The Nigga Fall Of Man

Hey yo yo…whatitdo yo? what-it-doooo? Oh I’m sorry. I’ll get out your hair in a teeny weeny bit. Sirkastiq here welcoming you to your favorite blog *side-eye TNC* and we’re gonna get straight to what we’re here for. Ok enjoy…

I have said, You are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.

Psalm 82:6

Or as we would like to say in the context of the post you are about to read:

I have holla’d, Yo ass is gods; n’ all of yo ass is lil pimpz of da most thugged-out High.

Disclaimer: This post has the tenacity to raise several religious concerns. Well, we don’t exactly expect anyone seek us for burning purposes but like take a chill pill and enjoy literary genius. This wasn’t written to spite anyone or belittle beliefs, we just um…allowed our mind wander. So yeah…

Or as we would like to say in the context of the post you are about to read:

Disclaimer: This post has tha tenacitizzle ta raise nuff muthafuckin religious concerns. Well, our phat asses don’t exactly expect mah playas seek our asses fo’ burnin purposes but like take a cold-ass lil chill pill n’ trip off literary  smart-ass . This wasn’t freestyled ta spite mah playas or belil beliefs, our laid-back asses just um…allowed our mind wander n’ shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So yeah…

Ladies and Gents… @Cumical

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In the beginning, there was darkness and all that evil shit. Before then, there was some sorta war and Angel Gabe and the rest whooped that bitch nigga Lucifer’s ass and sent him crashing down to earth like hoes panties. But we ain’t gon delve into that today, that shit don’t bring no offering.

Fast forward a couple millennia and one day, after doing some awesome stuff and creating entire planets from thin air, God looks at Himself in one of the heavenly mirrors and says “Whoa! I really am good looking”, so He says “Let us make man in our image”, and the angels started making man in His reflection in the mirror, but God was like “no dum dums, not that image.”

So God created man out of dirt and breathed into him the breath of life and he was all alive nshit.

And Adam was black cos he was made from soil, and you don’t see no white soil. Soil is brown dammit.

And then God told him “Look at all this, it’s yours. Do with it as you please”. And Adam acted a fucking fool! Adam turned up every night in the Garden of Eden. Understand that Adam didn’t have no clothes on or nothing. Now imagine a butt ass naked black man doing cartwheels and climbing trees nshit. God was so ashamed.

So God said “It is not good for man to be alone” cos the lil’ nigga needed a woman to keep him in check. Single niggas ain’t as mature as them niggas in functional relationships. So God put his black ass to sleep and took out one of his ribs and created a woman from it. And you know how much black men love their ribs.

God had it all planned out.

When Adam saw the woman, he was all in love nshit. He went from nigga to poet. Like “this is bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called Eve.” And I don’t know where he learnt English but he was suddenly all verse in the language and what not.

Then God wanted to test Adam’s loyalty, so he said “see that Apple tree? You ain’t allowed to enjoy the fruit that comes out of it. Aii? Cool. If you do, you die.”

And Adam was like “whoa!”

But Eve wasn’t even listening. Eve was prolly doing her nails or some shit. Or planning to hang out with the girls…

So Adam went back to doing his lil’ nigga shit but he had to tone it down a little cos he was a married man now. But a nigga gon be a nigga. However, he stopped calling the animals “nigga”, and “ma nigga” and had to give them actual names cos he couldn’t introduce Eve to the elephant and the mouse and be like “That’s big nigga, and that’s lil squeaky nigga”.

Meanwhile, Eve was busy doing whatever the heck bitches did back in the day. I dunno, prolly planning to take a diet from all that fatty tree food she had been having. You know how bitches do…

Now let me make it clear at this point, that Eve was neither fat or slim. Because to be fat, there had to be something/someone to compare you to, and Eve was the only woman on earth. Also, there was no such thing as a “wrong hole”, or a hymen. There was no pain, so Adam could stick it anywhere. And Adam didn’t have a big dick, or a little dick. Adam simply had a dick. There was nobody to compare him to, so Adam’s dick was just perfect. Until Cain and Abel came along and there was room for comparison, but we’ll get to that later.

