Ebola 101

Oh come on, you know me better than that. That title is just really catchy, so I had to use something that will catch your attention. It’s just my way of making you want to click the link…

Now that I think about it, the entire blogosphere is saturated with new posts and sites telling you about the virus and how to prevent it and what not. So you people are already tired of hearing this shit. Meaning this title might actually drive people away.

Oh well, I’ve already started writing it, I might as well finish.

This post is gonna be short…like your life if you happen to catch the disease. (What? Too soon?) So I’m not gonna keep you here too long.

Ebola is really serious guys. It makes HIV look like a urinary tract infection. Sad part is that if you’re not American, there’s no cure for you. And everyone is responding crazily to it. (Which to me might be a bit excessive…but yeah, nobody wants to die, I get it.) You know, with people who weren’t using hand sanitizers now experts on how many germs exist in the universe and those who used to use hand sanitizers refusing to leave the house.

Amazing shit…really.

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Brief History:

Ebola, AKA Ebola Virus Disease, AKA Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, AKA EB for Short, AKA Don’t Touch It, Literally, AKA well…Ebola is a disease that began as far back as 1976. Which is when Bella first decided she wanted a taste of Bat meat and went for that vampire nigga Edward. Who gave her this terrible disease on their wedding night, breaking numerous beds in the process. After which she very happily passed it on to Jacob and the rest is history.

Fuck you Bella.

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What’s actually funny to me is how the country has decided to treat the situation so… (gimme a word here, because “lightly” doesn’t quite cut it). How many people are suspected to have the virus? Why haven’t these people been quarantined? Who were the hospital staff that got infected? What’s up with those niggas? In a crowded city like Lagos why are these people still roaming free? Why the fuck have the airlines to and from infected countries not been shut down?

Speaking of airlines, I was on a plane to…well, I was on a plane. And the announcer said something along the lines of “In light of the recent Ebola virus outbreak, we will proceed to spray insecticide in the cabin. If you’re wearing contacts or you find that you react to the smell, please cover your eyes and nose”.

I dunno, it sounded something like that.

So, they’re now spraying insecticide on flights. An idea that I think would be fucking brilliant…you know, if Ebola was spread by mosquitoes. Even if they are spraying disinfectants, why are you spraying it while we’re already seated? What’s the ‘insecticide’ supposed to do? Kill the virus? Kill whoever happens to have the virus? Kill everybody on the plane?

Finally sha, fuck Arik for nearly giving me an attack with that unnecessary shit.

I plan to demand an iPad.

Anyway, in light of the current situation (and yes, pun intended) here are a few tips on how to prevent the deadly virus:

Ebola 101

  • No handshakes please. Employ a PA to be taking handshakes on your behalf.
  • Don’t touch your PA.
  • Hugs are not allowed too. Don’t make this awkward. You are all strangers. Do I know you?
  • Please please, no kissing vampires. Have you learned nothing?
  • If you’ve been shagging, stop. If you’ve not been shagging, sorry. Lame ass.
  • Don’t ever, ever wear red pants. (this has nothing to do with Ebola, it’s just a general rule to live by)
  • Ask your suya guy where he gets his meat. If he can’t give you a concise response, burn that mother fucking stand to the ground. Burn that mother fucker too. He’s a biological weapon.
  • Don’t even THINK of bearing the name Sawyer. (That goes for you too @MallamSawyerr)
  • While we’re at it, don’t think of bearing Patrick either. Be more creative goddammit.
  • Buy your own car.
  • Buy your own house.
  • Buy your own airport terminal.
  • Yeah, I would get my own country if I were you.
  • Ooh ooh! Your own planet!
  • Pray, and ask Jesus to come back quickly.

See? It’s not that hard to avoid the virus. Follow these easy steps and you should be fine.

On a more serious note, be safe guys. And be careful. And when you see me, wave. Please don’t make it awkward.

Thank you.