Dearly beloved, we are gathered here once again to waste time and talk about stuff that will not put money in your pocket or food on your table.
Today’s post will be…
Where are my manners? Accept my apologies.
Today’s post will be divided into two segments. One segment will be more interesting than the other. But you have to read through the first segment to get to the second. The first will be talking about the real origin of Valentine (as I promised last week), and in the second segment we will be revealing my top 3 sexual escapades.
Oh yeah, now the follow button is on a bar on the blog page. You have no excuse not to subscribe. (Na beg I dey beg, abeg subscribe)
Thanks! Now to the post!
*claps hands together in glee*
The 14th of February
Historical belief 1:
The early medieval acta of Saint Valentine were expounded briefly in LegendaAurea. According to that version, St. Valentine was persecuted by Roman Emperor Claudius II. Claudius was impressed by Valentine and had a discussion with him, attempting to convert him to Roman paganism to save his life. Valentine, being a sharp guy, tried to convert Baba Claudie to Christianity, and failed. He was executed, but before this, he reportedly healed the blind daughter of his jailer.
(He probably shagged her, and made her call out the names of various deities many times, and it was all very romantic, but that’s not why we are here)
Historical Belief 2:
Valentine was a priest who refused an unattested law attributed to Roman Emperor Claudius II allegedly ordering that young men remain single (Claudius’ rationale behind this decree was because Pagan festivals were usually gay, you couldn’t have married balls all up in your face. It was also, because he needed single men in war. So between battles, it would be fornication, not adultery). But Valentine secretly performed marriage ceremonies for young men. And when Baba Claudie found out, he threw Valentine in jail.
I call bullshit.
Where is Cupid in this story? You can’t have a valentine story without the winged, little, gay faggot who serves as Robin Hood’s competition. You can’t!!
Fret not, mortals. I have come to your rescue. 😀
Side Note: Cupid is the symbol of pedophile love. If you didn’t know, now you do. That’s why he’s still a baby.
Why We Are Here:
See, this Valentine dude was a fine young man. Not a priest, just a young man who worked in the stables of the Roman Emperor Claudius I. The Roman Emperor was an old man, stricken in years with many daughters, and one son who was just a little younger than Valentine. Okay, maybe the difference between Claudius II and Valentine was like 10 years, but you get the idea.
I could describe how Valentine fell in love with Claudius II while he was still 8 years old, but let me just cut the bull and get straight to the chase.
Valentine rapes little Claudius, Claudius becomes a damaged person, Claudius I dies, Claudius II becomes Emperor, jails Valentine when he comes into power, Valentine never stops loving Claudius, meets Jailer’s daughter who he opens up to about his love for Claudius. It’s all very romantic.
This is where Cupid comes in…
He came to visit Valentine one night when he was
jerking dancing to Claudius’ latest victory song. Cupid claimed to have been drawn to Valentine ever since he noticed the amount of love exuding from him. They sat down and discussed Cupid’s power and Valentine was awed by the potency of the arrows and thinking about Claudius, he decided “Fuck yeah. Imma get that ass tonight”. Cupid heard his thoughts and got up to leave, but Valentine was desperate. A tussle ensued.
All this while, the jailer’s daughter just happened to be taking a midnight stroll round the prison grounds, and on hearing noises coming from the struggle, decided to check it out. The moment she showed up, Valentine was distracted, and Cupid stabbed him with an arrow.
You can figure out what happened. He fell in love with the Jailer’s daughter.
When Valentine was destined to die, he wrote a love letter and yada yada yada…
-Valentine was a gay ass pedophile. Please remember this. It will be useful later in life.
-Cupid is (and will always be) a bitch nicca. Stabbing niggas while they’re down.
-This stuff is so preposterous, it’s most likely true.
Yeah, that’s that for that segment. This is the segment you’ve all been waiting for.
My Sexual Escapades
The following are true stories that you are all allowed to use against me in the future:
Yeah, this time I was…(._. )
Oh, and there was this chick who ( ._. )
And then that other time when….( ._.)
Yeah. I’m Gangsta.
See you guys next week.
Happy Valentine’s Day.