Let’s not get shit twisted tho. Adam was packing. No homo. We know that Adam was a black man, so he had that shit covered nahmean?

Anyway, Eve was chilling in the Garden one Tuesday, wait…yeah, it was a Tuesday. And some snake crept up to her and was like “Pssst! Bitch, can I holler at you for a hot minute? Got sssssome shit I’d like to sssshow you”

And Eve was like “nah lil slimy nigga. I got a man. And my man has two jobs.”

And the snake knew she was lying cos everyone knew Adam had only one job. And the pay wasn’t much, but he got off work early. So the snake was like “Bitch pleassse. It’ll just be a minute. Lemme holler at you at the back of the club.”

So Eve gave in cos she had nothing better to do, being a jobless hoe and what not. And the snake took her to the center of the jungle and she saw the apple tree.

And Eve was like “Hey, I remember God saying some shit like we shouldn’t look at this tree or nothing, cos we was gon’ die.”

And again, the snake knew she was lying, cos God didn’t say nothing like that. And the snake was like, “well you looking at it, ain’t you? I don’t see you dying or nothing. So might as well enjoy this apple shit. Ain’t nothing wrong with a little experimenting.”

And the snake slid up to the top and plucked a white iPhone. And was like “This the new 5G. Go on, take a selfie.”

And you know how bitches love iPhones…

And selfies…

And Eve touched the screen, and saw that the iOS was good. And pleasant to the eye. And Eve took pictures of herself and uploaded on Instagram like “Chilling in the Garden with @Snake_The_Tricksta”. And you know she had no clothes on, so they were nudes and all, and nobody wants their wife posting half/full naked pictures on the internet. So we can all conclude that Eve was a hoe.

Then Adam came back from work early as usual and found Eve uploading a video of her twerking and Adam was like “oh no you didn’t!” And Eve took a black iPhone (cos a nigga with a white iPhone just look gay as fuck) and gave him and said “Go on, touch the screen”, and Adam was like “no bitch! No! Imma lose my job” and Eve was like “you gon lose this pussy if you don’t touch that damn screen”, and Adam had to choose between his awesome job with good working hours, and some pussy.

And Adam chose some pussy.

And Adam touched the screen and his eyes were opened, cos he saw some shit on the internet. And when God came to chill with Adam cos God was such a dope Boss, Adam had some questions.

And Adam was like “wus Good God? Okay, so I was thinking. The angels yeah, when they having sex, does the female angel ask the male to “pull my wings”?”

And God was like “wuuut?”

And God lowered His glasses and God saw that Adam was getting nudes on iMessage from Eve on his iPhone. And God knew that Adam had disobeyed Him. And God banished Adam and what not. And that’s how Adam fell.

Like hoes panties.

Moral of the goddamn service: if your hoe on instagram twerking and she got nudes or half naked pictures on the internet, you best leave while you got the chance. That hoe gon’ bring you and the whole of mankind down.

Pass the offering bowl.

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Rant Six (Double)

Hey guys,

Yeah, the “AARRGGHH” section took a back seat for a while because we needed to ensure that the blog maintained it’s diverse content . It was generally beginning to feel like a ‘drop your complaints’ here venue. We don’t despise that because that was our goal, however too much of something can be bad.

But we’re back now…

Applause? Smile?

Ah well, straight to it, Today’s rant is yet by another anonymous sender. You guys are really chicken yeah? But it’s all good, do enjoy and I’ll see you on the flip side

Oh wait…

There’s two rants actually

********

“I need a huge favour from you” says Tade at the other end of the call.

Uh-huh! I thought to myself…. “Go ahead, what’s it?”

” I need ₦ 150,000, its extremely urgent. Please, I know its just January and we just finished the festive period and all but I really need it badly. I’ll pay you back latest March ending, I promise. With interest sef.”

