Guy Unchained Vol 2

Good afternoon people.

How many of you kept up with Wale on twitter days prior to the release of Ambition? Did y’all notice how nervous he was? That was exactly how I felt when Terdoh informed me the Guy unchained Vol. 1 was TSC worthy. Honestly, I was thinking the article wouldn’t get up to five appreciative comments but y’all proved me wrong, it got over 13 comments!! Yes! It’s such a big deal for me, for a minute I forgot I had a big dick.  I mean it was sorta a Yeezus moment for me like I didn’t have to throw in funny pictures here and there.

Thanks guys.

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NOW THE APOLOGY:

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I never planned to take this long in putting out the second volume but believe me, it was for the better. See, the story is non fictional and was quite incomplete at the time I started writing the first volume. I have always been an optimistic person who thinks optimism is good, I was sure of winning. You feel me, right?

Right?

-this is where you as a loyal reader who wants to read the second volume of this story puts your left hand on your chest and say “YES”.

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BACK TO BUSINESS

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Y’all already know Yvonne came to my place and I decided to put in the work, right?

Ok! Leggo!

EXCERPT 2:

ME: had you been expecting me to say the L word?

I was sure of everything. My plan was Kim-Kardashian-ass perfect, I could tell she was taking aback by the question.

EXCERPT 2.1:

HER: You never had the courage to say it back then when you used to visit me twice a day, call me thrice a day and I can’t possibly tell what drug is trying to give you the courage to that now.

That was a bit mean. I didn’t grimace though; I have learnt to put on a poker face over the time. I starred at her eyes for some while, it was then I realised her eye balls were brown. The atmosphere was intimately calm.

EXCERPT 2.2:

ME: I am not planning to say the L word yet, my lady. I am just trying to see if you are expecting something more than just a mere sexual relationship from me.

That was a bold but necessary move. Her face was expressionless, I couldn’t tell if she took it well or not.

EXCERPT 2.3:

HER: oh! It’s such a pity, you know. Your libido has more courage than your heart, aren’t you ashame?

“ashamed” I quickly corrected.

EXCERPT 2.4:

HER: I should be leaving, Frank. Thanks for the entertainment.

…and she left. Just like that! My ego was a bit wounded, it was smashed, crushed, melted, refrigerated and broken but I still saw that as a “bit wounded.” Entertainment? That’s what she called it? Who’s gonna be horny at night? Who’s gonna be tempted to masturbate with a big kitchen spoon? I agreed with myself and my demons not to call her but to go searching for a next one.

Many days went by, fam and everything was still stale. I literally woke up to find “bean seeds” on my bed, my balls were navy blue in colour and I was still searching for a next one.

P.S: I am very selective.

After few more days of masturbating with a big kitchen spoon (I guess), she called. I felt my soul moonwalking to my ringtone for a while before I picked the call.

EXCERPT 2.5:

ME: hey! Come by 4pm then.

HER: what! I am already on my way. Wait! How did you know I was coming?

Nice move, right?

EXCERPT 2.6:

ME: my instincts. I miss you.

HER: oh my! Honestly, I am speechless. Is it moment of truth already? I have been thinking about you, you are now funny and interesting. You deserve more than bare friendship.

Life is no nollywood. I was twice as surprised as you. Things were beginning to fall in place while I was still yet to finish the Chinua Achebe most talked about novel, THINGS FALL APART. She came in no time, we ate while talking about different things (only children and older people obey table manners), she refused eating the piece of meat on her plate though and gave an excuse of being a vegetarian. It was all fun sha plus she gave me a kiss and that sorta started everything. The gods finally put me in the game.

She visited regularly, she brought gifts regularly and got fucked what?

-this is where you all stand up and say “REGULARLY” in unison.

That was where I lived up to before sharing the first volume on TSC with y’all.

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NOW THE EPILOGUE

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MOST RECENTLY:

After an exhausting sex session..

