How not to…

Yo! *throws gangster signs* actually, it’s really the peace sign upside down, yeah you know, the ‘n’ sign. it means “whats up my nigga?” What? it is what i say it is. Dont come all up on TSC and be questioning my authority. who the hell do you think you are? *calms down* Anyway, like i said, it’s a month of guest features, Today, i introduce a new category. Sha read it and you’ll understand it. i don’t have time to explain anything.

Let’s give a sarcastic welcome to @Salliness

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I saw a tweet from one of my most favourite persons, asking if some people actually need to be sent a memo on how not to be stupid and boy I’ve asked myself the same question over and over ’cause the way people go on with their life you’d think they actually needed it. Then again, if a memo of that sort was to be sent out, how would it read? Anyway, yours faithfully took it upon her to try to actually write one because first of all, I think I’m not stupid. So that should qualify me well enough as to write a memo of this nature, but hey my level of stupidity is not in contest so there you go

*editor’s note* A memo on how not to be stupid can only be written by one who has previous experience and unchallenged expertise on the subject. We shall not contradict your memo. We however believe you are DEFINITELY qualified to teach us. You may proceed o ye stupid one…

FROM: Me (@Salliness)

TO: The world

DATE: Forever

SUBJECT: HOW NOT TO BE STUPID

Well, you can if you really want to...

  • Google is your friend.

Seriously if you don’t know something, Google it. If you are not sure of anything; Google it! If you don’t have internet connection around you, phone a friend. Never, ever exhibit your ignorance in public. You are allowed to contribute when there is a discussion going on, however do not go around saying stuff like “so Beyonce named her baby Blue Ivy Carter. I thought JayZ was beefing Lil Wayne.”

*editor’s note* so he isn’t beefing Lil Wayne? I’m sorry if i sound stupid though but how does…you know what, forget it. Let me just Google.

Google can be an ass sometimes tho...

 

  • There is no Pulitzer or Nobel Prize for Stupidity.

Hell, I had to Google this just to be sure. You can not be going around displaying stupidity if there isn’t a prize for it or at least a proper record of it for posterity sake. So best be aware that if you are actually trying to be stupid you are not in contest with anyone. You’ll only end up making a fool of yourself. Carry on.

Dear writer, Y U NO Google well?

*editor’s note* I beg to differ here. There are various prizes for stupidity. How can you say it isn’t a contest? You think Mr Ibu just enjoys fooling himself for free? His prize? His pay-check…Nowadays sef, i think a certain GEJ is in contest with him on “So you think you are stupid?”

Oh and in addition to those two, there are these other two ‘humans’ who amuse me with the depth of their shallowness on your TL’s. They aren’t on mine because they’ve been blocked and muted in every way possible. Abeg lemme not get carried away, theirs is a rant for another day. Carry on…

  • You are not OBLIGATED to resend every message.

Pardon me, but I just had to re-iterate this. Although it’s actually painful that as over flogged as this issue has been we still find these people among us just like the Bible said about the poor. Do you read or listen to obituaries? Cause of death still carries stuff like ‘died after a brief illness’ ‘or died in an accident’ you know, shit like that. Nobody has ever died from not rebroadcasting a message. I hear its now on instagram as well. I’m really not surprised. Hell, I saw it on my office intranet the other day so I guess like the poor we will always find them among us. *sigh*

*editor’s note* WHAT?? They now broadcast messages on Instagram? Muahahaha…and here i was still recovering from the proliferation of WhatsApp by these broadcast infidels. Noooo. There’s nowhere to run or hide anymore. I guess we should all accept our fate, hold hands and sing kumbaya.

PS: Are you saying broadcasters are poor?

  • The ‘Zipper’ hair-do.

