Alvin York

Alvin C. York: Male, Friend, Brother, Son, Father, Soldier, Total Badass, Immortal.

One evening, a fairly young man and his comrade walk into a pub to have a few drinks and generally whoop some ass which is a daily routine. Unfortunately for you both, you meet your match, and you generally decide “Fuck this shit, this can of whoop ass will expire tomorrow, we had better open it up today”, so you open up that can of whoop ass anyway and while you’re busy spreading some of the love, your comrade dies.

You’d be in a total dipshit mood from that day on, wouldn’t you?

Well, Alvin York was no different. When his mate died in the bar fight, he swore off alcohol, became a hardcore Christian and vowed never to fight again.

Then the war came. And basically, the military is stingy with the fucks when it comes to your vows against violence. As long as you have functioning limbs and can shoot straight, you could be an Asian, Muslim monk, when it’s time for war; you drop your pashmina, and pick up the damn rifle. This is World War I goddammit!


York was drafted into the 82nd Infantry (which is the stage just before the balls-out elite 82nd Airborne) He was then taken to the sunny French countryside – only in the Fall of 1918 the rolling hills of Northern Frannice weren’t blossoming with fragrant crops of Vitis Viniferae, chirping turtledoves and busty mademoiselles in see-through white sundresses, they were littered with dead bodies, mustard gas and fucking giant smoking craters filled with the dismembered appendages of millions of unlucky bastards.

Even though York was ideologically opposed to the idea of fighting, once he got out in the Sheiße and one of the German shots barely missed his earlobe, he was more than happy to return the favor.  It was on the afternoon of 8 October 1918 that York would forge a legend that would make him the most famous American war hero of the First World War.

York’s 328th Infantry Regiment was steadily moving through the countryside when all of a sudden a nearby ridgeline erupted with the sound of machine gun fire.  Over thirty gun nests had been skillfully concealed on the ridges, and when the Americans got too close the Germans just opened up on them.  The initial barrage of molten lead nearly wiped out the entire detachment before the US troops managed to get withdraw to safety.  When it became apparent that there was no way for the Americans to take these guns head-on, and with the rest of the Americans pinned down by constant machinegun and mortar fire, York’s platoon was ordered to quietly move into a flanking position and attack the German guns from the rear.  York and the rest of his men quietly maneuvered around the enemy guns, and before long they came upon a small German trench located just behind the ridgeline.  The Americans quickly overran the enemy’s position, killing two of the enemy and capturing several more.  It looked as though things were going smoothly when all of a sudden; above the din of battle they heard a shrill German scream.

The gunfire suddenly stopped.  The 17 Americans in York’s detachment looked up and saw fucking thirty-two German machine guns swinging around to face them.  They pretty much had only started peeing in their pants, before gunfire ripped through the US ranks.  Within seconds, 9 GI’s were cut down like a rainforest on an episode of Captain Planet.  York’s squad-mates ducked into the German bunker and took cover, but he quickly found himself standing alone, with little cover, staring down an entire regimental German machine gun company.

Listen close bitch niggas, I will only be saying this once…

You know how you type ‘Tuck Tuck Tuck’ in Age of Empires III and unlock a fucking bulldozer, that’s how the Germans fired at York till they unlocked a fucking badass…He unbuckled his rifle, and really started capping people off. Do not anger a man sworn to peace. Initially he was standing and shooting. Look, listen, I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. York stood and shot at several Germans who were behind machine gun nests. And he did this from a volatile position. As long as their heads showed up, he popped them off.

Stallone is reading this right now going “The fuck?”


And those machine guns were spitting fire and cutting down the undergrowth all around me something awful.  The Germans were yelling orders.   You never heard such a ‘racket in all of your life.  I didn’t have time to dodge behind a tree or dive into the brush, I didn’t even have time to kneel or lie down.  I had no time nohow to do nothing but watch them-there German machine gunners and give them the best I had.  Every time I seed a German I jes teched him off.  At first I was shooting from a prone position; that is lying down; jes like we often shoot at the targets in the shooting matches in the mountains of Tennessee; and it was jes about the same distance.  But the targets here were bigger.  I jes couldn’t miss a German’s head or body at that distance.  And I didn’t.  Besides, it weren’t no time to miss nohow.

 -Alvin C. York, Immortal.

Even Bow just said Wow.

York was giving more headshots than a high school party, and at the same time having to dodge bullets like he was in the Matrix. This dude just dropped an entire army, got to his last set of ammunition and at that fateful moment was when a set of Germans decided to charge York with bayonets. Dude didn’t have time to reload, so out came the fucking pistol.


I teched off the sixth man first; then the fifth; then the fourth; then the third; and so on.  That’s the way we shoot wild turkeys at home.   You see we don’t want the front ones to know that we’re getting the back ones, and then they keep on coming until we get them all.  I knowed, too, that if the front ones wavered, or if I stopped them the rear ones would drop down and pump a volley into me and get me.

 -Alvin C. York, Immortal.

“Genius huh? Thought so…”

Total fucking badass… Really, would you have thought of that? Please…

After ‘teching’ off these many Germans single-handedly, one of the wise, albeit bitch-nigga survivors, a German Major, rose up from the trenches with both hands in the air and slowly approached the blood-lusted York.  The major pleaded (in perfect English), “If you don’t shoot anymore, I will make them give up”.

Ever notice how the leaders always seem to survive in the war? Poor blankets..

When all was said and done, Alvin York had single-handedly killed 28 enemy soldiers and captured 128 enlisted men, 4 officers and 32 machine guns armed with a rifle, a pistol, and balls of concrete steel,  without suffering so much as a scratch on his body.  With this regimental-sized enemy machine gun Company out of the way, the American 77th Division was able to capture the railroad that evening.  For his 1337 asskicking skills, York was lauded as a hero by the Allied forces – he received the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Croix de Guerre, the Legion of Honor, and the Croce di Guerra.  As all of the POWs were being marched back to the American HQ, Brigadier General Lindsay walked up and said something to the effect of, “Jesus Christ York, I hear that you captured the whole fucking German Army!”  York responded, “No sir, just 132 of them.”

Modest York…

He has a city named after him by the way. You should have heard of it.

16 thoughts on “Alvin York

  1. Badass!!!! Now Chuck Norris doesn’t seem so awesome anymore 😥

    You sha couldn’t just say herbal tea? Mtcheeeew Be confusing someborry ( ˘˘̯)


      1. Haha!

        I never actually said New York was named after him. I just put that there as one of the many jokes in the post with full knowledge of the fact that people will misinterprete it to have meant New York.

        I don’t think he has any city named after him. At least not to the best of my knowledge.




      2. LOL.

        Well, some people will take it as fact. Hyperbole works but one must be wary of outright misinformation.

        I’ve done my good deed for the day.


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