Late Sadiq’s 30 Rules

In the year 1960, my great-grand father, Sadiq (nicknamed “Sir Dick” for his lengthy penis) wrote down a few guidelines for the future Nigerian (male) youths with the hope of sneaking it into the constitution. Sadly, it was rejected and called “a huge waste of time”. Sadiq is dead but I, El-Farooq shall carry on his legacy and share his rules with you with the hope that lives will be touched. [don’t ask how he knew about stuff like FIFA games & selfies back in 1960, just umm…play along]. Ladies, you can read this too & set your man straight:

editors note: I mean, if he’s not straight and he’s your man, you already have a problem

1. In a game of FIFA (or in actual football kick-around) with your buddies you are NOT allowed to refer to a “cross” as a “pull-out”. This is to avoid controversial statements such as “O boy! Bayo, that pull out mad oh. See as you no even waste time just dey use pull out dey finish me. And you come sabi head well. Na you bad pass for pull-out & heading”.

2. Under no circumstance is a guy allowed to use his hard earned money to purchase an umbrella neither is he allowed to use one (except while sharing it with a lover). However, he is allowed to accept it as a souvenir at a wedding but must dump it in the closest trash right after the reception is over.

editors note: No really, are there guys that buy umbrellas? Are they still referred to as guys?

3. Every guy must have Livescores.com bookmarked on his (and his girlfriend’s) phone/PC. Every guy. Every.

editors note: Some ‘guys’ just went “what’s livescores?” You my friend need to handover your man card. Terdoh doesn’t have Livescores by the way

4. Even if a guy hates basketball, when your mates are talking about the NBA you are to chip in the exact words: “But man, Vince Carter killed it at the 2000 slam dunk contest. Christ!” OR “T-Mac’s 13pts in 33seconds against Spurs is still one of the greatest comebacks of all time, though.”

5. When hosting your friends for an EPL or UCL game (or the El-Classico) it is only normal that the host provides the alcohol while the friends must all bring different variety of “chow” (pizza, suya etc). It wouldn’t hurt for the friends to bring along emergency alcohol, though.

6. Any lady who perfectly explains the offside rule in football should first be double-checked for a penis & upon passing this test should be treated like the goddess that she is.

download (4)

editors note: and you best start treating ‘her’ as one of the guys. These ‘girls’ are the ones you need to hide your PS pad from. NEVER CHALLENGE THEM TO A GAME!!!

7. No skinny jeans.

8. Every guy should have his own badass tailor who sews his own suit for him. Even the greatest ‘suit wearer’ of all time had his.

9. In the immortal words of Big Ghost, a guy is permitted a maximum of 5 selfies per year. If however he does not exhaust these 5 takes, he is not permitted to carry what’s left over to the next year. The count must be restarted.

10. You are permitted to sing R&B songs in a Karaoke bar. It is one of the 2 places on earth where guys are allowed to hit high notes. The 2nd being a (non-prison) shower.

editors note: and please, never speak of what transpired in there with yo homies once you walk out the door. 

11. If a guy spends the night in police custody he is required to spit a rap freestyle consisting a minimum of 16bars to his buddies.

12. You are not allowed to perform CPR on a fellow guy you’re not related to. Let him die in (straight) peace. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Exception: You work for the Red Cross.

13. A guy is not permitted to be a designated non-drinking driver for more than 3 night outs in a row with the hommies. Seriously, just watching your buddies have all the fun & destroy their liver is both lame & wicked. Smart & responsible, yes, but more of lame & wicked.

14. A guy must engage in coital activities with a lady while being tied up and Christina Aguilera’s “Nasty Naughty Boy” playing in the background at least once in his life time.

15. A guy is permitted to cry tears of joy on his wedding day. No G-points shall be deducted from his gangster-account.

Let it out ma nigga

Let it out ma nigga

editors note: afterall, it’s not everyday you tie your nuts.

16. Just like in #4, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan of the rap genre or not, every “Who’s the greatest rapper?” argument may last for minutes, hours or in extreme cases, days but must be halted when one party alters the words “Well, the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th”.

17. No matter how close they are, no two unrelated guys should EVER see a movie at the cinema past 7 o’clock… except Delta Force 1 becomes available in 3D.

18. If a guy ever leaves his house to buy a pad then it better be for his Play Station or X-Box and NOT for his girlfriend or ex-box (apologies for the corny pun).

19. A guy is permitted ONLY ONE pedicure & manicure session in a life time & this must be done when he’s away on a business trip to another city where no one there has a clue who he is.
N/B: This rule has no loophole. Even if you give your life to Christ & become “born again” it still counts as one life time.

