The iPad

The post you are about to read is completely fictional. Any semblance to real life characters and/or situations is purely coincidental and by mistake. The owners of this blog will like to state that they have the legal backing of the over 50 just graduated students of the NLS association of Twitter and so consideration should be considered before any legal action is considered.

Having said that, Welcome to OuterViews.

*Camera zooms in to Host, Newsroom style* In 5, 4, 3…

“Welcome to Outerviews, Indeed it has been a while. This is largely because we were restructuring and needed to restructure. Anyway, we are back now and we have a special to bring your way. Today, we shall be discussing the case of the missing iPad and to do justice to that, we have the victim and the suspect” (V and S)

*Camera zooms into Victim, wearing an “Occupy something” Tee shirt. Victim’s face seems stronger than the Hulk’s while taking a shit*

*Camera zooms into Suspect, wearing…aviator shades*

“Welcome guys, Mr Victim, can you please brief us on your grievances and what not?”

V: “Thank you so very much, Let me start with an Introduction: In the land of many victims, the man who dare the oppressor is seen to be mad. I am mad, but my friends and followers call me bobojuwa.  My grievances are tied to the fact that i have been iPadless since the 16th of June 2012. Let me help you understand that I am a man of no nonsense and as such I take no nonsense.

“*snickers* obviously…Can you tell us how you became iPadless dear Sir?”

V: “Thank you very much. You see, I took a flight from Abuja to Lagos and just as we were approaching the tarmac for landing, the on-board voice told us to buckle up and all. You see before then, I was checking out some recently saved Twitter avatars on the iPad and was pretty excited as they were quite ravishing and I was on my way to meet some of them and set that P. I must let you know I’m quite a celeb on the Twi with about 38,000 followers…”

“And you didn’t buy any of these followers Sir?”

V: “Thank you very much. Buy? No way! I worked hard to earn every single one of them. I am also a Twitter activist by hustle, My reputation has been built overtime. Where were you when we started the “Occupy Nigeria” Internet revolution? I single handed spearheaded that campaign even putting my neck on the line. Ahmean…I was sending Broadcasts, giving updates, claiming arrests here and there,anyway, so yes.. back to my iPad”

I leaned over and placed the iPad in the sidepocket of the seat as we prepared to land, I then closed my eyes to picture how i was going to knack the akpako when i meet these twitter girls. There was a smile on my face, I can remember as i saw in my mind’s eye the spanking, the thrusti…”

“Erm, Can you please focus on the iPad pls sir?”

V: “Thank you. So we landed and as we began to embark, My mind was fixated on who lay ahead. Choi! World class knacks yo. I got off the airline wondering why no one had come to usher me into a waiting rental limo, being a celeb and all. I was really depressed, no one flashing boobies either, no paparazzi, Which kain life? So I trudged over to the Taxi point and boarded a Taxi”

“It must have been a harsh blow Sir, to realize that your Online popularity did not transcend to the celeb status you assumed you had”

V: “Thank…Wait! What? Assumed ke?! It’s not your fault o. But you’re not lying sha, it pained me. So while i was in the Taxi, i thought about my life and where it was heading, Am i going to continue like this? When will people take me serious? How do I actually become a real life Celeb? I tried to distract myself as answers were not forthcoming so I reached into my man bag to please myself a bit before the P setting time and GHEUN! No iPad!! I dug deeper, maybe it had slid to the side; GHEUN! GHEUN!!!” No iPad!!! A smile played across my face as the Lord dropped an answer in my heart…”

“At this point, let us switch over and hear from the suspect. Sir, Your company has been fingered as the culprit in this matter of the missing iPad. What say you?”

S: “As a company that has been in business, for a long while and with staff that are paid well and taught the tenets of their job, I can state categorically that we did NOT take this man’s iPad. Why would we want to? Does it contain Kim Kardashians nudies in 3D? Does it have the Nuclear codes to destroy the world? Or does it contain the Date and Time of the World’s end? I do not know and really do not care. Even if it has Vic-O’s reset button, We still wouldn’t…em well, we might but my point is, we didn’t take his iPad”

“Have there been any moves to settle this situation to prevent any defamation and such?”

