*Runs into TSC. Shit! Shit! Shit! All these enemies that don’t want me to post today, FIRE!!!!* Sorry o people, I had a mad day and night yesterday (what kinda grammar is that?), I’d almost forgotten to post this.. Ah well, ladies you know I told you I love you? Yes? Let me prove it..
Here are some tips from my favorite,funny in a dry kinda way, big nosed…
@TheFakeEsse grabs mic…
No need for fancy salutations and all. Let’s cut to the chase. I’m not
going to speak big words, and lacquer my post over with so much puns
that you actually forget I’m supposed to be passing across a message.
(Side eye at a person whose name I will not mention, but whose name is
Terdoh.) I’m here to impart wisdom that has been collated across many
years of research. Hopefully, there is a lesson here for every woman,
that will ensure that you get the kind of Christmas/New Year’s/
Valentine’s that you deserve.
It’s the holidays! And suddenly, your man is suddenly finding reasons to not call or show up for dates. In fact, you’ve been seeing the signs since mid-October. I’ll tell you what’s happening. He’s doing the Holiday Hightail: he’s running away cos his bitch ass is too stingy to be excited about spending money on you for the holidays. Don’t worry. We know him. He’s the perfect btyfriend till October 15th, then suddenly, his phone doesn’t work, he’s falling sick, his cat ate his parrot, he doesn’t like your ofe egusi anymore, yada yada
fucking yada. Well, be calm. After extensive research, I have come up with a few methods that will help in making the season a little brighter.
Now these methods are not fail safe. Some will fail on certain men. Some will not work for certain women. But at the end, I
will give you a tip that cuts across all men and women.
Now, first of all, if you don’t have a man, well, your chances of getting one are considerably slimmer during the festive season. So, my advice would be to start laying the groundwork early. Not too early,
like in February or March, (it might be over before Christmas) and not too late like in November or December (I don’t need to tell you what would happen.) Now, a good time to begin your… groundwork would be
between April – June. It’s the summer, everyone is happy and gay (the
kind of gay we knew in 1999, not gay, as we know it today.)
It’s a good time to meet someone. I don’t need to tell you how to go about catching your fish. You know what to do. Just make sure you’ve hit 4th or 3rd base by September.
Now, to those of you that do have men, first of all you must realize that if you are not proactive, Christmas will come and go, and the best you and your man will end up doing is kpoxing like rabbits. So, that’s tip number 1: Be proactive. Forget all that, “Honey, look
Rhythm Unplugged on TV bla bla.” Take matters into your hands! Don’t
be waiting to be surprised. Nne, the only way that will happen is if your man is one of those rare types that actually enjoy spoiling theirwomen. Or if you have a good baba. Or he’s just a natural dosgbe. Either way, don’t be sleeping o! Make the Christmas plans BY YOURSELF.
If you are living in a country that operates on credit, even better for you. Make all the plans, buy the gifts (including his own gifts)
and pay for everything with his credit card. However you do it, don’t wait for that mountain to come to Mohammed o! Because that mountain IS content with just playing FIFA 12 for Christmas.
Do not let him out of your sight. That’s number 2. Now, I don’t mean
you should be tailing him like fly on shit. But this is the cyber age. I’m sure you have more than your man’s cell phone number or BBM pin. Do not lose contact with your man. Know his plans. Because if you
don’t, the next thing, oga will tell you he is in the village for burial of their Christmas chicken (or whatever.) And then the only
gift you will get for Christmas is… well, I got nothing. You will get NOTHING. Know what that dude is doing. Skype his ass every afternoon. Send him kisses in the night and make sure he returns them.
Tail his ass!
That will be all.
Now, not all guys are not dumb (contrary to popular opinion.) Even the dumbest ones, will most likely know a few Holiday Hightail tricks. And most of these tricks (check yesterday’s post here) are just an attempt at playing on your intelligence. They’re not always effective. For example, do not be swayed by pictures of other chicks on his phone. This is where number 3 comes in. Endure. Your average man is going to try at least 3 Holiday Hightail tricks before giving in (or if he’s a coward, running away.) If you see a hot girl’s picture on his phone, compliment the picture. Act a bit jealous at first, but then ogle the babe’s boobs with him. Don’t be vexing because you saw another chick’s
picture. You sef, put a fine boy’s picture on your phone and show him. Two can definitely play that game. Besides, guys like it when they can check out other babes with their main babes. So, manage, ehn? He will give up soon.
Do not pick a fight. Be on your best behaviour. Love him very well. Give him reasons to think about taking you to his parents (not that you want that. Or do you?) Cook, clean, let him play PS *whatever number is out now* with his friends. Serve them snacks sef. BE VERY
NICE. OK? Remember how Jesus had to endure hardship so that we could
be saved? Any time you want to give up and slap him into next week,
remember Jesus. Your man will probably try to pick a fight if he read
Terdoh’s post. Do. Not. Go. There.
Now, this is tricky ground. You
don’t want to have a full blown argument where someone walks out. And you don’t want to be begging until he says, “You know what? It’s over.” You must be very tactful, dear friend. Subtly feed his ego,
ensure he wins all arguments, or at least ensure he thinks he’s won the argument.
Now, if you still have hopes of getting a man for Christmas/ New year’s, far be it from me to dash your dreams. But there is no guarantee. There are no hard and fast rules for this one. Time is short. It’s a dog eat dog world and the men are dinner. Be very bold. Come on! Subtlety won’t work, you have just a few hours. Smile very
brightly. Make yourself difficult to resist. Rub up against him sef. There is no time for coy virgin bride. Take him to a nice bar, then tell him about the nice restaurant/ mall across the street. Of course,
at the end of the night, you will pay. In Vagina currency. But at least, he’ll have bought you your Christmas gift. And who knows, you might end up in front of an altar (doing what exactly, I do not know.)
Now, for side chicks… I love side chicks. They’re free and available and still have a steady kpanshing partner. Your own is very simple. If he does not want to buy you a gift, pay his main chick a visit. At
least, threaten to. Your Christmas na im sure pass for where all of us dey sef.
Now, these tips will not always work. There will be a few exceptions. But you have to stay strong, sister!!! Do not back down. Be a step ahead of him. Anticipate his next move and make sure you do not allow
any thing (or person) come between you and your Christmas jollification! And if all these tips fail, I have one that works for
Steal his wallet, expensive phone, etc sell it and give yourself theholidays you deserve.
Have a wonderful Christmas with plenty gifts, ladies!!!
From ALL of us at TSC. 😀
Coming soon: My end of year post…for the inside scoops and all you’ve desired to know.. Tell somebody 😀