OuterViews II

Good day Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the first sequel of the Outerviews. I am Terdoh BenFranklin, standing in for Sirkastiq. Saka stepped on many toes last week, causing the Prof to dabaru his career, so he couldn’t make it today. We are currently saving money to buy cardboard so we can tender his problem for a solution to be proferred.
Nonetheless, the show must go on. So today, we have in the house, the one and only Col. Muammar al-Quaddafi.

*face pops up on skype screen*

*crowd gasps*

Quaddafi: Who are all these people? I thought this was supposed to be a sex chat room. This was not the plan. You are a man of your word Kelvin. I’m disappointed.

Terdoh: Kelvin is not here sir. He is backstage tendering to his enlarged phallus. Sir Gaddafi, Can you kindly tell us where you are presently?

Quaddafi: What did you call me?

Terdoh: Sir Gaddafi sir…

Quaddafi: That’s not my name. Walahi what is this?? First there are no male virgin strippers, and now they can’t get my name?

Terdoh: Could you help us out with the spelling sir?

Quaddafi: C-O-L. Q-A-D-D-A-P-I. Col. Guaddafi.

Terdoh: o_O What tribe are you from?

Quaddafi: I’m hausa ko. Hagane.

Terdoh: Wait. You’re not even Libyan?

Quaddafi: No. But the plastic surgeon did a good job making me look Michael Jacksoney. We thank Allah.

Terdoh: Sir, you didn’t answer my question.

Quaddafi: Which is?

Terdoh: Where are you reaching us from?

Quaddafi: Oh! Hawaii, damburoba.

Terdoh: Is that what they call that compartment in hell?

Quaddafi: Hell? Toh, so you think I’m dead?

Terdoh: We saw a video sir.

Quaddafi: With the bitch mallam saying “Don’t shoot me”? That wasn’t me. That was that guy from the Sawaleh post. What’s his name again? 46? Yes. The same one.

*Gaddafi’s phone rings* *Ringtone is track 3 of Wizkid’s superstar album*

Terdoh: Sir, with all undue respect, is that “Scatter the floor”?

Quaddafi: Yes. I believe it is. After I saw that video of ‘myself’ being pushed around on that desert floor, I thought it befitting.

*Gaddafi crooks his middle and index fingers at the word “myself”, and then answers call*

Quaddafi: Yes, where were we?

Terdoh: So you’re implying you’re not really dead?

Quaddafi: Dead? No. I am immortal. I saw the video though. Ha! “Don’t shoot”. Prime entertainment. Although, I’m a bit disappointed at the shooter. I paid that double good money, and I was going to be entertained watching ‘my’ proceedings in court.

*again with the finger-thing*

Terdoh: I see. Shall we move on to your family? I will start with your wife. How is she?

Quaddafi: You mean Fatima al-Nuri?

Terdoh: Isn’t it spelt “Fatiha”?

Quaddafi: Again, gross misunderstanding with the names. Anyway, I dumped her. She’s rich. She can fend for herself.

Terdoh: May I ask why?

Quaddafi: For one, she can pronounce the word “Akpu”. Never seen any hausa girl that can pronounce “Akpu”. She was cheating.

Terdoh: And your sons?

Quaddafi: I hope they’re getting pussy. I
sure would love some.

Terdoh: You don’t seem very concerned about their safety, considering your reputation.

Quaddafi: If the world can fall for the same trick that Michael Jackson has been doing with Tito for over 20 years, I don’t think they have a problem.

Oh, and I might add. I heard you people cracking jokes about my demise. Stupid shit like “Now that Gadaffi has been dragged out of the tunnel, I hope Libyans can see the light at the end of it”. There is no light to be seen, morrafukas! I, Col. Mohammed Gadapi…

Terdoh: Moammar sir…

Quaddafi: You will tell me my own name again?

*Bin Laden pops into the screen*

Quaddafi: This is my shot! Osama. Get your own laptop with skype.

