Ride or Die?

Hey y’all. Y’all staying alive? Breathing easy? Doing Good #NoMegan. Fine.

As part of our desire to constantly churn out material that helps soothe you guys, we have decided to add another feather to the TSC cap. Well, it goes without saying that we’re the best when it comes to humor in Nigeria, Let’s not brag about our 3 recognition awards but yeah. No one comes close.

What we want to do at TSC is to build a community of writers who have their head screwed deep in humor, Guys who can deliver funny stuff without even trying, people who bring tears of joy to your eyes when you read their shit. Yup. That’s the goal. Little wonder Terdoh and TheGreyGenesis are part of this team. Them niggas hold things down all day everyday.

Alright, in keeping with this tradition, Guys allow me to introduce our newest team member. He’s no stranger to humor neither is he foreign in these parts, Matter of fact, he has over time sent in content that rates as high as the stuff that comes from here, So yeah, “signing him up” was a no brainer. Let us give a massive TSC welcome to the brilliant ‘RJ’ known on twitter as @Monsieur_RJ; our newbie.

*****

Some sexual fantasies are better left in your head.

I learnt this the hard way. No porn intended.

No pun intended either.

Sometime about a fortnight ago, I went to a supermarket in Wuse 2 to get an After Shave. My favorite team had just lost (again) to Olympiakos in the Champions League and I was a little bit disoriented.

david-moyes-loser

The loss had really hurt me and anyone who observed me that night could tell I was in emotional pains. I had a particular brand of After Shave I always used ‘cos I loved the scent and my search for it earlier in the day had not been successful.

I got into this supermarket (name withheld) and asked around for it but they didn’t have it either, so I picked a pack of Smarties and a can of suede spray for my shoes then made my way to pay.  “N520, sir” said the female counter as she packed both items in a leather bag. I searched my wallet and discovered I didn’t come out with enough money.

Or maybe, just maybe, I had spent it all at the bar where I had watched the United game in agony.

“I don’t think I have enough cash on me. Do you accept ATMs?”

She nodded & I gave her my card. She did her lil thing, asked if I was using Current or Savings, blah blah & then finally asked me to insert my pin. As I punched it in, saying the numbers audibly as I did, she looked at me and said “You look sad. Very sad… And you’re handsome”. For the first time I “examined” her. Funny I didn’t do that all this while ‘cos I had my mind on the just concluded game. She was beautiful, chocolate but NOT my type and I’ll tell you why.

She might have been a counter or to like most would say, a salesgirl, but she wasn’t bad at all. She was pretty, had knockers that could feed all 378 of Angelina Jolie’s adopted kids and had thunder thighs. It had been one of my sexual fantasies to have sex with a tall chic just for the hell of it & this opportunity presented itself. She might not have had a classy job but in the words of the hommie Pa Alfred, “Kpekus na Kpekus”. That wasn’t the problem, though.

The babe was tall for a babe. Extremely tall. I’m talmbout 6’3 or some shit like that.

“Thanks. Had a rough day. Why are you guys still open? It’s almost 11.” I asked.

“We close by 11 exactly. Almost done for today. Here’s your stuff. Have a good rest and visit us again.” she said handing me the bag.

That should have been my cue to leave. El-Farooq should have left. That bastard!

“Umm, so, do I have to come here again if I want to see you or could I just get your number and give you a call?” Not smooth by me but I figured, what the fuck, my night couldn’t get worse.

She smiled and politely said “I just think you’re cute and thought it would be nice to say it. Nothing more. Please, don’t get any ideas.”

surely-you-jest

Again, another cue to leave but I had to be so fucking stupid. “Dooshima,” I said, staring at her name-tag “I think you’re cute too and no, I’m not having any other ideas. I just like to be close friends with people who know my ATM pin. It’s only right, right? I’m El-Farooq, by the way” She smiled for a bit, gave me an ‘I hope you know what you’re signing up for’ look and called out her number in a soft voice.   A couple of phone calls, lots of flirting & a few days later I was driving to her crib to go see her.

First, I couldn’t invite her over to my place ‘cos I didn’t want my hommies laughing at me for attempting to smash someone that could carry me. I got to her crib and was a bit surprised. It was nice. She was obviously living above her means. Or maybe one 6’5 aristo had been hitting that. I don’t know. We got talking and, of course, I had to find out where she got that much money to get a nice apartment in Abuja being a salesgirl & all.

Turns out she was a student and her mum actually owned the Supermarket. She decided to take up a part-time job during the strike to help her mum & keep an eye on the other staff that had no clue she was their boss’ daughter. She helped out anytime she was back from school. I liked that in a girl; ambitious, pretty and didn’t sit on her ass all day waiting for a nigga to take care of her. Or maybe that was ‘cos she was 6’3 and dudes always ran away from her… like I should have done that night.

