Zoned

*singing* “Been long you saw me, dem say everybody look for me…*chops chops mouth….for those wey no love me, don’t expect me to say sorry, something something something somethiiing..” Yeah i’m sure you catch my drift. It’s been a while huh? i know right? what do you want, a hug? Awww, tell me how much you’ve missed me and i just might do an upgrade and oblige you with a squishy, breast flattening one (girls only please). Anyway, its good to have something to write again, lets jump in shall we?

*insert jump here*

It has been a very eventful past week(s) for me and today we are going to be learning something that affects us all. it’s a phenomena that scientists worldwide have been studying and have finally succeeded in solving. it’s a disease that is no respecter of persons as it affects both the old and young.Ladies, Gentlemen and Tunde Ednut, i’m honored to have been  part of the scientists that have found a cure to this menace, the number one killer of men and women: THE FRIEND ZONE.

DISCLAIMER: Before your sorry asses point fingers and throw stones at me, i must inform you that this post is a result of carefully conducted “research” The content emanates from the findings of other ‘scientists’ and this here blog serves as the confluence of the results I know that awon omo jati jati are looking for the next plagiarist to impale. it shan’t be me *puts hand to mouth and does the whatever-it-is-bush-people-do-when-they-put-hand-to-mouth*

Now we shall proceed.

Like all cases, it is necessary that we dig deep to unravel the mysterious history of the friend zone, before that however, for the unlearned in our midst (i wonder what you’re finding here by the way), i shall give a definiton or two of the friend zone. According to Wikipedia, the “friend zone” refers to a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a romantic relationship while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person. In simple parlance, quoting the revered Mother Theresa, “The Friend zone is that shitty place where the girl you like, for some unknown dumb reason sees you as a brother rather than the guy that should be giving her a good shag on the regular”

Does that illuminate your understanding now, lamp?

Now that we have defined it, let’s dig deep into the anals of history and find out who started this menace that we have faced at one time of the other. Let me take you way back to 1994 where it all started. yes 1994, on that favorite sit-com we all love; “Friends” That’s where the friend zone was born. Remember Ross,and Rachel? The buggers. It is safe to say that the originator of this God-forbid zone is Ross. *minute of silence please*

and thus, a monster was created. 😦

Anyway, Are you in the friend zone? has that girl repeatedly told you “i want a guy just like you,” Are you tired of being the one she asks to go with her to the loo when she wants to pee? Are you tired of the way she tells you all the boys that hit on her? DO YOU WANT EMANCIPATION FROM THIS SLAVERY? If your answers to these questions is “yes” then welcome to your liberation center for the time of your deliverance is NOW! Turn to your neighbor and…look at their cleavage? No? ok. lets move on…

Before we proceed though, it shall be unsafe to assume that some of you even understand the zone you’re in. How are you sure she likes you at all sef? Lets make some things clear and set things straight. Now, these don’t necessarily mean she’s so much into you but at least, it’s a good sign that things could proceed out of the friend zone. 1. She’s laughing at your jokes even when they aren’t funny (i’m sure Terdoo will understand this very easily) just don’t confuse a “get me out of here giggle for OMG!!! you’re slaying me! 2. She tells you to take a sip of her drink…this kinda means “i am comfortable with you on a more intimate level” OR she feels there’s some poison in the drink so yeah…3. She asks you if you have a girlfriend or pries for the information…when a woman is around a guy she is attracted to, she will ask if he has a girlfriend, she might not come out blunt but she will find a way around…4. She calls you a player…strange right? You would think that when she says this, she’s not interested. LIE! This is one of the counter-intuitive things that ladies do, we’ve been in the game long enough to know. When she says this, PLEASE do NOT try to defend yourself and say you aren’t, go on with the convo, smile and say something like “is it that obvious?” For her to say this, it means 2 things: She’s comfortable enough with you to make such an ‘accusation’ and two, she views you as the kinda guy that talks to a LOT of women. Winning!

Ok, now we have established that she might like you, lets help get you out of that friend zone shall we? You people don’t know the massive favor i’m doing you with this post. Summer approaches and you don’t wanna dull like i did last summer. sigh..Let me graphically attempt to help you understand the height of your problem

Shey you see that it's not BEANS!