*Bin Laden staggers away mumbling something about the virgins being recycled in Hawaii*

Quaddafi: Don’t mind him. Osama Bin Drinking. Where was I? Yes! I heard you people cracking stupid jokes about my death. I hope you know I’m following you on twitter. I will be back soon. I would have gotten my account verified, but that would mean going to that twitter office. I might as well turn myself in. Ko.

Terdoh: So what is your message to the people or the youths out there?

Quaddafi: You are being deceived. Kanye West is a fool. Obama is my guy. Bin Laden and I are still alive, and Idi Amin is gangsteh.

Idi Amin: *does Rick Ross grunt*

Terdoh: Striking resemblance. Thank you for the message. And thank you for honouring us with your pres… WHAT WAS THAT??

Quaddafi: There seems to have been an explosion here! I can’t really talk right now! I need to take my remaining 55 virgins and leave! I’ll be back!

*Terry G’s Knack You Apkako plays in the background as virgins run about in confusion in skype video*

*curtain falls*

OuterViews

Good evening Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys , Girls and Insects. Welcome to the first edition of your favourite programme ”OUTERVIEWS”

#sidenote: if you didn’t question the possibility of the above welcome, then something is ‘strong’ with you. How can it be the first edition, yet your favourite programme?

Here on OuterViews, we shall engage various personalities on issues and events as they affect our life and society. (you really believe this?) We shall attempt to bring to our readers the truth and inner scoop of happenings the world over. (While believing that y’all don’t listen to news, read newspapers or better yet, lounge on Twitter.)

Today we are going to be reviewing a very important aspect of our National Unity. A force so strong that it unites Nigerians of different backgrounds and ethnicities. From the South to the West, From the East to the North… A force stronger than the pimples on Jesse Jags face, A force deeper than the distance between Kris Humphries head and Kim Kardashian’s minuscule brain. Ladies and Gentlemen and readers behind the screens, today we shall be talking Soccer. More explicitly, we shall be talking about the Super Eagles.
With me in this magnificent imaginary studio are West Brom attacker and Eagles striker Peter Adaze Odemweenie and on my left Prof T.D Josiah.

You are welcome guys.

Adaze: “Thank you Sirkastiq, my pleasure”
Prof: “Emmanuel Emmanuel Emmanuel!”

We shall kick off with you Prof. It was revealed that the Lord showed you the fateful Nigeria-Guinea match. What exactly happened?

#sidebar: (Pls read Profs dialogue in typical Josiah-ish accent with special stress emphasis on capitalised words)

Prof: “Thank you Saka, *strokes beard* Like i SAID, i was sitting in the corner, puffing on my roll of gbana, then the Lord just enter, he was not wearing prada. Hohohoho.. you know they say is devil that wears prada…So, as the lord ENTER, i ask him what we gonna do tonight? he say he wants to…celeBRATE. i ask my woman to bring some holy water from sapele and we start to pop the THING. Then we sit down to play game on the PS3 that i seized from one member. ..we come and decide to play football. The lord say i’m a fowl so he choose Guinea, me i love my country so i choose NIGERIA. I say that we should play betting and set money. The lord say “he cannot serve two master” so we say that first to score go win. You know the lord now, sharply he score me and i shout “eli eli lama sabacth ani” (my lord, my lord, why haff you forsake me?) then the lord haff mercy on me a sinner and we play draw. Unfortunate for NIGERIA, whatever the lord seal on earth is seal in heaven. That is how i make my prophecy.

So your prophecy was based on a PS3 game? I’m getting you… Mr Adaze, what went wrong? You played like you had hot shit between your legs.

