Leroy Petry

Every now and then, when you go through the course of history, you meet different levels of immortal beings disguised as humans, and dedicated to performing amazing feats and saving the lives of their supposed ‘brethren’.

Now there are the Jet Lis, the Jackie Chans and the IP Men

Then there are the Stallones, the Jean Claude Van Dammes, and the Arnold Schwar(etc)s.

Then there’s Chuck Norris.

Then there’s Leroy Petry.

Before we begin, can we all just give him a round of applause? Yeah, you too Obama.


Settle down little nigglings. This will only take a while, then you can take short break and go play ojoro in the school backyard.

A time comes in the life of every man when he has to make…really? Really guys? You’re sleeping already? C’moooooon! I haven’t even gotten to the boring part yet and you guys are dozing off.

Screw y’all. *turns to screen*

A time comes in the life of every man when he has to make a decision, a life changing one that will determine whether he stays a boy, or becomes a man. And there comes a time when the immortals have to undergo tests to determine whether they stay immortal, or they stay immortal.

Sergeant First Class Leroy Petry (the name get “First Class” inside sef) was a hardcore high school drop-out, ninja-assassin-watching, kung-fu-wolf nigga at some military base in Washington during the Vietnam War. Disguised as a soldier, he probably used to run around inhaling oxygen, cracking jokes, imitating his commanding officer, and radiating awesomeness from his stubble of a beard until one day when he was assigned to a special ops mission in the daytime.

Everybody knows special ops missions are usually carried out at night right? Yeah, just checking.

Okay, his mission was to capture a high value target (of course the military will never tell us what it is he was trying to get), locate himself at the platoon headquarters in the target building, and just generally tell people what to do until the Rangers had accomplished their mission.

Now, almost immediately after they got down from their helicopters, they came…

No you perverted bastards. They came…under some heavy fire.

*sigh* You people are so sick.

So they came under fire, *sniggers* and the enemy wasn’t joking. They really fired at these poor defenseless men. Petry was wounded by one round which went through both his legs, and his comrade Lucas Robinson was injured by a hit to his side plate. At this point, people like me would bring out white handkerchief and use our gun as flagpole. But Petry threw a thermobaric grenade (which is a little more destructive than the Bruno Mars song, and about 40 times more awesome cos Petry used it), and led Robinson to a chicken coop.

This is where the gods decided to test one of their own.

An enemy threw a grenade 10 meters from their position. There must have been a loop in Petry’s invisibility shield, or the ‘thrower’ was simply a good guesser. The grenade detonated, knocked them down and wounded Higgins (another comrade who had come to help them out with their wounds). Two other soldiers (as if they did not see that an explosion just went down in that vicinity) joined them, to celebrate maybe. Another grenade was thrown by the Really-Good-Guesser-Dude, and it landed a few feet from Higgins and Robinson.

Petry thought: What’s the worst that would happen? My body would be blown to bits and splinters of my brain splatter on the other guys here and…wait! The other guys! Golden Balls of Dracula! There are other people here!

And with that thought, without once thinking that he would probably never again get some pussy, without thinking he’d ever get to bite some calabar goat meat, without thinking that maybe, just maybe he’d never again get to soak cold Ijebu Garri with steaming hot suya, he dove for the grenade and tried to throw it as far away from their current position.

The grenade exploded…

…In his hand…

But Petry didn’t even notice that shit! I’m guessing he remembered Yogender Yadav and thought, I haven’t gotten shot in the balls yet, so fuck it.

The severed hand served well in flaming Leroy’s anger. He closed his eyes and focused his inner chi, and with the wind rustling his hair, bullets whizzing past him, and background music by Tyler Perry, he charged the enemy in slow motion, with a tourniquet in his good arm, and blood lust in his eyes. When the enemy saw the anger, they just did themselves a favour and shot each other.

But some knuckle-heads were die-hards, So Petry shot hot larva from his eyeballs, did a triple front flip (of course in slow motion, we don’t rush these things) and landed square on the shoulders of one of the enemy, and from this vantage position, used mind control to exterminate the others simply by radiating about one-sixth of his awesomeness, and then killed the one he was standing on with his butt cheeks.

Of course, after being so awesome, anyone would be exhausted, but not Petry. He helped evacuate every soldier in the vicinity (I don’t know how, but I’m guessing he lifted them all on one shoulder), before allowing himself to be taken away for treatment. No really, this dude was legendary. Just look at him.

Fuck you lookin’ at?

On second thought, don’t.

We would love to say all the medals he received, but why take our word for it? See for yourselves:

Tired yet?

He now uses a state-of-the-art prosthetic called an iLimb Pulse in place of his discombobulated right hand. On the prosthetic is a small plaque listing the names of all the soldiers who died on that assignment. Of course he stayed in the army. You really think they’d let someone this amazing go?

I solemnly swear… to bitch slap bitch niggas…for fun.

10 thoughts on “Leroy Petry

  1. *Sigh* I knew I should have drooped out in high school…
    So, my question is, did Leroy Petry watch 24 too many times or did Joel Surnow read too much on Petry?


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