RoLLing CreDits..

*strolls to podium, cocks head to the side à là Obama style, looks at crowd, taps mic*

You know how you ask people how they are doing and their automated impulsive answer is “fine, thank you,” even if they had just been hit by a rusted, rickety Molue? Yeah..I honestly do not know why I just wrote that ‘cos it has nothing to do with why I’m tapping at these keys. It was just a thought that passed by my brain and so…ah. Whatever! I digress…

Telling you it’s the end of the year is like telling you what your name is. Except you have a chronic and severe case of amnesia, That should be as obvious as the fact that we do not have a president at Aso Rock but a resident. However, I digress…

The year 2011 is surely at its end and people everywhere are looking forward to a better 2012. I’m not one of them. Hold up, don’t get me wrong. I mean I’m not in a hurry to start looking to a new day when this one isn’t done yet. I believe it’s the language of the Lazy when they say “make 2012 come jare, this year don tire me.” What would be done differently to make the New Year better or different? I think some people just think “better” is associated with a New Year. Again, I’m not one of them. Still, I digress…

Now to the business of the day: Looking through the year, there’s so much that has happened, I really do not know where to start to ensure that I do not bore the hell out of your already seeming boring existence. Truth is, you opened this page ‘cos you were bored and you wanted to read something interesting. See your life? This is my review of the year past, well it’s not really a review ‘cos I can’t really be bothered to start thinking back that far so I’m just gonna make it a Thankful post.
I learnt early in life to be thankful in all things. The bible also re-iterates this fact. This is a shoutOut to all who made 2011 the bomb that it was (pun not intended)

This year was different as it was the first time I was away from family at the turn of the New Year, it was also the first time I didn’t go for a crossover service and the first time I made no New Year plans or resolutions. I would normally write down things I desired to achieve at certain points of the year but I did nothing of that sort this time, matter of fact, I entered the year with just one plan: Having no plans.
And so we got underway, the celebrations were over and it was back to the hassles of making it daily and surviving in this entity called Nigeria. For bachelors like us, this is no mean feat. Staying all by yourself without much knowledge in culinary affairs could be quite disastrous and is mostly responsible for the fact that I haven’t attained my desired Tyson Gardner body structure (but all in due time sha). Thus a high point of my year worthy of recognition is none other than…

INDOMIE !!!

…for being a life saver; my most constant and frequent stomach resident in the year. When others proved too expensive or unavailable, Indomie stood the test of time and remained faithful. Manifesting in different forms (hot, cold, biscuit, pepper soup) Indomie, you made my year. Looking forward to the new year with you (but don’t be too present)

2011 was also the year I became a better writer (if I may say so myself) for many who don’t know, I am not as good a writer as you think. Heck! You should read my early posts on my former blog. I cringe at the things I wrote there. I stumbled into blogging as a getaway place after my heart was broken in 2010. Facebook wasn’t safe ‘cos everyone there knew me and would stupidly ‘like’ any status updates I put up (even if it was “My heart is shattered”) Twitter was boring and I didn’t have a hang of it yet…You remember how it took you 5 months to start getting a hang of twitter? Ok I digress…

In this year, I discovered I could easily express the thoughts in my head through blogging without bothering about spelling, grammatical correctness and stuff. I just said stuff as it came. It was an eureka moment for me! I must at this point appreciate Laide @exschoolnerd and Sheriff @sheriphskills as these guys formed the backbone of how my early posts were structured. I’ll just read through theirs and inspiration would come. I even adopted sheriff’s art of putting disclaimers at the end of my posts.haha! Look at me now. Sheriff is now my boy, hahaha!!! Can’t forget @adahna too, she used to write well o until boys started pressing her breasts and she got dicstracted (pronounce as spelt, thank you)

I found an outlet in writing and quickly discovered my niche was humour. Don’t get me wrong, I do not consider myself funny but some seem to think I am. It became more evident when I was nominated for and won the award for “Most Humorous blog of the year 2011” at the Nigerian Blog Awards. <— See as I made that look like a red carpet event and shii? Lol..Anyway, I won and I ain’t even gonna front, Twas a highlight of my year and it felt good.
And then I closed the blog…

But a lot happened before that…

Ugwugate.

My review of 2011 can never be complete without the tales of my love life. Infact, this was why I couldn’t volunteer to take part in the 30day challenge on 19th street ‘cos my year without love is like Mr Ibu without stupidity (they go hand in hand)
.
So yeah, lots of stories have made the rounds about what really transpired or went down in the whole “Ugwu scandal” and I’m not going to bore you with details or stuff. The truth is, I did make some mistakes and I’m not ashamed to admit that. If I had most of the information I have right now, I definitely would have done things differently.
Allow me say this as a word of advice to whoever cares to take it: “What goes around comes back around.” Yeah..ah well, When things happen to me, I choose not to regret rather I seek out the lessons to be learnt and try to etch them deep into the fibre of my being. I must say that I learnt some hard lessons sha, I might as well share some with you:

1. Like I said earlier, keep your private life private. Avoid the urge to splash it in the faces of people. This temptation is great in the early days of a relationship when the thing is shacking you, however, when/if shit hits the fan be prepared for the heat that’s gonna come your way.
2. It’s also safe to avoid the whole DP/avatar advertisement of you and your new bf/gf cos who knows tomorrow? Nothing is permanent, except change *hint hint*
3. Old habits don’t necessarily die hard. History tells you a lot about the future.
4. Maturity is not by age neither is age a function of maturity (this just sounded cool, dunno what it means *shrug)
5. Fear people with English names. They have something they are hiding.
6. Karma is a rabid female dog, just like most of your partner’s friends. They all wanna and will bite.
7. See the signs you punk ass! See the mutha fucken signs. Youp Youp Youp Youp!!
8. Ugwu helps you trend worldwide. *pops collar*