EXCERPT 2.7:

HER: this thing we are having, what does it mean to you?

Can’t a young nigga write jamb only once? Pffft! We all hate that question, right?

EXCERPT 2.8:

ME: why catch feelings when you can request for another round?

HER: wait! You just want me for sex? You want to treat me the way you treat other girls?

I was confused.

EXCERPT 2.9:

ME: yes! I want you for only sex. Sweet and amazing sex and what other girls are you talking about?

HER: Am I the only one you are interested in?

ME: you used to be but not again. I found someone more interesting, her name is Tonye.

HER: Tonye? But Tonye is my friend. What’s so special about that girl that fucks around? I don’t wanna believe you are into elasticity challenged vaginas.

Do girls really have “friends?”

EXCERPT 3.0:

ME: I don’t care, my lady. With the size of my dick, every pussy is tight.

HER: you think you are funny?

ME: and interesting. You said that yourself. I don’t understand why a vegetarian would fall in love with this particular piece of meat.

I said waving my dick at her. Boss!

She just wore her clothes, picked her bag and left. The only thing sweeter than revenge is pussy and I got both, BOSS BAWSE!

P.S: I just finished reading THINGS FALL APART.

-Bitchboy Dickfree

Turn Down for WHAT?!

I’m not even happy this morning.

Like I can’t even take this thing again. It’s just downright annoying and so I’ve decided to come talk about It here with the hope that the specie to whom this behaviour is commonplace with can fix up.

If you’ve ever loved a girl, then you’re probably familiar with heartbreak. The two are almost mutually inclusive as you cannot have one without the other. Note that I didn’t say “if you’re in a relationship” This is because these days, you don’t even have to be in a relationship to have your heart shattered into a million minute fragments. I’m just tired. Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not of the opinion that hearts shouldn’t be broken but my grouse is that if you’re going to do something so life defining, at least put some effort into it. Don’t just toss the nigga into a blender and watch him get ground to smithereens.

If you’re going to turn a guys’ advances down, Please don’t do it in a way that he becomes the Hitler of our time.

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Yes, In case you don’t know, Hitler became the way he became because some chick told him she wasn’t going to date him if he was the only figure on the calendar. Go on Wikipedia that.

Dear God, in this my life, I have heard the silliest reasons for turning a guy’s advances down. I mean you would think “NO” was more than a two letter word with the way you girls creatively come up with your reasons. How hard is it to say “No, I can’t date you?” But you people allow the devil and the host of hell to use you. You don’t have to add an explanation. Even if he looks like his whole world is about to crash, DON’T EXPLAIN!

Well, except he asks “why”

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please...

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please…

Here are some downright ridiculous responses I’ve heard in this my stellar lifetime

DISCLAIMER: The turn downs listed herein are not peculiar to me and may or not have been first hand experiences. These could be sourced as a result of various testimonies shared by fellow bros over bottles of Jack Daniels and cheeks  flowing with tears.

1. “It’s not you it’s me” This one is the most popular turn down ever. Like WTF do you mean, it’s not me. Haven’t you just evaluated my entire existence and come to the brain clogged conclusion that I’m not good enough. What stupid damage control are you trying to do? By saying it’s you, do you think that makes me feel better? Matter of fact, it doesn’t because you just insinuated that there’s something wrong with my tastes and choices.  So, In other words, I didn’t do my research well before approaching you? Your father must be a lesbian tadpole.

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2. “You’re like a brother to me” You must be very stupid. You know the most annoying thing about this reason? Most times, the guy has invested so much into this pre-asking period. Homie has probably taken her on dates, dinners. Movies etc. My guy has likely even at some point mentioned how much he has in his bank account. See yeah, brotherman has entered his td Jakes “Naked & not ashamed” mode and just when he thinks there is nothing that could go wrong, Aunty puts him in the dreaded “like a brother zone” It’s not even like she puts him in the bro zone, e for better. The “like a brother” zone is non-confirmatory. It’s a “I don’t know what you are to me, but it’s somewhere between a brother and not a brother” In other words, “you confuse me” In other words “you’re a confusion”  If you’re in this zone, brother, you might want to drink rat poison while chewing on cockroaches.

