Signs & Wonders

Every year, there’s some prophetic declaration that Pastors pronounce. It doesn’t even matter if they hear from God. You know, because, sometimes the lord might be busy handling other important stuff like the war in the middle east, Donald Trump’s wig or Vic -O. Hence it’s a general occurrence when they (the pastors) follow the spirit (alcohol) and make these pronouncements under the influence.

One of the most common ones is “The year of Signs & Wonders”. The thing about this is that, whatever happens must be a sign or wonder. It must sha fall into one of the categories, so pastors can’t go wrong with this.

On that note, welcome to 2016 – A year of signs and wonders. In case you’re looking for a sign, they are everywhere. This year, you will not experience bewilderment and utter flummoxation! You will not look at a sign and wonder “The fuck?” Your signs will be clearer than Toke’s skin magnified and projected on HD. Better say Amen!

Now, there’s a set of human-like living things who apart from the above mentioned pastors, occasionally put up sign posts – usually warnings, or advertisement of their services or shops and how they can be located. ‎I call them human-like because (opposed to normal humans) their signs almost always carry the most ridiculous contents

Of course I took pictures of them. Help me understand these signs because I’m sure the people who put some of them up meant them as jokes…

 

I almost drove into the car ahead when i saw this

I almost drove into the car ahead when i saw this

“Fuckenizer?” That’s definitely a hybrid vulcanizer fuck boy right? Like, I’m coming. Are the tyres a representation of his rubber size? Is he trying to say he’s going to need something that huge to…? Someone abeg, call the number.

The CROCAT. You know... Half Croc, half Cat. Tastes so good in peppersoup

The CROCAT. You know… Half Croc, half Cat. Tastes so good in peppersoup

 

Their God, their Mother

Their God, their Mother

There’s several interpretations to this one. Is God their mother? Is the barbing salon co-owned by God and his mother? What’s the sharing formula? And why the fuck are they also into wears and accessories? Here’s something similar Sirkastiq found on Google

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This one probably sells the barbing salons alongside clothing materials.

Rechard your phones right here bruv.

Rechard your phones right here bruv.

Who is rechard and why are we bying him/her/it a card?

Yeah, so I know you’re like a Mollusc and you don’t really come out of your house except when work or worship calls, or when you’ve set your place on fire (again) trying to cook that dope ass Egusi you saw on IG.

But if occasionally, you do? You’ll notice there are other actual living things situated around you‎. These living things have houses too, cars too, and they go to work, worship and cook Egusi too.

So let’s share. What are some of the most ridiculous signs you’ve seen. Pictures will be awesome.

Have a great year ahead guys

  • Grey

 

Seize The Bloody Bae!!!

Hello guys,

It’s been a pretty long time I’ve been here and like I said in the last post, it’s as a result of a myriad of factors. Unlike in time past, we want to ensure that we actually write stuff when there’s stuff to write about. That whole pressure of writing because we’re expected to cannot work abeg.

Best to have quality than trash quantity. (I actually believe that one day, somebody will do a small pamphlet of these my gem quotes”

“Best to have quality than trash quantity” – @Sirkastiq 2015

Today, I want to ‘talk’ about the latest fashion fad amongst us. If you look down the years, you’ll see how we’ve evolved from the days we rocked Moschino and Sean Johns, from the days of Nautica and FUBU, from the days when wearing baggy jeans meant we were really cool and rich. (Compare that to these days where fully grown, human men wear jeans skinnier than their fingers).

Life is funny uno, there was a time when our struggle was what we would score in JAMB and then after failing the first one, it shifted to “how much do I pay this guy to get me correct expo to pass?” Later it became “God, I beg I don’t want to carry-over, I can’t spill” to “Should I update my CV on jobberman, is it good enough?” As we go forward in life, our worries keep changing.

The most recent one for a lot of us is “When will I find boo/bae?” or in some cases “When will boo/bae find me?”

Listen, many people will hit you with the “God’s time is the best” and “don’t rush into a relationship” but my friend, YOU BETTER RUSH!!! Time still waits for man. Time doesn’t even have time so if you like sit down there and be expecting.

stb

The mandate was clear. it’s almost year end. Evaluate your life, why have you been dulling? Need someone to help you realize why you need to get up off your ass, go out there and seize the fucking bae?!

Here’s reasons – you’re welcome!

  1. Your eggs will soon expire/your sperm will soon become powder: Yup! Be there forming waiting for the right time, meanwhile inside your body, your reproductory materials are nearing expiry date.
  2. sperm-cartoonDon’t you want to appear on Bella Weddings? : Is it not your mates that share their “inspiring” stories on BN? Why should your own be different? You’re there waiting, shey it’s until BN is no longer in existence that you will now find bae? If you know what’s good for you, better agree for that guy in your DMs.
  3. Ring will soon finish in the market: Rings are getting scarce in the market, every Ahmed, Tunbosun and Chidera have bought rings even though they have no one to give it to. The economy dictates you purchase these items before scarcity hits. What? They don’t know the size of your finger? How is that the problem? Please focus on the ring and wear it round your neck when they give it to you.
  4. Shoki, Shakitibobo and nae nae will soon go out of fashion. Can you imagine your wedding where you can’t bust the shoki you’ve been learning for months? So you won’t hang one leg in the air while giving them shakitibobo? Let me tell you – better maximize the fact that these songs/dance steps are still relevant. Now is the appointed time.
  5. See how you’ve been seeing cute babies all around you and you’re like “OMG, I WANT!!!” How are you going to get? You think you can become the next Angelina Jolie? My friend, don’t be stupid. Say yes to that man now
  1. Price of visa and ticket is now high. To go to turkey, UK, USA and all those places is long and expensive. With a bae that is ready and willing, you solve that problem and get to visit all these places on someone else’ tab. Why try to save so much when you can just find a willing account number? You people don’t pay me enough for all this wisdom.