So yeah, that relationship ended and life continued. Allow me say here that I’ve met my best friends presently via this Social network so I don’t agree with those who think genuine friendships cannot be fostered from twitter. That’s BULLSHEET! I have to mention names so you’ll know it’s real. These guys; Tokunbo @olatoxic, Victor @FreshPrinzVick, Femi @MallamSawyerr, Femi @Bule_jr, Wale @thetoolsman, Kola @Qurr, Dayo @MrOmidiran, Bankole @xoAfro, Terdoo @Terdoh, Wole @_thinkTank_ have become my ever reliable brothers. Asides the fact that we have writing as a common link, they have proven to be friends in every sense of the word.
My ladies Dania @Ms_Dania, Esse @TheFakeEsse, Coco @CeceNoStockings, Chichi @feline_eyes, Chinelo @Reine_la_glace, Deola @d3ola, bolouere @boluxxx, Ra @rhaihanah, Isioma, Lauryn, Busayo, Joke, Aidee Y’all made my 2011 rock. Relationships make the world go round. I must appreciate Nkey who linked me with Daily Times after reading my blog and got me a writing gig with them.

(PS: if I didn’t mention your name, be sure to write a comment about it. Thanks.)

Where was I? Oh yes! Many ask why I closed the last blog and opened another.

In the midst of my heartbreak (boo hoo sob sob 😥 ), nothing seemed to matter anymore, mehn shit got real like I couldn’t even piece my thots together. I also got tired of the expectations placed on me. People just wanted to come to “My Scroll, You Scroll’ to read funny stuff and at the time nothing in life was funny to me. The tag of having the funniest blog around also increased the weight so I decided to just throw in the towel. I thought I was fine but then, the things you love have a way of nudging at you. As the days passed, I felt I was doing myself a dis-service by not writing so I talked to my friends and decided to get back in the ‘game’. I felt like a new me was born *blow trumpet here* I could take on the world *blow more trumpets* I needed a new me, so I ditched the blog and ditched @kevinWithAnL too. And ladies, Gentlemen, Transvestites and bots, SIRKASTIQ was born *drum roll* I made some changes on blog content and writing style, trying as much as I could to keep Twitter off my new blog. (Let’s just say maturity set in. 😀 )

While we draw the curtains on the year, I won’t end this without saying here without any shame or whatever, that it has been God all the way. Even the things I hoped for which I didn’t get, the pain and hurt I felt at some points of the year, the days of being broker than stock fish (gerrit?), for everything and for the fact that I am still here, Lord I just want to say thank you.
I must also appreciate all of you guys who have become a driving force, a source of encouragement, an audience here at TSC. Thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing me a place on your phone or laptop screens. Thanks for enduring my crap on Twitter, you guys rock on so many levels.

Happy New Year from The Sirkastiq Center (TSC)

Here’s to a 2012 that brings us closer or to the realization of our goals, While we expect better, we can’t be ignorant of things like Boko Haram, GEJ, DPJ, Power supply, Subsidy *sigh*™ Lets put all these in prayer as we go through our year. And may God who is faithful and merciful grant us and ours a 2012 worth remembering for good reasons and not because it may be the end of the world…shit. i digress…

Not for Guys!!!

*Runs into TSC. Shit! Shit! Shit! All these enemies that don’t want me to post today, FIRE!!!!* Sorry o people, I had a mad day and night yesterday (what kinda grammar is that?), I’d almost forgotten to post this.. Ah well, ladies you know I told you I love you? Yes? Let me prove it..

Here are some tips from my favorite,funny in a dry kinda way, big nosed…

@TheFakeEsse grabs mic…

O_O

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No need for fancy salutations and all. Let’s cut to the chase. I’m not
going to speak big words, and lacquer my post over with so much puns
that you actually forget I’m supposed to be passing across a message.
(Side eye at a person whose name I will not mention, but whose name is
Terdoh.) I’m here to impart wisdom that has been collated across many
years of research. Hopefully, there is a lesson here for every woman,
that will ensure that you get the kind of Christmas/New Year’s/
Valentine’s that you deserve.

It’s the holidays! And suddenly, your man is suddenly finding reasons to not call or show up for dates. In fact, you’ve been seeing the signs since mid-October. I’ll tell you what’s happening. He’s doing the Holiday Hightail: he’s running away cos his bitch ass is too stingy to be excited about spending money on you for the holidays. Don’t worry. We know him. He’s the perfect btyfriend till October 15th, then suddenly, his phone doesn’t work, he’s falling sick, his cat ate his parrot, he doesn’t like your ofe egusi anymore, yada yada
fucking yada. Well, be calm. After extensive research, I have come up with a few methods that will help in making the season a little brighter.

Now these methods are not fail safe. Some will fail on certain men. Some will not work for certain women. But at the end, I
will give you a tip that cuts across all men and women.
Now, first of all, if you don’t have a man, well, your chances of getting one are considerably slimmer during the festive season. So, my advice would be to start laying the groundwork early. Not too early,
like in February or March, (it might be over before Christmas) and not too late like in November or December (I don’t need to tell you what would happen.) Now, a good time to begin your… groundwork would be
between April – June. It’s the summer, everyone is happy and gay (the
kind of gay we knew in 1999, not gay, as we know it today.)
It’s a good time to meet someone. I don’t need to tell you how to go about catching your fish. You know what to do. Just make sure you’ve hit 4th or 3rd base by September.