Real

Real

3. “I like you too much to spoil what we have with a relationship” WHAT?!!! LMAOOOOO…This is similar to saying “I love playing FIFA but I don’t want to win a game so I don’t play” Does this make any iota of sense? It’s sayings like these that make me sometimes believe girls have ofio and sawdust where their brains ought to be. If you like him, what’s wrong with a relationship? Why not tell him the truth? This truth is probably (a. You don’t have money (b. She likes someone more (c. You smell (d. You really smell (e. You smell really bad. It’s never sex because she likely hasn’t had sex with you. Girls ain’t gon’ give the box up to some nigga who smells like a skunk wearing ammonium perfume. But yeah, it’s always better to just let out the truth.

4. “You’re a great guy but…” Look, if you ever hear this as opening statement, It’s ok to just stop her mid-sentence, shut her up, leave the location and never come back again. This is because what will follow will definitely fuck up your self-esteem for generations. Save yourself the damage. See, if not you’ll hear shit like “…you’re not just my type”, “…we can’t ever be together. “…You’re short and I want my kids to have a father they can look up to” or “…no one wants a 4 inch fully erect dick” See? Flee my nigga

There’s many more I’m sure but space won’t let me exhaust them all. I know you guys have experienced much more,  Here’s some…

g5PeD

Ladies, I love you and all but let that guy down easy. The truth is always better but if it’s going to hurt real bad, then shut the hell up and just say “no” Some scars are hard to remove and rather than be the witch appearing in his nightmares, be as nice as you can. If he can however handle the truth and keeps pressing for an explanation, then drop it like it’s hot .

Lastly, ladies I beg you…

Don’t be the one to suggest “Let’s still be friends”

The Mermaid

So here I was doing my regular rounds of wasting insane amounts of time on the internet reading articles and looking for something to write about when I stumbled on a picture by Advice Mallard duck that said something along the lines of “Go back and watch those movies you watched as a child, the movies don’t change, but your views on them do” or something like that.

So I decided, what the hell. There’s all this unused bandwidth. Might as well…

I spazzed on Disney. I mean, Disney literally owns our childhoods. Let’s face it. More than half the shit we watched on Channels Tv every afternoon between 12 and 6 was made by Walt’s studios.

So here we are downloading everything from Hercules to Lion King 1, 2, and 1½ to Anastasia, to the still funny 101 Dalmatians, to Jungle Book, to Lilo and Stitch, to goddamn Peter Pan (this movie was created in 1953 by the way so if you saw the premiere, please this post is not even remotely for you. Click here to go where you ought to be.)

One thing I discovered was that there were so many sequels to the cartoons we watched as kids. I didn’t even know Mulan had a part 2.

And the Good Lord knows I saw a whole lotta stuff! This will probably constitute a new series. Maybe I’ll start a column on Disney discoveries and shit. But before I go too far with my plans, today we will be talking about a little girl in a little movie titled “The Little Mermaid”.

Behold...your childhood.

Behold…your childhood.

For those who either didn’t have a childhood, or were too busy rolling tyre on the streets (don’t act posh, we all know an Isiwaju) here’s a quick synopsis:

So the King of the Sea, Triton (that’s supposed to be Poseidon) had a rebellious little princess, Ariel, who wanted to explore and see what was out there above the sea like all these young bitches these days; can’t stay at home, always wanna turn up on some beach.

Ariel’s dad forbids that shit but Ariel, being the hoe that she was, it just made her want it more. Ariel saves a prince, Eric, from a shipwreck, and on THAT SAME DAY falls in love with the prince. But she can’t be with the prince cos she got a fish tail see? So she goes to meet the sea witch Ursula to give her legs. Ursula agrees, on one condition: Ariel gotta trade her voice in for legs yeah? And if the homie Eric doesn’t lock lips with her after three days, Ariel goes back to being a mammy water and comes to be a slave to Ursula.

