Rant Six (Double)

Hey guys,

Yeah, the “AARRGGHH” section took a back seat for a while because we needed to ensure that the blog maintained it’s diverse content . It was generally beginning to feel like a ‘drop your complaints’ here venue. We don’t despise that because that was our goal, however too much of something can be bad.

But we’re back now…

Applause? Smile?

Ah well, straight to it, Today’s rant is yet by another anonymous sender. You guys are really chicken yeah? But it’s all good, do enjoy and I’ll see you on the flip side

Oh wait…

There’s two rants actually

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“I need a huge favour from you” says Tade at the other end of the call.

Uh-huh! I thought to myself…. “Go ahead, what’s it?”

” I need ₦ 150,000, its extremely urgent. Please, I know its just January and we just finished the festive period and all but I really need it badly. I’ll pay you back latest March ending, I promise. With interest sef.”

I went mute.

“Are you there?”

“Yes, I am Tade. ₦ 150k is quite much, I’m really rich at the moment.”

“Lara, I know. Please try for me I beg. I know you can give me if you want to. I won’t disappoint you.”

After much persuading, I gave in.
I gave him the money end of January (my salary) and added some of little savings.
3days later, Tade bought a Blackberry Z10…
And I drank garri throughout February.

Debtors.

These people are next to Devil’s heart. Amean, they should have a special place in hell.
They are the reason there’s famine, recession, depression, oppression, tribulations, corruption, kidnapping….you name it.

We are in July now and I have only received ₦ 50,000 from my so called friend. He has tried yeah? If I slap your face with a rotten fish.

That’s not even what’s paining me. Mba.
Its the fact that he BALLS! I’m talking BIG TIME. Then he flaunts his “balling” pictures on bbm and instagram; updates his PM about how much he’s living life. I’m not even hating, just pay me my money.

He celebrated his birthday in June and took about 20 of his friends to see MAN OF STEEL. I wasn’t even invited. Yes, I’m very pained.
it can pain
At the end of each month since March, he comes up with one “how-broke-i-am” story.
“Please, I promise next month. No vex” he says.

If this Nigga doesn’t gimme my kudi by month’s end, I’m gonna go all DMX on him!
“GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE; PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE.”

AAARRRGGHHH!!!! Haven’t I tried?

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I’m just going to imagine that the nigga is dead now or you’re about N100k richer. Whichever one it is, I’m sure you feel much better and that’s the most important factor to consider. See, that’s how one guy was dragging my money with me one time and i CAPS LOCKED him to death via Internet. I mean, how didn’t he know I was an Online gangsta? Niggas shouldn’t mess with me.

I’m sorry I’m deviating.

My advice: If you’re going to borrow anyone money, ensure that you don’t have them on BB or follow them on Instagram.

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Oh yes, there’s one more…

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I hate Lagos. There, I said it. Sue me.

As I sit here writing this arrgh confessional, I think about how much I wanted to come here and recreate the life I always wanted.  F**k it, I don’t have that life yet but hey, don’t blame me, blame it on the city!

Let me begin by saying that this weather is killing me slowly.  The first time I came I felt someone was trying to murder me by suffocation with a pillow. Then I overexposed myself to the elements, got a cold that lasted for months and a heat rash from the neck down to go with it.  This meant that I couldn’t sleep at night without some form of covering but could hardly sleep at all with the heat rash being coming alive and feeding on my moisture.  The result? The voice of an agbero and the skin of a snake shedding its old skin.  Arg… *clears throat* Arrrrgh!

Then the floods! What is it with the drainage system in this state?  For the love of God!! ArGH!  The first day my bus got stuck in the middle of the road, I had to swim in knee-deep water to get another bus. Ruined my fashionable trench coat and did nothing to improve my cold.

The young men in Lagos are annoying, seriously. I don’t know if it’s just me but their idea of romance is WHACK!  Did I say romance?  I’m sorry, but I don’t think they even know the word exists!  Yes, some of us are old-fashioned and love to be wooed and engage in some good ol’ intellectual conversation.  We are not interested in the size of your “Free Willy” or having a sleep-over with you just 12 hours after you get our BB, eww!

