The funds were usually sent in cash or travellers’ cheques by the CBN to Gwarzo, who took them to Abacha’s house. Mohammed then arranged to launder the money to offshore accounts. An estimated $1.4 billion in cash was delivered in this way.[

Like I said, all that info is classified. Its Wikipedia that said it o! Don’t comman cause wahala for me o, its Wikipedia ehen! So yeah, anyway apart from the quality fashion sense and bad guy nature of the General, he also had some weird pets, yeah he had lions in Aso rock. I kid you not. I hear they were used to threaten erring people. I’ve always wished I could have lions just so I can one day say “feed him to the lions” as a bad guy n shit. In June 1998, we heard some gist; since the days of Adam all the way to the days of Samson even to present day Davido, Ladies have always been a problem. Our general seemed to have bitten more than he could chew on one fateful day. We hear that he was in the company of some Indian teenage prostitutes. Now we don’t know what position they were on but I’m guessing it must have been doggy or some shit like that because you just CANNOT die in missionary position. Nah, even God will ask if something is wrong with you. So during the thrusting and pushing and going faster, Oga had a heart attack and POOF! The Indian chic must have thought he was cumming probably till he went limp inside her. YUCK!!! Dont even try to picture the occurrence, you’ll give yourself brain haemorrhage. Anyway wrapping up this long story… Wait. What more do you want? A summary? A lesson? What do you think this is? No seriously, dafuq I look like? Jimi Solanke? Y’all better get to stepping before I get all world star hip hop on yo stomp the yardable faces. I can’t even be bothered to end this shit epically.

The Brothers Meng

When Terdoh told me about this, I really wished I could write about the Hulk. He however said it had to be real people. I wonder why people think the hulk isn’t a real person. Anyway, for the record let it be stated here that I know the Hulk and that he is as real to me as jollof rice and Fanta.

Awesomeness… X 2

What’s more awkward than two cripples having sex? Think very deeply about it because you haven’t the faintest idea what it feels like having seen what I have.  Okay, another question. What did I tell you guys about the Chinese? Those Mongoloid midgets are the giants of our time. I don’t care if you are voltron, I’d choose an average Chinese over you any day. Well unless of course you’re the HULK… but well, err yeah…  You’re not.  A wise man once said that at least one of his daughters was gonna marry a Chinese man. I read it in this blog here. Call me a traffic warden directing traffic to the blog and shii…. I don’t care. It is my favourite blog. *bb straight face*

Anyway, in the summer of the year of our Lord, 2007, I decided to visit my friend of many years, Lei Ying Lo who lived on the outskirts of Beijing.  You see Lei Ying is gay and is secretly married to his lover, Dum Gai and hence, were forced to live on the outskirts of town. You know, two dumb gays lying low… You catch my drift.

One cool day in August, I decided to go into the nearby plains of Fangshang to hunt me some possum. It was while silently rummaging through the under grass that I felt the urge. I suddenly felt like laying an offering to the porcelain god. Only problem was that there was no porcelain god in the outback even though there was an abundance of offerings. So I went into the shrubs and decided to ‘mind my business’. I was doing that in piss when I noticed something out the corner of my eye. Two cripples doing the do. I mean I don’t even know what to call the position they were in…  Maybe reverse mormon. All I know is there were no legs and no right hands involved. When you take away take away the right hands, you have the lefts left, right? Right! Only there was only one left hand involved. I’m not sure which of the cripples had the complete arm. All I could think about at that time was how unlucky the dude was if the arm was his. There’s nothing more disgusting for a guy than not being ambisextrous. A nigga needs to be able to fap with both hands yo! Ask Terdoh…

I will leave the rest to your imagination because that’s not the strangest thing I saw that day.  *insert tears*

So, I quietly finished my duty and sauntered off to hunt more possum. A few kilometers in I heard sounds and decided to climb a nearby tree to gain vantage point. That’s when I saw it. First it was one arm reaching out of the ground and then came another. A zombie was quietly clawing it’s way out of the earth a few meters away!

 

In my mind I was like AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

And then there were two! I sat on the tree and watched as two Chinese zombies made a grand entry into our world. I rubbed my eyes to see if I was hallucinating but I couldn’t be smellucinating at the same time now, could I? Those creatures looked dirty as hell and smelt like shit! It was almost like they had been swimming in a sea of poop and I know for a fact from my sojourns into the underworld that zombies didn’t smell half as bad even though they were soap dodgers. And then it hit me. Whisky Tango fucking -Foxtrot!!! Could it be?!.

The truth:

Five days earlier, it was in the local news that a mine had collapsed in the area and that two brothers were trapped in there. Being that the mine was illegal as are many Chinese mines, rescue efforts were called off after one day of digging. Their families had held funeral proceedings for them and I remember Dum Gai saying he was gonna attend one of those.  Turns out these awesome brothers were hearing the pick axes as they dug towards them and began to claw their way towards the sounds with their bare hands! Imagine the chagrin they felt when they stopped hearing sounds. If it was you don’t lie, you’d just give up. Like seriously, what would you do if you were trapped 60 feet sub surface of the earth and you knew for a fact that nobody was coming to get you? Asked a couple of people and trust the typical Nigerian, the most common response I got was ‘God forbid’. I would pray; I would shit my pants; I’d masturbate…. But no. Majority just said crap like “that is not my portion”. I’ll deal with you overtly religious Nigerian lot later. Back to my awesome Chinese super cool chronicle.

So for five days, these MEN clawed their way through dirt and rock with their bare hands. When they got hungry and thirsty, they just ate carbohydrates. Well not your average eba and yam but a variant of it. These yellow men from the land east of the rising sun ate COAL. Now coal is not a definite compound but basically is a hydrocarbon. It is composed of carbon, hydrogen and other amounts of nitrogen, oxygen and sulfide. Carbohydrate has the name connotes also is Carbon and hydrates i.e. carbon, hydrogen and oxygen. Now I’m not your average chemistry buff but carbohydrates are energy giving foods and coal also is an energy giving fuel used to power trains in days of old. Energy can be converted to different forms and all so by some freaking natural phenomenon, they got powered.

Eba = Coal?

If you still can’t get your head around why these people just refused to die, you haven’t heard the most amazing of all. This was an illegal mine and was supposedly supposed to be void of any oxygen. How the flipping hell did these gods manage to stay alive?! Dear mortals, it really isn’t that difficult to die is it? If you think it isn’t, why not try to suck on some piss soaked coal popsicle for 5 days? Then dig through 66 feet of earth with your hands, yeah lest I forget, hold your breath while doing it too.When they got thirsty, they just gulped on their own urine and kept on clawing upwards. Bare hands and all…. I was never gonna mention that in passing. Now, be very afraid of a man that’ll drink his own urine! Seriously people, even something as immortally despicable as me wouldn’t think of drinking piss! These q^w#ji?jns gave a whole new definition to taking the piss! I kept wondering if the piss was yellow and finally concluded that it would probably be black with all the coal consumption.

Ladies, gentlemen and Terdoh, give a mental standing ovation to these two awe inspiring wondrous monstrosities. Sons of men, who said no to death. Men of men, sons of Meng: Xianchen and Xianyou. I’m sure the entire Meng clan, China and the extraordinary league of awesome gentlemen are proud of you.

The Meng Brothers

*Larry Sushey takes a bow*