Late Sadiq’s 30 Rules

In the year 1960, my great-grand father, Sadiq (nicknamed “Sir Dick” for his lengthy penis) wrote down a few guidelines for the future Nigerian (male) youths with the hope of sneaking it into the constitution. Sadly, it was rejected and called “a huge waste of time”. Sadiq is dead but I, El-Farooq shall carry on his legacy and share his rules with you with the hope that lives will be touched. [don’t ask how he knew about stuff like FIFA games & selfies back in 1960, just umm…play along]. Ladies, you can read this too & set your man straight:

editors note: I mean, if he’s not straight and he’s your man, you already have a problem

1. In a game of FIFA (or in actual football kick-around) with your buddies you are NOT allowed to refer to a “cross” as a “pull-out”. This is to avoid controversial statements such as “O boy! Bayo, that pull out mad oh. See as you no even waste time just dey use pull out dey finish me. And you come sabi head well. Na you bad pass for pull-out & heading”.

2. Under no circumstance is a guy allowed to use his hard earned money to purchase an umbrella neither is he allowed to use one (except while sharing it with a lover). However, he is allowed to accept it as a souvenir at a wedding but must dump it in the closest trash right after the reception is over.

editors note: No really, are there guys that buy umbrellas? Are they still referred to as guys?

3. Every guy must have Livescores.com bookmarked on his (and his girlfriend’s) phone/PC. Every guy. Every.

editors note: Some ‘guys’ just went “what’s livescores?” You my friend need to handover your man card. Terdoh doesn’t have Livescores by the way

4. Even if a guy hates basketball, when your mates are talking about the NBA you are to chip in the exact words: “But man, Vince Carter killed it at the 2000 slam dunk contest. Christ!” OR “T-Mac’s 13pts in 33seconds against Spurs is still one of the greatest comebacks of all time, though.”

5. When hosting your friends for an EPL or UCL game (or the El-Classico) it is only normal that the host provides the alcohol while the friends must all bring different variety of “chow” (pizza, suya etc). It wouldn’t hurt for the friends to bring along emergency alcohol, though.

6. Any lady who perfectly explains the offside rule in football should first be double-checked for a penis & upon passing this test should be treated like the goddess that she is.

download (4)

editors note: and you best start treating ‘her’ as one of the guys. These ‘girls’ are the ones you need to hide your PS pad from. NEVER CHALLENGE THEM TO A GAME!!!

7. No skinny jeans.

8. Every guy should have his own badass tailor who sews his own suit for him. Even the greatest ‘suit wearer’ of all time had his.

9. In the immortal words of Big Ghost, a guy is permitted a maximum of 5 selfies per year. If however he does not exhaust these 5 takes, he is not permitted to carry what’s left over to the next year. The count must be restarted.

10. You are permitted to sing R&B songs in a Karaoke bar. It is one of the 2 places on earth where guys are allowed to hit high notes. The 2nd being a (non-prison) shower.

editors note: and please, never speak of what transpired in there with yo homies once you walk out the door. 

11. If a guy spends the night in police custody he is required to spit a rap freestyle consisting a minimum of 16bars to his buddies.

12. You are not allowed to perform CPR on a fellow guy you’re not related to. Let him die in (straight) peace. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Exception: You work for the Red Cross.

13. A guy is not permitted to be a designated non-drinking driver for more than 3 night outs in a row with the hommies. Seriously, just watching your buddies have all the fun & destroy their liver is both lame & wicked. Smart & responsible, yes, but more of lame & wicked.

14. A guy must engage in coital activities with a lady while being tied up and Christina Aguilera’s “Nasty Naughty Boy” playing in the background at least once in his life time.

15. A guy is permitted to cry tears of joy on his wedding day. No G-points shall be deducted from his gangster-account.

Let it out ma nigga

Let it out ma nigga

editors note: afterall, it’s not everyday you tie your nuts.

16. Just like in #4, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan of the rap genre or not, every “Who’s the greatest rapper?” argument may last for minutes, hours or in extreme cases, days but must be halted when one party alters the words “Well, the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th”.

17. No matter how close they are, no two unrelated guys should EVER see a movie at the cinema past 7 o’clock… except Delta Force 1 becomes available in 3D.

18. If a guy ever leaves his house to buy a pad then it better be for his Play Station or X-Box and NOT for his girlfriend or ex-box (apologies for the corny pun).