Thank you traffic, for taking hours off the time I would normally use to get some extra rest and read an interesting book or catch up with old friends on the phone.  Thank you for taking years off my life span and giving me headaches and back pains.  Instead of thinking of that drink/movie I could’ve had with the hopefully smart cute guy after work today, I have to put you on my top priority list, say no to him just so that I can get home early enough not to regret going out and coming home late while cursing the guy under my breath for not dropping me off with his own car cause my area is traffic-ridden. My dad should be grateful to you for turning his once adventurous daughter into a responsible antisocial freak.  Thank you, but do you see me smiling? ARGGGGGHHHH!

Yes, I hate Lagos because it’s not been easy for an independent chick who is hell-bent on making her money in the most decent ways she can afford to, but if there is one thing you should know: I ain’t going nowhere!  Just like the good wife I’m going to stay, patiently let Lagos f**k me up, down and sideways – all the while smiling – but after he’s done, I’m going to collect my dues, every. Single. Kobo. Of. It. 😐

But for now. Arrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

-CrazyInMyHead.

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My advice: I would have referred you to the 35 other states we have but you have decided to stay and get fucked left, right and center. That’s ok. All I can say now then is um…that dues collection…um…are you aware we don’t use kobo anymore? So what is the need?

Double Rant

Hi guys,

This is TSC (where life is too serious to be taken seriously), death on the other hand can be quite a serious issue. I really wanted to write something special for a friend I lost over the week but I couldn’t bring myself to. Maybe a rant about death will be my AARRGGHH post eventually. However my guys Tokunbo (@0toxic) and Wole (@AlchemistXIII) dld a great job with their tributes. Read them here and here.

Rest In Peace dear Modurodoluwa Ige. I really will miss you.

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Today on AARRGGHH, we have a double package for you guys to savor. Both touch on very important aspects of our existence and I just felt I’d share both today. Do enjoy

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i

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Babies!!!

Weird right? Why the fuck would anybody get that pissed off by babies enough to rant about it? Well my story started many yrs ago after my lil demon (sorry I meant) sister was born. Beautiful baby I must say, fair soft skin, big very adorable clear eyes and those lips! Oh! My God even then we all knew she would grow up gorgeous but when we she opens her lips to “communicate” Arrrgggghhhhh! I always wanted to kill her!

And I seriously mean that.

She’ll usually sleep early and just when you are about to really really start sleeping the demon starts screaming! She starts and she won’t stop! You carry her and the claws come out (literally) she’ll  scratch any exposed skin till she take her due pound and then she’ll scratch some more. We tired de-clawing her but that too was a battle. My baby sister was a baby demon that scared me for life but I tolerated her because she is my baby sister and I was too young and weak to snap her neck.But WHY! WHY!! GOD WHY!!!

I can’t tweet in church peacefully because the latest version of demons are hungry! WHY can’t I just shop, make my hair or even read in peace? Everywhere you turn there is one devil’s agent ready to take me to hell! I’m in a bus traveling on a very bad road and I’m mad as hell and the she-demon decides she is even more annoyed and so I must listen to the devil’s music! And then the mother decides I should help her hold the baby while she get the human flesh to offer to her demon.  Arrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!

Babies are cute I know and I can’t wait to have one. But so what if they are cute and can’t communicate well can’t they at least be considerate? When mummy offers milk suck on that shit like your life depends on it (cos it really does) n shut the fuck up! I hate hate hate miserable babies and I swear every time I’m near a baby that just won’t stop screaming in my head I’m running (like a crazy person) screaming Argggggghhhhhhhh!!!! till I wrap my hands round that fragile neck and stop the screaming permanently!

Oh WOW! Here’s my personal advice: These ‘demons’ as you have chosen to call them are considered blessings to some but trust me, I feel your pain. Here’s what you do. when next the demon starts screaming or crying, look at it with your best poker face and then break out in simultaneous screaming and crying. Trust me, the demon will be shocked and will ultimately shut up. It works like a charm

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ii
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I would like to rant about twitter. Yes, twitter, the place where majority of you spend your existence listening to people who don’t give a shit about your listening and forming flaming swords on top other people’s opinions. Yes, the verse that is twitter is the cynosure of my rant.

