Rant Five

Hi Guys,

Grey here.

It’s been one helluva week for us and we’ve been up to a lotta writing. Not here though, I featured on TNC’s “Sins Of The Fathers” series here and so did Sirkastiq here Cumical has been on a break from his usual rounds but he’ll be back this weekend. So if you missed any of our posts, be sure to catch up

Yes

So we all have those particular bitch baby bundles and untidy bales of straw life keeps piling on our metaphorical camels’ backs. Until that moment when life adds that ONE strand of straw. And your camel just cannot take the precise bullshit anymore and you remove the first 3 buttons of your shirt in public, untuck your shirt, ruffle your hair, open the face of your mouth and just go AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Well, yeah. We’ve been receiving posts from you guys about the type of straw your own life wanted to use to put your own camel in a wheelchair without you or your camel’s permission. Today on AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Our guest who prefers to remain anonymous rants about an issue I’m sure most ladies (in her shoes) can relate to. Without further ado…

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Hi TSC,

I dunno how to start this rant but I’m just gonna start anyways.1. I’m 25 (going on 26…ah! Sound of music). I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 16years (close mouth abeg), yep over 9years+. Yet, no ring to show for it. No serious marriage plans.
You know what the annoying part is? All my friends thought I was gonna get married first back in school. Now, even those that were single back then are getting married before me (this life). And of course, I’m always on the train….dancing to “all the single ladies” and jumping to catch the bouquet. I have never caught it.
It got so bad that on 2 occasions, my friends (the Bride) actually walked up to me and handed over the bouquet and said “you’re next.” I just wished the ground could open up and swallow me! Like c’mon I’m not that old nah.
God bless my mum, she doesn’t pester me (much) about marriage. Unlike my Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Neighbours, Colleagues, Boss, Friends….(the list goes on) that have carried it on their head like fila and gele. They always say, “You’re next in line for a miracle” whenever they hear that a friend is getting married.
AAARRRGGHHH!!! Gimme a break please.
And oh, I’m in a long distance relationship.

2. The only thing my mum really pesters me about is the fact that I rarely go out to catch some fun. She says, “this is the best time to hang out with your friends and let your hair down.” Preach my Deaconess mama!
Yielding to her advice, I decided to go out with this guy that has been bugging me for awhile.  We went to Ikeja City Mall for Dinner and a Movie.
While eating at the restaurant, I noticed this guy’s horrible table manner (I mean the whole 9yards). When I couldn’t take it anymore, I snatched my clutch from the table, got up and said “Nah, I can’t put up with this” and headed straight for the exit. Leaving a big O on his mouth while his spoon hung mid air.
I got out and I was thanking who ever came up with the “vex money” rule cos I brought my atm with me. I was just gonna withdraw cash, get a cab and head back home.
As I catwalked to the machine, I searched my clutch for my card, only to realise I’d brought my ID CARD instead of my ATM CARD (see gobe!) I just came to a halt and did a U-turn back to the restaurant without missing a beat.
Luckily, the guy was still there….looking perplexed. I walked up to him and said “Gotcha!!” And laughed like I meant it and he joined in. I sat down and said “Nawa for you ooo, you couldn’t even come after me.” He was like, “I was too dazed to move” with mashed potatoes flying from his mouth.
And I screamed “AAAGGRRHHH!!!!” in my mind.

Anonymous

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There you have it guys. Next time a girl miraculously returns to you after you and your camel have given up on getting lucky? And she says “Gotcha!” or “I was just playing with you”? She has actually thought of leaving you and life didn’t let her. And she’s probably typing a blog post ranting about your gross mashed potato eating ass and sending it to TSC.

Do yourself a favor will you?

Have you played the Street fighter videogame before?

Do you know what Ryu’s uppercut looks and sounds like?

Yeah.

Feel free to use the comment box to share or respond to this post or then again, send yours to us thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com

On behalf of TSC, Grey out. Peace.