Now, to those of you that do have men, first of all you must realize that if you are not proactive, Christmas will come and go, and the best you and your man will end up doing is kpoxing like rabbits. So, that’s tip number 1: Be proactive. Forget all that, “Honey, look
Rhythm Unplugged on TV bla bla.” Take matters into your hands! Don’t
be waiting to be surprised. Nne, the only way that will happen is if your man is one of those rare types that actually enjoy spoiling theirwomen. Or if you have a good baba. Or he’s just a natural dosgbe. Either way, don’t be sleeping o! Make the Christmas plans BY YOURSELF.

If you are living in a country that operates on credit, even better for you. Make all the plans, buy the gifts (including his own gifts)
and pay for everything with his credit card. However you do it, don’t wait for that mountain to come to Mohammed o! Because that mountain IS content with just playing FIFA 12 for Christmas.
Do not let him out of your sight. That’s number 2. Now, I don’t mean
you should be tailing him like fly on shit. But this is the cyber age. I’m sure you have more than your man’s cell phone number or BBM pin. Do not lose contact with your man. Know his plans. Because if you
don’t, the next thing, oga will tell you he is in the village for burial of their Christmas chicken (or whatever.) And then the only
gift you will get for Christmas is… well, I got nothing. You will get NOTHING. Know what that dude is doing. Skype his ass every afternoon. Send him kisses in the night and make sure he returns them.
Tail his ass!

That will be all.

Now, not all guys are not dumb (contrary to popular opinion.) Even the dumbest ones, will most likely know a few Holiday Hightail tricks. And most of these tricks (check yesterday’s post here) are just an attempt at playing on your intelligence. They’re not always effective. For example, do not be swayed by pictures of other chicks on his phone. This is where number 3 comes in. Endure. Your average man is going to try at least 3 Holiday Hightail tricks before giving in (or if he’s a coward, running away.) If you see a hot girl’s picture on his phone, compliment the picture. Act a bit jealous at first, but then ogle the babe’s boobs with him. Don’t be vexing because you saw another chick’s
picture. You sef, put a fine boy’s picture on your phone and show him. Two can definitely play that game. Besides, guys like it when they can check out other babes with their main babes. So, manage, ehn? He will give up soon.

Do not pick a fight. Be on your best behaviour. Love him very well. Give him reasons to think about taking you to his parents (not that you want that. Or do you?) Cook, clean, let him play PS *whatever number is out now* with his friends. Serve them snacks sef. BE VERY
NICE. OK? Remember how Jesus had to endure hardship so that we could
be saved? Any time you want to give up and slap him into next week,
remember Jesus. Your man will probably try to pick a fight if he read
Terdoh’s post. Do. Not. Go. There.

Now, this is tricky ground. You
don’t want to have a full blown argument where someone walks out. And you don’t want to be begging until he says, “You know what? It’s over.” You must be very tactful, dear friend. Subtly feed his ego,
ensure he wins all arguments, or at least ensure he thinks he’s won the argument.

Now, if you still have hopes of getting a man for Christmas/ New year’s, far be it from me to dash your dreams. But there is no guarantee. There are no hard and fast rules for this one. Time is short. It’s a dog eat dog world and the men are dinner. Be very bold. Come on! Subtlety won’t work, you have just a few hours. Smile very
brightly. Make yourself difficult to resist. Rub up against him sef. There is no time for coy virgin bride. Take him to a nice bar, then tell him about the nice restaurant/ mall across the street. Of course,
at the end of the night, you will pay. In Vagina currency. But at least, he’ll have bought you your Christmas gift. And who knows, you might end up in front of an altar (doing what exactly, I do not know.)

Now, for side chicks… I love side chicks. They’re free and available and still have a steady kpanshing partner. Your own is very simple. If he does not want to buy you a gift, pay his main chick a visit. At
least, threaten to. Your Christmas na im sure pass for where all of us dey sef.

Now, these tips will not always work. There will be a few exceptions. But you have to stay strong, sister!!! Do not back down. Be a step ahead of him. Anticipate his next move and make sure you do not allow
any thing (or person) come between you and your Christmas jollification! And if all these tips fail, I have one that works for
everybody…

Steal his wallet, expensive phone, etc sell it and give yourself theholidays you deserve.

Have a wonderful Christmas with plenty gifts, ladies!!!
From ALL of us at TSC. 😀

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Coming soon: My end of year post…for the inside scoops and all you’ve desired to know.. Tell somebody 😀

Not For Ladies!!!

Here’s the season to be jolly, la la la la la, lala, lala…
Ho Ho Ho (that’s you, you and you). Welcome to TSC. Today, we’ll be having a special feature. I did this post some weeks ago for Daily Times but I figured it should come up here, so I sent it to Olatoxic’s girlfriend Terdoh for some touch ups and craze injection…

There shall be a counter on this post tomorrow so err..you might wanna look out for that.

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Hey there mortals…

First of all, I don’t like the intro Saks gave me. Yeah, I call him Saks, he’s nuts. So lemme just set the record straight.

If I’m guest writing on your blog, and you’re male, you are to introduce me as;

The Awesome awesomer of Awesome awe. Awesomely awesoming in awesomeness. The Awesome Terdoh. After which I step out into the blog with stripper glitter falling on both sides.

And if you’re female, you’re to introduce me as:

His Royal Highness, dripping with charisma and swegg, sporting an extremely large penis, The Well Equipped Terdoh. After which I step into the blog with stripper glitter…

You get the picture.

