Not For Ladies!!!

Here’s the season to be jolly, la la la la la, lala, lala…
Ho Ho Ho (that’s you, you and you). Welcome to TSC. Today, we’ll be having a special feature. I did this post some weeks ago for Daily Times but I figured it should come up here, so I sent it to Olatoxic’s girlfriend Terdoh for some touch ups and craze injection…

There shall be a counter on this post tomorrow so err..you might wanna look out for that.

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Hey there mortals…

First of all, I don’t like the intro Saks gave me. Yeah, I call him Saks, he’s nuts. So lemme just set the record straight.

If I’m guest writing on your blog, and you’re male, you are to introduce me as;

The Awesome awesomer of Awesome awe. Awesomely awesoming in awesomeness. The Awesome Terdoh. After which I step out into the blog with stripper glitter falling on both sides.

And if you’re female, you’re to introduce me as:

His Royal Highness, dripping with charisma and swegg, sporting an extremely large penis, The Well Equipped Terdoh. After which I step into the blog with stripper glitter…

You get the picture.

I HEAR??? Good.

Let’s get this post started.

Its Christmas!!!! And the spirit of Christmas (no Dry Gin) is in the air, (in some parts of the world sha) and is going around possessing innocent people and making them happy and all that gay shit. Now, this post is not for the single or married. If you’re single, congratulations on your “Forever alone” badge. *high fives myself*, and If you’ve tied that knot, just carry your Okada Power bike and leave. Thanks.

As we at TSC are biased towards the males, this post is for men. Males come first (as usual), so the females can skip this shit and come back in 10 minutes. Go watch Ε! Or some tutorial on how not to cry when your toenail breaks. Give the dudes some alone time. No homo.

Now that the girls are gone, have you heard of the BUT?

No?

See why you need us?

The Break Up Terminal

It is written somewhere in the bro code that every year, a time slot is allotted to men in which they are expected to disengage from their girlfriends, babes, shawties, ho ho hos, etc, to enable themselves save up for expenses that would otherwise have been incurred if they were still with their respective partners.

This terminal is from the 15th of October to the 20th of December. Giving you enough time to plan the severing of ties without leaving any clues on the real reason behind the break up.

If all that gay stuff (like feelings) don’t get in the way, and you are successful, and you got your game on right, you are given an MUT (Make Up Time slot) by the Bro Code Association to make up with your girlfriend. Although, we don’t know why you would do that. So many chicks… Anyway, this slot begins on the 2nd of March and ends on the 31st of that month.

See? We saved you christmas, New Year, and gaddemn Valentine’s Day. Aren’t we considerate and shit?

If you’re lucky, her birthday falls in January.

Now, if you’re single, or you’re a bitch nigga that didn’t take advantage of the BUT, have faith ma nigga. We’ve got some tips for you to stay alive, dear Bitch Nigga.

Here are a few…

Rule Numero Uno

Thou shall keep thine playing ways, and thine game-plans to thyself.

If you’re thinking of getting a chick, or a side chick, yeah bro. Don’t. People are trying to get out and you want to get in? What do you think this is? Noah’s Ark? Do not, for any reason, get a girlfriend during this period. We are not liable for any mistakes made. We will tell you that we told you so…bitch nigga.

Rule Numero Deux

Thou shall not, for any reason start conversations with women (who are not your mothers). Even your blood sisters and Sisters-in-the-Lord should be tactfully avoided. Flee from all appearances of feminity. We don’t care if they are your friend’s-really-hot-sister-who-is-suddenly-crushing-on-you. Stay away. You were warned.

Broke chicks be suddenly picking interest in your previously uninteresting ass. It’s a Christmas trap. Flee niccuh. Flee.

Rule Numero Trois

Thou shall not make up with ex-girlfriends. Avoid their calls because its at this season that they stumble across your number “all of a sudden”. Ignore pleas from their best friends, Pastors, Imams; threats from brothers, cousins; appeals from parents, especially their mums. Mothers be gangsta during this period, aware of the indirect benefits they stand to gain from your unsuspecting Christmas ass. You better find a Christmas number and keep your wallet safe.

I hope you are writing, bitch niccuh

Rule Numero Quatro

Thou shall avoid public places of meeting. Listen close, we’re about to save your wallet and in essence, your life.

Squeeze that face when going to the following places: Cinemas, Shopping malls, Unilag, Banks and/or ATM spots, Redeemer’s University, Departmental Stores, Boutiques, Covenant University, Babcock University, Madonna University, LASU, Restaurants…

You get the point.

Avoid these places at this season. But if you must visit them, please LOCK UP! Keep that straight face.

Thou shall survive.

Oh. You have a girlfriend already? Ok lets see what can work for you…

Rule Number Five (We got tired of the ‘French’)

Thou shall complain about EVERYTHING. Some “you-fried-the-wrong-egg-and-boiled-the-wrong-egg” stuff. Thou shall ensure that your ‘other half’ understands the situation at hand. Complain about bad roads, price of movie tickets, recharge cards, Tonto Dikeh’s acting, the New Gala wrapper, Ice Prince, Lekki hold up (even if you live in Ikorodu), #TheBirdies, School fees, fuel subsidy (even if you’re a wheelbarrow pusher), mosquitoes, NEPA, Dame’s English, Agege bread… Everything. She must vex o.

Of course, this is not the time to take wifey to the cinema to watch a romantic movie. You know how people are always walking up to couples in the cinema, going “Excuse me, I want to draw you”, or “Olamide is doing his album launch”. Avoid that bullshit. This is also not the time for Rhythm Unplugged. Remember that the main priority is your wallet. Love doesn’t pay the January phone bill.

Make her vex.

If she doesn’t then, we have to bring out the big guns…we call it “The Gangsta straw”

Leave your phone lying around unlocked, with pictures of other girls… The cat in her will be killed by curiosity and she will fall for it. She will see it and voila! Quarrel starts!!! Or better still, get a friend of yours, a girl, who understands the situation, to just be conveniently ‘lying around’ in your bed when you know your girl is coming over. Of course, when she asks “Who is this” like all dumb chicks will, tell her she’s just a friend. (Which is true). She’ll storm out angry and the wallet has been salvaged.

We’re welcome.

Follow these tips, and you will find yourself with probably the best Christmas/New Year ever.

We would like to wish you “Happy Holidays” soul brothers. Here’s to hoping you spend the holiday guilt free, and whole-heartedly enjoying every bit of the money you worked for.

Your’s Faithfully.
Broke Fi Broke Dept.
Terdoh Inc

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Ladies, hold up! I love you. I swear. Trust me. Emmm…you’ll wanna drop by tomorrow. Give me this chance to prove it…
See ya!