I know the alliance of online feminists are probably reading this like “why is he seemingly referring to women? Why aren’t the men the hunted ones?” see, I’m not about to offend you people and your association. I’m a man and it’s only somewhat understandable that I write from this viewpoint. Don’t be offended, just go and seize the bae. The year is almost over, it’s like you want to be by yourself at Christmas and on Vals day. Ok o. you think you’re doing me? You’re doing yourself.

Let’s read your successful ‘seize the bae’ stories…or plans.  Embrace the comment section

Things Nigerian Men don’t/Won’t do

Ok guys, this is one of those all of a sudden-inspired posts that I didn’t plan to write. Matter of fact, I was just scrolling through my twitter timeline like the peace-loving individual I am and then BAM!  I saw this:

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And then a thought dribbled through my brain defences like…

VIDEO NEYMAR

 

 

And I tried to ignore but then I saw this:

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So yes, here we are and yeah, you’re welcome.

Ladies are you paying attention because I shall say this only once and I believe once is enough for you. I mean, a word is enough for the wise and this is why wise people only speak once. Yes, a wise man once said this.

Most of you women just believe that because we are men, we are automatically some form of robot that can do anything and should in fact do everything. I’m sorry o but that’s far from the reality. Matter of fact, this is why some men have decided to be feminine seeing as they can’t cope with the demands of manhood. This has nothing to do with penis length. Thanks. As Nigerian men, here’s a list of some things you shouldn’t expect or ask us to do, please and thank you.

 1. OPEN DOORS: Now don’t get it twisted, I know some of you are already like “it’s a lie, my man opens doors for me all the time. Well, yeah, it could be that his locks are special, the car door is faulty or you’re a new girlfriend. But here’s where I need you to think carefully; Your man opens the car door for you when you’re getting in right? Does he open it as well after the drive is done? I can bet my 3 month income that he doesn’t. Are you even mad? So you’ll get to the destination and you’ll sit still like unmoving waters and wait for him to come round to open the door? No really? You don’t feel like a waste? LOL, stop watching these movies girl, it don’t happen. You better flex your right arm, reach out to the door handle, pull and get your butt off that seat. Or if it’s a special edition ride, ask him for the ‘window winder,’ reach outside the window, locate the door handle and then pull. Sometimes your shoulder might be needed to complete the door opening procedure

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2. Kill cockroaches and huge fucking spiders: Baby, the last time I checked, I was an Engineer not a Pest/Rodent Control Officer. The Bible even says “…and God made man in His image after His own likeness…” “…and gave them dominion…” Dominion is derived from the Greek word *look up the Greek word and insert here* which means ‘dominate.’This domination was given to both man and woman so I don’t understand why it has all of a sudden become my duty to kill roaches and seek out rats. I don’t see the problem these guys are bringing our way. Do you see them with guns or bombs? They really aren’t a bother so why should we seek to cut their life short? I suggest a negotiation system. How about you leave the room and allow me reason with these guys? I’m sure we can reach some form of agreement. Pushing me to kill or tossing a slipper at me to handle the issue isn’t the best. PS: If we’re talking about flying roaches though, can we discuss this in some other room?

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3. Nigerian men are not Investigators: So it’s 2am and we slept off after some hot-like-egusi sex and somehow you don’t sleep deep so you heard a sound originating from outside or downstairs. Two questions:

–          Why did you wake me?

–          Did the sound call my or your name?

–          Do I look like I major in handling sounds?

–          Why the fuck didn’t you just go check for yourself since you’re so attached to sounds?

I know that’s four questions, sorry this issue pains me. I mean, let sounds be. If you’re scared, just squeeze closer to me, hold me tighter. It helps if you’re sleeping naked as this gesture will arouse me and before you know it, we begin to make sounds of our own. Let us use sounds to eradicate the fear of sounds. Please, haven’t you seen that those who go to investigate sounds end up dead? Please biko, I still want to live this life.

4. Nigerian men can’t have abs, a baritone voice and beards: So you better “pick your choose2 very carefully. You women just think you can replace “tall, dark and handsome” with “beard, build and baritone” without sending a request to the Federal Senate? You can’t. It’s not done. Now I’m an exception, I mean I’ve got all three (shut up, I do) but the average Nigerian guy has the beard (most of you are just struggling but we’ll allow you), the build? Well not with those pot bellies that lead you around and abeg sounding like a conductor isn’t really baritone. So women, choose one.

ugly-baby-six-pack-abs-funny-367x480

5. Nigerian men won’t allow you drive their new car in his absence: Yes you’re the boo but baby, his ride is his gem. It’s not like what is his isn’t yours but see yeah? If you now bash the car, what will you say? Sorry? S-O-R-R-Y? You will now do face like a caught puppy and expect him to react? If your man lets you drive his new car, just know that if you bash it, you have to say ‘yes’ when he asks you to marry him, and note: he won’t ask kneeling down.

Of course there are other things Nigerian men can’t/won’t do but space hinders me from mentioning them all, I know some might wanna mention eating ass but I really know nothing ‘bout that shit and I don’t want to make unfounded assumptions.

Cheers yo!

 

 

 

A few of my favourite things

“… Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens     

Brown paper packages tied up with strings… “

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Don’t nobody care about no gotdamn bright kettles. Maria play too much

Everyone has the right to like anything regardless of how zany and Batshit loopy it makes them seem. It’s the exercising of your rights to keep most of these things you like, boxed up in a locked chest, then sealed inside a locked vault, and forgotten inside the unreachable recesses in your minds that keeps most of you on this side of prison bars and/or out of straitjackets. But thankfully, I’m not weird like you guys. So I can and will proceed to share a few of my favourite things with you guys.

1. Old adverts.

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Everyone loves old Ads. Everyone. Even if you don’t have a TV…or a radio…or a newspaper…or noisy neighbors with any of these things.