V: “Thank you. You see, when I was in the cab and I realised that I had forgotten my ipad in the airplane (Please ignore the fact that I forgot it by myself and by my own carelessness) I decided to make the most of it (also ignore the fact that I was at Allen Avenue (about 15minutes from the airport) when I had this epiphany) So I went back and one guy told me that they had put the ipad in my bag. (please ignore also the fact that I was foolish enough to believe him without asking how they knew it was my bag or my ipad). Sha sha, long story short, I did not see my ipad and I decided to make the most of it.

This was my chance, if I do this right, my Online celeb status shall be transformed to real life. Heck! I could become like Mr Fix TheNation and maybe become the Special Adviser to the President or Minister on missing items. So yes, the company contacted me and even offered me a compensation package that included me not revealing the contents of the compensation package, so don’t ask.

S: “An iPad is never a problem. We offered a package to avoid this becoming an Issue but Oga here seemed too strong headed and stubborn”

V: “Your father is the one that has strong head! Do you know how your company ruined my P setting plans and deflated my ego (that’s what I call my penis btw) Don’t tell me about strong head here. Whaddoyou know? Demmit!”

I shall fight this cause with all I have, I have filed complaint, printed shirts, even started a trend on Twitter (shit, I should add this to my bio) #****WhereIsMyIpad Because of me people are now aware that your company is responsible for any missing items. It doesn’t matter if it’s your brain, your heart or your Indomie seasoning. Anything that misses is your company’s fault. I shall not rest till my name is on every newspaper. I mean, I was pissed when I heard about the closure of this company some days ago, I wondered why I wasn’t credited because it was ME that was responsible for that. By my power, I single handedly shut down their operations and no credit was given to me. Not MTN, Not glo..NOTHING!!!

S: “This guy you really are suffering from grand delusions of grandeur…all this because you want to be a real life celeb?”

V: “Ya a bladdy nincompoopian vertebrate! Because you people have money, you want to ride on me abi? Ya mad. I’m suing for N50million damages, then I will buy my own jet and use it to jam your own in the sky. We will meet.”

“N50million for an iPad?” *gasp*

V: “Ehen?! For all the days I couldn’t set P and enlarge avatars with the iPad, I couldn’t even Instagram. I also lost followers because they didn’t see “…via Twitter for iPad” which we the celebs use. All these damages…oh plus the cost of printing T-shirts, and cost of buying back followers etc. You people think ees beans abi?  The story of my ipad has since become the story of a generation’s quest for justice and justice or nothing. I shall pursue it to the end. No retreat no Surrender. The quest for celebritism is real. Next step is Twitter Verification.

S: “I give up with this guy mehn…”

V: “* Twitter notification beep* Who is this Madame Koi Koi that is mentioning me now? *checks profile* Ah! she has links with wakanow, maybe if I vex her too,her company will..Dear God, another epiphany…”

*****

And there you have it guys, We at TSC don’t know what to make of this situation. We have decided to sit on the fence and watch this event unfold. We would like to thank our guests for stopping by and of course Thank you for reading. *pulls ear* We repeat that any semblance to real life events are completely co-incidental. Ehen!

Remember, we have the backing of the newly graduated NLS Lawyers on Twitter. Do NOT mess with us.

For Security reasons, Not because we are scared or anything like that, the Identity of this writer has been kept secret. TF are we deceiving?

Thinking Out Loud

Greetings, mortals…

There comes a time in every man’s life where he has to start a speech with “There comes a time in every man’s life…” This is not that time, but it’s always good to start writing stuff with stuff.

You know what I mean right?

Yeah.

I have discovered that my worst posts come at times when I have absolutely nothing to say. Yes, this actually is one of those times. I’m just going to write whatever comes to my head today. Don’t expect anything deep. I’m simply opening my mind to you.

I figured I haven’t passed across any message all my writing days, so…why start now muh fucker?

Imma probably retire this way. With a cat and all my posts in a bottle.

First off, old English is always cool yo! Always. And adding ‘eth’ to every word just bringeth forth the sexiness. Have you ever gone all Shakespeare/King Arthur on your girlfriend pre- coitus? Like “Greetings lassie. How fareth ye? Will you be so kind as to suck on the Royal Penis till I spill forth and overflow and exclaim in contentment?”