I HEAR??? Good.

Let’s get this post started.

Its Christmas!!!! And the spirit of Christmas (no Dry Gin) is in the air, (in some parts of the world sha) and is going around possessing innocent people and making them happy and all that gay shit. Now, this post is not for the single or married. If you’re single, congratulations on your “Forever alone” badge. *high fives myself*, and If you’ve tied that knot, just carry your Okada Power bike and leave. Thanks.

As we at TSC are biased towards the males, this post is for men. Males come first (as usual), so the females can skip this shit and come back in 10 minutes. Go watch Ε! Or some tutorial on how not to cry when your toenail breaks. Give the dudes some alone time. No homo.

Now that the girls are gone, have you heard of the BUT?

No?

See why you need us?

The Break Up Terminal

It is written somewhere in the bro code that every year, a time slot is allotted to men in which they are expected to disengage from their girlfriends, babes, shawties, ho ho hos, etc, to enable themselves save up for expenses that would otherwise have been incurred if they were still with their respective partners.

This terminal is from the 15th of October to the 20th of December. Giving you enough time to plan the severing of ties without leaving any clues on the real reason behind the break up.

If all that gay stuff (like feelings) don’t get in the way, and you are successful, and you got your game on right, you are given an MUT (Make Up Time slot) by the Bro Code Association to make up with your girlfriend. Although, we don’t know why you would do that. So many chicks… Anyway, this slot begins on the 2nd of March and ends on the 31st of that month.

See? We saved you christmas, New Year, and gaddemn Valentine’s Day. Aren’t we considerate and shit?

If you’re lucky, her birthday falls in January.

Now, if you’re single, or you’re a bitch nigga that didn’t take advantage of the BUT, have faith ma nigga. We’ve got some tips for you to stay alive, dear Bitch Nigga.

Here are a few…

Rule Numero Uno

Thou shall keep thine playing ways, and thine game-plans to thyself.

If you’re thinking of getting a chick, or a side chick, yeah bro. Don’t. People are trying to get out and you want to get in? What do you think this is? Noah’s Ark? Do not, for any reason, get a girlfriend during this period. We are not liable for any mistakes made. We will tell you that we told you so…bitch nigga.

Rule Numero Deux

Thou shall not, for any reason start conversations with women (who are not your mothers). Even your blood sisters and Sisters-in-the-Lord should be tactfully avoided. Flee from all appearances of feminity. We don’t care if they are your friend’s-really-hot-sister-who-is-suddenly-crushing-on-you. Stay away. You were warned.

Broke chicks be suddenly picking interest in your previously uninteresting ass. It’s a Christmas trap. Flee niccuh. Flee.

Rule Numero Trois

Thou shall not make up with ex-girlfriends. Avoid their calls because its at this season that they stumble across your number “all of a sudden”. Ignore pleas from their best friends, Pastors, Imams; threats from brothers, cousins; appeals from parents, especially their mums. Mothers be gangsta during this period, aware of the indirect benefits they stand to gain from your unsuspecting Christmas ass. You better find a Christmas number and keep your wallet safe.

I hope you are writing, bitch niccuh

Rule Numero Quatro

Thou shall avoid public places of meeting. Listen close, we’re about to save your wallet and in essence, your life.

Squeeze that face when going to the following places: Cinemas, Shopping malls, Unilag, Banks and/or ATM spots, Redeemer’s University, Departmental Stores, Boutiques, Covenant University, Babcock University, Madonna University, LASU, Restaurants…

You get the point.

Avoid these places at this season. But if you must visit them, please LOCK UP! Keep that straight face.

Thou shall survive.

Oh. You have a girlfriend already? Ok lets see what can work for you…

Rule Number Five (We got tired of the ‘French’)

Thou shall complain about EVERYTHING. Some “you-fried-the-wrong-egg-and-boiled-the-wrong-egg” stuff. Thou shall ensure that your ‘other half’ understands the situation at hand. Complain about bad roads, price of movie tickets, recharge cards, Tonto Dikeh’s acting, the New Gala wrapper, Ice Prince, Lekki hold up (even if you live in Ikorodu), #TheBirdies, School fees, fuel subsidy (even if you’re a wheelbarrow pusher), mosquitoes, NEPA, Dame’s English, Agege bread… Everything. She must vex o.

Of course, this is not the time to take wifey to the cinema to watch a romantic movie. You know how people are always walking up to couples in the cinema, going “Excuse me, I want to draw you”, or “Olamide is doing his album launch”. Avoid that bullshit. This is also not the time for Rhythm Unplugged. Remember that the main priority is your wallet. Love doesn’t pay the January phone bill.

Make her vex.

If she doesn’t then, we have to bring out the big guns…we call it “The Gangsta straw”

Leave your phone lying around unlocked, with pictures of other girls… The cat in her will be killed by curiosity and she will fall for it. She will see it and voila! Quarrel starts!!! Or better still, get a friend of yours, a girl, who understands the situation, to just be conveniently ‘lying around’ in your bed when you know your girl is coming over. Of course, when she asks “Who is this” like all dumb chicks will, tell her she’s just a friend. (Which is true). She’ll storm out angry and the wallet has been salvaged.

We’re welcome.

Follow these tips, and you will find yourself with probably the best Christmas/New Year ever.

We would like to wish you “Happy Holidays” soul brothers. Here’s to hoping you spend the holiday guilt free, and whole-heartedly enjoying every bit of the money you worked for.

Your’s Faithfully.
Broke Fi Broke Dept.
Terdoh Inc

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Ladies, hold up! I love you. I swear. Trust me. Emmm…you’ll wanna drop by tomorrow. Give me this chance to prove it…
See ya!

