Episode 3

2-Jun-2012

Being a super hero is not all it’s jazzed out to be. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass. Especially when you have a superhero boyfriend who is equally as strong as you.
Sometimes I pity Aquaman. But sometimes I think he likes the pounding, cos Supes doesn’t get tired. As long as he’s getting rays from the sun, he can go on forever. And Aqua just needs water. He and Aquaman have this island in the middle of the Atlantic that no one has discovered yet. Plenty of sunshine and plenty of water. So nobody’s power ever depletes.

If these guys were human, they would have killed each other by now yo!

Imagine that they invited me for a three-some.

I want to live. Thanks.

Another downside of being a super freak is these people expect you to be all righteous n shit. (Now if I said the word “shit” during a press conference, I’ll be termed as “NSFW”. But I keep the streets safe so you can go to work right? Fuck you judgemental pricks.

No homo.

Anyway, I love my life. And my boyfriend.

And of course, my powers.

The ring always comes in handy. *sniggers* Especially when Flash isn’t around to get me off. Even though those fast hands really work magic. Anyway, I had just damaged a few minds during the career talk I had at school today. They wanted me to talk about being a super hero. They should have known better. The ring did an excellent slideshow of what it’s like to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. They won’t be calling me again.

Just doing my bit for society.

Idiots.

I race back home. Can’t wait to return to my laptop because I need to download Brokeback Mountain and chat with Chyke. I’ve taken a certain liking to him. On my way I save this cute teenager from being mugged. He gives me his number. Too bad I’m not ready to go to jail for pedophilia. I’ll give this to Batman. He’s not afraid of prison.

I haven’t seen Hawk Woman in a while. A long ass while. But then again, I haven’t seen Wonder Woman either. It’s kinda like the gay aura has driven away all the oestrogen from the atmosphere and replaced it with well, testosterone-type oestrogen. I don’t get it. Aren’t women known to hang out more with gay men? Aren’t we supposed to be the ones they can relate with better? So what we take all the dick, doesn’t mean they can’t stick around to talk about stuff. You know, for once, I’d like to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians with someone who would understand me. I haven’t seen an episode of Glee in ages because there’s no one to share it with. The ‘men’ don’t understand.

I’m crying.

Being a super hero is so hard.

I just want to go shopping dammit!

———————————

Okay guys, I missed a day two days ago, and nobody is allowing me hear word. so…as remuneration, I’m going to post something here again today at 4. You might wanna stick around. I love you homosexuals.

No homo.

Yeah. Moyo can calm her titties now. Thank you for the pressure baby.

Episode 2

1-June-2012

THE GREEN LANTERN COMES OUT AS BRAVE, MIGHTY, AND GAY.

The newspaper headlines are agog with the news of my sexuality. The fanmail from the regular people has dropped considerately. And have been replaced with a lot of death threats, (really, like they could take me on my worst day) a few broken hearted messages, some encouragements from the gay community, and a whole lot of admiration from a Chyke person, a certain @Monsieur_RJ on twitter who has consistently spammed my mail box with messages of how much he admires me a lot more now that I came out the closet, how he jerks off to posters of me, how I have become his new favourite hero, and how I’m basically the reason for his existence. Flattering as that is, it makes me puke.

Sicko.

Why can’t you people just let me be?

I reply a few of the mails and shut my GL laptop. Really, I could use some head right now. But nooooo! There has to be an eight-headed hydra in the streets right now disrupting the peace. Superman has gone ‘fishing’ with Aquaman, There was a meeting holding in GL HQ, and the entire GL Squad was supposed to attend, but I feigned sickness cos I needed some alone time, Flash had gone to the future to see his kids. He does that all the time, soft nigga. Wonder woman went home for their bi-annual amazonian training, and Batman and Robin were…well, doing their thing in the bat cave. Whatever, I was alone. I could hear the commotion the hydra was causing, and I remembered our watch word.

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight”.

But evil is relative. So fuck it. The people could use some fear. That’ll teach ’em to send death threats to the people who try to protect them. I hope one of them ‘Anonymous’ hateful bashers gets eaten.

