Black Magic

Hey Guys,

First of all, allow me say the joy associated with Victory is mighty awesome. Congratulations Super Eagles for a well deserved AFCON triumph. Sadly, we didn’t get the holiday we desired because we still have a president that…sigh..Anyway, moving on swiftly..

“Valentine again? Mtscheeeew. Abegiii” “Has your lover bought your gift yet?” LOOOL…These are examples of statements you must be seeing/hearing in this ‘season of love’ Yup, It’s Valentine and your darling TSC won’t be left out of all the love and heartbreak. So yes we are here with our Valentine themed series “VALENTUNES” As the name implies; a merger of Valentine (love) stories and music that sorta represents the situations.

Please while we try always to uphold humor as our style, we crave your indulgence on the posts that might have subtle doses.

Let’s kick things off shall we?

*****

HER

“Sometime it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

He was the centre of my world to be honest, you can’t even understand. He was my rock, My anchor and without him now, I feel like my whole world is crashing. The floor has been ripped from under my feet and I’m crashing into an abyss of nothingness. What is this life but a faulty USB Cable? Why is it my connections that fail? Why is it my device that the server refuses to recognize? Don’t tell me it will be alright because you don’t fucking know that. Don’t tell me to stop crying, is it your tears? Is it your make up that’s getting smeared? Of course you have your boyfriend still loving you so why won’t you open your mouth and run it like Chris Brown on some wall?

*wails harder* Tunde, why??? Whyyyy?

*flashes back,  remembers mail*

“I heard that you’re settled down
that you found a girl and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you…”

*ROLLS IN THE DEEP AND WAILS EVEN HARDERRRRRR*

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you *sniff sniff*  FUCK YOU!!! I don’t wish the best for you o, Tunde. Ko ni da fun e laye laye yii *touches finger to tongue and points at sky* Ko ni da fun…*breaksdown*

13 days later…

*opens Twitter account*

Days after…favorites be looking like…

This boy messed me up though, look at my life now. Trying to regain some self esteem via Twitter. Like Tunde used to tell me distance was just a matter of the mind and since we didn’t mind, it didn’t matter. Tunde made me love him. Ah Tunde…Tunde *voice gets shaky* Tun..de *breaks down*

“…And all the time you were tellin’ me lies

So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had tonight
I’m gonna find a way to make it without you..”

*wipes teary face, makes up, pouts and takes raunchy picture*

HIM

Love is an illusion. That’s the best way to define it. Matter of fact, the major problem with human beings is their desire to want to put a label on everything.  That girl you’re fucking (pardon my French) wants to know what “this thing you both have is” She wants you to “define us,” Like that’s not hard enough, she fucking asks the question just after you done given her a sexion to remember. I’m sorry maam, my mind cannot at this moment process any intellectual questions as the blood that ought to flow to my brain is still lodged between my legs.

I don’t believe in tags: boyfriends, girlfriends, shag buddies, friends with benefits balabala. #NoIkechukwu I’m just a go getter, I go for what I want, get it and move on pretty swiftly. Some might consider this being cold hearted but please, aren’t we all?  Reminder: I get what I want.

Having said that, there’s this girl Seggy…

HER

“This boy needs to stop bugging me biko. What it is? I’ve said I don’t want. What part of NO do these guys not understand?  You will just see breast in avatar and the next thing is to follow and start bugging the person.  I’m just going to block him“

“You sef, why you dey use breast if no be to catch mugu?”

“Laide abeg, hold it! There’s freedom of expression and I can very well put up any part of my body I desire. Sadly, I can’t put up my brain so…”

“Na im you nor kuku put your eyeball for there? Dey use breast boost followership like say na push up bra” Shebi you don get 3000 followers now, you dey carry shoulder up and dan because you done arrive”

“Please Laide, It’s never that serious. You’re just exhibiting LWKMD behaviour. See why I don’t follow you?”

“Seggy you be fool. Nor be today your matter dey gran. Mainwhile, may you do well gree for any guy wey torchlight you this period.  Valantine don dey near, me nor dey share shokolate with anybody. I don teh you. May u nor just believe say I go even let u snap with cake wey Akpoborie dey send for me.. ehen.”