Seems like a sweet deal, doesn’t it?

Even back then in my childhood I thought Ariel was a dumb broad. I mean, lose your voice so you can get to make out and get legs to spread huh? But she was just 16, and so desperately in love, so we’re not judging.

Meanwhile, at the point where Ariel saves Prince Eric the Dumb, she sings to him. So he recognizes her voice. Then he comes to and he sees her. He sees her, people. Now tell me, when you look at this face, what’s the most striking feature to you?

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No it’s not the eyes. Let’s have that again just so we’re clear. What is the most striking feature about this chick?

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That’s right. We don’t have to think long and hard about this. It’s the red hair. There’s a lot of red hair running around. You can’t miss it. It wasn’t like it was at night. This ain’t no club pickup. It was in broad daylight.

Let’s just keep that in mind while we continue.

So Eric, being an 18 year old man-whore also falls in love with Ariel (or the idea of her) and decides he’s not gonna marry anyone till he finds her. Then one day, his dog (who was present during the famous rescue) finds her, Ariel, on the seashore. This is after Ariel had traded her voice for legs so she can’t speak and say “kiss me nigga”. But any logical human with senses should recognize a face like that. I mean, if you can recognize the voice, you can recognize the freaking face. Men are naturally visual beings. Right?

Nope, not our dear prince.

So he takes her in cos he’s a good-natured whore then he decides he should show her around. So they go on a boat trip, on water, because a mermaid has to return to her roots.

Dumb ass nigga

Dumb ass nigga

Introducing Sebastian the Crab. One of the dumbest Disney characters right after this nigga right here:

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And this nigga right here:

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But we’ll get to that. Eventually.

During the boat trip, her accomplice and ‘guardian’ Sebastian, starts singing “Kiss the girl”. During which he even whispers “her name is Ariel” to the Prince.

Now, I don’t get that. Sebastian knew she had to get that kiss. Sebastian knew what was at stake. If he could whisper her name to Eric, why didn’t he just go “Look bitch, cut the crap and kiss the girl otherwise she’ll be eternally bound to the sea witch. We literally don’t have all day”? But no….it seemed more logical to get the entire aquatic race to come perform an orchestra.

Was a good song though. I want it played at my wedding.

It almost worked anyway. They almost kissed, but Ursula’s minions, Flotsam and Jetsam, (who comes up with these names?) disrupted the party. And since Ursula didn’t want to take any chances, she decides to come make sure Ariel doesn’t get any tongue action. So she appears on land as a woman. And since she has Ariel’s voice, she just walks around the beach singing where she knows Eric will hear her.

Vanessa

Now tell me, Prince Eric you dumb piece of shit, does this look like a red haired beauty queen to you you ridiculous idiot?

I’m still pissed.

Eric the Blind takes in Vanessa (who’s really Ursula) and puts Ariel in the friend zone and decides to marry Vanessa and Ariel cries like a lil’ bitch and yadi yadi ya. Then Ariel gets captured cos her time ran out and she didn’t get that much desired make-out session and then the king, Triton, in a bid to free his daughter, exchanges his soul for hers.

Man, there was some major dumb shit in this movie.

Then the mighty Ursula grows into this big ass monster and Prince Eric uses a splintered ship mast to kill her. That was the end.

And I’m here looking like “what the fuck did I just see?” I felt like I did when I watched Man Of Steel and Kal-El snapped Zod’s neck. Like “That’s it? That’s all?”

Man, I want my childhood back.

Note: Not once did they show Eric’s parents in the movie, or Ariel’s mother.

We really grew up watching teenage girls with clueless guardians who ‘fall in love’ on the first date and trade their most important gifts for legs and a vagina so they can whore about with brainless, fatherless princes who want nothing more than the woman of their dreams but can’t identify them if they were staring them in the face.