It’s not even the voltrons, or the celebs or the down syndrome abbreviators or the attention whores or the wannabe pastors, or the thirst squad (captained by females) or even the husband hunters – awon Indiana Jones; that offend me, no no. You’re all cool beans and some kpankere. Do you know what offends me? The people who ask for a follow back. The team followback. The hashtag I follow back. The now ff please follow back, the team you must listen to what I have to say by fire by force even if I have nothing of interest to say. <insert very apt argggghhhh here>

My brothers, sisters and other sentient beings in tweets, please lend me your ears. Kindly, lovingly, but don’t expect me to lend mine back! As I don’t want to follow you back nko? As you don’t have gist nko? Did I trawl through twitterverse and click on the follow button in your profile? I didn’t? Gee, I wonder why. You think it’s maybe I was waiting for you to follow me first, I was just itching like someone in a nest of bedbugs, twitching like a crackhead, neck bobbing like the friendly neighborhood hoe, just WAITING to follow you right back the minute you followed abi? No nigga! Bye bitch. I don’t want to follow oooo! *claps hands over mouth* Ra ra ra! No! Wa! MBA! I have refused. I’m not following. Unfollow me back if it’s paining you my brother, have some Nyquil for the pain, in fact overdose. Sister mi, if the pain reached your innards, collect some preek. Lay your vex to rest, put your burning, feverish head on a pillow and cool it with a damp cloth, strike thine breast and knoweth thou that there isn’t a followback in your future. *deep breath*

*continues in O’Ren Ishii dulcet tones* What I mean to say is, learn to take a not follow like a G. Collect it with the strength of a pornstar riding shotgun on a mammoth dick. Hold hands and sing kumbaya my brothers and sisters, do anything but please, PLEASE stop asking for followbacks. Your mother already let your raggedy ass slide out her cooch, please let her keep pretending it was worth it. God bless you all. Let’s have coffee sometime.

That’s my rant. Even if it doesn’t get posted, man I said it, it had to be said. Thanks for listening.

Phoenix.

I don’t even know if i should say or add anything to this. I mean, what is this Twitter that this ‘Phoenix’ speaks of? What is a ‘follow back?’ Who are these celebs or cool keeds? So many questions. Do use the comment box to share your opinions and educate us all.

Cheers

Rant Five

Hi Guys,
Grey here.
It’s been one helluva week for us and we’ve been up to a lotta writing. Not here though, I featured on TNC’s “Sins Of The Fathers” series here and so did Sirkastiq here Cumical has been on a break from his usual rounds but he’ll be back this weekend. So if you missed any of our posts, be sure to catch up
Yes
So we all have those particular bitch baby bundles and untidy bales of straw life keeps piling on our metaphorical camels’ backs. Until that moment when life adds that ONE strand of straw. And your camel just cannot take the precise bullshit anymore and you remove the first 3 buttons of your shirt in public, untuck your shirt, ruffle your hair, open the face of your mouth and just go AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Well, yeah. We’ve been receiving posts from you guys about the type of straw your own life wanted to use to put your own camel in a wheelchair without you or your camel’s permission. Today on AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Our guest who prefers to remain anonymous rants about an issue I’m sure most ladies (in her shoes) can relate to. Without further ado…
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Hi TSC,

I dunno how to start this rant but I’m just gonna start anyways.1. I’m 25 (going on 26…ah! Sound of music). I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 16years (close mouth abeg), yep over 9years+. Yet, no ring to show for it. No serious marriage plans.
You know what the annoying part is? All my friends thought I was gonna get married first back in school. Now, even those that were single back then are getting married before me (this life). And of course, I’m always on the train….dancing to “all the single ladies” and jumping to catch the bouquet. I have never caught it.
It got so bad that on 2 occasions, my friends (the Bride) actually walked up to me and handed over the bouquet and said “you’re next.” I just wished the ground could open up and swallow me! Like c’mon I’m not that old nah.
God bless my mum, she doesn’t pester me (much) about marriage. Unlike my Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Neighbours, Colleagues, Boss, Friends….(the list goes on) that have carried it on their head like fila and gele. They always say, “You’re next in line for a miracle” whenever they hear that a friend is getting married.
AAARRRGGHHH!!! Gimme a break please.
And oh, I’m in a long distance relationship.