Adaze: Brother, i don’t understand warrapened men, you know, i feel like i was carrying wait. The pressure to perform was much you know, the stadium, the people in the area be shouting and screaming you know…
But you should be used to this by now afterall you play in the Premiership
Adaze: I know right? But its different o! And the prof’s prophecy gave most of us running stomach. We tried to rich him so that he can pray for us but no time and our confidence dropped.
Are you saying its the prof’s fault?
Prof: its not TODAY that i started to suffer persec…What’s that word again o jare? Let the confused albino be talking anyhow. Instead of him to accept that he does not know how to play the BALL and come for prayer. Look at Kanu..he’s 57 years and was still playing well. He came to me, i help HIM.

Adaze: You are a fake prof. I can not meet you. Look at what you did to yakubu.
Prof: Yakubu is a stingy morrafocka, i tell him to pay full money for world cup excellent performance, he pay 10%. So i dabaru his career.

Guys we are seeking a way forward for our football. We are not here to point fingers at each other.

Prof: the bible says that..wait i don’t know any quote off head and there’s no projector here…Anyway, the way forward is forward. The lord will visit me again this weekend, but he has told me sha, that for NIGERIA football to grow again, we haff to throw away all these omo ale jati jati confused children that call themself footballer. They think life is to be plaiting head, the head is now too tight and is causing blood to not flow to their brain. Darris why that Mikeal Obe will be dull.

Are you saying the solution to our problem lies in disbanding the team?
Prof: Saka, i am a man of the lord. I can solve the problem of the super eagle. We don’t even have team. We have a collection of rich morrafockas chasing felele up and down.
Sir you have used vulgarity on this show twice. Pls curtail your language sir.
Prof: EMMANUEL!!! Vulga-ri-what? I’m here speaking in tongues and you’re sat there call it vulgarities. Morrafocka is a tongue from the north part of the Americas. Googoon that shit jare. And yes shit is tongue too.
Adaze: Sirkastiq…dont listen to this man. *opens bible* luke 6:26 says “no man is an Island” so he cannot blame us for the performance. (Man in the audience screams #DEEP)
*Adaze, feeling fly quickly tweets statement, types íreland’, Mentions start buzzing* Sorry Sirkastiq, i have to go, i’m in a Twitter fight right now and this might get bloody…*storms out*

So Prof, the way forward?
Prof: Thank you, you see, me i like my country, i like im land and people, everything e dey for Nigeria..i’m a solution provider. I have helped plenty people and i am willing to offer my services to the super Eagle. If they cannot scatter the team, i have option number B

Sir, B is a letter not a number…
Prof: do you want me to turn you into a chicken by throwing a strand of my beard at you? So as i was SAYING, i have helped many people. The Eagle should come to me and i shall knack them akpako and solve the problem forever
“knack Akpako?!” Prof, you listen to Terry G?
Prof: Saka, you are a weist. Knack Akpako is Greek. It is a joining of two words ‘Nak’ and ‘Apocalypse’ To ‘nak’ is greek for “to destroy” and “apocalypse” is Greek for destruction. So it means to destroy destruction. I want to help the Eagle to destroy their destruction. You better stop dulling there and learn these tongues. Look at Wizkit. I taught him “iyeyeye” and shebi he haff blow? Look at D’piss , i taught him “wikwiwinononawikwinono” The rest is history. Let the eagle visit me, carry their cardboard paper stating their problem and i shall solve it shikena!

Thank you very much Prof for your time and honouring us with you presence.
Prof: Wait! I haff bag of Emmanuel rice here for the people. Let every body take away one one DeRica.
Thank you prof.

Well, Dear readers, you’ve read it all from the horses’ mouth..Our problems appear to be spiritual and the prof has proferred a solution (did you see that line? #classic) If you took anything you read here seriously, you need to read our TSC motto again. Till we come your way again, if we come your way again (because we can’t be bothered to come your way again), i remain for the Outerview crew…Sirkastiq.