But then again, that’s exactly what’s happening today. So I guess Disney was just predicting the future in their cartoons.

The End.

Joo-Joo

Hey guys.

Let’s talk about juju. What do you see, feel or imagine when you hear the word Juju?

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This?

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Or this?

I would like to state emphatically that true Juju, good or bad, IS, and is within every single person you’ve ever met with/currently relate with or you’re yet to meet. I’ll explain.

After having asked several people at random , the general consensus as to the actual definition of Juju seems largely determinable by three factors; Where you’re from, how and where you were raised, and by whom (or what) raised you.

But for the purpose of this gist, I will like to talk about THIS genre of Juju

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She scares Satan. Go figure

Although it’s not really why we’re here today, I’ll neither agree nor argue with anyone who postulates that Juju is a function of the individual’s mindset. With the mind’s power trailing its efficacy in most cases like any other placebo, that would be a hard case to accept or refute.

You might want to read that again slowly to grasp the understanding of the immense magnanimous brilliance I just spewed.

See, no matter who you currently are, as long as you were born human, at some point or the other, you still are were once scared  of those diabolical, unmentionable, unexplained (and probably unexplainable) things you maybe haven’t experienced yet but you’ve been told could happen in or to your very reality.

Especially if you’re a Nigerian, raised in Nigeria.

Here?
Where superstition is a living thing?
LOL. It’s unwritten but you’re expected to believe. So you can solicit sympathy/assistance when you’re faced with circumstances beyond your ken.

Let me illustrate.

The hypothetical average Mr Bomboy steps out of his house in the morning and gets blindsided by a car ten ways to Sunday and survives. Before long, you start hearing “He survived? It’s Juju.”

OR, Mr Bomboy dies. On the spot. You start hearing stuff like “it was Juju. The road was thirsty.”

As per Fanta or Coke is too mainstream yeah?

OR, Mr Bomboy dies later in the hospital. Give it time. Yup, you’ll hear the “it was Juju” theorists.

Or Mr Bomboy has suffered for at least 2 decades in abject poverty and then one day shit was to happen (as shit always does) either by Bomboy’s machination or nah, and Bomboy’s fortune gets reversed for good. Then Bomboy buys a Range sport and moves out of the red Sea into his Canaan without pausing to spit in the wind? Of course you people will be waiting.
To say it.
To say it was Juju.
That Juju did it for him.

Or Mr Bomboy died somewhere far from home and as his corpse is being transferred back home for the funeral, the vehicle transporting the corpse has a horrible accident… Well

Anyways, we can infer the basic meaning(s) of Juju from the assumptive postulated scenarios of the life and times of the unfortunate Mr Bomboy.

Juju is commonly the concocted label that can (and is usually) pasted on acts or happenstances that the majority of witnessing parties deem supernatural. Or diabolic. Or scientifically nor religiously unexplainable.

That seems to be the only way I can explain it. From findings,  there appears to be different types, categories and sublets of the perceived phenomenon that is called Juju. We’ll talk about that in a bit.

Some call it Jazz. Some call it Voodoo. Some call it Eco. Some call it Kobnomi. Some call it format. Some call it Science. Asians call it Jutsu. Some call it Otumokpo.

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Hear, hear

Now let’s talk about the various types /groups and associative categories of Juju as portrayed by perceived incidents and literature in Nigeria and around the world.

The love or affinity Juju.
Bomboy meets the girl of his dreams in 3D. He continually tries several things and eventually they end up together.
You people will say Bomboy has traveled to some Juju place upon some mountain in Okene and has obtained some means by which he has ‘Jazzed‘ her. If Bomboy blinks too much when talking to her, the theorists will go “AHA! He rubbed the jazz on his eyelids.

Or Bomboy’s got game and he meets the babe and she falls ass over body magic in love with him within a week, theorists will go “AHA! AHA!!! He’s using Touch and follow!