We talked some more and things got very deep. She told me about how her dad had left them when she was little (‘little’ kor) and how her mum had struggled alone, raising 4 kids, all girls. She said all her life she had longed for a father-figure and how she adored her mum. I held her hands and told her everything was going to be alright & how her mum had done an amazing job raising her. She placed her head on my chest & I could feel myself giggle a bit.

I was like...

I was like…

That must have been a weird ass sight.

Anyway, things heated up as I made some moves on her. She resisted at first but ain’t nobody ever really resisted El-Farooq when they were alone. That shit ain’t never happened. Neeever. I made my trademark move; popping the bra with my right hand, watching the titties bounce out and going straight for the left one. Hers were really beautiful. Like she had other ridiculously big body parts ‘cos she was fucking 6’3 but her titties were beautiful & moderate. I was this close to clapping for her. By far the best titties I had ever laid eyes & mouth on. She moaned and whispered “nibble on it” in my ears & the nigga El-Farooq did.

After a few minutes of fooling around she asked me if I wanted an energy drink and had eaten well before coming. Not to look like an idiot I said yes then walked over to her fridge to get a can of whatever energy drink she had. I must have shrieked when I opened it. I was terrified. Her fridge was stocked with about 20-30 cans of Red Bull. Like, what was this chic up to?! Again, a reason to back out but you know guys and their egos; we don’t ever want to bitch out.

Fridge lookin' at me like...

Fridge lookin’ at me like…

We went to her room & continued our foreplay in there. After a while she stopped me and looked a bit withdrawn. I asked her what the matter was but she didn’t want to say. After a while she opened up. No, not her legs, silly, we’re gonna get there. She told me about how she loved tying guys up while having sex, on some S&M shit. I figured, well that’s not a problem since I liked a lil bit of kinky stuff, I had been tied up once and I loved it. Ah, Uju! God bless her sweet self. Best weekend I ever had in Enugu. Back to Dooshima & I.

I agreed to her tying me up & she did. She tied me up well. Very well. The knots were tight. Very tight. She didn’t have cuffs so she used a tie. Now that I think about it, whose ties were those? She asked me for a safe word. I didn’t like the idea of a safe word. “Safe words are for sissys” I said but she insisted.

“Ride!”

“Ride?”

“Yes, Ride. If I say Ride then you either stop or Ride on” I said jokingly.

She laughed and left the room. I blame my hommie Ikhizama for that stupid thought. I had been jamming some old Nelly albums that he hooked me up with and had been driving to “Ride With Me” on my way to her crib so that was the first word that came to my head.  She returned with a jar of Nutella and opened it. She scooped some with her hand and gently rubbed it over my already erect cock then she began blowing me, passionately licking the damn Nutella off. I was wilding. Dooshima’s head game was on some Play Station 6 shit, some futuristic shit that y’all ain’t ready for. Y’all niggas ain’t even know the half of it. She could suck nails off a wall, that Benue gigantic freak. She blew & blew and then T-Bagged a nigga.

A little tear might have rolled down my left cheek. Best head ever.

baby had me like... just a tear drop

baby had me like… just a tear drop

“Is that a birthmark on your balls?” she said laughing out

“They don’t call me Mr. Birthmark on the Nutsack for nothing” I replied with a proud smirk on my face.

When she was done licking the Nutella off the Colonel she rolled a condom on it and began riding.  I wasn’t really enjoying it, though. I mean, yeah a bit of me was cool with it but her weight, damn, her weight. It gradually went from sex to molestation. I was being used. She just tied me, a nigga shorter than her, up there and did whatever she wanted. I felt abused. I couldn’t take it anymore and my waist was about to give in ‘cos of her damn near 120kg weight. She sensed it and got off my dick and began kissing my chest and sucking my own nipples.

Mahn!

Next thing she got up and, without warning, sat on my face. Fam, I couldn’t breathe. Not like she smelled or none of that, no. In fact, she did smell & taste nice but them thunder thighs tho, way too massive and covered up my whole face. But as a gentleman, I ate her up despite all that. Then she got a bit carried away and started grinding a little. I continued eating her, all this while struggling for proper breath. Then she lost it. Dooshima totally lost it. Home girl started riding my dam face. I was approaching the white light.

“Ride! Ride! Ride!” and she rode even more vigorously.

“No, Ride! RIDE! RIIIDEEE!!” and she continued.