I guarantee you she will do as you say.

Be spontaneous guys, you don’t need me giving you relationship advice.

Another thing that has come to my attention is the fact that girls women have begun to wear bra sizes that are one size too tight when they’re going to set P. I don’t know if this is supposed to make your boobs look bigger when the dude takes off your top. You guys know you’re cutting off blood supply to the nipples right? Your areolas can’t think straight at this rate.

This isn’t new though, because Ariel wore seashells for bras even though her cup size was a D-Shell… And don’t ask me how I know about this fad. I’m married and faithful. Fuck all of you.

Since I still have not thought up something to say, I might as well go on spewing crap. I mean, someone sat down and ‘wrote’ 200 blank pages and now has female fans all over the world looking for their very own Christian Grey. So I bet I could do this shit and pull it off.

I’m going to be famous.

Did you guys know that Michelangelo, Fleming, Einstein and Tesla were all ambidextrous? Even my very own
Benjamin Franklin was ambidextrous. How amazing is that shit? Being able to masturbate effectively with both hands? Freaking awesome!

I want to be ambidextrous when I grow up.

Moving on…

So I watched the entire Twilight Series again. (How do I defend this to my G’s on the street? Wait…wait. My laptop was formatted and there was absolutely nothing on it apart from the Twilight Series which my kid sister had put on it the night before without my knowledge, and the batteries on all my other devices were dead)

Yeah… That’s my story and I’m sticking to it like Velcro.

So I watched the entire Twilight series (still better than reading 200 blank pages of ‘porn’50 Shades of Gay), and I have come to one very outrageous, but completely logical conclusion about the whole story.

Isabella Swan is a lesbian.

There’s no other way to explain why she’s dating that Glow-In-The-Sun, sparkle-like-a-greeting-card bitch when it is so obvious ‘he’ owns a gaping vagina. Yes, she is attracted to women. That has to be it.

I expect my Nobel Prize in Applied Logic please. Thank you.

Just writing out loud okay, but after watching The Dark Knight Rises for the fifth time, I feel bad for only one person.

Bane.

Not because he was ‘finished off’ by Catwoman (of all people) sorry for the spoiler if you haven’t watched it but because he was completely friendzoned by Ra’s AlGhul’s daughter, Talia. And do you know why?

Because he couldn’t give her a blowjob no matter how hard he tried.

Ain’t that a bitch?

Nigga is struggling for breath, for his very life and you punish him for that? Bitches be crazy yo… She deserved to die.

Speaking of things I noticed, after watching Avengers, I went and got the first two Iron Man movies, and do you know what stood out to me after seeing TonyStark in a suit?

Iron Man takes the ballerina pose when he hovers. For real, arms at waist, palms perpendicular to the body, one foot slightly raised above the other… Same thing with Superman… You couldn’t be more gay. Except you are Edward…

I should end this post, you’re probably getting bored. This is the part where I try to be inspirational and say some really good stuff that will leave you thinking for the rest of the day and coming to the conclusion about how much of a genius I am…

Meh…fuck y’all…

Don’t forget to follow @TheSarcasticCtr and also to put your e-mail addresses to good use and Nominate This Blog

Peace to the Middle East.

The Plant

Before we dive into our post for today, It’s Blog Award season again. On behalf of Terdoh and Dammy, Allow me say Thanks for your nominations and Votes last year, As a result, We emerged the “Most Humorous Blog of 2011”  It’s a new year and We Know that we can repeat this feat. We aren’t priding, We are soliciting. (Please) Do nominate us by clicking here  In the boxes, just type in our web link (www .tscng. wordpress. com) in any category you consider us worthy of. (Do not put us in all, as that warrants a void vote)  Thanks

***

 

Intro:

There is this plant that grows in superfluous amounts in the Caribbean. This plant has been said to make your hair grow longer, your brain cells work faster, your senses much sharper, your jokes a lot funnier (to you, and other people who consume the plant) and will probably be the reason there will ever be peace in the Middle East.

