*rushes into TSC* Dear readers and members of the TSC community, ‘Sup fam? We have to interrupt your regular programming or whatever/whoever it is you were doing to bring you this important media chat. Well, its not really a media chat ‘cos I was the only one present and…oh fuck it. You know the drill…

My fellow Nigerians.

I have received and read most of the letters you have sent or written in the national dailies. You people have time o! Do you know how many of such letters i receive daily? Don’t you guys have jobs or something like that to do? What? No jobs?  Abegabegabeg…is it not your mates that go for reality shows? There are many, go and join…Maybe if you stop writing letters, i would actually have time to do other important things like play squash as former presidents before me did.. What’s that you ask? Why I’m the one reading the letters? Who wants to read it, Patience? LMAO!!! Goodluck with that o.

Well, anyway as a result of the love i have for the citizenry of this our great nation, I have decided to reply some of the common issues raised in your letters. *wears glasses*

Before I proceed however, i bring greetings from my dear wife; the first lady of the Federal republic. She would have loved to be here but we sent her to ‘speak’ to some kids. *mutters* Father forgive us for we sin. *sigh*™ Those kids are gon’ be scarred for life. You people have to really be patient with her, we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect. Now to the issues…

A major content of all your letters is the issue of power. A lot of you keep asking for constant power supply. Raising important points like how this will drive the economy, improve the productivity of small and medium scale businesses and even reduce the risk of environmental pollution caused by smoking generators. I am well aware of all these. However i have one question for you.  Have you paid your bills? You’re here writing all this English yet the truth is that majority of you are owing PHCN bills. Some of you do not even have meters, another set successfully connect power lines to their homes illegally. Tell me my fellow Nigerians, if you cannot pay your monthly bills with the epileptic power supply we have now, how will you pay it when supply becomes constant?

Reports reaching me indicate that you have even brilliantly learnt how to bypass the prepaid meters that were introduced. Look, until you all pay your outstanding bills, let’s leave the issue of constant power. Be content with the one you have, if its not enough, buy a generator. I would see how i can negotiate with Mikano and Tiger to bring down the prices so that they are more affordable.

Job and wealth creation

This brings me to the next two issues: Minimum wage and Fuel Subsidy. I know a lot of you will say that if you were earning a good salary, you would have money to pay for things like your PHCN bills. Is it my fault that you’re not getting a good salary? Where were you when your mates were attending classes in the university? Oh, you were attending parties. Where were you when they were reading their books and making first class grades? You were watching premiership and drinking beer. Don’t blame me for your salary o! The country is hard. Its not my fault at all. I’m just trying not to make it worse. Look when i was in your shoes, sorry i had no shoes. In those days when i was in school, i came first always. That’s why i’m here. Do you think i got here by luck or chance? Mtscheeew.

On the issue of fuel subsidy, look i don’t really understand the matter yet, i’m still seeking expert advice on it. Dangote was here yesterday and we discussed it briefly over a plate of spaghetti. Have you tasted Dangote spaghetti?

That’s some really good stuff we should be proud of. Infact, after the lunch, i felt honoured to be a Nigerian. Dangy tells me he’s working on joining the telecoms business, I think its a welcome development. I mean we need someone to ‘cement’ our local hold on the industry and I think he’s the ‘sugar’ we need to sweeten the emmm…the…whatever.

Well sha, there’s no going back on the subsidy issue. What you don’t know is that I’m subtly helping to reduce the ‘oppression’ we face in this country. See, the man with 5 cars will be forced to sell 3 ‘cos it’ll be hard to cope. Like China, many will get bicycles (this will reduce traffic) My people, seeth not thou the benefits? You need to see the big picture o. It will be easy to toast as girls will no longer be tripped by the car you drive but by the colour of your bicycle. Anyway, you’ll appreciate all this soon.

I also see that a lot is being said about the recently passed bill on gay marriages.

No Homo son

This one is a long thing sha. I have also heard, seen and read the public opinion on the matter. I didn’t know we had so many coded gay people in this country, it makes me think that the award for “happiest people on earth” might actually be a synonym for ‘gay.’ But why is it paining you people? Me i thought we would welcome the bill with arms wide open. If it was charly boy and denrele complaining now, i would understand. (don’t quote me pls) Anyway, you can complain from now till kingdom come, it has been done; y’all need to sit all the way down and suck it up. NotSexual.

Of course, the threat of Boko Haram is a major talking point in your letters. My fellow Nigerians, isn’t it amazing that the majority of you mouthing up and down are in the south and east? You sit in the comfort of your homes and be shouting “what is he doing about Boko Haram?”

we are negotiating...

Shey it is because they are far from you abi? Come to Abuja and be talking so i’ll know its real. I think you guys must think i’m one gangster that can handle such drama, please i love my family and i love my life. Mii r’aye gbogbo nnkan Jack bauer nyen o! Let the boko people be where they are, let me be where i am. Why would i see fire and go and put my hand inside? See, “everyday for the thief. One day for the owner” see what happened to Osama..lets be patient, one day bush meat will catch the hunter. Wait o! Wrong quote. Warreva mehn.

There are other issues, we shall handle some other time. Let me be honest with you, you people were disturbing me too much, i needed to create a distraction. Give you something to talk about. So i came up with the National awards, the new license plates, the Wildlife bill. I know i’m smart like that. When the hype dies down, we can move on with important issues like whether i’m getting my 7 year tenure or not.

My fellow Nigerians, don’t worry about me, i am fine. You should also stop wondering whether i know what i’m doing. I do. As long as its not yet my 3rd year in office, there is still enough time to get things done. Please stop with the letters and focus on your job let me focus on mine. Thanks for your co-operation. Long live the Federal Republic of Nigeria and Goodluck to us all.

#Sidebar: That’s how Mr President did not talk about how to curb the menace of Vic O and Speed Darlington. This is how civil wars start o..

PS: there’s still $1000 to be won on TNC. Enter for “The Writer” competition to win. Visit for details…and oh! Hope you’ve RSVP’ed for TNC3 holding on the 27th of December. See you there…I think… #AsYouWere


55 thoughts on “PresSpeaks

  1. “Look when i
    was in your shoes, sorry i had no shoes.” lmao!!!!! Na dis niggar come worse pass him wife. Nice article….Jonathan is “a mistake” for a president


  2. “Who wants to read it, Patience? LMAO!!! Goodluck with that o”

    Haha! Good ass shit! No pun intended.

    Funny post Kel!
    *goes back to writing*


  3. its nice, the ‘dangy’ part was hilarious … This is a creative one, kudos… Abeg leave those miscreants vicO and speed darlingshit


  4. Kelvin! You keep winning my heart *scatters ugwu leaves about for you to walk on*

    Beautiful post! Almost a satire, I laughed my heart out,


  5. LMAO! *sigh* I shouldn’t have read this before eating 😥
    Bia, they really have found a way to bye pass the prepaid meter 😮 OVOKO!
    Pls can u DM d details of how they do it? I’m asking for a distant cousin ^ _ ^


    1. See shade wants to implicate me..
      Did I say I know how to bypass the meter?
      Its an ancient Benin tradition…you’ll have to send like 6k credit so I can ask a friend who knows a friend to send the manual.



  6. Yep i loved this. Tres lovely. Maybe cos i’ve always loved writers, being one myself. Thumbs up, never knw sarcasm cud be dis interesting till i started following you. Lwkmd


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