Apparently, that was a shitty choice of a safe word. “Who’s your mummy?” she asked as she rode me on some ‘I own you’ type shit. “What the… My mummy is Mrs. Grace Nwosu and I want my mummy. I’m asthmatic, please. Call her” I screamed out from underneath her but my sorrowful plea was absorbed by her massive thighs.

“Who’s your mummy? Tell me, who’s YOUR MUMMY?” “Mrs. Nwosu! Mrs. Nwosu! Call her! Call her! Her number is 0802574—-“ but Dooshima was already in her zone. “Ride! Ride!” were my feebly yelled last words as my body shook and she, finally coming to her senses, got up.

I woke up fully clothed with a can of Red Bull beside me.

“Drink that. It’ll help you” came a slightly embarrassed voice from across the room.

“What happened? How did my clothes get back on?” I asked, looking around. “Well, you passed out. I cleaned you up and put your clothes on. I couldn’t leave you naked. I’m really sorry. We shouldn’t have done this.” “No, there’s no problem. I umm.. I wasn’t…never mind. I umm, I need to get home.” I said standing up quickly and grabbing my shoes.

“Call me, when you get home. Or you could come over this weekend. I’ll be back from school then” she said as I hurried off.

Calmly walked out of there like...

Calmly walked out of there like…

As I drove off, I did what every sane person who had been molested would do; I blocked her number & deleted her pin. At the moment I’m thinking of skipping town, maybe even moving out of town completely.  Horrific, yes, but that’s one more sexual fantasy off my list, a couple more to go.

-@Monsieur_RJ

Banter

Sirkastiq: Just in case you don’t know, today is a very special day in history. No not because it’s World Wildlife day (where we celebrate ‘people’ like Terdoh)

Terdoh: Your ancestors are wildlife heroes

Sirkastiq: Don’t interrupt me nigga, I’m trying to share history with these wonderful people

Terdoh: You’re still an animal tho…

Sirkastiq: See, behaviour like this only buttresses my point. Anyway, I was saying…

*click*

Sirkastiq: Yo Dee, can you maybe put the phone down and take your selfies later? I’m trying to communicate here

Grey: *click click* I’m trying to get the best angle yo

dee

Terdoh: I don’t know why you’re even bothering, Ellen has won at selfies.

Grey: Bradley Cooper you mean…

Terdoh: Well, Ellen tweeted it first and tagged it the Best Photo ever liveth

Grey: Ellen is a prophet

Terdoh: And she listens to Olamide

Grey: Brad gets no love.

Terdoh: Well…

Sirkastiq: Hellooooo, so I was telling you guys how today is a special day in history…

Grey: 2.6 million RTs and counting

Capture

Terdoh: YOOOOO!!! I was trying to find out what was special about the picture

Grey: I mean no cleavage, tongue, filters and none of them was looking at the floor the way our Nigerian girls do

Terdoh: Don’t hate, most of them are probably looking for their dignity…Or virginity

Grey: WHOA!!!

Sirkastiq: Can you two nitwits just allow me share with these people why today is…

Terdoh: Yo Dee, you heard DiCaprio didn’t win at the Oscars right?

Grey: Well, I saw that one coming

Terdoh: You did? How? I mean homeboy has been in more dope movies than niggas been in Rihanna’s nookie

Grey: WHOA!!!

Terdoh: Y’all just want Leo to win cos he ain’t never won nothing. The Oscars don’t work like that ma nigga

Grey: Maybe if Leo acted as some guy that has suffered then he’d be considered. He’s always the slave driver, rich guy, master. Humble yourself and you’ll be exalted.

Capture

Terdoh: Like that guy Lupita

Sirkastiq: Let me know when you guys want me to share why today is history…

Grey: LMAOOOO…You called Lupita a guy

Terdoh: Well, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and pouts, isn’t it a duck?

Grey: Well, these days, they’re also known as girls.

Terdoh: Our homeboy Chinwetel didn’t win shit too tho.

Grey: No surprise there, the Oscars are a one nigga award per edition show.

Terdoh: And Lupita already took the one for 2014

So um...cleave age?

So um…cleave age?

Grey: Oh yeah…So Tee, what’ve you been up to asides being a jerk on Rounds and on Twitter?

Terdoh: Taking pictures in the shadows.

Grey: So…selfies, cos you’re like N’yongo black.

Terdoh:That’s a new colour right?

Grey: Yeah. Niggas like “I like my women like I like my coffee. N’yongo.”

Sirkastiq: It’s not like I’m here waiting to…

Grey: Sometimes I wonder about your sanity.

Terdoh: Why do I think you’re talking to yourself?

Grey: We’re probably all the same person, and we’re all mad.

Terdoh: You mean you’re mad?

Grey: I mean, nobody has seen all three of us in the same place yeah?