20. A guy is permitted only one barber per city. This barber, besides his excellent hair cutting skills must meet the golden law:
When standing, a barber’s pelvic region must be lower or higher than (but never the same level as) his seated client’s head.
[This rule prevents a barber’s emergency boner from having to strike his client on the face or the back of the head.]

Just look at

Just look at

21. “Dangerously In Love” is the greatest Beyoncé song of all time & thus, it’s understandable for a guy to play this while thinking about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. However, “Run The World(Girls)” is complete trash and should never be found on a guy’s iTunes.
N/B: Every guy, upon access to a lady’s laptop, must search for this song in her music folder, hold down the shift key & alter the words “F*ck that sh*t!” while aggressively striking the delete key.

22. A guy without the ability to grow facial hair has two options to make up for it:
-Work out at the gym for 28hrs a week to make up for it with a buff body.
-Take his life by jumping off a bridge.

23. Upon seeing a flying cockroach in the presence of a lady friend, a guy is to puff out his chest and tell his (presumably) freaked out lady friend “don’t worry baby, I’ll kill it”, walk out the room, let out a shriek (inaudible to the lady friend in the room), do 10 push-ups then go back there and kill it. Running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

24. When one of your buddies is pretending to be a celebrity in order to pick up a chic, all the remaining members of the crew are required to act star-struck and ask for a picture when they walk past him. Autographs are too damn suspicious in this part of the world.

25. A guy is required to carry his extremely wasted friend all the way home & leave a bottle of water & chow beside him. When he wakes up & the whole story of how you carried him home is being relayed to him, he is to express his gratitude of the kind gesture with only two words “My nigga!” & never speak of it again.

26. Just like a guy has his own preferred brand of beer (HEINEKEN!!) and/or rum (CRUZAN!!), a guy must have his own preferred brand of Newspaper which he must read at least 3 times a week. Seriously, you’re a man, read the damn papers & know about the happenings in the country.

27. Nature played a cruel prank us by making bananas go with nuts (groundnuts). While it is obviously not avoidable, there are rules for eating it:
-Two guys must never make eye contact while eating a banana.
-A guy eating a banana in public must break off part of it and eat but never put the whole thing in his mouth.
-A guy purchasing a banana must not complain/compliment the bananas & nuts. This is to avoid statements such as “Your banana too strong jor. You wan kill me?” or “This banana too soft. Be like say you no like me. Give me better banana jor”

28. A guy is to hold open the door of his car for a lady to enter except he has paid for her services or she is a feminist.

29. 3 things a guy must never admit to having no experience in; Driving a stick, killing a chicken and making a lady cum.

30. *To be filled by reader*

 

– RJ

7 (or 6) Habits of Highly Annoying People

“This world is not my home, I’m just passing through.”

The problem is I don’t know where I’m going so basically we just dey go innit? In my few years on earth, I’ve come across different types of people. These include the smart, beautiful, aesthetically challenged and the downright weird amongst others. I don’t mean to bore you and I apologize if I’ve done that thus far. Anyway, the reason we’re here is cos I posted a link and you’re interested in reading what TSC has to say today. That’s basically it. Do you guys have those friends that do random dumb shit that makes your jaw fall to the floor? Am I the only one who knows people who eat bread and okro and feel like they don’t have a severe problem in their life? Today, I’m going to be sharing on such annoying behaviour. Before you adjust comfortably into your seat, just know that if you dip bread inside tea and/or eat cereal with hot water then you are also part of the problem in this world. You are the reason the Malaysian plane dissapeared.

          People that don’t drink water till they finish eating: Please keep your medical explanation in your pocket. If you’re among the sad people that do this, then you need serious deliverance. You people that do this are the ones who go to the toilet to release your shit and the toilet silently screams “I can’t take this shit” Fam, these niggas drop shit more toxic than what Hiroshima experienced. I can tell who you are by whether you drink water during meals or not. Be there thinking you’re living healthy; you’re really just a health hazard. Maybe because you’ve not swallowed hot eba before; that kind of eba that makes you open your mouth and transforms your hand to fan. Nah, you’ve not jammedLEE –          Those of you that answer phone calls, Instant messages with “Hmmm, this one that you remembered me today…” Look, you’re the reason our so called leaders don’t just have sense. The last time I checked, communication was two-way. If the person on the other side of the line hasn’t hollered at you in a minute, I don’t think it’s out of place for you to have been the bigger one, but guess what? You didn’t because you’re just an equal pant. Stop this behaviour before you miss heaven. Another variation are those ones that see you after a long while and say “you, you’ve forgotten me o”  Somehow, I have successfully managed to not beat up these ones. The Lord really works in mysterious ways.