19. A guy is permitted ONLY ONE pedicure & manicure session in a life time & this must be done when he’s away on a business trip to another city where no one there has a clue who he is.
N/B: This rule has no loophole. Even if you give your life to Christ & become “born again” it still counts as one life time.

20. A guy is permitted only one barber per city. This barber, besides his excellent hair cutting skills must meet the golden law:
When standing, a barber’s pelvic region must be lower or higher than (but never the same level as) his seated client’s head.
[This rule prevents a barber’s emergency boner from having to strike his client on the face or the back of the head.]

Just look at

Just look at

21. “Dangerously In Love” is the greatest Beyoncé song of all time & thus, it’s understandable for a guy to play this while thinking about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. However, “Run The World(Girls)” is complete trash and should never be found on a guy’s iTunes.
N/B: Every guy, upon access to a lady’s laptop, must search for this song in her music folder, hold down the shift key & alter the words “F*ck that sh*t!” while aggressively striking the delete key.

22. A guy without the ability to grow facial hair has two options to make up for it:
-Work out at the gym for 28hrs a week to make up for it with a buff body.
-Take his life by jumping off a bridge.

23. Upon seeing a flying cockroach in the presence of a lady friend, a guy is to puff out his chest and tell his (presumably) freaked out lady friend “don’t worry baby, I’ll kill it”, walk out the room, let out a shriek (inaudible to the lady friend in the room), do 10 push-ups then go back there and kill it. Running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

24. When one of your buddies is pretending to be a celebrity in order to pick up a chic, all the remaining members of the crew are required to act star-struck and ask for a picture when they walk past him. Autographs are too damn suspicious in this part of the world.

25. A guy is required to carry his extremely wasted friend all the way home & leave a bottle of water & chow beside him. When he wakes up & the whole story of how you carried him home is being relayed to him, he is to express his gratitude of the kind gesture with only two words “My nigga!” & never speak of it again.

26. Just like a guy has his own preferred brand of beer (HEINEKEN!!) and/or rum (CRUZAN!!), a guy must have his own preferred brand of Newspaper which he must read at least 3 times a week. Seriously, you’re a man, read the damn papers & know about the happenings in the country.

27. Nature played a cruel prank us by making bananas go with nuts (groundnuts). While it is obviously not avoidable, there are rules for eating it:
-Two guys must never make eye contact while eating a banana.
-A guy eating a banana in public must break off part of it and eat but never put the whole thing in his mouth.
-A guy purchasing a banana must not complain/compliment the bananas & nuts. This is to avoid statements such as “Your banana too strong jor. You wan kill me?” or “This banana too soft. Be like say you no like me. Give me better banana jor”

28. A guy is to hold open the door of his car for a lady to enter except he has paid for her services or she is a feminist.

29. 3 things a guy must never admit to having no experience in; Driving a stick, killing a chicken and making a lady cum.

30. *To be filled by reader*

 

– RJ

Gracias

WHOOOP!!!!

SO!

Arghmaigerd you gois! Arghmaigerd!

:’)

Okay okay…

*wipes tears*

You’re a real nigga Terdoh. You can’t be doing this in public.

Okay okay okay…

So last night, all three members of the TSC admin were in an executive meeting, waiting for the awards to be announced.

*slow drumroll*

Robert Downey Jnr. in the Iron Man suit stares at camera.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, boys, and men with tits, I have in my hands the winner to this year’s Most Humorous blog for the Nigerian Blog awards.”

*Everyone waits with bated breath* 

Well not really. We were all almost falling asleep. Dammy One of us was actually deep snoring n shit. Everyone’s refreshing the @naijablogawards TL watching for their own blog and then suddenly…

WE WENT FROM…

TO…

TO…

 

TO…

 

AND THEN OF COURSE…

We went ambulance crazy! All we did was “wee wee wee” no matter what! It was an amazing night! People crowding our mentions and our chat boxes with congratulations! Phone calls… (Kel and Dammy, did you guys get any phone calls? I didn’t. I just assumed you did because you know, people love you gois :’)

editor’s note: I got one this morning

Too awesome!

Anyway, it will be unusually lazy of all three of us if we don’t give you a thank you post immediately right? Right?

Can’t be left out…

So…

THANK YOU!!!

Thank you thank you thank you thank you!

THANK YOU!!!!

We would have written a list of “Thank yous and ova ish” but it would be hella painful if you went back to the list one day if we didn’t win and then you’ll be like “Kai! Messuff!”