PresSpeaks

*rushes into TSC* Dear readers and members of the TSC community, ‘Sup fam? We have to interrupt your regular programming or whatever/whoever it is you were doing to bring you this important media chat. Well, its not really a media chat ‘cos I was the only one present and…oh fuck it. You know the drill…

My fellow Nigerians.

I have received and read most of the letters you have sent or written in the national dailies. You people have time o! Do you know how many of such letters i receive daily? Don’t you guys have jobs or something like that to do? What? No jobs?  Abegabegabeg…is it not your mates that go for reality shows? There are many, go and join…Maybe if you stop writing letters, i would actually have time to do other important things like play squash as former presidents before me did.. What’s that you ask? Why I’m the one reading the letters? Who wants to read it, Patience? LMAO!!! Goodluck with that o.

Well, anyway as a result of the love i have for the citizenry of this our great nation, I have decided to reply some of the common issues raised in your letters. *wears glasses*

Before I proceed however, i bring greetings from my dear wife; the first lady of the Federal republic. She would have loved to be here but we sent her to ‘speak’ to some kids. *mutters* Father forgive us for we sin. *sigh*™ Those kids are gon’ be scarred for life. You people have to really be patient with her, we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect. Now to the issues…

A major content of all your letters is the issue of power. A lot of you keep asking for constant power supply. Raising important points like how this will drive the economy, improve the productivity of small and medium scale businesses and even reduce the risk of environmental pollution caused by smoking generators. I am well aware of all these. However i have one question for you.  Have you paid your bills? You’re here writing all this English yet the truth is that majority of you are owing PHCN bills. Some of you do not even have meters, another set successfully connect power lines to their homes illegally. Tell me my fellow Nigerians, if you cannot pay your monthly bills with the epileptic power supply we have now, how will you pay it when supply becomes constant?

Reports reaching me indicate that you have even brilliantly learnt how to bypass the prepaid meters that were introduced. Look, until you all pay your outstanding bills, let’s leave the issue of constant power. Be content with the one you have, if its not enough, buy a generator. I would see how i can negotiate with Mikano and Tiger to bring down the prices so that they are more affordable.

Job and wealth creation

This brings me to the next two issues: Minimum wage and Fuel Subsidy. I know a lot of you will say that if you were earning a good salary, you would have money to pay for things like your PHCN bills. Is it my fault that you’re not getting a good salary? Where were you when your mates were attending classes in the university? Oh, you were attending parties. Where were you when they were reading their books and making first class grades? You were watching premiership and drinking beer. Don’t blame me for your salary o! The country is hard. Its not my fault at all. I’m just trying not to make it worse. Look when i was in your shoes, sorry i had no shoes. In those days when i was in school, i came first always. That’s why i’m here. Do you think i got here by luck or chance? Mtscheeew.

On the issue of fuel subsidy, look i don’t really understand the matter yet, i’m still seeking expert advice on it. Dangote was here yesterday and we discussed it briefly over a plate of spaghetti. Have you tasted Dangote spaghetti?

That’s some really good stuff we should be proud of. Infact, after the lunch, i felt honoured to be a Nigerian. Dangy tells me he’s working on joining the telecoms business, I think its a welcome development. I mean we need someone to ‘cement’ our local hold on the industry and I think he’s the ‘sugar’ we need to sweeten the emmm…the…whatever.

Well sha, there’s no going back on the subsidy issue. What you don’t know is that I’m subtly helping to reduce the ‘oppression’ we face in this country. See, the man with 5 cars will be forced to sell 3 ‘cos it’ll be hard to cope. Like China, many will get bicycles (this will reduce traffic) My people, seeth not thou the benefits? You need to see the big picture o. It will be easy to toast as girls will no longer be tripped by the car you drive but by the colour of your bicycle. Anyway, you’ll appreciate all this soon.

I also see that a lot is being said about the recently passed bill on gay marriages.

No Homo son

This one is a long thing sha. I have also heard, seen and read the public opinion on the matter. I didn’t know we had so many coded gay people in this country, it makes me think that the award for “happiest people on earth” might actually be a synonym for ‘gay.’ But why is it paining you people? Me i thought we would welcome the bill with arms wide open. If it was charly boy and denrele complaining now, i would understand. (don’t quote me pls) Anyway, you can complain from now till kingdom come, it has been done; y’all need to sit all the way down and suck it up. NotSexual.

Of course, the threat of Boko Haram is a major talking point in your letters. My fellow Nigerians, isn’t it amazing that the majority of you mouthing up and down are in the south and east? You sit in the comfort of your homes and be shouting “what is he doing about Boko Haram?”

we are negotiating...

Shey it is because they are far from you abi? Come to Abuja and be talking so i’ll know its real. I think you guys must think i’m one gangster that can handle such drama, please i love my family and i love my life. Mii r’aye gbogbo nnkan Jack bauer nyen o! Let the boko people be where they are, let me be where i am. Why would i see fire and go and put my hand inside? See, “everyday for the thief. One day for the owner” see what happened to Osama..lets be patient, one day bush meat will catch the hunter. Wait o! Wrong quote. Warreva mehn.

There are other issues, we shall handle some other time. Let me be honest with you, you people were disturbing me too much, i needed to create a distraction. Give you something to talk about. So i came up with the National awards, the new license plates, the Wildlife bill. I know i’m smart like that. When the hype dies down, we can move on with important issues like whether i’m getting my 7 year tenure or not.