2. Being lost in music I mean, picture you’re at your girlfriend’s crib meeting her parents for the first time and then Davido’s “Dami Duro” comes on and My God! You don’t know when you start beating your air drum. Listen, the things music can do to you. I would write a song eulogising this but i’ll get so lost in it that I probably will never complete it image 2. Fridays.  (editor’s note: TheGreyGenesis can’t count) Man, I love Fridays. Especially when it is one of those weeks that seems like the universe paid the office to assasinate you when you came in on Monday. But then, you somehow pull through with your psyche threatening at every other turn to splinter. Then just like that, you realise it’s Thursday. And you’ve almost closed…

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3. When your Barber shapes you up just right.

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SUSDBSE

Barber so elite, shape up so deluxe. You guys may not quite understand how important barbers are. After mothers and babes, barbers are the only other humans that can turn our heads. pun intended. You never really appreciate your barber until you turn up at work/school on a Monday and people start looking at you like you just crawled out of Jim Iyke’s left nostril. LOL..Make your barber give you wrong cut one time, baba, no one would advice you to cease further dealings. But sonnnn, when they get that trim nice and friction your hair like you can use it to slice onions, then you understand why Solomon hosted the queen of Sheba. (Please don’t try to understand this)

4. Attractive people. Saks and Terdoh, skip this.

5. Girls in Jalabia. Yeah, I’ve always been curious. What is the right way to say that? Is it Jalabia, JalaMIA, or JalaPIA? What language does this word stem from? Is it okay to utilise any of the pronunciations like the way we pronounce that thing as /Boli/ and /Bole/ depending on where we are at the moment? (even though we all know the right pronunciation is /Boli/) But look ladies, all fingers are not equal, if you can’t afford a Maxi dress, who said you must languish in despair? Arise from the ashes oh maiden, arise and proceed to thine nearest Mallam, arriveth there and purchase for thineself a frock of northern heritage, purchase fair maiden, a Jalabia to cover up thine nakedness. even though we really don’t mind 

6. Harmattan. This is actually my favorite season here. Everything is so hot and cold at the same time, and hazy then clear, then dry, then moist. Bipolar season. What’s not to love?

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Harmattan is cruel to some people though. LMAO! You’ll see some people looking so darned ashy. As if they mixed semovita in their lotions.

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Lips looking like shed snakeskin

7. Pringles. For me, Pringles are to movies, what egusi is to Eba. What Agege bread is to Ewa Agoyin. What… Yeah, you get the point.

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8. The smell of rain before it falls. This is an actual scientifically researched phenomenon. And it has an English name.  It’s called “Petrichor”. You’re welcome.

9. Dope punchlines in movies. 

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Trinity: Dodge this.

10. Those Comebacks that leave the recipient like…

wpid-13901678361

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Passersby are left in shock

11. New Money. Yo. You know those freaks who adore the smell, feel, sight of (and have probably tasted) clean, new, mint money? I may or may not be one of them. I get attached to the appearance of clean money and end up not wanting to spend it.

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Just want to tie it to a necklace and wear it to work

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So there you have it guys. My random list of random things I like. Do you also have a list of things you like that you know you’ll never say out loud because you don’t want to be lynched or labelled as a witch? Comment with your list. We promise we won’t immediately report you to the police. 🙂

Grey Out

Surulere

Started from the bottom now we’re where?

The other day, I was surfing my Instagram page, doing my best not to be led down the path of hell by the images these women so happily post. Yes, I don’t know how they appeared on my feed. No, I didn’t follow them. Yes, you’re stupid for asking this question in your mind.

So while I was there looking for pictures to like; seeing as I’m a nice guy like that, I came across a trend. This nigga Don Jazzy (who I didn’t follow because he shared random credit one time) was doing some picture collage type thing and was tagging it #Surulere. JOSEPH, MARY AND MORUFU!!! The pictures I saw yeah, Lord, if there’s another movie for “Transformers”, they should use those guys and not robots.

I’m not going to talk about those guys tho, I don’t know the annointing that came upon me but sha, a certain spirit did. So I got this revelation and this post was birthed. We’re just gon look at our celebrities and form an opinion shall we?

Let’s start with omo baba olowo aka My dimples are so deep aka I don’t know what happened to my voice, it’s not like I’ve ever been a conductor aka Davido.  For those of you who doubted that Davido has always been a ‘big boy’ aka ‘a boy living large’, check this out.

davido

homeboy so fat, dimples were covered up

Can you see now that this nigga been fresh out long before being fresh out became a thing?  But then something happened! David decided that he needed to break free from the sheltered life and mix with the niggas on the outside. He wanted to experience the thrill that came with chasing tyres down the road wearing multi-coloured pant, the joy of designing your own kite using brooms, thread and white nylon. And so David ventured out of the Adeleke mansion and became one of the area boys.

He even became black

davido2

It was as a result of this venture that Mr David released the song “Dami Duro” chronicling his struggle with his parents for independence. This was of course after he shared with us details of the days when he was broke on “back when” These days Otunba David is chopping life ‘aye’

Let’s talk about 2face.

2Face-

See that tie? If you look closely, you’d recognize it as the one used to hang Karl Grossman in 1863  The story of 2face is not complete without a mention of the platashun boiz (They couldn’t spell so accept it like that) So yeah, 2baba started off as headmaster of a girls’ school as the picture shows. He however had to leave when the students mysteriously started getting preggers. That’s how bros met one shady guy; black face by name and that one introduced him to music saying they could become great.

2face2

Black face bought 2face a copy of Hip Hop World and the rest they say is history.

2baba aka Innocent aka 2face (Do you see the oxymoron?) became the biggest name in the music business. How did he do it? By shouting “NOTTIN DEY HAPPEN!” getting his neck snapped by robbers and ensuring that more women got blessed with the fruit of the womb. You people think that African queen song wasn’t planned? Baba sang one song and used many women for the video and those ones were there feeling frisky.

Wan de we shall really understand the story of Mr Coal.

