That Stupid Post…

Yay!!! Valentine is over and i live. Oh! You live too! Isn’t that awesome on multi levels and some? Like I mean, we totally scaled that hurdle. Anyway, if you think I’ll waste time, come here and begin to rant about the aftermath of Valentine’s day then you insult me on a subcutaneous level. What do you take me for, one of them let-me-write-something-so-that-they’ll-appreciate-my-genius-people? Yes, matter of fact, that’s who/what i am? Who the hell are you yimuing for? What insolence? How dare thee? Oh! You think because you’re over there behind that screen, I can’t harm you. Is that what you really think? Do you honestly believe that you are safe in the safety of the seemingly safe place you are right this minute? Allow me cure your delusional grandeur and put it to you in not so many a barrage of words that you are nut..sorry Not. There is no distance in the spirit, yes i think a pastor once said that, the problem is i don’t know what exactly he was referring to. Spirit as in spiritual or spirit as in alcohol. You do know that there is no distance in the spirit (alcohol). You can keep going and going. What on earth am i talking about? What’s wrong with me? I think i’ve lost my marbles but then again, did i really have marbles

Oh, there they are...

Can we substitute marbles for balls seeing as most marbles are balls. If i then say i have lost my marbles, does this mean i have lost my balls? Losing one’s balls can be equated to cowardice. But if there’s anything i know, it’s that i’m no coward. Far from it. I’m a bawse. Untouchable mehn…in fact, im a boze.  Boze >>>>>> bawse. At this point we are getting to the crux of this post. What? You don’t understand what i’ve been getting at since you started reading, are you a retard? No seriously, you can’t fathom the artsy, beautiful masterpiece that this post is? Let me put you out of your miserable misery. See each line, take the first words and read it vertically from top to bottom. Oya go…

Get it now? You don’t? Sigh…At this point, i put it to you that you have no right EVER to insult D’prince, Mr Bean or Mr Ibu for demonstrated acts of anti-intelligence. You actually believed that i would sit down and start putting words in vertical sentences to pass a message? What’s strong with you? Like seriously, i’ll do that? I know i’m a genius and all that intellectual stuff, matter of fact, my I.Q drips swagoo and doesn’t decrease in its quotient. Yes yes..don’t hate, appreciate. Why am i perceiving eba? Do you know eba has an unmistakable noticeable scent? It does i tell ya, i’m perceiving it now. But how can eba have a scent? Is it a perfume? This bothers me also. People say “that guy smells good” isn’t the word “smell” associated with just foul odours or did i miss the memo? Then again, don’t all fowls have odours? I’m yet to see any fowl emitting some D&G scents. Men that’ll be some cocky fowl or chic(k) as the case may be.

haha! clowns..

So can anyone tell me why you human beings have decided to bring yourself to the level of poultry by referring to yourselves as cocks and chicks? Such fowl behaviour from you lot. If you’re not poultry today, you’re dogs and female dogs. Do you see where your problems emanate from? The desire to be animals. Why not be mosquitoes and stuff? So you can fly away when shit hits the fan, then again, mosquitoes abhor fans so…Buzz off? Oh now you’re driving me away? Why the flip do you have that confused look on your face? Wait. Wait, Lets even get this straight, what do you want from me, a topic of discussion? Doesn’t TNC cater to that need on a daily, Dafuq does this look like 43 Fafunwa or Betty Tuesdays? I should get A-zed to come carry you away from here. Such piss taking! Oh, you think because you have a BB or Laptop you can just open my link and expect to read something that will entertain you. Am i E!? Do you think i give a rat’s ass about entertaining you? Hold up! I haven’t actually taken time to notice a rat’s ass. Assuming i had tho, I’m sure it won’t be anything worth giving. but then again…

He should know...

One of these days, i intend to write a total palindrome. You know those stories or poems that make sense when read eitherway

yeah. I’ll write such a story..here’s one i did sometime ago on TNC…

I killed her
Yet
I said I loved her
She hurt me
Over and over again
This same scene
It keeps on playing
“Do I not learn?”
“Will I not hear?”
“Can I not see?”
I stare into her eyes
I listen for words unspoken
Her lips, they move
But they utter silence
Passers by,watching, looking
“Say something’ I scream
“Why did you do it?”
I shake her up a bit
I hold her close
She was my angel, my joy source
I shouldn’t have hit her
Now I regret
My emotions got the better of me
She had warned me
“I’m dangerous to love”
“I’m a jealous lover”
Though I loved her
With my own hands
I killed her

That’s a palindrome. read it from bottom or top, it makes sense. This post isn’t a palindrome. Yeah, i guess by this time you must have noticed that this post doesn’t have head or tail. of course it doesn’t. is it a fish? i mean, for real? I thought my readers were brilliant but i’m beginning to seriously doubt this. anyway, i shall put you out of your misery.Oh! the palindrome that was me showing off. Have you heard that stupid song by Bez and Praiz? of course, maybe or maybe not. it doesn’t even matter. How does that even come in to this matter? what’s going on? I’m done.