My fellow Nigerians, don’t worry about me, i am fine. You should also stop wondering whether i know what i’m doing. I do. As long as its not yet my 3rd year in office, there is still enough time to get things done. Please stop with the letters and focus on your job let me focus on mine. Thanks for your co-operation. Long live the Federal Republic of Nigeria and Goodluck to us all.
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#Sidebar: That’s how Mr President did not talk about how to curb the menace of Vic O and Speed Darlington. This is how civil wars start o..
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PS: there’s still $1000 to be won on TNC. Enter for “The Writer” competition to win. Visit http://www.thenakedconvos.com for details…and oh! Hope you’ve RSVP’ed for TNC3 holding on the 27th of December. See you there…I think… #AsYouWere

OuterViews VI

I wanted to write an intro here but I couldn’t think of anything funny enough so I’m just gonna skip the intro and allow y’all read the post.

By @JussBasco

Welcome to the TSC studios once again, it’s a lovely day but for some “unknown” reason(s) the atmosphere in here seems to be down caste.

I am Basco; your host for today and I’m glad to finally get a chance to work with humans; let’s hope this goes well.

Anyways without wasting money(what y’all refer to as time)let’s invite our guest to the stage *round of applause*. *spotlight aims way too high from the side* Mr. Osita ihemen a.k.a. “Paw-Paw”

Paw-Paw: *Thick igbo accent* thank you vely much Mr.Basco, I’m vely pleased to be here before you and all my fans.

Basco: hmmmm, I see. So let’s get this show on the road, shall we? Please describe yourself briefly.

Paw-Paw: what? Are you trying to be funny? Do you know how often people tell smart jokes about my height? You,my friend are vely stale.

Basco: I’m sorry, what? What are you on about? Please don’t try me as I have a very short temper. Just answer my question and save us all this short-lived drama.

Paw-Paw: I see you’re still telling “short” jokes abi? *snaps fingers* we’ll see after this recording. To my fans, to describe myself in few words; I am a vely simple person with a vely simple taste of fashion and I am also God-fearing. Wait, I am also vely talented not only in acting but like my co-actors I also sing and I have started directing too and… *goes on and on for minutes*

Basco: Wow, so much for few words. Let’s try asking questions that won’t waste our money on this show. What’s your favourite brand of bicycles, cars rather.

Paw-Paw: well I like BMW

Basco: BMX is a good brand, I rode them well as a kid.

Paw-Paw: I said “B-M-Doblee you!” Are you deaf?

Basco: oh, my Bad. I thought you were kidding and so you know we marsians don’t have such a thing called “deafness”. So I take it that you have a chauffeur, true?

Paw-Paw: Ogini? What is that? Me I don’t have o. I don’t –

Basco: Easy, I meant “driver”

Paw-Paw: oh, na why you come dey speak in tongues? Well no we don’t have-

Basco: I’m sorry “we”?

Paw-Paw: Yes na, me and chinedu, “aki”. We share a car and take turns in handling the steer-ling; one laps the other and handles the pedals while the other turns the steer-ling.

Basco: I see. So which is your favorite? The steering or the pedaling?

Paw-Paw: The steer-ling o, pedaling gives me muscle pull every time because those pedals are too far down abeg.

Basco: ehya, I know how you feel… That shit brings primary school memories. And that’s not a short joke, that was a long time ago.

Paw-Paw: do you have a ploblem with people like me?

Basco: I’ll never understand you humans, I am the one asking the questions here, and what do you mean by people like you? My temper is getting a height reduction.

Paw-Paw: you see?! You see?!! You just did it again, saka will never tleat my kind this way- My people will never tleat my kind this way. Please go back to your people.

Basco: I hope you all are seeing who started the segregation. Saka, you’re seeing it all. Anyways without wasting anymore money, let’s invite another guest from the same “industry” to the stage… *spotlight aims at balls* Mr. Chidi Mokeme

Chidi: *igbo-Jand accent* bless you brof. I’m absolutely and entirely delighted to be on this prestigious show. *streches hand forward for a handshake*

Basco: *dogdes handshake and shifts on chair* I’m sorry, I’m germ conscious, but nice to have you on here too. It’s been a looong time since we last heard from you *smirks at paw paw*. So what have you been up to?

Chidi: well, I’ve been putting my entrepreneurial skills to play and it’s been working wonders for me. I’m also working on my albu-

Basco: hold up. Did you say entrepreneurial? Are we missing something? The last time I checked I was told that you sold dildoes and was doing a “high-class” woman. Could that be what you were just referring to now?

Chidi: *failed attempt at a straight face* I really don’t know what you’re talking about, I can sue you for defamation you know?… Saka and his crew won’t recover from this..

Basco: Brof, permit me to call you that. Please don’t see it as a low blow *smirks again* it was a simple question and I’m sure our viewers have gotten their answers now.

Paw-Paw: abeg, wetin be “di-li-do”? I will be vely much interested in selling too, I go like buy your kind outfit sef.

Chidi: Osi, it’s “Dildo” and it’s an artificial male sex organ that comes in different colours and sizes; same shape though.

Paw-Paw: Tufia! Ogini? Ritual money? I no do… Why will you be cutting people’s manhood? Chidi!!! Why?!!! *unconsciously protects crotch*

Basco: paw paw… Didn’t you hear “artificial”? It’s man made man hood. And Chidi, you should get off your high horse and explain better to those with little knowledge you know?

Paw-Paw: okaaay!!… I don know am now, those things wey them dey *censored*

Basco: Yes, those. *smirks* so chidi, there was a time you were the host of that reality show “G****r Ultimate search” what happened? Why were you dropped?