Terdoh: Hmm….I guess you’re right. We’re probably the same person.

Grey: Aha! I knew it!!!

Terdoh: Knew what? That we’re the same? But if you didn’t know that, who would?

Sirkastiq: Carry on, I’ll just keep this history

Grey: I think Saks wants to say something

Terdoh: He does? Why didn’t he say something since? Smh. Such a nigga

Grey: I wonder as well, Like we’ve just been here being awesome but he didn’t say anything

Terdoh: Alright Saks, what’s on your mind?

Sirkastiq: You’ve got to be kidding me

Terdoh: Look son, we ain’t got all day. You either have something to say or you don’t.

Grey: Saks bout to lose his mind

Terdoh: Mind wey my guy don lose since.

Sirkastiq: *gasp* Well, here goes…

Grey: That’s how I was picking beans the other day and then something hit me

Terdoh: Oh my, bummer it wasn’t a car

Sirkastiq: FUCK YOU GUYS OK!!! FUCK YOU!!!

Grey & Terdoh: Oh my!

Sirkastiq: Ugh!! You know what, I’m just going to share this through writing cos y’all are such bums

Grey: So basically, you’re back to writing?

Terdoh: Whoop-de-doo, TSC is back?

Grey: This is history in the making!! We have never been back before and now on the 3rd day of March 2014, we just came back!!!

Terdoh: Guys, we are back!!! Hi-5 Dee my fellow history maker

Grey & Terdoh: Yo Saks, we just made history…Saks…Saks…

 

To Hit or Not

So, I may or may not have been watching an ensuing argument in the upville house of the Big Brother Stargame last sunday when my interest was piqued by the Particular Topic the housemates were yapping about.

In an intense fight. With your Partner. In a Committed relationship. Is it Okay. To hit, or not to Hit.

This Argument tickled me silly because:
1) Of all issues to discuss (like How to achieve World Peace, What to do about Global warming, The Glory & beauty of Plantain & egg sauce etc.) these folk gave Preeminence to THAT issue.

2) Everything tickles me Silly (//?\\)

3) The Argument made me remember Teejay’s Relationship. You’ll understand why in a bit.

Well, we hope to answer at the end, atink…

*editors sidebar: Just incase you don’t know, this is the point where you get your duvet and turn up your room heater*

Back then in school, i had a rented apartment off Campus. In my Compound alone there were close to 7 other apartments (BQ inclusive), all being Occupied by Students. Different Calibres of Human Beings: Males, Females … Then Teejay & His Girlfriend.

The Reason why I know that in Love, the Answer to that “To hit Or Not to Hit” question is very Dynamic is because I, along with the other tenants, were witnesses for almost a Year to the Freak show that was Teejay’s Relationship.

The First time we had cause to be alarmed about the new couple that just moved in to the BQ was when we were all rudely awakened one Night by Screams and Sounds of Objects breaking. We Rushed out, barely dressed, thinking the Compound was under siege by Mutant Armed Robbers or something.

It was Not.

In front of the BQ, we found Teejay Kneeling down while his screaming Girlfriend was tugging at his tee shirt, half pulling him through the Gravel on his knees.

To Start with, Teejay was not a Small Man. You know Flo ryda? The Musician? That’s EXACTLY how Teejay’s Physique was. Beard and all. And his Girlfriend had the Stature of MoCheddar.

Mo’ cheddah.. -___-

Flo-rida 😀

So we, the Tenants, could not understand how the feck this Scene was happening. I mean, with the Laws of Physics being the Laws of physics …

Apparently, the Girl was helping Teejay understand that he Simply Should not be seen holding hands with other girls in Public, we came to find out.

We separated the Fight. They calmed down. We all went back to sleep.

Little did we know That was the Most Domestic Squabble they would ever have. (That We knew of)

There was that one time we all came back from school and Discovered that Teejay had Padlocked the Central Compound Gate with HIS own Padlock and refused to allow us in because he suspected that his Babe was in their apartment with another man, and he was waiting for them to open the door.

She wasn’t. But Teejay had been abused for so long, he was starting to see things.

That’s when we started to realize maybe we ought to report happenings to the Landlord. We were coming to understand that Teejay and his Mate seemed to want us to waste our house rent money with their behaviour.

Or the Other time the babe burnt most of Teejay’s Clothing in a Mini-bonfire in the centre of the Compound.

Or the Countless Nights we’d hear Teejay’s Weeping floating through our windows on the wind.

Is it until she kills me?

Anyway, after having witnessed so many of these Nollywood-like incidences most of us became used to the dramatic couple’s incessant public linen washing, drying & ironing and we carried on life as usual.