Like lace wig wasn’t bad enough, someone had to come up with putting zippers on the hair? The first time I saw that shit was in November last year when I went to pick up my NYSC call up letter from school. I just thought hey, this is Benin; these girls have been colour blocking and rocking bleached stretch marks since 1978 so they have to always come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation. Then I got to camp (Lagos; mind you) and I saw a girl carrying it (no, not the same girl from Benin) and then another girl and yet another. Let’s just say that the sight of each of those girls with that hairstyle scarred me deeper.

See why i said we should sing Kumbaya? Kill me already!!!

You will NEVER be taken seriously if you carry that hair and in the next 5 years when I become a billionaire and an employer of labour (in plain terms ‘a bawse’) I hope those girls never come to me for a job interview. Yes sir, the stupidity that (wo) men do, lives (sp?) with them.

*editor’s note* NO, NO, NO!!! You did not just go H.A.M on my Benin ladies. What? “…come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation?” I’ll have you know that Benin people are the most travelled and if they start a trend, you might as well accept it ‘cos they know wassup yo. And hey Miss lecturer, imma let you finish but wharrahell is “carry that hair” you see why i said your experience on this topic is priceless? You are even giving us practical examples…sorry #AsyouWere…

  • Nollywood films starring Tonto Dike and/or Muna Obiekwe.

It’s as explanatory as it sounds; don’t ever watch a Tonto Dike and/or a Muna Obiekwe ‘feem’. Period. It has been statistically proven, with econometric tools, to have the capability of reducing your IQ to a negative value. Remember Black Berry Babes? Yeah I tried to watch it and couldn’t make past 10 minutes. I’m allergic to stupidity like that.

*editors note* I watch not Nollywood films, so i know not of what you speak. No editor’s note here. Move on…

  • The walk of shame.

When you find yourself going against any of the mentioned rules to guide you against stupidity, rather than try to defend yourself [thereby increasing the awkwardness of your situation] please do us all a favour and take a walk of shame. For the benefit of any one who does not know how to do so, acquaint yourself by following the steps below;

1. Bow your head

2. Plaster a sheepish grin on your face

3. With your hands raised above your head

4. Run like hell.

Please be guided.

*editor’s note* Let’s just be honest and say she didn’t know how to end this piece. Yes yes, i know some of you are like “err ok. is she calling US stupid?” what can i say? Game recognises game yeah? Lol…

So yeah, this is sorta new (but it may never feature again) category where you send me your post/articles and i attempt to literally tear it to shreds with stupid editor notes just because i can. My aim is to make you look erm..bad. Not bad as in “guy you too bad kinda bad” but bad as in Victor Ikpeba’s “shhh” factor bad.

So if you’re up to it, the email addy remains mrkelvinis@gmail.com

piss out.

FWB 101

Why hello. 🙂 Look who’s here. You’re all grown up now *pulls cheeks* Good to have you around. Bla bla friggin bla…the above has nothing to do with the below so just..bla bla whatever.

Yeah, this is how it’s gonna work for this month (I think) I’m gon’ be having me some guests over at TSC. This is because I’m a mess and will be attempting to mess up other blogs I’ll be featuring in. Hence, to balance the order of nature, I’m gon’ leave mine in the hands of those I consider worthy.

From what you’re about to read, you’ll probably decipher or deduce or de-whatever the kinda “people” that will be featuring on here. If you think you’ve got something worth reading, then bring it! No mush please. Visit Bule’s blog for that.

Remember, this is The Sirkastiq Center (TSC) and we really care…did I tell you I’m dating Megan Fox secretly?

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Hello, my name is ColorMeCake. If you’re wondering, yes that’s the name my mama gave me. I’m kinda drunk and I just want to talk about something I noticed lately.

Now, for some strange reason, Niggas these days have decided to become emotional creatures and its gross. Left, right and center I see these niggas sleeping with supposed one night stands, and next morning they calling these hos talmbout “Baby why you left before I woke up. Wanna go eat later” As one of these hos I say ‘No bitch. No.”

I see niggas trying to wife bitches who were supposed to be just friends with benefits and I’m like this is not what God intended. This is poor penis management. If I had a penis, I would be managing it right.