Now the GOLDEN RULE: NEVER EVER EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS DIRECTLY. Don’t tell her you see her as more than a friend, no no no…i know you’ve wallowed in the pits of the friend zone but this is a major bitch ass move to make, infact, it spoils everything. So here’s what you do;

1. You don’t need her: Shut up! i know you do but don’t make it so obvious. Don’t be there always, don’t pick her call before it rings, heck! don’t give her a special ringtone or save her name as ‘angel’ no no no! The trick is to focus on yourself, be engulfed in projects, hobbies etc. This gives you a legitimate excuse to blow her off sometimes and “make it up to her” later. In this make up time, give her the time of her life and then, disappear again. just ensure that you aren’t at her beck and call. I know she has you on BBM, when she sends you a message, dont read it, just END CHAT. it won’t show as ‘R’ but as ‘D’ You can then tell her later that you were busy or something like that.

encourage yourself o...continue...mtscheew

2. You find her attractive BUT she has competition: When you get to be with her randomly, make sure you notice other girls and comment on their beauty or if you can’t tell whether they just walked out of photoshop, comment on something like tiher legs “damn, baby got legs for daysss!” Anything to make her a bit jealous, please dont ga’an compliment someone who isn’t all that o! This should be done in moderation sha. when she says something like “na wa 4u, you’re just an ashawo” This is a good time to say “relax babe, they still ain’t got nothing on you” DO NOT STARE in her eyes after saying this, just move the fuck along. AS.a.Bawse.

3. You have high standards: Talk about the things you desire in a woman and use them to qualify her. Don’t wait for her to start telling you her preferences. put her on the back foot. Yes brag a bit. tell her you could hook up with any girl but you’re yet to find the one with *insert your preferences here* She will most likely tell you what she likes as well, this makes for good convo as you can pick up some points. PLEASE DO NOT SAY “like me shey?” This statement disgusts them more than the love letters they get in their facebook inbox

4.You are a sexual being: Yes. Talk about sex..here’s how. you can talk of the things you would love to experiment, the styles you like/know etc..while talking about this, watch her reaction carefully, if she seems uncomfortable, this is a major RED FLAG. you should stop. if she giggles shyly, BINGO! Go on for a bit and tell her “its not  fair, i’m giving you all my info and you ain’t saying anything. oya talk jor” Make the mood as light as possible. Warning: Don’t talk about sex too much before you look like a perv. Moderation is the key

5. Break the touch barrier: Now this is quite risky. it requires lots of tact. the problem is that most of us Nigerian guys dont pay attention. There are certain moods and scenarios that play out but because we are so myopic, we miss them. Touch is a very sensual thing and can change your status from Mr Friend zone to Mr Boyfriend if applied right. Some of you think that kissing is the next step when with a girl, nah you idiots. have you held her hand? I’m not talking of while you’re crossing Ikorodu road o. You’re sitting and having a convo, comment on her jewelry (maybe a bracelet), take her hand in yours and fondle a bit. PLEASE A BIT O! not for like 10 mins, what are you a palm reader? if she instinctively pulls her hand back, don’t grab it or hold tighter, just let it go, the mood isn’t right. Touching someone communicates you find them attractive and you are confident.

If your friend is however used to cuddling with you and shii and you have been scarce like i said earlier, the cuddles will become more special and less routine. The less she sees you, the more meaning it has. this is why you must make sure you dont show yourself as needy. sometimes. when the cuddle is getting cosy, just all of a sudden remember that you have some business to attend to and leave (Pls NEVER say you have to go see some people or other friends, Make it strictly business not pleasure)

See, this thing is getting longer than i planned o. Basically sha, STOP BEING NEEDY. you really just need to relax, i know you like the girl die but your being around all the time isn’t making it better for you. For those of you who go on twitter and stalk the girl, Retweet her every tweet, LOL even when she’s not cracking jokes and run to her defense when she’s been ‘attacked’ online, nigga you need a chill pill. that shit don’t get you promoted, matter of fact it takes away cool points if you ever had any. Anyway, You know what they say “when you think your situation is bad, there’s someone who has it worse” There are some in the “mugu zone” but that’s gist for another day. And for the ladies wondering why this is tailored to just guys, it’s simple: There is no “friend zone” for ladies. I’m serious, if you think i’m lying, offer that guy your you-know-what and see whether he will dull. If he does, well, to every rule there’s an exception, BUT on this rule, its clear, he’s not straight.

I’ve said a lot BUT if my pointers don’t help, there’s a major short cut that you can take to help you jump out of the friend zone. WARNING: This should only be used when all else has failed, this short cut may not land you in the “relationship zone” but might promote you to the “friends with benefit” zone. its better atink?

The shortcut? ALCOHOL! Just get her stone drunk and then do the do 😀 erm…see picture for explanation.

So yeah, i’m kinda done. i know you guys know more about these things than i do. I’m a bawse sha, i really don’t know much about being friend zone. i stay residing in the “alone zone” Note how i didn’t add ‘forever.’ i can’t be cursing myself. so yeah, you might have insight into a particular zone and/or a testimony on how you got out, use the comment box and/or you may have questions. our in-house experts who really don’t give a shit about your issues will pretend to care and reply.

Till i come your way again, erm…