-You Niggas that RT your own tweets, praise etc. I actually understand these ones. They didn’t get love while growing up, no hugs, no chocolates, and no appreciation. This is why they see the need to share with the ‘world’ once something nice is said about them.

twitter-retweet

But you guys have the IQ of a rusted nail to be very honest. Have you ever hi-fived yourself? That’s basically what you do when you display this act of utter ridiculousity.  You’re like “Oh! This person thinks I’m amazing so I’m going to share this with all of you because I’m usually an idiot, I don’t get this all the time so yeah…” Pathe-friggin-tic. Might as well say these guys are the ones that grow up and commit suicide.

–          BeyHivians and Rihannavians – Gosh! I always want to slap sense into all of you and then introduce a hot iron to your face for edge smoothening. I understand fanaticism because c’mon I’m a football fan but come the hell on, why you trying so hard to convince us that you know how many panties Bey has in her pantie locker? The annoying thing is not that you’re a fan, noooo. It’s how hard you try to prove it.  Beyonce uses the word ‘flawless’ and all of a sudden you wake up every day like that although we really know you woke up looking like badly wrapped amala. But in the eyes of the Bey fans, she can do no wrong.  Just look at these guys…

beyonce-3 Bey fans crayyyy

jayzinst5

Then there’s the Navy; You would think that Rihanna fans will mostly be chimamandists, sorry feminists (I mean after what Mr Breezy did to her) but i don’t even know. Rihanna fans are all about the sexiness that she oozes. quick to classify Beyonce as “forcing it” but they themselves couldn’t be sexy if sexy was slapped on their forehead. LOL. It’s always cute observing the banter when both camps are at it, I’m just here waiting for the scandal that will erupt when we hear that one of them is sleeping with the other one’s man. or wait, that has happened right?

Rihanna go gets a chest tat, and you decide to get the same even though you have a bag of rice as belly. rih

I guess this is something that’ll never go away and I might as well accept it yeah? Sigh. Sadly, there’s a new Lupitarian movement arising, although if you study these mitts carefully, you’ll discover most of them are closet Beyhivians.. Lord, deliver us.

–          You people that have made the “Jenifa” speak your way of life. No it’s not the use of “as in” or “it’s like”, it’s those of you that actually make conscious effort to speak like her. Dear Lord, I’d prefer listening to someone scratch their nails on a chalkboard. How do you not know that this makes you sound like you were raised by retards and you’re now the official poster boy/girl of retards inc worldwide. So this is just a suggestion o, It’s not like I’m mandating you to comply but you might just wanna considering giving yourself some sense and quit talking like you had no primary education. Although I think I’m taking a big gamble by assuming you did.

–          Chewing with your mouth open. Ask Lucifer why he was really cast from heaven. Ask Easy E why he got clapped. Ask Omojuwa why the SSS manhandled him. This is also the real reason Mandela fought for liberation. I can’t understand people that chew with their mouths open; your upper lip and lower lip aren’t just there for kissing, they are there to be shut tight while your teeth mashes food into swallow-able form. But some of your put the disgust in disgusting with your eating habits. You share with the world the content of your mouth like therein lies the key to world peace And my God, these ones don’t even chew properly, thinking about the sounds they make makes me wanna shoot myself. Stop it o! Every time you chew with your mouth open, a couple breaks up. See why our world is the way it is? images

There are so many other annoying habits that I’m sure you guys come across; there are those niggas that bite on metal cutlery (because they feel they must kill the spoon or fork while eating), oh! there are those that pronounce ‘fork’ as ‘ferk’ because it sounds too much like ‘fuck’ and they can’t be caught saying such. These ones eventually grow up to work with Nigeria newsdesk where they spell ‘sex’ as ‘s-x’. there are those (like my barber) that out of nowhere send you whatsapps saying shit like “hello” Me: “Hi, I’m sorry who’s this?” Him: “It’s chuks, your barba, how r u?” Me: (after being stunned for like 10 secs and trying to be nice) “Oh ok, I’m good, at work. Thanks” Him: “When r u comn bak?” Me: End chat. Sometimes I don’t know if this Whatsapp is a blessing or a curse. Plus now that facebook has bought it over, say hello to the resurrection of old friends.

Ah well, use the comment box, share some annoying habits you and people you know have. Cheers