Until the day Teejay asked his Girlfriend to Move Out.

Ghen Ghen!!!!

We all had to Rush out again because we thought Either an Earthquake was Happening, Or a small Bomb had been Lobbed into our Compound without our Permission.

Broken Bottles Everywhere, The Babe had thrown Virtually all Teejay’s Electronics & Appliances outside their BQ.

The things we heard that day about the Screaming Couple from the Screaming Couple ehn?

They blamed each other for EVERYTHING. Their Bad Sex life, Teejay’s Carry overs, the Babe’s inability to gain admission to school, Teejay’s Addictions, the Babe’s family history *Stop! Grey you’re killing me. buahahaha* the fact Teejay had no Car, the babe’s inability to have an Orgasm … EVERYTHING.

After a long while of Throwing things in this version and Both their Voices were hoarse with Screaming, Teejay said something he Perhaps should not have said at the Moment.

“Pack Your Things And Go Or So help me God, I WILL SLAP YOU!”

Shit is about to go down yo…

This was New to us all. Even to Teejay. The ensuing Silence was deafening as Observers and Fighters all individually tried to Process this unusual Twist in the now familiar Plot we were accustomed to.

Then Suddenly, as if her Batteries had just Recharged, the girl’s voice went into Chipmunk mode.

I imagined she screamed something that sounded like “EHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!! SO YOU WANT TO SLAP ME ABI?” While clapping and going forward to grab Teejay by the neck.

We had never known Teejay to be Violent so What happened Next was so XQSP%GXZBYTPLQXYZ!!!! (//_\\)

KPAS!!!

The Slap landed Smack on the Middle of the Babe’s forehead even as she was screaming “SHEBI IT’S SLAP YOU WANT TO SLAP… YOU MUST SLAP THAT SLAP TODAY OR YOU’RE A BASTAR— ”

*editors sidebar: LMAO!!! reminds me of the now famous DKB slap..oh, i’m sorry carry on Grey…*

Hehehe..hehe..he hit her..hehe.

The Silence Again was Overwhelming.

In that brief Period of that Second Silence Teejay surprised us all again and the Girl even More with a Second well timed Backhand that sounded like a terminal Punctuation.

KPOS!!!!

All of us Witnesses Gasped out a Collective “AAH!” …

The Babe, now seemingly slightly Crazed started laughing Softly.

Then She Promised Teejay he was going to Regret this incident.

…I’m not even joking yo.

Then Teejay screamed about how she could do nothing.

We Separated them at this Point and the Girl left the Compound promising death and Doom and Problems.

It was later that evening the Police Van Came. I learnt they Packed along some Observers too along with Teejay in the back of the Police Van en route the Station to explain their Versions of what they witnessed. :’)

Of course, yours Truly serves a Living God. I was not among those Unfortunate Observers as I was in school at the moment.

That was then. Learnt quite recently that Teejay and the Girl have now done their introductions and are getting married sometime this year.

You See?

So, the “To Hit Or Not To Hit” Question depends on the Relationship. But Generally, life (being life) does not Permit Males to Physically Treat the Fuck up(s) of Females. Unfair, you Guys say? They can Verbally beat you up, you Guys say? Well, learn how to Verbally fight Tai-Chi too & See if that don’t make a Difference. Just don’t Overdo it. So the Missus don’t go learning ACTUAL Tai-chi. ‘Cause if all you’ve got is your Verbal Attacks, & she Knows Tai-chi, She’s Gonn’ FACK you Up.

Guys, if you enjoy being hit, by all means … Buy her a Whip even. But Do Not Hit a Lady. Please.

Unless She hits your Mother (First).

Or your Mother hit her and your Mom ain’t know she Knows Tai chi. And she Murks your Ma all over the Kitchen floor.

…Or Unless you’re Teejay 🙂

To God Be The Glory

@TheGreyGenesis

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Look i’m not even about to start another debate on here as to whether slaps, hits and all that shi-bang are good or bad. We just tell Cool stories here. So yeah…this is where you go to the comment box and stroke our ego with your comments. and if you write shit like “Cool story” I swear, i’ll find you and hit you.

sidebar: All Stories are completely the Intellectual property of TheGreyGenesis. All pictures, and sidebars are my googled property. Thanks.

@Sirkastiq

On a scale of 1 to BadAss

Well Aloha and welcome again. As was stated in my last post, we do have new writers and categories. This category is titled “Cool Stories of our lives” and is solely run by @TheGreyGenesis. I don’t think he needs any introduction as you must have read his debut post www.tscng.wordpress.com/coolstory  I’m just here to do this intro and won’t be in your face any further, Hopefully, this section should be up on sundays so look out for that… yeah, over to you Grey…

———————————————————————————————————————————————————–

In the Name of Your Individual Village Juju(s) I Greet & Welcome you. Please take your Seats \_ \_ \_.