Or our hypothetical Single Bimbo prepares and brings food for everyone to the office on her birthday. The branch Manager eats thereof and falls in love with Bimbo and very soon Bimbo gets engaged? Theorists be pointing like “AHA! AHA!! AHA!!! It’s Kobnomi she put in that food for Manager. She has washed put inside!

The transformation Juju.

This type is probably the most unbelievable type of Juju that goes on every single day. Very common especially with the ladies.

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Even when you’re staring at evidence, your eyes continue to fuck with you

The Offensive/defensive Juju.
Heard a story once about a guy, during a heated altercation  at a bus park, who removed his shirt and threw it in the air.
AND.
IT.
HUNG.

THERE.
MIDAIR.

Whereupon his opponent fled.

Hmmmm and Hian.

The Financial Juju.
Where Bomboy opens a shop beside someone selling provisions. And Bomboy is selling provisions too. And from the day Bomboy moves next door, customers abruptly stop patronizing the neighbor and buy only from Bomboy.
AHA! AHA!! AHA!!!

*sigh*

Our movie industry is not even helping matters at all as regards dissemination of corrective information to their large audience of potential Juju theorists . With their portrayal of Juju as the primary cause of everything wrong with everything and everyone, little wonder the average Nigerian has deemed it fit to codify everything happening as caused by Juju or solvable by Juju.

In almost every Nollywood movie there’s a relative or friend of Bomboy who has turned into; or sent something like the… Thing that seems to crawl out of those fevered types of nightmares with one when one’s really really sick and hallucinating to victimize poor Bomboy. ALWAYS.

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ah bite ya nose

And there’s a real life Bomboy too who will watch that movie and start believing all his problems were caused by Juju. Thereby immersing himself in the beliefs of the belief troubling the theorists.

So when next something goes wrong, Bomboy starts to look for protection or solutions from the resident native doctor. Or the one atop some mountain top in some fabled far off place.

And even when Bomboy does not go to any mountain top but decides to take his problems to Synagogue where he believes it can be solved…

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You people are already  gathered and setting boobytraps in the comment section of Lin-Lin’s blog like “AHA! AHA!! AHA!!!

*double sigh*

Moving on, let’s talk about the issue of sacrifices and the part they play in the Juju gist.

See, I’m not sure what I would do if I ever saw someone tying a white wrapper and placing a claypot with Eko, and boiled eggs and palm oil beside the junction close to my house. Last last we must bring police into the matter. Because… WHY???

For, believe in it or nah, almost all normal people would like to avoid being dragged into someone else’s spiritual battles.
Just imagine. 5am, you’re preparing to go for a jog and you open your gate to see an elderly person tying white wrapper dropping a claypot opposite your house.

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This boiled eggs and palm oil life

I mean what would you do? Where do you see the rest of your day going?

Then, Nollywood portrays the most execrable images of native doctors. A. K. A Dibias/Babalawos

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The Babalawo format

You dun know deh ting

Please, please, please. I’ve never seen a portrayal of a Dibia/babalawo where the doctor didn’t look like the cause of the problems brought to him.

Were I a babalawo, my first spell, by all that’s holy, would be repackaging.

I’d look like Michael frigging Ealy at least before starting the practice in my chosen career. Let me see how customers won’t come.

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How Babalawos should look

Anyway, even though I have tried my darnedest to maintain the requisite pansophical neutrality of belief in the writing of this post, I have to again unequivocally state that I truly believe that all the forms of juju-related issues out there stem from what you listen to and who you relate with.

In the words of Blaise Pascal,
All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

So guys,
What do YOU believe?

*goes back to room and sits alone on floor with arms akimbo*

Guy Unchained Vol. 1

You like a girl?

You have pictured her naked?

You still in the friend zone?

Did you know you can’t can fuck her without dating her?

