Cupid/Stupid

*Walks into TSC office and slumps into chair* It’s only the second month of the year and it feels like we’ve been at this struggle all our lives. Well then again, we have. January was the height of financial drainage and just when we thought it was over and we could ease into some peace of mind and financial stability, BOOM!!! Another bomb! Relax, I’m not talking BH aka Boko Haram. By the way, if Benson & Hedges don’t do something fast, they’ll lose that acronym. Sigh…where was I? Oh yes.. BOOM!!! Another bomb, This time from…

*Phone beeps, reads message* SEE?!!!

Help me Lord...

I swear if I get one more broadcast telling me to order cakes and/or flowers, I’ll do so and send it to the broadcaster’s funeral. Nonsense and ingredients!

*@TheFakeEsse walks in to office, smiling like a doofus*

(Mind, the following is an actual conversation between Esse and me.)

Esse: “What’s biting you this beautiful February morning, why is your face all wrinkled up like Taye Taiwo taking a shit?”

Kelvin: “Mtscheew.., I just realised that it’s not yet Uhuru as there’s the Valentine hurdle ahead to cross. I think I’m going to getaway this vals. I can’t with all these Valentine demands. I can’t! Its killing me softly but surely…”

for real tho...

Kelvin: “Ok, Esse explain to me why Vals day exists. As in, what is it for?”

Esse: “Why vals day exists? For Valentine na! Abi what again?”

Kelvin: “Are you well? Who is Valentine? A prophet? And what sort of name is Valentine? Sounds like an Igbo door man.”

Esse: “Well don’t ask me, ask Bobby Valentino, I hear it’s his ancestors that even started it.”

Kelvin: “Sigh…you need help. Whatever, I don’t subscribe to the idea of Valentine. I think it’s a scam to get back at us that escaped buying gifts at Christmas.”

Esse: “Ok seriously, I agree Valentine is a sketchy holiday, but it’s here to stay so you might as well accept it.”

Kelvin: “Sketchy? Add colour jare…”

Esse: “I’m personally suspicious of a holiday that picks a specific day to show ‘love’, but if we are in a ‘working relationship’ and you remember I’m special (even when it’s not vals day) then please by all means! (Who no like better thing?)”

Kelvin: “Typical female behaviour…anyway, lets leave the definitions and all that gooey stuff to TNC and people like Chinelo. So sadly, vals day is here to stay, this depresses me on many levels.”

Esse: ‘Kelvin, your level of ‘aka gumness’ is staggering. How can you be depressed that Vals day is here to stay” 0_o

Kelvin: “You’re obviously high hence your staggering. Why should I be excited about an illegal day set aside for extortion? I’m waiting for the Save Nigeria Group to call for a mass protest and in the name of everything Nigerian, this should be ‘suspended’ too. This is bad. You’re not bothered cos it’s you ladies that benefit. YES I SAID IT!!” :p

Esse: “Well, i agree that a lot of times, ladies get the most out of vals day but what happened to wanting to spoil your woman a little? And don’t even tell me guys get absolutely nothing. I mean, I can sew boubou with all the hymens that are broken/torn every vals day.”

painful truth innit?

Kelvin: “LMAO!!! Spoil who? What is she now? 3 days old akamu? Spoil fire! All the spoiling I’ve been spoiling from January is not real enough?  And for the hymen, you can’t blame us if we meet low women, these things happen. Actually, breaking the hymen is a favour we do, another gift we give. Opening the doorway to a lifetime of pleasure. Bottom line, we get nothing.”

Esse: -_______-  “Looool! You’re looking at this the wrong way Kelvin. Vals day is very symbolic. It’s actually in the little things. A girl like me is fine if you only decide to come home from work early, we watch a movie, eat a really fancy dish that either of us might have made (see what she did here?), or cook it together sef. It’s really the thought that counts.”

Kelvin: Muhahaha…-____-  ” KNOCK KNOCK, WHO’S THERE? THOUGHT. THOUGHT WHO? THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS. MTSCHEEW…NOBODY’S AT HOME.” (Wow, Kelvin. Seriously?! Are you Ali Baba?) See?! Ladies don’t want thoughts, Y’all want Ronaldinho’s hair, Gucci’s bag, Louboutin’s shoes, even phones named after cars…But all we get is BYC vest and oversized boxers or pant sef.”