DPrince-and-Wande-Coal

From Mushin to Mo-hits to Mr Biggs. The black dayamon kept growing. Please look at this picture and tell me Mo- hits have not done their share of community service. The story of wande starts from the school of Unilag where he danced to the tune of the piper. It’s like the piper was D’banj and the pipe was really the harmonica, as the lord planned it sha, that’s how wande and his babe denrele were recruited as video vixens for D’banjs “why me?” and before we knew it, bobo don blow (literally). Anyway, Wande’s light kept on shining brighter and brighter although this shining didn’t reflect on his person. no offense intended but doesn’t this remind you (sometimes) of W ceezy?

Amala

Basketmouth

I doubt anyone would have considered that this nigga would have a bright future. C’mon, homeboy looked like your regular crime fighter star actor and to make it sadder, he’s from Benin. Like everyone knows Benin niggas don’t smile. I mean look at this guy…

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It therefore came as a shocker later on to realize that this bros would build a very profiting career in comedy. No jokes! Well yeah, there were jokes but who woulda thunk it? Basket makes so much money at his shows, it’s not even funny. I mean, it’s not a laughing matter. You sha know what I mean. He’s cleaned up major too and that’s a good thing atink.

BASKET

Wizkid

Just when we thought we had learned all the letters of the alphabets, this smallie from ojuelegba shitta comes with ground breaking revelation that you can actually joggle the letter ”I” and “h” Hi mean, we couldn’t tell hif hit was “na you dey high me” or “na you dey eye me” Anyway, this kid (not so sure about the wiz part) has come a long way. Omeboy now looks fretch and clean, dropping its with every release like hit’s nothing.

surulere-wizkid

Let me just stop here tho. You musta noticed I didn’t mention any females yeah? That’s cos I couldn’t even find old pictures. These women have photoshopped their past, they be looking like the present and I couldn’t tell the difference. Anyway guys, we bless God for where we’ve come from and where we’ll get to. There are many others like Iyanya, Eyes Prince, Don Jazzy but space wouldn’t allow me go further.

Fuck space.

It’s not like i have beef with Iyanya but this nigga really does look like  a bottle of maltina. Homeboy look like you can use him to pound yam successfully. Chill, I know there are niggas that look good buff and all that, but c’mon all calabar boys are naturally buff. Then Iyanya won project fame or something and decided he was going to get buffer. Then everywhere he is, he will just be removing shirt because the shirt offended him and hindered his progress.  mtscheeeew

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Ice-Prince-

Pause for a minute and observe Ice Prince Zamani. Well, nigga on the left is ordinary Panshak Zamani before the fame, fortune and fashion sense came upon him. Homeboy steady wearing agbadas in the name of shirts. Look, I could do this all day but I don’t want my picture to arise someday (Yes, I’m going to be famous) so I’m going to behave myself and hit the exit right about now.

You got some #Surulere pictures, feel free to share.

#Surulere

100th Post

Hi.

Bye.

I kid.

100 Posts!!! Whoop!!! Like Wow! We’ve done 100 posts on this blog. Take a bow guys @cumical and @TheGreyGenesis and all you wonderful people who have contributed via guest posts, series etc. Y’all are far too kind. We couldn’t have done it without you. Well, we could actually, but that’s not the point. No we aren’t cocky…Anyway yeah, Thanks. Free reading for all of you.

So to today’s matter…

Most times, I get phone alerts about people subscribing to TSC and then my conscience pricks me especially when we haven’t put anything up on the site. It’s sort of like “hey, I heard your blog was dope and all, I read it and yeah, I think it is. So I’m subscribing so that I can get immediate alerts when you put up new shit” Then this my stupid conscience goes like “But look at yourself, you haven’t put up anything for these guys to read, how do you feel?” Then I tell my conscience to shut up because he don’t have the answers!!!

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So here I am today, after such a battle. As you can tell, I lost.

Anyway, it’s December and hey! That means Christmas right? Celebrations, decorations, events, gifts and all that stuff. Not my favourite time of the year to be quite honest because when you consider the funds that go into the season, you can’t help but weep. Usually, I’d do a post on how guys can escape the pressure of Christmas or how babes can get the most out of their man this Christmas but I’m quite responsible these days. I’ve seen the light and like Saul on the road to Damascus, my life and name has changed. Call me Snoop going forward please.

So what are we going to be learning today?

I don’t really know to be quite honest. I mean, I can’t start sharing on how we guys have this problem that happens to our phones around Christmas time. You know, somehow, our lines just can’t receive good network and when you call us, we can’t hear you. Sometimes, our phones even decide NOT to ring out. Like you’re calling us, it’s ringing but we don’t hear shit. I still haven’t unravelled the mystery behind that. No don’t think we aren’t picking your call, it’s most likely network problem. Oh, you sent a text, a BBM/Whatsapp message; DM’d us and left a comment on our IG page? Oh shit! You must not have heard that this same network problem bars us from replying messages sent over the internet. Crazy right? I don’t even understand myself. By the way, I did something there

Or should I share on how we become SOOOO BUSY this period? Like how our schedule just becomes mad tight and ALL OF A SUDDEN we start working late hours and on weekends? No, don’t think we’re trying to avoid going shopping with you because we know that our bank accounts will never be the same, nahhh it’s not that. It’s also not because we know that the price of stuff becomes ridiculously expensive and we’d cry after the shopping experience. It’s really just because we want to work harder to secure a brighter future and we really, really are very busy -__-

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Oh yes yes!!! Rhythm Unplugged, Ovation Red Carol and all those shows. Maybe I should talk about how you want us to get VIP tickets to these events. It’s not that we can’t o, It’s just that we learnt something special this year called delayed gratification. Look, what is the use of spending over N100,000 on one ticket when we could just buy the CD’s of these guys? Oh you want the live experience? Ok, tell your friends to record for you.

What to write?