For the Celebs taking time out of their Questionable Schedules to Waste their respective IQs reading something written by me? —–> _-/ _-/ _-/ … Hope the Armrests are Comfy 😀 And For The Abnormalities & Whatnots also reading (like @Sirkastiq, @Cumical and Co.) Here —–> _ _ _ _ _ Those are Newspapers.

Everyone Seated? Okay.

I decided to talk about something Different today. While Picking Beans the other day, I remembered a Scene from the Movie ‘Xmen: The Last Stand’ where Jean’s inner evil spirit had taken Over & was chopping everybody’s individual Daddys’ Asses as if it was Yam & Egg Sauce. And Wolverine kept going towards her, Yea though his skin was Peeling off with each step until he Chooked that Bitch some Adamantium Akpako. And I thought to myself.

Me: Self?

Self: Kilonpop?

Me: Cocopops

Self: -__-

Me: Forgive me. I Can’t help it. Anyways, if we had to rate Hugh Jackman as Wolverine on a Scale of 1 to BadAss, what will we Score that Hairy FotherMucker?

Me & Self (together): 9 Over BadAss!!! ^_^

Oh? Not him? shit! *rummages through pictures*

So I stopped the Bean Picking and decided to write about Those Kick Ass Characters in Movies and what their Ratings should be on a Scale of 1 to BadAss. (At this Point, if you’re Not into Movies N’shit, And you have Brain Fluid … Shey you know you should stop reading & Go and be Great somewhere else Ba?)  Toh.

So, Let me start with the Grand Popc of the “Daddy be a Bottle of Zobo” Movies. Uncle Jet Li. You CANNOT watch a Jet Li movie without thinking at one point or the Other “Don’t Fucking Piss Me Off!” How that Chinese Niggur Gonn’ wear Pure white & Beat the Yesterday Out the Tomorrow of an ENTIRE VILLAGE OF GROWN ASS ADULT NINJAS Without Getting a Single Stain? o_O Specifically speaking tho, let’s Rate Jet on his Character’s Performance in the Movie “The One”(The Bad Guy Jet li). On a Scale of 1 to BadAss? —-? 7. It should be a 5 self because of all those Zobo they tried to feed us. (??? )

STOP THE WASH. I USE OMO..

Moving On. Gerard Butler as Leonydas in ‘300’. O God! I won’t say much except to say Unto ye, On a scale of 1 to Gerard Butler as Leonydas? —-? BADASS!!! \(???)/

Is that why you’re now shouting?

ok that explains it…

Then we have Brad Pitt as Troy —-? 2. (?_?) I Do Not remember any part of the Movie apart from where he Jumped & Stabbed some Hobo in the Neck. Judge Me.

Kate Beckinsale as the Death-dealing vampire Selene and her tight, tight, TIGHT Leather pants in Underworld *Stops typing and looks towards Vaseline on cabinet Continues Picking Beans* Ehen… Her. On a Scale of 1 to Bad Ass? 9.999999999 Over Bad Ass (?_?)

You can suck my blood all day err’day mami..

Then let’s talk about Keanu Reeves as Neo in Matrix. Neo as a Character was a little bit of a Baby Piglet Considering all those Powers he Had. Imagine if Hugh Jackman AS Wolverine had been THE CHOSEN ONE in The MATRIX? OJIBIJIBIJIBI!!! (//_\\) I would Pay to watch THAT movie with my neighbour’s left Pinkie Finger -if that’s what they say I should bring in Silverbird (._. ) … I give Neo a 5. Just because. But Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith in The Matrix On the Other Hand??? THAT’S WHY WE PAY TO WATCH MOVIES RIGHT THURR! He Gets a Solid 9! His Speech in ‘Matrix Revolutions’, when Neo just wouldn’t lie down & Die like a Well Brought up Child of God, nearly made me Weep. That Speech > Aragon’s Speech in Lord of the Rings > All Obama’s Speeches > Wizkid’s Music (?_?)

Please tell him….

And Speaking of Bad Asses in Lord of the Rings? Can I hear a “Lego”? Give me that “Las”! LEGOLAS!!! The Elf that will Lead us on the day of the Rapture. (^_^) Orlando Bloom as Legolas = 7 Optimus Prime = 9. Please Don’t Argue. I Know where you live. I don’t like beating people & their parents while they sleep. Let it Go. Please. Thank you 🙂

And speaking of Transforming Machines & the Diesel that makes ’em Fast and Furious, Let’s Just all Hold hands and Give the Brother Vin Diesel a 9 for his Performance as Riddick in Pitch Black. Too AWESOME!