2. The only thing my mum really pesters me about is the fact that I rarely go out to catch some fun. She says, “this is the best time to hang out with your friends and let your hair down.” Preach my Deaconess mama!
Yielding to her advice, I decided to go out with this guy that has been bugging me for awhile.  We went to Ikeja City Mall for Dinner and a Movie.
While eating at the restaurant, I noticed this guy’s horrible table manner (I mean the whole 9yards). When I couldn’t take it anymore, I snatched my clutch from the table, got up and said “Nah, I can’t put up with this” and headed straight for the exit. Leaving a big O on his mouth while his spoon hung mid air.
I got out and I was thanking who ever came up with the “vex money” rule cos I brought my atm with me. I was just gonna withdraw cash, get a cab and head back home.
As I catwalked to the machine, I searched my clutch for my card, only to realise I’d brought my ID CARD instead of my ATM CARD (see gobe!) I just came to a halt and did a U-turn back to the restaurant without missing a beat.
Luckily, the guy was still there….looking perplexed. I walked up to him and said “Gotcha!!” And laughed like I meant it and he joined in. I sat down and said “Nawa for you ooo, you couldn’t even come after me.” He was like, “I was too dazed to move” with mashed potatoes flying from his mouth.
And I screamed “AAAGGRRHHH!!!!” in my mind.

Anonymous

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There you have it guys. Next time a girl miraculously returns to you after you and your camel have given up on getting lucky? And she says “Gotcha!” or “I was just playing with you”? She has actually thought of leaving you and life didn’t let her. And she’s probably typing a blog post ranting about your gross mashed potato eating ass and sending it to TSC.
Do yourself a favor will you?
Have you played the Street fighter videogame before?
Do you know what Ryu’s uppercut looks and sounds like?
Yeah.
Feel free to use the comment box to share or respond to this post or then again, send yours to us thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com
On behalf of TSC, Grey out. Peace.

Rant Four

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Sarcastic Corner where we do all the inappropriate shit we do because we can dammit. That’s not really the slogan but it works so I’m gonna stick with it.

Today, on AARRGGHH™ (you gotta say that shit with phlegm) we have a dude who goes by…you know what? I’ll just let him speak.

First of all (don’t do that, please don’t say it…you just had to you bleepi…ah whatever) I want to scream about the Lagos traffic. It is straight from the deepest and hottest part of hell. Especially the kind where you are stuck in it for so long that you start making plans to have dinner right there, then get a bed for the night and you start to think of how to freshen up and head to work the next morning all from the same spot. And you know what makes it more infuriating? When you get to a certain point and the traffic magically disappears! Like what the bloody hell?! I get to that point and the road is as free as a…as a…ok I don’t know what to use there but you get the point. I’m like what then was the cause of the traffic in the first place? It’s like all you evil spirits…yes I know there are evil spirits that come on this blog. No sane human being would continue to come back here every time a post goes up. Wait that means I’m not…ok, back to the matter…damn you for singing to that. Ok as I was saying, you all are still with me right? Right? As I was saying, I get to the spot where the road clears up and I’m wondering, did all you evil spirits decide to hold whatever God forsaken carnival it is you guys celebrate at that spot? Like what the fuck caused the hold up in the first place? Aaaaargh!!!

Secondly, when my body, decides to betray me. Especially when I’m stuck in traffic that seems to be going nowhere. That’s when my body decides that it wants to take a leak. I’m like dude just before I left the office I passed by the toilet but you said “nah mehn, I’m good till we get home”. Now I’m stuck in traffic and you suddenly wanna take a pee? Nigga foh! So what I drank that 7Up Free or Pepsi Light? You were the one who said you were thirsty and dehydrated and needed a drink. Now you want to get rid of the liquid waste with immediate effect. And then I try to hold the pee in but my body is like “screw you mehn. I need you to take a leak NOW! I don’t care if you take a drain from the main vein or if it goes out every pore on your body. You gotta go now”. Imagine! My own body! And don’t even get me started on when it’s number two. Sheeeeesh!

Then there is the issue of people farting in a bus. Like why? Why oh why would you decide to fart in a bus that already smells like an Elephant died in there and was left to rot? And worse still the smell of the fart is worse than what the bus already smells of. What in blazes is going on inside that body? Even a troll’s fart can’t smell that bad. What sort of wickedness is that. Why should I be subjected to such inhumane treatment just because I decided to take a bus ride with you? Don’t worry. Just wait till Baba God decides to return my car from His heavenly workshop where I sent it in for emmm…construction. But till then keep that shit to yourself. I don’t care if it travels up your spine and shrivels up your brain. Just don’t release that shit near me.

Gotta thank Ehidiame (I just went ahead and put his twitter page as a link in case any o’ y’all ladies wants to follow him home in traffic or some of that romantic stuff). Don’t forget to send your complaints to thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com. And as long as your angry rant makes us laugh, we’ll post it. Also, don’t forget to use the comment box…

Heehee! Com-ment box…

We love you guys, no freaking homo.