HAYYYY!!! Let’s talk about the ladies and their amazing expectations at Christmas. I mean, why are you expecting a Christmas gift? Is it your birthday? When did you change name to Jesus? Pls whose birthday did you go for that you received a gift? Why are you now hustling your guy for a gift when you damn well were not born on the day? It’s even annoying because some of you now write an entire list. Please what is this thing you women smoke? Fix up ladies, Fix up.

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It could be easy to talk about those ladies that actually hustle to ensure they are in a relationship in December. Most of these females have a short term plan of 3 months. Don’t be surprised, It’s quite strategic, see 3 months is December –February. Just enough time to garner enough gifts between Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Hahaha…you sly women you. We know your ways o. Little wonder statistics show that there are more single men between December and January and the rate of break ups in November and December are the highest.

Smh

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Oh! Oh! Oh! How about we talk about those guys that stylishly ask their babes “baby, sooooo what are your plans for this Christmas?” Let me just tell you; No guy wants to hear “well, I’m thinking we’ll spend it together, maybe attend some events and just lie in each other’s arms..” HELL-FRIGGIN-NO!!! What we want to hear is “popsy and mumsy are talking about going to the villa” YESSSSSS!!! Please can you go? Can you also, maybe go to a village where there’s no internet access and crappy phone network? Look, let me just tell you, your man? He wants his space, he don’t want you around, homeboy don’t wanna turn up with ya. Oh, you think he’s been praying that ASUU calls off the strike just so your education can move forward? Nah b…he wants you away.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t do any of this shit.

Heck, I didn’t even write anything.

I still don’t know what to write on.

Single Pringles

Why hello there. It’s been a hot minute right? My apologies really. I’m even tired of making apologies but thing is I’ve been mad busy with life, work, avoiding getting arrested and/or beat up and organizing the “Letters To My Ex” series on TNC which was a massive success by the way. What?! You missed that? Shit. Catch up here. I wrote Letter number 5.

So anyway, those letters successfully started off lots of conversations, responses and lots more. Some even craved the opportunity to respond and I couldn’t help but wonder what that’ll look like. So yeah, sooner than later or maybe later (so as not to overflog the letter writing), we’ll have our special letter series (you read it here first) Today however, I want to address a different issue.

address: different issue

LOOOOOOOOOOOL..I’m really so funny.

No?

Not even a bit?

😦

If you’ve been reading my stuff here of recent, you will note I’ve been writing quite a lot on relationships. I don’t even know why o, it’s not like I’m like @8plus9 or @thetoolsman that are experienced in these matters. It however might be because I’ve been reading their stuff a whole lot and they are influencing my thought process. Shut up! I say again, it’s not because I’m single. Anyway today, I got wondering and I don’t do that often but when I do, I really do. So I sat there and asked my self a question, I said “Self!” Self was like “yeah?” I’m like “Self, why are you single?” and self was like “you should ask yourself” and i looked at self like O_o , “I’m asking you though, why you asking me to ask myself?”, Self got all defensive and raised his voice by itself and was like “Why are you asking you? I said you should ask yourself!”

So that discussion berthed this topic: Ask YOURSELF, why are you single?

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Now I’m going to attempt to answer this question from different viewpoints, I may or may not be wrong and you might find that you belong to one or more of the categories. I don’t know.

– You’re Ugly.

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See yeah, who makes the yardstick for what is ugly and what isn’t ugly?Who set the standards for beauty? Isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Aren’t Segoon Arinze, Bola Tinorbu and Razerk Awkoya married. The people that married them, do they not know beauty when they see it? Look if your excuse for being single is because you’re ugly, then you need to wake up from that thought, remove the tree trunk in your eye and find the woman that loves you for what..sorry, who you are. Facial constitution is not a barrier to love. That area boy that doesn’t even brush daily and looks like a rumpled paper from a 2B note still has one babe that calls him ‘onny’ on the regs. My friend, gather up your balls and walk up to that lady. Let your inner beauty speak for you! Let your charm and charisma sweep her off her feet! Let the baritone of your voice cause a dam to burst open in the region between her thighs! Let…ok, I’m getting carried away. You get my drift.

1- You don’t have money.

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So you’re the type of nigga that sets off bank alarms when you pass by becuase even the building can smell your broke ass from miles away. I mean, you’re so broke you don’t even get credit alerts simply because there’s no money to debit you from. But you love some babe, however you’ve been told that relationships are expensive and you need some finance to maintain the fuel of love. Let me tell you brethren; Money should not stop you from commiting to a woman. Look, do you think the Lord cannot bless you with a woman that is willing to ignore the absence of money? Oh? OH? I can hear the murmurings. Look my nigga, I’d have said ignore the things you see in Nollywood movies but I remembered your ass can’t even afford a TV. so yeah, here’s what you do: Find yourself a rich babe. HOW? I don’t know abeg.

2-You’re a Player.

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Most guys today are single simply because they already have what they want. Do you know the pleasure that comes with having access to watch DSTV when you want without paying subscription? No aunty, tell me why that guy will commit to you when he’s already finished work? So yeah, guys have noticed that they can play trial matches for different clubs before deciding which club they’ll permanently join. So rather than put their all into impressing at the trials, they put up an average performances. These guys eventually get to the point where they realize that there’s more to life than playing but this realization might take forever. Be there forming player up and down o, continue. Until your mates all settle down and the only settling you’re doing is on your couch, eating regrets out of a paper bag while tears stream down your face. No continue…

3-You’re Handsome. Unlike the ugly ones, this group actually believe that they’re God’s gift to women. They feel like they were sculpted from the fabric of beauty itself. These guys walk abi float and act like they dont even shit. if they shit sef, their shit don’t stink. Their shit is probably what mars bars are made from. Enough of this shit. So yeah, they wait for the perfect woman that complements their looks but the snag is that they lack so much in personality, sense, manners and the basic things that make up a normal human being. Can you tell i’m pissed at their shit? Look, its not like I’m not fine. I mean, on a scale of 0 – Idrils Elba, I’m probably a Taye Diggs (yeah he does look like me) but yeah…You better stop deceiving yourself up and down, you think all the “OMG! You’re so fine” you get on IG make you some sort of superstar. My nigga, humble yourself and let the Lord exhalt you…or not. By the way, opposites attract, I’m just saying.