DISCLAIMER: This post doesn’t have a point but actually, it does, i just  don’t know what it is. It’s one of those moments that i just ..It’s kinda late for this disclaimer isn’t it? yeah, i think so too. So this disclaimer is to make you realize that the post you are about to read is quite meaningless. What? you’ve read it already? oh my bad..so? why are you still here then? I’m a hazard to myself.

Yeah, i know. this was a cool bullshit story.

The Origin

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here once again to waste time and talk about stuff that will not put money in your pocket or food on your table.

Sorry.

Today’s post will be…

Where are my manners? Accept my apologies.

Greetings! Mortals.

Today’s post will be divided into two segments. One segment will be more interesting than the other. But you have to read through the first segment to get to the second. The first will be talking about the real origin of Valentine (as I promised last week), and in the second segment we will be revealing my top 3 sexual escapades.

Oh yeah, now the follow button is on a bar on the blog page. You have no excuse not to subscribe. (Na beg I dey beg, abeg subscribe)

Thanks! Now to the post!

*claps hands together in glee*

The 14th of February

Historical belief 1:
The early medieval acta of Saint Valentine were expounded briefly in LegendaAurea. According to that version, St. Valentine was persecuted by Roman Emperor Claudius II. Claudius was impressed by Valentine and had a discussion with him, attempting to convert him to Roman paganism to save his life. Valentine, being a sharp guy, tried to convert Baba Claudie to Christianity, and failed. He was executed, but before this, he reportedly healed the blind daughter of his jailer.

(He probably shagged her, and made her call out the names of various deities many times, and it was all very romantic, but that’s not why we are here)

Historical Belief 2:
Valentine was a priest who refused an unattested law attributed to Roman Emperor Claudius II allegedly ordering that young men remain single (Claudius’ rationale behind this decree was because Pagan festivals were usually gay, you couldn’t have married balls all up in your face. It was also, because he needed single men in war. So between battles, it would be fornication, not adultery). But Valentine secretly performed marriage ceremonies for young men. And when Baba Claudie found out, he threw Valentine in jail.

I call bullshit.

Remember Cupid?

Where is Cupid in this story? You can’t have a valentine story without the winged, little, gay faggot who serves as Robin Hood’s competition. You can’t!!

Fret not, mortals. I have come to your rescue. 😀

Side Note: Cupid is the symbol of pedophile love. If you didn’t know, now you do. That’s why he’s still a baby.

Why We Are Here:
See, this Valentine dude was a fine young man. Not a priest, just a young man who worked in the stables of the Roman Emperor Claudius I. The Roman Emperor was an old man, stricken in years with many daughters, and one son who was just a little younger than Valentine. Okay, maybe the difference between Claudius II and Valentine was like 10 years, but you get the idea.

I could describe how Valentine fell in love with Claudius II while he was still 8 years old, but let me just cut the bull and get straight to the chase.

Valentine rapes little Claudius, Claudius becomes a damaged person, Claudius I dies, Claudius II becomes Emperor, jails Valentine when he comes into power, Valentine never stops loving Claudius, meets Jailer’s daughter who he opens up to about his love for Claudius. It’s all very romantic.

This is where Cupid comes in…

He came to visit Valentine one night when he was jerking dancing to Claudius’ latest victory song. Cupid claimed to have been drawn to Valentine ever since he noticed the amount of love exuding from him. They sat down and discussed Cupid’s power and Valentine was awed by the potency of the arrows and thinking about Claudius, he decided “Fuck yeah. Imma get that ass tonight”. Cupid heard his thoughts and got up to leave, but Valentine was desperate. A tussle ensued.

All this while, the jailer’s daughter just happened to be taking a midnight stroll round the prison grounds, and on hearing noises coming from the struggle, decided to check it out. The moment she showed up, Valentine was distracted, and Cupid stabbed him with an arrow.

You can figure out what happened. He fell in love with the Jailer’s daughter.

