Simo Häyhä

The year is 1939, the Russian Premier is headed by Joseph Stalin, and this guy had just taken some high quality mushrooms, and he’s in the middle of some good blowout probably with Snoop Dogg’s granddaddy, when he thought “Hey, why don’t we go harass the natives and loot their shit”. Of course every idea sounds like a good idea when you’re puffing that good ish. You could be on premium weed and go “I want a new tattoo. In Microsoft Sans Serif” and slip your hand in the tray of a printer. So with his head in purple haze, Stalin sends like 2 million of his hungry Russians to go raid Finland.

The Finnish were a little upset about this. Just a little… They didn’t want to unleash terror on the Russians, but they weren’t about to lose their shit to some stoned Russians stupid enough to attack them. So the good, unperturbed people of Finland sent out one of their fishermen to go look into the disturbance.

Now I want you to take a look at the subject of discussion here, Simo Häyhä. Don’t be deceived by the mini skirt. He’s more of a badass than Jason and Freddy could ever be combined. He was probably doing some whale fishing or creating canoes from the skin of crocodiles he killed in his sleep when he was called upon to handle the Russians.

I didn’t have time to make pants! This is war!

When Baba Simo was summoned, he put aside his croc-skin canoe and picked up his old-school Russian-made Mosin-Nagant M28/30 rifle and got ready to whoop some Russian-born donkey. Now Simo had unmatched knowledge of the forest. I mean, the chicken does not put two legs down in the magic forest of the turkey during the winter (or something like that…sha you don’t fuck around in someone else’s territory). Simo’s territory was the forest, he was also extremely patient (his doctors would have been proud) and he had an excellent skill in busting caps off in enemy troops heads.

Simo was a sniper. Probably the best that ever lived since Captain Price of Call of Duty 4- Modern Warfare. This crazy dude would sneak through the forest with a day’s supply of food and exactly the number of bullets he needed for capping heads off of the enemy. Not even joking here. The first standoff came during the Kollaa campaign and boy was he badass. The temperature ranged between -20 and -40 degrees, and the entire fucking crew of stoned Russian dudes wasn’t expecting this, cos it was FREAKING COLD! During this period, Simo just ran around, with his best friend, Luck, giving free head shots like a happy bartender, capping a personal best of 25 kills in a day, which is like two football teams and 3 subs. (This statistic represents those that were counted. Excluding the dudes he probably killed with his bare hands from 40 miles away).


Because of this, the Russians called him The White Death. I mean, how cool a name is that? Someone calls himself “the Daywalker”, “Sirkastiq”…Or “Cumical”. Bleh! All the mutants in the entire universe would fight to the death for such a cool name. But Simo Häyhä got this, bitches. He was so called cos he was camouflaged in all white, in a snow-white forest. How the fuck do you expect to catch him? At a point, they began randomly launching artillery strikes on various locations with the hope of catching him. But Simo is immortal, much like many of the other heroes in this series. Their desperation (which can only be compared to that of a hungry mosquito in a room-full of mannequins) was futile.

Bitch niccuhs…

After hearing about how good Häyhä was with his piece-of-shit, belongs-in-a-museum rifle, the Finnish thought “what if this dude had an actual badass rifle to match the owner”, so they got him an asswhooping piece of awesomeness; a custom-built Sako M2/28-30 Sniper Rifle of Headshots +3. I mean, the name has “Headshots +3”. The Russians stood no chance.

The most awesome totally kickass-shit thing Simo was known for was the fact that he did all the decapitation without the aid of telescopic sight. Now that’s Vision 20/20. He preferred iron targets simply because he’s a hardcore badass and preferred it the old fashion way.

“Where the heads at?”

One fateful day, Simo was having lunch with Luck when Luck ran out to get some water for his cold coffee and some dude in the Russian camp shot a lucky bullet and took out Häyhä’s jaw with an explosive bullet. He fell into a coma, and was pulled off the battlefield by his comrades. He woke up 11 days later and that same day, the war was over.

What you expect? I’m sure once word reached the Russian camp that White Death cheated death, they would have waved white flags and done like the opposite of right; left.

Simo Häyhä received five medals for valour, including the prestigious Kollaa Cross, and was express-promoted from corporal to second lieutenant.  Throughout the war, Häyhä raked in a total of 505 confirmed sniper kills (in some sources he is credited with 542).  On top of this, he also mowed down two hundred men with a Suomi 9mm submachine gun, bringing his total kill count to over 700 men in under 100 days.

Your move Terminator…

No one in History has ever recorded more confirmed kills, except of course Chuck Norris, and the Passover angel. Simo was a mere fisherman who used patience, skill, and an entire (jerry) can of whoop ass to defend his home.

Recognize the unsung hero.

20 thoughts on “Simo Häyhä

  1. WHITE DEATH SAMA!!! My new hero! I want to train as a sniper. I’ll be the Black Widow. A better version of Scarlett Johansson’s pistol holding, leather wearing nonsense. ^_^


  2. “Simo was having lunch with Luck when Luck ran out to get some water for his cold coffee…” <— Niiice!
    *runs to gun store*


  3. . . . and the Passover angel. #winning

    Simo sha has nothing on Solid Snake in Sniping O! Ask The Fury, Vulcan Raven & Co.
    It’s just since he’s a common fisherman he gets some Uber cool points for even trying. Well done Sirs.


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