4- Your Member is too big.

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You’re actually a humanitarian because you’re considering the damage you will wreck if you attempt to put your baton inside her. This is why you’re single. I mean, people don’t appreciate what you’re doing because they don’t understand  but it’s ok my nigga. Your type is rare. Keep doing you. (Yes I mean masturbating). More grease to your…palms?

5- You’re Ugly and Broke . Brother, relationship is not for everyone 1 cor 7:8

6-You’re me

Well, I’m sure I haven’t exhausted all the reasons. There are likely more reasons why you’re single. Maybe because you’re waiting for a prticular babe to break up, maybe you don’t believe in dating before marriage (ehm, yes ke) or maybe you’ve just decided that you want to be an eunuch or something. If you’re single, please share your reasons and feel free to add more using the comments box. The “un-singles” are welcome too.

Turn Down for WHAT?!

I’m not even happy this morning.

Like I can’t even take this thing again. It’s just downright annoying and so I’ve decided to come talk about It here with the hope that the specie to whom this behaviour is commonplace with can fix up.

If you’ve ever loved a girl, then you’re probably familiar with heartbreak. The two are almost mutually inclusive as you cannot have one without the other. Note that I didn’t say “if you’re in a relationship” This is because these days, you don’t even have to be in a relationship to have your heart shattered into a million minute fragments. I’m just tired. Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not of the opinion that hearts shouldn’t be broken but my grouse is that if you’re going to do something so life defining, at least put some effort into it. Don’t just toss the nigga into a blender and watch him get ground to smithereens.

If you’re going to turn a guys’ advances down, Please don’t do it in a way that he becomes the Hitler of our time.

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Yes, In case you don’t know, Hitler became the way he became because some chick told him she wasn’t going to date him if he was the only figure on the calendar. Go on Wikipedia that.

Dear God, in this my life, I have heard the silliest reasons for turning a guy’s advances down. I mean you would think “NO” was more than a two letter word with the way you girls creatively come up with your reasons. How hard is it to say “No, I can’t date you?” But you people allow the devil and the host of hell to use you. You don’t have to add an explanation. Even if he looks like his whole world is about to crash, DON’T EXPLAIN!

Well, except he asks “why”

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please...

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please…

Here are some downright ridiculous responses I’ve heard in this my stellar lifetime

DISCLAIMER: The turn downs listed herein are not peculiar to me and may or not have been first hand experiences. These could be sourced as a result of various testimonies shared by fellow bros over bottles of Jack Daniels and cheeks  flowing with tears.

1. “It’s not you it’s me” This one is the most popular turn down ever. Like WTF do you mean, it’s not me. Haven’t you just evaluated my entire existence and come to the brain clogged conclusion that I’m not good enough. What stupid damage control are you trying to do? By saying it’s you, do you think that makes me feel better? Matter of fact, it doesn’t because you just insinuated that there’s something wrong with my tastes and choices.  So, In other words, I didn’t do my research well before approaching you? Your father must be a lesbian tadpole.

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2. “You’re like a brother to me” You must be very stupid. You know the most annoying thing about this reason? Most times, the guy has invested so much into this pre-asking period. Homie has probably taken her on dates, dinners. Movies etc. My guy has likely even at some point mentioned how much he has in his bank account. See yeah, brotherman has entered his td Jakes “Naked & not ashamed” mode and just when he thinks there is nothing that could go wrong, Aunty puts him in the dreaded “like a brother zone” It’s not even like she puts him in the bro zone, e for better. The “like a brother” zone is non-confirmatory. It’s a “I don’t know what you are to me, but it’s somewhere between a brother and not a brother” In other words, “you confuse me” In other words “you’re a confusion”  If you’re in this zone, brother, you might want to drink rat poison while chewing on cockroaches.

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Real

3. “I like you too much to spoil what we have with a relationship” WHAT?!!! LMAOOOOO…This is similar to saying “I love playing FIFA but I don’t want to win a game so I don’t play” Does this make any iota of sense? It’s sayings like these that make me sometimes believe girls have ofio and sawdust where their brains ought to be. If you like him, what’s wrong with a relationship? Why not tell him the truth? This truth is probably (a. You don’t have money (b. She likes someone more (c. You smell (d. You really smell (e. You smell really bad. It’s never sex because she likely hasn’t had sex with you. Girls ain’t gon’ give the box up to some nigga who smells like a skunk wearing ammonium perfume. But yeah, it’s always better to just let out the truth.

4. “You’re a great guy but…” Look, if you ever hear this as opening statement, It’s ok to just stop her mid-sentence, shut her up, leave the location and never come back again. This is because what will follow will definitely fuck up your self-esteem for generations. Save yourself the damage. See, if not you’ll hear shit like “…you’re not just my type”, “…we can’t ever be together. “…You’re short and I want my kids to have a father they can look up to” or “…no one wants a 4 inch fully erect dick” See? Flee my nigga

There’s many more I’m sure but space won’t let me exhaust them all. I know you guys have experienced much more,  Here’s some…

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Ladies, I love you and all but let that guy down easy. The truth is always better but if it’s going to hurt real bad, then shut the hell up and just say “no” Some scars are hard to remove and rather than be the witch appearing in his nightmares, be as nice as you can. If he can however handle the truth and keeps pressing for an explanation, then drop it like it’s hot .

Lastly, ladies I beg you…

Don’t be the one to suggest “Let’s still be friends”

Joo-Joo

Hey guys.

Let’s talk about juju. What do you see, feel or imagine when you hear the word Juju?

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This?

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Or this?

I would like to state emphatically that true Juju, good or bad, IS, and is within every single person you’ve ever met with/currently relate with or you’re yet to meet. I’ll explain.