If “girls” were the name of a university course, I would have been that kid who killed himself due to the annual visitation of failure. Girls are EVE-ool, I still firmly believe Eve was the serpent who tempted herself to eat the forbidden fruit. They got no love for nice guys, they never open their heart for them but somehow manage to accommodate them in a place called THE FRIEND ZONE. It was formerly called SLAVE SHIP, still don’t know who changed the name. I suffered in the hands of so many slave masters. I was too naïve and untrained to create a route to freedom. I was so hopeless and game-less , I even once told a girl that I was a ghost and only her kiss could make me human again, isn’t that awesome?

I was that Mr. Nice guy, that Mr. I-Cant-Live-Without-Her-So-I-Don’t-Wanna-Offend-Her kinda guy, I was that non seasonal Santa Claus, always giving free gifts. I was so comfortable in the friend zone that I started paying rent.

EXCERPT 1: HER: hey honey! Could you please send me N̶5000? I wanna buy a present for my mum, its her birthday and I am so broke. I PROMISE TO PAY BACK.

I could have done some calculations and asked my questions like: Is her mother my mother or mother in law? Why should I give her the money to buy a gift? Does her mother know me? Would she mention me to her mother? But she called me “honey,” so I agreed to be a ghost writer for such a wonderful song. Honestly, I thought I would get a “gramophone,” I thought I would get laid.

EXCERPT 1.2: ME: pay back? Oh please! You don’t have to, SEND ME YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER.

I sent her the cash Just like that. I even called to ask her if she got an alert, see the life?

Shiko Shiko Manzuri; A thousand masturbation sessions later, I was still waiting to get laid. Ever purchased some stuff online and weeks after you are still waiting for the supposed “fast delivery?” That was how I felt, like a true loser. The opportunity came for me to travel out of my city and I grabbed it. Port Harcourt was like a new world to me. I hooked up with new friends, got introduced to weed, coda, LSD among others, the mental trips were funny and scary at the same time. I dined with ‘bad boys and girls’, learnt a lot of new things and fucked a lot of crazy chicks. That was the great metamorphosis, I was finally a MAN. I returned back to my city a changed person. Everything was new, everyone was now grown up including my former slave masters. I played that new old guy for a while, vibed with old pals, it was really fun.

Something extraordinary happened one fateful night, Karma appeared to me in my dream. I couldn’t picture a face but I sure heard a feminine voice say a whole lot, “never allow a debtor go free, the scars should remind you of the offender” were the only words I remembered the next morning. I was a bit confused for a while till it finally hit me, Karma wanted me to avenge the death of my old self, the Mr. Nice guy.

As God would permit, Karma brought one of my former slave masters, Yvonne, to me. We clicked on different occasions, I learnt more about her, she shared cock tales over glasses of cocktails, not like I asked after her past conquests though. Someone was indeed getting comfortable. I saw the IOIs (indicators of interest for you dummies) and had to be verbal about my feelings towards her. Opportunity made her present in my house one very Thursday and I laid down my scheme of work for her.

To be continued…

By Bitchboy Dickfree.

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So a good friend of mine sent this in and I just HAD to put it up. Let us know what you think about the write-up and if you’d like to see a sequel.

Dates, Pick-up Lines And Shit

Hi guys,

Good day to those at the top of the Premier league, those that kill the ability of strikers, those who believe money answers all games and those who depend on others results so they can feature in the Top ten.

Capture

So basically, the TSC team decided to pool together a couple of interesting subjects and share our various opinions on these topics. These range from spirituality, relationships, secrets, fighting , sex, public transportation and a whole lot more. The thing is, we are going to be sharing our personal opinions, ideologies and/or experiences on these matters so while you may or may not agree with them, I must say that they are OUR PERSONAL VIEWPOINTS.

I get to start today and I’ll be writing on “Dates, Pick Up lines and shit”

I’m just going to drop these gold nuggets and ride off into the sunset (maybe continue at some later date).