This post is an Ode to this plant. To the millions of plant cells that have been cut up, mashed, processed, and set on fire for the greater good, this post is a dedication.

***

So I recently sat in the comfort of my personal space and burned one of these plants. A few minutes later and I saw Buddha and he revealed to me some secrets all ye earthlings have no idea of.

No really guys, I saw Buddha. I took a picture.

You know how Kid Cudi is the new Neil Armstrong (RIP) and Lil’  Wayne is a Marsian, well that’s what it does. You leave earth. And you’re in space. Anyway there I got to see a giant size Buddha. He’s big y’all, mighty big. Apparently he is too heavy to defy gravity and he resides in the heavens.

That’s cos i float like a buddhafly and sting like a bitch

We got talking about the weather; we drank tea and ate crumpets like them Brits. We chatted for long. Talked about the Olympics, politics and girls. I mean the guy is a fucking genius. The only thing he wouldn’t talk about was music, cos that YOLO stuff has been everywhere, fucking with his beliefs. You know Buddhists live many times.

When night fell, we went to a dark alley to go burn unwanted plants. It was some real good weed.

Burned plants in my high. High within a high. Inception.

So we got to smoking some real weed from Jamaica, the same thing Bolt and Blake takes. It’s exclusive to people whose name starts with ‘B’. True story.

If you think I’m lying then why is it that Buddha (the enlightened one) changed his name from Siddhartha? Also why do Usain and Yohan prefer to go by their ‘B’ names: Bolt (the fast one) and Blake (the famzing one)? I believe you have realized the truth.

I didn’t get to smoke the weed under my legal name so for the purpose of this story my name will be Bill.

So I took about 2 long and deep smokes before I got inebriated. Buddha went on to finish the 3meter roll; he took 5 and got madly stoned cos he was like a statue and what not. He began to tell me deep stuff about his past. How he was so awesome Kanye used to send him fanmail.

I’m all stoned and what not buddy…

Yeah, Buddha old and dead now. Hip back in the day.

Don’t be asking me questions of how I can talk to him because ‘em questions teeter on the verge of fatuity and injudiciousness, they are preposterous, contemptible and out of sheer jealousy. They end up being cumbersome and raid the mind of sanity, deserting you with poppycock thoughts and these things are not salubrious for your health.

Now that I have said a full load of jargon to evade the question, we can move on.

So he began to tell me about the bitch niggars of our present time but the one that shocked me the most was Santi Ho, Buddha preferred we call him a cunt  most of you know this cunt as Santa Claus and real Gs know him as Fada Krismas cos we ghetto.

I will be revealing this truth to you as Buddha did. This is the actual recording of what happened (the words of Buddha in italics. For obvious reasons, won’t be in red.)

Buddha: Bill do you believe in Santa?

Me: Ermm.. No, why are you asking?

Buddha: You know that guy is a fucking pedophile, bloody cunt.

I’m initially shocked at Buddha’s fluency in French but I’m like what the hell, so I ask “How so?”

Buddha: Think of these things:

First off, who the fuck keeps a naughty list? I mean it’s just bizarre for him to want to know the naughty kids. Some legends say he keeps a ‘Nice kids’ list but see that’s so he can weed them out. It’s almost like something out of ‘em adult films. The kid be shouting “I’m naughty” and he be asking “who’s your daddy” as he kpanshes them and the kid be like “You are the FATHHERR Christmas!” By the time he through with them, they be so knocked that they forgot what happened the previous night.

Who’s your daddy beeeeyyyich???

I still maintain my irked mien but this time it is splattered with puzzlement. My expression is almost as if I have a running stomach at an all you can eat buffet. I scrutinize Buddha from head to toe and listen some more.

Also, why does he sneak into houses via the chimney? I mean, THE CHIMNEY! For fucksake. Symbolic for, “I like to get on top and slide in”. He don’t want nobody tryna alert the popo by trying to break through the front entrance. So he got himself some red LED and pasted it on Rudolph’s nose.

You might not understand the full extent of his crimes in this part of the world ‘cause y’all don’t have fucking chimneys. Y’all have backyards, and if you had fine children you would be afraid of this shit too.