"Just give me his hair and I'm fine

Esse: “LMAOOOO!!! Any girl that gives you pata is not wishing you well. And seriously Kelv, if you know what you have is the real deal, you’re not going to be trying to impress with phones named after cars. Now i’m not saying be cheap, just be original. You dig?”

Kelvin: “I ain’t no ho.. ” -___-

Esse: “Of course not, you’re just santa’s fave three words. Look, any Alhaji Rafiki can buy me both the car and the phone named after the car. Heck, if I can do some things to Alhaji, and do them well, he will buy me my personal Brazilian that will live in my boys’ quarters and be growing hair that I’ll use.”

Kelvin: O_O “do somethings to Alhaji?” Esse, you’re just a slot…things will just be going inside you anyhow. I’m sorry for you.  Anyway, tell me dear, amuse me if you will with tales of what a lady can get her man for vals..”‘

Esse: “For vals day, in terms of gifts, i think the whole perfume, cufflinks, boxers gig is overplayed. Lol, boxers tho, if I was a guy and my girlfriend buys me boxers, I will give her my singlet (I’m not joking, how can you give someone boxers? Maybe not even better one sef).”

I cant even find my WILLIngness...

Esse: “I think it depends on the couple, do something for him that he enjoys but may not have time to do as he’d like..”

Kelvin: “Hmmm…like taking him out for a 50k dinner yeah?

Esse: “Emmm. Yup! I’ll book the table and he’ll pay for the food.”

Kelvin: -__-  “Typical *spits* whatever sha, I still don’t buy the Vals idea.”

so...this is what i offer. Wanna be my val?

Esse: “OK, I was joking. You can take him to a movie he’s always wanted to see and hasn’t had time. You can buy him a big device like a TV or a Playstation (Or whatever it is that guys want nowadays.) And that’s if you can afford it. Don’t go and do Valentine’s and then later, you cannot eat 3 square meals a day. This is for both the guys and girls. Just be original, that would be my advice to both the ladies and guys getting ready for Vals.”

Kelvin: “Aha! I like the sound of that, though I have a PS already. Anyway, What/who are you doing for the day tho?”

Esse: “I will be doing some hot dude form school. His name is Math.” 😥 #TeamForeverAlone

Esse, Proud Team member since 1973

Esse: *weeps*

Kelvin: “Muahahahaha… Math? To differentiate options and find a suitable one to be integrated with eh? I swear, I have gotten you.”

Esse: “You dey craze, you dey mad, u dey gbongbolo cigar. Dont laugh at me cuz. ”

Kelvin: “Who’s your cuz? U need to stop this madness…”

Esse: “OK sorry fam. Bro.” :p

Kelvin: “Wait! you know what? Don’t stop. I am your cuz.. well till the 15th.”

Esse: “Hahahahaha ode. Broke ass negroid -_- How about you? What/who are you doing? (I pity the person, I’m sure you will just give her that orange juice from TNC3 and ugwu salad.) Stingy pulzon.”

Kelvin: 😦 “FUCK you Esse! Yes, all the way from Lagos to Canada or wherever it is you illegally ran to. Mtscheeew…
Well, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ll most likely just lazy at home after work and see a movie (if I can find a clear one to buy in traffic.) (See, ladies? Cheap ass.) As for who I’m doing? I’m not sure as yet. I’m hoping I’ll have volunteers in the comment section. Yeah…
As for what I’ll get her, I’ll give her all the love she can handle in one night. A night of bliss..yes ke..infact, I’ll probably write about how it turned out. Erotica l’omo.”

Esse: Haha. Volunteers. Good luck with that. And about all that fictional pornography you’ve started writing, well, let me just say that liars can never rise up. #KPAKAM

Kelvin: “Oya Esse come and be going (see 9ja lingua at its best) I need to end this post.”

Esse: How rude. After all my help and advice. Mscheww. *Esse exits*
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So that’s it people. I really don’t know what the hell this post was about but if you got anything like a message out of it, to God be the glory.. Vals day is around the corner, You already know my take on it. Some are probably still in doubt as to what they should get and stuff, I handled a class on the matter in my former blog, guys can read that here and here’s one the ladies will like. Pls do read.

Ok I’ll probably see those of you that survived the day when the next post goes up. Till then, I still don’t give a hoot about Valentine. Yeah (o) su mi.

Did you get that? *sigh*™ I thought as much.