Today, we shall discuss a worldwide phenomenon; an occurrence that has plagued members of the male folk for centuries now. One of the hardest things for us as guys to do is say the right words to a woman we like. Let’s be real, in that moment when you’re in her presence, you wanna ensure your words are laced with gold. You wanna make sure your words have the capacity to put some sort of smile on her face. You want her to giggle, to laugh…because if you can genuinely make her laugh, then my nigga you’re half way there. Marilyn Monroe endorsed this…

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However what we want is shit compared to what we really do or say…

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At that time, our brain gets clouded by a thousand and one thoughts all at once and we begin to foam at the mouth.  Our heart begins to rattle like the soundtrack of Drumline or a Neptunes production. Basically, we become retarded. How on earth then do we initiate conversation? What pickup lines do we use? Do we throw on our faux Harvey Spector swag or just stick to our Sheldon Cooper geekiness?

I should probably talk about the things you really shouldn’t do.

1. “Tell me about yourself” – It doesn’t matter if it’s a date or a mobile conversation, this phrase is for INTERVIEWS not informal meetings. Some may say there’s nothing wrong with it but truth is; it’s a cliché, selfish way of getting to know a person. If you ask me this, I could say “I’m 50, retired  419 kingpin who found Jesus and now wants to live right” Thing is, anyone can give you a story. Best bet is to ask direct questions that improve CONVERSATION than leave one person to do all the talking. If that’s boring, you could suggest you play a game where you guess stuff about the other person and see how many you get right.

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Quick tip: You don’t have to guess stuff like “you’re the first child” etc Make it steamy like “you’re wearing a thong right now” I’m sorry if she gets up and walks away or hangs up the phone, she was never good enough tbh. HAHA

2. Ditch the pick-up lines. “Your father must be Osama cos you’re the bomb” really? REALLY? “The spaces between your fingers were made so that mine will fit it” ARE YOU SMOKING EXPIRED PANADOL?!! “Heaven must be weeping because they’ve lost an angel” The only thing lost here seems to be your brain DPMO!!! If I was the girl, I’d probably just do away with the convo at this point. Pick-up lines were left behind in the 90’s, don’t make an ass of yourself just cos you want to impress her. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t compliment her but try not to sound like Jim Iyke at the Synagogue deliverance session while at it. You can use these ones though…

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3. So you’ve had a first date and all seems well, Bruhhh I know you’re excited nshit cos you dropped your  A- game and you had ol’girl grinning like a Cheshire but lemme hola at you real quick; Sorry to burst yo bubble my man, but now isn’t the time to be all over her like white on rice. A little space don’t kill anyone. Basically man, DON’T BOMBARD HER WITH CALLS OR IMS. Let her breathe. Of course you should check up when you can at intervals but don’t be Mr regular on her Whatsapp or iMessage (notice I didn’t say BBM? I’m an asshole, I know). Because let’s face it, what do you want to talk about all the time? You come across as jobless and clingy. Ladies don’t want that (well, the sensible ones really)

4. Point number 3 always raises the question “So when should I hit her up?” These things don’t have set time stamps man, Just like you know when you gotta go to the loo, it’s similar feelings.  The next thing you should never do is live beyond your means. So you’re trying to bag that high class chic but we all know you stay in my side of town and you’ve got my type of money that is planned on per month basis (life is hard my nigga), The best you can do is be real with yourself. Don’t put up fronts because you wanna impress cos the same momentum you start with is the same you’ve gotta maintain. I’m not now saying you should do a buka first date but guy, if na amala and ewedu you fit afford, better find babe wey go happily throwback that amala with you.

So yeah, you’ve done your part and alladat, the ball is eventually in her court, leave it there. I know you wanna know where you stand and all but it’s never a good idea to bombard her. Some of you niggas even start using pictures of her as DP, putting up corny ass status messages, your tweets become Drakish and you just sound like a retard without even trying. My advice? Lean back. If she’s into you, she’ll let you know sooner or later, and if she don’t, it’s ok to eventually ask.

And guys, “No” is an answer.

Abeg I’m tired. Good luck