Cheating?

Mortals!

It’s been a goddamn busy week for me and it has been so fucking stressful, that I haven’t had time to write anything (for myself). Apparently, I’m too selfless (fuck you! I am!) for my own good, and I should put my fucking blog first.

Am I the only one who thinks there are too many expletives in that paragraph?

Let’s try something shall we? No curse words in this post, except for the ones that have already been dropped of course.

Good! Just sweet loving and pounded yam lingo.

Note: The words “Bitch” and “Nigga” are not curse words! I make the rules here. Check the Terms and Conditions page.

Note to self: Make a Terms and Conditions page.

Moving on…

As we enter the season of valentine and all that time-wasting gay stuff, I won’t begin to bore anyone with any of the tips on how to shenk your girlfriend. (Check our sisteh blog TSC for tips on those). Nah…none o’ dat. I read a post today by some Psycho chick that truly inspired me. The said post was teaching babes how to detect how your man is cheating by getting your Nancy-Drew meets Girl-Fawkes mode on, and going all retro-magnifier on his ass.

Girl, please! Real niggas are like a cross breed between Unicorns and Phoenixes. Ever caught one? No!

This is not to say you will begin to rest on your oars because you’re the Invisible Man when a search is being held, dear real nigga. Be careful! Female Dogs are air hostesses. Bitches be tripping. One slip-up, and you’re done. Women are a lot smarter than we think they are. If you ever woke up in the middle of the night to catch her staring at you, you better clear your browser history.

[“Bitches” there was not a curse word. It was a term to describe females. Cos I don’t know all your names. You know…as a collective noun]

Now this post isn’t for the real niggas. We got all that stuff covered. This here is for the bitch niggas that can’t seem to cover up their tracks like a wolf with no tail.

*sigh*™

Listen close bitch nigga. I won’t say this stuff twice.

Scenario 1:
When your girl comes into your crib to investigate, she is going to come unexpectedly. (What you think?). She’s going to walk straight to your bedroom.

Apparently, (according to the post), if your room is unnecessarily tidy, you, bitch nigga, have been cheating.

Now we know this is true. (._. )

Don’t worry, I’ve come up with a worthy excuse for this. When accosted, you sober the heck up, and say the following words; verbatim:

“Today is my grandmother’s death anniversary. She always made me tidy up my room whenever she was around and I did it to remember her”.

Get your act right, and you just might get laid.

You’re welcome.

Scenario 2
Now, she finds hair on your bed; Too long to be yours, and too red to be hers (nobody told you to bring home the 800 pound “Rihanna-look-alike” from the club that night. You brought this on yourself!), and she starts throwing a tantrum.

Response: I don’t even know what you talmbout. Tula be bringing these chicks up in the crib and what not…imagine, I slept in the toilet yesterday.

Her: Oh, you know Tula?

Response: Yeah. He hangs out here all the time.

Her: Will you get an autograph for me next time y’all meet?

Response: Yeah sure. Pshhh, girl you tripping. Now come gimme some sugar.

POW! Missionary!

Scenario 3

If she still doesn’t believe you cos your lying ass ain’t a convincing homo erectus, she will be heading to your bathroom for further Sherlock Holmes activity. The last girl left her lady shampoo and feminine body lotion in there, and she comes out holding them with a “What the heck is this?” look on her face.

Well, damn nigga, you done messed up.

Sorry bro, can’t help you. You ain’t even a bitch nigga, you just a faggot.

I get the lotion, but Side-chick-shampoo at yo place?

Can’t. Help. You.

Oh yeah, another fad I read on is the case of these insecure bitches waiting till you fall asleep, then taking out your memory card from your phone so they can go through your stuff.

At this point, it’s needless to say that app-lock will not save your ass.

But super glue will. (‾⌣‾)♉

You super glue that memory card to your phone, and never let it out of your sight. You hear me bitch nigga?

Again, you’re welcome.

I’m done saving your ass. I’ll be reporting again next week. Hopefully. I should have a pre-valentine post up. Maybe a gay story on the origin of valentine. Who knows?

See you next week, Mortals.

And Larry Sushey.

Moral Of The Story:
Terdoh cannot write a post without curse words.

Disclaimer:
Mscheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

Advertisements

About Terdoh

Gone insane...will not be home for dinner.

45 thoughts on “Cheating?

  1. Interesting post buh I won’t fall for that grandmother story tho! No straight guy shd be that dt sentimental, so itz either he’s cheating or he’s gay.

    Like

  2. Just wasted my time reading this. I’m never getting caught. Extra tips?

    First, keep that bitch nigga who rolls with you at arms length. You’re a ‘bitchier’ nigga if you don’t. Of course he’s been eyeing your chick, and who’s gonna be the snitch-in-the-ditch? *rings bell* That’s right.