I went mute.

“Are you there?”

“Yes, I am Tade. ₦ 150k is quite much, I’m really rich at the moment.”

“Lara, I know. Please try for me I beg. I know you can give me if you want to. I won’t disappoint you.”

After much persuading, I gave in.
I gave him the money end of January (my salary) and added some of little savings.
3days later, Tade bought a Blackberry Z10…
And I drank garri throughout February.

Debtors.

These people are next to Devil’s heart. Amean, they should have a special place in hell.
They are the reason there’s famine, recession, depression, oppression, tribulations, corruption, kidnapping….you name it.

We are in July now and I have only received ₦ 50,000 from my so called friend. He has tried yeah? If I slap your face with a rotten fish.

That’s not even what’s paining me. Mba.
Its the fact that he BALLS! I’m talking BIG TIME. Then he flaunts his “balling” pictures on bbm and instagram; updates his PM about how much he’s living life. I’m not even hating, just pay me my money.

He celebrated his birthday in June and took about 20 of his friends to see MAN OF STEEL. I wasn’t even invited. Yes, I’m very pained.
it can pain
At the end of each month since March, he comes up with one “how-broke-i-am” story.
“Please, I promise next month. No vex” he says.

If this Nigga doesn’t gimme my kudi by month’s end, I’m gonna go all DMX on him!
“GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE; PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE.”

AAARRRGGHHH!!!! Haven’t I tried?

********

I’m just going to imagine that the nigga is dead now or you’re about N100k richer. Whichever one it is, I’m sure you feel much better and that’s the most important factor to consider. See, that’s how one guy was dragging my money with me one time and i CAPS LOCKED him to death via Internet. I mean, how didn’t he know I was an Online gangsta? Niggas shouldn’t mess with me.

I’m sorry I’m deviating.

My advice: If you’re going to borrow anyone money, ensure that you don’t have them on BB or follow them on Instagram.

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Oh yes, there’s one more…

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I hate Lagos. There, I said it. Sue me.

As I sit here writing this arrgh confessional, I think about how much I wanted to come here and recreate the life I always wanted.  F**k it, I don’t have that life yet but hey, don’t blame me, blame it on the city!

Let me begin by saying that this weather is killing me slowly.  The first time I came I felt someone was trying to murder me by suffocation with a pillow. Then I overexposed myself to the elements, got a cold that lasted for months and a heat rash from the neck down to go with it.  This meant that I couldn’t sleep at night without some form of covering but could hardly sleep at all with the heat rash being coming alive and feeding on my moisture.  The result? The voice of an agbero and the skin of a snake shedding its old skin.  Arg… *clears throat* Arrrrgh!

Then the floods! What is it with the drainage system in this state?  For the love of God!! ArGH!  The first day my bus got stuck in the middle of the road, I had to swim in knee-deep water to get another bus. Ruined my fashionable trench coat and did nothing to improve my cold.

The young men in Lagos are annoying, seriously. I don’t know if it’s just me but their idea of romance is WHACK!  Did I say romance?  I’m sorry, but I don’t think they even know the word exists!  Yes, some of us are old-fashioned and love to be wooed and engage in some good ol’ intellectual conversation.  We are not interested in the size of your “Free Willy” or having a sleep-over with you just 12 hours after you get our BB, eww!

Thank you traffic, for taking hours off the time I would normally use to get some extra rest and read an interesting book or catch up with old friends on the phone.  Thank you for taking years off my life span and giving me headaches and back pains.  Instead of thinking of that drink/movie I could’ve had with the hopefully smart cute guy after work today, I have to put you on my top priority list, say no to him just so that I can get home early enough not to regret going out and coming home late while cursing the guy under my breath for not dropping me off with his own car cause my area is traffic-ridden. My dad should be grateful to you for turning his once adventurous daughter into a responsible antisocial freak.  Thank you, but do you see me smiling? ARGGGGGHHHH!