After having asked several people at random , the general consensus as to the actual definition of Juju seems largely determinable by three factors; Where you’re from, how and where you were raised, and by whom (or what) raised you.

But for the purpose of this gist, I will like to talk about THIS genre of Juju

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She scares Satan. Go figure

Although it’s not really why we’re here today, I’ll neither agree nor argue with anyone who postulates that Juju is a function of the individual’s mindset. With the mind’s power trailing its efficacy in most cases like any other placebo, that would be a hard case to accept or refute.

You might want to read that again slowly to grasp the understanding of the immense magnanimous brilliance I just spewed.

See, no matter who you currently are, as long as you were born human, at some point or the other, you still are were once scared  of those diabolical, unmentionable, unexplained (and probably unexplainable) things you maybe haven’t experienced yet but you’ve been told could happen in or to your very reality.

Especially if you’re a Nigerian, raised in Nigeria.

Here?
Where superstition is a living thing?
LOL. It’s unwritten but you’re expected to believe. So you can solicit sympathy/assistance when you’re faced with circumstances beyond your ken.

Let me illustrate.

The hypothetical average Mr Bomboy steps out of his house in the morning and gets blindsided by a car ten ways to Sunday and survives. Before long, you start hearing “He survived? It’s Juju.”

OR, Mr Bomboy dies. On the spot. You start hearing stuff like “it was Juju. The road was thirsty.”

As per Fanta or Coke is too mainstream yeah?

OR, Mr Bomboy dies later in the hospital. Give it time. Yup, you’ll hear the “it was Juju” theorists.

Or Mr Bomboy has suffered for at least 2 decades in abject poverty and then one day shit was to happen (as shit always does) either by Bomboy’s machination or nah, and Bomboy’s fortune gets reversed for good. Then Bomboy buys a Range sport and moves out of the red Sea into his Canaan without pausing to spit in the wind? Of course you people will be waiting.
To say it.
To say it was Juju.
That Juju did it for him.

Or Mr Bomboy died somewhere far from home and as his corpse is being transferred back home for the funeral, the vehicle transporting the corpse has a horrible accident… Well

Anyways, we can infer the basic meaning(s) of Juju from the assumptive postulated scenarios of the life and times of the unfortunate Mr Bomboy.

Juju is commonly the concocted label that can (and is usually) pasted on acts or happenstances that the majority of witnessing parties deem supernatural. Or diabolic. Or scientifically nor religiously unexplainable.

That seems to be the only way I can explain it. From findings,  there appears to be different types, categories and sublets of the perceived phenomenon that is called Juju. We’ll talk about that in a bit.

Some call it Jazz. Some call it Voodoo. Some call it Eco. Some call it Kobnomi. Some call it format. Some call it Science. Asians call it Jutsu. Some call it Otumokpo.

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Hear, hear

Now let’s talk about the various types /groups and associative categories of Juju as portrayed by perceived incidents and literature in Nigeria and around the world.

The love or affinity Juju.
Bomboy meets the girl of his dreams in 3D. He continually tries several things and eventually they end up together.
You people will say Bomboy has traveled to some Juju place upon some mountain in Okene and has obtained some means by which he has ‘Jazzed‘ her. If Bomboy blinks too much when talking to her, the theorists will go “AHA! He rubbed the jazz on his eyelids.

Or Bomboy’s got game and he meets the babe and she falls ass over body magic in love with him within a week, theorists will go “AHA! AHA!!! He’s using Touch and follow!

Or our hypothetical Single Bimbo prepares and brings food for everyone to the office on her birthday. The branch Manager eats thereof and falls in love with Bimbo and very soon Bimbo gets engaged? Theorists be pointing like “AHA! AHA!! AHA!!! It’s Kobnomi she put in that food for Manager. She has washed put inside!

The transformation Juju.

This type is probably the most unbelievable type of Juju that goes on every single day. Very common especially with the ladies.

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Even when you’re staring at evidence, your eyes continue to fuck with you

The Offensive/defensive Juju.
Heard a story once about a guy, during a heated altercation  at a bus park, who removed his shirt and threw it in the air.
AND.
IT.
HUNG.

THERE.
MIDAIR.

Whereupon his opponent fled.

Hmmmm and Hian.

The Financial Juju.
Where Bomboy opens a shop beside someone selling provisions. And Bomboy is selling provisions too. And from the day Bomboy moves next door, customers abruptly stop patronizing the neighbor and buy only from Bomboy.
AHA! AHA!! AHA!!!

*sigh*

Our movie industry is not even helping matters at all as regards dissemination of corrective information to their large audience of potential Juju theorists . With their portrayal of Juju as the primary cause of everything wrong with everything and everyone, little wonder the average Nigerian has deemed it fit to codify everything happening as caused by Juju or solvable by Juju.

In almost every Nollywood movie there’s a relative or friend of Bomboy who has turned into; or sent something like the… Thing that seems to crawl out of those fevered types of nightmares with one when one’s really really sick and hallucinating to victimize poor Bomboy. ALWAYS.

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ah bite ya nose

And there’s a real life Bomboy too who will watch that movie and start believing all his problems were caused by Juju. Thereby immersing himself in the beliefs of the belief troubling the theorists.

So when next something goes wrong, Bomboy starts to look for protection or solutions from the resident native doctor. Or the one atop some mountain top in some fabled far off place.

And even when Bomboy does not go to any mountain top but decides to take his problems to Synagogue where he believes it can be solved…

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You people are already  gathered and setting boobytraps in the comment section of Lin-Lin’s blog like “AHA! AHA!! AHA!!!

*double sigh*

Moving on, let’s talk about the issue of sacrifices and the part they play in the Juju gist.

See, I’m not sure what I would do if I ever saw someone tying a white wrapper and placing a claypot with Eko, and boiled eggs and palm oil beside the junction close to my house. Last last we must bring police into the matter. Because… WHY???