*Knack you Akpako plays as Prof galala’s and rings bell*

Outerviews is a TSC production ©2011 and will be coming up weekly with ‘outerviews’ of special guests done by guest writers. If you have a hilarious outerview, do contact me on Twitter @Sirkastiq. (not like i care if you do/don’t)

ReBirth

THE NEXT BEST THING STARTS SCREENING IN 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 ,1…

This Blog is rated Not rated and contains scenes with Stupidity, Idiocy, Strong language, Strong language, have i said Strong language? Typos, Gbagauns, misuse of the words been/being, Nudity might come up once in a while but i can’t guarantee it. Sarcasm, wit (dry and wet), Attempts at humor and more Sarcasm. Reader discretion is hereby advised.

Please remember, you can now activate the Parental Guidance on your laptop or mobile phone. Just proceed to the ‘X’ button at the top right hand corner of your computer screen and click or Menu > Options> Close on your mobile phone.

SCENE ONE: *Scene opens with this dude painting walls of blog while listening to the BET Naija Cypher, Ice Prince comes on…”life is not fair/so i’m thinking of how to bleach…” This dude falls off stool, rolls on the floor and starts shredding tears*

CAMERA SHOT SHIFTS TO DOOR: People begin streaming into room, taking their seats on the polished wooden floor.

Anonymous dude: “so we got some link. Why are we here?”

CAMERA MOVES BACK TO this dude: adjusts himself, drops paint rollers, places headphones around neck, dusts self, looks at audience and says: “Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here…”

*PSYCHE!!!*

Wassup people and Welcome to The Sirkastiq Center as you see/saw at the top of this page. My name is Sirkastiq and that automatically makes this my blog. No? Dullards. Here at ‘TSC’ (yes this is my subtle plan to make my blog sound like TNC for marketing reasons), we shall be catering to your problems because we believe that no one person should carry those problems alone. Hence, we shall share ours with you.

Please don’t be asking me who is ‘we’ Leave it like that. Now, seeing as this is my first attempt at blogging…*audience begins to mutter* WILL YOU BE QUIET? WHAT IS THE NOISE ABOUT? *noise dies down* As i was saying, this being my first attempt at this blogging shit, i ask that you people should not be coming here with High expectations. I don’t want problem (Ha! The irony).

*voice in audience* “ Oga were you not KevinWithAnL? “

Sigh…Mohammed Ali and Cassius Clay, are they the same person? You say? My point exactly. Well, the KevinWithAnL blog is for sale. Anyone interested can DM me for the going price. I shall not say No if the price is good. Allow me say though that, its hard to keep a good man down (pls this isn’t sexual in anyway). The things we deeply love have a way of tugging the strings of our heart and the rhythm they produce is one that calls for a corresponding, fitting dance. Expressing myself is that love for me. I love to write, always have, always will. I don’t write serious stuff but i try to subtly PASS A MESSAGE in the midst of the gibberish i normally churn out. ;D

A lot of emotions traded the “ENCORE” post and very understandably so..some comments got me all teary eyed and i felt loved (no i’m not getting soft. Imma bawse uhngh). I took my break, purged myself, put my emotions under control and consulted far and wide. Safe to say, this is what makes me, this is who i am. Ok, at this point, i think i’m beginning to sound like Track 2 of the ELI album 😀 (which is the point where peeps begin to doze off) so imma wrap this up. #NoCondom

#BOTTOMLINE: 1. This is the Sirkastiq Center 2. Abeg, i don’t have time to do summary jare. This ain’t English class. In the meantime, be a nice chap or darling and follow the blog, yeah? I promise to attempt to make it worth your while. What to expect? TIME will TELL no? (see what I did there?)
Well then, all has been said, there’s plenty to be done. Welcome to the Sirkastiq center.

*Audience smile, clap and begin to trod out*

WAIT!!! Isn’t anyone going to help me paint this blog? Somebody, Anybody?
*crickets* Presses Play..ELI Track 3.

THE END

Cast
This dude ____________ Sirkastiq
Audience_____________ All y’all
Annonymous dude_____ Some dude