Yes, I hate Lagos because it’s not been easy for an independent chick who is hell-bent on making her money in the most decent ways she can afford to, but if there is one thing you should know: I ain’t going nowhere!  Just like the good wife I’m going to stay, patiently let Lagos f**k me up, down and sideways – all the while smiling – but after he’s done, I’m going to collect my dues, every. Single. Kobo. Of. It. 😐

But for now. Arrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

-CrazyInMyHead.

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My advice: I would have referred you to the 35 other states we have but you have decided to stay and get fucked left, right and center. That’s ok. All I can say now then is um…that dues collection…um…are you aware we don’t use kobo anymore? So what is the need?

MuSick 2

Greetings, mortals.

Good whatever time it is wherever it is that you’re reading this cos you know we international nshit. Different time zones ma nigga. Instagram that shit… And we know you people are too lazy to read this when it gets published. So yeah, good whatever time it is wherever you are.

I hope y’all are good. Not doing anything harmful to the planet like burning down rainforests and allowing idiots to live and all that detrimental stuff. Remember this is the only planet with boobs. Let’s keep it safe.

First of all, it’s been a pretty long time since I sat down to write some shit cos I wanted to, not cos I had to. And truth be told, I miss writing for myself or for fun and not writing for money, but it’s all good.  Let’s get to today’s agenda, shall we?

Disclaimer!!!

God I miss doing that…

First things first, Sirkastiq made me do this. So if it is not funny, as it probably won’t be, take it up with management. Also, I’m just coming from a drought so bear with me. This is a follow up post so the disclaimer from the last post applies. Like inheritance.

Also, if you hate the post, why you mad? Did I ask you to read?

Wait…

I did.

Oh, my bad.

Moving on…

Today’s post is a sequel to this one done by Sirkastiq addressing the issue of artists in Nigeria and the ‘music’ they roll out on a daily, weekly basis. So it’s only right that I spit a few bars myself. Here we go.

Ice Prince

Now that we have established I’m the greatest, let’s move on to all the other artists who claim to be…

Burna Boy

First Name: Bunsen.

Genre: Naija jollof music, afro beat, Fela type shit, I dunno where to put his reggae singing ass.

This nigga here is probably the best thing since Majek Fashek except well, he has no dreadlocks. He does sing the most amazing shit. I slept on him (no homo) then I discovered his songs in my downloads folder once and since then, I fucks with the homie (no homo)…

I swear, I’m not doing this gay shit on purpose.

I’ve had his songs on repeat since I started listening to him and I’m not going to make this a music review. He does sound a lot like Fela mixed with Razzkimono and Blackky. Some refined Yoruba vibe.

I heard he’s 19. Then 21. Then 22. In like 3 weeks. So I guess he’s also the next Blue Ivy Carter or Benjamin Button. This of course depends on what kinda ties you have with him. Shirt! I’m too awesome.

Let’s also not forget that he’s brought the 90’s back with his fashion style. What y’all don’t know is Burna was really suffering nshit and couldn’t afford them new whips so he dug into his wardrobe and went back about 13 years. Now y’all wearing flowery shirts and circular glasses thinking he brought sexy back. puh-lease.

As you wear those shades though, remember to rise you know, just in case you fall

tonto

and then Tonto fell...So she was a problem. Hmmm...

and then Tonto fell…So she was a problem. Hmmm…

I’m rooting for the nigga though. He’s the next big thing. He’s gonna blow.

No homo.

 

Black Magic.

First Name: Kiwi.

Last Name: Repete. Mo Se Daadaa, Mo Se Jeje Oh.

Genre: Rap, Hip Hop, Afro Beat, see I dunno. Nigerian artists never stay in one genre abeg. Even Iyanya wants to rap.

Look, don’t Google his name if you don’t want to be initiated into the Dark Arts. But the first thing I would say is that a lot of artists today seem to have been influenced by Fela.

And just as I typed that, Jaiye Jaiye came on so we’re gonna take 5 minutes and just scatter the floor.