Chidi: dropped? *Ghen Ghen laughter*…I refused the offer for the next season; flor- I mean, my business was paying way better than that show.

Basco: hmmmn, what did you call that term again? Defamation right? *nods*… Seen

Chidi: I,.. I,I… I. *fakes cough*… I need water please.

Paw-Paw: solly, solly…

Basco: well, Paw-Paw, what do you have to say to the viewers as we’re signing out very soon.

Paw-Paw: viewers, let me tell you people something now, I was very under-rated because of a certain mal-function in my body, but that dissapointment was turned around for positive thing. People, the only limitations are the ones you want to see… Don’t ever feel limited.

Basco: Hmmmn, deep. Chidi, you?… Anything at all?

Chidi: well, as you can see I didint wait around to get “jobs” or “appointments”. I created jobs for myself and others… So people, dig deep for where your passion lies and capitalize on it. You don’t have to be an employee, try being the employer, thank you.

Basco: Well folks, you’ve heard it all. Though we had high and low moments on this show, it’s has come to an end, we should really clap for the words of wisdom from our nollywood stars.
*Standing ovation, round of applause*

viewers, listeners or readers, thank you all for your money and please watch this space for another money wasting outterview soon from the TSC crew. I also apologise on behalf of the dude handling the spotlight for giving paw-paw’s spotlight to Chidi and vice versa.
From we at TSC it’s Bye and God Bless. *unclips mic*
Ehen, paw paw what were you saying was gonna happen after the show?

Paw Paw: what else now? I’ll leave the studio na *jumps off stool and runs*

Basco: Earthlings are just pussies- wait, I hope that’s not on tape? *shrugs* I’m above human law and won’t apologise to short humans for this. Bye.

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IMPORTANT INFO
Hey people, so I’m doing an “All I want for Christmas”post coming up next week. Here’s your chance to put that Christmas list out there using TSC as your medium. You get to mention what you want/desire for Christmas and if brave enough, mention who you want it from. Now your Bf, Gf, admirers etc can’t form “I didn’t know what you’d want”
Send your entry (not more than 50 words) to mrkelvinis@gmail.com before wednesday 14th Dec to feature in the post.
NB: Twitter handles would be used..Gracias.

YimU

“Are you not going to ask me to send you my picture?”
Me: “Of course. I just didn’t want to be forward. Please send me one. A sexy one *winks* 😉
“Ok. Coming right up 😀 ”

*picture sent*

This is a rant. No seriously, it is.

i have had enough of this shit, i can literally not stand it anymore. i’m pissed. I shall speak today or forever hold my piss so yes I’m taking a piss. Ladies, i love you and i know you love me more but why? (-̩̩̩⌣́_⌣̀-̩̩̩) Turn to your neighbor and ask why?

STOP EEEEETTTTT!!!!!

I do not even intend to say much on this ‘cos a lot has been said already. Pouting. Its everywhere you go. Tell a lady to send you a picture and even before it gets to you, you can already imagine the way her lips would look. I’m sorry ladies but i judge you if you pout. Like why pucker up those lips? Do you so desperately crave some lip locking? na so the thing dey hungry you? As i type this, i’m trying to decipher if there is some secret power that comes with this mouth deformation procedure.

For the sake of the innocent ones, i shall attempt to define this condition.

Pout (verb) –  1. a facial expression with your lips, indicating dissatisfaction or sulking. Often describing what girls do when being photographed.

2.  Shortened name of various fishes such as the hornpout (Ameiurus nebulosus, the brown bullhead), the pouting (Trisopterus luscus).

Look Ladies, its your ROLE MODEL!!!

See that? Fish! FISH! EJA!!! You girls are imitating fish? That’s just deep yo.

As if it’s not bad enough that our females now want to be rubbing shoulders with their aquatic counterparts, some don’t even do it well. The struggle is real. You have deep set cheekbones and you’re pouting for Africa? Babe you look like a skeleton getting head. *shudders* and why do you have to take these pictures in your bathroom or toilet? Oh wait! Water; Your role model’s habitat. I se(a)

I mean, is there some competition I’m not aware of? like “Pout or die trying”,”so you think you can pout?” or “Nigerian Pouter?” Really though, i’ve sat myself down to ask some deep questions. “How do they feel?” “Is this some kind of ‘i’m a bawse’ look?” “Who the hell started this?” “Why did it become so popular all of a sudden?” and “when will it enddddd?”
Go online, enlarge Twitter avatars. Facebook profile pictures. If you’re not being entertained by some boobs, you are most probably staring at a chic confused as to whether she’s sulking or sucking.

it aint right!!

The male folk are not exempted from this natural disaster, these ones deserve the hottest part of sheol for their atrocity. Its hard wrapping my head around why a woman would want to imitate a fish and then on comes a full grown man with balls and a beard doing same? No son. You should be shot dead, taken to some synagogue, resurrected, flogged 21, then shot again and finally buried at sea (oh look, with your kind!)

D I E nigga D I E!!!

We do know that there are exceptions to all these things sha. Allow me say here that if you look anything like Angelina Jolie then and ONLY then would you be permitted to pout. I don’t care whether you are Ibadan’s version of Tiwa Savage or Taraba’s own Muna. If you are NOT Angelina, then Yi-to-tha-fucking-Mu.

The perfect Pout

To make it a happier world, i went through the trouble of getting a “how to pout for dummies” link. see if you can make sense of this, check out the website and apply the lessons to your already sad life.

how to do it?