At this point in time I begin to see Buddha’s logic and I’m simply amazed by his sheer astute perspicuity of reality and then he continues.

Buddha: What’s the cunt’s favorite phrase?

I hesitate a bit before I say “Ho ho ho.” As soon as the words leave my mouth understanding dawned upon me then I uttered a realizing “Ooh.”

Oh, Oh, Oh…Shit.

Buddha: I see that you are beginning to reason with me. Even though sometimes I think he was referring to the Kardashians, it’s so annoying that people have no idea of his practices despite the subliminal.

Whenever he sees the little children he has kpanshed over and over again and just because he don’t remember their names he be calling them hoes, hopefully they answer and come for more of the shrivelled koboko. He gets them to give him lap time like premature strippers. Fucking pedophile. And when he eventually gets hard, the many layers of clothing he wears helps to cover the erection.

I think imma cum early…next year

He pauses for a moment, hits a blunt, releases smoke through his ears and says a bunch of expletives I’m not allowed to say, meanwhile I’m still awed by his inspiring wisdom and then he continues.

Buddha: What is so annoying is that adults have no idea about this and funny enough they were once kpanshed by this monster.

Me: How does he do it?

Buddha: Well, it’s simple. He has a brainwashing mechanism. When children begin to enter their teenage years their parents begin to acquaint them with reality telling them that Santa and all the other fairy tales are fictitious. The children find it hard to believe that all the nasty things that Santa did to them was just an imagination and they become a pain in the ass of the parent.

And that right there son, explains the rebellious character of adolescent children.  

Dafuq is this Buddha dude?

I was now in an overwhelming shock that my mouth was slightly ajar before I muttered “Double ingenuity.” He didn’t seem to hear what I said and then he said.

Buddha:

It annoys me to bits that you guys will be using the greatest subliminal of all time on yourselves. I mean the old faggot has infected y’all that you utter the words ‘Have a merry Christmas’ inconsequentially whereas it simply means ‘Have a gay Christmas.’

As at that moment I begin to clap ebulliently at the same time rheum came out from all my facial orifices. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because of his pure ingenuity or maybe it was the weed. He is an absolute titan in every right and definitely not a man of his time. Despite being stoned I see why it is that he has his own religion. Out of absolute euphoria, I ask him the most rhetoric question ever.

“Who gave birth to you?” And Buddha being his logical self responded, “My mother of course.”

We shared a few more laughs before we departed. I managed to get his BB pin, it was engraved on his leg. It read: 483BCE01. But now that I am all clear headed, I think it was the time of his death.

Presently, I have doubts of the authenticity and originality of our meeting. The conversation seems rather incoherent and outlandish. I’m beginning to think that it was the weed that made this conversation brilliant as at that time but then again, Buddha is a non-lying smart-ass so maybe my memory of how this conversation ensued is a tad distorted.

I need you to clarify these things.

1.    I’m not under the influence of any volatile narcotic.

2.    I’m not a liar.

3.    My sanity is still intact. I hope.

4.    I actually met, talked and smoked withBuddha.

5.    Santa is just a warped ho.

Lastly, Bill wrote this shit. Take it up with him.

@YemiJohnson.

***

DISCLAIMER: The post you are about to read contains images of Violence, Nudity and Strong Language (fucking ignore that I know strong language is not an image but you did see what I did here, didn’t you? aha!)..Oh wait! You’ve read the post already? Ok.

*coughs* The TSC crew would like to apologise for the Graphic Images displayed in this post. We would also like to state that the views here are those of the writer and not the beliefs of the TSC Team, We also might or might not have edited some more volatile shit out of this post.  (You should sha be careful of the red cloaked, bearded nigga tho). However, do direct your concerns , reservations and what not to the Comment box where we may or may not respond.

Editing of this post was not done by @Terdoh and the pictures are definitely not @Sirkastiq’s or @TheGreyGenesis’ doing. ShoutOut to @yemijohnson for a great piece.

If you have a TSC worthy story, post, whatever, you know where to find us. atink…

And yeah,you can and should (please) nominate us in befitting categories for the Blog Awards here   Pls remember to confirm your vote by clicking the mail…in your mail…box.

Merry Christmas in advance.