*scatters floor*

*still scattering floor*

Ahhh…that was refreshing. Now yeah, so Black magic popped onto the scene like a molly rocking Tom Ford. Haha! I just had to throw in some Magna Carta shit in there cos I’m ill or mean atink.

I’m sorry, I’m deviating. Here’s the real truth; Black magic is generally loved by all (especially the ladies.) I don’t know if its the voice or his simple nature. I mean homeboy be rocking his shirts and Ankara pants like he’s some turkey but we ain’t mad. His laid back flows just make you wanna jump into a booth and record a joint  cos you be really believing that you are now the man.

Black Magic creates just that, magic. In your earphones…What he does is simply amazing. I have nothing bad to say about him except “what the fuck dude? Ssup with the name Ejay? You tryna join the illuminatti? Fuck errbady

If you haven’t heard songs like Rainbow and Repete, you should. And then there’s the Bastards song with the three wise men. The boy got gifts like the Tooth Fairy. Rap, sing, and tweet like crazy. But nobody is complaining.

Trying to pull an Iyanya are we? Why you got a belly bun instead of a buitton?

Trying to pull an Iyanya are we? Why you got a belly bun instead of a button?

 

Davido

First Name: On The Beat It’s…

Genre: Jollof music, gbedu. Gibberish

Omo Baba Olowo is a man who is apparently stuck in time. Been 19 since 2004, but we don’t care about that. DO we? No. We just enjoy the music he makes.

Started from the bottom...

Started from the bottom…

Fun Fact: You cannot play Davido’s classic hits without becoming an accomplished drummer with a complete invisible drum set that moves as you glide across the room.

The only thing we all hate about Davido is the fact that he seems to have had too much money before he could handle it. So the boy is power/fame drunk and does whatever he wants. Outside the studio, he’s a douche, inside the studio, he’s a god.

However, his videos are never accurate. Because in Gobe, Alliyou, and even Ekuro, he was bagging bad bitches. But we all know that the women we have seen with him in pictures are all dementors.

Girl #1

Now we here….Girl #1

Nobody is complaining though, keep slapping police officers, and taking “I’m sleep” pictures with Estelle looking hoes, as long as you make good music for all of us, we’re good Davido.

Girl #2

Girl #2

We’re good…Just make sure you be seizing these girls’ phones my man

 

P Square

First Name: Peder.

Middle Name: And Poor…

Genre: more Jollof music. You don’t have to make sense.

These niggas…

These damn niggas.

Look, I’ll give it to them, they can dance. But that’s where it ends. It culminates, it expires there. These niggas can’t do shit but choreograph. They should have both been video vixens. Where do I begin?

Let me just talk about this Personally track and leave. Who gave these guys a microphone? Did they sneak into a studio? What the hell though?

“Girl exceptionally

The reason na spiritually

Money speaking

So drastically

Magically.. internationally

Haba..habatically

Grammar… na for dictionary

Saga..but she no wan gree

She talk say she no wan leave”

These…are song lyrics.

Look, I won’t even talk. I will let the general public speak for themselves.

PSquare1

PSquare2

I would like to rest my case here and say P Square should continue making their money yeah, I’m not hating, but please PLEASE leave the songwriting to someone who actually has something to say. You can make good music and still have some meaning in your song. It has been done.

You Chris Brown wanna be like MJ wanna be niggas better get the fuck off the microphone. Nobody wants to hear you speak. Literally…nobody.

With your igbo h-factor laden accent.

“Hi ham Peder. Hi ham Poor”

Gaddemmit I’m pissed.

*uses my soothing words*

Titties…titties…more titties.

*sigh*

Always helps.

Yes, that’ll be all for today’s post ma people.  We do have something special planned for you in the very near future, so if you haven’t, don’t forget to subscribe.

And that said, I will leave you with this very great quote from ma old friend.

“There comes a time where every female should send nudes to the dope males in their lives. If you know any dope males, send him nudes today. Just do it hoe.” – Solomon.

Peace.