But anyway, we did win for THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING, so I have to whip up a makeshift list, you know…

Thank you to:

Every single person that used their Kilobytes and Megabytes to open that page and click that tiny radio button next to our blog and used their multiple e-mail addresses to vote for us. You guys make awesome look stupid. We can’t say thank you enough but… wait! Actually, we can! “Thank you enough!”

*sniff*

Thank you to:

To all of you who took out days, and sometimes weeks, to compose a single post just for the sole purpose of making people laugh, or smile, or at least blow air through their nostrils, to all of you who wrote features for our blog, especially during the For Uncolored People series (cos we can’t even front, that series was too instrumental in getting us votes n shit). So to @Colormycake (Otas baby, we have mad love for you. We know how hard It was mayne. Really, we love you girl), The Tush Aboki @MallamSawyerr A-Cup @Andhiii, Sick @C1kko, Immortal @NickFisher, the amazing @Demi_Carson (who came through for us twice in like 3 weeks) and my former present future wife @RaliaDSugarGirl. editor’s note: very lazy girl that one

Also, thank you to:

all the folks who featured on perSPECTIVES, that’s counting The Weird @weird_oo, the inane Bobby @SirScribbles, Our own Femi @MallamSawyerr (who always seems to come through for us (Baba, you need to write more oh!), Banks @xoAFRO (boss! Congratulations on your award man!), @CeceNoStockings (we love you baybuh!), the delectable @MsJulz (awwwks!) and to VIC VIC!! @The_Daywalker_

To all y’all on twitter who gave us moral support and kept asking us “any new post?” Yeah! Your peer pressure is the reason we always make sure we deliver.

It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t acknowledge The Godfather™. It was his idea that we join forces because two heads are always better than one. And we’re not even talking about this threesome that we have. No homo. So, this is our acknowledgement to Wole The Godfather™ @TTXIII (Also known as @TNC_AlChemist). Thank you boss, for that flash of genius.

Meanwhile, this is the part where I add that we’re gonna be celebrating with Sharwarma and Juwees this Saturday. Kelvin is taking us out. (No for real. He can’t escape from this one).

editors note: Wait, What? You’re going to die Tee

Again, we say a deep heartfelt, heartwarming thank you to everyone who voted for us and everyone who made this possible. Thank you again and again and again! You awesome mortals.

@Terdoh for TSC

Short Story day

So, it’s International day for short stories and of course we at TSC can’t carry last. Staying true with jokes and humor tho, I shall hereby write a short story. It’s one of my favorites and based on true happenings. Read and enjoy..
—————————————————————-

It was the year 2012, in the land of Nigeria where good leaders existed…

The end.

How not to…

Yo! *throws gangster signs* actually, it’s really the peace sign upside down, yeah you know, the ‘n’ sign. it means “whats up my nigga?” What? it is what i say it is. Dont come all up on TSC and be questioning my authority. who the hell do you think you are? *calms down* Anyway, like i said, it’s a month of guest features, Today, i introduce a new category. Sha read it and you’ll understand it. i don’t have time to explain anything.

Let’s give a sarcastic welcome to @Salliness

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

I saw a tweet from one of my most favourite persons, asking if some people actually need to be sent a memo on how not to be stupid and boy I’ve asked myself the same question over and over ’cause the way people go on with their life you’d think they actually needed it. Then again, if a memo of that sort was to be sent out, how would it read? Anyway, yours faithfully took it upon her to try to actually write one because first of all, I think I’m not stupid. So that should qualify me well enough as to write a memo of this nature, but hey my level of stupidity is not in contest so there you go

*editor’s note* A memo on how not to be stupid can only be written by one who has previous experience and unchallenged expertise on the subject. We shall not contradict your memo. We however believe you are DEFINITELY qualified to teach us. You may proceed o ye stupid one…

FROM: Me (@Salliness)

TO: The world

DATE: Forever

SUBJECT: HOW NOT TO BE STUPID

Well, you can if you really want to...

  • Google is your friend.

Seriously if you don’t know something, Google it. If you are not sure of anything; Google it! If you don’t have internet connection around you, phone a friend. Never, ever exhibit your ignorance in public. You are allowed to contribute when there is a discussion going on, however do not go around saying stuff like “so Beyonce named her baby Blue Ivy Carter. I thought JayZ was beefing Lil Wayne.”

*editor’s note* so he isn’t beefing Lil Wayne? I’m sorry if i sound stupid though but how does…you know what, forget it. Let me just Google.

Google can be an ass sometimes tho...

 

  • There is no Pulitzer or Nobel Prize for Stupidity.