When Valentine was destined to die, he wrote a love letter and yada yada yada…

Summary:
-Valentine was a gay ass pedophile. Please remember this. It will be useful later in life.

-Cupid is (and will always be) a bitch nicca. Stabbing niggas while they’re down.

-This stuff is so preposterous, it’s most likely true.

Yeah, that’s that for that segment. This is the segment you’ve all been waiting for.

My Sexual Escapades
The following are true stories that you are all allowed to use against me in the future:

Yeah, this time I was…(._. )

Oh, and there was this chick who ( ._. )

And then that other time when….( ._.)

Yeah. I’m Gangsta.

See you guys next week.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Cupid/Stupid

*Walks into TSC office and slumps into chair* It’s only the second month of the year and it feels like we’ve been at this struggle all our lives. Well then again, we have. January was the height of financial drainage and just when we thought it was over and we could ease into some peace of mind and financial stability, BOOM!!! Another bomb! Relax, I’m not talking BH aka Boko Haram. By the way, if Benson & Hedges don’t do something fast, they’ll lose that acronym. Sigh…where was I? Oh yes.. BOOM!!! Another bomb, This time from…

*Phone beeps, reads message* SEE?!!!

Help me Lord...

I swear if I get one more broadcast telling me to order cakes and/or flowers, I’ll do so and send it to the broadcaster’s funeral. Nonsense and ingredients!

*@TheFakeEsse walks in to office, smiling like a doofus*

(Mind, the following is an actual conversation between Esse and me.)

Esse: “What’s biting you this beautiful February morning, why is your face all wrinkled up like Taye Taiwo taking a shit?”

Kelvin: “Mtscheew.., I just realised that it’s not yet Uhuru as there’s the Valentine hurdle ahead to cross. I think I’m going to getaway this vals. I can’t with all these Valentine demands. I can’t! Its killing me softly but surely…”

for real tho...

Kelvin: “Ok, Esse explain to me why Vals day exists. As in, what is it for?”

Esse: “Why vals day exists? For Valentine na! Abi what again?” O_o

Kelvin: “Are you well? Who is Valentine? A prophet? And what sort of name is Valentine? Sounds like an Igbo door man.”

Esse: “Well don’t ask me, ask Bobby Valentino, I hear it’s his ancestors that even started it.”

Kelvin: “Sigh…you need help. Whatever, I don’t subscribe to the idea of Valentine. I think it’s a scam to get back at us that escaped buying gifts at Christmas.”

Esse: “Ok seriously, I agree Valentine is a sketchy holiday, but it’s here to stay so you might as well accept it.”

Kelvin: “Sketchy? Add colour jare…”

Esse: “I’m personally suspicious of a holiday that picks a specific day to show ‘love’, but if we are in a ‘working relationship’ and you remember I’m special (even when it’s not vals day) then please by all means! (Who no like better thing?)”

Kelvin: “Typical female behaviour…anyway, lets leave the definitions and all that gooey stuff to TNC and people like Chinelo. So sadly, vals day is here to stay, this depresses me on many levels.”

Esse: ‘Kelvin, your level of ‘aka gumness’ is staggering. How can you be depressed that Vals day is here to stay” 0_o

Kelvin: “You’re obviously high hence your staggering. Why should I be excited about an illegal day set aside for extortion? I’m waiting for the Save Nigeria Group to call for a mass protest and in the name of everything Nigerian, this should be ‘suspended’ too. This is bad. You’re not bothered cos it’s you ladies that benefit. YES I SAID IT!!” :p

Esse: “Well, i agree that a lot of times, ladies get the most out of vals day but what happened to wanting to spoil your woman a little? And don’t even tell me guys get absolutely nothing. I mean, I can sew boubou with all the hymens that are broken/torn every vals day.”

painful truth innit?

Kelvin: “LMAO!!! Spoil who? What is she now? 3 days old akamu? Spoil fire! All the spoiling I’ve been spoiling from January is not real enough?  And for the hymen, you can’t blame us if we meet low women, these things happen. Actually, breaking the hymen is a favour we do, another gift we give. Opening the doorway to a lifetime of pleasure. Bottom line, we get nothing.”

Esse: -_______-  “Looool! You’re looking at this the wrong way Kelvin. Vals day is very symbolic. It’s actually in the little things. A girl like me is fine if you only decide to come home from work early, we watch a movie, eat a really fancy dish that either of us might have made (see what she did here?), or cook it together sef. It’s really the thought that counts.”