I slip the ring on and concentrate, I feel the power surge in my veins, and the faint glow of green fills the room. Then I concentrate a little more and a stream of light shoots out of the ring and forms into a human, an Adonis. Perfect. He kneels before me and takes my pants off.

I did say the ring comes in handy.

30 minutes later and I’m a streak of green light in the sky. The hydra hasn’t even done as much damage as I thought. Damn! I sigh and charge down at the monster. The green glow around my body takes a more definite oval shape with a sharp point and I slice right through the hydra’s skin. In it’s gross belly I concentrate my energy and expand my shield until the monster is blown to tiny bits.

I fall to the ground in fabulous green splendour and light.

Resplendent.

A tomato flies across my face. Luckily for the tomato, it didn’t hit – *splat*
An even larger one lands square across my face. Of course it doesn’t come in direct contact with my skin, but just slides off my glittery armour because I’m wearing the ring, but still, I’m fuming.

“Get out of our town, faggot!”

Isn’t this evil? Should this escape my sight? I’m a human being with feelings goddammit! I think I’m going to cry.

But no! I’m a strong independent woman and I will stand my ground no matter what!
Fuck this!

I fly off in an array of christmasey lights. And there are no cheers.

——————————–

Back in the Justice Lair, a few of my friends have arrived. Supes and Aqua are ‘chilling’ in the observatory, and Wonder Woman is spying in the Watch Tower, the Green Lantern Squad is on their way back, I feel them. But one person is missing. My boo.

Flash still hasn’t returned.

I miss him.

Episode 1

31-May-2012

It’s been 72 years…72 goddamn sweaty years since we were created. We’ve been cooped up in this closet, and the rest of the Green Lantern squad, Superman, Batman, and the Boy Wonder (so called for his amazing blowjob skills), Aquaman, Hawkman, that sexy, flexy ass Flash, and Yours Truly have been in dire need to come out the closet and just be free goddammit! Frankly, it was getting really hot in here, the orgies were intense.

There was Superman jerking Aquaman off, the entire GL squad engaged in an 8-some, Batman holding Robin’s head tightly, and Flash had me bent over going 800 tps (thrusts per second). Don’t get me wrong, sneaking around in the Justice League cabin was fun, but we all wanted to come out the closet.

But no one was ready to make the first move.

Not even me.

Flash had just cum…for the 18th time in 12 minutes. That nigga cums way too fast. I hate when he gives me head. It’s over in seconds and I wouldn’t even have taken my pants off.

Cheeky bastard…

Anyway, he had just bust a nut, and was busy wiping off ready to go again, I told him I needed a break, and a refill of energy. In the last 3 hours, I had worn out the power in my ring using about 80% battery to form a make-shift condom for Flashy boy here and the other 20% to form a strong table-like platform for me to bend over.

Now, we had all just had the best orgy of our lives in the last one hour. Superheroes really have that stamina thing going for them. We were all extremely exhausted, but still we all just wanted to go another round.

Oblivious, I had simply stepped out to get some more Alomo Bitters. Who woulda known that the jealous bitch Wonder Woman (who just hated the fact that Superman picked Aquaman over her. But in Supe’s defence, Aquaman said he would never let him visit his under-water home if he didn’t give him handjobs daily) had arranged the press with their cameras and errthang? Everybody was waiting outside the door, everybody was expecting to see Superman, and instead, the infamous Green Lantern comes out of the closet.

Naked…

…with a Green Lantern Limited Edition tube of lube…

…and a dildo.

Where is Flash when you need him?
Oh yeah. He closed the fucking door behind me. Thanks a lot..

Bitch.

“Mr Alan Scott! This way! Smile for the camera”

“Mr Scott! We just saw you come out of the closet! Do you have any statement to make?”

“Mr Scott! When did you discover you were a homo faggot?”

“Mr Alan Scott! Are there any more homosexuals in there with you?”