HIM

She’s agreed to meet me up after all her shakara. Of course, this is what happens when you do a lot of Interaction via Online media. Let’s not count how many DMs and shit. Girl refused to give me her pin and I ain’t even bothered to be honest.  I’m just gonna play my best card and I hope this works. I can tell from her tweets she just had some sort of messy relationship. This should be easy, No girl (honestly) wants to be alone on Vals day.

*hits play on phone*

“…is it because he treated you badly, I always stand accused?

Protecting yourself from somebody else, I’m not who’s hurting you

And it’s killing me girl knowing you compare me to him,

Always guilty before the sin, I can’t win, I can’t win…

 

He left a scar across your heart, I understand girl

Don’t let his wrongs tear us apart, Girl I’m your man…”

Usher ain’t  never lied. Haha!

HER

“Laide I don’t lnow, this guy is really pushing”

“Tell him NO abeg. Whush kain love? Na Love you wan shop?”

HIM

She said she likes it when I stay, She says she don’t want me to go. She says I always make her day girl would you be my lover no? She says she really likes my style, seems like she wants to take it slow. Do anything to make her smile, girl would you be my lover? No. What am I to do, tired of running around chasing you. I can never think of replacing you cos na you I dey find, baby make up your mind.

Would you be my lover?

HER

OMG!!! Laide, BM might just be the one for me.  I mean he says all the sweetest things. He totally understands where I’m coming from and all. I mean, I don’t even know how he knows so much about me. It’s like jazz or something…”

“E fit be na”

“Laide. Please shut up, I’m telling you that he just might be the 5 to my 6 and you’re saying jazz, Use your never functional brain for once abeg…”

“Ok na, im don gree to val you?”

“Is that what life is about for you? Please BM and I could possibly have a forever to share together. Please focus. We have dinner tonight and then we shall talk about us and where this relationship could be heading…”

“Ok o, sha nor forget may u shave. All these boys dem nor dey like bush. Plus e don tey since pesin enter your kini. BM fit lucky today, abi na?”

UGH!!!!

HIM AND HER

*Dinner Over, In bed,  Sexion over, Naked :D*

*Insert rhythmical trumpet sound in low volume*

Him: *while stroking her face*  “I love it when you smile at me, you will never have to weep with me  | I’ll be that happiness that moves your heart and when you sleep I’ll find my way into your dreams”

Her: AHA!!!! What do you want from me?

Him: AHA? Black Magic repete,  Mo’n se dada  | Mo’n se jeje | Mo fe k’oje bi ore…

*****

Laide, I don’t know what’s going on o..BM hasn’t called me today and it’s almost 4pm. Is this how Vals day will just pass? No flash, DM, Call nothing. He’s not even tweeted anything today. Na wa o.

“Seggy mama, may you cam dan abeg. Im go show ..mainwhile, una nack yesterday? This one wey u come back early momo so, I sure say im nack u wella…mama”

“Laide please, we made love and it was beautiful. He even told me I’ll never weep with him and he’ll be my happiness and then he mentioned something about finding his way into my dreams. So romantic~I just can’t understand why he hasn’t…

“Him wan enter your dream, no be winch be that? Na wa o…”

“Oh please, BM is amazing and you’re just jealous *flips hair* I think I’ve found the man of my dreams. When I asked him what he wants from me, he repeated in the sexiest Yoruba language.. “Mo fe k’oje bi ore..” and said it meant he wants me to be his forever…*swoons*

“WAIT!!! Ore means…

“Is this the dreaded Friend zone?”

– @Sirkastiq

*****

So there you have it. The above is common scenario these days. It’s pretty straight forward really, In these days of Instant noodles, Instant passports, Instagram, Nothing wrong with Instant relationships too. Like the story, there are lots of ‘hunter’s just waiting to prowl. There are also lots of ‘broken’ people these hunters seek to ‘fix’ Ah well, the story is self explanatory. MORAL: I’m not really sure if there’s a moral here but Imma go with..nah find your own moral. So yeah, see you on here tomorrow at noon when the next post comes up