Rant Three

The thing about ranting is that everyone has something to complain about. For some, it’s sex, for others it’s PHCN and so forth. Our goal is to be the therapeutic outlet for your bottled up emotions. We hope we’re succeeding at that. Meanwhile, if you’re going to be bringing your sex complaints all the time, we might just have to re-direct you to Dr Phil. Our e-mail is flooded with so much sex complaints that we wonder when you guys find time to do other things.

How about you stop having sex and start doing productive things like…read books or, I don’t know…skip rope or something.

I’m not judging o, I’m just wondering what is going on in your life that sex is your major problem. Don’t they take light in your area? Can’t you complain about the duration for beans to boil or why eggs don’t cook in universal time?

Anyway, keep sending the rants in. thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com

Today’s rant was picked by @TheGreyGenesis as it made him roll and roll laughing…and yes our writer is ‘annonymous’

Enjoy

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Do you know what is most confusing and mind boggling?
Do you know what is most exasperating and painful?

Travelling by road from Lagos to Abuja and realizing that the book you took for company is an Enid Blyton and not the fifty shades of grey you just coveted.

U see that guy with the bulge in his pants?
He could turn out to be the exact opposite.
Today, that bulge is the size of my middle finger and its in my bed. I am puzzled. The menfolk,I need answers. WHY is the plantain I envisaged suddenly a crayon?

WHY is IT spurting every 2 minutes?  Where lies my satisfaction? Is it fair?
WHY do you think my boobs are the only region that can make me ‘ohhh and ahhh’?
Don’t dump your rolled up saliva in my mouth all in the name of a kiss. I have kissed Stephen and Chukwudifu before you. DO NOT REDEFINE ‘wet kiss’!

No! No!! Y’all don’t understand this ordeal. After the ‘2 min teabag in teacup’ exercise, he pants. Oh lord,he pants!!! Sometimes,he opens the fridge and consumes whatever drink he finds there. Other times, he tells me ‘Titi jo, bami po milk’.

Ahhh!! *tears mixed with hunger,frustration and anger wells up*

WHY is it that when I make attempts to lick chocolates off you,you decide its time you visited your relative at Badagry loun loun?
You would think with all THAT,I am being compensated. That he is making up for it in other ways. Perhaps overly affectionate, romantic or that my coffers are over flowing with the diamonds in them.
I don’t expect 10/10 from men in that department but you have to COMPENSATE!

Rara o, I come after his Macbook Pro. The night it was delivered,I pranced around in my lingerie but I just couldn’t werk it. And the most expensive gift he has got me is this used Bold2 a colleague sold to him.
Let your affection(material and otherwise) make attempts at making me forget your weak points.

No,I am not ugly neither is he poor.
To say I am bitter is putting it mildly.
But for sure I am enraged,frustrated and at wits end.

I am 23.
I am Married.
I Married as a Virgin.
I AM ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

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Oh my…I…I…what to say? “Do not redefine wet kiss?” LOOOOOOOOL.. Plantains and Crayons? I don’t know..haha. So um..Guys, why y’all 2 minute men? Why y’all packing your trousers with socks only to reveal finger sized kpekere? Why Why?! Use the comment box. Cheers

Rant Two

Hi.

It’s Friday.

What? What do you mean “and so?”

Do you not know that Friday means get excited and do shit because the weekend is here where you get to do more shit till you remember Monday is just some hours away and you feel like shit?

Anyway, It’s Friday and we shall continue with our AARRGGHH section. Don’t worry, by the time we have enough posts, we’ll probably pick official days dedicated to this section. However, for now..bear with us. So yes, Today on AARRGGHH, we have another  ranter sharing on something close to her heart. Ladies and Gentlemen… Cassie Daves

Please note that all posts for this section should be sent to thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com

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Okay so I don’t know if this fits your specifications and all but I figured to stop overthinking and just send it in bla bla yada yada

Here it is.

Please I just want to rant about how evil  the male specie is, how selfish you guys are.
Yes yes! I’m grouping everyone together and generalizing and that’s shallow. I don’t curr, yall aint shit!