I’m sexy and i know it…

And Not Forgetting the Best Actor to Ever Portray the Martini Sipping-Hot Chicks Astraffing-Gun Toting Agent 007, Pierce Brosnan. A 6 for his Bad Ass delivery in Tomorrow never dies. And I Have to Mention Gerard Butler Again for his Role in ‘Law Abiding Citizen’. THAT … Was an Epic Bad Ass of a Character. Can you imagine someone telling you he’ll Kill ALL your friends? And you lock him in Jail and sit watching him in the Jail? And without leaving your Presence, ELIMINATES ALL your Friends? :O Naah Fam. He deserves a 9 for that Shii

Words on Point

Rooney Mara in ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ … *Starts Picking Beans* * * * Wesley Snipes as ‘Blade’. —-? 7 Heath Ledger as the Joker in Dark Knight Gets a 9. Too Too Insane. Then I would rather Call Jack Black as Po in “Kungfu Panda” a Bad Ass than Give Matt Damon any Credit for being a Kick Ass for Pleasure type ‘a Nigga for his Portrayal of Jason Bourne in the Bourne Saga.

Now look at People like Jason Statham. Like I can’t even take them seriously. That Dude looks like a wealthy Soccer Player. What he doing trying to steal cars and Attempting Karate? Is it not the Same God that Created Beckham that Created him? What’s his Problem then? O_o

Idris Elba as The Guardian in ‘Thor’ —-? 5 Kiefer sutherland As Jack Bauer? QXZP&GDJBXZQ%GPKXPQZXY!!!!!!!! NO ONE MAN CAN BE SO JACK BAUER! Badass Over Badass On Badass. Jack Bauer CAN Beat your Daddy. And Mine too. Again, Do Not Argue -_-

Tea Bag from Prison Break? That’s another Basket Case Coconut Hardened Criminal Character. For his Portrayal —-? 8 Alan Rickman as Severus Snape in Harry Potter … THIS DUDE Petrified me More than Voldemort. Well, Almost. He gets a 7.

Steven Segal is Just NOT okay. Which movie do I want to begin Citing? Segal in any Movie? The Bad Guy OR Good Guy (whoever is against Him) Must be Knacked the Akpako of Broken Bones and Confusion. 9 And Last but not the Least (For Grey is Tired & This is Not a Novel Gaddemit) The One… The Only… Let me Give you a Clue about the Most Dangerous, Most Legendary, Most Zoboless Bad Ass Second to None (well, maybe Second to Jackie Chan) According to You People, This Bad ass walked into a Mr Biggs and Ordered for Chicken From SFC… AND THEY BROUGHT IT TO HIM. This Bad Ass Was involved in a Knife Fight with a Knife… AND THE KNIFE LOST. Ladies And Gentlemen And Other Things Unmentionable @Sirkastiq and @Cumical … I present to you the Bad Ass of Our Time with a Rating of WORSTASS over BADASS … CHUCK NORRIS (^?^)

No shit..

Kardashian Influenced behavior… smh

Now Go Away. *Continues Picking Beans*

Cool Story

Why hello good people and bienvenué to TSC. Today I’m just gonna go straight into it, we’ve got a guest post from a cool dude, cool because he tells the coolest stories around. Like his stories always get me in stitches. I was privileged to read one such on my TL and i had to snap him up sharply like Sir Alex did Chicharito. I’ll step aside and let you enjoy this piece by @TheGreyGenesis … See you on the other side
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I wondered & wondered which of the ‘Jesus Take me Away’ experiences that Constitutes my small life so Far I wanted to share with you people today.

I was Picking beans last Thursday night when It Occurred to me that I had only told a few people One of the Most Humbling & Humiliating experiences of my entire Secondary School Life. Today, i shall share it with you. Stay Tuned.

P.S .. The expression “Picking Beans” in my head is ALWAYS a Euphemism for anything I’m doing at some moment which I Would not in a 1000 years admit to. Anything Except, of course, Actually Picking Honest-to-God Beans (Who does that right?) (-_-)

Anyway, I had just resumed & Started (my Journey towards Mordor) Jss 1 as a Boarding Student & I was Small. Without Common sense. And Over indulged.

The WORST Combination.

Get my drift?