Kelvin: Muhahaha…-____-  ” KNOCK KNOCK, WHO’S THERE? THOUGHT. THOUGHT WHO? THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS. MTSCHEEW…NOBODY’S AT HOME.” (Wow, Kelvin. Seriously?! Are you Ali Baba?) See?! Ladies don’t want thoughts, Y’all want Ronaldinho’s hair, Gucci’s bag, Louboutin’s shoes, even phones named after cars…But all we get is BYC vest and oversized boxers or pant sef.”

"Just give me his hair and I'm fine

Esse: “LMAOOOO!!! Any girl that gives you pata is not wishing you well. And seriously Kelv, if you know what you have is the real deal, you’re not going to be trying to impress with phones named after cars. Now i’m not saying be cheap, just be original. You dig?”

Kelvin: “I ain’t no ho.. ” -___-

Esse: “Of course not, you’re just santa’s fave three words. Look, any Alhaji Rafiki can buy me both the car and the phone named after the car. Heck, if I can do some things to Alhaji, and do them well, he will buy me my personal Brazilian that will live in my boys’ quarters and be growing hair that I’ll use.”

Kelvin: O_O “do somethings to Alhaji?” Esse, you’re just a slot…things will just be going inside you anyhow. I’m sorry for you.  Anyway, tell me dear, amuse me if you will with tales of what a lady can get her man for vals..”‘

Esse: “For vals day, in terms of gifts, i think the whole perfume, cufflinks, boxers gig is overplayed. Lol, boxers tho, if I was a guy and my girlfriend buys me boxers, I will give her my singlet (I’m not joking, how can you give someone boxers? Maybe not even better one sef).”

I cant even find my WILLIngness...

Esse: “I think it depends on the couple, do something for him that he enjoys but may not have time to do as he’d like..”

Kelvin: “Hmmm…like taking him out for a 50k dinner yeah?

Esse: “Emmm. Yup! I’ll book the table and he’ll pay for the food.”

Kelvin: -__-  “Typical *spits* whatever sha, I still don’t buy the Vals idea.”

so...this is what i offer. Wanna be my val?

Esse: “OK, I was joking. You can take him to a movie he’s always wanted to see and hasn’t had time. You can buy him a big device like a TV or a Playstation (Or whatever it is that guys want nowadays.) And that’s if you can afford it. Don’t go and do Valentine’s and then later, you cannot eat 3 square meals a day. This is for both the guys and girls. Just be original, that would be my advice to both the ladies and guys getting ready for Vals.”

Kelvin: “Aha! I like the sound of that, though I have a PS already. Anyway, What/who are you doing for the day tho?”

Esse: “I will be doing some hot dude form school. His name is Math.” :-/ 😥 #TeamForeverAlone

Esse, Proud Team member since 1973

Esse: *weeps*

Kelvin: “Muahahahaha… Math? To differentiate options and find a suitable one to be integrated with eh? I swear, I have gotten you.”

Esse: “You dey craze, you dey mad, u dey gbongbolo cigar. Dont laugh at me cuz. ”

Kelvin: “Who’s your cuz? U need to stop this madness…”

Esse: “OK sorry fam. Bro.” :p

Kelvin: “Wait! you know what? Don’t stop. I am your cuz.. well till the 15th.”

Esse: “Hahahahaha ode. Broke ass negroid -_- How about you? What/who are you doing? (I pity the person, I’m sure you will just give her that orange juice from TNC3 and ugwu salad.) Stingy pulzon.”

Kelvin: 😦 “FUCK you Esse! Yes, all the way from Lagos to Canada or wherever it is you illegally ran to. Mtscheeew…
Well, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ll most likely just lazy at home after work and see a movie (if I can find a clear one to buy in traffic.) (See, ladies? Cheap ass.) As for who I’m doing? I’m not sure as yet. I’m hoping I’ll have volunteers in the comment section. Yeah…
As for what I’ll get her, I’ll give her all the love she can handle in one night. A night of bliss..yes ke..infact, I’ll probably write about how it turned out. Erotica l’omo.”

Esse: Haha. Volunteers. Good luck with that. And about all that fictional pornography you’ve started writing, well, let me just say that liars can never rise up. #KPAKAM

Kelvin: “Oya Esse come and be going (see 9ja lingua at its best) I need to end this post.”

Esse: How rude. After all my help and advice. Mscheww. *Esse exits*
————————————————————————————————————————————-
So that’s it people. I really don’t know what the hell this post was about but if you got anything like a message out of it, to God be the glory.. Vals day is around the corner, You already know my take on it. Some are probably still in doubt as to what they should get and stuff, I handled a class on the matter in my former blog, guys can read that here and here’s one the ladies will like. Pls do read.