Where was I?  This story is a long one but I”ll just shorten it, I also don’t like too much long thing (ha ha, dirty minds)

Anyhoo, so I met this guy 2 years back. 6’3 to my 6’1. Weird like me. Amazing sense of humor. Arms that could do wonders (yes, you read right, “Arms”) Basically we were a match! Perfecto. We were both in love. (No, I’m not deluding myself. We both were).
After about 2/3 months of dillydallying, I finally asked what we were doing and then he goes on about how he’s scared of being hurt.

Ehh! You Say!?? Whaaaa?

What are you leading a babe on for? Bitch nigga behaviour!! Bottom line! He wasn’t ready to commit! Ahh,I ran for my life but not without some serious damages to my cardiac organ. After 2 years of healing and avoiding him and every other male, this nigga comes back into my life bringing up old memories and I actually let him oh. Somehow I figured we were older and wiser now. So I asked again for the 2nd time because I didn’t want any waste of time.

what do you want from me?

imagine his reply! The audacity!  this nigga be talmbout how he still has commitment issues, scared of committing to something and watching it fail  bla bla bla.
Are you kidding me right now?  Nooo. Someone slap me out of this neooowww so why did you come back? To make my life more miserable? Selfish son of a gun
Arrrgghhhhhhhhhh. You male folks are the worst. Don’t lead a girl on, if you have commitment issues FFS! Wazzwrong with you!??? Is the Devil using you to get to me? Tell Him you didn’t see me. O gini kwa!?

But being the G that I am, I have to always have my shit together and stuff so I go all sigmund freud on him “aww and I thought I had issues,you have more issues than me. You”ll be fine B, I pray someday you”ll meet that person that”ll make you want to try and I pray that when you do it will be worth it.”.
Crap!

Lol! But okay I really did mean that for real. I actually do pray for him and wish him all the best. I understand bags and baggage so I understand where he’s coming from but aint nobody gat time for that and I’ve come to realize that its not even him I miss but the memories plus I’m just too Fab for all that. Gotta keep the wrinkles away yu’nurr!
So right now
I’m freeee. I’m overr you. I’m out. .

Yeah that’s it. Like literally I’m out. Rant over.

P.S – Don’t fall for guys who have been damaged psychologically and emotionally. You can’t win.

– Cassie Daves

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Wow! LOL Sister Cassie, Are you sure you ain’t hurt? no? Just a little maybe? no? Hmmmm..,so we should believe that the pain is over? na lie, E pain am. My dear, good rant there.. but tell the truth you gave him another chance because of that good D you were getting. We all know when it comes to the D, y’all can’t say no. Homeboy must have been doing something (you) good. Uh huh

I mean after 2/3 months of “dilly-dallying?” Come on..what were you doing that it took you 3 months to ask that question “What are we doing?”

hahahaha..don’t mind me, I’m just a bitter moderator trying to play with your legs.

LOL..Thanks for this. So fam, what do you think? Are the male folk really the worst? Does she just want the D with a tag? Use the comment box to respond and remember, send your AARRGGHH worthy posts to thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com

Rant One.

Yo! Yo ! Yo!

Sometimes it gets tiring welcoming you guys here because it just gets tiring. This isn’t ROUNDS where @Cumical and I can easily just converse and get an introduction off, Here i have to engage my mind in some sort of “come up with an introduction” routine and that my friend, is not easy.

Anyway, today, we launch our new section “AARRGGHH” For those of you who just returned from the Isle of cluelessness, AARRGGHH is our rant section where we give you guys the freedom to ‘speak’ on any matter(s) as you deem fit. Of course,there are set rules for rants, you can view the entire post here

Today, we have our first guest, she prefers to be anonymous and that’s ok. Ladies and Gentlemen, the entire TSC crew welcomes…err…yeah

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1. Nosy people: This early morning while I was dressing my younger ones up for school.. my aunt entered the room and asked for my phone..that she wants to go through it, check my pictures..etc . I dunno if she dreamt of me… Amean, why would you just decide one morning to go through my phone? I have nothing to hide ok..maybe I’m hiding somethings… But if I want you to know I’d tell you. Mind your Business AARRGGHH. I hate nosy people.

2. This thing mothers do.
So, I’ve been doing my chores all week….like a good girl… The day I decide to rest and do nothing…just a day.. She’d say all sorts to me and its like I’m the worst & the most useless child ever. Mothers have a way with words that really pisses me off AARRGGHH.