For you see, the parents thought they had paid School Fees to the F.G.C for my betterment. They Obviously must not have seen the part on the Brochure that said, welcome to the Wild. Actually, the WILD is a humane thing to nickname my Alma mater … You’ll soon understand why. Let me introduce, at this Point, a Young lad named Emenike. The Misfortune that later came to befall Emenike, through no fault of his, was as a result of us having been neighbors back home. When I got admission, my Pops and the Pops of Emenike got together & decided that Since Emenike was an SS 1 student at the time, he would look out for me. Sort of like a School Father. Emenike Agreed. Poor Emenike :’)

Yeah, you still get my drift yeah?

Anyways, It was on one Bright Saturday afternoon like that. I had finally stopped crying over each new Horror my eyes had been made to see for the first 3 weeks of my inception into the hostel. Before that year, I had never seen a Human being connect a Leather Belt to the Bare back of another Human being. Nor, did I believe it could happen. I didn’t even believe the ones I had been seeing in Movies were real. By God who made me, They were Real. This I came to witness. :’) 3 Weeks in though, I was not yet a Partaker (Recipient) of the horror. Merely a witness :’) This Particular Saturday Changed EVERYTHING.(//_\\) So there I was, crying about one thing or the other I had witnessed & Generally feeling like Shit when this Bastard baby Senior dropped an empty Bucket in front of me. I peered at him through tear filled eyes. “Can I help you?” I asked. “Go & Fetch me Water.” He Said. I was like o_O ??? … He was like O_o !!!

My purely innocent look

Bastard Senior’s look…-__-

I ran away. I Felt thirsty, so I went to the Manual pumping Borehole. There was a Senior there pumping the lever while water slushed into his bucket. A Gorilla of a Boy. The fists he was Pumping the lever with were like Twice the size of my then small head. EACH. Did I tell you I had no Common sense whatsoever back then? Did you believe me? No? Okay. Here’s what I did next. (⌣_⌣) I dipped my hand beneath the Tap, lowered my mouth & Drank the water from my hand, letting the remnant from my mouth trickle into the bucket. I should have known something was Wrong when I heard the Creaky lever Stop pumping. I wanted to ask the Senior why he had stopped pumping for me to drink. And Dearly beloved, Just as I raised my face to ask whatsup?

TOZA! TOZA!

Pictorial representation of “the TOZA!”

I wanted to DIE! The Pain! O My God, the Pain! BLOOD OF JEHOSHAPHAT The two Slaps Sounded like Simultaneous Gunshots On a Beats By Dre headphone at the Loudest Volume. My face felt like it had been erased. For almost a minute I could not See at all. I could not Smell. I could only hear this high pitched “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN” When I realized I hadn’t died afterall, I took one Looooong look of Disbelief at the Senior. “You Slapped Me?” My Rapidly Swelling lips quivered as I asked. I NEEDED TO BE SURE He took another step towards me & raised his Arm to reaffirm my Suspicion with another one. I suddenly got it. Quick as Lightning I jumped away & Started running towards the Hostel.

Need i say more?

On my way I met the First senior that had sent me to fetch him water. Apparently he could find no Juniors so he was headed to the Borehole by himself. “Come here! Your Father! You ran away ba?” I didn’t even answer him. Just kept running towards the Hostel. Towards Someone to Avenge me. Towards Poor, Poor Emenike :’) That’s how I cried & Cried & Reported the idiot to Emenike. Emenike bristled with Anger and Started storming with me in tow from the hostel to the borehole. All along Emenike thought it was my mate that did that to me :’) The Gorilla Boy was still there at the Borehole. So was the other senior.

I pointed at them. “That one is the one that Slapped me. That other one wanted to Send me to fetch him water.” I Reported I watched as the Blood drain from Emenike’s Light skinned small Calabar face as he suddenly started to put 2 & 2 Together. “And you came to Report THEM to ME???” He Squealed Gorilla Boy laughed and jumped down. His Lacoste Belt was already swinging as he Ordered Emenike, the School Father, to first Lie down Flat on the Muddy earth. The other Senior Came down from the borehole too, belt in hand. As they Beat the Facked up Shit out of the Howling Emenike, it occurred to me that My School Father was MERELY an SS 1 Student sha. It never Occurred to me that these People were SS3 Students (O_O) Then they made me lie down beside my SS1 School Father. \\ ( -̩̩̩͡˛-̩̩̩͡ ) //

Erm…but you know this isn’t the real thing yeah?

That, Dear Reader, is the Story of How I first realized that Sinzu is Sinzu. I still have Marks till this Day, from that Beating. 😥

Till Today, Emenike & his Family never again Spoke to Me … Nor My Family :’)

*Continues Picking Beans*

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See why I didn’t say much? Dammy is a special person and his stories are just…its the way he tells it, Brilliant stuff. I’m guessing we’ll be having more of him on TSC. Alright till later yo…Look out for my guest appearances on blogs close to you.