Ok I’ll probably see those of you that survived the day when the next post goes up. Till then, I still don’t give a hoot about Valentine. Yeah (o) su mi.

Did you get that? *sigh*™ I thought as much.

Cheating?

Mortals!

It’s been a goddamn busy week for me and it has been so fucking stressful, that I haven’t had time to write anything (for myself). Apparently, I’m too selfless (fuck you! I am!) for my own good, and I should put my fucking blog first.

Am I the only one who thinks there are too many expletives in that paragraph?

Let’s try something shall we? No curse words in this post, except for the ones that have already been dropped of course.

Good! Just sweet loving and pounded yam lingo.

Note: The words “Bitch” and “Nigga” are not curse words! I make the rules here. Check the Terms and Conditions page.

Note to self: Make a Terms and Conditions page.

Moving on…

As we enter the season of valentine and all that time-wasting gay stuff, I won’t begin to bore anyone with any of the tips on how to shenk your girlfriend. (Check our sisteh blog TSC for tips on those). Nah…none o’ dat. I read a post today by some Psycho chick that truly inspired me. The said post was teaching babes how to detect how your man is cheating by getting your Nancy-Drew meets Girl-Fawkes mode on, and going all retro-magnifier on his ass.

Girl, please! Real niggas are like a cross breed between Unicorns and Phoenixes. Ever caught one? No!

This is not to say you will begin to rest on your oars because you’re the Invisible Man when a search is being held, dear real nigga. Be careful! Female Dogs are air hostesses. Bitches be tripping. One slip-up, and you’re done. Women are a lot smarter than we think they are. If you ever woke up in the middle of the night to catch her staring at you, you better clear your browser history.

[“Bitches” there was not a curse word. It was a term to describe females. Cos I don’t know all your names. You know…as a collective noun]

Now this post isn’t for the real niggas. We got all that stuff covered. This here is for the bitch niggas that can’t seem to cover up their tracks like a wolf with no tail.

*sigh*™

Listen close bitch nigga. I won’t say this stuff twice.

Scenario 1:
When your girl comes into your crib to investigate, she is going to come unexpectedly. (What you think?). She’s going to walk straight to your bedroom.

Apparently, (according to the post), if your room is unnecessarily tidy, you, bitch nigga, have been cheating.

Now we know this is true. (._. )

Don’t worry, I’ve come up with a worthy excuse for this. When accosted, you sober the heck up, and say the following words; verbatim:

“Today is my grandmother’s death anniversary. She always made me tidy up my room whenever she was around and I did it to remember her”.

Get your act right, and you just might get laid.

You’re welcome.

Scenario 2
Now, she finds hair on your bed; Too long to be yours, and too red to be hers (nobody told you to bring home the 800 pound “Rihanna-look-alike” from the club that night. You brought this on yourself!), and she starts throwing a tantrum.

Response: I don’t even know what you talmbout. Tula be bringing these chicks up in the crib and what not…imagine, I slept in the toilet yesterday.

Her: Oh, you know Tula?

Response: Yeah. He hangs out here all the time.

Her: Will you get an autograph for me next time y’all meet?

Response: Yeah sure. Pshhh, girl you tripping. Now come gimme some sugar.

POW! Missionary!

Scenario 3

If she still doesn’t believe you cos your lying ass ain’t a convincing homo erectus, she will be heading to your bathroom for further Sherlock Holmes activity. The last girl left her lady shampoo and feminine body lotion in there, and she comes out holding them with a “What the heck is this?” look on her face.

Well, damn nigga, you done messed up.

Sorry bro, can’t help you. You ain’t even a bitch nigga, you just a faggot.

I get the lotion, but Side-chick-shampoo at yo place?

Can’t. Help. You.

Oh yeah, another fad I read on is the case of these insecure bitches waiting till you fall asleep, then taking out your memory card from your phone so they can go through your stuff.

At this point, it’s needless to say that app-lock will not save your ass.

But super glue will. (‾⌣‾)♉

You super glue that memory card to your phone, and never let it out of your sight. You hear me bitch nigga?

Again, you’re welcome.

I’m done saving your ass. I’ll be reporting again next week. Hopefully. I should have a pre-valentine post up. Maybe a gay story on the origin of valentine. Who knows?

See you next week, Mortals.

And Larry Sushey.

Moral Of The Story:
Terdoh cannot write a post without curse words.

Disclaimer:
Mscheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!