afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Sarcastic Corner where we do all the inappropriate shit we do because we can dammit. That’s not really the slogan but it works so I’m gonna stick with it.
Today, on AARRGGHH™ (you gotta say that shit with phlegm) we have a dude who goes by…you know what? I’ll just let him speak.
First of all (don’t do that, please don’t say it…you just had to you bleepi…ah whatever) I want to scream about the Lagos traffic. It is straight from the deepest and hottest part of hell. Especially the kind where you are stuck in it for so long that you start making plans to have dinner right there, then get a bed for the night and you start to think of how to freshen up and head to work the next morning all from the same spot. And you know what makes it more infuriating? When you get to a certain point and the traffic magically disappears! Like what the bloody hell?! I get to that point and the road is as free as a…as a…ok I don’t know what to use there but you get the point. I’m like what then was the cause of the traffic in the first place? It’s like all you evil spirits…yes I know there are evil spirits that come on this blog. No sane human being would continue to come back here every time a post goes up. Wait that means I’m not…ok, back to the matter…damn you for singing to that. Ok as I was saying, you all are still with me right? Right? As I was saying, I get to the spot where the road clears up and I’m wondering, did all you evil spirits decide to hold whatever God forsaken carnival it is you guys celebrate at that spot? Like what the fuck caused the hold up in the first place? Aaaaargh!!!
Secondly, when my body, decides to betray me. Especially when I’m stuck in traffic that seems to be going nowhere. That’s when my body decides that it wants to take a leak. I’m like dude just before I left the office I passed by the toilet but you said “nah mehn, I’m good till we get home”. Now I’m stuck in traffic and you suddenly wanna take a pee? Nigga foh! So what I drank that 7Up Free or Pepsi Light? You were the one who said you were thirsty and dehydrated and needed a drink. Now you want to get rid of the liquid waste with immediate effect. And then I try to hold the pee in but my body is like “screw you mehn. I need you to take a leak NOW! I don’t care if you take a drain from the main vein or if it goes out every pore on your body. You gotta go now”. Imagine! My own body! And don’t even get me started on when it’s number two. Sheeeeesh!
Then there is the issue of people farting in a bus. Like why? Why oh why would you decide to fart in a bus that already smells like an Elephant died in there and was left to rot? And worse still the smell of the fart is worse than what the bus already smells of. What in blazes is going on inside that body? Even a troll’s fart can’t smell that bad. What sort of wickedness is that. Why should I be subjected to such inhumane treatment just because I decided to take a bus ride with you? Don’t worry. Just wait till Baba God decides to return my car from His heavenly workshop where I sent it in for emmm…construction. But till then keep that shit to yourself. I don’t care if it travels up your spine and shrivels up your brain. Just don’t release that shit near me.
Gotta thank Ehidiame (I just went ahead and put his twitter page as a link in case any o’ y’all ladies wants to follow him home in traffic or some of that romantic stuff). Don’t forget to send your complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org. And as long as your angry rant makes us laugh, we’ll post it. Also, don’t forget to use the comment box…
Heehee! Com-ment box…
We love you guys, no freaking homo.