Lagos

First off bitches, we see all of you creating your versions of the “How to…” series and we would just like to say a big fuck thank you for swegg jacking. Errbady knows that we started that shit.

Yeah. Bitches. Sweggu.

© TSC 2012

On to today’s post. No?

*clears throat*

Let’s cut this long story short.

“Good evening people. This is your Captain speaking. We are now landing (safely, alive, and in the same piece as God made you) at the front wing terminal of the Murtala Mohammed International airport. Lagos. Please fasten your seatbelts (if they still work) and prepare for landing (God help us all)” Heard these words before? No? Not even in home videos? Ok, let me remix. “We don reach Lagos o, who dey drop for Ojota, Mile 2? I no dey stop for Maryland o, I no get 20k for LASTMA, my papa no be Fashola oh! Come dan here now o, ehen!”

Forgive my introduction; usually I’m not like this, I’m more posh and composed but for the content of this post, allow me to come down to your level for a bit. No this doesn’t mean I’m condescending, it just means I respect you well enough to step off my imaginary high horse and grovel at your feet for reason of reasoning together. So yes, my introduction ought to have passed the subtle message of what this article is about but if you haven’t deciphered it yet, fear not for I shall spell it out for you. Today, we shall talk about “H O W  T O  S U R V I V E  I N  L A G O S”.

See? I keep my word.

This isn’t information for just newcomers to the city but for you all who are here but do not even know Mile 2 from Mile 12 (I’m not sure I do either but that’s not why we are here). I’m not about to give you traffic updates or directions (That’s GidiTraffic’s duty) but just some street savvy advice to ensure that the “Centre of excellence” doesn’t drive you crazy enough to take up accommodation at the left side of Yaba.

So here’s the thing. Lagos is a fast paced city with things moving at the speed of light, everyone is in a hurry, we don’t know where we are rushing to but it’s the status quo. You cannot be doing ‘sme-sme’ in Lagos. Even if your Life’s Good you’ve got to be Sharp.

Yeah, I did that.

There are a few things you have to know to survive in this state. And your favourite blog is here to deliver these tips. Listen close; I will only be saying these things once.

Allo…anyone listening?

  1. 1.       Traffic

A typical morning in Lagos starts at 4am so do not be surprised when you see neighbours getting up that early to head to work. If you are lucky enough to reside in a populated area like Ketu, you just might not need a clock alarm. Just open your windows before you sleep and keep your ears open. The Imams will practically come into your room to wake you up for prayer. We’re talking every day, on the hour. These alarm clocks sound every weekday at 5am and on weekends at…well, 5am. So adjust accordingly.

Traffic is the reason people get up this early in Lagos. There are too many cars and this makes me wonder if we shouldn’t emulate China’s bicycle situation. Like everyone on their BMX’s n shit. It would help keep us fit and eradicate all that “Big man chilling in the Owner’s corner” type shit. (What’s funny about this is that some people will still find that two-user bicycles and sit in the back) Fuck you if you think it’s hurting me ‘cos I don’t have anyone to drive me.  Arrant Nonsense!

*inhales*

*exhales*

*continues*

So yeah, Traffic is like a tourist attraction in Lag and you should make the most of it. Those people who travel all the way to Shoprite to buy stuff don’t have sense, Most of them are just show-offs who need a good location to snap pictures and set P. You know why?

You can purchase everything in traffic, from household equipment, magazines and newspapers, rat poison, food, guinea brocade, lace, wife material, girlfriend, boyfriend, children, and even down to common sense. These hawkers are selling it. Here in Lag, the big boys go to Debonairs Pizza to have snacks, but our most common man traffic food is Gala and La Casera, to survive in this city, you must have your gala and La Casera money for such traffic situations. It’s necessary; it’s like vex money yanah. It’s the difference between arriving safely and not arriving at all. It’s the difference between life and death.

I shit you not…

You just gotta love gala yo…

  1. 2.       Police/LASTMA

Since we are talking about survival, there are two sets of people you must avoid if you want to live long and survive in this city: The Police and LASTMA. (I would have included women, but this is not a blog post on how to survive during Valentine). Forget what you might have been told, the Police in Lagos is MOST DEFINITELY NOT your friend, I’m telling you now o. If you ever have security problems like a robbery attack, just co-operate with the robbers, it’s easier to do so.