Hell, I had to Google this just to be sure. You can not be going around displaying stupidity if there isn’t a prize for it or at least a proper record of it for posterity sake. So best be aware that if you are actually trying to be stupid you are not in contest with anyone. You’ll only end up making a fool of yourself. Carry on.

Dear writer, Y U NO Google well?

*editor’s note* I beg to differ here. There are various prizes for stupidity. How can you say it isn’t a contest? You think Mr Ibu just enjoys fooling himself for free? His prize? His pay-check…Nowadays sef, i think a certain GEJ is in contest with him on “So you think you are stupid?”

Oh and in addition to those two, there are these other two ‘humans’ who amuse me with the depth of their shallowness on your TL’s. They aren’t on mine because they’ve been blocked and muted in every way possible. Abeg lemme not get carried away, theirs is a rant for another day. Carry on…

  • You are not OBLIGATED to resend every message.

Pardon me, but I just had to re-iterate this. Although it’s actually painful that as over flogged as this issue has been we still find these people among us just like the Bible said about the poor. Do you read or listen to obituaries? Cause of death still carries stuff like ‘died after a brief illness’ ‘or died in an accident’ you know, shit like that. Nobody has ever died from not rebroadcasting a message. I hear its now on instagram as well. I’m really not surprised. Hell, I saw it on my office intranet the other day so I guess like the poor we will always find them among us. *sigh*

*editor’s note* WHAT?? They now broadcast messages on Instagram? Muahahaha…and here i was still recovering from the proliferation of WhatsApp by these broadcast infidels. Noooo. There’s nowhere to run or hide anymore. I guess we should all accept our fate, hold hands and sing kumbaya.

PS: Are you saying broadcasters are poor?

  • The ‘Zipper’ hair-do.

Like lace wig wasn’t bad enough, someone had to come up with putting zippers on the hair? The first time I saw that shit was in November last year when I went to pick up my NYSC call up letter from school. I just thought hey, this is Benin; these girls have been colour blocking and rocking bleached stretch marks since 1978 so they have to always come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation. Then I got to camp (Lagos; mind you) and I saw a girl carrying it (no, not the same girl from Benin) and then another girl and yet another. Let’s just say that the sight of each of those girls with that hairstyle scarred me deeper.

See why i said we should sing Kumbaya? Kill me already!!!

You will NEVER be taken seriously if you carry that hair and in the next 5 years when I become a billionaire and an employer of labour (in plain terms ‘a bawse’) I hope those girls never come to me for a job interview. Yes sir, the stupidity that (wo) men do, lives (sp?) with them.

*editor’s note* NO, NO, NO!!! You did not just go H.A.M on my Benin ladies. What? “…come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation?” I’ll have you know that Benin people are the most travelled and if they start a trend, you might as well accept it ‘cos they know wassup yo. And hey Miss lecturer, imma let you finish but wharrahell is “carry that hair” you see why i said your experience on this topic is priceless? You are even giving us practical examples…sorry #AsyouWere…

  • Nollywood films starring Tonto Dike and/or Muna Obiekwe.

It’s as explanatory as it sounds; don’t ever watch a Tonto Dike and/or a Muna Obiekwe ‘feem’. Period. It has been statistically proven, with econometric tools, to have the capability of reducing your IQ to a negative value. Remember Black Berry Babes? Yeah I tried to watch it and couldn’t make past 10 minutes. I’m allergic to stupidity like that.

*editors note* I watch not Nollywood films, so i know not of what you speak. No editor’s note here. Move on…

  • The walk of shame.

When you find yourself going against any of the mentioned rules to guide you against stupidity, rather than try to defend yourself [thereby increasing the awkwardness of your situation] please do us all a favour and take a walk of shame. For the benefit of any one who does not know how to do so, acquaint yourself by following the steps below;

1. Bow your head

2. Plaster a sheepish grin on your face

3. With your hands raised above your head

4. Run like hell.

Please be guided.

*editor’s note* Let’s just be honest and say she didn’t know how to end this piece. Yes yes, i know some of you are like “err ok. is she calling US stupid?” what can i say? Game recognises game yeah? Lol…

So yeah, this is sorta new (but it may never feature again) category where you send me your post/articles and i attempt to literally tear it to shreds with stupid editor notes just because i can. My aim is to make you look erm..bad. Not bad as in “guy you too bad kinda bad” but bad as in Victor Ikpeba’s “shhh” factor bad.

So if you’re up to it, the email addy remains mrkelvinis@gmail.com

piss out.