Ok. Rant over. I’m done. And to the chic that sent me the picture that stimulated this post, Thanks a lot. Please don’t come and question me on BBM. I still have the picture and I won’t hesitate to use it here 😀 muhahahaha!!!
#Okbye.

No EXcuseS

“You may not be able to change your past but your future has no right to take you by surprise”

I’m not really much of a story teller but i’m gonna share this anyway.

The UME results had just been released and like thousands of others, Mark had hurried to the notice board to see if his name was on it. In those days, admission lists were placed on the school’s board and not online as we have today. “YES!” he screamed, as he found his name on the list. His joy was however shortlived as he traced it to…

Oh! Bummer… I’m not one for story telling so i’m just gonna summarise this best i can.

So there was this guy named Mark who got admitted to study Industrial Maths at Uniben. Like most of us, he applied for Engineering but the school ‘gave him’ Industrial maths. Have you ever complained about your course of study? You have, yeah? Notice that you were ‘OFFERED’ admission? Which means you could have declined. Yes? Moving on…So Mark gets into school and adapts nicely. Allow me say here that Mark was quite the intelligent fellow, just got back from the UK where he had his primary and part of his secondary education.
Dude was also blessed with looks that could make the Grinch green with envy (very few people will get this). As a result, the ladies jostled for a piece of his heart, wallet or whatever they could take.
As days turned to months and months to semesters and sessions, Mark observed that his grades were not matching the standard of his brain. You know how you see some grades and you know that even if you were blind, deaf, dumb and stupid, you still wouldn’t make those scores? Well yeah. This was 300 level and Mark was scoring fantastic marks like 4/100, 12/100 (applause anyone?)

He was listed among the students on probation and thus repeated the year. Homie decided to dig deep and unearth the mystery behind the scores while wondering what went wrong. Apparently, it turned out he was ‘liking’ some chic a lecturer had his eyes on and oga lecturer was ready to make his life a living hell. If you are familiar with the Math dept of UNIBEN, you’ll know its tagged the most corrupt dept. Long story short though, in his semi-final year, Mark was ADVISED TO WITHDRAW. His years in uniben (5 yrs.4 + ASUU Strike) were over.

Out of school no degree, nothing to show, Mark returns home and rather than scold him, his folks seek a way forward. He just had to write Jamb again. His younger Sister had just finished school while his younger bro was in his first year in the university. Everyone seemed to be progressing while Mark was, well…retrogressing. Mark was stubborn though, he couldn’t picture himself starting all over again. He decided to go job hunting. Funny ba? I know..lol. Time was passing and no job, no nothing. His sis had completed her NYSC and was employed by a bank. Mark’s days constituted of washing his parent’s cars and keeping the house tidy. Some job you would say huh? It wasn’t long before frustration set in and Mark began to engage in vices.
He tried smoking cigarettes and “illegal substances” but quickly realised he was allergic to smoke.
He tried drinking and soon discovered that he had a sweet tooth and most alcoholic beverages taste bitter.
Finally, he tried women and realised that that was a capital intensive project and since he lacked capital, it wasn’t gonna be sustainable so he ended it.

One fine day, Mark’s younger sister visits the house with her brand new car and mark was asked to “pray for it” Mark prayed for his sister with all the love his aching heart could muster and wished her well. When it was over, he begged to be excused, walked to his bedroom, locked the door, lay down on the floor and begun to cry. The days became harder as Mark was now saddled with the extra responsibility of washing his sister’s car whenever she came home for the weekends. She would give him some pocket money when she was leaving, 5k. Then it started to drop 3k..2k…1k…No k.

Six years after writing the UME exam for the first time, Mark sat to write it again aged 26. Little wonder when the results were out, he’d scored 247. He was admitted to study Business Admin at Madonna University. Let me skip the entire gist and tell you that after 7 months at Alcatraz, Sorry Madonna, Mark packed up his things and left. A school for kids with all those rules, baby cultists and small girls asking him to be their boyfriend was definitely not his lot. You might be expecting me to tell you how Mark went to some church, held up cardboard paper and his life did a 360 pretty swiftly but nah..no such tale here.

After dropping out of school for the second time (this time his choice) Mark’s folks left him to himself. He applied for and got a job at his church as his Pastor’s PA. You know how they say when all else fails run to God? Yeah.. after a while , Mark met a man that would change the course of his life.

That man’s name was Fela. Not the musician you nitwits. Fela Durotoye.

“if a window of opportunity presents itself, don’t pull down the shade”

With God’s leading, FD ‘sensed’ they had a stuff to do together and Mark joined his company. His folks couldn’t understand it ‘cos he wasn’t even going to get paid. Years on, no degrees and shii, taking the opportunities that came his way, Mark rose to become the Head of Consulting of the company. Today, aged 32 he is the CEO of his own. All this happened just 6 years ago.
Cool story, yes? Thank you. Thank you.

True story too. All the characters are real.

Mark is my brother SteveHARRIS and this; all this is to invite you to his conference “NO EXCUSES” where he will be sharing some important points on how you can also turn your disability to ability.
Hey! Fear not, its not that motivational mumbo jumbo, “fire your desire to acquire you perspire” type stuff. Its real stuff right here. Also featuring and sharing are Victor ‘Sanchez’ Aghahowa (yup! That homie that wrote “The Bachelors, writes for Tinsel and sang Pick it up”) and Omalicha (of Rhythm 93.7).

So its NO EXCUSES: Saturday Dec 10th @ Grand Villa Hotel. Shonibare Estate. Maryland. Lagos. 10am. Gate fee: N1000. Tickets available at the venue. See you there!

“its not what you have that limits you, its what you have but don’t know how to use”