I like you guys and I just want to share some tips on your to manage your pussy life better. I know some of you look at me and wonder “How does she do it?” Now you don’t have to wonder anymore.

Now, I hope you’re reading this in the most ghetto accent you can muster. First of, if you’re offended by the words ‘bitch’ ‘pussy’ ‘nigga’ ‘penis’ ‘cock’ ‘dick’ ‘vagina’ then this post is not for you. So bye bitch.

Now, here are 10 simple rules for Friends with benefits

1) Do not store these hos by their names in your phones. Ever. Too intimate. You have ‘Ho 1’ ‘Ho 2’ ‘Ho who can bust a split on the dick’ ‘Suck Dick ho’ ‘Anal ho’

2) Keep your hos well separated. Do not mistakenly try anal with your ‘bust a split on the dick ho’ That might not go well.

3) Don’t fucking ask these hos how their day went. Fuck you care for? Far as you’re concerned. They only exist for one hour a day when they on yo dick.

4) Your phone conversations should not be more than 2 minutes. Tops. Ever. You: “Where you at?” Her: “Home?” You: “Alright, come over right quick” Her: “Ok”. That’s it. If she calls you at 11pm with any thing other than “Is it my turn to come over?” You hang up &delete that hos number.
Talmbout Her: “My day was so hard. My mama had a heart attack *crying* and I just don’t know what to do…” You: “uuuhhh are you coming over for some of this dick though?” Her: “No! My mama. .” You: *Hangs up.* *Deletes that ho’s number*

5) Keep your fucking emotions out your penis. The only thing that should come out your penis is STD free semen. My nig I don’t want to feel your heart beating through your penis. There’s no reason for that.

6) Don’t trust a ho. These are desperate times. Bitches will tell you they on birth control and not be. Double bag that ho. Or watch that ho swallow postinor and keep her for an hour so she can’t throw it back up

7) You should never know what she looks like in the morning. Why? Because both of you should not be on the same bed during that time.

8) If you have a gf or are famous, TAKE THAT HOS PHONE AWAY. Actually don’t. People like you are my saturday/sunday twitter entertainment.

9) . . .

I know I said 10 but fuck you hos. I’m bored & have other shit to do and y’all aint even worth all these boulders of wisdom I’m throwing your way.

Bye bitch.
It’s a beautiful day, Smile 🙂

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Editors Note: I didn’t edit nothing..yes spelling, grammaticall errors and stuff..ehen? Didn’t you read that she’s drunk?

SideBarz

I know you’re here so i don’t see why i should really bother myself with welcoming you. Oh! it’s the courteous thing to do? and who gave you the illusion that i’m a courteous fellow? Harry houdini? You might as well get your ass sat somewhere and let’s get straight into the business of why we are here. Yes. Today, I’m on that ramble shit again, forgive me but it’s all i can do for now till probably i get a wife i can throw all my frustrations on. Since that isn’t about to happen anytime soon, i might as well take it out on you my willing audience. I really don’t have Power IV this shit.

sidebar: In case you’re slower than the speed of dark, the “power IV” phrase is deeper than it seems. can you decipher it?

Moving on jare, all week and some, i’d been thinking of a post to write here, started on some outerviews but they turned out shittier than a toilet bowl at full capacity so i decided to do away with them duhhh.

SHIT!!! LoL

You know how it feels when your brain has gotten to that “cyclic redundancy period?” that time when you shake your head and you can hear the hollowness echo so loudly? Are you mad? if i knew how it felt, would i be asking you? why so shallow minded thus? Of course, we all know the answer to that.

sidebar: I was about to use one of those “are they using your brain matter to season shaki” lines and then i remembered that anyone that still uses such disses is as clueless as goodluck on the issue of Boko and his harem.