For, believe in it or nah, almost all normal people would like to avoid being dragged into someone else’s spiritual battles.
Just imagine. 5am, you’re preparing to go for a jog and you open your gate to see an elderly person tying white wrapper dropping a claypot opposite your house.

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This boiled eggs and palm oil life

I mean what would you do? Where do you see the rest of your day going?

Then, Nollywood portrays the most execrable images of native doctors. A. K. A Dibias/Babalawos

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The Babalawo format

You dun know deh ting

Please, please, please. I’ve never seen a portrayal of a Dibia/babalawo where the doctor didn’t look like the cause of the problems brought to him.

Were I a babalawo, my first spell, by all that’s holy, would be repackaging.

I’d look like Michael frigging Ealy at least before starting the practice in my chosen career. Let me see how customers won’t come.

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How Babalawos should look

Anyway, even though I have tried my darnedest to maintain the requisite pansophical neutrality of belief in the writing of this post, I have to again unequivocally state that I truly believe that all the forms of juju-related issues out there stem from what you listen to and who you relate with.

In the words of Blaise Pascal,
All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

So guys,
What do YOU believe?

*goes back to room and sits alone on floor with arms akimbo*

Dates, Pick-up Lines And Shit

Hi guys,

Good day to those at the top of the Premier league, those that kill the ability of strikers, those who believe money answers all games and those who depend on others results so they can feature in the Top ten.

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So basically, the TSC team decided to pool together a couple of interesting subjects and share our various opinions on these topics. These range from spirituality, relationships, secrets, fighting , sex, public transportation and a whole lot more. The thing is, we are going to be sharing our personal opinions, ideologies and/or experiences on these matters so while you may or may not agree with them, I must say that they are OUR PERSONAL VIEWPOINTS.

I get to start today and I’ll be writing on “Dates, Pick Up lines and shit”

I’m just going to drop these gold nuggets and ride off into the sunset (maybe continue at some later date).

Today, we shall discuss a worldwide phenomenon; an occurrence that has plagued members of the male folk for centuries now. One of the hardest things for us as guys to do is say the right words to a woman we like. Let’s be real, in that moment when you’re in her presence, you wanna ensure your words are laced with gold. You wanna make sure your words have the capacity to put some sort of smile on her face. You want her to giggle, to laugh…because if you can genuinely make her laugh, then my nigga you’re half way there. Marilyn Monroe endorsed this…

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However what we want is shit compared to what we really do or say…

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At that time, our brain gets clouded by a thousand and one thoughts all at once and we begin to foam at the mouth.  Our heart begins to rattle like the soundtrack of Drumline or a Neptunes production. Basically, we become retarded. How on earth then do we initiate conversation? What pickup lines do we use? Do we throw on our faux Harvey Spector swag or just stick to our Sheldon Cooper geekiness?

I should probably talk about the things you really shouldn’t do.

1. “Tell me about yourself” – It doesn’t matter if it’s a date or a mobile conversation, this phrase is for INTERVIEWS not informal meetings. Some may say there’s nothing wrong with it but truth is; it’s a cliché, selfish way of getting to know a person. If you ask me this, I could say “I’m 50, retired  419 kingpin who found Jesus and now wants to live right” Thing is, anyone can give you a story. Best bet is to ask direct questions that improve CONVERSATION than leave one person to do all the talking. If that’s boring, you could suggest you play a game where you guess stuff about the other person and see how many you get right.

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Quick tip: You don’t have to guess stuff like “you’re the first child” etc Make it steamy like “you’re wearing a thong right now” I’m sorry if she gets up and walks away or hangs up the phone, she was never good enough tbh. HAHA

2. Ditch the pick-up lines. “Your father must be Osama cos you’re the bomb” really? REALLY? “The spaces between your fingers were made so that mine will fit it” ARE YOU SMOKING EXPIRED PANADOL?!! “Heaven must be weeping because they’ve lost an angel” The only thing lost here seems to be your brain DPMO!!! If I was the girl, I’d probably just do away with the convo at this point. Pick-up lines were left behind in the 90’s, don’t make an ass of yourself just cos you want to impress her. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t compliment her but try not to sound like Jim Iyke at the Synagogue deliverance session while at it. You can use these ones though…

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3. So you’ve had a first date and all seems well, Bruhhh I know you’re excited nshit cos you dropped your  A- game and you had ol’girl grinning like a Cheshire but lemme hola at you real quick; Sorry to burst yo bubble my man, but now isn’t the time to be all over her like white on rice. A little space don’t kill anyone. Basically man, DON’T BOMBARD HER WITH CALLS OR IMS. Let her breathe. Of course you should check up when you can at intervals but don’t be Mr regular on her Whatsapp or iMessage (notice I didn’t say BBM? I’m an asshole, I know). Because let’s face it, what do you want to talk about all the time? You come across as jobless and clingy. Ladies don’t want that (well, the sensible ones really)

4. Point number 3 always raises the question “So when should I hit her up?” These things don’t have set time stamps man, Just like you know when you gotta go to the loo, it’s similar feelings.  The next thing you should never do is live beyond your means. So you’re trying to bag that high class chic but we all know you stay in my side of town and you’ve got my type of money that is planned on per month basis (life is hard my nigga), The best you can do is be real with yourself. Don’t put up fronts because you wanna impress cos the same momentum you start with is the same you’ve gotta maintain. I’m not now saying you should do a buka first date but guy, if na amala and ewedu you fit afford, better find babe wey go happily throwback that amala with you.

So yeah, you’ve done your part and alladat, the ball is eventually in her court, leave it there. I know you wanna know where you stand and all but it’s never a good idea to bombard her. Some of you niggas even start using pictures of her as DP, putting up corny ass status messages, your tweets become Drakish and you just sound like a retard without even trying. My advice? Lean back. If she’s into you, she’ll let you know sooner or later, and if she don’t, it’s ok to eventually ask.

And guys, “No” is an answer.

Abeg I’m tired. Good luck