I’m here to tell a story, so can y’all please sit yo’ asses down? Okay? Better.
*sips engine oil*
I’m here to tell you the story of a legend. The person who makes Voldemort cringe in fear… The person who makes Adolf Hitler run for cover… The person who sends Didier Drogba’s babalawo to his knees.
*crowd murmurs… “A woman?”*
Yes, a woman, you chauvinistic egotistical male pigs.
Her name… Paddy Trumbull.
Let me give you the official gist first… What we told the public… Paddy is a 62-year old grandmother who fought off an attack from a shark just two years ago, suffering several lacerations to her buttocks and losing a lot of blood.
*ooohs and aahs rise from the crowd*
That is just a tiny proportion of the story. But during my tour of Australia last month, I met Paddy in person. And the story was so awesome I had to bring her in to come and tell us the story herself… People, welcome Paddy Trumbull.
Paddy: Hello y’all. Wana told me he would like me to share my story with you all, so I decided I would, because I admire his awesomeness and I want to be awesome like him one day.
This all happened because I had a big ass. My big ass has always been a major factor in my life. My best subject in school was Astrology. My best racing game was Asphalt. My parents were killed by assassins. I’m asthmatic. I could go on and on about the things in my life that my ass has decided…
Don’t get me wrong though… I love my ass… I’m very proud of it, or at least, what’s left of it
*Paddy stands up and taps her ass, Kelvin straightens his tie*
Ice Prince: Her ass makes me throw groundnuts in the air. Astronaut.
Paddy: *smiles* Back to what truly happened. My husband and I were out snorkeling when –
Terdoh: Snorke-what? TF is that?
Paddy: Snorkeling, you Benue-ass nigga. It means swimming in water… Or something like that… Shii confuses me at times too… That’s not the point… Don’t interrupt me again, okay?
Terdoh: Okay *hides face*
Paddy: So my husband and I were off snorkeling *sneers at Terdoh* off Dent Island in Queensland, when the unthinkable happened.
@HomeSchooldNerd: Why’s it called Dent Island though?
Paddy: Because a lot of dentists live there.
Wana and Terdoh, can you please tell your friends to stop interfering? They’re cramping my style.
@weird_oo: Your style is on her period?
Wana: Please y’all…
Paddy: So… *eyes crowd tentatively* I’m just chillin’ in the water, when this black guy with huge tribal marks, comes out from nowhere, and tells me he wants to tap my feel my ass.
I’m flattered; of course, that this black man swam all the way from wherever he swam from. I’m a modest person though, and do not just allow anybody to touch the 10th wonder of the world: my sweet bum.
@NickFish3r: Padi mi Paddy, you no go vex abeg, but I gats interrupt now. There are only 7 wonders of the world. How come your ibadii is the 10th wonder?
Paddy: *sigh* You don’t know the list has been reviewed? Wana’s blog is the 8th wonder of the world, Moin-Moin is the 9th, and my ass is the 10th.
So while I was thinking of a polite way to turn the black, scar-faced gentleman down, I offered him some Moin-Moin and a can of beer and we got talking. I found out that he was from Ibadan and his name was Emmanuel, though he kept on pronouncing it as Hemmanuel. He said he dreamt of my yansh (That’s the word he used for my ass… Such a vulgar word) and swam all the way through the Atlantic and Indian oceans just to feel it.
It was becoming late, and I knew I had to dispose of the nigga straightaway. I looked him in the eye, and tried to mimic him. “Hemma, you have to go”. Then he took a sip of the beer, and his eyes turned blood-shot red.
I think Wana should take over from here. *wipes tear*
Wana: Sorry Paddy.
So, as the story dey go. As the guy shark the paraga, na im the paraga shark am sef. As the paraga shark am, na im the guy turn to Shark. As the guy turn to shark, e come look Paddy for eye tell am say, “Aunty Oyinbo, mi o kin se Anakin Skywalker, but mo ma jedi e.”
Paddy was frightened and before she could react, the ibadan man-cum-shark lept on her left gluteal cheek and ripped half of it out, lacerating her legs, making her bleed profusely.
She had lost a lot of blood, and was about losing consciousness. She was about to give up when she heard a voice from the heavens telling her to “reach for the Moin-Moin floating beside her and eat it”. And as she stuffed it in her mouth, she felt new life in her.
She suddenly had the belief she could do anything thanks to the Moin-Moin in her, and she put it to good use. She first transformed herself into Shang-Tsung, and sucked her blood back from the shark. Then she turned into Ice Prince and dropped 16 bars on the shark’s head.
While the shark was dazed, she ripped its jaws apart. And in one swift move, she changed into Sergio Ramos and kicked the shark into orbit.
By the time her husband got back to her, she had changed back to herself. He was horrified by her wounds, and took her to a hospital.
And the rest, as they say, is a subject for Arts students in Senior Secondary School.
And that is the awesome story of Paddy Trumbull.