Lets die-a-log shall we? or shan't we?

sidebar: If you are also among those intellectual Quotient challenged individuals that say stuff like “jesus be a spark-plug,” I consider you stupid, ignorant, foolish and all that..yeah. It’s my consideration sha. in the end, i still love you.

I still haven’t told you why we are here. You need to chill as i shall get to that in no distant time. By the way, this statement here is quite laced with brilliance. do you know that Distance = Speed x Time . Does this therefore mean that when we say “in no distant time,” we are referring to a merger of Distance and Time? If we attempt to make Speed the subject of the formula, this will result in Distance/Time. so when we say “in no distant time,” we actually mean speedily. You can be wowed here and go ahead and clap. Thanks. Management.

Just so you know...

Seriously now though, while seeking inspiration to write, i found myself listening to Music to kinda ginger me you know. I went from my regular, constant dose of Usher down to the locals back home. While progressing thus, i got to Ice Prince and i found myself laughing so hard at the brilliance and lyrical dexterity exhibited by this fine chap

sidebar: if you believe the above, you must also believe that you were actually born on April 1st. matter of fact, you were. believe that! By the way, do you know that the word ‘irony’ is coined from the yoruba word iró ni which means “it’s a lie” You’re welcome. signed. Management.

So, there i was flooding my intelligence with Ice Prince, seeking inspiration from Lord-knows-where and it just didn’t come. The truth is bitter- Alomo. I hold ice prince responsible for such bars. was he a prisoner in his former life? did he get anally raped often for dropping soapy bars that only get you wet in the eyes?

The result? soapy bars...

That’s how i went for Wax lyrical (which they should re-christen Wack lyrical by the way) and saw the future leaders of this nation dropping what they believe are dope lines. they only qualify as such because they were spat by niggas obviously high on some cheap drugs. what?? “I’m so high – trees!” I kid you not…sigh..Let me enter MI sef..(eyss!! i don’t mean through any opening in his body) What the fuckity fuck was Seven days about? A death sentence? That song only lasted seven days on my phone because i believed that it was gonna magically meta-morph into something beautiful. FA FA FA FAWO!!! Thank God oga Mr Incredible rose the bar again with the 6 foot remix, however, he had to. such height isn’t normally easy to reach by a MIdget. (don’t quote me) -_-

I agree...i knew that 6 foot song was a sub.

Next up on my playlist was Davido and i don’t care if he was caught topless, there’s something about the beats and tunes of the dudes songs. whaaat? There i was on my Dami duro shit and i felt like i was flying and unstoppable, like LASTMA niggas be chasing me and i’m doing 180 on the freeway. damn!  “and on the beat is davido and i’m driving all the girls crazy yo, enainaninaninananino , enainaninaninananino”

sidebar: I’m confused as to where all this is headed

Ah well, i switched songs and this song came up and COMPLETELY knocked me off my chair. I’m sure a lot of you have seen the video or have it on your phones even. it’s titled “i’m my own grandpa” I went through the hassles of getting the lyrics for you so you can read the complexity of the matter. You can view the video here http://www.metacafe.com/watch/54702/im_my_own_grandpa/

Now many many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as can be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
For my daughter was my mother ’cause she was my father’s wife
To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him br’ther
Of the widow’s grown-up daughter, who was also my stepmother

Father’s wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter’s son
My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue
Because altho’ she is my wife, she’s my grandmother too

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I’m her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
For now I have become the strangest case I ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

Oh I’m my own grandpa
I’m my own granpa
It sounds funny I know,
But it really is so
Oh I’m my own grandpa

Loooool…Talk about a complex family tree, i know some of you here probably have such stories, feel free to share ’em. Well for those who come to the Rant Avenue looking for sane stuff to read, i’m not sorry but you won’t find it here. you just won’t. this is the avenue for me to…you know what? forget it. There also isn’t need for you to say “dude you’re not well” that’s like saying “water is wet” or “YOU don’t have sense,” its a known fact.

See the problem now, i don’t even know how to end this.