    Second, never give her a chance to ask questions. I’m sorry, I can’t translate this to bitch-niggaese.

    Third, always have an alibi. Consult your wing(not-bitch-nigga)man for that.

    Like

  3. “You super glue that memory card to your phone, and never let it out of your sight. You hear me bitch nigga?” «– this had me rolling!
    LMAOOOOOOO! This is fucking hilarious. Terdoh u need help!
    A post won’t be fun without curse words anyway, so u’re good!
    Btw, none of these excuses gon work on me. I’m a lawyer. A good one.

    Like

  4. Darn! I still can’t relate with cheating. Never been in dt position either as a victim or d perpetrator. ¯..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

    Like

  5. Yo. First, I must say the Colonel be pretty mad at u for not telling a nigga u got a new post. I mean, u’re one of the few motherfauckers on twitter with a fucked up brain like me so sometimes,just sometimes, I like to glance through ur blog and see how fellow assholes like me be putting out shit for ’em humans. But I aint really mad tho. I just wanna say fuck u in a polite way. Ya dig?!

    Now to this issue, mehn, I respect the fuck outa this post. Telling bitch niggas how to act. I be seeing alota un-G shii errwhere. Niggas be going soft all around. Niggas be RTing @TheNoteBook quotes. Niggas be talmbout how touching a movie was. How u gon expect ur bitch to respect ur estrogen filled ass when u be acting like a bitch with a 5kg clitoris?! I mean, shii’s fucked yo. First of all niggas gotta eliminate softness from they character. THEN they can be able to boldly tell them bitches those lies (excuses) u mentioned. Good tips by the way ma nigga. I mean, u cant say shii like “Tula hangs out in ma crib” when u be wearing a yellow top, red jeans, purple shoes & bumping some Drake on the side. Fuck u is? A walking talking Rubik’s cube. Now I aint met the nigga Tula but I know he aint hang out with fruits. Feel me? So straight up, that bitch gon’ know ur pillow-soft self is bullshitting. Mehn, I feel like I be going off point but bitch niggas be causing that shii. All I’m saying is, ’em faggets need to work on their personalities. Gotta be tough. Then they can be smart enough to come up with smart cover-ups. Aii, peeeece ma nigga.

    Like

  6. Oh & Tori, don’t worry we always have our ways to deal with ladies like u. Not cause u’re a lawyer tho, but u’z a G-chic so urs might be a lil tricky. But real niggas gon’ crack that code. Yes sweetie, real niggas can & u know it.

    Like

  7. lol..God is good! i love…enjoyed the super glue part a lot..who knew!!!
    n RJ that note in a comment u wrote ehhh..im sure if u asked Terd he’d let u guest-blog..:P

    Like

  8. O_o hahahahahahaahahah!!!!! CAN’T. HELP. YOU. RodfL!!!! if u find feminine things in his house, he’s cheating. If he tries to explain, he’s lying. If u believe him, one chance. If u don’t believe him but stay n mix juices anyways… -_- STDs r real.

    Like

  9. hahaha… neva been caught, buh dis will work on only bimbos… glue ur memory card to ur fone, if e corrupt na 2 buy new fone be dat

    Like

  10. D grand ma Ish most definitely won’t work for me, just as his room being surprisingly neat won’t get me suspicious. Nigeria :where girls are too busy cheating on their bfs to notice such things. Smh.
    Btw this post is D shit. Good shit tho.

    Like

  11. this is some crazy shiii…LMAO @ the colonel…you know wasup!!…i had to pretend for a while to be a bitch nigga just to get a girl…shit!!dat rubbed on me lyk stupid…started gettin emotional…………………….#TRUESTORY
    but not to worry…..i destroyed that alter ego…..(this is not going to be a lady gaga story)….funny thing is…dat bitch stil pops out once in a while especially when a gossipgirl episode comes out!!……yh,life is full of mysteries….
    anyways,real niggas, one tip….NEVER OPEN UR TWITTER ACCOUNT ON UR FRIEND’s PHONE AND FORGET TO SIGN OUT or SEND “FUNKY” DMs TO A GIRL THAT IS UR BABE’S FRIEND…………
    girls are havin agreements wiv ur babe to trick u into CHEATING…………forget the wars and bad climate change..for girls to be this intelligent (the true descendants of Eve), the world is really comin to an end.

    Like

  12. @grantizzle, takes a real G to fess up to his snitching. shit lyk dat could get a niccur killed for real. dat said, d only way a real ass man can keep his butch *spell checker alert* at bay is to neva give her d room to ask unnecessary questions. trust me it works.

    Like

Do drop a bar...#NoSoap

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s