3.
Okay… This is none of my business…. But it pisses me off… And its common amongst girls… The “picture-set-faces/smiles” very annoying… After going through about 200 pictures..different days, different occasions yet… The smile/face doesn’t change @ all….AARRGGHH… Are you scared of your face??

4. Annoying people that don’t understand simple English…
You are annoying. And you’ve annoyed me… I’m trying hard not to Get too mad @ U… I asked u to leave… But you wouldn’t… AARRGGHH.. Unfortunately… I have these kinda people as room mates… *sigh.

Feeling better already…That would be all for now…

-Anonymous.

*****

Okay, that was quite a ‘rant’ even though she didn’t dwell so much on the issues. I’m just glad she found this as an outlet to let stuff off her chest. LOL, I also help with that by the way.

So look, if you’re sending in posts, I beg you in the name of whatever you believe in, WRITE IN PROPER ENGLISH!!! If you’re going to write like a retard with epilepsy, you can be assured, we will NOT be putting up your post. As much as we want to offer our platform, we also have some sort of integrity to protect. even if it is small. So thanks for not abbreviating and writing like you never learnt to spell.

Watch out for our next post.

God Bless you

AARRGGHH!!!

Listening to “No Love” by Eminem and Lil Wayne is not helping my present mood at all.

Can you tell that I’m pissed? I doubt it.

CAN YOU TELL NOW???!!!!

Well yeah, whatever.

I’ve discovered that i write my most heart felt pieces when i’m angry, in pain or that sorta shit. I started this post off with a desire to embark on one of my usual rants on how much I hate bla bla bla but somehow, i deleted that all off as i figured you guys are probably tired of all that. Besides, I have twitter accounts dedicated to that sole purpose. #FeetFam

Have you hated someone or something so much you just want to go in the booth and pour out all the venom you can muster on a track and them send them the CD with  best wishes for a good day? I have. Always. Your answer is probably “no” because most of you have bad voices and know nothing about going in a booth. And the only venom you have is wasted on Twitter where you threaten brimstone and fire; taking out all your anger on a helpless keyboard, depressing your caps lock because that shit shows how gangster you are.

You ain’t shit.

What happens to the days when we called each other out, met on some field and beat the shit out of each other?

Oh the nigga is hollering at yo chick? I’mma just CAPS LOCK him to death on twitter right now.

You ain’t shit.

download (20)

AARRGGGHHHH!!!!

*exhales*

So yeah, we all have shit that we’ve bottled on the inside. I mean, if you’re Nigerian, there’s one thing or the other to complain about. From PHCN, to mosquitoes that visit unannounced, Indomie with no seasoning inside the pack to Jim Iyke unsensed, From the president to your girlfriend that left you because you didn’t use her picture as DP on her birthday.

We all have bottled up issues.

But TSC is here with some hope for you. Over time, our series have featured the best, funny writers and all, we’ve had readers visit and enjoy. This time, we offer our platform to YOU. Rather than die someday from High blood pressure, we present to you “AARRGGHH!!!”

“AARRGGHH!!” basically allows you rant on anything whatsoever. You get to pour out all your emotions into your post and let out the pain that you’ve kept on the inside. Your boyfriend is cheating? you want to rant and cuss him out but you fear people on Twitter will decode and sub you? send that post to “AARRGGHH” Has MTN fucked you up again, stealing your credit one naira an hour? “AARRGGHH” is the place for you.  Your co-worker at the office is determined to kill you with her body odor? go on, write and send it to “AARRGGHH”

Few things to note

All posts will be posted anonymously if you desire. (Pls indicate if you want your name/alias/handle to be published with the piece). All posts MUST have an angry-funny undertone or might not make it to published state. Posts can be real-life experiences (as these are the ones that really pain thus enhance the feeling) or imagined. Posts should NOT be more than 1000 words. Any post that calls out another person will not be published (we believe rants can be done with no name calling, Use fictional/ nicknames if you have to). Posts MUST be meaningful ranting, it will be ignored if you bore us with space tales et al.

We’ll create a section for this purpose and we’ll post as we get articles. You can start sending your entries from NOW!

Please send your posts to mrkelvinis@yahoo.com and/or terd_bend@yahoo.com

Don’t go and kill yourself in silence because you never had the balls to say what you wanted to say. Let posterity document your pain and share it with the world. No. “Posterity” is not an alias for this blog you dimwit

AARRGGHH!!!!