One thing you should note is that when you get in such an incident, by all means, call the police. But don’t expect them to come to your rescue. They’re not Spiderman. Please. If you’re calling them, it’s to report a case.

Mans have tire yo….

The police will charge you for fuel if (note, IF) they get to your place and they normally arrive long after the incident is over. If you have a car and encounter these guys on the road, just have your N50 ready. Don’t get me wrong, I do not support bribe.

I just believe in living long.

LASTMA ought to be the Traffic monitoring agency of the state; they have however become a menace to motorists, cyclists and even pedestrians. Do NOT for any reason attempt to beat a traffic light (even if it isn’t working) Just sit there till they pass you. I still wonder what “illegal parking” actually is because in Lagos, you get arrested and charged for parking your car anywhere. One day the government will probably come to your house and lock your gate because you parked inside. There are hardly any “no parking” signs but you’re expected to telepathically know where to and where not to park.

I go brush this guy o..I go bru…. *jhfvhdkjcvlaskjdnskjb*

At this point, I must talk a bit about ‘okadas’ these are the bikers you see everywhere in this city. I advise that you learn a bit of Yoruba and Hausa to communicate with these guys. It’s amazing how these guys know so much math but so little English. They calculate excellently when it’s time for you to pay them but understanding where you want to go is a problem. The hausa ones among them are the WORST. These ones nod to your every statement as if they understand. Be warned: THEY DON’T! I also believe most of them have death wishes because they ride their bikes like the devil is chasing them from behind. You must ensure you SHOUT at them to control their speed or they just might accelerate your meeting with your creator.

Don’t ask me , I don’t get it either…

  1. 3.       One Chance

Basically, it’s only God that can save you mortals from the evil that is One Chance. How does one even begin to explain how to avoid these? If you’re a big boy, just go ahead and take your cabs like a carbohydrate addict. However, if you jump bus like the rest of the mortals, you might want to note that you should as much as possible avoid entering buses that are not painted the usual colours. You know, yellow and black stripes, white and blue stripes…

Lemme stop before you people will start yabbing my danfo skills. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never entered danfo in my life.

Those of you that did yimu and said “Yes, but he has entered molue” will enter molue in Jesus name. Say amen.

Last last, the important thing is to be watchful. Some tell tale signs give the criminals away. One just knows these things. They’re hard to explain. “Discretion is profitable” is all I can say.

  1. 4.       Agege Bread

Fourscore and three decades ago, the seers and the legends foretold of this great invention. No one knows when or where exactly it was created, but the Agege natives believe it fell from heaven like manna or some shit like that.

Guys, listen closely, Agege bread is life. Legends have lived on this, old men have told tales by the bonfire about how this great invention was created and destinies have been changed upon encounter with this bread of life.

Agege bread cures sicknesses, lifts moods, settles family disputes and has been known to make people taller. No joke. If you ever see the bus/van that delivers that fresh Agege bread, ask God to open your eyes and I bet you this blog that you would see angels surrounding the van, keeping the bread safe. Yes people. It’s angelic.

Divine.

I shall stop here on the Agege bread rant. If you haven’t had any, you should try some. And Agege Bread goes with anything, from pure water to tea, to pap, to ewa agoin, to more Agege bread…

E NO EASY EYYYYYYYY!!!!

So yeah, cop that shit.

Lagos is a fun place, space won’t allow me delve into other survival issues like how to eat at canteens and/or restaurants, how to alight from danfo, how to avoid getting your pocket picked at Obalende, etc…There really is no city like Lagos, like New York, it’s the city that doesn’t sleep, the City that parties non stop, Ah! The city with the girls that come out at night under bright lights…Oh! I must say this: Learn the art of PRICING. Never accept the first price of an item or service, slash it by 60% and negotiate always or else…

In spite of what you’ve heard or read, Lagos is for the strong and in Lagos, only the strong survive. Do feel free to add your own tips in the comments section.

Yeah. This wasn’t long.

– Cumical & Sirkastiq OUT!