“Yo faggot! You really think sucking dick is better than eating some pussy? Leave that for the bitches yo!”

At that point, I don’t know what happened to me, but I blurted out “I’m a man fool! I got a dick! You really think I wouldn’t know how to work it better than the bitches who ain’t got none?”

The press members furiously start penning shit down.

A voice from inside the closet went “Preach!”

Musta been Batman.

Why aren’t you out here with me? Huh? Pussy.

“I would really like to get back in the closet now guys, thank you”, I say, turning around to head back into the closet.

“Hey, if Superman is in there, tell him he hasn’t finished his homework, and he’s supposed to help me with the dishes. Also, there’s been an earthquake in Turkey”, Wonder Woman says to me.

And Superman goes; “Bitch, you lying! I’m listening to some of the voices in Turkey right now! Ain’t nothing but blue skies and sexy men frolicking on the beach in nothing but their und…wait. I’ll be right out!” and a wave of blue light streaks across the room.

I secretly hope a camera caught him as I shut the door behind me.

Introduction

Basically mortals, we’re halfway done with the series yeah? *Hi-fives my lonely self* The Chronicles of Awesomeness section is over, as you might have noticed, and you guys have been so supportive. I really want to appreciate every nutcase who took time out to write for me. I appreciate that shit. Don’t worry, all the props that need to be given will be given in the concluding post. If we ever get there..

We’re close anyway. So…

Yeah, Ladies and men, felines and fellas, since we are done with that, it’s time for us to move on to more important matters. Settle down while I kick knowledge all over blogsville.

Haha! Who dash me depth?

Anybody here ever watched Megamind? Amazing movie… It’s the kind of movie you go to the cinema and watch because you have no other choice, and then end up thoroughly enjoying. Well thought out plot, great graphics, amazing jokes and all that jazz.

But did anybody notice how ‘Jesus’ came from heaven, and landed in a home, and how he walked on water, and how he died, and came back to life?

No? Me neither…

Moving on…

Have you heard? That the Green Lantern? Is GAY?

FREAKING AMAZING!!!!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH FUN I AM GOING TO HAVE WITH THIS? NO REALLY! I’M EXCITED FOR THE HOMOSEXUAL! AND FOR MYSELF! OH LAWD! THIS IS LIFE CHANGING SHIT!

I’m sure you guys are going: Terdoh has come again with his nonsense. Ask for proof and I shall provide, or simply use google. Thomas.

In lieu of this recent development, we at Cumical Anecdotes have started a new series known as “The Green Light; at the end of the brown chocolate Alley”.
Or…no no…that doesn’t sound right. Wait…
I asked a couple of my friends, and these are some of the suggestions they came up with:

    “Red means stop, yellow means ready, green means bend over”?
    “The Lantern, the Ring, and the Tube…of Lube”?
    “To infinity and back…for some booty”?
    “Save the world, suck a dick”?
    “The Great Escape, through the back door”?

Haha! Y’all niggas are the worst! I’m going to call it the Green Light District. Thank you Kelvin.

Here are a few excerpts to expect:

“Anyway, he had just bust a nut, and was busy wiping off ready to go again, I told him I needed a break, and a refill of energy. In the last 3 hours, I had worn out the power in my ring using about 80% battery to form a make-shift condom for Flashy boy here and the other 20% to form a strong table-like platform for me to bend over.”

————————————–

“The newspaper headlines are agog with the news of my sexuality. The fanmail from the regular people has dropped considerately. And have been replaced with a lot of death threats, (really, like they could take me on my worst day) a few broken hearted messages, some encouragements from the gay community, and a whole lot of admiration from a certain Chyke person”

————————————–

“The ring always comes in handy (all puns intended). Especially when Flash isn’t around to get me off. Those fast hands really work magic. Anyway, I had just damaged a few minds during the career talk I had at school today. They wanted me to talk about being a super hero. They should have known better. The ring did an excellent slideshow of what it’s like to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. They won’t be calling me again.”

————————————–

Do not laugh at this. This is serious business.
Hehe.
See y’all tomorrow.